Are you changing your name?

[esperanza]

I am planning on taking my fiances name when we get married. To tell you the truth I am kind of excited about the idea, even though I too would count myself as a feminist.
Though I do have a question for everyone. Can I change my last name to his before we are married? The reason I ask this is because I am trying to have a career in the arts, and name recognition is EVERYTHING! We are not getting married for a while and I may have to start my career moves before then. And it means alot to me to take his name, and I think he likes the idea as well. Thanks so much. Esperanza

 

[Munchkin]

To answer the original question, I plan to take his name. My reasons are mainly that I simply always figured I would (I am both old fashioned and a staunch feminist!), and I watched my friends deal with confusion when their mom had retained her maiden name. (Plus I always felt like a moron calling them by the wrong name!)

However, in more recent years I have wavered/debated a bit. First, I LOVE my name. Second my mother gave me her maiden name as my middle and I''m not sure I want to drop that tangible family tie when I marry. So, one solution would be First, Current Middle, New Last. But (always a but!) I am the absolute LAST of my family. Seriously, this entire generation of MyLastName is female, and I am the youngest. No one has or is planning to keep MyLastName. I am proud of MyLastName and appreciate its history. Also, I will have already established a professional career with MyLastName long before marriage.

So, my solution (for right now!) is First, Current Last, His Last without hypenation but with audibly saying both last names. (A la Pam Anderson Lee - SORRY - first example I could come up with!!!) I feel that using my first name and THREE last names would be a bit much!

Regarding the people who are considering giving children two different last names, do what works for you. But, I know that my mom was proud of my middle name (her maiden name, remember) and always used my full name on school/CCD/sports paper work. The result was that even though it was CLEARLY written over the space for "Middle" name, I was routinely misplaced, mis-alphabetized and called by the wrong name.

As adults, we don''t think that is a big deal. But, I was a sensitive kid and was reduced to tears when other kids would say that my older sibling was not my "real" family. Kids would tell me that I was adopted and that my parents were lying about it. Later people just assumed that my Dad was not my biological father. (When they understood what that was!)

Again, as an adult, the explanation is so simple, that it is all just silly. Now, I am VERY proud of my mom''s maiden name. But, as a kid, the teasing just stunk. (Remeber, I was sensitive, and my name seemed the only source of inspiration for two particular classmates.) So, please keep that in mind, because my situation was just a result of the inability of "the powers that be" to read a form properly!

While (as adults) I am SURE that your children will love the sentiment and appreciate the uniqueness of their name, the school yard could be tougher than you might realize; especially if you get a child who internalizes stuff.

I REALLY hope I didn''t offend anyone! I just think people tend to analyze childhood emotions and experiences with adult rationale and fortitude. So, I thought I would offer up my own stories!

Munchkin

 

[katrina_33]

I was a gender studies minor in college and absolutely consider myself a feminist. However, I''m also a pragmatist. The practical problem with wanting to hang onto "your" name after marriage is that it''s actually (usually) your father''s name. So if you''re wanting to not participate in a patriarchal tradition, that doesn''t seem right - what about your mothers name? shouldn''t you incorporate that? But your mothers name is actually (usually) her fathers name, not *really* hers, so what about your mothers mothers name? The problem is that once you''re rooted in the tradition of family names being handed down on the fathers side, you''re in it until way back when, and can''t really get back to any kind of authentic, non patriarchal name, right? You''d have hundreds of names in the mix, and the oldest one you''d find would still be someone''s fathers name!

Now I get that the idea here is often more of wanting to keep the name/identity you grew up with, but I think you can keep your identity even while changing your name. It''s the "Mr & Mrs Adam Brody" stuff that creeps me out, not Mrs Kate Brody & Mr Adam Brody (as some other posters have mentioned).

Plus, I really do like the idea that when you''re married you become each others family. So marriage IS a big change of identity - you don''t have to lose your personality, but your identity is changing, like it or not. Your primary family is now this other person, not the family you grew up with. I think a name change can go along with this very naturally, whether it''s him changing to your name, you both changing to a new name, or adopting a hyphenated name!

Not to even mention that the tradition of the engagement ring itself, and SO many of the wedding customs that are going strong to this day are deeply patriarchal.

 

[Erin]

My bf is very proud of his last name. We are both lithuanian but my mother married an Englishman and our last name is ----son - not very ethnic. However, the bf''s last name is actually ----gitis, very lithuanian. When my bf''s grandfather came to America, he changed it to ----gate. So bf is very proud to know - proven by internet searches - that anyone with the last name ----gate is definitely related to him. It''s almost like old heritage meets the opportunity for a whole new name branch and considering the bf is the only son of a son, it''s up to us to keep it growing. Guess you know what I''ll do.

 

[lmurden]

One last time, no offense was taken!
Ladies please do what you think is best for U!

 

[KimberJEB]

NJC - I have always had 2 middle names. I have been, oh I don''t care...KImberly Jane Elizabeth B, my whole life. The problem, for me, is that I HATE my 1st name, despite the fact that I go by it, LOVE my middle names, like my last name. My 1st name is my mom''s name, Jane is my maternal grandmother''s name, Elizabeth is my paternal grandmothers name. I LIKE having 4 names. But I can''t drop either of my middle names without offending a grandmother, unless I drop both. And I have just always thought I would be Kimberly B. H. when I get married. My mom dropped her middle and moved her maiden to middle. Not for any feminist reason, that''s just what my family does (and my mom has NEVER had a job...she graduated college, married my dad). It may have started with my grandmother who was born Betty Jane C, didn''t like the Betty part and went by Janie. So she became Jane C. W. when she got married. And plus, it will be helpflu to me if I ever run for a local political office (not a plan, but a possibility) to have my maiden name on there somewhere.

Anyway, the point of all the rambling is there is no reason that you can''t have 4 names. I do, and it''s kind of fun.

 

[KimberJEB]

Ok, so my response to the original question. I am going to change my name. I am not entirely certain what the middle name will be (I am very attached to my 2 middle names and my last name, read post to NJC above). If I DO keep my maiden name as my middle name, I will still primarily go by "Kimberly HISLASTNAME", but where I use my middle, or if I ever run for a political office, or when I am looking for a law job, I will say my middle..."Kimberly MAIDEN HISLASTNAME".

I live in FL. I know FL isn't the south, but I live in N. Fl, which is. It is very common in the south to use family names as first names. My grandmothers' maiden/middle names are Gale and Cameron. I think those are BEAUTIFUL names, and will likely include them in my children's names, though as 1st or middle, I don't know. I may name a son after my dad, though since we already have 3 Tyrie's in the family, we may not need another (dad, grandfather, cousin). My BFs middle name is his dad's middle name, and his grandmother's maiden name. So those of you who are considering that, especially if it is a NICE maiden name, family name, it is a great idea! Now, my BFs stepbros middle name is Tickler (his moms maiden). That is a name no one wants. Especially since his grandfather is Richard and goes by the common nickname...Dick. (put it together).

Editing to add...at every wedding I go to, the moment that is most touching to me is not the vows, the kiss, the 1st dance. It is the "I now present to you Mr. and Mrs. So and So". TO me, that is the moment when it is real for that couple. They are a pair, a team, a partnership, a family.

 

[heartsonfire]

I grew up with my mom''s maiden name and dad''s last name, my brother had my mom''s maiden name and my sister had my dad''s last name. We all grew up just fine. Yes, along the road there were some questions but no confusion and people accepted it. At the end it was our last name as long as we can live with it. And we very much did. The only thing that bothered me, it took me forever to fill out my name before I was able to start my exam, I''m sure when I just finished writing my name everyone else already answered the 3rd question. LOL

Later when I decided to take over my German citizenship (Papa is German) I decided to go on with my mom''s maiden name. It was fair to me. I gave up my former citizenship but intended to keep my mom''s maiden name (mom is Filipina). My parent''s agreed and I am very happy with my last name because it''s not as long as it used to be.

Now my sister is married and she took over her husband''s last name. My brother will definitely keep his, which is my mom''s maiden name. And I would like to keep my own name too. However I decided, when I get married one day I would like to have my last name as my middle name and add my future husband''s name as my new last name. That is actually the traditional way to do it over here in the Philippines. On official papers (for example passport) it has to be spelled out, but if I''m in a rush and I would have to fill out a form for example, I can only abreviate my middle name with the first initial followed by a dot which is "S.".

I am also not engaged yet but BF and I have spoken about it already. He will definitely want our kids to carry his name. But I think I will compromise to add my "S." before my BF''s last name. I believe that is fair for both of us and for the kids.

I believe everyone has their own opinion and we have to be open to accept that, that''s their last name and that''s how they want to be called and be identified.

 

[MissAva]

Date: 3/16/2005 12:20:41 PM
Author: fountainfairfax
Later when we were getting divorced my therapist said my decision to keep my name was a sign that I too was not fully committed to the marriage! I''m not sure if she was right or wrong...

.

Wow that is absolute nonsense. I am going to change my name I look at it as a sign of acceptence from his family and a transfer of responsiblity from father to husband. (this old fashioned but dont ya''ll still rely on your dads for help, until 16 or so, with car questions ie funny noises or something bad happening). Plus every third person in the world is a Scott and I like VanDerveer as a name and people misspell mine all the time this way I wont react by thinking what a raving idiot they are.

I like the tradtion of your name changing and to me Katherine Leigh VanDerveer sounds as good as Katherine Leigh Scott, all four of the chiildrens names in my family are taken from other people in the family. I feel like I can name my child Whitney, Blair, Cynthia, Julian, Saxon, Richard, Thomas or Leigh, and keep things going. Hell my parents even gave the dog a family name Beuregaurd and I named mine William after my uncle(dead so no offense to him). My mother didnt have a middle name so her surname became her middle and that suits her fine. People have asked about making my last name my middle so I can have the name my parents gave me and I think that takes away the name my family gave me. My name doesnt make me who I am. And I will be proud to be a Mrs. That said I have freinds and know other couples where the wife hasnt changed the name and it has only once afftected my veiw on the couple (wife hyphenated their last names....only they were both white, so everything was signed white-white thats just petty IMO) I have looked at getting documents switched over and it will be a wee bit of a pain but if that isnt a reason for me to not take his name and he is a good boy and will help cuase it is important to him too. I would not however trade off names from child to child that would make one child feel favored by one paretns and I can see that comming up in argumetns during Adolesence. None the less I really think this is a personal choice we can all rally for what is right for us but you need to decide what feels right for you.

 

[Blue824]

Ok, I just got back from lunch and in the lounge was yesterday''s copy of the Chicago Sun Times...This little blurb was in one of the columns:

"Name blame?
Brazilian psychologist Disely Carreiro Stefani on a trend that has Brazilian men taking their wives'' surnames: ''By doing this, the men show their brides how much they love and admire them.''"

Hehe so apparently the trend in Brazil is the other way around from here lately? Maybe Appletini''s bf would know about that, but I hadn''t heard that before. I''ve already commented, but I just don''t think not changing your name or agreeing to change has anything to do with how much you love the other person. Its a personal decision for each one of us.

 

[snlee]

I''m not even engaged yet but have thought about this. I''m not in love with my last name but I guess I''m just used to hearing it that way. So I sort of wanted to keep my last name but I also like everyone in the family to have the same last name (myself, my husband, and kids). I also think it''s a lot of trouble to officially change your name (my honey thinks so too). I definitely won''t have my maiden name as my middle name or have it hyphenated. It would look/sound so bad. It would be L_ _ - L _ _ . I bet you can guess what they are. They are both pretty common last names. One thing I like is that my initials won''t change. Even if I do take my husbands last name it would be still 3 letters and start with an L.

 

[blueroses]

Esperanza, I''m dealing with a similar quandry about what to do about my name professionally (I assume you''re an actor as well from your avatar?) You can legally change your name any old time you want, so if you are taking your fi''s name you can always change it before you''re married...heck, you could go do it NOW!

(And does anyone else cruise the Sunday Styles section of the NYT just to see what people are doing with their names? I''m a dork, but I always check it out. Seems like a lot of women are keeping names professionally BUT changing them socially.)

Kimberly, our grandmothers have/had the exact same names!! My maternal was Jane and my paternal was Betty (Elizabeth Jane.) I think the double-name phenomenon is so common in the South (Can''t tell you how many Anne Margaret, Mary Katherine, Anne Page....etc I went to college with) that it''d be easy to find a way to incorporate both maiden and middle names either for oneself or for kids. Women in my family have usually dropped the middle for the maiden. (My mom hated her middle name--Louise--so that worked well for her!!) I still think I''ll probably just add one and end up with 4 initials.

I also always think it''s interesting when famous women''s surnames are married names and then they divorce--but retain the "famous" name b/c that''s the one they''re known by now. (e.g. Faith Hill or Susan Sarandan--both surnames are from previous marriages)

 

[MissAva]

There is no limit on how many intials you can have...my little sis has four Cythina Julian Saxon Scott. She goes by Saxon and thus far hasnt been bother by the extra letter on her school tote (her school requires they all carry the same bag with intials emrodiered on). Do what makes you happy, becuase in the long run no matter what your neighbor, coworker or friend thinks it is you. I would take you DF into account but only partailly the final decision has to be that of the woman invloved.

 

[KimberJEB]

Blueroses...so we haev the same B-day, and the same grandmothers names...hmm, what else? Oh and REALLY long term relationships

Actually, my maternal grandmother was christened Betty Jane, but dropped the Betty when she got married since she had alwaysbeen called Jane. Paternal is Elizabeth.

I LOVE my middle names, and would love to go by either of them. Kimberly has SO many negative connotations (seriously, think about it...if there is a Kimberly in a TV show or movie, she is a) annoying, b)slutty, c)slightly evil, or d) all of the above. Kimmy or whatever from Full House, Kimberly from Melrose Place, and there are a lot more. Plus, when I tell someone my name, they ALWAYS call me KIM, which IS NOT my name!!! Or they dont get it and think I said Tiffany or Desiree. No one I know thinks I pronounce my name weird, but...

Anyway, I kind of want to change my name to a middle name, but my dad and BF think it is slightly absurd. And maybe it is, lol

 

[ammayernyc]

Although I do read the NY Time regularly, I got a weekend subscription primarily so I could see the wedding section! I swear, it seems like I know someone almost every week!

 

[blueroses]

Kimberly, that is just WEIRD!!! I''d forgotten that we were b-day twins!! My dad''s mom was called Betty but her given name was Elizabeth Jane....and then mom''s mom first name was Jane. Insert twighlight zone music here!!!

Ammayer, I do the same thing.....I cruise the names quickly to see who I know (maybe 1-2 couples a month!) and then I read the details for all the other dirt. LOVED that SATC where poor Charlotte had a hitler-smudge on her pic with Harry!!

 

[blue_chica]

Author: KimberJEB
I am going to change my name I look at it as a sign of acceptence from his family and a transfer of responsiblity from father to husband. (this old fashioned but dont ya'll still rely on your dads for help, until 16 or so, with car questions ie funny noises or something bad happening).

I truly believe to each their own on this topic, whatever works for you and your family is what you should do because each person's feelings is a blend of their specific experiences and in the end it doesn't really matter in a wider societal sense. However, I had to speak up because you have hit on the head EXACTLY why I don't feel comfortable changing my name. There is no responsibility for me transfering from anyone to anyone as a part of getting married, for me. I'm the only female child of a single mother, and as such I've been taking care of myself for a long time. No man has ever taken "responsibility" for me, and I certainly don't want someone starting now, for me that would just be weird. And it's those overtones that bother me about the whole name change thing.

Someone mentioned a while ago that in a way all names are patriarchial, because your mother's maiden name came from her father, etc. And that's certainly generally true. However, there is something symbolic in keeping my mother's name even if the change only starts with me. I'm sure I would feel differently, at least less strongly, if I had more male role models in my life, - the expectations wouldn't seem so contrived.

On that note, however, my BF randomly said last night that he's been thinking about this issue and is beginning to like the idea of both of us changing our names to something new, which is a change from what he's said in the past. So maybe we'll do that.

 

[eks6426]

Well, for my first marriage I didn''t want to take my husband''s name. I thought he should consider taking mine since I was the last in line and he had a brother to carry on his. But that went over like a lead balloon. Then I thought...ok we can both choose a last name we like that comes from neither of our families...That didn''t work either. Then I thought about hypenating or using my maiden name as a middle name. But neither of those worked either...his last name was Redd...mine was Spotts....so these were the options.

E Redd-Spotts (very bad!) or E Spotts Redd (also bad). In the end I kept my name E Spotts. But that turned out to be a real pain when we had a son who we gave HIS last name. I was constantly questioned on whether I was really my son''s mom. Almost all mail came to me from his school addressed as Mrs. Redd no matter how many letters or phone I made to the school. Other little kids call me Mrs. Redd to because they know my son''s last name. Anyway...anyone looking to keep their name ought to think about a life of correcting everyone....

Now, I am getting married again. And this time I''ve decided to take my fiance''s last name...Partially because the thought of 3 names in one household just seems way too confusing and also because this marriage feels "real" and maybe I''ve grown more secure in myself that a name just doesn''t make my identity as much as it did when I was younger. Besides, his last name...Clark is easy to spell and no one makes fun of it

 

[KimberJEB]

Well...I am not really going to agree with you (or with the Original Poster of the statement you quoted. But... I just want to clarify that I didn''t write that, lol. It was someone else. I do - to a point - agree with it, though in reality I take care of my BF more than he takes care of me, but still...

 

[eks6426]

Just one more thought...all of you who have 2 middle names...how do you handle Driver''s licenses etc? I tried to do my name with my first name, middle name, maiden name, his name. But when I went to go do my drivers license the clerks were like...we only have 3 fields...you have to choose ONE of your middle names only..I tried to convince them to type in both middle names in the middle name field...just add a space but they wouldn''t do it. So, that sealed the deal for me to keep my maiden name.

 

[blue_chica]

Oh, hehe, sorry KimberJEB! It was Matatora - the little quote button automatically fills in the author, and I forgot to change it. In any case, I truly am not disagreeing with anyone's choice, I just wanted to comment because her post pinpointed my problem with the process for me.

Sorry for misattributing!

 

[jenwill]

I just wanted to say that my father was never involved in my life, so I never asked him about ''car questions or strange noises or how to fix things''. My mom was that person.

sometimes one answer doesn''t fit all, just like one persons experiences growing up do not fit others.

 

[MissAva]

I cant belive how much I am leanring from what seemed like a simple question. Everyone has had such vaired life experinces it really shows on this post and feminism my .02.

 

[ivanadiamond]

I was so happy when I read this thread today, I had never given much thought to my last name. In fact, most people know me by my first name in a cher, madonna, prince kind of way ) this is not do to any fame or stardum by any means, but rather that I have a unique name (it isn''t Ivanna- I just vanted a diamond when I first joined PS) in the United States.

But with my wedding approaching in August I catch myself constantly saying my full name as of late. I can''t help myself...I answer the phone at work with my full name, a total first. When I leave messages, I leave my full name, a first as well. I now write my own name while doodling at work and feel nostalgia. I am excited to take my fi name, but now have such tremendous affection for my own last name. I don''t have a middle name, so I will make it that, but I also feel sad because I am an only child and my father has two sisters, so the name ends with me.

It is so strange that one identifies with things in their absence so much more that when you have them. I loved reading all your posts. It is so great to read so many perspectives. I love this thread.

 

[MelissaSue]

Is it strange that I feel much more attached to my MIDDLE name, than my last name? I was just reading these posts and thinking about what my name would sound like if I dropped my middle name and made my maiden name my middle.. and YUCK.. I would feel much less like myself without my middle name... (and then I''d have to change all my screen names!!). In any sort of formal situation I use both my first and my middle name. (Writing papers, resume, job applications.. etc..). It doesn''t normally get used when I talk to people.. but. I feel as though IT is much more a part of my identity than my last name is. I even noticed at work when I initial things.. I''m the only one who uses all three initials (is that odd?).. I''m not so attached to my last name..

 

[MaybeDayze]

I wish this was a poll!

 

[fatafelice]

I know that I''m getting in a little late on this action, but I haven''t had time to post much lately. This is an issue, however, that I have really been giving a great deal of thought.

If you had asked me a few years ago, I would have said, without pause, that I was going to take my husband''s name. Don''t get me wrong, I love my last name. So much, in fact, that I used to dream of meeting and marrying a man with the same one! (hey, it almost worked out that way for one of my aunts!) In both my mother''s and father''s families, family name is very important. My father is a III and my mother kept her maiden name as her middle through two marriages (and went back to her maiden in between). My father also researched our family and our name extensively. My name is frequently mispronounced and I''m always asked how to spell it, but I like the uniqueness of it. When I lived in the south, I never met another person with my last name. Here in NJ, however, there is another family on my block!

Last September, I lost my father. We had always known that he would be the last of his line, since he had no siblings and only three daughters, but I thought he would be aroung for 30 more years or so. Losing him so suddenly, it made me re-think the whole name change plan. My older sister will be getting married this fall and I know that she will be taking her husband''s name. My younger sister is only 15, so who knows about her... but I''m just not ready to let it go now. It feels like a connection to my Dad that I don''t want to lose.

I haven''t discussed this with my BF yet. He knows that I want our first born son to have my Dad''s name and I am grateful that he supports that, rather than wanting his son to be a Jr. Both our last names begin with the same three letters and are a little long, so hyphenating wouldn''t work. Living near his family, I am also realizing that I don''t want to be one of four Mrs.HisLastNames, which I would be if you count his mother and two sister-in-laws.

Long story, short: I''m not sure what I''m going to do, but this thread has given me a lot to think about.

 

[fatafelice]

Kimber: Where in North Florida do you live? I grew up in Jacksonville.

 

[Tybee]

I feel like I''m always replying late lately--
I just wanted to add a few thoughts.
My name identifies ME...it is part of who I am. I am not planning on changing myself after I am married. I want to always be me, and always be remembered as me, all my successes and mistakes so far have been made with this name. I am proud of the road I have taken, and the person I''ve become. I''m a bit older...turning 37 in April, so that might have something to do with my strong feelings. I just don''t see why I should have to CHANGE anything? Maybe that''s one of the millions of reasons that I waited so long to get married (but thank goodness I did, or I wouldn''t have the THE ONE.)
As far as children go, I''ve been an elementary teacher for 9 years. I''ve seen all kinds of family name situations, it''s 2005, believe me, keeping your name isn''t a problem in the schools anymore, people are used to it, we can handle it, it won''t affect your children. I even knew one family that gave their daughter the mother''s last name. She was the last of her family and didn''t want the name to die out. I think that''s cool.
My name isn''t cool, it isn''t special, it isn''t great, but it''s me. I like me, I like my name.
(getting close to setting a date!)
Tybee

 

[Brittany]

I am starting to feel like the minority here.

I am honored that my Fiance wants me to take his family name and call it my own. Honestly, for me- that seals the deal. When we''re a family, together. Under the same name.

For others, I understand keeping "your" name. Honestly though, when you are married- as individuals you are dissolved and together, become one person. I just don''t see the point in keeping "what''s mine is mine, and yours, yours."

To me, we''re together, we''re one. We''re a package deal. Why try to separate what has become one in spirit?

That is my view. I don''t care what anyone decides to do for themselves. But in my wedding ceremony, these are the things that will be exclusively outlined and agreed upon.

Brittany