any advice appreciated

[Maisie]

I feel really cross with someone at work. I don't really have the right to either. He is in his late 50's and is one of those harmless flirty older guys. Well thats what I thought. To be honest he is full of innuendo all the time and makes a lot of innappropriate comments. He is always looking at my chest and I am getting a bit fed up now. The problem is that everyone else seems to think he is just being silly.

He has been married for about 30 years with two teenage kids. Yesterday his mistress (

) came in to call for him for lunch. She gave me a real nasty attitude. I don't know why. Anyway I had no idea he was cheating but apparently its common knowledge. I just feel so irritated with him. Before I found out about her I thought he was just one of those harmless cheeky chappies you know? Now I feel like I can't go anywhere near him because I think he really does mean to be flirty in a real way. I do find him offensive but tried to ignore it. I hate cheating - its something which would devastate me and I know his wife would be too. She is a nice lady. I know we never know what goes on behind closed doors but cheating is something which really bothers me.

He had a customer yesterday and she was really stressing that something was sorted out for her. He said he would be back from lunch in half an hour and would sort things for her. As it was his lunch date went on for nearly an hour and I had to deal with her on his behalf.

I wish I wasn't so morally righteous. (I don't mean I am righteous but its the only way I can describe how I see myself sometimes) I don't push my christianity down anyones throat but in this case I just feel so annoyed with this situation. I don't feel that I can go to the management as they all think he is harmless.

 

[perry]

Maisie:

I see several issues here:

1) People cheat - lots of people cheat. Most hide it better than this guy... assuming that his wife does not know already (some people even have open marriages on the sexual side of things). You are going to have to learn to accept that other people do cheat. It''s their life and unless it is your S.O. or Husband it has no direct affect on you. Let it be... Remember; judge not unless you wish to be judged.

2) He is somewhat flirty with you. Intentional or not - and your perception of things (true or not). This is tougher - and can be damaging to your carear if played wrong. There is a certain amount that you should ignore - but then a point where you need to take action (or move on). I personally have been accused at work twice about sexual harrassment many years ago by gals that I had no interest in at all - but that I''d offered to help them on something they were asking for help. A lot of other guys went through that as well. If it comes off that you are falsely accusing someone that has as much ramifications for you as it does for someone justly accused of sexual harrassment.

3) You feel that you have no one to report your concerns to in the company. I feel that is a more serious issue. How to handle it depends on how big the company is. Is this a sole proprietership or a large coroporation.

4) You are having to do his work while he is "at lunch". That you should be able to report to you''rem, or possibly his, suppervisor as a ligitimate work issue (by itself).

In the end you will have some choices to make. First of all be glad that you have ID''d this guy as an issue for you. You can protect yourself from a known threat.

Some people tough it out and come out stronger. Some people just move on. Some people get into trouble at work trying to resolve the issue. Some people get promoted at work because they figured out how to deal with the issue.

No crystal ball here - and too many unknowns.

Best of luck though.

Perry

 

[Maisie]

Date: 6/27/2007 6:44:00 AM
Author: perry
Maisie:

I see several issues here:

1) People cheat - lots of people cheat. Most hide it better than this guy... assuming that his wife does not know already (some people even have open marriages on the sexual side of things). You are going to have to learn to accept that other people do cheat. It's their life and unless it is your S.O. or Husband it has no direct affect on you. Let it be... Remember; judge not unless you wish to be judged.

2) He is somewhat flirty with you. Intentional or not - and your perception of things (true or not). This is tougher - and can be damaging to your carear if played wrong. There is a certain amount that you should ignore - but then a point where you need to take action (or move on). I personally have been accused at work twice about sexual harrassment many years ago by gals that I had no interest in at all - but that I'd offered to help them on something they were asking for help. A lot of other guys went through that as well. If it comes off that you are falsely accusing someone that has as much ramifications for you as it does for someone justly accused of sexual harrassment.

3) You feel that you have no one to report your concerns to in the company. I feel that is a more serious issue. How to handle it depends on how big the company is. Is this a sole proprietership or a large coroporation.

4) You are having to do his work while he is 'at lunch'. That you should be able to report to you'rem, or possibly his, suppervisor as a ligitimate work issue (by itself).

In the end you will have some choices to make. First of all be glad that you have ID'd this guy as an issue for you. You can protect yourself from a known threat.

Some people tough it out and come out stronger. Some people just move on. Some people get into trouble at work trying to resolve the issue. Some people get promoted at work because they figured out how to deal with the issue.

No crystal ball here - and too many unknowns.

Best of luck though.

Perry

Thank you for your reply Perry. I am really trying not to judge. I don't want to be judged!

I just feel so yuk about it. I wish I didn't. I know its not my business. He just takes things too far - he is too touchy feely and downright offensive sometimes. Last week I was standing near him while he was using the till and he reached back and touched my inner thigh. That - in my opinion - is completely overstepping the mark. I have never given him any impression that he could do anything like that. A lot of my colleagues think he is funny but I don't. I like a laugh as much as anyone else but when its like this I just can't join in.

I wouldn't give my job up over this. I love it there and the rest of the staff are lovely. I guess I just need to avoid him if possible. Not easy in our department where there are usually just two of us on one shift.

 

[Skippy123]

Maisie,
I am so sorry; that is awful. Out of my coworkers and friends I don''t know any that think it is okay to cheat; how gross!!! I wouldn''t dwell on that; he has proven he is a creep. The problem you have is he is crossing the line with his inappropriate behavior toward you. I would talk to him about it first. Tell him you do not like his behavior around you and it needs to stop. If he keeps doing it then tell a boss if you can. You should never have to put up with that!!! Keep us posted. Come vent here if you can''t at work. Wishing you the best.

 

[pyramid]

Maisie I think what you should have done, I know too late, when he touched your thigh said something to him, like excuse me why did you touch my leg and see what he said, ofcourse I know he did it devious by coming backwards so it looked ofcourse like he didn't know you were right behind him.

It is ofcourse true as Perry said that you know for certain before you say anything to him because in other cases it is like he said he was just helping people with something and they were paranoid thinking he was up to something. It is a pity the other workers think it is just a joke, if I worked there I would watch him for you to see if I thought the same thing? Could you ask one of them to watch him when he is around you or is it the case that if they think he is funny they will speak to each other about what you are saying and think you are being different to normal?

The thing is if you say to your supervisor then that is putting it to the company and is like a real complaint.

If I was you I would keep at watch over say a week and write down everything and then make my mind up whether to speak to him or your boss.

 

[pyramid]

Just adding, if you had said to him why did you touch my leg, he may have made an excuse like What I moved back and didn''t see you there, but if he is up to no good, he would know that you were onto him. I think you need to make up your mind if he really is overstepping the mark and mention it to him when someone else is around incase he gets mad and you are on your own with him.

 

[Maisie]

He knew I was behind him because he was talking to me about the transaction I had been doing. He was showing me something - thats the only reason I would stand right behind him. He is creepy.

 

[AGBF]

Maisie,

People often assume that mental health professionals give advice. Many of us, the psychodynamic ones, rarely do in our professional capacities. I, therefore, rarely give advice. This is not professional advice. This is just personal.

I think that you have to protect yourself from this man. You do not have to change him in his marital relationship or in how he handles himself with other women, but you do have to make yourself comfortable. If he touches you again, I would firmly say, "Never put your hands on me again" or any similar phrase. If you then feel him staring at your chest after such an episode it would be natural to follow-up with, "Keep your eyes off my body" or any phrase with which you feel comfortable. I think you have to be assertive without dragging in the management or making a scene. I think you will then feel, "clean" and as if he cannot "touch" your body with his hands or his eyes. You will know that you have the power to put him at a distance.

I wish you good luck.

Hugs,
Deb

 

[iheartscience]

It sounds to me like he is definitely over the line. Touching your thigh? Disgusting. I would definitely call him on his behavior. I think that''s the only way it''s going to stop without management intervening. I would just say things like "stop staring at my chest" and "don''t ever touch my leg like that again." If he really doesn''t get the hint after a few of those, I would make a serious complaint to management and if they don''t take you seriously, I would complain to the owner or district manager or whatever higher up there is.

 

[Independent Gal]

Maybe this is silly, but I disagree with Perry on the 'people cheat, don't judge them' thing. There is 'explanation' and 'excuse'. I might 'understand' why someone cheats (maybe they are not getting their emotional needs met, that might well be 'human') but that doesn't excute it. Lot's of terrible things are 'human'. Like murder, and rape. Doesn't excuse.

Frankly, if I cheated, I'd be all "Judge Away!" I wouldn't expect some special exemption from ethics. So I'm going to say feel free to judge. None of us is perfect, and when we do terrible things, one of the ways that our moral compass is inched back toward north is

Cheating is TERRIBLE. It destroys families. It destroys peoples' ability to love and to trust. It devastates people. It's full of sneaking and lying and deception. It's disgusting.

And heaven forbid I ever do it, I hope my friends judge the HECK out of me to remind me which way is up.

As for him touching you, I have had this problem too and what I did (on the advice of the folks here) was to basically say firmly and sternly "It makes me very uncomfortable when you flirt with me or touch me. You may be just goofing around, but I don't like it so stop."

In my case, the guy tried to save his honour by making a few wise-cracks (He said "Yes Sir!" e.g.) but then all was well.

Good luck Maisie! I know how gross this feels. Yuck!

 

[Phoenix]

OMG, that''s so disgusting and there is absolutely no reason why you''d have to put up with it. I myself have been subject to sexual harrasment of a different kind, more verbal then physical, but either form is definitely unacceptable. You must tell this disgusting person that you are not willing to put up with his behaviour. You must tell him firmly that he has to keep his eyes and his hands off you, that you absolutely hate it and he has to stop doing it. If he doesn''t stop doing either, I don''t see that you have any alternative other than report him to yr and his boss. Under no circumstances should you have to tolerate his behaviour or suffer in silence. I am sure the others think it funny because they don''t want to create trouble. But they''re not the one being subjected to this, are they? In any case, it doesn''t matter what the others think or say, it is you who is being subjected to this. In my case though, after I reported my boss (yes, it was my direct boss that was the culprit!) to his boss, I ended up sueing the company and having to leave (but not after I created enough trouble for him and for them!). So just be prepared for having to lose yr job over this, but you know, I think it is a price worth paying for your own dignity. I know in my case, I felt so much better for having brought it out in the open and have never regretted that decision.

As far as his cheating on his wife, there''s really nothing much you can do, not unless you know the wife very well and are friends with her. As someone''s already pointed out, some people know abt their spouses cheating and choose to turn a blind eye. She might not thank you for telling her and might even resent you. I''d say leave it well alone. Everyone knows, or at least should know, if their spouse is cheating. She''ll figure it out, sooner or later, if she hasn''t already.

Good luck!

 

[Independent Gal]

Just to be clear, I''m not recommending you CONFRONT him about his cheating! Just that I don''t think you should feel badly about finding his cheating wrong and horrible.

But I DO think you should confront him about his gross behaviour toward YOU.

 

[Mara]

I totally agree re needing to say something to him about his behavior towards you. I would honestly never stand for someone at work behaving inappropriately to me. I don't need the job that badly, and any 'great job' doesn't come with some loser old pervert trying to manhandle you, sorry to say. I've left bad job situations and not had other jobs to go to, but I'd rather be out of work looking for the right situation, than being somewhere in a bad situation just for cash. Not worth it.

So I suggest you speak up and defend yourself against this guy...I actually don't know why you wouldn't and it's disturbing to me that you think you don't have the right to speak up. If it's for the job, then again, no job is so fabulous if management and everyone think that someone who sexually harasses you and has a mistress (so obviously he doesn't have the same moral code as some others) is harmless and his 'antics' funny. Please! It's a no brainer for me.

 

[Ellen]

Maise, I''m sorry you have to deal with this.

You''ve gotten some very good advice. Just give him "the look" (I know you have one, all us wimmins do

) and tell him to stop it.



Or, tell him you just took up pistol shooting, and while you always hit your mark, point of entry tends to be low.

 

[Nicrez]

Maisie I really feel your pain! I am sorry to hear about this...he really needs to be dealt with firmly. I too had a case where i had sexual harassment issues. You can imagine being a young 21 year old in an old-fashioned law firm... then another job I quit because my own boss (who lived with his girlfirned of 5 years) would not take no for an answer. I was young and I learned that you need to put a stop to it immediately before you let it get worse and it feels uncontrollable.

There should be HR people set up for sexual harrassment issues, but I would always first have a conversation with him. Start out with the next time he makes a comment simply say, "you know, I am actually a bit surprised at your comments. They really are inappropriate for the work place, and besides making others uncomfortable and shy away from you, you put yourself in an awkward position professionally by saying this stuff..." Then next time threaten to talk to his supervisor, then next time, DO IT.

Always get things in writing when possible, and have others around you when doing it actually. Witness is the second best to written.

Good luck!!!

 

[princesss]

Date: 6/27/2007 3:38:08 AM
Author:Maisie

I wish I wasn''t so morally righteous. (I don''t mean I am righteous but its the only way I can describe how I see myself sometimes) I don''t push my christianity down anyones throat but in this case I just feel so annoyed with this situation. I don''t feel that I can go to the management as they all think he is harmless.

It doesn''t matter if they think he is harmless. You are uncomfortable with the way he treats you. Touching you, staring at your chest, and things of that nature are not acceptable. I would first say something to him the next time he does this, especially if it is around other people. I almost feel like you need this to back up your position if you later contact a supervisor. If there are people that have seen you ask him to stop and it becomes known that you are uncomfortable it seems to me that then when you took your complaint to the company instead of him they can''t accuse you of doing it "out of the blue" to get back at him for something.

Then, if it doesn''t stop, put your complaint in writing. Don''t just go in and talk to your boss about this, e-mail him to set up a time to talk about a sexual harassment complaint against your coworker (include names) and ask your boss to reply in e-mail with a time and date. This way if you have to take things beyond your boss, you have proof that you had (or tried to have) a serious conversation about that topic/coworker. Keep a copy of this. E-mail it to yourself at another account.

If you truly don''t feel comfortable enough to stay in the office around him, leave. I know that''s easy for me to say as I don''t have your bills to worry about and there are a whole lot of things I don''t know about the situation, but this isn''t something you should have to put up with. At the end of the day if you feel dirty because of the way this man treats you it will carry over to every aspect of your life. It doesn''t matter if everybody else thinks he''s just being silly: you feel he''s not and you are unhappy. You have a right to be comfortable in your workplace.

I''m keeping my fingers crossed that this gets resolved in the best way possible for all parties.

 

[Phoenix]

I agree with the others that you need to get yr co-workers around you to witness what he does and what you say to him, as well as get as much in writing as possible. I had a lot of co-workers testify on my behalf that my boss was a complete a...hole! So it really helped my case (despite my having to leave the company) in that my ex-boss ended up being sent to a remote area where no-one else wants to go! and the company settled out of court (I wanted to sue them in court but hubby persuaded me not to, but justice WAS done).

 

[pyramid]

Date: 6/27/2007 8:49:53 AM
Author: Maisie
He knew I was behind him because he was talking to me about the transaction I had been doing. He was showing me something - thats the only reason I would stand right behind him. He is creepy.

If you are 100% sure then after saying something to him about it, if it continues you should put it to your boss in writing as well as speaking verbally.

I am in the UK also and I am sure that this company you work for would not turn a blind eye to something like this, they would not be able to due to the discrimination laws. As this is a large company too, they will have procedures in place. As long as, like Perry mentioned, you know 100% he was up to something and from what you say here he is in my opinion. If he had turned and touched your arm then although not right it may cause me to wonder due to different peoples levels of personal space but touching your leg is just different in my opinion.

 

[Haven]

Maisie--I''m so sorry this is happening to you, and you DO have the right to feel upset by this coworker''s behavior.

There is a lot of good advice here, and I apologize if I''m repeating anything, but I would do two things in this situation:

1) Confront this coworker about his behavior in a firm yet nonthreatening way. I would ask to speak with him and say something along the lines of "Coworker, I know that you are naturally a very friendly person, and I value this quality. However, you should know that it makes me very uncomfortable when you (touch me, flirt, say suggestive things, etc.) Please do not misinterpret this as a personal issue, rather I just prefer to keep our interactions strictly professional."

I know it is terribly difficult to say this to someone, especially someone who makes you uncomfortable in the first place, but you must place some very clear boundaries here. I used to work in a corporate office and one of my colleagues made an inappropriate comment about how I was too pretty to be in business, and when I talked to another coworker about confronting him she said "Oh Haven, don''t overreact--he treats everyone like that." Well, two weeks later he appeared behind me and tried to massage my shoulders. I turned to him and said almost exactly what I suggested above, and the issue was resolved. However, I did not stop there, you should also:

2) File a complaint/issue with your HR representative. It is important that you have a paper trail here, just in case the situation escalates and you need some proof that this was a recurring issue.

As for the cheating issue, I find his behavior to be abominable, and the fact that he is not taking means to keep it discreet would also be something I would log with my complaint to HR. Of course it is none of your business what he does behind closed doors, but it is extremely rude for him to air it in public, and the fact that he made it an issue is also noteworthy.

Good luck, Maisie, nobody should be made to feel uncomfortable at work (anywhere, for that matter)!

 

[Maisie]

Thank you for all the replies.

I have been working there for just over a month. In that time I have been finding my feet and getting to know my colleagues. Its my dream job. I love jewellery. I started off on fine jewellery but I really didn''t sell very well down there. I was moved up to the fashion watches and silver jewellery and I have really done well. I sell a lot and I also sell a lot of insurance policies. The management told me that I have found my niche and they want to keep me there.

There are four women and two men working up there. We work in shifts where there are two of us on at one time. From day one I have had this problem with him. He says things like ''oh you are so pretty, its about time they put some eye candy up here'' or ''stop following me into the stock room - you trying to tell me something''... One time I was carrying a lot of boxes and he said ''watch your t**s Shelley, don''t want to bruise those puppies'' or when I was eating something he said ''oh you look good with your mouth full''...

When I mentioned it to other staff they just say ''oh thats just David - just tell him to shut up and he will'' but when I tried he just laughed like I was joking.

My problem is that the other bloke who works there is only 18 but he is trying to copy Davids behaviour. His eyes constantly flick from your face to your chest and its getting on my nerves too. He is a year older than my son and I really don''t think its appropriate at all and he needs putting in his place. I will find this easy enough as he is young and I will just tell him off! David is in his late 50''s and its a bit more difficult to tell him as he just takes everything as a joke.

I don''t want people to think I can''t take a joke. I can''t afford to leave this job as I am the only one working. My husband is caring for our son who is undergoing testing for autism.

Mara - I wish I was a tough cookie like you! I am sure you wouldn''t tolerate this behaviour for even a minute!

Pyramid I know I can go to the company about this but I am in my probationary period and I don''t want to risk not being kept on.

ABGF and Thing2 I will try to stop him if he does anything else. I will stand up to him and show that I mean business.

IG I''m glad you agree with me on the cheating thing - it does destroy families and there is no need for it. If you hate your wife/husband then you should leave. Its very straightforward

Lien I am sorry you had to lose your job over harrassment. Such a shame that people can''t behave appropriately. I hope you are happy in your job now and that the people know how to behave!

Nicrez I will try what you suggested. The odd thing is - I am not a nervous or quiet person. I used to work in a pub and I never put up with this kind of stuff from customers. I just never came across this from a work colleague!

Princess our store is under a new manager. The last one - I think - was the same as this bloke. Very touchy feely. Maybe the new manager will be more approachable for this kind of stuff. I hope so.

 

[Independent Gal]

Hey Maisie, with the staring at your chest thing, you could use a tactic my mom once employed. She worked in a VERY male dominated field (policing) and there was one guy who kept talking to her boobs instead of looking steadily at her face. It made her crazy. So finally one day when he asked her (boobs) a question she sort of raised them in her hands and looked at them and just stood there for a few long, awkward seconds with a knitted brow and then said to the guy "No, sorry, 'the girls' don't seem to have an answer for you. However, I do, so why don't you try talking to ME."

Worked like a charm. TOTALLY embarassed the guy. I'd do the same to the 18 year old. Especially at that age, I'm sure he'd 'get the message' that it's unacceptable. He'd be very sorry, I'd guess. Plus give everyone a good laugh.

 

[Maisie]

Date: 6/27/2007 2:23:08 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Hey Maisie, with the staring at your chest thing, you could use a tactic my mom once employed. She worked in a VERY male dominated field (policing) and there was one guy who kept talking to her boobs instead of looking steadily at her face. It made her crazy. So finally one day when he asked her (boobs) a question she sort of raised them in her hands and looked at them and just stood there for a few long, awkward seconds with a knitted brow and then said to the guy ''No, sorry, ''the girls'' don''t seem to have an answer for you. However, I do, so why don''t you try talking to ME.''

Worked like a charm. TOTALLY embarassed the guy. I''d do the same to the 18 year old. Especially at that age, I''m sure he''d ''get the message'' that it''s unacceptable. He''d be very sorry, I''d guess. Plus give everyone a good laugh.

lol! I would definitely try that one! He needs to learn and fast!

 

[door knob solitaire]

You did say ANY advice is appreciated...well, you opened the door for me...well, frankly I don't need an invitation to voice my opinion...JUST LOTS OF SPACE.

Ok girlie...going to turn the tables on you~

This is the problem your husband is having at his workplace. He has allowed this to continue...it is escalading to a point that he is changing his routine to avoid her...wearing different clothes so not to attract her...taking breaks and lunch at different times...makes him so frustrated he is writing to his cyber buddies...but he is still not doing anything about it.

You find out and the first thing out of your mouth is why didn't you confront her? Why didn't you tell her her comments were not approproiate directed at a happily married man father of a little tike? Don't you love me more than that? Don't you value our marriage enough to say something that may be uncomfortable to a coworker to express your respect you have for your wife?

Uh huh...you would say these things...YOU WOULD YOU WOULD YOU WOULD!!!!

The reason you are having a hard time with this is as girls we are taught to be mannerly, polite, kind, respectful of others feelings....BALONEY. This is your welfare we are talking about. Throw out polite mousey dainty bunk and tell this looser this is totally inappropriate. You have failed at nipping this in the bud...but it is your responsibility to stop it before you have a garden of nasty blooms and even worse...what this clown is planning. Trust me he is testing the waters and knows that you are going to be ripe for the taking.

I don't care how friendly or choregraphed or scripted others are advising you to handle this...this low life has spent all his good social graces and has no more deposits to withdrawal from. Look the creep right in the eye and firm and direct -not amousey voice- you speak with authority:

From this day forward I no longer want any form of inappropriate comments, looks, touches coming from you. I am a happilly married woman who honors my commentment and I respect my husbands feelings. My participation in any thing other than a work relationship with you is out of the question. You got it?

He knows WHAT you are referring to. You don't have to go over the list. There is no need that this be an open conversation. You are not polite...you do not have to pause and wait for his response. This is your family...your husband...your commitment...and even more your body. TAKE CONTROL.

Maisie...do it now.

DKS

 

[AGBF]

I continue to read your responses, Maisie. I think you have been wonderful to go to work and to continue to support your family through the difficulty of having a child tested for autism. As I read your assessment of your situation I sense that you feel you are on probation with everyone at work and must handle this perfectly.

For a moment look at it the way an outsider would. You are en employee there and on probation. You must show that you will show up on time; do your job efficiently; and continue to look and act as normal as you appeared to be when you were interviewed. That is what probation is about. No one, realistically, would expect you-as a married woman-to allow a co-worker to run his hand up your leg against your will! You have some rights! The only question is how you handle asserting your rights, and I think that quietly and firmly is best. You are a lady. Make the men there treat you like one.

I hope I am being supportive, not beating at you. You seem so alone there and I would like you to feel my virtual arm around you.

Deborah

 

[Maisie]

Date: 6/27/2007 3:57:55 PM
Author: door knob solitaire
You did say ANY advice is appreciated...well, you opened the door for me...well, frankly I don''t need an invitation to voice my opinion...JUST LOTS OF SPACE.

Ok girlie...going to turn the tables on you~

This is the problem your husband is having at his workplace. He has allowed this to continue...it is escalading to a point that he is changing his routine to avoid her...wearing different clothes so not to attract her...taking breaks and lunch at different times...makes him so frustrated he is writing to his cyber buddies...but he is still not doing anything about it.

You find out and the first thing out of your mouth is why didn''t you confront her? Why didn''t you tell her her comments were not approproiate directed at a happily married man father of a little tike? Don''t you love me more than that? Don''t you value our marriage enough to say something that may be uncomfortable to a coworker to express your respect you have for your wife?

Uh huh...you would say these things...YOU WOULD YOU WOULD YOU WOULD!!!!

The reason you are having a hard time with this is as girls we are taught to be mannerly, polite, kind, respectful of others feelings....BALONEY. This is your welfare we are talking about. Throw out polite mousey dainty bunk and tell this looser this is totally inappropriate. You have failed at nipping this in the bud...but it is your responsibility to stop it before you have a garden of nasty blooms and even worse...what this clown is planning. Trust me he is testing the waters and knows that you are going to be ripe for the taking.

I don''t care how friendly or choregraphed or scripted others are advising you to handle this...this low life has spent all his good social graces and has no more deposits to withdrawal from. Look the creep right in the eye and firm and direct -not amousey voice- you speak with authority:

From this day forward I no longer want any form of inappropriate comments, looks, touches coming from you. I am a happilly married woman who honors my commentment and I respect my husbands feelings. My participation in any thing other than a work relationship with you is out of the question. You got it?

He knows WHAT you are referring to. You don''t have to go over the list. There is no need that this be an open conversation. You are not polite...you do not have to pause and wait for his response. This is your family...your husband...your commitment...and even more your body. TAKE CONTROL.

Maisie...do it now.

DKS

DKS I always love reading your posts. You always have the balance between good fun and sensibility. You are right. I would I would I would say something if it was Gary complaining!
I did try going in to work with very little make up on. Made no difference to him! Our air conditioning doesn''t work properly upstairs and we are allowed to take our suit jacket off if we over heat. Not me though - I don''t dare.

I will say something. It has to stop before it goes too far.

I can''t believe he honestly thinks he has a chance with me, Yuk! I never stop talking about my husband and children.

 

[Maisie]

Date: 6/27/2007 4:00:39 PM
Author: AGBF

I continue to read your responses, Maisie. I think you have been wonderful to go to work and to continue to support your family through the difficulty of having a child tested for autism. As I read your assessment of your situation I sense that you feel you are on probation with everyone at work and must handle this perfectly.

For a moment look at it the way an outsider would. You are en employee there and on probation. You must show that you will show up on time; do your job efficiently; and continue to look and act as normal as you appeared to be when you were interviewed. That is what probation is about. No one, realistically, would expect you-as a married woman-to allow a co-worker to run his hand up your leg against your will! You have some rights! The only question is how you handle asserting your rights, and I think that quietly and firmly is best. You are a lady. Make the men there treat you like one.

I hope I am being supportive, not beating at you. You seem so alone there and I would like you to feel my virtual arm around you.

Deborah

I do feel supported by you Deborah. I really appreciate it.

I know that if it was my daughter, for example, going through the same stuff I would be furious and expect her to do something about it. In fact I would find it hard to stop myself going in there and telling him off myself. I really can''t understand why he thinks I am happy about this. I also can''t understand why everyone else isn''t bothered by him. Maybe he is testing me because I am new and he has already been told to back off by them.

 

[luckystar112]

Forgive me if anyone has already said this, but I would go to my supervisor for sure, and if they try to dismiss it, I would start keeping a log of everytime he said or did anything that was offensive to you. If that means you need to carry a voice recorder in your pocket or that you have to install a hidden camera in your office, than so be it. If you boss still thinks you''re being silly, threaten to sue! If all of that seems like too much work, than I would really just start trying to find another job.

 

[Maisie]

Date: 6/27/2007 4:49:51 PM
Author: luckystar112
Forgive me if anyone has already said this, but I would go to my supervisor for sure, and if they try to dismiss it, I would start keeping a log of everytime he said or did anything that was offensive to you. If that means you need to carry a voice recorder in your pocket or that you have to install a hidden camera in your office, than so be it. If you boss still thinks you''re being silly, threaten to sue! If all of that seems like too much work, than I would really just start trying to find another job.

I''m definitely going to tell him to stop. If he doesn''t I will speak to management. I really don''t want to lose my job. I have waited ages to get back into work and I won''t let this man ruin it for me.

 

[phoenixgirl]

Oh dear.

I am not the confrontational sort, but I also wouldn''t have let it get to this point. So that makes it tough for me to give you advice.

First off, divorce his sexual harrassment of you from his affair. Yes, they are both directly related to the fact that he is an immoral loser, but one is not causing the other here.

Secondly, he is pushing the envelope because the things he''s done so far . . . alluded to the fact that you want him, touched your thigh, mentioned your breasts in a derogatory way . . . he''s gotten away with. You haven''t stopped him. And so now the younger guy thinks it''s ok too.

You don''t "have a right" to be cross with someone who is sexually harrassing you?

You are correct that you must say something. I have a feeling that more than half the problem is your reticence to do so. I don''t think you''re working in some old boys'' club where they''ll laugh in your face then fire you if you ask not to be sexually harrassed. I simply think that you have not responded the correct way to these advances yet. Not wearing makeup didn''t work because this isn''t about how you look; this is about these men getting their jollies out of making you feel dirty.

When you receive a comment or look or touch from one of them, do not chuckle or look intimidated or meek. Look like you don''t think it''s funny. Look like you''d look at your son if he did something stupid. Look puzzled, like, "Are you such a pitiful human being that you really behave that way?" Then say what you need to say, smile in a curt way, and walk away quickly.

 

[HappyAnniversary]

How nasty and creepy. I am so sorry the dream job you were so excited about has this rotten aspect to it. You should not have to work in that environment. I do recommend documenting every physical action, inappropriate comments by date, time, location etc. I would sit down now and list all of the previous ones and guestimate when they were said/done. Best of luck to you . Anyone there to talk to to get their take on the matter or does everyone think it is ok? Do they not hear it, not believe it, not know it, not think it is bad? I can''t understand why other people in the office are tolerating it. But then again I live a sheltered life .