Another in-law sticky situation

[cate]

Did I mention this cross is four inches long? It's huge!

My FI has wanted to tell his mom to exchange it from the minute I opened it, but I wanted to wait to think it out. He didn't know it was a cross, either, until he saw it.

Still debating it.

SanDiegoLady, when you said "I'm actually kind of surprised that never came up in the past or that your fi hadnt mentioned it," who were you saying it to, Kaleigh or me? If me, I don't really understand what you meant.

 

[Novel]

This has gotten so interesting!

I know this can be so complicated in a relationship, and since I''m in the same kind of position, its something I think about a lot. For me, these things aren''t just about a piece of jewelry (or the tree ornament

) but also about understanding each other. I guess I see, to get to Madame Bijoux''s point, a different between a person of a more dominant (in terms of population) religion wearing a sign of a non-dominant religion and vice versa. I don''t think Catholics have to worry about allegations of assimilating to Judaism very often

. I work at a Jewish institution and one of my non-Jewish coworkers wears a chai because she likes it. I can understand that.

Oh, and about the tree: I''m totally cool with other Jews doing it if thats what they want. Lights are pretty!

 

[cate]

I used to work with a born-again Christian woman who used to constantly harass the non-Christians in our office. We''re a pretty diverse group (Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Wiccans, and Atheists). There''s a born-again Christian man in our group who respects everyone else''s choice of religion.

Anyway, this particular woman used to have Jewish stars all over her desk and would invite the Jewish co-workers to "Passover" at her church. These were all tactics to get us to convert. We felt offended at this misuse of our symbols and customs. When she wore a Star of David, it wasn''t because she liked it. It was because she wanted to appeal to her Jewish co-workers. (Ironically, this led to some of us becoming MORE involved in Judaism!)

On the other hand, I had a Christian friend who wore a Star of David and a cross at the same time because she was married to a Jewish man and wanted to show her unity with him. He wore a star and cross, too.

It''s a very personal thing and don''t think anyone should be made to feel compromised.

 

[cate]

Oops! In the above sentences, "When she wore a Star of David, it wasn''t because she liked it. It was because she wanted to appeal to her Jewish co-workers," what I meant to say is she wore the star to appeal to her Jewish co-workers to get them to convert. Just in case that wasn''t obvious.

Anyway, I am going to see a jeweler today about altering it to make it not look like a religious symbol. It is made up of segments, so they could just take out a couple segments on the bottom and turn it into an abstract design, which would be really nice.

 

[Novel]

That sounds like a nice decision! You keep the piece, but make it something you can wear without feeling guilty or compromised.

 

[cate]

I hope it works! It really is a pretty piece of jewelry. This way I could keep it, enjoy wearing it, have her know I''ll enjoy wearing it, and subtly give her the message that I''d rather not wear religious jewelry.

 

[Stone Hunter]

Date: 9/22/2009 2:39:04 PM
Author: cate
I hope it works! It really is a pretty piece of jewelry. This way I could keep it, enjoy wearing it, have her know I'll enjoy wearing it, and subtly give her the message that I'd rather not wear religious jewelry.

I don't know that subtle will work. This woman bought you a 4 inch long cross and doesn't know it's a cross. And she's a Christian? Maybe a little discussion is in order.

ETA: Sorry to sound so abrupt, I had to rush off. Anyway I think you need to mention that you liked it but had it altered and why! That could open up discussion.

 

[cate]

It''s hard to explain. It''s very abstract. It may not intentionally be a cross, but it has the shape of a cross. As I said, very hard to explain. She''s Catholic, but she''s not religious. I''m sure it didn''t even occur to her.

Anyway, the jeweler said it can''t be done. My fi wants me to tell her. He says she would want to get me something I would wear. The whole thing is so awkward.

I think everybody should just give gift checks.

 

[Novel]

Ugh, I''m sorry. That is a sticky situation. Do you think you can talk to her? If I can ask, what are you afraid of happening in the conversation, that you''ll hurt her feelings or make her feel bad for getting you something like this? You''ve tried or considered so many ways to spare her feelings...

 

[kama_s]

Hmm, tricky situation. I don''t know if this helps your situation much, but a lot of my mum''s Catholic friends gave me gold crosses as wedding gifts. I did recieve some awful gold jewelry from other relatives that I have full intention of melting and making it into something else, but it didn''t feel right to melt a cross. I ended up giving the crosses away to a few Catholic friends of mine. Meanwhile, I still sent a thank-you card for the gift to my mum''s friends.

If I were you, I would thank her for the gift and then tuck it away in my jewelry box. You don''t have to wear every jewelry gift you''ve received. My MIL has bought me jewelry on two separate occasions and it''s never been my taste. I thanked her profusely and it''s never come out of the closet since!

 

[lulu]

Frankly, I see this as a portent of things to come. Do the two of you plan on having kids? Do you intend to raise them in one religion or the other? What will future MIL say?

 

[Novel]

Date: 9/24/2009 9:46:42 PM
Author: lulu
Frankly, I see this as a portent of things to come. Do the two of you plan on having kids? Do you intend to raise them in one religion or the other? What will future MIL say?

I have to say ditto here...

 

[geckodani]

Date: 9/23/2009 7:58:20 PM
Author: cate
It''s hard to explain. It''s very abstract. It may not intentionally be a cross, but it has the shape of a cross. As I said, very hard to explain. She''s Catholic, but she''s not religious. I''m sure it didn''t even occur to her.

Anyway, the jeweler said it can''t be done. My fi wants me to tell her. He says she would want to get me something I would wear. The whole thing is so awkward.

I think everybody should just give gift checks.

I agree, LOL!

In this case though, I think you need to just tell her that you really do appreciate the thought, but you''d rather not wear religious jewelry.