Are you changing your name?

[sparklish]

Date: 3/22/2005 10:21:25 AM
Author: Brittany
For others, I understand keeping ''your'' name. Honestly though, when you are married- as individuals you are dissolved and together, become one person. I just don''t see the point in keeping ''what''s mine is mine, and yours, yours.''

To me, we''re together, we''re one. We''re a package deal. Why try to separate what has become one in spirit?

I think it''s great that you''re comfortable taking your FI''s name. There are a lot of good reasons why one might do so. But I don''t agree that as an individual, I am dissolved once I am married. Yes, there are compromises. But my interests, my likes and dislikes, my feelings and who I am don''t change. I don''t expect him to change either. And even if we do "come together as one" why does it have to be under his name? I''m not criticising the decision to take someone''s name at all, just the reasoning here. Marriage is partnership, not a loss of individuality.

 

[blueroses]

Thought the timing of this was perfect:

 

[jenwill]

Hah! That is very timely, blueroses. I think that one thing I will miss will be ''Miss''. I am sure I will like ''Mrs.'' well enough- but I have really started to like putting Miss before my name...as I am approaching 35, it makes me feel younger. Silly head.

 

[sparkling]

DF asked me that question on like our third date. It was a dealbreaker for him. I said yes. I''ve been married 2x before and didn''t. This time''s for keeps so guess what? I am trying not to be like my evil friend who made her husband tatoo her name on his arm, in exchange for her taking his name. They are now divorced, but the tatoo lives on (complete with a heart-can you imagine what subsequent girlfriend''s think????)

I am going to have my last be my middle, so people won''t get confused.

 

[Croí]

well now, this has become one hot issue !

I have a few odd tidbits to add.

First, in Celtic society your lineage was traced through your mother. This stemmed from a very basic and really very logical form of thought - you can tell who someone''s mother is. She is pregnant for nine months, it becomes a bit obvious !! It is not always easy to decide who the father is (or it was not easy in those times!) thus the line was followed through the mothers. The Celts were a matriarchal society in the social sense, it was really the Romans that brought that patriarchal society to the fore.
I am now LIVING this reality since I''m a woman of Celtic descent and from a household where women were the majority by a large margin and I''m about to marry a man of Roman descent with a military history and personality. I tell you, we have GREAT debates in our house !!

Second, I already have two distinct names as it is. On my passport my name is in Gaelic but in all my U.S. paperwork, including Driver''s License, it''s in the English form of my Irish last name.

My last name now is easy to say and spell (though many spell it the U.S. way and lose a letter, still, it''s an easy one). Peter''s last name is easy too, if you are Italian, or used to Italian last names. My family / extended family at home have all been falling over themselves trying to get it right, both verbally and on paper !

very amusing !!

I will consider myself Mrs. B. in the sense of being a couple in society but I will never consider myself to be only half of a whole, I''m a whole all on my very own thanks very much !

We have not got so far as to discuss what we are changing and what we are not. I want his name because I want to be identified as his wife (not just his gf or SO - again this is a personal history issue and everyone is different, all you gf and SO''s are JUST as significant as any wives, don''t take offense, I am talking personally here) and not just by the outside world but by him too (though he already considers and calls me this anyway). I am more than a girlfriend and I want to be known as such. Having said that there are plenty of things I want to keep ''my own'' and I intend to. Luckily we are good at the compromise thing (guess we''d want to be !) and I don''t foresee any issues with this part and we''re in no hurry to run out and ''officially'' change anything.

One sticking point on this though, for me personally, is the health-proxy issue. This is not due to the current case in Florida but due to previous personal experience where I could not get any information or have any say in the health care of an ex who was once seriously hurt. Even if we were not marrying now I would insist on getting this issue sorted from a legal standpoint. That is really the only part of this that I do feel very strongly about. Outside of that, I''m his, he''s mine, we''re each others. Who is called what on paper doesn''t really bother me.

However - damn, I''m babbling !
If I do go with his last name (very likely) the children will have old Gaelic first names and if the Yanks (no offense) have trouble at first pronouncing and spelling the first names it''ll be no different than the Irish having the same problems with the last name when we are over there !

Right, I think that''s ALL my points on this issue.

so NICE outside today, only 52F but feels like high summer after the winter we''ve had ! definitely going for a walk tonight !

 

[njc]

Last night FI and I went to talk with the pastor who will be marrying us. He wanted to ask us questions and let us hear each others answers just in case there were things we hadnt talked about/thought of in hopes of avoiding a divorce over something like, i never knew you didnt want to have kids, kinda thing.

There were no real surprises but at the end he asked if there was anything he didnt ask that we thought he might. Thinking of this recent thread as well as talks with the FI, I brought up the name change issue and he was surprised. After asking me if i would be changing my name (yes), he agreed that it is more common for women to keep their names or hyphenate them and thought he would add it to his list of questions. He said it would have been a "deal breaker" for him if his wife had been unwilling to take his name. FI said it wouldnt be a deal breaker for him, but he would be upset, which i know.

 

[aljdewey]

Date: 3/16/2005 8

4:36 PM
Author: Logan Sapphire

Yes, it''s perhaps patriarchally traditional to change one''s last name but so is receiving an engagement ring, and I didn''t exactly complain at that.

Logan, you have made here one of the most "a-ha!" observations I''ve seen in 3 years on this board. How completely well-pointed out!

Nice job.

 

[aljdewey]

At almost 39 years old, I happily took my husband''s name when we married. I was Al J. Myname before, and I am Al J. Hubbysname now.

What someone calls me doesn''t define who I am. It''s a name....nothing more. It''s a label, but it''s not the contents.

My maiden name is Italian. My married name is German. I can GUARANTEE you that I''m no less Italian today than I was pre-marriage.

I personally believe people attach way more baggage to this issue than there should be. Do whatever feels right for you and FI. There is no one right answer.

 

[JCJD]

I'm legally changing my last name to his last name, but professionally I will hyphenate to MyLastName-HisLastName. Legally hyphenating will be a mouthful, keeping my maiden name legally and either keeping maiden or hyphenating professionally will just confuse me, and professionally changing it completely will make it difficult to have my prior work associated with me, which is important to me. Plus, I like the idea of people looking at my publication record and seeing that I'm now married.

 

[elepri]

Date: 3/22/2005 3:36:41 PM
Author: jenwill
Hah! That is very timely, blueroses. I think that one thing I will miss will be 'Miss'. I am sure I will like 'Mrs.' well enough- but I have really started to like putting Miss before my name...as I am approaching 35, it makes me feel younger. Silly head.

Do people really still use "Mrs"? I get mostly "Ms" anyway although i'm not married yet. Once i get married, I'll just inisist on "Dr".

 

[jenwill]

Well, I get Miss and I get Ms. And have started getting (especially after I turned 32/33) Mrs, even without a wedding ring. Mostly when I am shopping and they read the name off of the receipt, or am waiting to pick something up and they look at the last name ...Mrs. Williams! Makes me feel old in the same way that the first time I was called ''Ma''am'' instead of Miss by the grocery bagger. oooooh, felt really old. I am so not a Ma''am!

 

[njc]

I addressed wedding invitations for a friend in the fall and gave myself a well needed lesson about Mrs. Ms. and Miss. Ive been addressing women incorrectly my entire life!

Mrs. - should only be used when using a husbands name. Ex: Mrs. Robert Smith

Ms. - is for your name, married or not. There is no age definition for when Miss turns to Ms (boys go from Master to Mr. at 12). Ex: Ms. Patty Smith

Miss - unmarried. Since there is no set age to change to Ms (maybe coming from young marriage ages?), i guess its when you are no longer comfortable being Miss. At 25 im still comfortable with it, but not to say another woman my age wouldnt be.

That being said, my mother has always signs her name Mrs. HerName LastName. So who knows... PERSONAL PREFERANCE WINS AGAIN!

 

[AChiOAlumna]

I also took on my husband''s name when we got married, but I also was not given a middle name at birth so my name was always Ms. AChiOAlumna MaidenName. When we got married, I legally made my maiden name my middle name. It''s not a hyphenated last name, it''s actually my middle name! So, now my legal name is Mrs. AChiOAlumna MaidenName HisLastName. Most people just know me as Mrs. AChiOAlumna HisLastName, but my family and I know that my maiden name is still alive and well!

 

[kaylagee]

I''m traditional... I took my husband''s name.

 

[gatorgirl007]

Hey traveling Gal. I am half Korean and half Chinese with a full chinese name. I am very proud of my name and my bf is having issues with me. His is American and does not ring well with just my first name. I want to keep my last name (my father passed away and I have no brothers, so I want to pass it on) and my sister was quite quick to drop it. I have discussed hyphenating my name and he jokes about me trying to get as many hyphens in my name as possible. I have also discussed with him than I want to hyphenate my kids names to pass it on. Still in negotiations and still waiting for the ring.... maybe that is a sign. Anyway, his dad is not too happy with it and his mom laughs. We will see, but either way my kids will carry on my last name one way or another. Why is it always his name that gets passed on? Good luck...

 

[dazedland]

I''m taking my boyfriend''s last name. At first I wasn''t sure. When my paternal grandfather''s parents moved to the US from Poland the last name had three extra letters and my grandfather shortened it legally. He has encouraged my father to shorten it even further, but he hasn''t and doesn''t intend to. My last name is a pain to give people, but his last name is one of the most common out there which has it''s setbacks, but makes things easier overall because it means a great deal to him. My last name would be ridiculous hyphenated with his, so that route doesn''t look good. I used to worry about my family name fading out because until 4-5 years ago there were 7 girls and one boy (my brother) my uncle got remarried and hd a boy about 5 years ago and now his wife is pregnant again with another boy, so that eased my mind. So all signs point to me changing my name to his.

 

[jorman]

I am a total sap. I am one of those "keep the original engagement ring & never upgrade because of sentimental value" types of girls, so I am ALL about taking his last name.

I also could NEVER hyphenate. My name would end up sounding very much like an expensive icecream.

 

[Rube]

It''s funny, I mentioned to my fiance about maybe changing my name the other day (we had decided I wouldn''t) and he said "But then you won''t be YOU anymore." What a puppy dog face I got for that.

We''re keeping our names for professional reasons.

 

[royalasschergirl]

I have a really unique first name and middle name, and then the most common last name on the planet!! I guess my mom felt the need to over compensate for my last name with the first and middle names! That said, i''m looking forward to getting rid of my ''super boring'' last name and taking my boyfriend''s last name. But I will retain my middle name as my middle name, and not use my current last name as an initial, as i think is pretty common practice. I have always loved my first and middle names, so i''m gonna keep those in tact!!

 

[jnybrk]

I am looking forward to changing my name just because i am not crazy about it. My mom told me a long time ago that she wishes that she had kept her maiden name which now has no one to carry it on. So my choices are to take his last name or i want us both to take on my mother''s maiden name. Unfortunately he has no brothers so i am going to go with his last name and beg one of my two brothers to change to my grandparents name that way all family lines are covered.

On a happy note, when keeping my middle name and taking his last name we will have the same initials. JBD! Also i go by my first name and he goes by his middle name. this will make monogramming easy all the way around no matter if it is my name, his name or the combo of the two it will always be the same!

This will be great for wedding gifts although i am a little ahead of myself since i am still waiting on a ring.

 

[Caribou]

Yes I''m changing it and I can''t wait. It should be easy to get used to since the first two and last two letters of both or names are the name..it''s just the insides that are different.

 

[jcrow]

i am changing my last name to his. i am not putting my last name as my middle name. my name will be
Myfirstname Myoriginalmiddlename Hislastname.

i never really liked my last name. i am not close to my father, so there''s no signifigance there, though i am the only child (and only grandchild).
BF''s last name is short and sweet. i am looking forward to it.

 

[AmberWaves]

I have no doubt whatsoever about taking my BF''s name. We have my brother as the last male with our last name (who happens to be marrying next April), but our last name is one of the most, if not THE most popular last names in the country, so it''s not as if it''s going to die out anytime soon. Still, I was going to move my maiden name to my middle, but then I realized my middle name is a variation on my grandma''s on my mom''s side. But instead of being Mary Lou (I know!!), it''s Marie. If I changed it, would it be insulting to my mom''s family?

Also, our two kids names are picked out in advance (hoping we have 1 of each), The boy would have my BF''s dad''s name as his middle (he passed away years ago, and no one else in the family has chosen his name for their kids), and my grandma''s name as the middle name of our daughter. Too bad my grandma didn''t have such a cool last name, but her''s was super common for 1912! It''s Ora.

 

[SoonIHope]

WHOO it took me hours to read this whole thread!

I am planning (still not officially decided (or engaged)) to change my last name. The problems with this are that, mainly, I don''t like the whole patriarchal history of switching from your father''s name to your husband''s name. Really rubs me the wrong way when I think about it. But when I''m NOT thinking about the history of it...I really like the idea of me and my husband (when he is that...) being our own family and our kids having the same name as the two of us, etc. I just like the idea that we will indisputably be a FAMILY, and there won''t be any explanations to make or anything like that.

Except that my boyfriend''s last name is very Chinese (I''m caucasian), so I''m sure people will be confused when they first meet me after having read my name, but they''ll get over that.

But the other part of that is that I expect our kids will look fairly Asian, which is another reason I''d like to have the same last name as them. Actually, I honestly care a lot more about having the same last name as my children than as my husband. But, my cousin''s wife had a baby a few months ago and he (the baby) has her last name since she didn''t change her name, and I always feel so bad for my cousin when people assume they''re not married, or he isn''t the baby''s father or whatever. Easily fixed, but still, I love the idea of just being a family.

As for what exactly will happen to my name....my current last name is very very generic, and I never knew my grandfather (died when my father was a baby) or his side of the family. So my grandmother, my parents, and my brother are the only people I know with my same last name that are related to me, even though everyone else under the sun seems to have my last name and NOT be related to me. My dad''s first name is his mother''s maiden name, and that''s the branch of his family that I know well (100s of them), so I do feel a connection to that part of the family, even though I don''t technically have that name anywhere in my name. So if I drop my current last name, it will feel weird because I''m dropping the name I had my whole life and it seems kind of mean to my dad, even though the MyLastName''s aren''t really the part of my dad''s family I identify with.

My current middle name is my mother''s maiden name. She always regretted changing her name, and wished she hadn''t. She kept both her maiden name and her middle name (which was HER mother''s maiden name) so she has 4 names. The part of my mother''s family I identify with the most is my grandmother''s (aka my mother''s middle name) which is, again, not technically part of my name. I love my current middle name just because it''s very quirky for a name (but a very common everyday word), so I definitely wouldn''t want to drop it.

BUT my current middle name (my mother''s maiden name) is a one syllable three letter word that rhymes with "boo." And my boyfriend''s name is.....a one syllable three letter word that rhymes with "boo."

So I reeeeeeeally can''t drop my current last name, which is the one I feel the least attachment to and become MyFirstName MyMiddleName HisLastName because then I sound like a children''s book character.

So I think I''m going to end up with MyFirstName MyMiddleName MyLastName HisLastName. Which gets long and confusing, and I''ll just usually go by MyFirstName HisLastName and give our kids some name that reminds me of my family even if it isn''t officially my middle or last name.

The end!

 

[ellebirds]

Hello all

I think this is a personal decision but I always wonder what happens a couple of generations down the line. I know a few people who have hyphenated names and it works just fine for now but how many names can one person handle?? If both parents have hyphenated names....do you just pick one each??? Or does the kid have to live with 4 last names? I can just hear the teacher now: Andy Smith-Jones-Parkdale Connor....are you here?

PS I''m a new poster but I''ve been reading for awhile. My compliments on a wonderful forum.

 

[Caribou]

Date: 11/22/2005 6:10:02 PM
Author: albicocca
Except that my boyfriend''s last name is very Chinese (I''m caucasian), so I''m sure people will be confused when they first meet me

Hey Albicocca, it''ll be like that episode of Senfield where the woman''s last name was Chang...everyone thought she was Chinese until they met her and she turned out to be caucasian. Too funny. George''s mom thought she got advice from a wise Chinese woman. hehe.

 

[regalada]

What Caribou mentioned is exactly my problem. I currently have a hyphenated Spanish last name. My fiance''s last name is German. My name and his last name would sound really nice together since my first name is in English but then my full name would not give any indication of my Latin ethnicity. I keep picturing being introduced at a conference or something as "First name German last name" and then I show up looking truly not German.

On the flip side, starting our lives together as the "His Last names" sounds lovely. And the thought of never again having to spell my 12-letter hyphenated last name on the phone is a tempting one.

 

[SoonIHope]

Date: 11/23/2005 9:10:18 AM
Author: Caribou

Date: 11/22/2005 6:10:02 PM
Author: albicocca
Except that my boyfriend''s last name is very Chinese (I''m caucasian), so I''m sure people will be confused when they first meet me

Hey Albicocca, it''ll be like that episode of Senfield where the woman''s last name was Chang...everyone thought she was Chinese until they met her and she turned out to be caucasian. Too funny. George''s mom thought she got advice from a wise Chinese woman. hehe.

Hehehe, yeah, I''ll start dispensing wise sayings to everyone and try to sound really old on the phone! This''ll be fun!

 

[ky6]

Albicocca-

I am also thinking about doing the myfirst mymid mylast hislast combo. But I am confused on how to technically do that. Will I have two middle names (mymid mylast) or two last names (mylast hislast). I would like to keep my last somewhere in my name for professional use (currently known as myfirst mymidinitial mylast). If I change it legally to the four name combo, does that mean I can choose any combination of those names to go by personally or professionally? I am worried that if I legally change it to two last names then I cannot drop mylast when I want and be myfirst hislast. How are you doing it? How did your mother do it?

 

[Rube]

My husband has as very long german last name, and mine is (for the lack of a better description) very Jewish. And, I am currently using: FirstName MiddleName MyLast-HisLast. So far over the last few months I have stuck to using my OrigLast name for professional purposes- pretty much everything but legal matters. My taxes, Drivers License, etc. have the while shebang. But, most people would choke on the whole thing. It''s VERY VERY long.

As far as the kids thing goes -if we ever have any- they would have his name, and I would use it myself. (Still with the exception for publishing and art. It just seems so WIERD when we show our work as "SameName and SameName"

)