Are you annoyed easily?

[Mara]

haha seriously TG...i think i am more zen in general, because i do assume everyone is just going to pull some dumbass move. so when they do, i am like heh okay. but like anyone i have my total pet peeves or things that just do set me off. mostly though i get over it REALLY quickly. i am way too lazy to stay upset or angry or anything for more than a minute or so...haha. anger takes work!

the funny thing is that greg's mom feels the same way i do about people in general, and so whenever i complain about people who are being ridiculous...he totally laughs because he heard the same exact line from his mom growing up and now he married someone who feels the same way.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/30/2007 1:36:42 PM
Author: Mara
haha seriously TG...i think i am more zen in general, because i do assume everyone is just going to pull some dumbass move. so when they do, i am like heh okay. but like anyone i have my total pet peeves or things that just do set me off. mostly though i get over it REALLY quickly. i am way too lazy to stay upset or angry or anything for more than a minute or so...haha. anger takes work!

No kidding. I use to have a license plate frame in college that read "Expect nothing, and you won''t be disappointed." I''m actually less cynical now, as I think it''s good to expect things in life.

But maybe it''s a chemical thing. TGuy just holds onto things longer than I do. It''s the way he''s wired and I''ve learned not to make things worse when he''s in a funk.

 

[Mara]

Date: 4/30/2007 1:42:38 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 4/30/2007 1:36:42 PM
Author: Mara
haha seriously TG...i think i am more zen in general, because i do assume everyone is just going to pull some dumbass move. so when they do, i am like heh okay. but like anyone i have my total pet peeves or things that just do set me off. mostly though i get over it REALLY quickly. i am way too lazy to stay upset or angry or anything for more than a minute or so...haha. anger takes work!

No kidding. I use to have a license plate frame in college that read ''Expect nothing, and you won''t be disappointed.'' I''m actually less cynical now, as I think it''s good to expect things in life.

But maybe it''s a chemical thing. TGuy just holds onto things longer than I do. It''s the way he''s wired and I''ve learned not to make things worse when he''s in a funk.

haha and Greg is a ''stewer'' too. whereas i just explode and then it''s done and I''m like ''over it...ready to go?'' hehee. oh it''d be funny to get us 4 together!!

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 4/30/2007 2:00:30 AM
Author: Kaleigh
Keeping this all bottled up is no good for you or your health. Find your voice. Use it. I am not a confrontational person either, but as I have gotten older I speak up. It has worked wonders for me. And I pick my battles. Like I don''t blow a gasket over any little thing, but if someone is clearly in the wrong, well I speak my mind. So far so good. And it''s all in the delivery too. Good luck, I think we all can relate to this in some way or other.

This is SO true. Whenever I get ticked off and have to confront I chant in my head, "It''s easier to catch flies with honey than vinegar!" over and over again... and even if its REALLY painful... I am NICE. At least the first two times. Third time? All bets are off. But honestly, if you ARE nice the first time-- you usually get the results you want.

If I''m ticked off at work for example I do the chicken thing in my car-- get a diet coke, take a quick walk outside and cool off before confronting whoever the idiot it that''s ticked me off. Then I start the chanting.

And I have to admit. Like Mara... I generally think most people are just morons so I keep my expectations low.

 

[diamondfan]

Accidentally stupid or clueless is one thing, I am sure we have all been there done that. I just get piqued at people who are imbecilic and seem to be that all of the time...coarse, rude, offensive etc, and have no awareness of how they come off in the world to others. I also try not to fly off the handle but it is tough when my patience is low for whatever reason...no sleep, etc. It always seems when you are in a hurry people are maddeningly inconsiderately in your way...I too try the nice approach, like would you mind pulling up a bit so I can get by, when someone is blocking the lane with their car and obliviously chit chatting away like there is all the time in the world and no one else needs to pass...or I have gone in stores that are empty and THREE or more salespeople are all chatting amongst themselves and seem ultra annoyed to have to actually work and help you, the customer...and telegraph attitude that you have the nerve to interupt them! That really bugs me. I agree, Gypsy, I tend just not to expect too much from people and therefore am less likely to be disappointed! Sad but true...

 

[zdrastvootya]

Have to agree with Curio and others. You have to speak up. (And not lapse into the passive-aggressive thing of not speaking and then completely losing it.) When you speak up, be polite and pleasant as possible, but be firm on the issue. (My wife says, that''s easy for you to say, or that''s easy for you. But it isn''t easy. It''s a social skill that you need to work on.) People are often unaware that they are in the way when they''re caught up in their own thing. They don''t do it on purpose. Why would they? Do they get paid to annoy you?

If things don''t go well after you speak up, then you can escalate to being less polite/pleasant and more firm, or terminating the conversation but at least you did your due diligence in trying to get the issue resolved. Then you have more of a justification for being annoyed (vs. getting mad because they don''t see your brakelights or hear you opening and closing your door a bunch of times.)

There''s always a chance people might freak out, but they shouldn''t if you''re polite and pleasant. The party involved seemed to be a family (and not bikers). The not wanting to speak to them because they might be psycho sounds like a bit of a cop out.

My 2 cents.

Z.

 

[luckystar112]

I don''t think it was a cop out.

My perception of them was that they would have argued with me and it probably would have escalated into something that I didn''t want it to. I''m not looking to offend anyone here, but trust me when I say they didn''t look like upstanding citizens.

 

[curiopotter]

Date: 4/30/2007 10:36:02 AM
Author: luckystar112
When I told my boyfriend that you girls recommended yoga he said he'd pay for it.

Curio- I don't think I'm on the level you are describing yet. Basically I just get overly annoyed. I need to learn to pick my battles. But you could have shown me how much worse it can get if I don't try to fix it now!

Poptart: That is definitely what it is. I think working in a restaurant has changed my perception of people forever. It really does a number on your tolerance. I think its the whole 'pretending' to not be annoyed when you're working, that you feel you shouldn't have to be that way when you get out of work. I don't know.


Sparkles, my boyfriend is extremely laid back too...which is another reason I get so worked up. I think all of the stories I've posted on this thread have been annoying, and situations where I probably could have gotten away with venting my frustration. I mean, am I wrong? Should I not be annoyed by any of these people? Because when I try to vent to my boyfriend he always has to get all practical and tolerant on me. (lol) He's so laid back, that its like I have to verbally prove to him that what just happened was annoying...and that makes me more mad. lol.

This isn't you?
1. You are frequently frustrated.
2. You get easily annoyed and angry.
3. You lack mature coping mechanisms to anger.
4. You use overly exaggerated and dramatic langauge when you're frustrated with people or events.
5. You don't express your anger assertively, instead passive-aggresively and cynically. (e.g. Slamming the CD down on the desk and saying "THANKS.")


I wasn't trying to describe a different level of anger, I tailored my knowledge of anger to your behaviors and frustrations. Yes, there are different levels of anger, but all of them stem from an inflated sence of self-importance. Their reaction to frustration results in immature coping mechanisms like yelling, throwing tantrums, sulking, or introversion. Anger can be aggressive, supressed or unexpressed. You tend to have unexpressed anger, which results in passive-aggression and cynicism. A suggestion is to become assertive, not aggressive. You don't have to necessarily "pick your battles" and supress your feelings when you feel wronged, because you can turn that redirected anger on yourself. You just have to be assertive, and tell people what you need from them.

 

[luckystar112]

Yikes. You are borderline insulting now.

Since my original post I have acknowledged that I do not deal with annoyances in a way that I feel is healthy for me, and I asked for help to be able to pick my battles or to have things roll off my shoulders easier. So, I am fully aware of my shortcomings and I don't necessarily need them pointed out. I don't know if you think that I am screaming in my car like a lunatic or pulling a "brooke" from the real world or what... I understand that you are just trying to help.

Other posters have agreed that it seems like most people are self absorbed and clueless to reality but they are able to get over it within a couple minutes. I, on the other hand, vent to my boyfriend about it and then get over it, but if I think about it later on I can work myself up to be just as annoyed as I was the first time. I realize I need help with this, but I don't think it means that there is something seriously wrong with me--I think it means I need an outlet.

Also, maybe I felt like (since my boyfriend is so laid back) that the things I was complaining about weren't worth getting annoyed over. People in this thread confirmed that they would be annoyed as well. As for slamming the CD on the lady's desk, it was more like I set it down hard. But she messed up twice, I didn't get a sorry either time, and I had made THREE trips because of her mistakes. So yeah...the fake smile was all me and I would do it again. I think it got my point across better than walking in their screaming.

Anyway...a new outlet is what I need. And it will probably be yoga, thanks to you girls.

ETA: I don't think 3 or 4 describe me at all. I don't think I deal with anger in an immature fashion...just a different fashion. And number 4 just makes me sound nuts.

 

[firebirdgold]

I tend to be easily annoyed as well but I have three main coping mechanisms:

1) I repeat (occasionally rather often) "It's not the end of the world". This really helps sometimes. I try to avoid saying it could be worse because it usually promptly gets worse!

2) If you're polite and nice life tends to be easier and people are nice to you. For instance I would have gotten out and said (with a friendly smile) "Excuse me, but would you mind moving just a little? Thank you." I've almost never had that not work.

ETA: if you expect people to be friendly to you and obliging, then they usually are. I learned this from my dog. He expects us to give him a cookie and a kiss with this happy look on his face and we can't stand to disappoint him so he gets it. If he was demanding he wouldn't have gotten the cookie. He's sorta bolster shaped now.

3) Politely explain what is upsetting you while giving them a way out. If no apology or compensation results, say you're very disappointed and ask for their manager. Mention it's making you reconsider continuing to use their business. (however never accuse someone in such a way that they feel attacked or backed into a corner... always give them a way out.)
Oh and there's a last resort too... Once you get to a manager you can start having hysterics or start crying and ask for their help while apologizing for being so upset.

As a result I'm now the spouse who takes the broken car to get repaired or calls customer service.

Of course this doesn't work when driving so I just curse at them or flip 'em off or both.

But Karma is important... I may flip people off, but I also will let people go first and things like that. After all being a minute or two late isn't the end of the world.

 

[Sparkles22]

Date: 4/30/2007 10:36:02 AM
Author: luckystar112
When I told my boyfriend that you girls recommended yoga he said he''d pay for it.

Curio- I don''t think I''m on the level you are describing yet. Basically I just get overly annoyed. I need to learn to pick my battles. But you could have shown me how much worse it can get if I don''t try to fix it now!

Poptart: That is definitely what it is. I think working in a restaurant has changed my perception of people forever. It really does a number on your tolerance. I think its the whole ''pretending'' to not be annoyed when you''re working, that you feel you shouldn''t have to be that way when you get out of work. I don''t know.


Sparkles, my boyfriend is extremely laid back too...which is another reason I get so worked up. I think all of the stories I''ve posted on this thread have been annoying, and situations where I probably could have gotten away with venting my frustration. I mean, am I wrong? Should I not be annoyed by any of these people? Because when I try to vent to my boyfriend he always has to get all practical and tolerant on me. (lol) He''s so laid back, that its like I have to verbally prove to him that what just happened was annoying...and that makes me more mad. lol.

LOL I agree sometimes that just makes things worse. Cause now you have to explain WHY you are annoyed. Whereas if someone was like yeah what a jerk. That would be better, cause then you feel like you vented and someone else understands. But it work for us cause its nice that he is so stress free, since I tend to be "type A" high stress. And I think there have been some generalizations on here that were made that don''t apply to me, so I don''t think that they are true for everyone. Like how it''s poor coping or that you can''t act responsibly

. I found working a number of various jobs in dealing with people that there is a generalized lack of respect (ie: parking their car to change their baby in the middle of the lot), I tend to think most people are rude, and don''t expect a lot from them. Having done the management thing, I have yet to use the pharses like I always have to do something myself or whatever. However I think it''s wrong to be a doormat as well just to make everyone else around you happy while making yourself miserable, I also think it''s perfectly fine to vent. Hey you resisted taking a baseball bat to the car right LOL

. I think people handle things differently depending on personality. I don''t think anyone should be a doormat though. I am sure others have different viewpoints or whatever, and that''s fine. Mine works for me.

And to be honest I haven''t read through this whole thread. I just skimmed it and am replying to what I did get to read.

 

[Sparkles22]

Date: 4/30/2007 3:52:52 PM
Author: curiopotter

Date: 4/30/2007 10:36:02 AM
Author: luckystar112
When I told my boyfriend that you girls recommended yoga he said he''d pay for it.

Curio- I don''t think I''m on the level you are describing yet. Basically I just get overly annoyed. I need to learn to pick my battles. But you could have shown me how much worse it can get if I don''t try to fix it now!

Poptart: That is definitely what it is. I think working in a restaurant has changed my perception of people forever. It really does a number on your tolerance. I think its the whole ''pretending'' to not be annoyed when you''re working, that you feel you shouldn''t have to be that way when you get out of work. I don''t know.


Sparkles, my boyfriend is extremely laid back too...which is another reason I get so worked up. I think all of the stories I''ve posted on this thread have been annoying, and situations where I probably could have gotten away with venting my frustration. I mean, am I wrong? Should I not be annoyed by any of these people? Because when I try to vent to my boyfriend he always has to get all practical and tolerant on me. (lol) He''s so laid back, that its like I have to verbally prove to him that what just happened was annoying...and that makes me more mad. lol.

This isn''t you?
1. You are frequently frustrated.
2. You get easily annoyed and angry.
3. You lack mature coping mechanisms to anger.
4. You use overly exaggerated and dramatic langauge when you''re frustrated with people or events.
5. You don''t express your anger assertively, instead passive-aggresively and cynically. (e.g. Slamming the CD down on the desk and saying ''THANKS.'')


I wasn''t trying to describe a different level of anger, I tailored my knowledge of anger to your behaviors and frustrations. Yes, there are different levels of anger, but all of them stem from an inflated sence of self-importance. Their reaction to frustration results in immature coping mechanisms like yelling, throwing tantrums, sulking, or introversion. Anger can be aggressive, supressed or unexpressed. You tend to have unexpressed anger, which results in passive-aggression and cynicism. A suggestion is to become assertive, not aggressive. You don''t have to necessarily ''pick your battles'' and supress your feelings when you feel wronged, because you can turn that redirected anger on yourself. You just have to be assertive, and tell people what you need from them.

Oh my gosh LOL! Okay Okay seriously was this taken out of a self-help book LOL! Oh I''m sorry I didn''t know that there was the "right way to be angry" LOL. I think whether you put the CD and say thanks or say what I need from you is to fix it, it coveys the same message. Its a matter of respect, not inflated self-importance, personaly if I had to have them fix it 5 times I wouldn''t respect them I would see them as an incompetent moron. I don''t think all people deserve respect I am of the opinion to treat neutrally until they have proven they deserve it. Perhaps if they were overly polite about their mistake, or whatever.

Sorry if this comes off as insulting, I just don''t buy into this theory. And to be honest I think the generalizations made can be offending to those looking for help. Like I said it sounds like something out of self-help book, it''s great you can sell it to a lot of people, I just don''t buy it. Nothing against you personally I am sure that you are just trying to help.

 

[curiopotter]

I''m really not trying to be insulting. And your frustration issues aren''t out of control, or even remotely severe, something I thought I mentioned but apparently didn''t. They''re actually quite managable and easy to deal with. What I said was meant for you to realize that it all stems from the same thing, and because your problems aren''t as severe, and that just being more assertive can help you control what you outwardly express when people bug you.

#3 Immature coping mechanisms are basically things like letting your frustration out on/to your boyfriend, yelling in the car at other people when they annoy you on the road, getting upset when people don''t notice that you''re inconvienced and then not saying anything to them, being passive aggressive or cynical. These are all described as ''textbook'' reactions for people who have trouble controlling their frustration. It doesn''t mean you''re immature, it''s just the clincal term for what these actions are.

#4 doesn''t make you sound crazy. People who get easily frustrated tend to dramatize situations by saying things like, "She NEVER does what I want" or "I''m ALWAYS doing everything around here" or "That''s SO unbelievably annoying of her". Saying things in that way really heightens the anger emotion. This is something you can change quite easily to cognitively restructure your brain. When you change the way you react, you re-train your brain into making better decisions, like meditating, breathing, or taking a walk to subside your emotion.

Your problems aren''t severe at all, and I understand that what I''ve said may have made you think that''s what I was implying. I was actually trying to imply the opposite by telling you to expect less from people and be more assertive. I think anyone would be annoyed by the stories you told, I know I would be if I had to go to the same place 3 times to get something done, but instead of being passive-aggressive, using a better coping mechanism (like breathing, meditation, or silly humor like picturing that lady as the ameoba you think she is) is better for your health.

Maybe I''m being too clincal, and it''s getting lost in translation.

 

[curiopotter]

Date: 4/30/2007 5:39:46 PM
Author: Sparkles22

Date: 4/30/2007 3:52:52 PM
Author: curiopotter

Date: 4/30/2007 10:36:02 AM
Author: luckystar112
When I told my boyfriend that you girls recommended yoga he said he''d pay for it.

Curio- I don''t think I''m on the level you are describing yet. Basically I just get overly annoyed. I need to learn to pick my battles. But you could have shown me how much worse it can get if I don''t try to fix it now!

Poptart: That is definitely what it is. I think working in a restaurant has changed my perception of people forever. It really does a number on your tolerance. I think its the whole ''pretending'' to not be annoyed when you''re working, that you feel you shouldn''t have to be that way when you get out of work. I don''t know.


Sparkles, my boyfriend is extremely laid back too...which is another reason I get so worked up. I think all of the stories I''ve posted on this thread have been annoying, and situations where I probably could have gotten away with venting my frustration. I mean, am I wrong? Should I not be annoyed by any of these people? Because when I try to vent to my boyfriend he always has to get all practical and tolerant on me. (lol) He''s so laid back, that its like I have to verbally prove to him that what just happened was annoying...and that makes me more mad. lol.

This isn''t you?
1. You are frequently frustrated.
2. You get easily annoyed and angry.
3. You lack mature coping mechanisms to anger.
4. You use overly exaggerated and dramatic langauge when you''re frustrated with people or events.
5. You don''t express your anger assertively, instead passive-aggresively and cynically. (e.g. Slamming the CD down on the desk and saying ''THANKS.'')


I wasn''t trying to describe a different level of anger, I tailored my knowledge of anger to your behaviors and frustrations. Yes, there are different levels of anger, but all of them stem from an inflated sence of self-importance. Their reaction to frustration results in immature coping mechanisms like yelling, throwing tantrums, sulking, or introversion. Anger can be aggressive, supressed or unexpressed. You tend to have unexpressed anger, which results in passive-aggression and cynicism. A suggestion is to become assertive, not aggressive. You don''t have to necessarily ''pick your battles'' and supress your feelings when you feel wronged, because you can turn that redirected anger on yourself. You just have to be assertive, and tell people what you need from them.

Oh my gosh LOL! Okay Okay seriously was this taken out of a self-help book LOL! Oh I''m sorry I didn''t know that there was the ''right way to be angry'' LOL. I think whether you put the CD and say thanks or say what I need from you is to fix it, it coveys the same message. Its a matter of respect, not inflated self-importance, personaly if I had to have them fix it 5 times I wouldn''t respect them I would see them as an incompetent moron. I don''t think all people deserve respect I am of the opinion to treat neutrally until they have proven they deserve it. Perhaps if they were overly polite about their mistake, or whatever.

Sorry if this comes off as insulting, I just don''t buy into this theory. And to be honest I think the generalizations made can be offending to those looking for help. Like I said it sounds like something out of self-help book, it''s great you can sell it to a lot of people, I just don''t buy it. Nothing against you personally I am sure that you are just trying to help.

Telling peole what you need from them, like "Could you please pull forward a bit, we''re trying to get out?" This doesn''t mean going into a serious and dramatized expression of feelings and emotions. Just a "Hey could you do this?" kind of reaction, instead of not saying anything, and then venting on and on later about it.


Also, the information I''m giving isn''t coming from self-help books, it''s coming from The American Psycholocial Association, and the American Journal of Psychology. There isn''t a right or wrong way to get angry. People get angry all of the time, it''s how you DEAL with your anger inwardly and outwardly that''s important. She said in her first post that this problem is affecting her life, and that she fears she''s harming herself. I''ve listed examples for her to understand what I mean, so I don''t think what I''m saying is unreasonable, but to each their own.

 

[strmrdr]

I expect to be annoyed by 99.99999% of the people I meet therefor don't get annoyed :}
lol everyone thinks in the most laid back person in person but the truth is i'm just too lazy to care much.
I don't mind cuz they don't matter and aren't worth the energy getting annoyed with them.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 4/30/2007 6:09:29 PM
Author: strmrdr
I expect to be annoyed by 99.99999% of the people I meet therefor don''t get annoyed :}
lol everyone thinks in the most laid back person in person but the truth is i''m just too lazy to care much.
I don''t mind cuz they don''t matter and aren''t worth the energy getting annoyed with them.

I like that! I sometimes feel the same way. heeheehe.

 

[Sparkles22]

Date: 4/30/2007 6:05:11 PM
Author: curiopotter


Telling peole what you need from them, like 'Could you please pull forward a bit, we're trying to get out?' This doesn't mean going into a serious and dramatized expression of feelings and emotions. Just a 'Hey could you do this?' kind of reaction, instead of not saying anything, and then venting on and on later about it.


Also, the information I'm giving isn't coming from self-help books, it's coming from The American Psycholocial Association, and the American Journal of Psychology. There isn't a right or wrong way to get angry. People get angry all of the time, it's how you DEAL with your anger inwardly and outwardly that's important. She said in her first post that this problem is affecting her life, and that she fears she's harming herself. I've listed examples for her to understand what I mean, so I don't think what I'm saying is unreasonable, but to each their own.

You're right that probably isn't healthy. But to complain to the person your with or someone that you share your day with? I think it's a good way to vent, and I would share that part of my day with my hubby, even if I had to get out and ask the person to move and the situation ended there. Once I told someone it would be out of my system. Like how you write things down so you don't stress about forgeting them all day.

I just think everyone needs to find what works for them, yoga, expressing your anger differently, whatever it may be.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/30/2007 6:15:39 PM
Author: Sparkles22

Date: 4/30/2007 6:05:11 PM
Author: curiopotter
People get angry all of the time, it's how you DEAL with your anger inwardly and outwardly that's important.

You're right that probably isn't healthy. But to complain to the person your with or someone that you share your day with? I think it's a good way to vent, and I would share that part of my day with my hubby, even if I had to get out and ask the person to move and the situation ended there. Once I told someone it would be out of my system.

Out of YOUR system maybe, but into THEIRS.

Someone told me once that anger is contagious. If you "vent" at people, even without meaning harm -- or just to "get it out of your system" ... it actually TRANSFERS the anger to them, even subconciously.

I dunno if I believe that ENTIRELY ... but I do know that people are sponges & though it might seem *easy* to vent to your spouse all the time ... it could get tiring over time & even harm THEIR health, not to mention, put stress on your relationship. Especially if that's a PRIMARY coping technique.

Adopting a new attitude *yourself* is so so so so so much more helpful in the long run. At least in my humble opinion.

Ever have a friend where all your conversations are them venting about whatever. One-sided. Dumping on you. It's no fun. Right? It wears you down, right? You don't jump at the chance to see them, right? Imagine if your spouse felt the same way. Maybe even WORSE, 'cause men tend to want to fix things & there's nothing to be "fixed" about after-the-fact-venting.

 

[curiopotter]

Date: 4/30/2007 6:15:39 PM
Author: Sparkles22

You're right that probably isn't healthy. But to complain to the person your with or someone that you share your day with? I think it's a good way to vent, and I would share that part of my day with my hubby, even if I had to get out and ask the person to move and the situation ended there. Once I told someone it would be out of my system. Like how you write things down so you don't stress about forgeting them all day.

I just think everyone needs to find what works for them, yoga, expressing your anger differently, whatever it may be.

You're also right.

However, I'm not the kind of person who would just tell her "Do some yoga, it will help". Because I assume that because she hasn't solved her frustration issue, she may not know why these things happen to her, and why she feels that way. She asked us "why am I like this?" so I looked it up from a reputable source and explained it to her.

Also, I never said she shouldn't vent to her boyfriend, I said there were better ways to deal with anger than not doing anything (e.g. speaking up) about the inital problem, and being upset about it later. Like Deco said, if that's her ongoing mechanism to subside her anger, then it puts a strain on her relationship because who wants to be around negative energy like that all the time?

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/30/2007 6:24:17 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 4/30/2007 6:15:39 PM
Author: Sparkles22

Date: 4/30/2007 6:05:11 PM
Author: curiopotter
People get angry all of the time, it''s how you DEAL with your anger inwardly and outwardly that''s important.

You''re right that probably isn''t healthy. But to complain to the person your with or someone that you share your day with? I think it''s a good way to vent, and I would share that part of my day with my hubby, even if I had to get out and ask the person to move and the situation ended there. Once I told someone it would be out of my system.

Out of YOUR system maybe, but into THEIRS.

Someone told me once that anger is contagious. If you ''vent'' at people, even without meaning harm -- or just to ''get it out of your system'' ... it actually TRANSFERS the anger to them, even subconciously.

I dunno if I believe that ENTIRELY ... but I do know that people are sponges & though it might seem *easy* to vent to your spouse all the time ... it could get tiring over time & even harm THEIR health, not to mention, put stress on your relationship. Especially if that''s a PRIMARY coping technique.

Adopting a new attitude *yourself* is so so so so so much more helpful in the long run. At least in my humble opinion.

Ever have a friend where all your conversations are them venting about whatever. One-sided. Dumping on you. It''s no fun. Right? It wears you down, right? You don''t jump at the chance to see them, right? Imagine if your spouse felt the same way. Maybe even WORSE, ''cause men tend to want to fix things & there''s nothing to be ''fixed'' about after-the-fact-venting.

As the frequent target of a venter (my DH), I really can''t agree more.

First, let me say that I love my hubby and I certainly want to be there for him when he needs an ear. He just likes to come home and talk about his day...and it''s not unusual for him to have a stressful one where he needs to vent. He shares, has a beer and seems to move on fine. I support him because he used to hold it all inside and that was very unhealthy. While I would like him to be the type where it''s water off a duck''s back, he''s just wired differently. The fact that he comes home and chats about it is an improvement.

But I would love for him to really sit back and find ways to deal with it internally in a more positive manner. While I am so glad that I can be an ear to his stories at the end of the day, sometimes it DOES feel toxic. Me, being a happy go lucky person just thinks "COME ON! Sheesh!" While I don''t think it transfers the anger to me per se, there are times I do certainly feel agitated...not at the morons in his stories, but because I wonder why he takes things to heart and hurts his own health. I see improvement and he certainly strives to be positive. At the end of the vent, I try to give him an understated pep talk and these days he usually comes to the conclusion on his own that he shouldn''t let it get to him.

It is NOT fun to get dumped on all the time. After awhile it sounds like that "waaah waaaah waaaah" muffle from Charlie Brown. For the sake of self-preservation, sometimes I have to tune it out.

 

[Sparkles22]

So then I guess it comes down to how often you are annoyed and what events you feel the need to vent about. Personally if something is bothering DH (I assume this stands for dear hubby or something?) then I would like to feel he can tell me. No, I don''t want to hear about it all night and its not like we sit around and complain about it. Its just part of the day like all the other positive things. I think a lot of relationships are lacking healthy communication. I think it''s good to share the good and the bad in your day.

If being annoyed all the time is life consuming then help should be seeked. But having something annoying happen to you once in a while and sharing it with someone as part of your day... I still don''t see how that is so bad. Besides I would never make DH feel as though I don''t want to be a part of what is going on, if he had something to vent about and it isn''t something that happens on a daily basis. And as far a primary coping technique, again... depends... if it happens all the time, once a week, once a month. Also think it depends on the personalities of the parties involved.

I think its better to confide in someone than internalize, not that anyone is suggesting that.

I think happy-go lucky people have a hard time understanding things that annoy/frustrate other people. Only because they have a different view on things. And while this view is good, they also have to understand it isn''t something you can do overnight.

TravelingGal sounds like DH is improving, maybe you are rubbing off on him. Perhaps you should find a way to have humor in it, so DH doesn''t see it as a big deal, and eventually can find humor in the things that annoy him as well.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/30/2007 6:58:39 PM
Author: Sparkles22


I think happy-go lucky people have a hard time understanding things that annoy/frustrate other people. Only because they have a different view on things. And while this view is good, they also have to understand it isn''t something you can do overnight.

TravelingGal sounds like DH is improving, maybe you are rubbing off on him. Perhaps you should find a way to have humor in it, so DH doesn''t see it as a big deal, and eventually can find humor in the things that annoy him as well.

I do agree with the statement above. It''s like if someone asked me to be mad and irritated all the time, I don''t think I could do it.

As for TGuy...I find humor in everything. Sometimes it works. Othertimes having a sense of humor when someone has had a crap day is just the worst thing you can do!

 

[Sparkles22]

Date: 4/30/2007 7:06:03 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 4/30/2007 6:58:39 PM
Author: Sparkles22


I think happy-go lucky people have a hard time understanding things that annoy/frustrate other people. Only because they have a different view on things. And while this view is good, they also have to understand it isn't something you can do overnight.

TravelingGal sounds like DH is improving, maybe you are rubbing off on him. Perhaps you should find a way to have humor in it, so DH doesn't see it as a big deal, and eventually can find humor in the things that annoy him as well.

I do agree with the statement above. It's like if someone asked me to be mad and irritated all the time, I don't think I could do it.

As for TGuy...I find humor in everything. Sometimes it works. Othertimes having a sense of humor when someone has had a crap day is just the worst thing you can do!

Yeah LOL cause they are annoyed LOL!

See I don't think it should ruin your whole day. In our house if someone were to make a joke of it, it's funny and we can both find humor in it, it's not a big deal cause it's over and done with (not attitude/day changing). So I guess I should clarify vent does not equal rant.

ETA: I am also not suggesting complaining about every little thing in your day either (ie: someone cut infront of me in line).

 

[strmrdr]

Date: 4/30/2007 6:12:27 PM
Author: Skippy123

Date: 4/30/2007 6:09:29 PM
Author: strmrdr
I expect to be annoyed by 99.99999% of the people I meet therefor don''t get annoyed :}
lol everyone thinks in the most laid back person in person but the truth is i''m just too lazy to care much.
I don''t mind cuz they don''t matter and aren''t worth the energy getting annoyed with them.

I like that! I sometimes feel the same way. heeheehe.

hmmmm I thought I was just strange....
I see now I''m either sorta normal or I''m strange but in good company!

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 4/30/2007 7:06:03 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 4/30/2007 6:58:39 PM
Author: Sparkles22


I think happy-go lucky people have a hard time understanding things that annoy/frustrate other people. Only because they have a different view on things. And while this view is good, they also have to understand it isn''t something you can do overnight.

TravelingGal sounds like DH is improving, maybe you are rubbing off on him. Perhaps you should find a way to have humor in it, so DH doesn''t see it as a big deal, and eventually can find humor in the things that annoy him as well.

I do agree with the statement above. It''s like if someone asked me to be mad and irritated all the time, I don''t think I could do it.

As for TGuy...I find humor in everything. Sometimes it works. Othertimes having a sense of humor when someone has had a crap day is just the worst thing you can do!

I would not describle myself as happy go lucky, but I detest complaining, which has been a huge adjustment for my husband, whose family''s idea of communicating was to vent to one another, quite often about one another. I think this is quite common in American households. He has, in fact, deemed me "un-American" because I so dislike complaining (and a myriad of other things that the typical American likes). Anyways, I just think if people stepped back and and took a deep breathe they wouldn''t feel so slighted and/or annoyed about little things that go wrong. Perhaps I''m a bit too Pollyanna-ish, but when someone frustrates me (and people do frustrate me!) I think to myself, "if that''s the worst thing that''s going to happen to me today, I''m doing better than most people." And I move on from whatever it may be.

 

[Sparkles22]

Date: 4/30/2007 7:45:34 PM
Author: KimberlyH

Date: 4/30/2007 7:06:03 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 4/30/2007 6:58:39 PM
Author: Sparkles22


I think happy-go lucky people have a hard time understanding things that annoy/frustrate other people. Only because they have a different view on things. And while this view is good, they also have to understand it isn''t something you can do overnight.

TravelingGal sounds like DH is improving, maybe you are rubbing off on him. Perhaps you should find a way to have humor in it, so DH doesn''t see it as a big deal, and eventually can find humor in the things that annoy him as well.

I do agree with the statement above. It''s like if someone asked me to be mad and irritated all the time, I don''t think I could do it.

As for TGuy...I find humor in everything. Sometimes it works. Othertimes having a sense of humor when someone has had a crap day is just the worst thing you can do!

I would not describle myself as happy go lucky, but I detest complaining, which has been a huge adjustment for my husband, whose family''s idea of communicating was to vent to one another, quite often about one another. I think this is quite common in American households. He has, in fact, deemed me ''un-American'' because I so dislike complaining (and a myriad of other things that the typical American likes). Anyways, I just think if people stepped back and and took a deep breathe they wouldn''t feel so slighted and/or annoyed about little things that go wrong. Perhaps I''m a bit too Pollyanna-ish, but when someone frustrates me (and people do frustrate me!) I think to myself, ''if that''s the worst thing that''s going to happen to me today, I''m doing better than most people.'' And I move on from whatever it may be.

I like that idea

 

[diamondsrock]

this is a really interesting thread. I tend to get annoyed easily and used to be like that, waiting for the other person to realize what they were doing, getting myself more annoyed. Then I realized that half the time they really don''t know that they are annoying me so now I speak up. For example, I was at the mall and this family with 4 or 5 kids, 3 adults, etc. was walking and they took up the entire aisle. Seriously, I couldn''t get by. So I stood there for a moment, realized they were utterly clueless, then asked them nicely to move. They did. I used to think (in situations like this) they were doing this on purpose, how rude of them, I can''t believe they didn''t move, don''t they know other people are here, etc....but now I realize they were just in their own world, obviously thoughtless of others, and weren''t doing it intentionally. They just didn''t care enough to notice that they took up the whole aisle. I have a different spin on this now from what I used to. And let me tell you why....

this past summer two of my neighbors had a problem with my dog barking. They ranted and raved to each other for months, complaining, slamming windows, etc... and really thought I knew it was an issue with them. News flash! I had no idea! (please keep in mind my dog didn''t bark constantly, it''s a long story.) Point is, they were being passive aggressive and getting themselves worked up over something that I would have easily fixed if they had just said something!!! Problem has been solved, my dog barks for maybe 10 seconds a day, and one of them actually told me that she now realizes she should have gone about it a different way. I told her to come up to me and let me know if there''s ever a problem so I can do something about it. Honestly, she could have saved herself all the bother if she had just made her thoughts known to me in a nice manner. I was really worked up over this, though, and of course got annoyed myself, not because she had a problem with my dog barking, but because of the way she went about it. So I guess in that situation I was one of the clueless people out there as well, so I try to see both sides of it. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt that maybe they really just don''t know, because I wish someone had done that with me in that situation.

By the way,have you seen the movie Friends with Money with Jennifer Aniston? It''s about this group of friends and their relationships with each other. There is this one character (I forget her name) and she is so annoyed at people that it is almost upsetting to watch her because we''ve all felt that way at one point or another. Problem is she is like this all the time. It''s a good movie.

So I guess just try to realize some people really just need to be told, excuse me, could you please move your car so we can get out? Try to give them the benefit first before getting upset. It could save yourself a lot of frustration and anger. Of course some people are genuinely rude, don''t care about others, and will do whatever they want. Those are the people who really get me upset. I also have low expectations of people in general so I don''t get too disappointed!

 

[lumpkin]

Date: 4/30/2007 9:20:32 PM
Author: diamondsrock
this is a really interesting thread. I tend to get annoyed easily and used to be like that, waiting for the other person to realize what they were doing, getting myself more annoyed. Then I realized that half the time they really don''t know that they are annoying me so now I speak up. For example, I was at the mall and this family with 4 or 5 kids, 3 adults, etc. was walking and they took up the entire aisle. Seriously, I couldn''t get by. So I stood there for a moment, realized they were utterly clueless, then asked them nicely to move. They did. I used to think (in situations like this) they were doing this on purpose, how rude of them, I can''t believe they didn''t move, don''t they know other people are here, etc....but now I realize they were just in their own world, obviously thoughtless of others, and weren''t doing it intentionally. They just didn''t care enough to notice that they took up the whole aisle. I have a different spin on this now from what I used to. And let me tell you why....

this past summer two of my neighbors had a problem with my dog barking. They ranted and raved to each other for months, complaining, slamming windows, etc... and really thought I knew it was an issue with them. News flash! I had no idea! (please keep in mind my dog didn''t bark constantly, it''s a long story.) Point is, they were being passive aggressive and getting themselves worked up over something that I would have easily fixed if they had just said something!!! Problem has been solved, my dog barks for maybe 10 seconds a day, and one of them actually told me that she now realizes she should have gone about it a different way. I told her to come up to me and let me know if there''s ever a problem so I can do something about it. Honestly, she could have saved herself all the bother if she had just made her thoughts known to me in a nice manner. I was really worked up over this, though, and of course got annoyed myself, not because she had a problem with my dog barking, but because of the way she went about it. So I guess in that situation I was one of the clueless people out there as well, so I try to see both sides of it. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt that maybe they really just don''t know, because I wish someone had done that with me in that situation.

By the way,have you seen the movie Friends with Money with Jennifer Aniston? It''s about this group of friends and their relationships with each other. There is this one character (I forget her name) and she is so annoyed at people that it is almost upsetting to watch her because we''ve all felt that way at one point or another. Problem is she is like this all the time. It''s a good movie.

So I guess just try to realize some people really just need to be told, excuse me, could you please move your car so we can get out? Try to give them the benefit first before getting upset. It could save yourself a lot of frustration and anger. Of course some people are genuinely rude, don''t care about others, and will do whatever they want. Those are the people who really get me upset. I also have low expectations of people in general so I don''t get too disappointed!

This reminds me of my next door neighbor. She''s always angry with someone in the neighborhood. She thinks they do stuff to deliberately piss her off. I can''t tell you the number of conversations I''ve had where she''s griped about someone in the neighborhood. I know she gets mad at us because we have three enormous pinn oaks and all fall they drop leaves, which blow into her yard. She gets very upset, because she''s very particular about her lawn and flowers. I understand, I wouldn''t want to bag up all my neighbor''s darn leaves. But it''s not like we wait weeks and weeks to get them up. We''re out there twice a week, and if we can''t get to it, we hire a neighborhood kid. But she thinks because she''s out in her yard preening three times a day, we should be too. I used to let it bother me and I''d get myself upset because I don''t like others to be mad at me, especially if they think I''m being purposely inconsiderate. Then I got defensive about it, and now I''ve decided she has OCD issues and whenever she''s not mad at us, there are plenty of other neighbors for her to be upset with. When she''s mad at us, someone else is getting a break, LOL! Funny thing is, she''s out in her yard probably 4 hours (seriously) a day. I''d probably be more inclined to work out there myself if I didn''t have to see, be seen and talk to her.

Sometimes I wish we''d moved into the country with about 5 acres around us.

 

[Sparkles22]

Date: 4/30/2007 10:07:49 PM
Author: lumpkin

Date: 4/30/2007 9:20:32 PM
Author: diamondsrock
this is a really interesting thread. I tend to get annoyed easily and used to be like that, waiting for the other person to realize what they were doing, getting myself more annoyed. Then I realized that half the time they really don''t know that they are annoying me so now I speak up. For example, I was at the mall and this family with 4 or 5 kids, 3 adults, etc. was walking and they took up the entire aisle. Seriously, I couldn''t get by. So I stood there for a moment, realized they were utterly clueless, then asked them nicely to move. They did. I used to think (in situations like this) they were doing this on purpose, how rude of them, I can''t believe they didn''t move, don''t they know other people are here, etc....but now I realize they were just in their own world, obviously thoughtless of others, and weren''t doing it intentionally. They just didn''t care enough to notice that they took up the whole aisle. I have a different spin on this now from what I used to. And let me tell you why....

this past summer two of my neighbors had a problem with my dog barking. They ranted and raved to each other for months, complaining, slamming windows, etc... and really thought I knew it was an issue with them. News flash! I had no idea! (please keep in mind my dog didn''t bark constantly, it''s a long story.) Point is, they were being passive aggressive and getting themselves worked up over something that I would have easily fixed if they had just said something!!! Problem has been solved, my dog barks for maybe 10 seconds a day, and one of them actually told me that she now realizes she should have gone about it a different way. I told her to come up to me and let me know if there''s ever a problem so I can do something about it. Honestly, she could have saved herself all the bother if she had just made her thoughts known to me in a nice manner. I was really worked up over this, though, and of course got annoyed myself, not because she had a problem with my dog barking, but because of the way she went about it. So I guess in that situation I was one of the clueless people out there as well, so I try to see both sides of it. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt that maybe they really just don''t know, because I wish someone had done that with me in that situation.

By the way,have you seen the movie Friends with Money with Jennifer Aniston? It''s about this group of friends and their relationships with each other. There is this one character (I forget her name) and she is so annoyed at people that it is almost upsetting to watch her because we''ve all felt that way at one point or another. Problem is she is like this all the time. It''s a good movie.

So I guess just try to realize some people really just need to be told, excuse me, could you please move your car so we can get out? Try to give them the benefit first before getting upset. It could save yourself a lot of frustration and anger. Of course some people are genuinely rude, don''t care about others, and will do whatever they want. Those are the people who really get me upset. I also have low expectations of people in general so I don''t get too disappointed!

This reminds me of my next door neighbor. She''s always angry with someone in the neighborhood. She thinks they do stuff to deliberately piss her off. I can''t tell you the number of conversations I''ve had where she''s griped about someone in the neighborhood. I know she gets mad at us because we have three enormous pinn oaks and all fall they drop leaves, which blow into her yard. She gets very upset, because she''s very particular about her lawn and flowers. I understand, I wouldn''t want to bag up all my neighbor''s darn leaves. But it''s not like we wait weeks and weeks to get them up. We''re out there twice a week, and if we can''t get to it, we hire a neighborhood kid. But she thinks because she''s out in her yard preening three times a day, we should be too. I used to let it bother me and I''d get myself upset because I don''t like others to be mad at me, especially if they think I''m being purposely inconsiderate. Then I got defensive about it, and now I''ve decided she has OCD issues and whenever she''s not mad at us, there are plenty of other neighbors for her to be upset with. When she''s mad at us, someone else is getting a break, LOL! Funny thing is, she''s out in her yard probably 4 hours (seriously) a day. I''d probably be more inclined to work out there myself if I didn''t have to see, be seen and talk to her.

Sometimes I wish we''d moved into the country with about 5 acres around us.

That''s funny! Sorry, but 4 hours a day... what a crazy!

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 4/30/2007 7:48:10 PM
Author: Sparkles22

Date: 4/30/2007 7:45:34 PM
Author: KimberlyH

Date: 4/30/2007 7:06:03 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 4/30/2007 6:58:39 PM
Author: Sparkles22


I think happy-go lucky people have a hard time understanding things that annoy/frustrate other people. Only because they have a different view on things. And while this view is good, they also have to understand it isn''t something you can do overnight.

TravelingGal sounds like DH is improving, maybe you are rubbing off on him. Perhaps you should find a way to have humor in it, so DH doesn''t see it as a big deal, and eventually can find humor in the things that annoy him as well.

I do agree with the statement above. It''s like if someone asked me to be mad and irritated all the time, I don''t think I could do it.

As for TGuy...I find humor in everything. Sometimes it works. Othertimes having a sense of humor when someone has had a crap day is just the worst thing you can do!

I would not describle myself as happy go lucky, but I detest complaining, which has been a huge adjustment for my husband, whose family''s idea of communicating was to vent to one another, quite often about one another. I think this is quite common in American households. He has, in fact, deemed me ''un-American'' because I so dislike complaining (and a myriad of other things that the typical American likes). Anyways, I just think if people stepped back and and took a deep breathe they wouldn''t feel so slighted and/or annoyed about little things that go wrong. Perhaps I''m a bit too Pollyanna-ish, but when someone frustrates me (and people do frustrate me!) I think to myself, ''if that''s the worst thing that''s going to happen to me today, I''m doing better than most people.'' And I move on from whatever it may be.

I like that idea

It really helps me, Sparkle. I''m easily annoyed behind the wheel and I really have to think about this when I get frustrated...and as soon as I think about all the crap other people face in a day I realize it''s so not a big deal to have been cut off, or whatever. Life is too short to spend it being frustrated at other people.