Advice from teachers (and parents), please

[darkeyesredshoes]

I am an elementary school teacher, and today I found out that one of my students passed away. I was her most recent teacher and am heartbroken.

I found out from a parent of one of my other students, and I told her that I would take care of contacting the school. I called my principal and she is going to handle letting the teachers know.

This has never happened to me before, and I''m at a loss for what to do. I will attend the services when I find out where and when they''ll be, and my dad (another teacher) recommended that the principal and I visit the family if they are open to it.

What do I do? Has this happened to anybody else? It''s summer vacation - which will probably make the news less traumatic but also less real for the other students, as they are very young - but I''m not sure how else I can support my students and their families. I have a very good relationship with the family, but I don''t want to overstep during such a horrible time.

Teachers, has this ever happened to you? What did you do? Parents, what would you want the teacher to do?

 

[Lynnie]

How sad

Maybe you could take up a collection from the faculty and send a nice floral display to the funeral? I''m sorry, I don''t really have any other suggestions. I never know what to do or say when someone dies, and a child''s death just take it to another level...

 

[neatfreak]

Well as a parent just knowing you care would mean a lot. Maybe bring over a meal they can heat at their leisure and attend the services. I don''t mean this negatively but unless you were close with the family before you are just the kid''s teacher-which to some families means a lot and some it doesn''t. So I would be careful not to overstep personally...if you were close with the family that is another story.

I''m so sorry to hear that.

 

[Jelly]

I''m so sorry to hear about that! I''ve been teaching for 9 years and this hasn''t happened to me, but it has happened to former students of my school.

There is no easy way to break this tragic news.

You may want to think about some sort of memorial tribute to the girl. Perhaps planting a tree in her honor? Or raise money and make a donation related to the way she passed (i.e. donation to cancer awareness, drunk driving, children''s hospital, etc) Adding a swing or piece of play equipment in the playground with a plaque nearby with her name.

I''m a music teacher and I have heard about folks comissioning a piece of music to be written in the honor of a student who has passed on. Once again, I''m so sorry.

 

[Haven]

I''m so sorry to hear this, DarkEyes.

I send a condolence card, and depending on the family, a hot meal. I don''t visit the family unless they are having an arranged visitation period, and I only go to the funeral if I was close with the student.

There is usually a family friend, community member, or church member who arranges the meals or takes up a collection to which you can contribute.

Again, I''m so sorry. It''s heartbreaking to outlive a child.

 

[KimberlyH]

No great ideas (I like the thought of the school planting a tree in the students'' honor), just wanted to say I''m so sorry. A child at the school where I taught last year was hospitalized with leukemia and it was very difficult for her peers and teacher. My best to you and all those mourning.

 

[Elegant]

Hi,

I had a student whose mother passed away from brain cancer towards the end of the school year. I went to the funeral - that was actually my first ever funeral, but I had to show her that I supported her and wanted to be there for her.

My advice, if you feel comfortable, is to go to the wake/funeral or whatever if it is an open funeral to show your support to the parents. The one I went to was open invite which allowed me to get a substitute teacher and go. That was the first time that had happened to me, but never with a student. I am so sorry. It must hurt. I was told not to tell my students about it and that they would find out sooner or later through word of mouth or by her when she was ready to spread the news and let people know.

I'm undecided - on one hand I think the principal should make the calls, etc. and let the parents of the children in your class know, not you.

I also agree with what Haven said.

Elegant

 

[darkeyesredshoes]

Thank you so much, Lynnie, neatfreak, Jelly, Haven, KimberlyH, & Elegant for your sympathy and thoughts. I teach very young students and feel so protective of them that this just floored me. Based on your thoughts, I will send a card expressing my condolences and attend the services with my administrators. A close friend of the family (another of my kids'' parents) has taken the lead on emailing the rest of the families - we all regularly communicated by email throughout the year, so this is no big surprise - and is going to let everybody know about the services when they are scheduled. I''ll feel things out and maybe deliver a meal or something once I''ve spoken with her parents and see how they are doing. I don''t want them to feel overwhelmed or intrude upon them.

One of my friends who teaches at another school recommended that I reply to the group of families via email with some resources and books to share with their children if they are looking for ways to help them cope. I''m off to search for some books now, because I''ve never had to address this before. I''m grateful for that...

In September, we will work with the kids toward planning and raising funds for a memorial. We have a special playground for the youngest kids, so a tree or a bench there would be a great way to remember her.

Thank you again. This is the last thing I ever would''ve expected to happen this summer, and I appreciate all of your thoughts and advice so much.

 

[swingirl]

My daughter''s friend passed away several years ago and my daughter wrote the family a letter about a funny incident that happened to this girl and my daughter. She later heard from the parents that the letter was really appreciated because my daughter shared a little piece of their daughter that they hadn''t known about.

Maybe you could write down a memory that you have about this student--something that happened in class or a special moment. I find making food too personal and flower get left behind.

 

[Sabine]

I''m so sorry to hear this. Unfortunately, I had 2 students pass away in the past 2 years, and it is just heartbreaking. I personally wouldn''t feel comfortable visiting the family, but I attended the services, and wrote somewhat long, heartfelt notes about the kids in cards. I also collected any work that I had of the students to give to the parents (but it was sent through the school).

 

[somethingshiny]

I''m so sorry, how devastating.

I have a family member with a very sick child. He''s 6 years old and attends school. He has already outlived all the doctors expectations. Because everyone is aware of what the issues are, the teacher visits regularly and will continue to visit after he starts the next grade. I realize this is different than what you''re going through, but my family takes comfort in knowing that one of the people he loves most loves him just as much and shows it, ya know??

Also, last fall my family suffered a tragic car accident which killed my aunt and left 3 cousins seriously injured. Their teachers came to the ICU and to their home when they eventually got there. A substitute was assigned for the kids to keep up (which was another cousin...we have a big family..) but their regular teachers still came to check on them once a week.

Two of my classmates were killed in a car accident and in honor of them, the school started a scholarship fund in their name. I don''t know if the teachers did any visiting, but I know both moms came in regularly to talk to the teachers.

I think the bottom line is teachers are VERY important people in a child''s life. DO what you feel is appropriate for that relationship.

 

[GoingCrazy29]

I am so sorry for your loss. I think you are taking the right steps at the present time. I would like to suggest reading some of Dr. Sally Downham Miller's work. She was a principal in the school district I taught in, but is one of the leading experts on grief in the school systems.

Here are her two books, I believe Mourning and Dancing for Schools would be very beneficial for your school staff. She is an amazing person and has been such a help during difficult times such as this. Here is a brief bio of Sally. I hope this helps.

 

[darkeyesredshoes]

I''m sorry for not responding earlier. Things have been crazy. Swingirl, Sabine, SomethingShiny, and GoingCrazy29, thank you so much. I attended the service today, and I will write them a card with some personal memories and mail it off or hand deliver it when I visit them at home. They will be entertaining many guests at their home in the next few days, so I will bake something to bring along because I''m sure there will be people around to eat it. I just don''t want to show up empty-handed.

I decided to redirect my energy into helping organize a parent meeting to help the other families decide how to share this news with their kids. I''ve been doing lots of reading on the subject (and will keep doing so, thanks GoingCrazy29) and have contacted a prominent child grief counselor to join us at the meeting and answer the parents'' questions. I''m also trying to get my former students together to draw pictures and write letters about their memories, and we will give these to the bereaved parents.

Thank you again for all your kind words. This has been so unexpected and awful, and your words help.

 

[whitby_2773]

Date: 7/14/2009 9:08:20 PM
Author: darkeyesredshoes
I'm sorry for not responding earlier. Things have been crazy. Swingirl, Sabine, SomethingShiny, and GoingCrazy29, thank you so much. I attended the service today, and I will write them a card with some personal memories and mail it off or hand deliver it when I visit them at home. They will be entertaining many guests at their home in the next few days, so I will bake something to bring along because I'm sure there will be people around to eat it. I just don't want to show up empty-handed.


I decided to redirect my energy into helping organize a parent meeting to help the other families decide how to share this news with their kids. I've been doing lots of reading on the subject (and will keep doing so, thanks GoingCrazy29) and have contacted a prominent child grief counselor to join us at the meeting and answer the parents' questions. I'm also trying to get my former students together to draw pictures and write letters about their memories, and we will give these to the bereaved parents.


Thank you again for all your kind words. This has been so unexpected and awful, and your words help.

nicely done, darkeyesredshoes.

i'd second sabine's recommendation that you make sure all your student's work is returned to their parents.

i'm so sorry for this situation, darkeyesredshoes; the death of a child is never less than deeply tragic.

 

[darkeyesredshoes]

Thanks, Whitby. Sabine is absolutely right, but school ended a few weeks ago and all of the students took their work home with them. Otherwise I definitely would. I appreciate your time and thoughts...