Am I being a brat?

[Morgie44]

My husband and I got married a little over a month ago and we haven''t received a gift from my new SILs (husbands sisters) I know that it is rude to EXPECT gifts from anyone for getting married (or any occasion). It''s just that I am more than a little hurt by it. DH is very close to both his sisters, while my relationship with SILs is fairly tepid. Even though I know that they aren''t crazy about me marrying their brother, I still feel like they are intentionally slighting us...

I think what is making it sting so much is that DH''s family often expresses their affection by buying each other things rather than physically or verbally. At Christmas it almost seems like a competition of who can spend more on each other. Also, DH''s older sister had a baby this spring and the other sister gave her the crib and dresser as a gift and we gave her a really nice glider and ottoman for the nursery that we spent a lot of time visiting stores and shopping for and for the older sister''s wedding both DH and younger SIL gave equally expensive gifts (at her wedding shower). We have not even gotten a card or a verbal congratulations/recognition of our marriage. I feel so selfish and stupid for being so upset over a gift, but everytime I think about the situation, I feel like crying!

 

[sklingem]

Don''t guests typically have a year?!

 

[Bia]

You''re not being a brat - it''s understandable that you feel hurt.

You said you don''t have the greatest relationship with his sisters, so it sounds like maybe they aren''t going out of their way for you. To try and give them the benefit of the doubt, could it just be laziness on their part? Or maybe the one with the baby is really busy? I know, it sounds ridiculous. Really there is no excuse.

I''m not sure what advice to give but I will say this would hurt me too. It sucks when you make the effort with people and they don''t reciprocate. The more I think about it though, if this were me and this kind of stuff kept happening to me and my husband I would stop putting myself out there because they wouldn''t deserve my kindness and generosity.

Has your hubby thought to mention something to them? I am very close to my bro, so if he and his wife did this, you better believe I''d have something to say to him!

 

[violet3]

Date: 9/30/2009 8:49:25 PM
Author:Morgie44
My husband and I got married a little over a month ago and we haven't received a gift from my new SILs (husbands sisters) I know that it is rude to EXPECT gifts from anyone for getting married (or any occasion). It's just that I am more than a little hurt by it. DH is very close to both his sisters, while my relationship with SILs is fairly tepid. Even though I know that they aren't crazy about me marrying their brother, I still feel like they are intentionally slighting us...

I think what is making it sting so much is that DH's family often expresses their affection by buying each other things rather than physically or verbally. At Christmas it almost seems like a competition of who can spend more on each other. Also, DH's older sister had a baby this spring and the other sister gave her the crib and dresser as a gift and we gave her a really nice glider and ottoman for the nursery that we spent a lot of time visiting stores and shopping for and for the older sister's wedding both DH and younger SIL gave equally expensive gifts (at her wedding shower). We have not even gotten a card or a verbal congratulations/recognition of our marriage. I feel so selfish and stupid for being so upset over a gift, but everytime I think about the situation, I feel like crying!

Don't cry Morgie! I don't think you are being a brat, but i do think it's a little soon to get upset if you haven't yet received a gift. I don't always bring a gift to the wedding, but that's just me. Sometimes when i am under pressure right before, I don't like to just gift anything, so I wait until after.

Did the ladies not congratulate you at the wedding? if not, that would be strange....but if you are talking about after the wedding, i can't remember ever calling anyone to congratulate them after i attended the wedding and congratulated them there.

Hang in there - I am sure the gifts are on the way. It sounds to me like you are struggling with your relationship with these women, rather than the idea of not receiving a gift. Is there any reason why you don't really get along? Maybe this first year is a time that you could spend trying to get closer to them....if that's what you want. I am really sorry you are struggling with this issue at a time that should be so happy for you.

(hugs)

 

[Bia]

Date: 9/30/2009 8:51:58 PM
Author: rob09
Don't guests typically have a year?!

I don't know what proper wedding etiquette says, but waiting a year is stretching. Maybe a couple of months...even then.

With that said, for my brother and his new wife, that gift WOULD have been given (two months ago). Especially considering this family is all about the gift-giving.

eta: Morgie, I read this wrong. I thought you said a little over two months ago. Still I'm surprised they didn't give you a card at least. As violet said, give it some more time...a month isn't that long. Chin up

 

[brooklyngirl]

You are certainly not being a brat! It doesn''t sound like you''re upset about not receiving a gift, but rather the thought behind it. What does your DH have to say about this?

In your shoes I would be upset as well, if this does turn out to be intentional. It reads to me like they''re choosing a very mean, passive aggressive way of reminding you that you''re not welcome in their family. If this is indeed the case, I would NOT try to establish any sort of relationship with them, short of civility. Given their behavior they are not worth your time or energy, and certainly do not deserve your generosity.

But I have to stress that you need to be sure this was done on purpose.

 

[Morgie44]

Date: 9/30/2009 9:07:14 PM
Author: Bia
You''re not being a brat - it''s understandable that you feel hurt.

You said you don''t have the greatest relationship with his sisters, so it sounds like maybe they aren''t going out of their way for you. To try and give them the benefit of the doubt, could it just be laziness on their part? Or maybe the one with the baby is really busy? I know, it sounds ridiculous. Really there is no excuse.

I''m not sure what advice to give but I will say this would hurt me too. It sucks when you make the effort with people and they don''t reciprocate. The more I think about it though, if this were me and this kind of stuff kept happening to me and my husband I would stop putting myself out there because they wouldn''t deserve my kindness and generosity.

Has your hubby thought to mention something to them? I am very close to my bro, so if he and his wife did this, you better believe I''d have something to say to him!

I haven''t really discussed my being hurt by this with DH because situations with his sisters have become big blow ups in the past. While DH is really good about putting on a united front in front of his family he tends to usually jump to their defense when it is the two of us. Also, I know in my head that it is still sort of early... maybe I am just in the mood for a pity party tonight?

 

[Morgie44]

Date: 9/30/2009 9:07:36 PM
Author: violet3

Date: 9/30/2009 8:49:25 PM
Author:Morgie44
My husband and I got married a little over a month ago and we haven''t received a gift from my new SILs (husbands sisters) I know that it is rude to EXPECT gifts from anyone for getting married (or any occasion). It''s just that I am more than a little hurt by it. DH is very close to both his sisters, while my relationship with SILs is fairly tepid. Even though I know that they aren''t crazy about me marrying their brother, I still feel like they are intentionally slighting us...

I think what is making it sting so much is that DH''s family often expresses their affection by buying each other things rather than physically or verbally. At Christmas it almost seems like a competition of who can spend more on each other. Also, DH''s older sister had a baby this spring and the other sister gave her the crib and dresser as a gift and we gave her a really nice glider and ottoman for the nursery that we spent a lot of time visiting stores and shopping for and for the older sister''s wedding both DH and younger SIL gave equally expensive gifts (at her wedding shower). We have not even gotten a card or a verbal congratulations/recognition of our marriage. I feel so selfish and stupid for being so upset over a gift, but everytime I think about the situation, I feel like crying!

Don''t cry Morgie! I don''t think you are being a brat, but i do think it''s a little soon to get upset if you haven''t yet received a gift. I don''t always bring a gift to the wedding, but that''s just me. Sometimes when i am under pressure right before, I don''t like to just gift anything, so I wait until after. I know it hasn''t been THAT long, but it just seems like they would have mentioned something in passing, I mean we see them at least once a week, if not more...

Did the ladies not congratulate you at the wedding? if not, that would be strange....but if you are talking about after the wedding, i can''t remember ever calling anyone to congratulate them after i attended the wedding and congratulated them there. Nope not a peep...

Hang in there - I am sure the gifts are on the way. It sounds to me like you are struggling with your relationship with these women, rather than the idea of not receiving a gift. Is there any reason why you don''t really get along? Maybe this first year is a time that you could spend trying to get closer to them....if that''s what you want. I am really sorry you are struggling with this issue at a time that should be so happy for you. The relationship is definitely strained... there has been a lot of drama in the past ( a long story but in short, I was roommates with the younger sister and she introduced us, about 6 months into our relationship, I was put in a position where I was keeping a secret for SIL about some hurtful things that she was doing from DH and he confronted me about it, as our relationship was becoming serious, I didn''t want to lie to him so I told him the truth. When SIL found out it was pretty much the end of our relationship.

(hugs)

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think you need to bite the bullet and talk to your husband. This is his family and their actions are hurting you...if you don''t want to confront them yourself, then he''s the next best thing. He''s your partner.

While the average guest does have a year to send you a gift...they aren''t your run of mill guests. This is your family and they do need to step their game up on big occassions. Maybe with the new baby they have their wires crossed...but regardless, your wedding is as important as any other life changing event and needs to be acknowledged.

I would sit your DH down and calmly explain yourself and your feelings. Fill him in. If you''re rational and dealing in facts, how can he possibly argue that? Facts are facts, you know? I''m sure he knows they haven''t done anything for you two to celebrate your wedding, but men are different he may have the "live and let live" vibe going on in regards to this matter. Maybe he''s waiting it out. Who knows, you haven''t talked about it. And then again maybe all he needs is for you to be proactive and put the emphasis on the issue to step up and handle business. If the SIL''s say "hey, we came to the wedding and that''s enough--we''re not doing more for you" then so be it...but at least you''ll know where you stand.

((huge hugs)) this is a big deal to you...and ergo it''s a big deal and needs to be treated as such. Stand up for yourself...theres no time like now to lay down the law.

 

[violet3]

Date: 9/30/2009 10:07:42 PM
Author: Morgie44

Date: 9/30/2009 9:07:36 PM
Author: violet3

Date: 9/30/2009 8:49:25 PM
Author:Morgie44
My husband and I got married a little over a month ago and we haven''t received a gift from my new SILs (husbands sisters) I know that it is rude to EXPECT gifts from anyone for getting married (or any occasion). It''s just that I am more than a little hurt by it. DH is very close to both his sisters, while my relationship with SILs is fairly tepid. Even though I know that they aren''t crazy about me marrying their brother, I still feel like they are intentionally slighting us...

I think what is making it sting so much is that DH''s family often expresses their affection by buying each other things rather than physically or verbally. At Christmas it almost seems like a competition of who can spend more on each other. Also, DH''s older sister had a baby this spring and the other sister gave her the crib and dresser as a gift and we gave her a really nice glider and ottoman for the nursery that we spent a lot of time visiting stores and shopping for and for the older sister''s wedding both DH and younger SIL gave equally expensive gifts (at her wedding shower). We have not even gotten a card or a verbal congratulations/recognition of our marriage. I feel so selfish and stupid for being so upset over a gift, but everytime I think about the situation, I feel like crying!

Don''t cry Morgie! I don''t think you are being a brat, but i do think it''s a little soon to get upset if you haven''t yet received a gift. I don''t always bring a gift to the wedding, but that''s just me. Sometimes when i am under pressure right before, I don''t like to just gift anything, so I wait until after. I know it hasn''t been THAT long, but it just seems like they would have mentioned something in passing, I mean we see them at least once a week, if not more...

Did the ladies not congratulate you at the wedding? if not, that would be strange....but if you are talking about after the wedding, i can''t remember ever calling anyone to congratulate them after i attended the wedding and congratulated them there. Nope not a peep...

Hang in there - I am sure the gifts are on the way. It sounds to me like you are struggling with your relationship with these women, rather than the idea of not receiving a gift. Is there any reason why you don''t really get along? Maybe this first year is a time that you could spend trying to get closer to them....if that''s what you want. I am really sorry you are struggling with this issue at a time that should be so happy for you. The relationship is definitely strained... there has been a lot of drama in the past ( a long story but in short, I was roommates with the younger sister and she introduced us, about 6 months into our relationship, I was put in a position where I was keeping a secret for SIL about some hurtful things that she was doing from DH and he confronted me about it, as our relationship was becoming serious, I didn''t want to lie to him so I told him the truth. When SIL found out it was pretty much the end of our relationship.

(hugs)

Well, that just stinks. They''ve decided to completely ignore the fact that you two actually got married and forgot to say congratulations, both AT and AFTER your wedding? I find that really, really bizzare and completely mean spirited. I don''t know what kind of advice to offer you in terms of attempting to approaching that subject, particularly since your hubs is a bit defensive when it comes to these ladies.

How is your relationship with your MIL? Could you talk to her about it? (i''m guessing no....)

What does your own mom/friends/family say to do about this?

 

[cara]

Not a brat but... this is not the right thing to fixate on. Your intuitions *may* be absolutely correct, but since they technically have a year and haven''t done anything wrong yet this is not something to bring up with the sisters or have your husband bring up. Even if they end up not giving a gift, berating a gift out of them woln''t help the relationship.

I think it is completely legit to discuss your feelings with your husband, regarding the sisters not congratulating you or you not feeling welcomed and close, but take care not to put him in a position of defending them. If anything, these sisters are his family and his loss of closeness to them and their snubbing him is a bigger deal than you having a non-close relationship with these people. So you want to check on him, see if he''s feeling the coolness too, or if he worried about his relationship with them or feeling the loss and disapproval of his sisters.

It''d be different if the sisters were actively saying mean things to you or about you, or snubbing *you* specifically in a public way (like not bringing you a holiday gift when the other sibling''s spouses get gifts.) But this is more subtle and directed jointly at you and your husband, so since it is his family, I think you follow his lead and look out for his feelings first.

 

[that_someone_special]

Really? I''ve never heard of anyone doing the year thing. Is it common?

And yes, I understand where you''re coming from.

 

[cindygenit]

It is upsetting for sure but this shouldn't be bothering you at all. If they didn't congratulate you or DH, then shame on them. That is truly unclassy.

About the gift, I wouldn't think about it a second more. I would never expect a gift from anyone for my wedding, but that's just me. Be grateful for what you did get from other people who obviously care about you more than your SILs.

I suspect little SIL is still harboring hard feelings towards you for your "betrayal" to her, and the other SILs are of course on her side.

 

[CNOS128]

Aw, Morgie, I''m so sorry! And I can completely relate. My DH''s brother and SIL didn''t give us a gift for our wedding this past summer -- or even a card. They didn''t even mention it like our other giftless friends did ("Your gift is on it''s way, promise!"). I don''t care about the gift itself, just the thought. Make some effort for your new family member, you know?


BUT, I know that DH''s brother believes he doesn''t need to do any of his own gift-giving or congratulating, and he leaves that up to his wife (my SIL). And, well, SIL was really hostile throughout our whole wedding-planning process, and afterward as well. I think she was jealous of the attention I was getting, since she was used to being the only "girl" in the family. She had a wedding, and then she was pregnant, and she had a baby -- and for years, all the focus was on her. And she''s the kind of person who really wants to be the center of attention all the time.


Anyway, I could go on and on about my negative feelings toward my SIL (believe me, it''s one of my favorite things to do!), but my point is that people have all sorts of their OWN issues and feelings that prevent them from acting like nice, normal human beings. One thing I''ve learned from this is that sometime there''s nothing you can do about other people acting like jerks -- you have to try not to let it get to you. (I''m still working on that part).


Or, perhaps they are working on extra special gifts for you, and they are the sort who subscribe to that one year theory!


Hope you feel better!

 

[rhbgirl24]

I dont think you''re being a brat. I think you''re more upset of no recognition of the marriage/wedding over a physical gift! Geez, they could have at least sent a card, right?

 

[Morgie44]

style="WIDTH: 99%; HEIGHT: 99px">Date: 9/30/2009 10:13:29 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor

While the average guest does have a year to send you a gift...they aren''t your run of mill guests. This is your family and they do need to step their game up on big occassions. Maybe with the new baby they have their wires crossed...but regardless, your wedding is as important as any other life changing event and needs to be acknowledged.

Thanks, this is kind of what I was thinking... I don''t think it is something that should be brought up to the sister''s, in the same way that it wouldn''t be mentioned to any other guest, but I am definitely going to mention it to DH and see what he is thinking/feeling about it.

 

[Morgie44]

Violet3 - MIL does not speak English so are communications are pretty non-existent. When there have been issues in the past, MIL has been pretty neutral between us and the sisters.

 

[Bia]

Date: 9/30/2009 9:53:53 PM
Author: Morgie44

Date: 9/30/2009 9:07:14 PM
Author: Bia
You''re not being a brat - it''s understandable that you feel hurt.

You said you don''t have the greatest relationship with his sisters, so it sounds like maybe they aren''t going out of their way for you. To try and give them the benefit of the doubt, could it just be laziness on their part? Or maybe the one with the baby is really busy? I know, it sounds ridiculous. Really there is no excuse.

I''m not sure what advice to give but I will say this would hurt me too. It sucks when you make the effort with people and they don''t reciprocate. The more I think about it though, if this were me and this kind of stuff kept happening to me and my husband I would stop putting myself out there because they wouldn''t deserve my kindness and generosity.

Has your hubby thought to mention something to them? I am very close to my bro, so if he and his wife did this, you better believe I''d have something to say to him!

I haven''t really discussed my being hurt by this with DH because situations with his sisters have become big blow ups in the past. While DH is really good about putting on a united front in front of his family he tends to usually jump to their defense when it is the two of us. Also, I know in my head that it is still sort of early... maybe I am just in the mood for a pity party tonight?

I can see how this might happen, it happened to me with my FI in the past. In my case it had nothing to do with strained relationships because I''m close with my in-laws, but more personality differences. FI''s mother is very controlling and sometimes I have to put my foot down without his help. The good news is, I was able to talk to him and explain that as a married couple (or engaged in my case) it is important that we be partners. If something his mother does bothers me, he needs to respect my feelings (unless it is totally ridiculous) and try to help me fix the problem. Your DH needs to do the same. If you''re trying with his family but his sisters are making it impossible then maybe it''s time for him to talk to them. You are his wife after all.

To be honest, the fact that you and his younger sister were good friends would give me more ammo if anything.

Also, I don''t see this as you feeling sorry for yourself. These feelings are real if, in your heart, they feel real. Women usually are very intuitive about stuff like this, so if you say you''re getting the brush-off, you probably are. Keep trying with them (if you think they deserve it) and definitely don''t let your DH off the hook with this one.

 

[Morgie44]

style="WIDTH: 99%; HEIGHT: 353px">Date: 9/30/2009 11:46:58 PM
Author: cara
Not a brat but... this is not the right thing to fixate on. Your intuitions *may* be absolutely correct, but since they technically have a year and haven''t done anything wrong yet this is not something to bring up with the sisters or have your husband bring up. Even if they end up not giving a gift, berating a gift out of them woln''t help the relationship.
You are definitely right, I would never confront them about it nor ask/expect DH to. Even if it were over a year. It still makes me feel like crap though.

I think it is completely legit to discuss your feelings with your husband, regarding the sisters not congratulating you or you not feeling welcomed and close, but take care not to put him in a position of defending them. If anything, these sisters are his family and his loss of closeness to them and their snubbing him is a bigger deal than you having a non-close relationship with these people. So you want to check on him, see if he''s feeling the coolness too, or if he worried about his relationship with them or feeling the loss and disapproval of his sisters.

The thing is that he is still very close to both of them. He carpools to/from work with the younger and we live litteraly around the block from the other and we see her at least once a week and he usually goes over there by himself another time a week for dinner on days when he has school at night and I am not home until after he leaves for class. He is also very unwilling to recognize these things that I perceive as snubs and tells me I am ''trying to make him hate his family'' when i point them out. To him, (in the past at least) there is always some or another excuse as to why they did what they did to us. But when in similar situations with other people, they do exactly the "right" thing. He just doesn''t want to see it.

It''d be different if the sisters were actively saying mean things to you or about you, or snubbing *you* specifically in a public way (like not bringing you a holiday gift when the other sibling''s spouses get gifts.) But this is more subtle and directed jointly at you and your husband, so since it is his family, I think you follow his lead and look out for his feelings first.
The thing is that they would never ever do anything in a public way. They do it in subtle little passive aggressive ways that are easy for DH to excuse away. ( One sister suggested I hire someone to have all bridesmaids hair done, then when the time came to give the hair stylist the final count, neither sister wanted theirs done, even though I said that I would prefer that they do... I gave my BM''s an option to buy their dresses online or through the retail store but clearly stated they all needed to decide together. 2 people said to order online, no one else cared. I never received a response from them, until three days before the deadline to order the dresses, I hear they are both going to order through the store. They never directly told me this or that they didn''t feel comfortable ordering online, until it was too late to have all of the girls get to the store and order them. They have planned outings that include SIL and her husband, DH, and, the other SIL but not me because ''they didn''t think I would want to go''. Just stupid things that DH passes off at the time but as they pile up, become more and more hurtful to me.

 

[Morgie44]

Cindy- I know that it is ''wrong'' to expect a gift for any occasion, but you honestly wouldn''t be a little hurt if you spent an entire day shopping for a very expensive gift for someone (especially when trying to plan and save for a wedding we paid for all ourselves) That you wouldn''t even be a teensy bit hurt that when a similarly big occasion came around for you, you didn''t receive any recognition that the event even occured (verbal, card, OR gift).

Big T - I am so sorry you have a similar situation! It definitely is no fun... You are so right, I need to toughen up and not let these things get to me. It is just so hard!

 

[Bia]

Maybe I'm too cynical, but it sounds to me like your hubby is the one that needs a reality check. If he doesn't care enough to call them out on this type of passive aggressive behavior then...I don't know, but it doesn't look good imo.

One thing that struck me, when you said they make plans with him that don't include you - wtf?! That's just rude!

That he stands for it is even worse Morgie. You need to talk to him because you don't want this to be your life. And it will if you let it continue.

 

[Morgie44]

Bia - Thank you so much for taking the time to try to help me out on this.

While his behavior isn''t completely exceptable, the situation is a little bit complex because of his family background he is hispanic and has been raised since day one that family should be number 1 and when DH was young, his father''s family had some sort of huge blow up that has left part of the family not in contact with the rest for a long long time. It really tore FIL apart for a long time from what I understand. Whenever there are big arguments between DH and his siblings FIL gets really upset and emotional, which is part of the reason that DH is so afraid to stand up to them, because he doesn''t want to upset his dad. It is, though, the biggest, if not the only, major issue in our relationship and we have sought counciling to try and come to an understanding that works for both of us. It has definitely helped and we did confront the sisters together a few weeks after the dress incident (the most recent) It was a huge blow up, but we thought got everyone to a better place. This has been the first real incident since then...

 

[sparkly_stars]

i think it''s BS to say that someone wouldn''t expect a gift from family, or even a card, or a CONGRATULATIONS.
i don''t care what anyone says, in an attempt to show etiquette, etc etc.
i see people comment on these threads saying "i never expect a gift, i just wanted them to enjoy the day with me" etc, i can not imagine NOT giving a gift at a wedding, let alone a family members wedding. in return, i can''t imagine any of my family not giving a gift either.
after reading how the family is amongst themselves, i find it even harder to believe that "it slipped" it totally sounds intentional.
my husband is the same as yours, always giving people the benefit of the doubt, always defending etc. i would still tell him why this hurts me, and tell him exactly what you told us. this isn''t some long lost relative, this is CLOSE family.
CLOSE family that is competitive about gifts, might i add.

we didn''t want gifts at our wedding, because it was short notice, and i felt improper asking for anything- my mother told them just gift cards or cash because we were traveling 3000 miles to be home. that being said, i still think if my immediate family had done nothing, it would have been rude. (i don''t care if that makes ME rude for "expecting" something). i had a friend who was short on money around then (holidays), and i told him to get me NOTHING, because i wanted him there- but he didn''t like that so i told him to make us something, and he did.

point being, a gesture (card, gift, money, hand MADE gift, ANYTHING) should be given from someone in your immediate family. and to sit here and say that i wouldn''t be hurt if they didn''t do anything...i''d be sitting here a liar!

i''m sorry this turned out so long! ha ha. (i guess i''m just tired of people sitting here putting others down telling them its improper to feel hurt for "expecting" a gift, etc)

 

[Bia]

Date: 10/1/2009 12:07:06 PM
Author: Morgie44
Bia - Thank you so much for taking the time to try to help me out on this.

While his behavior isn''t completely exceptable, the situation is a little bit complex because of his family background he is hispanic and has been raised since day one that family should be number 1 and when DH was young, his father''s family had some sort of huge blow up that has left part of the family not in contact with the rest for a long long time. It really tore FIL apart for a long time from what I understand. Whenever there are big arguments between DH and his siblings FIL gets really upset and emotional, which is part of the reason that DH is so afraid to stand up to them, because he doesn''t want to upset his dad. It is, though, the biggest, if not the only, major issue in our relationship and we have sought counciling to try and come to an understanding that works for both of us. It has definitely helped and we did confront the sisters together a few weeks after the dress incident (the most recent) It was a huge blow up, but we thought got everyone to a better place. This has been the first real incident since then...

Honey, I get it, trust me! I am also Hispanic and I come from a very close-knit family. Where moms is Queen Bee and little bro is the prince

LOL Seriously!

But really, my brother and I are closer than the average brother and sister, that I know personally. We''re also the best of friends. BUT when he got married, I had to take a step back.

It goes both ways. I remember one day, right before my bro got married, my SIL and I were talking (bonding, I guess you could say), and she told me about a "situation" that happened when they first moved in together. She asked him why he always had to run everything by me like I was his mother. He told her "Because she''s my big sister and I want her opinion." He also told her right after, "I need you to know this, incase you don''t already know...If you can''t handle me being close to my family, we''re not going to last." She understood and she supports the love he has for his family. Thank God.

But Morgie, here''s the thing, he also had to tell my family (really my mother), in not so many words, "My wife is my wife, and she comes first." My brother stepped up to the plate in that regard. Your husband has to be a grown up and do the same. There is no excuse. I see the extreme cases on boths ends ALL the time. I have cousins who let their parents walk all over their wives, and the wives allow it. Then I have cousins who have gone the other way - they married women who want nothing to do with the family, and so they shut their parents out (very sad). IMO, both are wrong. You have to find balance. But believe this, no matter what, he has to put you first. If you allow him to keep putting his family first, you''re in for a lifetime of this. Believe me, it doesn''t change because I''ve seen it firsthand.

 

[Morgie44]

Bia - He has said all of those things to them, more than once. They either excuse away their behavior or apologize half heartedly. Then turn around and pull some other stunt. I guess why I don''t really push the issue of him confronting them anymore is that at the end of the day, he can control his actions and I can control my actions, but neither of us has any control over what SIL''s say/do. Aside from cutting them out of his life, which I would never expect for him to do, not only because it is crazy extreme, but because I think it would hurt DH more than it would hurt them because they still have each other.

I think I just need to toughen up and not let it get to me when they behave so rudely, because they are never going to change it seems no matter how much effort we put in.

Sparklystars- That is pretty much how I feel, but didn''t want to come out and say it so blatantly so thank you. I know philosophically it is wrong to expect something from someone when gifts are supposed to be from the giver if they feel inclined. But I think it should come down to when your sibling gets married you SHOULD feel so inclined.

 

[zipzapgirl]

Morgie,

I think you definitely have a right to feel disappointed in your in-laws'' behavior. They are close family and they customarily give gifts to each other at major life events--having your event as the only one that was unrecognized is not cool. And i agree with the last comment posted. It''s totally NOT about the gift, but about the thought and the effort.

With that said, I don''t think that you are going to come off very well with DH, his family or anyone else if you voice these feelings. They have a tendency to come off all wrong and make you sound self-centered and selfish. Just playing devil''s advocate here, but it twists very easily into "Morgie doesn''t care about anything but the gift...Morgie is selfish..." and it sounds like those sisters have a gift for seeing you in the wrong light, so I wouldn''t give them the ammunition.

I think that you might make the argument to DH that you are absolutely not trying to distance him from his family, but that he needs to help you keep the sisters in line. Make sure he knows that this is not threatening the relationship in any way, but readjusting it so that it gets better. The family seems to have some bad memories of this long-ago family falling out and they will be especially sensitive about anyone or anything that threatens to come between them. Remember, branches that sway in the wind withstand storms; branches that don''t, break.

We all have family members who try to push the boundaries, test the limits, and test us to see what they can get away with. So far, these sisters are getting away with rolling over you and DH is making their excuses for them. The point is, they do not have to LIKE you, but they do need to RESPECT you as a person and as DH''s wife. Your DH needs to be able to poke them if they start to let that fall.

It sounds like a tough situation, especially since the family is so tight. Hang in there and don''t let those girls get to you too much. They want a rise out of you and to cause problems with you and DH, and make you look like the bad one all the way around, so try not to let them get what they want.

 

[Bia]

Date: 10/1/2009 1:13:45 PM
Author: Morgie44
Bia - He has said all of those things to them, more than once. They either excuse away their behavior or apologize half heartedly. Then turn around and pull some other stunt. I guess why I don't really push the issue of him confronting them anymore is that at the end of the day, he can control his actions and I can control my actions, but neither of us has any control over what SIL's say/do. Aside from cutting them out of his life, which I would never expect for him to do, not only because it is crazy extreme, but because I think it would hurt DH more than it would hurt them because they still have each other.

I think I just need to toughen up and not let it get to me when they behave so rudely, because they are never going to change it seems no matter how much effort we put in.

From your posts, I was under the impression that he was defending his family more often than not. If he is letting them know that you come first and they still don't back down, then you're right, there isn't much else you can do. I'm really sorry...they sound like a tough group.

I guess the best thing to do is, exactly as you said, try and not let it bother you anymore. It's really too bad, but I do hope for your sake and his that it gets better.

 

[LadyBlue]

I have a good relationship with my DH family, they are very nice and I think they like me

. But we did not got any gift from his 2 sisters and his parents

. More than hurt I was very surprise, I did ask my DH why does he think that happen, and he did not know, I even think he felt a bit embarrassed about the whole situation.

I had never felt sad about the gift situation. Of course I would had loved to have a gift

, but we don''t really need anything so that does not really matter.

I think the biggest problem here is that you feel that they don''t like you. I hope they change any time soon, since now you are part of the family.

etc. I''m Hispanic too, and my Family is my Family. I love my DH, but I will not be happy if he critizase my sister, even if she did something wrong.

. As well I will not let my family talk bad about DH. I will tried to let this gift thing go, and tried to focus more in be part of the family.

 

[cindygenit]

Date: 10/1/2009 10:36:10 AM
Author: Morgie44
Cindy- I know that it is ''wrong'' to expect a gift for any occasion, but you honestly wouldn''t be a little hurt if you spent an entire day shopping for a very expensive gift for someone (especially when trying to plan and save for a wedding we paid for all ourselves) That you wouldn''t even be a teensy bit hurt that when a similarly big occasion came around for you, you didn''t receive any recognition that the event even occured (verbal, card, OR gift).

Big T - I am so sorry you have a similar situation! It definitely is no fun... You are so right, I need to toughen up and not let these things get to me. It is just so hard!

I know, it sucks that you spent a lot of time, energy and money shopping for THEIR gift and they didn''t do the same for your wedding. BUT be the better person and move on.


Morgie, i would definitely be hurt that they didn''t congratulate me during the wedding. I think you need to speak with DH about how you feel. I still think that you should forget about the gift and instead try to resolve emotional issues you have with them.

 

[Haven]

Everything I''ve ever read and been taught says that it is acceptable for guests to give a gift anywhere between the time when they first hear of the wedding (assuming they are sure they''ll be invited) up until the actual wedding day.

I have never heard that guests have a year to give a gift. Certainly it isn''t something that any credible etiquette mavens would condone.

As for your situation, I''d like to ditto Cara''s post.