Are you changing your name?

[onedrop]

This is a VERY interesting topic. I actually feel the complete opposite of Lovey, BlueRoses and Ammarnyc. Now that I am older (in my 30''s) I feel very strongly about keeping my name. When I was younger I wanted to take his name.

As for the kids I am not sure at all. It''s interesting that in my family nearly all (if not all ) of the children have the father''s last name. And as I am the last in my line I feel very strongly about me keeping my name and my kids having my last name. So maybe hyphenation for the kids?

Nowadays there are so many blended families and other types of situations that it''s common for the kids and parents to have different names. For me, as long as the kids know their family tree and where they come from, the last names aren''t really important.

 

[ammayernyc]

Date: 3/16/2005 3:25:14 PM
Author: MelissaSue

Date: 3/16/2005 12:54:28 PM
Author: sparklish
I definitely plan to keep my name. I just can''t imagine having someone else''s name personally. I can''t imagine not having the same name as my family anymore, and not having the name they gave me. That''s just me... also, my name is common, easily to spell. For me it would just be weird to have his parent''s name and not my own.

Now, I''m being somewhat contradictory here, but I also don''t have worries about my kids. I plan for one to have his name, and the other to have mine. Or maybe we will hyphenate... we haven''t fully decided.

But my father also died when I was young and I don''t want to give up my link to him. I also want my children to be able to identify with that name as well. What me might to is first name, his family name as middle name, my family name as last name (or vice versa, my name as middle name, his name as last name - we''ll probably have to flip a coin on that.

REALLY? You would give your children DIFFERENT last names? I wouldn''t ever ever do that.. The poor kids would be SO confused their whole lives and would always have to explain it to everyone they met.. They will always be asked if they have different fathers or are step siblings or whatever.. I can totally repect you keeping your name.. but please hyphenate your childrens names or use one name as a middle name.. I have a friend whose mother did not change her name and he technically had both last names..PLUS a middle name.. but they weren''t hyphenated and he only went by the second one (his dads).

As for me.. I''m taking my fiances last name.. even though I don''t love it.. I love him and I think it only makes sense for us to become a FAMILY when we get married, we should have the same last name! Obviously our children will also have his last name, and I don''t think they will have my maiden name as any part of their names. I''m not very attached to that side of my family.

When my sister got married, she turned her maiden name into her middle name and also gave my oldest neice her maiden name as a middle name. Which is fine, except my neice is gonna get weird looks when she tells people what her middle name is for the rest of her life..

ANOTHER thing is, my aunt changed her name when she was married the first time and they had a little girl and the little girls FIRST name was my aunts maiden name.. Its a name that WORKS as a first name though (Morgan).. but everyone in my family thought it was the stupidest idea.. Its not so bad now that we have been used to it for 15 years though.

Wow!

Are you one of those people who think ''feminist'' is a dirty word?

Maybe it''s just a New York thing but there are lots of people I know whose kids have hyphenated last names or two last names or different last names. My kids will have my last name as their middle name b/c it is part of me, and therefore, a part of them. Who give a sh*t what some brats in a playground say to them when they are 6.

 

[lmurden]

Wow I thought I was fired up!

P.S. I don't think anyone against anybody it's just a topic. Do what you want.

 

[ammayernyc]

Sorry... that came out a lot harsher than I meant it too!

 

[lmurden]

No biggie! Anyway, I''m with you about giving my kids my last name as their middle name.

 

[MelissaSue]

no no no.. I''m not at all.. but I also think that Feminism has zero to do with whether or not you change your name. A lot of my work both graduate studies and undergrad has been in the area of women''s issues/stereotypes of women.. so I work with lots of women who consider themelves feminist.. it has nothing to do with whether or not they changed their name when they got married.

I dont'' see anything wrong with not changing your name.. even hyphenating your childrens name.. its all great.. but I think having two children that have the same parents and two different last names is just going too far.. thats all I''m saying!

 

[blueroses]

"Feminism is the radical notion that women are people"

Remind me to scan in my photos of marching with NOW on Washington in '95.....Blueroses takes it to the Capitol, yo

What an emotionally charged issue this is! Our generation is still in such flux with reconciling the you-can-do-it-all 80s and our current new-con times!


I think it's all about each couple's preference. While I may indeed change my name, one thing worthy of note for me is that I'm VERY adamant about middle names having a family connection, and that at least the first or middle name for each child should be from the mom's side. (My sister and I each have one of our grandmother's maiden names as our middle names)...and that's just MY choice--my way of trying to keep something matrilineal (sp?) going even if I do change my last name.

But I agree with some previous posters. It's about being John and Mary Smith vs. Mr. and Mrs. John Smith, or worse "the John Smiths"!!!! My bf is a III. I'm not entirely thrilled with the prospect of having the exact same married name as my MIL or her late MIL (bf's grandmother), with the rare exception of formally addressed wedding invitations!!

Anyway, I'll shut up now. I guess I'm still on the fence about what I'll do professionally, but I'm pretty sure I will change it "in life".


eta: I lied about the shutting up

Had to add that I disagree re: feminism having nothing to do with the name choice--at least historically and culturally, though perhaps not on an individual level. I mean--a woman's reasons for changing or not changing her name probably have to do with her personal beliefs about family or her own professional life, and it's entirely possible that she hasn't given any big "personal is political" thought to it. But historically, it has everything to do with feminism and the rise of women's equality--this would not have been much of an issue in the past--it just wouldn't have happened, because names have been handed down through the father's line, and not the mother's. I'm sure a lot of us don't give it that kind of thought, but consider whether our grandmothers would have been having this conversation.....and what's happened to women in the world in the intervening 60-80 years since they were married.....it might seem totally unrelated on the surface, but that's the luxury we have as the recipients of what our moms and grandmother's and so on fought for! 100 years ago, we couldn't even VOTE--we forget how quickly our world has changed, and what a priviledge it is for us to even have a choice in this matter!

Ok, I will step off my soapbox--this isn't really directed at anyone at all, so I hope no offense is taken, I just got off on a tangent. I mean, I was reading "The Feminine Mystique" for pleasure reading in college, so I guess my protesting muscles were a bit rusty

Women who choose to take their husband's name and stay home are making just as valid a choice--my Smith collge alum-fulbright-winning sister is now a stay-at-home-mommy, and i have the utmost respect for her!!! But we have to remember that that choice didn't use to even exist.

It makes me so sad that there are women at ALL that don't consider themselves feminist--all that word means is one who believes that women should be treated equally and afforded equal rights. That's it! I didn't have to buy combat boots or grow my pits or cut my hair or burn my bra or anything! (Well, I did get the free toaster....)

 

[NoonersMom]

LM, I know that everyone we know will know I am their mother. That''s not my issue or concern. However, my major issue is with traveling and in situations where it''s not obvious. Call me silly, but those are my thoughts when it comes to a last name. I will love & adore them regardless. Make no mistake about that! However, I also think there is something special to be able to look at your kids & physically see your genes (or resemblances) passed on as much as his.

When you look at my mom & I, there is no mistake that I am her daughter.....we both have the same striking green eyes, the same hair color and texture, etc. The list goes on. The same is true of one of my best friends. Call me sentimental or vain, but I like the thought of that.

Again, I reiterate that I will love & adore my children regardless and can''t wait to have them with my BF when the time is right. We''ve already discussed multiple aspects of the way they will be raised given our different backgrounds and customs.

This is just one of the many things that I think about when it comes to changing my last name and our children''s future. So please back off & remember that each situation is different and it''s a personal decision.

 

[njc]

My mother made her middle name her maiden name. Im pretty sure i will change my name although i have been thinking about not changing it legally, only socially. Honestly, i just dont want to jump through all the hoops to change it. Degrees, bank accounts, insurance, titles, the list goes on and on... a girl i work with is doing it right now and its ridiculous!

Blue roses - I guess i will be like your friends... ill need to keep my middle name and i want my maiden name too. I use a nickname, which comes from my middle name. Both my first and middle names are my grandmothers names, so i dont want to ditch the first name... lets see if i can think of an example without using my real name...

Say my real legal name is Mary Christine Smith. My parents and everyone else have only ever called me Christy. To drop Christine would make people wonder where Christy comes from (they already do sometimes). To drop Mary would make me feel like i was ditching my Grandmother Mary for Grandmother Christine. So if i change my name ill want to be Mary Christine Smith Jones legally, Christy Jones to everyone else i guess... still got a couple months.

 

[ammayernyc]

Alrighty now!

I''m glad to see that we are all such strong women with strong opinions, regardless of us going to change our names or how we''re going to name our kids.

To that note, I''m just as confused as I was before... but thanks for all the responses!

 

[elepri]

As for children being confused by different last names, I don't think it's true. My cousin and his wife have two kids, the girl has mom's last name, the boy has dad's. It has never been an issue. It's the adults who insist on conforming to certain rules, such as having the same last name, kids quite frankly, don't give a damn and just take for granted the names they have. And when they're old enough or ever care enough to ask why, there's a very simple explanation for why their names are different.

 

[blueroses]

Girls, I was just re-reading my post and I hope I didn''t go off too much.

Bottom line? We are all intelligent and strong women, and we will all make the right choice for US!!

 

[lmurden]

NoonersMom, I hear ya!

Like I said I really don't look like my mother in fact I look like my grandmother but believe my mother always made sure that everyone knew that I was hers.

Anyway, ladies be strong! I'm on to another topic.

 

[sparklish]

I totally agree that it''s whatever each person is comfortable with. If I didn''t like my name, or wasn''t close to my family, I would have nothing against taking his name. But I do and I am. Not that those are the only two reasons for taking someone else''s name, there are plenty of others who are close to their family, and do like their names but just aren''t as attached to them as I am.

But as for it confusing our kids, I don''t think it will. Yes, they might have to explain it every now and then, but I don''t think it will affect their identities. If anything it will give them a strong sense of self and individuality. Or maybe it won''t... but I don''t think anyone has ever ended up psychologically traumatised from it. I want them to know that my history is as important as their dad''s. Not that this is the only way to do it, but it''s something I feel strongly about and value and it''s my way if doing that.

Besides it will give them an interesting conversation piece for cocktail parties, or chat rooms, in the future!

 

[NoonersMom]

Blue Roses, I think it''s great that we discuss issues, feelings, thoughts, etc. With a diverse community such as this, one of the great benefits is that you''re exposed to a broader perspective. I love that we are debating feminism. I love that we are discussing changing of last names. I love it all...from the nonsense to the deep thoughts!

You know, you grow up with thoughts...you dream about the future...you think about things. One of the things that I''ve always wondereded is every aspect of my future children. First & foremost, will I be able to get pregnant? Will they be healthy? What will they look like? What will their temprament be? What hobbies will they have? What will inspire them? What kind of a sense of humor will they have, how will we raise them spiritually, etc. I''ve thought about all of that with hope & anticipation. Now that I''ve found the gentleman that I want to share every aspect of my life with (and vice versa), I can think about these things in a more concrete way. The physical appearance is just one of the many things I''ve considered. I think it''s only human.

LM, I am sorry if I offended you. I was not trying to offend anyone. I was simply stating my thoughts & feelings. My children could be siamese twins & I will love them unconditionally. I hope that I''ve communicated better & that you understand or appreciate where I am coming from. I would love to hear more about your situation.

Sorry this is so long....just wanted to ensure I communicated properly as we have is the written word.

 

[icekid]

interesting topic! personally, i don''t really care either way about changing my last name. however, bf has made it VERY clear that he wants me to change my name. so that''s what i will be doing since it makes little difference to me. i really have no problem with changing, other than being slightly concerned about the professional situation. my bf is the only son of two only children, so he''s the last with his last name. so our kids will definitely have his last name too.

i may consider switching my maiden name to my middle name and then continue to use my maiden name professionally though. i''m am a bit worried that all publications and schooling will be under my maiden name and that is how i will be known. but we are planning to get married before i finish medical school (that was my stipulation if he wants me to change my name!), so i think it should not be a huge problem.

i have to say i''ve never heard of people giving their children different last names though. interesting! i wouldn''t personally do it... but i guess the kids would not really know the difference until they''re older. it just seems logistically easier to me if the whole family has a unified name.

another one of those... to each her own! there is not a right answer... only what''s best for YOU

 

[jenwill]

I am changing my name as fast as can be! Not because of tradition or what he wants...nu tbecaseu I am sooooooo tried of their being so many of ''me'' in the world. I don''t even worry about posting my name, because good luck for someone trying to figure out which one of the 100 million Jennifer Williams'' in the US is me! Going to school, several of me, my last job 3 of me, this job 3 of me, always having to forward e-mail answer calls that are not mine.

In fact got pulled over by the police one night (late at night driving home from bf house on a saturday. Palo Alto police will pull you over just to see if you have been drinking) So, cop comes to my car, can obviously see by my ratty hair and no make-up look that I WAS NOT out partying, so just says he''s gonna run my license...OK. He comes back and says, just so you know, always give police you license # if they ask for your identity, because there is another JW in this town with same middle name (we almost all are Lynns or Lees or Leighs for some reason) and she has an arrest warrant out for her...cannot wait to get rid of name!

His name is much less common. thank goodness.

And, Noonersmom...my mom and I look nothing alike, but we have identical voices. If people just hear us from another room it sounds like a person talking to themself. So, you will see the similarities somewhere...maybe just not in the Nordic looks!

 

[NoonersMom]

LOL Jenwill......that''s a great visual of both of you talking to yourself! LOLOL. Sorry, gotta love the mental note. Thanks for the info.

I can see why you will be more than happy to change your name. That was very kind of the occifer to give you the helpful hint. LOL.

 

[blueroses]

occifer. heehee. that always gets me.

Jen, that''s hilarious! And so true for women around our age--There were 4 Jennifers on my freshman hall alone.....and one of those, one of my best friends, is a Jennifer Lynn!!

on to the NEW thread to see what''s up there!

 

[AmberGretchen]

Hey all - I realize I am chiming in at the end of this thread, but I just wanted to add a couple of comments.

After thinking about it, I will be changing my last name to his, because my last name is something that I have been teased about since I was little and I don''t want to inflict it on a child, nor do I want to conduct my professional career with that name (I sometimes wonder if it would even be fair to expect people to take me seriously). My FI''s name is reasonably unusual on the West Coast, and so I''m thinking that will help me stand out still, but not in a bad way like now. Also, FI is really attached to his family name (he is XXXXXX Y. ZZZZZZ III), and I think it will be important to him to pass that name on the the kids (although I''m half-hoping to talk him out of XXXXXX Y. ZZZZZZZ IV...).

Also, Nooners - I found your comments about your children looking like you interesting and I thought you might be interested to know that I look nothing like either of my parents or like anyone else in my family as far as we can figure. I have at least one other friend for whom this is true. I do, however, share a lot of personality traits and mannerisms with my parents. I guess I''m just trying to say that I think anyone who has children is taking the risk of their children not looking like them, so I think thats just something for everyone to keep in mind - genetics can be a very funny thing.

And for the record, I have always considered myself a feminist, for whatever thats worth

 

[CanadianGal]

I personally look forward to taking my bf''s last name. Although my madien name is a great reflection of my Irish heritage, and i love my last name , (even though it is extremely long), i believe it is important to show unity as a couple and a family , and I feel this is done by sharing a common last name.

Obviously, I would want my child(ren) to have our last name , but I totally agree with the concept of siblings having different last names.....My main reasoning is something that many of us have experienced, or atleast witnessed many times: How many times in school have you been copmpared to you brother/sister?? Personally , I was always on the good side of this, but i know it was very hard for my younger siblings to "live up to me" I know that happens to almost everyone, teachers/coaches remember last names , and once they figure out your so-and-so''s sibling, itscontinual comparsions, with very little opportunity to be your own person ...so kudos to those of you who are "breaking the ''rules'' "

 

[blueroses]

AmberGretchen--we are both (well I hope, I''m still LIW!) marrying a 3rd!! I long ago gave up on the idea of NOT having a XXXXXXX Y. ZZZZZZZ IV if we have a son. The trick is that he and his dad, have both been called by a different nickname that''s TOTALLY unrelated to their given first name all their lives, so our baby would be IV but still potentially be called by a totally different name. Kind of weird, but family stuff. He''s ALL into that. But it''s funny, he has a feeling we will have only girls, so it might be moot!! Who knows!

And good for you--either way! If I had a name that I felt that way about (e.g. I knew a girl in junior high whose last name was Boner) I would be jumping on my fi''s name!!! I mean, I don''t want my wedding announcement to be a Leno punchline!!

 

[Logan Sapphire]

I''m changing my name to First Name Middle Name Maiden Name His Name (I just haven''t gotten around to it yet). My husband''s not too fussed as long as the kids have his name, which is fine with me. It''s inevitable my last name will die out. Yes, it''s perhaps patriarchally traditional to change one''s last name but so is receiving an engagement ring, and I didn''t exactly complain at that. But I will admit it''s a weird feeling to me to have a different name than Scott- it''s like I want to constantly tell people, "hey, we''re together, we''re married!"

My parents have no one to look at and see their genes- my sister and I are adopted. I don''t think it''s really a big deal.

 

[Blue824]

I don''t know how to explain it, but I love my last name....I love the culture it identifies me with and the stories about my family that can come from it. Its Italian and the changes along the way document the movements of my family trying to fit into different countries. I don''t think I could ever change that. While I don''t mind my children (if that''s in my future) having his last name, I wouldn''t legally change my name. I will probably be called Mrs K but everything financial, legal & business related won''t change. My aunts all kept their last names, I''m not really sure why, and then my mom regrets changing hers....so I guess that just rubbed off on me. I know it doesn''t bother P too much, I think at first he was surprised, assuming girls always wanted to do that, but now he doesnt really care.

 

[windy1365]

I am going to change my last name to his... actually, all I have to do is drop the last four letters of my last name, and it will be his last name.

 

[LaurenThePartier]

I''ll be changing mine to my boyfriend''s last name - it''s simple and fairly common - and treating my maiden name as my middle.

Besides, I don''t have it in me to give up the Partier (pronounced like Cartier) yet.

 

[snow_happy]

NoonersMom--

I think your post brought up some good points. I''m in an interracial relationship so I don''t think my kids will look as similar as I did to my family growing up and in a way that makes me sad. Not that I won''t love them any less like you stated but it''s a weird realization.


ammayernyc--

Growing up in So. Cal there were a few kids with hyphenated last names and it was the school system that screwed them all up... for registration they didn''t know which name they had been filed under etc. Plus everyone talked about whether or not their parents were divorced, etc. Now it''s probably a different issue since it seems like more kids have hyphenated last names.


eh.. just some stray comments that popped into my head as I was reading the thread.

 

[blueroses]

Windy that''s a lucky coincidence re: your last names!

Lauren, that is so cool--I always assumed your screenname was as in "likes to party"!!

My last name was also changed during immigration to the US but not in a dramatic way as in some stories--but enough that when I lived in London everyone ALWAYS spelled it wrong b/c they spelled it the traditional Welsh way vs. the more common American way. But that''s such a part of your history, Blue--know what you mean on that!

 

[KBerly]

i will be changing my last name to his...so it will be my first name, my maiden name, and his last name. we already discussed naming our kid(s) with my maiden name and/or one of my mom or dad''s names. my mom dropped her middle name and went with her maiden name/dad''s last name, so i never knew anything different...i used to think you had to drop your middle name

 

[windy1365]

His last name also used to be my nickname.

My nickname in highschool was ''Windy Will'' and my highschool bestfriend''s nickname was ''Holly Wood''. Now my nickname is going to be my real name!! Most of the time, when I sign things, I just sign Will and make a scribble for the rest my last name anyway. Now I can just leave off the scribble part.