Advice/new approaches on a problem

[Squirrly]

my FF''s cold feet have become frozen solid, and while the talk we had recently has helped for now the problem is pretty deep and i need some ideas on how to approach it.

FF''s mom has been divorced twice, both his siblings and favorite aunt and uncle have almost divorced, at least 3 of his friends have divorced in the past year, and from what he sees, his best friend''s marriage is unhealthy. the only really good relationship he''s known in he family has been his grandparents, and he knows about 3 married couples who seem to be alright however they are no longer stationed anywhere near him.

so we have talked and figured out that it''s not marrying me he''s scared of but marriage in general. however we''ve had the same make-or-break conversation at least twice this year with me giving the same answers to his same fears, and both times we''ve talked through it and he''s felt much better and happier afterward, but i know this isn''t a permanent solution and the problem is much deeper than i''m able to reach.

as far as my family goes, there''s only been one divorce aside from my great-grandma, and i only found out about that a year ago. my uncle remarried when i was younger and has been happily with my aunt ever since, so i understand why FF is so scared but i don''t have the same history and can''t truly understand how deep this hurt is and what i can do to help other than continuing to love him and constant communication.

FF and i are 14 hours apart and i''m on a student''s budget and can''t afford to fly out to see him very often. he flys me out as much as he can afford, but he only has so many days of leave a year and can''t come visit too often. he''s also going to a school in texas soon for new job training and will need to focus on studying so we won''t be bale to talk as much. i can visit but not often and can''t risk distracting him from his studies too much, and while he''s there he can''t take leave. we talk everyday, and we do have webcams, but between my jobs and his work it''s mostly talking for a couple hours at night before we go to bed.

so any ideas on another angle to approach this? i''m hoping i can find something more effective at healing this than what we''ve been doing, but until then nightly discussions it is

 

[havernell]

Perhaps it''s hard for your boyfriend to imagine marriage because you are long distance/ don''t have an every day type of relationship currently. It sounds like getting engaged now really isn''t an option for you two anyway, since you both still have important schooling to undertake that will keep you hours apart for at least a few years, so I don''t think you should be worried too much right now about his reservations about marriage. Once you have lived close to each other for a while and are nearer to being ready to settle down together, then I think you (or he individually) can have some real discussions *with a relationship counselor* about his fears. Please don''t feel like you need to be the one to "fix" this problem for him. A therapist/someone trained in this sort of thing is likely more qualified to help your boyfriend work through his fear of divorce.

Best of luck to you both!

 

[Squirrly]

thank you very much havernell

schooling wise i graduate in december, and that''s when his job training will be finished and he will either be re-stationed or deployed, and we won''t find out until then. since i am graduating soonish we''re trying to figure this out so i know if i should mostly look for jobs where he ends up because we will be living together in the near future (we''d get on-base housing if married) or if i should look for jobs everywhere.
the whole uncertainty with timelines and future with military life is rather frustrating at times, but generally i wouldn''t trade it for the world. the other issue with why we''re trying to work on it so soon is that he just re-enlisted so he''s in for at least another four years, at which point he will decide whether or not to make a career of military life. he and i both enjoy travel and he plans on changing bases every two years or so, which would also make finding a job near him after graduation if we''re not married difficult because i could not afford to pack up and move every two years and hope that i could transfer into another job and have benefits immediately. he also would very much prefer that i not go uninsured and that i have good insurance, and as much as i like to argue my ''perfect health'' i know he''s right.
the therapy idea is wonderful, i hadn''t considered that and i''ll mention it to him tomorrow (he knows all bout this and is kinda excited to have new opinions on the matter, he''s ready to not be scared anymore)
as for counseling, we would love to in person, but with both of us being ready to move onto the next phase of our lives in 6ish months, we''d like to get a head start. and although i know there''s a lot he will have to do himself on this, i want to know what i can do to help him through this and he''s not alone. well he knows that but i suppose i want that to be something he can latch onto even when he''s most scared

 

[jcarlylew]

imho, he either needs to do personal counciling, or find a mentor in why marriage can be wonderful thing, even if (not you guys, but for his side of the fmily) the first time around doesnt work.

good luck to you both -hugs-

 

[tyty333]

Hi Squirrly,
You didnt comment on how long you guys have been together. How long have you been in the same place together and
how long have you been dating long distance?

Sounds like he has some very difficult decisions to make in the next 4 years (whether he wants to make a
career out of the military or not). How often would he be transferred in those 4 years? Just once or could it
be lots more? No need to move anywhere if he is going to be deploved. That would actually buy you some
time. If he is going to be re-stationed can you wait and find out how long it will be? If its only for a short
time I see no reason to move there. Wait till he gets a post that is for a longer period of time for you to go. Do you
actually know that you guys will be getting married? I just hate to see you maybe compromising your career
for something that may not be a sure thing.

Military life can be hard on a couple. Maybe thats why some of his friends do not have a good relationship. What are
the chances of him getting out and finding a job after those 4 years?

Sorry, I dont have any good advice at this point. Still need more info. Hopfully I have given you a few things to think
about though

Best of luck

 

[Squirrly]

thanks tyty, here''s the info you requested:

we''ve been together about two and a half years, and about 2-3 weeks after we started dating he went to iraq for nine months. we see each other as often as schedules/money allows, generally in october for the ball, nov for thanksgiving weekend since we both get 4 days off, and for a week to a week and a half after christmas (new year''s is our anniversary). last year i spent a week living with his family over the summer, but i can''t plan on visiting him this summer until we know how the school works. i didn''t get to visit during spring break this year, but i will see him in just under 2 weeks since our summer plans got changed.

he could be stationed back in NC after the school, or anywhere else on either coast, hawaii, japan, on a ship, or deployed. we won''t find out until december so we''re trying to prepare for most anything. if he is deployed eloping is something we''re considering so i''d have more rights in the event the worst happens (not the nicest to think about but unfortunately necessary). regardless of where he gets stationed, deployment is always a future option, the only reason he can''t be deployed right now is that he hasn''t been trained for his new job yet.

whether or not he''ll stay in won''t be decided until 4 years from now. he likes what he is doing so far, but he won''t really know until he''s been fully trained and settles into the new position. (sorry i''m not being more specific, when it comes to internet postings of personal things in the military, such as location and job description i''m not sure what i can and can''t say, and when it gets to deployment there''s even less specifics i can give)
with my student loans coming back to haunt me starting about a year from now, unless we get married i''m going to have to find the best financial options for me (transferring to a private college was not the smartest move fiscally) so we''re probably stuck in a long distance relationship til marriage which sucks but since he has no problem talking as much as 6 hours a day to me, so long as we both have time, it''s not nearly as hard as it could be.

we''ve been planning our wedding for going on a year and a half now, with the specifics falling more into place recently. we found some marriage counseling questions churches had posted online and went through them together and we both thought they were fun.
up until recently we had planned on getting married in late may 2010. he was supposed to go to this school in january of next year and we''d get married once he was finished, hopefully over memorial weekend because most everyone gets an extended weekend. it also gave me time to put together details and save up for everything. i''m a music major so music is well taken care of, i have a baker for a friend so i know where to get a cake, and between family and friends photography, videography, flowers and decorations are mostly taken care of. on one of his visits here we visited churches connected to my family and we agreed on which one we want to get married in and he took pictures home to his mom and showed her. (both families know we''re planning on marriage, his mom''s started getting up presents

and i have a pretty little promise ring)

so why the cold feet after all this discussion? just because of how close it''s become has made the situation more real and the usual pre-engagement jitters (he had plans for this summer that got blown up on him) with the added stress of everything changing so quickly got to him and dug up the emotional trauma he''s had with divorces/bad marriages from growing up. i know he''ll calm down as things start to settle and he knows more about where he''s going and such, but apparently this fear about marriage goes deeper than either of us thought it did, so it''s good to find out now but it''s the what to do next that we''re working on. and he does still want to get married and would like to try for next year, we just need to get enough of this worked out so he can enjoy it and not hyperventilate before the ceremony

long post but i hope it helps clarify things a bit more