Acceptance

[missy]

This has been touched on a number of times in different threads.

A part of getting older and growing up and becoming an adult and growing as an adult is acceptance. Acceptance of things we cannot change. Acceptance of things beyond our control. Acceptance of unpleasant facts and experiences. And so on and so forth.

Just today I have been thinking about this. Thinking about how hard it can be to just accept certain things in one's life and even in other's lives. Our loved ones for whom we wish only good things but we know life doesn't work like that. There is not just the good. There is the bad and all the stuff in between.

That oft used quote "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference" comes to mind of course. But it's easier said (written) than done. Truth be told.

What are your thoughts? What unpleasant (if you wish to share) experiences/facts have you made peace with in life? And what have you been able to change that you thought at first was not possible?

 

[missy]

There are many things I have come to accept because I have had no other choice. Truly no other choice. So many things. First and foremost at this time is the acceptance of the death of my loved ones. Most recently and most impactful is the death of our sweet little black kitty girl Francesca. And our sweet boy Fred. I have gone on too much about their loss in previous threads but in order to be true to this thread I am adding them as they are the number one hard fact for me to accept but of course there is no other choice. They are gone and I have to make peace with that.

Second fact that is hard to accept is health issues that seem to be untreatable and impossible to get under control. Not just for me but for my DH and some of my family members. That really is a bitter pill to swallow but one does the best they can under the circumstances. The question is when to give up? And the answer is not while I am still breathing.

Health is truly wealth.

And I am ever grateful (up to this point) that the health issues experienced by my loved ones are not life and death. And may it continue to be that way. For as hard as some health conditions are to accept what doesn't kill you doesn't kill you and that in itself is a win.

Please share what you have come to accept and what you have not accepted and are still rallying against and what you were able to overcome that you didn't think possible. The human capacity for resilience is almost infinite I believe.

"Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it's less good than the one you had before.
Sometimes carrying on, just carrying on, is the superhuman achievement.”

 

[dk168]

When I was in tears on the phone to my mum over something that had happened during my late partner's funeral, she said something in the line that rightly or wrongly, I would forever be in the wrong for breaking up his marriage, and I have accepted that.

I did not believe I could lose weight due to my love of food, however, I managed to lose at least 14lb so far, so I am very pleased with my effort.

DK

 

[missy]

When I was in tears on the phone to my mum over something that had happened during my late partner's funeral, she said something in the line that rightly or wrongly, I would forever be in the wrong for breaking up his marriage, and I have accepted that.

I did not believe I could lose weight due to my love of food, however, I managed to lose at least 14lb so far, so I am very pleased with my effort.

DK

@dk168 you are wise. Words hurt. Some people don’t realize the weight their words can have. And the fact that once said can never be unsaid. I might forgive but forgetting is another (much harder) matter.

Good for you re the weight loss! Woohoo! You go girl

(((Hugs))

 

[bling_dream19]

Acceptance of my parents which is helping me accept others. Nothing I say or do will change another person's behavior or treatment of me. I am accepting that. Acceptance of my divorce and the ugly details. If I had had better self worth, I would not have accepted his behavior and I would not have married him or he would have changed. Either way, I would not have had to go through the pain. I am now working on acceptance of myself, flaws and all. I have always fought acceptance. I have lived with adjusting my behavior with the hope the other person will change. I am learning that is not true.

 

[missy]

Acceptance of my parents which is helping me accept others. Nothing I say or do will change another person's behavior or treatment of me. I am accepting that. Acceptance of my divorce and the ugly details. If I had had better self worth, I would not have accepted his behavior and I would not have married him or he would have changed. Either way, I would not have had to go through the pain. I am now working on acceptance of myself, flaws and all. I have always fought acceptance. I have lived with adjusting my behavior with the hope the other person will change. I am learning that is not true.

You are a strong and wonderful individual @bling_dream19. I don’t believe everything we go through has a purpose except as a learning experience.

All the unpleasant experiences we learn from allows us to grow and become stronger and better. So in that respect yes. There’s a purpose when we gain clarity from painful experiences.

And all you have endured up to this point has made it possible for you to be the beautiful (inside and out) person you are today. That and of course meeting and marrying the love of your life.

It’s all a stepping stone to where you are now. In love and happy and content and at peace. Sure life is always in motion and changing but you know what I mean. (((Hugs))).

 

[lyra]

I never thought I'd get over the loss of my dad, then my mom. I struggled for decades with it. Now I feel a lot better about it. They would be in their 80s. They missed so much, but there's no guarantee that they ever would have lived this long. I'm feeling my own mortality, and it's a bit scary thinking I might not have "that much" time left. I can't see myself living into my 80s or even necessarily my 70s, with the health issues I have. It's sobering, but I hope to be able to accept this too.

 

[bling_dream19]

You are a strong and wonderful individual @bling_dream19. I don’t believe everything we go through has a purpose except as a learning experience.

All the unpleasant experiences we learn from allows us to grow and become stronger and better. So in that respect yes. There’s a purpose when we gain clarity from painful experiences.

And all you have endured up to this point has made it possible for you to be the beautiful (inside and out) person you are today. That and of course meeting and marrying the love of your life.

It’s all a stepping stone to where you are now. In love and happy and content and at peace. Sure life is always in motion and changing but you know what I mean. (((Hugs))).

Thank you @missy hugs to you my sweet and wise friend. You are right, gaining clarity from the pain is the lesson. It's taken me a while to get that And I'm very grateful to have met and married the love of my life . You're right, the stepping stones bring us to where we are. And I'm so glad I met you! That was meant to be as well

 

[Austina]

Accepting that just because you share DNA with people, it doesn’t make them good parents, and that being told you’re ugly, stupid and worthless doesn’t make it true.

Accepting that we’ll be living with Covid for a long time, and our lives may never be ‘normal’ again.

 

[missy]

Accepting that just because you share DNA with people, it doesn’t make them good parents, and that being told you’re ugly, stupid and worthless doesn’t make it true.

Accepting that we’ll be living with Covid for a long time, and our lives may never be ‘normal’ again.

And you’re a testament to just how one’s parents can have so little to do with how much of a wonderful human you are @Austina
Despite them you have made a successful beautiful life filled with good people and love.

 

[missy]

I never thought I'd get over the loss of my dad, then my mom. I struggled for decades with it. Now I feel a lot better about it. They would be in their 80s. They missed so much, but there's no guarantee that they ever would have lived this long. I'm feeling my own mortality, and it's a bit scary thinking I might not have "that much" time left. I can't see myself living into my 80s or even necessarily my 70s, with the health issues I have. It's sobering, but I hope to be able to accept this too.

Dear @lyra I struggle with my and my loved ones mortality too. From when I was little I had a morbid fascination/obsession with death. I look forward to the day I can accept what is inevitable. With grace and with peace. Sending you lots of good wishes and gentle hugs. Here’s looking forward to a long and happy future. Health challenges and all.

 

[Made in London]

I have struggled with the acceptance of my sons marriage to his wife.She has done everything in her power to turn him against us,his parents. She has broken our hearts so many times,refusing to let us see our grandchildren & telling my son that if he ever left her,she would say that he abused the children! I have cried & raged at home & my pain has stopped me from just accepting that she is a jealous,hateful person. I still cry because I long to see my grandchildren but I have had to accept the situation & move forward with life.

 

[Garnetgirl]

What a horrible situation for you @Made in London I’m so sorry

 

[Rockdiamond]

What a cool topic!
I've often thought about mistakes I've made in a critical fashion...this leads to self-degradation....which leads to more mistakes....

I had a moment of clarity recently.....I realized that instead of screw ups, the mistakes I've made are an important part of who I am today. It's the realization that the old saying is true- what doesn't kill you makes you stronger......

 

[missy]

I have struggled with the acceptance of my sons marriage to his wife.She has done everything in her power to turn him against us,his parents. She has broken our hearts so many times,refusing to let us see our grandchildren & telling my son that if he ever left her,she would say that he abused the children! I have cried & raged at home & my pain has stopped me from just accepting that she is a jealous,hateful person. I still cry because I long to see my grandchildren but I have had to accept the situation & move forward with life.

Dear @Made in London I am so sorry

One day things will work out and improve in this area. I know it. I sometimes get premonitions (not sure if that is the right term) and I am sure about this one. In the meantime I am so sorry for all the heartache and pain. Your son knows how much you love him and you are right to move forward. And your grandchildren will one day know who you and your DH are and how wonderful and loving you are and how lucky they are to have you as their grandparents. One day I know this will all come to better and happier place.

 

[missy]

What a cool topic!
I've often thought about mistakes I've made in a critical fashion...this leads to self-degradation....which leads to more mistakes....

I had a moment of clarity recently.....I realized that instead of screw ups, the mistakes I've made are an important part of who I am today. It's the realization that the old saying is true- what doesn't kill you makes you stronger......

Truth.

 

[Lookinagain]

I battled with my daughter for years over school. She hated it and was not a good student, where as I loved school and did well. I finally realized it wasn't something I could change and also that she had her own talents even if they weren't academic. And also that she was a really good person with a wonderful heart and compassion for others, and she beat me in that arena. Luckily, I figured it out early enough that it didn't damage our relationship for the long run. But I wish I had figured it out earlier in her life so that I would have focused less on her weak points and focused more on her strengths.

 

[Matata]

I had a moment of clarity recently.....I realized that instead of screw ups, the mistakes I've made are an important part of who I am today. It's the realization that the old saying is true- what doesn't kill you makes you stronger......

Unfortunately what makes one stronger doesn't necessarily make one smarter and therein lies the rub (for Shakespeare purists "ay, there's the rub.")

 

[GoldenTouch]

I have struggled with the acceptance of my sons marriage to his wife.She has done everything in her power to turn him against us,his parents. She has broken our hearts so many times,refusing to let us see our grandchildren & telling my son that if he ever left her,she would say that he abused the children! I have cried & raged at home & my pain has stopped me from just accepting that she is a jealous,hateful person. I still cry because I long to see my grandchildren but I have had to accept the situation & move forward with life.

This breaks my heart.... so sorry to hear this

 

[mellowyellowgirl]

This is not unpleasant but it's something I've taken a while to unravel in my own head.

I enjoy being a mother to an only child and it's ok. I stress about things a lot and I'm not a great juggler. I like things planned out and in precise order. Even when there is no plan or things go awry I like mini plans or on the fly emergency plans. This is just how I am and it means that I'm only suited to have and enjoy one child and that's ok.

I used to feel very selfish about it. Was I selfish for refusing to juggle and therefore denying my son a sibling. Was I treating him like a very enjoyable hobby instead of a child and therefore refusing to have another and deal with the potential chaos that comes with more children?

I'm at the point where I've made peace. I only get one life with this child. One year when he's six, seven, eight and so on. One chance to read poems to him. One chance to sit and write stories together, learn maths concepts for the first time. I want the time to do all that at my own pace with this child and I'm not a bad person for wanting that. He will grow up one day and have his own life. I'm allowed to enjoy this time with him. Claim it as my own.

***

The thing I'm really happy about is my ability to maintain my weight. It all started with the 5:2. Prior to that I was ten kilos heavier and slowly going up each year. I learnt to not only eat all the yummy things that I love but also to find a way of life that keeps the weight off. I've never been more content as my current food arrangements are perfect for me and I've been doing this for two years now (possibly longer I can't really remember). It's great and I think my overall footprint is lower too!!!

 

[Polished]

I find acceptance fiendishly difficult. The best I can come up with is being ok with not accepting. For instance, dealing with the death of a loved one or a pet I find it helps if I allow myself to not get over it. Somehow there is a freedom with this approach as you're not forcing yourself to get over something you don't want to get over. Over time you move to a different place and can accommodate the loss better.

When it comes to aging and illnesses I'm more along the lines of researching and being more mindful of diet, exercise, healthy practices than giving in to it.

 

[Made in London]

Dear @Made in London I am so sorry

One day things will work out and improve in this area. I know it. I sometimes get premonitions (not sure if that is the right term) and I am sure about this one. In the meantime I am so sorry for all the heartache and pain. Your son knows how much you love him and you are right to move forward. And your grandchildren will one day know who you and your DH are and how wonderful and loving you are and how lucky they are to have you as their grandparents. One day I know this will all come to better and happier place.

Thank you for your kind words Missy.This issue runs very deep emotionally.There are so many things that have hurt my DH & I over the years involving my daughter-in law & her viscious tongue.I have learned to try & move forward despite the emotional pain

 

[missy]

I find acceptance fiendishly difficult. The best I can come up with is being ok with not accepting. For instance, dealing with the death of a loved one or a pet I find it helps if I allow myself to not get over it. Somehow there is a freedom with this approach as you're not forcing yourself to get over something you don't want to get over. Over time you move to a different place and can accommodate the loss better.

When it comes to aging and illnesses I'm more along the lines of researching and being more mindful of diet, exercise, healthy practices than giving in to it.

I completely agree. I let myself feel what I’m feeling and just let myself cry and feel sad. There’s no “getting over it” so to speak. It just is. It sucks. But it’s our new reality. And our reality keeps changing. Everyone’s reality does. The one sure thing. Change. And death. Two sure things in life.


I also agree to read and research and read and learn as much as possible about whatever specific disease one or one’s loved ones are dealing with as knowledge is power. And it allows one to feel less helpless and do what one can do. Which is the best anyone can do under the circumstances.

 

[missy]

Thank you for your kind words Missy.This issue runs very deep emotionally.There are so many things that have hurt my DH & I over the years involving my daughter-in law & her viscious tongue.I have learned to try & move forward despite the emotional pain

(((Hugs))).

 

[oakleaf]

I found it really hard to accept that my kids were not going to be going back to school last spring. My older child loves school and had circled the date on the calendar when in-school learning was supposed to start again. It was very difficult to break the news that there likely wouldn’t be any in-person learning for the rest of the year. I was so sad for my kids and it took a few weeks for me to not tear up when I thought about it.

Now, they are both loving full distance learning so we are all accepting the new normal and moving forward.

 

[missy]

HG Wells famously wrote in 1945 that “Adapt or perish, now as ever, is nature's inexorable imperative.” The world is constantly changing and to survive one must change along with it.

 

[dk168]

I had my first C19 wobble over the weekend, very trivial compared with others who are in worse situations, health, work, or otherwise.

My favourite watering hole in town is re-opening this Thursday, and I have been helping out to re-decorate and tidying up etc...

It will be advance booking only, with only a very small number of walk in's available, plus other measures to make it Covid-secure.

I knew all these in advance, as I am friends with the management, and was privileged to many discussions relating to seating plan, and even agreed to help out on the opening night and every Thursday evening going forward.

When the online booking system came online, I tried to booked for an early 2-hour slot between 17:00 to 19:00, to find no table available for 1, so I booked a table for 2.

I mentioned this on the pub's official FB page, to be informed by the main owner of the pub that single drinkers cannot book online, as they will take up too many spaces and not workable for them. Single drinkers will either have to chance it as walk in's, or club together with their friends to book a bigger table, etc. etc...

There was no warning on their booking system about this, and I believed it was unfair to single drinkers, especially those who supported the pub and the brewery behind it by ordering home deliveries throughout lockdown.

Although I know I am unlikely to be turned away as a walk in, however, I am not expecting or asking for any preferential treatment or favours.

I just want to be treated fairly and be given the opportunities to be able to secure a seat at my favourite pub of my choosing, without having to look for friends to join me etc...

I am asking for the opportunity to be on level playing field with the others who are in groups of 2 or more.

I am not alone in this, as there are other single drinkers who frequent this pub in the same boat.

I was angry at being tossed aside because single drinkers are taking up too much space at this very pub.

IMHO, the decision made by the owner is purely a business one, and not science-led.

Rather than launched into one in the pub's official page, I put a message up on my own page/wall, and the owner saw it and commented.

I appreciate it is a business decision and the reasons behind it, however, it does not mean I have to like it. It certainly does not stop me from making a stand for the injustice.

I have said my piece now, and shall rise above it, as there is nothing I can do to alter the decision.

I have accepted it is beyond my control.

I shall cancel my booking for 2 made for Friday. I did ask one of my single drinking friend to join me, however, she decided against it after seeing the responses from the owner.

I shall queue outside the gate at 16:55 before the door opens. The mischievous rebellious side of me wants to get a T-shirt that says something in the line of "Equal Treatment for Single Drinkers", however, I shan't, as it would make it awkward for my friends who are the real workers at the pub, as in the manager who runs the place, and my ex-gentleman friend who is a shareholder and part owner of the brewery who frequently helps out at this and the brewery's other pub in another town.

My ex-gentleman friend did say it would be a waste of time and energy to make a stand as the owner would not doing anything differently. However, as per usual, I did not listen.

As a Healthcare Professional/Provider (HCP), I have accepted all the C19 restrictions with good grace, even though I do not always fully appreciate the logic behind some of measures like the support bubbles; especially after a high profile and ranking government official escaped any punishment (he even received support from our PM as he is one of his mates who helped him to win the election etc... ) has broken the strict lockdown rules at the onset of UK's country-wide lockdown,

However, I believe restrictions are needed for the greater good, and they are usually science-led which I can (usually) support and justify.

I have lasted this long to have my first C19 wobble, and it is very trivial. It hit a nerve at the wrong time and made me angry, that's all.

Thanks for reading.

DK

 

[missy]

@dk168 fwiw I agree with you. That is unfair. Being penalized for being single. Uncool of the owner IMO. Though it is his prerogative to do as he pleases with his establishment. I am sorry. If I were there I’d join you. And that’s saying a lot because I don’t feel comfortable eating out yet. I’ll keep my mask on but would keep you company. Better yet, is there an outdoor garden?

ETA could you book a seat at the bar perhaps?This way you’re not taking a table.Just thinking out loud. Bar seating is the best anyway imo.

 

[dk168]

@dk168 fwiw I agree with you. That is unfair. Being penalized for being single. Uncool of the owner IMO. Though it is his prerogative to do as he pleases with his establishment. I am sorry. If I were there I’d join you. And that’s saying a lot because I don’t feel comfortable eating out yet. I’ll keep my mask on but would keep you company. Better yet, is there an outdoor garden?

ETA could you book a seat at the bar perhaps?This way you’re not taking a table.Just thinking out loud. Bar seating is the best anyway imo.

The pub is a micro pub and it is tiny, with no outdoor seating of any sort except a bench just outside the front door without cover (it is a listed building, so they cannot add a canopy or put up a parasol apparently).

As it is so small, there were only 2 seats at one end of the bar, as the walkway by the bar is very narrow. The two seats are located in what is affectionately known as the Codgers Corner - for grumpy old folks, and I loved sitting there! However, these two seats are no more under the current C19 layout, hey ho!

I promise we shall meet in person I am sure, to eat and drink to our hearts content! Where are you based as I have forgotten, so that I could start planning please? Hugs to you!

DK

 

[missy]

The pub is a micro pub and it is tiny, with no outdoor seating of any sort except a bench just outside the front door without cover (it is a listed building, so they cannot add a canopy or put up a parasol apparently).

As it is so small, there were only 2 seats at one end of the bar, as the walkway by the bar is very narrow. The two seats are located in what is affectionately known as the Codgers Corner - for grumpy old folks, and I loved sitting there! However, these two seats are no more under the current C19 layout, hey ho!

I promise we shall meet in person I am sure, to eat and drink to our hearts content! Where are you based as I have forgotten, so that I could start planning please? Hugs to you!

DK

I’m located in NYC and the Jersey Shore Monmouth county. Would love to gtg when life becomes calmer