Anyone ever actually try couples counseling?

[fieryred33143]

I know there''s been threads about it and in almost every thread involving couple issues, someone will suggest couples counseling. But has anyone here ever really tried it? Did you find it effective or all just a bunch of fluff? You don''t have to go into details because I know that''s personal. I just want to know if you felt it helped.

My FI and I are having some issues. Nothing major but we''re both holding back on saying what''s really bothering us out of fear of how the other will take it. I feel that with a mediator, we can resolve and move past it. We''ve always been good communicators with each other in the past but there''s something off with us. I have been turned off by couples counseling cause I think its a waste of money...but if I can throw $200 towards a handbag and he can throw money towards music equipment then we should be able to invest money into us

Anyway, I took the plunge and called for an appointment with a couples counselor. I was very proud of myself for feeling empowered and making that first step...until they told me they had to call back with a representative for more details. Now I''m going back into thinking if its really even worth it.

 

[~*Snow*~]

It's worth it! (also check and see if your insurence will cover some of it, or if you have a doc. recomendation they might cover 100% of it(I'm in Canada btw))
It's 100% worth it! We had some issues too, simple not big deal issues, but we never thought we needed to see a counselor until we got engaged to make sure this "little issues" didn't spiral out of control. And boy oh boy it was good. The Doc. noticed things we never did, gave an honest outsider opinion and told us how to work through it. He also gave us "homework", little things like, taking 5 mins before bed to ask eachother if there is anything we wanted to tell one another, in a non-jugdemental or confrontational way. after about 5 session he told us to keep up the good work and come back every few months if we wanted a little "check-up".
Just because you don't have any HUGE issues to work through doens't mean you can't clean up your relationship abit. And i know people will roll there eyes and think its all "fluff" but if it helps you and FI to be a better you, what is wrong with that?

Make sure you research your options and pick a conselor that's right for you. We looked through close to 100 profiles before we found one that sounded right to us. If you google your city name and the type of counciling you want you'll most likely find a list of some sort where to start.

Hope that was helpfull!

 

[Circe]

I''m going to be following this thread with interest: I''m in exactly the same head-space. I wish I could offer concrete advice, but I''ll stick to commiseration!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

ditto Circe!

 

[nytemist]

We are doing it now. We''ve been seeing her since May. After a particularly bad fight we needed to, probably beforehand as well. She''s very good, given us good advice and direction and tips for how to comminucate and do things going forward. Unfortunately some of the tips aren''t being followed by husband at home so it makes it frustrating.

If there are issues that you find it hard to resolve or move past, it helps to have that other set of eyes to point out how to do things or talk differently to each other.

 

[elrohwen]

I''ve never done the couples counseling thing, but as the daughter of two psychologists (one who is in private practice and does couples counseling) I feel like I''m qualified to give an opinion

If you find the right person, what they tell you won''t be fluff, it will be concrete ways to help your relationship. I think the best counselors just offer common sense advice, but lots of times you need to hear it from a third party before you can really take it in. He or she should definitely give you homework and exercises to try (like Snow mentioned) rather than just having you talk endlessly about your problems. Lying on a couch and talking doesn''t help ... you have to work at it, but I don''t think all therapists take this same view.

I think some bad psychologists out there have given fluffy advice and given the profession a bad name. My mom has told me about clients that saw another professional for a year with no results (sometimes for couples therapy, sometimes for their kid, whatever). After a few weeks with my mom giving them exercises and homework, they felt a lot better and were able to stop seeing a counselor completely. So goes to show you, choose carefully and you can have a great experience.

Good luck and I''m excited to find out what you decide to do! I think especially with a wedding coming up, you can use all the help you can get as the stress starts to pile on.

 

[Hera]

My husband and I went a couple of times but it didn''t help us because the arguments my husband and I were having were really because of my issues. I go to a therapist and work through them and our relationship has gotten much closer. In our case it was much better for me to go individually but I can see some instances where couples therapy would be useful like if there''s some problems with communication.

 

[AprilBaby]

We have been going for a year and I think it depends on who you go to. We have someone who seems to TOTALLY understand both sides and it has saved our marriage! Do some research on the persons backround and see who fits both of YOU!

 

[ladypirate]

Just wanted to send some *Hugs* your way. I''m a big fan of counseling in general. I''ve gone in the past when I needed to work through something and it was always really helpful to have a non-judgmental 3rd party to provide insight/support. Good luck and I hope that it helps you get through the rough patch.

 

[fieryred33143]

Thanks to everyone who has offered advice/input so far.

Normally we talk about everything under the sun and we don''t hold back. But ever since getting engaged, I feel that we tip toe around each other as if we aren''t "allowed" to disagree anymore because we''re getting married. I figure we can try out a few sessions to let it all out and then fall back into the normal routine.

 

[panda08]

I've done it before and I've gone by myself. I'm a big advocate of counseling/therapy/whatever you want to call it. It's helpful to have someone bounce feelings, thoughts, frustrations, etc. off of and have him/her give you an honest, detached opinion about your situation.

I went with my ex but just because we broke up doesn't mean that I thought the counseling wasn't worth it. It gave us a neutral place to openly discuss what our respectives issues were and a third person to help facilitate things when the information wasn't flowing that well.

I've seen several different people, men and women, psychologists and MFC's. Sometimes you have to try several different people to get a feel for their personalities and styles to see if theirs meshes with yours. I asked for complimentary consultations. The suggestion to check with your insurance is a good one. Many offer at least some coverage.

Along with finding a good counselor, it goes without saying that you get what you put into it. Though my ex went with me, he wasn't really on board with the process. I have a friend who went to couple's counseling with her husband for over a year. They took their counselor's advice to heart, worked very hard on their marriage and are much happier now as a result of it. If you guys are at an impasse and are considering counseling, I think it can only help and is an investment worth making -- especially when it can yield a lifetime's worth of happiness.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

I have gone, and I agree that you get out of it what you put into it. I went with my XH. Our counselor was wonderful, and we both saw her individually as well as jointly. I think the individual sessions really helped me to understand what was wrong in our relationship, and I think the joint sessions really helped me to understand that he was not committed to making any changes. He would tell the counselor whatever she wanted to hear during our joint sessions, and then he would go right back to square one when we got home. She did give us "homework," but he never did it. Our biggest problem was the fact that he was abusive. I''ve since found out that joint therapy is never a good idea in an abusive relationship . . . it just gives the abuser more "ammunition." But, it sounds like your relationship is not abusive, so I would bet that both of you would definitely benefit from counseling. Good luck!

 

[swimmer]

My mom is a therapist...yeah so I grew up discussing and examining everything. And DH''s family doesn''t speak about feelings or much beyond weather or menu planning. We went a few times to discuss communication styles and to determine what we want to talk about/plan for the future. Our therapist was great, told us to leave her alone till we hit something major after hashing out a plan for us to work on long term communication goals.

Do find someone you click with. I went to a therapist I didn''t like in college when blue, and just dreaded going so stopped. A fabulous friend who has been in therapy for years and will surely be for decades more says "therapy, its better than sex, its all about you." An interesting way to think about it for sure. Couples therapy is a challenge, but a useful tool...I suggest it. (BCBS covered all but copay here in MA)

 

[snowflakeluvr]

hi,
yes, couple''s therapy works if you follow up on the suggestions of your therapist and commit to suggestions to enhance your communication and intimacy. i''ve been married 21+ (long) years. in some ways, we''ve made strides, in others-we(dh) more or less are still basically the same people we''ve always been. as you live together longer though, i think you become more forgiving and having a sense of humor makes things much easier to take at times! i''m in a less than stellar marriage BUT we have five amazing kids, and i cherish my life with them. my dh has addictive tendencies(to work mostly) and it has shadowed our coupledom in a big way.
we do communicate better than we used to-dh was raised with very little emotion and sharing of the love stuff. i was raised by a very judgemental mom BUT lots of hugs, kisses and special times, so i live with my heart, not my head and dh is the opposite. i guess we compliment each other that way.
it''s a good idea-if you and your fiance get along well now, it will get even better! and praise him for going along with it-guys "generally" aren''t the ones who initiate wanting to talk to a third party about "stuff". let us know how it goes....

 

[alli_esq]

I have to say, it SOOOO depends on the person you trust to this sort of thing.

Being the daughter of a woman who has been in and out of therapy for the better part of 40 years, I have seen MORE than my fair share of therapists--always hoping that it would help me to solve the problems I have encountered, both personally and in relationships.

I have tried couple''s therapy twice--the first time, we (my ex and I) went to a therapist who chose to talk about himself more than the problems XBF and I were facing. Obviously, that didn''t help, though I know now that nothing could have saved that relationship. The second time, I went with my FI for about 3 months or so...and our therapist did SO much more damage than good to our relationship, I don''t even know where to begin. She instigated arguments, she told us disgustedly that we "deserve each other" (um, that''s an insult?), she took his side ALWAYS, and I never once left there when I wasn''t in tears. Our fights became unmanageable. When we finally stopped going to her (she basically dumped us), we all but stopped fighting. It was like, we needed to see HOW BAD it could get before we could actually work things out between us.

There are times that I would like to try to go to a therapist again with FI--we have some issues that I would really like to try and get through with the help of a neutral mediator...but we are both still so stung by our last experience (even though we stopped going to her almost a year and a half ago), I don''t know that we could deal with that again. It''s so difficult to find a therapist who is really talented and is a good fit--and it''s like, by the time you go through the process of trying to get close to a therapist, it''s been so long temporally and you''ve expended so much energy that doing that over again is SUCH an ORDEAL.

 

[kcoursolle]

I haven''t tried it, but I''m good friends with several psychology Ph.D. students and their recommendation is that cognitive behavioral counseling works much better than other types. I just thought I would mention this.

 

[~*Snow*~]

Date: 9/5/2008 12:02:33 PM
Author: alli_esq
I have to say, it SOOOO depends on the person you trust to this sort of thing.

Being the daughter of a woman who has been in and out of therapy for the better part of 40 years, I have seen MORE than my fair share of therapists--always hoping that it would help me to solve the problems I have encountered, both personally and in relationships.

I have tried couple''s therapy twice--the first time, we (my ex and I) went to a therapist who chose to talk about himself more than the problems XBF and I were facing. Obviously, that didn''t help, though I know now that nothing could have saved that relationship. The second time, I went with my FI for about 3 months or so...and our therapist did SO much more damage than good to our relationship, I don''t even know where to begin. She instigated arguments, she told us disgustedly that we ''deserve each other'' (um, that''s an insult?), she took his side ALWAYS, and I never once left there when I wasn''t in tears. Our fights became unmanageable. When we finally stopped going to her (she basically dumped us), we all but stopped fighting. It was like, we needed to see HOW BAD it could get before we could actually work things out between us.

There are times that I would like to try to go to a therapist again with FI--we have some issues that I would really like to try and get through with the help of a neutral mediator...but we are both still so stung by our last experience (even though we stopped going to her almost a year and a half ago), I don''t know that we could deal with that again. It''s so difficult to find a therapist who is really talented and is a good fit--and it''s like, by the time you go through the process of trying to get close to a therapist, it''s been so long temporally and you''ve expended so much energy that doing that over again is SUCH an ORDEAL.

Oh Ali that is terible! What a horrible therapist!!!! Thank god she "dumped" you, sounds like you are much better off with out her!!!!!!

 

[Dreamer_D]

I have not ben to couples counselling personally, but I am a psychologist and wanted to just make a couple comments. Research suggests that most people do not seek counselling until they are so far gone that nothing will help, and in such cases, it doesn''t help! But it sounds like you would be an ideal client since you want to go in for a tune up, not a major overhaul. People like yourselves often show the best results from counselling, so I think it would be a great idea!

One very important thing to know is that ANYONE can call themselves a therapist or a counsellor. You need NO special degree or qualifications to use that name. And as alli_esq''s story illustrates, this means that there is little control over who actually offers the service. However, if you go see a liscenced clinical psychologist then you are seeing someone with 6 or more years of post-graduate education, who has passed a liscensing exam, and who is accountable (usually) for their actions because they are accountable to the liscensing board. Clinical Psychologists also have training in techniqies that are proved to work (such as cognitive-behvaioral therapy, as kcoursolle mentioned). Such individuals usually charge more, but you really get what you pay for. So if possible, try to find a clinical psychologist.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 9/5/2008 4:38:09 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie
I have not ben to couples counselling personally, but I am a psychologist and wanted to just make a couple comments. Research suggests that most people do not seek counselling until they are so far gone that nothing will help, and in such cases, it doesn''t help! But it sounds like you would be an ideal client since you want to go in for a tune up, not a major overhaul. People like yourselves often show the best results from counselling, so I think it would be a great idea!

One very important thing to know is that ANYONE can call themselves a therapist or a counsellor. You need NO special degree or qualifications to use that name. And as alli_esq''s story illustrates, this means that there is little control over who actually offers the service. However, if you go see a liscenced clinical psychologist then you are seeing someone with 6 or more years of post-graduate education, who has passed a liscensing exam, and who is accountable (usually) for their actions because they are accountable to the liscensing board. Clinical Psychologists also have training in techniqies that are proved to work (such as cognitive-behvaioral therapy, as kcoursolle mentioned). Such individuals usually charge more, but you really get what you pay for. So if possible, try to find a clinical psychologist.

I just learned this. We contacted someone near our home and found out she isn''t certified although it appears as if she is (on her site). Anyway, I didn''t like talking to her on the phone so we nixed plans to meet with her. Thanks for the comment

 

[chiapet]

I''ve been through both couples counselling and individual counselling and neither one helped. The couples counselling would have helped except that my ex-husband became extremely defensive and refused to go back after 3 sessions. I filed for divorce 2 weeks after our last session. Then I went to individual counselling but did not feel a connection with the therapist. Maybe I should have tried to find another therapist but decided to take up boxing instead So, I just don''t have much faith in counselling right now, which is ironic since I have a degree in psychology.
Good luck. I hope you work things out with your partner.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

We decided to go to counseling after getting engaged because of the whole he-took-to-long-and-I-moved-on thing. We were both really focused on starting out our marriage on a strong foot and not dragging any hurt about the limbo period into the next chapter of our lives. I think that because we were both committed to the counseling it really helped. We were able to talk openly about things that might not have gone over so well had we been in our home. We could talk honestly about the things we did in the past that hurt each other (which was critical to moving on) and also recognize the unhealthy things we did currently, which allowed us to fix them.

I also went to individual therapy, but not for a couple of years. I went when I was trying to figure out what I wanted out of my own life, our of my relationship...more than anything it was just a "what in the heck am I doing??" time in my life. It was he who recommended our pre-marital counselor and both were great.

ETA: I think that reading relationship books is also good for small problems, but sometimes you need an objective place to discuss things!

 

[mommy2iz]

the last 3-4 yrs has been very difficult for our family; we''ve made it through b/c we were blessed to have found some wonderful therapists. i''m fairly skeptical of therapy b/c i don''t like to feel like i''m being analyzed or critiqued....what i''ve learned is that you should approach therapy as you would a job interview. be prepared to evaluate the therapists credentials, style, approach, etc. ask them about their experience with issues such as the one''s you have. often, your initial appt will be you telling the therapist why you want to pursue counseling, and them trying to evaluate whether or not they are the right match for you. do not go with the first person you see just b/c they say they can help you. it has to be a 2 way street. trust your instincts!
you both have to feel comfortable with the person. if one of you has reservations, go to someone else. it''s well worth it, in the right hands, but is definitely a process. results don''t often come overnight. good luck!!!