Are You Appreciated?

[dk168]

Agreed with hired helpers!!!

DK

 

[Ally T]

@Ally T This wouldn't be a solution in my eyes for two reasons. First of all, having a job, I assume, gives you some fulfillment that you wouldn't have otherwise. Secondly, without a job, you might feel that it is up to you to do it all at home. Quitting your job with the thought that you will use the extra time for yourself is a great goal, but I'm not certain that would happen. So it's not something that I would suggest.

I agree. I love my little job. It’s mine.

It gives me responsibility, sanity, company, friends & it gives me pocket money. I would definitely miss it & I would definitely feel the need to take on MORE around the house if I was at home all the time. And I’m not good with that. I spent 7 amazing years as a SAHM & when my youngest started school, two months in I felt bereft & low. Sometimes I could go ALL day without seeing another external soul. I’m not a depressive person & have always been happy & upbeat, but could feel myself slipping to an unfamiliar place.

And so I got my little job at the local school, which means I can take my girls & collect them each day, plus be with them each & every school holiday. Not that they need it now as they are old enough to be alone at home, but I love my time with them & one day they will fly the nest & I will be glad we could hang out. I never miss a play, a service, an assembly - my face is always in the audience & they make no secret of the fact they love & need to see me there.

 

[dk168]

@Ally T agree with keeping your job as it bring so much to your sense of well-being etc...

I do voluntary works to keep me out of mischief, and they give me a sense of satisfaction of being able to pay something back to the town where I live.

DK

 

[Jambalaya]

I sympathize, I really do. My ex was exactly the same, down to the petulance. He would do the dishes, but would he put them away, wipe the counter, put things on the counter away, wipe the floor? No way! Technically he'd done the dishes, but the kitchen was still a mess.

One thing that used to make me absolutely see red was the way HE would ask ME where the towels were kept. He literally didn't know. I also changed all the lightbulbs and he only remembered to put the garbage out half the time, even though he'd assigned this chore to himself. I did most of the cleaning and cooking. I worked full-time, we had family come to stay quite a lot, and I couldn't keep up, so in the end I became as slobby as him. So that was great.

Anyway, enough of my housework PTSD, lol! The thing about the curtains would drive me insane. For the house to be in darkness all day because of that...crazy. it's a large house and there are four of you...maybe divide the number of rooms that need doing by the number of family members, and each person is responsible for doing the curtains morning and evening in their assigned rooms? Many hands make light work!

I guess all you can do is make your feelings known and ask for help. Also, can you pay someone to help with the laundry? It's a lot when you have a family. Maybe just having the laundry, folding and ironing done would take a lot off your plate? And maybe get the person to change the beds too?

On a general note, study after study shows that, all over the world, the progress made in men doing more chores and housework is progressing at an absolute snail's pace. Tiny increment by tiny increment. It's so unfair and is a major reason I never want to live with anyone again. Why ARE men SO SO reluctant to do more around the house? It's better for them to have a happier, more well-rested, and less resentful wife! And many hands make light work! Can I just note that when women got the chance to enter the workforce, we did so in droves. But I don't see men displaying the same enthusiasm for their part of equality.

This issue makes me mad. There is NO excuse for men not to be doing their share in this day and age. If you're a SAHM, sure, they're not going to be doing 50%, but Ally, I agree that a bit more than what you describe here would be nice!

 

[Jambalaya]

I have a radical suggestion...you have a big house, right? What about...having a second dishwasher, washer, and dryer? I would, if I had a family and the space.

 

[Jambalaya]

And maybe consider having your cleaning person come in more frequently?

I agree with this. Five hours a week is not much for a family, a dog, and a house your size, especially given that you also work outside the home. Maybe she could come for the whole day, come twice, or you could have an additional person come for her five hours, so you get ten hours of person-power compressed into five.

 

[Jambalaya]

So another possibility, if it causes too many problems, is to downsize.

Noooooo! They can't do that - they've only just moved in, and I haven't even had a chance to read the whole house-reno thread and look at the photos yet! Plus, I'm looking forward to more photos in the future!

Everyone needs assigned rooms and to do the curtains morning and night in their particular rooms!

Edit: Also, down-sizing wouldn't make any difference to the amount of laundry, dishes, and cooking. So they might as well stay put in their gorgeous house!

 

[Jambalaya]

Oh, and if the blinds/curtains don't get opened all over the house, ignore it. You are probably not spending your time in all those rooms anyway. Just my two cents.

But they are probably walking in and out of rooms, and it's depressing to have curtains closed in downstairs rooms all day. It would definitely bother me. Maybe not all of them need to be closed at night. But if they are closed, if it takes Ally 20 mins to do them all but all four pitch in, we're talking 5 mins of everyone's time.

Also has the advantage that, if each person has their room(s) to do for the curtains, they might begin to feel ownership of their rooms and want to tidy/vacuum/care for them....

 

[Ally T]

But they are probably walking in and out of rooms, and it's depressing to have curtains closed in downstairs rooms all day. It would definitely bother me. Maybe not all of them need to be closed at night. But if they are closed, if it takes Ally 20 mins to do them all but all four pitch in, we're talking 5 mins of everyone's time.

Also has the advantage that, if each person has their room(s) to do for the curtains, they might begin to feel ownership of their rooms and want to tidy/vacuum/care for them....

I hear you. And I have stoped closing the blinds & curtains in the Media Room, Music Room & Dining Room, as they are on the back of the house & look out over the garden & fields behind so nobody an see. But ALL on the front & one end have to be closed & opened everyday, because I have this paranoia that the Church goers, Vicar & passing villagers will think we are slobs, even though we are set back from the road & hidden by a thousand rhodedendrons & huge Holly trees

Plus I like the light. The windows here are massive & the rooms are flooded with light come rain or shine. It was one of the most captivating things about the old girl, so I like to feel that light on my skin.

I don’t need another washer & dryer, I just need hands to help with the folding. My cleaner offered in the past to change all the beds & load the washer whilst she was here (it would take 2 loads, but the cycle is only 60 mins so she could get both loads done & dried within her 5 hours), but at the time I wouldn’t dream of it. However I may let her start taking that job on. I am quite active, proud & hands on, but this place is challenging & I need to start being kinder to myself.

 

[MillieLou]

@Ally T don't feel bad. A house of your size and scale was intended to Have Staff. The previous owners will have had housekeepers. You'll burn yourself out if you try to do it yourselves. The house will own you, rather than the other way around.

Make a list of everything that needs doing, and tick off the ones that could possibly be outsourced to more hours from a cleaner and gardener. Pay for these. It's a running cost of the house like the utility bills. This will just leave the daily maintenance jobs that can then be shared between the four of you.

 

[canuk-gal]

@Ally T don't feel bad. A house of your size and scale was intended to Have Staff. The previous owners will have had housekeepers. You'll burn yourself out if you try to do it yourselves. The house will own you, rather than the other way around.

Make a list of everything that needs doing, and tick off the ones that could possibly be outsourced to more hours from a cleaner and gardener. Pay for these. It's a running cost of the house like the utility bills. This will just leave the daily maintenance jobs that can then be shared between the four of you.

This!! Yes to more help! FWIW I have my sheets professionally laundered. I love crisp, ironed sheets and now I no longer have to hate washing bedding!!! Pick up and delivery service as well! And your housekeeper would only have to remake the beds--more time to do other stuff.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

im glad Ally that you would not give up your job,
right now my work is out of action due to a fire next door, insurence is paying wages and lost earnings but my life is lossing structure
i miss my workmates and the window that work is, into their lives

your house is beautiful and Christmas is going to be so wonderful for you this year in your new house
is the family not being very helpful a new thing or is it just more apparent now you have such a big house ?

 

[Calliecake]

@Ally T, You have received some wonderful advice in this thread. Most women have felt like you are feeling right now. I know I have and I don’t even have children. If you can hire someone to handle some of this please do so. You and your husband both have busy and stressful days. Please don’t quit your job. From your post your job seems to bring you joy in away that is all yours, if that makes sense.

Your last sentence about how the house is a lot of work and you need to be kinder to yourself says it all @Ally T. Hire some services to help out if it will make your life a little easier and lower your stress. Have a family meeting and ask your husband and girls to help with a few tasks. Use the time you would have spent doing those things on something you really enjoy doing.

I’ve read your posts thru the years and wanted to say you have created a beautiful life for yourself and your family. You have a wonderful family. Life just gets a little messy at times and all this is fixable. Be kinder to yourself. You have done a fantastic job at all the really important things in life.

 

[Ally T]

@Ally T, You have received some wonderful advice in this thread. If you can hire someone to handle some of this please do so. You and your husband both have busy and stressful days. Please don’t quit your job. From your post your job seems to bring you joy in away that is all yours, if that makes sense.

Your last sentence about how the house is a lot of work and you need to be kinder to yourself says it all @Ally T. Hire some services to help out if it will make your life a little easier and lower your stress. Have a family meeting and ask your husband and girls to help with a few tasks. Use the time you would have spent doing those things on something you really enjoy doing.

I’ve read your posts thru the years and wanted to say you have created a beautiful life for yourself and your family. You have a wonderful family. Life just gets a little messy at times and all this is fixable. Be kinder to yourself. You have done a fantastic job at all the really important things in life.

I you. Thank you.

Sometimes it just takes a little step back & a deep breath to find a solution.

 

[Ally T]

im glad Ally that you would not give up your job,
right now my work is out of action due to a fire next door, insurence is paying wages and lost earnings but my life is lossing structure
i miss my workmates and the window that work is, into their lives

your house is beautiful and Christmas is going to be so wonderful for you this year in your new house
is the family not being very helpful a new thing or is it just more apparent now you have such a big house ?

Thanks Daisys. So sorry to hear about your work situation. I hope everything gets fixed up quickly & you are back into your groove. Routine & colleagues are SO important.

 

[Lookinagain]

But they are probably walking in and out of rooms, and it's depressing to have curtains closed in downstairs rooms all day.

I only suggested this because she has a lot of rooms and I was assuming certain ones weren't used every day, so why bother with the opening and closing. If they are in and out of those rooms, then yes, you'd want the light in.

Maybe not all of them need to be closed at night.

If those rooms are at the back of the house no one can see in and it sounds like she has already decided just to keep those open so that lightens the burden a bit.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Okay I just thought of the perfect solution, we just need to house swap. Just think of how much simpler it would be to take care of a 1200 square foot house on one level! Actually one better, you move here with the kids and the husbands can go live in the vicarage, imagine the fun they would have taking care of it all by themselves

 

[Ally T]

Okay I just thought of the perfect solution, we just need to house swap. Just think of how much simpler it would be to take care of a 1200 square foot house on one level! Actually one better, you move here with the kids and the husbands can go live in the vicarage, imagine the fun they would have taking care of it all by themselves

YESSSSSSS!!!!!

Genius!!

 

[lulu_ma]

Just dropping in to say that I feel your pain @Ally T .

My DH is somewhat helpful, but I get frustrated-especially this time of the year. The holiday season is especially stressful for me because it's my job to "make it magical" for everyone else .

Btw, the only way I seem to get any appreciation is to complain loudly...

Hugs to you. I hope that you book yourself a treat like a spa day pronto-you deserve it!

 

[mrs-b]

I have the most wonderful husband in the entire world. But he leaves what is referred to in this house as the (his name) trail. I can always tell where he's been, because there's always a little reminder that he was there.

As for our (shared) office - he gets undressed there in the evening (WHY??) and leaves his clothes there. I normally ask him to put his things away about 4 times a week. Over 40 years, that equates to around 8000 times I've asked him to pick up after himself. We did the "family talk" thing, jobs division, the "women see things men don't see" conversation, went down the "you value function/convenience - I value aesthetics" rabbit warren, me just gritting my teeth and putting it away myself without complaining, me complaining vociferously, and on and on and on. Every single time, he promised he'd do better. Every Single. Time.

Never happened.

So in the end, one day, I bundled up all his things and put them in the outside trash can. In winter. In the snow. All of it. His sweater, his favorite coat, his Nikes - all of it. In with the food scraps and the dirt and the old tissues and the wet dog food. He was WILD. But you know what? I have zero time for adult male (or any age/gender) sulkiness, petulance, or general rage. 8000 times dude. EIGHT THOUSAND.

He does better now.

I figure 8000 times of asking was enough. Let's face it, that's just damn disrespectful. To abuse my labor, so lovingly given, and wreck what I spend so much time making functional and beautiful? Yeah - no.

He really is a wonderful man, tho, and he works very hard on so many things. But this is different. It's an active mindset that takes my work for granted and is almost rebellious. I'm not having it. Well, not after the first 8000 times, anyway.

The fact was (and how dumb was I to take 8000 times of asking to get this??) - he didn't care. I *thought* he did - hell! - even HE thought he did! But the truth was - he didn't.

So I gave him something to care about. Some "skin in the game", so to speak. Interestingly enough, his input/contribution has grown in other areas since then as well, and I appreciate it a great deal.

He really is the most wonderful husband.

 

[Matata]

Thank you @mrs-b for sharing that. I wrote something similar yesterday and didn't post it when my eye fell upon a former family member of yours a-twinkle upon my finger and I decided that 8000+1 time would be my limit

 

[Ally T]

I have the most wonderful husband in the entire world. But he leaves what is referred to in this house as the (his name) trail. I can always tell where he's been, because there's always a little reminder that he was there.

As for our (shared) office - he gets undressed there in the evening (WHY??) and leaves his clothes there. I normally ask him to put his things away about 4 times a week. Over 40 years, that equates to around 8000 times I've asked him to pick up after himself. We did the "family talk" thing, jobs division, the "women see things men don't see" conversation, went down the "you value function/convenience - I value aesthetics" rabbit warren, me just gritting my teeth and putting it away myself without complaining, me complaining vociferously, and on and on and on. Every single time, he promised he'd do better. Every Single. Time.

Never happened.

So in the end, one day, I bundled up all his things and put them in the outside trash can. In winter. In the snow. All of it. His sweater, his favorite coat, his Nikes - all of it. In with the food scraps and the dirt and the old tissues and the wet dog food. He was WILD. But you know what? I have zero time for adult male (or any age/gender) sulkiness, petulance, or general rage. 8000 times dude. EIGHT THOUSAND.

He does better now.

I figure 8000 times of asking was enough. Let's face it, that's just damn disrespectful. To abuse my labor, so lovingly given, and wreck what I spend so much time making functional and beautiful? Yeah - no.

He really is a wonderful man, tho, and he works very hard on so many things. But this is different. It's an active mindset that takes my work for granted and is almost rebellious. I'm not having it. Well, not after the first 8000 times, anyway.

The fact was (and how dumb was I to take 8000 times of asking to get this??) - he didn't care. I *thought* he did - hell! - even HE thought he did! But the truth was - he didn't.

So I gave him something to care about. Some "skin in the game", so to speak. Interestingly enough, his input/contribution has grown in other areas since then as well, and I appreciate it a great deal.

He really is the most wonderful husband.

I have belly laughed all the way through this!

Thank you, my most beautiful friend. I needed to hear this. And maybe, just maybe, the PS5 controllers will find their way onto the floor. And what goes onto the floor, as we all know, is fair game to a teething puppy……..

 

[mrs-b]

I have belly laughed all the way through this!

Thank you, my most beautiful friend. I needed to hear this. And maybe, just maybe, the PS5 controllers will find their way onto the floor. And what goes onto the floor, as we all know, is fair game to a teething puppy……..

Leather shoes, honey. Definitely leather shoes. Or wallets. Leather tastes like us because it absorbs our sweat and oil and general odor, so puppies are inherently drawn to it. I learnt my own lesson when I left a leather wallet with $2000 of vacation money on a table accessible to my English setter. In that instance, what was good for the goose....

Merry Christmas, my friend! And don't let anybody take you for granted - you're too precious! ox

ETA I just realized I have now wished you a Merry Christmas twice. Well, I've done worse things and you deserve the double warm wishes!

 

[Lookinagain]

@mrs-b I think you hit the nail on the head when you said this:

So I gave him something to care about. Some "skin in the game", so to speak.

Seems like sometimes consequences are needed to get a point across!

 

[Ally T]

@mrs-b I think you hit the nail on the head when you said this:



Seems like sometimes consequences are needed to get a point across!

The PS5 controllers will be Mr T’s skin. They are his livelihood & his precious babies….

 

[Lookinagain]

They are his livelihood & his precious babies….

Well, then I might pick the wallet to give to the dog.....

 

[SparklieBug]

This is definitely the lot of women 'round the world...men that have no clue, whether willfully or otherwise. Doesn't seem to matter their age or cultural background or anything else. I shall stop now.

My DH has shared this with friends, and laughed uproariously. Me? Every time I see it, I find zero humour in it. Zero. I generally enjoy a good laugh...Not for this. "Magic Coffee Table" on YouTube.

There's another old video about "the man cold". This one also rather enrages me. It's meant to be funny, but the truth of it just stings.

 

[canuk-gal]

This is definitely the lot of women 'round the world...men that have no clue, whether willfully or otherwise. Doesn't seem to matter their age or cultural background or anything else. I shall stop now.

My DH has shared this with friends, and laughed uproariously. Me? Every time I see it, I find zero humour in it. Zero. I generally enjoy a good laugh...Not for this. "Magic Coffee Table" on YouTube.

There's another old video about "the man cold". This one also rather enrages me. It's meant to be funny, but the truth of it just stings.

Stings for sure.

 

[Lookinagain]

This is definitely the lot of women 'round the world...men that have no clue, whether willfully or otherwise. Doesn't seem to matter their age or cultural background or anything else. I shall stop now.

My DH has shared this with friends, and laughed uproariously. Me? Every time I see it, I find zero humour in it. Zero. I generally enjoy a good laugh...Not for this. "Magic Coffee Table" on YouTube.

There's another old video about "the man cold". This one also rather enrages me. It's meant to be funny, but the truth of it just stings.

I get it. And agree that giving men excuses so that women can carry the load, is not okay. But who is going to make it stop if women won't?

 

[SparklieBug]

I get it. And agree that giving men excuses so that women can carry the load, is not okay. But who is going to make it stop if women won't?

I have hope that the younger generation(s) of women may teach the young males a newer way? But then, if they learn by the example of the men in their lives...