Another "am I crazy?" post, or post ering unhappiness...

[eluetherio]

Sorry you are unhappy.

I think you should be open and express your feelings.

My GF keeps saying that she doesnt care if the diamond is tiny, that the setting doesnt matter and that she'd be happy with ANYTHING.

But we went ring shopping and I know what makes her eyes light up. I guess I could get her something basic and simple cuz like she said she would be happy with ANYTHING, but I wont. Simply because I would hate to have her feel like you do after I propose.

So that is why I think you should be honest with him. I am sure more then anything he wants you to be happy.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I had almost the same situation as you with my original engagement ring. I started plotting my new ring not soon after getting my original, which I adore for the sentiment but which is a) not a well cut gemstone b) not big enough for my taste c) a chunky poorly made setting. He did his best to get me what I wanted, I too gave him photos etc, but in the end I wanted something different. So I got a different ring!

I would advise you to keep your ring as it is -- get the setting fixed of course so it is safe, but keep it as is. Then, get a new ring together that meets your desires and needs, maybe not right now, but when you can afford it.

You will be too limited by the present setting if you try and swap the stone, and it is not the style you want anyways. So why keep the setting? It is not the pricey part of the ring anyhow if it is 14k. I originally tried to work with the gemstone I had by setting it into a 3 stone ring, but that just cost a lot of money but did not change the things that bothered me anyways.

I waited a few years to start fresh with a new ring, but I am happy I spoke to my husband and expressed my feelings.

You may want to start out by laying some ground work about the issue by telling him how important your ring is, how it is your only major piece of jewelery, how looking at it brings you so much pleasure (or should), maybe even setting the ground work for the idea of multiple rings that you wear depending on your mood. Express that jewelry is a hobby for you. That the ring is not the marriage, it is jewelery, and thus fashion and tastes come into play. Whatever underlying thoughts and feelings you might have that will help get him ready for the idea that you want a change for another ring.

Then just say straight out that you love him, adore him, love that he proposed and took the time to find your ring, but you would like a ring that is different in a few ways. PLain and simple. Go from there.

 

[Circe]

You have an excellent reason to have the ring remade in their error. Correcting the bezel while they're remaking it is no big deal. I'd say the gem is the bit that's potentially tricky ... but I'd also say it's the bit where it's important to be honest. Telling your husband that as long as you're having the ring remade, as the window bugs your inner perfectionist that you'd like to choose a new stone together shouldn't be such a big deal: perhaps you could keep the original to be set in a pendant for your first anniversary? That way you can keep the sentiment (and the window will be out of your sight).

P.S. - I understand your concern about being though a princess, but I learned everything I know about being honest about gifts from my incredibly picky husband, who blinked at the damascus steel and black MOP pocketknife I got him for is birthday the first year we were together and said "That's nice, honey, but it's really not *me.*" I was a little miffed at first, and then I got him something that actually made him happy. Much better for everyone concerned - I don't waste my money, and he doesn't have to pretend to like something he doesn't!

 

[MustangGal]

What metal was it supposed to be? Platinum, or just a higher karat gold? My first e-ring was 14kt, as are lots of people's rings. And 1 paycheck is still a hunk of money to spend on a ring. That's all mine cost, and it's my 5 year upgrade. Your stone should not be loose at this point, I'd get that checked out.

 

[bright&shiny]

I read your post and went on, but keep thinking about it - then it dawned on me: Although your concerns are all related to the ring, I can't help but think maybe the issues are that he didn't listen to you, honor your preferences, or value your passion (gems). Those might be much bigger problems to address - so maybe the ring is secondary in a way.... Just my 2 cents worth - I hope you can resolve it! Good Luck!

 

[athenaworth]

I read your post and went on, but keep thinking about it - then it dawned on me: Although your concerns are all related to the ring, I can't help but think maybe the issues are that he didn't listen to you, honor your preferences, or value your passion (gems). Those might be much bigger problems to address - so maybe the ring is secondary in a way.... Just my 2 cents worth - I hope you can resolve it! Good Luck!

Astute, and I kinda agree.

 

[yssie]

I read your post and went on, but keep thinking about it - then it dawned on me: Although your concerns are all related to the ring, I can't help but think maybe the issues are that he didn't listen to you, honor your preferences, or value your passion (gems). Those might be much bigger problems to address - so maybe the ring is secondary in a way.... Just my 2 cents worth - I hope you can resolve it! Good Luck!

Big ditto.

Talk to him. Make him understand how you feel, and why you feel how you feel. If it's not about the ring, really, these are issues that need to be addressed in any relationship - your feelings don't make you a bad person, and you're not in the wrong unless you don't bring them to his attention and do your part in putting things straight.

And...if it is just about the ring, still talk to him, because you're still not a bad person for feeling how you feel, and being honest enough to admit it to yourself. I'm quite sure your FI wants you to be happy, and while it does hurt when it feels like something so important to you was brushed off without the requisite homework, etc., I'm quite sure that's not what he intended to do!

 

[Melpomene]

This is the original poster 'Kalerian' but I was having trouble logging on. Actually, I originally wrote this post under the name IoLuna, but PS somehow changed my name and I can't log on as IoLuna???

Anyways, as an update, I was a chicken and didn't bring up the issue until today. I didn't go into too much detail about what I didn't like, I just expressed that there were things about it that were the opposite of what I really wanted. He already knew about the metal and the cut of the stone were not what I had wanted. We've decided to keep the original ring for sentimental reasons, but make a second one. It was so much easier to talk about it than I thought, and no tears, lol. Ysse, you are right, he does really want to make me happy. I think he was just really clueless about how important the ering is to me, although he knows I love gems and such. He figured I would be wearing the wedding band every day, not the ering. I can't wear my ering to work, but I had to explain I won't be doing this type of work for the rest of my life, and I want to wear my ering as much as possible FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Thank you all for understanding where I was coming from. Bright&Shiney, you totally hit the nail on the head. I couldn't put my finger on why it was upsetting me sooo much, when I knew that it's "just a ring", but it's NOT just a ring! It's also about the effort behind the ring. Your post pushed me over the edge to talk to him. I have learned from this that I really need to make myself clear when I really want something, not just hope that he understands it. Thank you all sooo much, and hopefully I will have a new ring in a few months to post photos of! I'm so excitied!!

So, Dreamer D, sounds like we are doing the same thing! I would like to thank everyone for their comments, I won;t list each name but I really appreciated each one. They were all insightful, thanks for making time to put words down for me.

 

[stone-cold11]

Congrats.

 

[tyty333]

I'm so glad you were able to work things out. Now this time (and in jewelry purchases in the future) stay as involved
as possible and get what you want.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Great!

This time around, take your time and think about what you *really* want. Save those pennies. It took me three years to get my dream diamond just right (upgrades and all that, still working on the setting), but worth every moment.

I wear my original ering as a RHR now and love it a lot! Since I now don't focus on its flaws, I am much better able to just appreciate it for what it is -- a beautiful piece of jewelry bought for me with love.

 

[vespergirl]

Don't feel bad about being unhappy - if you think that's bad, then I am really crazy, because my DH took me shopping & let me pick out the stone myself, only to grow disappointed with it within a few weeks. This was before I had ever done any research on diamonds, beyond "I want a 1.5 ct asscher cut." DH really wanted to get me a 2 ct RB solitaire, but I thought that RBs were boring, what all of his friends bought their wives.

Well, I picked out a 1.64 ct asscher, only to show it to people the day after I got it, and received comments like, "Is that almost a carat? I thought he would get you something bigger." Then I started doing research, and discovered that my stone was 6.2 mm (it was very deep), but I had actually wanted a 7.5 mm stone (the size of an RB 1.5 ct - I didn't know that asschers faced up smaller than RBs.)

So, I spoke to DH about it. Even though I HAD PICKED OUT THE DIAMOND MYSELF, and it's not what he wanted to get for me, he was a little hurt that I wanted to change it, but I really wasn't happy with it. So, he gave me the go ahead to swap it at our jeweler (we had a 100% upgrade policy). So, when he gave me permission to go, I went by myself the next week when he was out of town (he was working full-time & getting his MBA at the same time, so he was gone nearly every weekend, and never around when the jeweler was open). When I showed him my upgraded stone (that cost about the same price - I went down in color & clarity) he was then a little hurt that I went without him, even though I thought he would be fine with it since he told me it was OK to go back to the jeweler. However, that was 4 years ago, and now he's fine with my upgraded stone - in fact, he's paying for it to be reset right now at BGD.

Overall, the moral of the story is to be VERY DELICATE about it. Since your DF put some work into choosing the stone & setting, he may be a little hurt that you want to change it. HOWEVER, I would still upgrade it if I were you, since you will never be happy with the ring as is, and even if he is a little hurt, he will get over it.

I also understand what you mean about what he spent. I was married & engaged before I met my DH, so I had 2 previous engagement rings. My first husband refused to buy me a diamond because he thought they were stupid, so I chose a tanzanite ring. I had almost the EXACT problem that you did, that he totally changed the setting that I specifically requested, and also the stone was very shallow with a window in it (emerald cut). So, I wasn't really that happy with it, and to top it off, he went around bragging to everyone that he only spent $800 on the ring, when I knew that he could have afforded more. Not that that isn't a lot of money, but for my family/social circle where 1.5 - 2 ct diamond rings are the norm, it upset me, and made me feel like he didn't value me enough to spend as much as our family/friends spent on their wives' rings, especially since all he did was walk around bragging about how cheap it was

My second fiace had taken me ring shopping, and asked me to show him the rings that I liked - he told me that he wanted to get me a one carat diamond ring, and I could pick out the shape, and I was so excited about it. We looked together and my favorites were either an asscher or princess cut solitaire in platinum. A few months later he proposed with a one carat RB in a white gold setting. It was a truly beautiful ring, but not what I wanted at all - he knoew that RBs were one of my least favorite shapes at the time, and that I really wanted platinum (WG starts turning yellow with my skin chemistry very quickly). This guy kept bragging to me that the ring was $9000, but when I found the receipt (he left it on our dresser) I saw that he paid $6000 for it, and $9000 was the jeweler's appraisal price. The ring was beautiful and clearly special and valuable, so I have no idea what his motivation was for pretending that he paid more for it than he had, or why he told me a price at all, but it really irked me that he kept mentioning how much it cost, especially when I knew that he was lying about it. To me, the ring spoke for itself, it was clearly very beautiful, but it also always irked me that he specifically picked something that HE liked ( the RB) instead of the square shape that I liked. It actually turned out to be very indicative of how dismissive he was of me in other aspects of our relationship.

Anyway, sorry for writing a treatise here, I just wanted to empathize with you a little bit, so that you know that you're not crazy for having these feelings. Engagement rings are symbolic in our society, so it can be a real disappointment if they're not exacttly what we hoped them to be. Good luck talking to your FI!

 

[vespergirl]

Oh gosh, I just realized that you posted an update (didn't recognize the new screen name). I'm so glad for you that everything worked out & that you had a good conversation with your FI.

I should probably go back & delete my last post, but after how long it took me to write it, I just can't bear to do it.

 

[Melpomene]

lol, that's ok, I liked your post. It makes me feel less crazy.
I am glad I am not the only one who has gone thru something like this. I really didn't want to hurt him, because he did try, but I guess he found all the information to be too much and missed things he knew I didn't like. I really, really, tried to keep everything simple, but I guess if you just aren't into jewelry you just don't get it. I guess we know that about each other now. I feel so awful, I really, really, wanted to love it just the way it was. But I knew everytime I looked at it I just kept seeing the window, and the half bezel. It's 90% what I like, but that other 10% drives me crazy. I felt like I was lying everytime I put it on. He did tell me that he was hurt about it, but he came around to understanding that it just needed some tweaking to be perfect. And that I know he put a lot of effort into it, but I'm just a gemaholic. I hate that I couldn't just love it for the way it was. Sigh, sometimes I wish I never found pricesope!

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Truly, as someone said several posts back, people who love gems and jewelry cannot expect someone who doesn't to do justice to their requests. I ALWAYS pick out exactly what I want and my husband buys it! He is then happy that he could buy me something I love, and I don't have to pretend to like something that I don't. In this case, I am betting the jeweler encouraged him to make the changes and he just went along. We've seen disasters on here before with custom projects where the jeweler totally did not take into consideration the desires of the girl.

I know you've decided to keep the original ring, and that is good since it wasn't too expensive in the first place. But I'd take your time this time and find a setting you love and have the maker of it make you one like it. And definitely pick out your own stone! I wouldn't use this jeweler again because using the wrong metal should be justification to return it and also the bezel was not what you wanted at all.

 

[iheartscience]

Truly, as someone said several posts back, people who love gems and jewelry cannot expect someone who doesn't to do justice to their requests. I ALWAYS pick out exactly what I want and my husband buys it! He is then happy that he could buy me something I love, and I don't have to pretend to like something that I don't. In this case, I am betting the jeweler encouraged him to make the changes and he just went along. We've seen disasters on here before with custom projects where the jeweler totally did not take into consideration the desires of the girl.

I know you've decided to keep the original ring, and that is good since it wasn't too expensive in the first place. But I'd take your time this time and find a setting you love and have the maker of it make you one like it. And definitely pick out your own stone! I wouldn't use this jeweler again because using the wrong metal should be justification to return it and also the bezel was not what you wanted at all.

Ditto this. I'd use a new jeweler and take your time on this one.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Truly, as someone said several posts back, people who love gems and jewelry cannot expect someone who doesn't to do justice to their requests. I ALWAYS pick out exactly what I want and my husband buys it! He is then happy that he could buy me something I love, and I don't have to pretend to like something that I don't. In this case, I am betting the jeweler encouraged him to make the changes and he just went along. We've seen disasters on here before with custom projects where the jeweler totally did not take into consideration the desires of the girl.

I know you've decided to keep the original ring, and that is good since it wasn't too expensive in the first place. But I'd take your time this time and find a setting you love and have the maker of it make you one like it. And definitely pick out your own stone! I wouldn't use this jeweler again because using the wrong metal should be justification to return it and also the bezel was not what you wanted at all.

Ditto this. I'd use a new jeweler and take your time on this one.

Double ditto all of this too! Take your time! It will be worth it.

 

[IceExplorer]

edit/cancel

 

[Melpomene]

I am thinking along the same lines as you guys. I actually did call the jeweler back because I have seen work from the shop that was gorgeous (that's why my SO went there in the first place), but the desinger and I are just not on the same wavelength. He again pushed the original stone stating it would be extremely hard to find such a well cut stone (uhh, can he not see the window?!!). I mentioned that I knew a gem cutter that could provide me with a stone and he completely advised against it ....Funny thing is that when I visited the shop a few times before, this designer was my least favorite - I found him pushy and not as knowledgeable as the others. I can't remember what I asked him but it was something simple about metals and I knew he answered incorrectly. I also found that he pushed what he liked instead of listening to what I liked. When my SO told me which designer he worked with, I had a suspicion why things were not what I wanted, but my SO is not a push-over so this left me confused. As diamondseeker stated, it must of been designer pushing things on him and he went along with it thinking the designer knew better.

So I have decided to go with Micheal E and get a custom cut stone and custom platinum setting. He is going to try and recut my original stone and set it in a pendant (just as Circe suggested). As for taking my time with the setting, I have been researching rings for 4+ years now, so I know what I want. I am actually glad that I will be remaking the ring completely, because I can now get exactly what I wanted.

I just started the process with Micheal E, I should have some CADs to show in about a week! Wish me luck, lol!

I can't thank you all enough, you've helped me through a PSer's worst nightmare!

 

[Melpomene]

From a guy's perspective - - -

To start, I have almost the exact opposite situation as yourself. I have done TONS of research for the last 3-4 months, and plan to do 6+ more of looking and learning before I have to pull the trigger. In any case, my FF really would care less (she likes RB or Princess, solitaire or 3-stone) what the stone looks like, so long as it looks nice. It is just in my personality to research (sometimes too much) everything I buy to make sure I am getting what I want at the best price/value for the product.

It sounds like your guy, just guessing, possibly didn't know how much effort you really put into researching and finding things that not only you liked, but more importantly things that YOU DIDNT like. With rings/stones I think it is even more important to find things that you don't really like / hate versus those those you like or love. I say that because if you like something, and your FF gives it to you, I would bet 99% of the time you'll end up loving it. However, with your situation included, because you had such a specific idea of what you DIDNT LIKE (or in your case it seems like what you cannot even stand to look at!) it will eat at you if you don't tell him.

Dont get me wrong, the idea of telling the guy who just spent XXX.XX on you, regardless of how much money you thought he would/should spend, is not an easy proposition. If I give my FF an inexpensive gift for whatever I really really want her to like it, and I'm sure that he want's you not only to like, but more importantly LOVE your ring. The others on here have told you the right advice, you need to tell him your issues if you feel that passionate about your dislike for you given ring. HOWEVER - - - ** * * if this happened to me, I would of course be let down and feel like I (or the stuff I bought for her) wasn't good enough somehow. Given this, when you tell him, the absolute best way to do it is this I think. First, tell him how much you love him/the ring, and how much you appreciate his actions of getting a custom made ring made (even if you gave him all the details in the world, he still no doubt took considerable thought/time to make the decision and in the process of getting the ring). Second, I would approach it as, 'i'm not a material girl' (because no matter what it will probably come off a little bit this way despite the fact that you're probably not) but this ring is a sign of our love and commitment, something that will last us, and something that I will look at, every day of my life for the next 40-50-60 years! Tell him some of your complaints, in a very soft way, and then ASK him if he would mind if you got some changes to the ring 'to make it just perfect' - - When you get the changes made, make everything yours - and go house clearing on making sure your list of essentials is complete - - . REALLY long, but just know even if he's the toughest guy in the world, he will take SOME sort of offense to it, but its worth it in the end I think.

Sorry for the terribly long explanation but I think you needed it from a guys perspective and it sounds like you could use any advice/help you can get (even if it is terrible or too long in explanation!). Hope this helps, tell him, but be nice, make it seem like you're 'improving the ring' and not just throwing everything away and starting over, and be prepared to be VERY nice to him in the days following

I just wanted to say that this post was EXACLTY the way it went down. It's like redyns looked into our future, and my SO's reaction. If anyone is in my situation, FOLLOW THIS ADVICE!!! (and I'm an over-researcher too).

 

[bright&shiny]

I am so happy it has worked out so well for you! I can't wait to see the CADs. Congratulations on a great outcome!

 

[Sophie Asscher Lover]

This just all makes me glad that I spent three months looking for the perfect ring! (I chose it - my fiancé would never have chosen anyway!). Looking forward to seeing the new ring when it arrives! Good luck