A Very Awkward Situation

[luckynumber]

Picture this:

Friend 1: gosh, that''s a big ring

Friend 2: yes, i''m very happy with it, it''s the ring of my dreams

Friend 1: yes well, i think anything over 1 carat looks trashy

Friend 2: _____________. *face like thunder*



And where is luckynumber in all this, you say?

Face down, intently sucking some ghastly fruit cocktail thing through a straw, wishing the ground would open and swallow her up.

Ring was 1.5ish carats. These two are quite close friends of mine. The meeting ended quite abruptly and my engaged friend is very offended.

I''m not engaged yet, but we''re looking at rings in the 2ct range

and now I''m wondering is this is wise.

Am I going to be subject to catty statements for the rest of my life??? I''m in the UK, where the average diamond size is way under 1 ct.

I was going to invite them both to my wedding too

Ladies, have you ever had a friend or relative say not-so-nice things about your ering? How did you repsond?

I think I could manage a sharp retort to a stranger, but I wouldn''t know how to handle people I knew!

 

[FutureMrsMRS]

Oh boy.

My ering is much closer to 1/2 ct, around .6 or so. But it''s what *I* wanted. FI wanted a bigger ring, but I did not.

That''s the ring YOU want. That YOU have to wear. Is mean friend single? Hate to say it, but friend might be a wee bit jealous. Especially if she also knows you''re on the verge of becoming engaged.

DO NOT change your ring to make someone else comfortable!

 

[KatM]

i think i would simply say, "then it''s a good thing you don''t have to wear it!" with a smile.

 

[KittyGolightly]

If I were you, I''d just look forward to being the trashiest of all your friends.

Friend 1 sounds like a pill.

 

[HopeDream]

Wow ! jealousy make people say ugly things. I feel bad for your engaged friend.

There''s nothing trashy about a specific size as long as it is set well.

If anyone comments on the size, just tell them it''s the family stone (now it is). Folks are far more forgiving about heirlooms.

I think larger stone sizes are a trend we willl continue to see grow. Back in the 80''s diamond prices were crazy inflated so women ended up with much smaller diamonds than today. At the turn of the century until the great depression, 1ct rings were much more common. Now with so many diamond mines providing rough, I don''t see why 1-2cts shoudn''t become the norm.

As man-made diamond technology improves I''m sure we''ll see some lab-grown honkers flood the market within the next 25 years - at least yours will be natural!

Get the size you want and wear it with pride - jealous folks can lump it!

 

[zoebartlett]

Oh man. Yeah, that''s bad. I can''t believe someone would say that, especially with that friend sitting right there.

I would go ahead and continue looking at stones in the range you want, and try not to let potential comments bother you. People will always have opinions, but hopefully they''ll know when it''s appropriate to keep their opinions to themselves.

 

[MayFlowers]

I definitely agree that you should get what you want. Don''t let their opinions decide on your stone size. That is between you and your FF. Besides, if you pick a smaller stone, who''s to say that this friend will still even be around you in say 10 years?

I know you don''t want anyone to have a bad opinion about your ring, but again, it''s your ring. I know whenever I get my ring, my mother will most likely *want* to make a comment, but I don''t know that she will. When my cousin got engaged she made a rather nasty comment about how he spent $3500 on his fiance''s ring when he could have spent that money on something else. Well my BF''s budget is about $4000-4500. So, who knows what she will be thinking. But, I''m not going to let that stop me from getting a gorgeous ring! And you definitely shouldn''t let it bother you either.

 

[luckynumber]

thanks guys.

yeah, i think she was jealous (she''s single)

i should also say that friend 1 went on to say that she''d rather save the money for her future kids, or give it to charity (WTF?? i must say that i thoughts friend 2 was really quite restrained....)

it just made me feel soooo embarrassed to be there. for a minute, i just thought: "you did not just say what i think you did, did you??"

i don''t know about the size, ya know.

my diamond will be bigger than anyone''s i know, so i''m really still worried about it, even though the money is already saved for it (we wont be taking out a cent in loans)

i don''t want to have to lie and say it''s an heirloom esp since they''ll probably find out it''s not soon enough.

i''m also sure to be asked how much it cost (SO and i are both vowing to secrecy on this) and i''ll feel awkward again.

waaah!

 

[RaiKai]

People are of course able to have their preferences for stone size, ring styles and budget. I myself have a size limit I consider too big for myself, or a pricepoint I consider too much to spend on a ring...but those are *my* personal preferences and I would not call someone elses preferences trashy!

I don''t want to call her jealous as she is single. I just do not believe everyone who is single is jealous of those who are not! Maybe those really are her preferences...I am not single and have my preferences...and when was single had them too and I was never jealous of those who were not single!

I do think she however does lack tact! I would never make comments to someone like she did about their ring.

Get what stone size works for you and your FF and no need to be anything but thrilled with your choice.

 

[zoebartlett]

Your friends (or anyone else) would ask you how much your ring cost?! I know it happens (from reading PS) but I''ve never known anyone to actually ask that in real life. Just tell them, if asked, that you''d like to keep that private. There''s no reason you should feel that you have to answer just because they''re nosy.

 

[luckynumber]

zoe, i don''t think my friends will ever ask (in fact i''m sure they wont) but some relatives will, likely the more distant ones with whom we have nothing in common. ya know, the ones who, if i had a choice, i would NOT be related to!

urgh. i''m not telling them anything but i don''t even want to hear the question!

raikai, you''re right, we can''t assume she was jealous (ust because she is single) but completely and utterly tactless! maybe she was just stating her own preference and ended up judging and devaluing my other friend''s choice?



i DO hear a lot of people around me make value judgements like:

i don''t ever want a diamond, because they''re all blood diamonds

anything over a carat looks so gaudy and fake

diamonds are so bourgeoisie

diamonds are such a theft risk and impractical for work

i''ve got better things to spend my money on




eeek, maybe i''m just overly sensitive to it all, as i''m looking for one now!

anymore witty comebacks folks??

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

I had the opposite, I have a very unusual ring and people often don''t think it looks like a wedding ring. If I suspect someone is going to make a catty comment, I will sometimes launch into a long thing of how much I love my ring and the amount of work that went into the getting it. After doing that I have yet to hear a comment about it.

I personally did not want diomonds if I had, they would have been small, but that doesn''t mean I say or even think nasty things about my mom''s enormous stone. Just because it isn''t me, doesn''t mean it is inferior.

I also like the, well, you don''t have to wear it comment posted above.

 

[jewelz617]

Woooooow. Hoo boy!

My e-ring is over 1 carat (the center stone) I can't imagine what I'd do if someone called it trashy TO MY FACE!

But I imagine it would be along the lines of "Not as trashy as your blatant jealousy." Then I'd throw some money on the table and get the hell out of there.

No one has ever said anything about my ring other than to compliment it. Some people might assume a bigger diamond is fake, but most will never ask, and if they do who cares? You'll know the truth. Friend #1 was behaving like a snot and hopefully has apologized profusely and has admitted that she was behaving like a jealous brat rather than a supportive friend.

 

[pixgirl]

I am an American living both in the US and Italy. When I wear some of my jewelry in Italy my Italian and British friends are shocked. No one has actually said "trashy" yet, but I know that is what they are thinking. And my jewelry is not over the top in any way in the US. It''s a cultural thing, not rudeness or jealousy I think. If you are staying in the UK you need to consider this attitude when choosing your engagement ring. If you don''t care what people think then fine, get the 2 ct. If it will bother you then think smaller and know that you are just fitting into your adopted country. I hope this helps.

 

[JulieN]

Horribly trashy to remark on anyone''s diamond size, whether it be large or small.

 

[susimoo]

Jealous jealous, jealous. Get your 2 carat and rub her nose in it!

Ps in the UK too. Most people here don''t place any credence on a well cut stone never mind a large well cut stone. More full them.

 

[4ever]

Wow that is rude, but I''m not surprised- there have been several threads about all the rude things people have said about PSers rings. People are stupid and make stupid comments, maybe someone will make a stupid comment about your ring but that shouldn''t stop you enjoying it. I''m going to have a big ring for where I live (but very small for PS!) and people will probably comment as I''m also quite young. I know my best friend will ask how much it cost and people will dissaprove of the expense. It''s also a pretty unusual ring so I''ll get sh*t for that too, like "why is you diamond not white?". However, I like my ring and I refuse to care about other peoples opinions on it when I''m the one who has to wear it and see it everyday. I say get a nice big, beautiful rock and don''t let stupid people leach the enjoyment out of it with posionous comments.

 

[Haven]

Date: 4/11/2010 12:24:54 PM
Author: KatM
i think i would simply say, ''then it''s a good thing you don''t have to wear it!'' with a smile.

I like this response. I''ve never been in this position, but if I end up in it, I''m using this line!

My guess is that the friend who made the nasty comment has a mean case of the green eyed monster. She just made herself look trashy, IMO.

 

[oddoneout]

Date: 4/11/2010 12:34:06 PM
Author: KittyGolightly
If I were you, I''d just look forward to being the trashiest of all your friends.

Friend 1 sounds like a pill.

I actually laughed out loud at this. I say who cares get the ring you want and be happy.

 

[chemgirl]

I don''t know your friend, but I think one of two things is at work here. Either she''s just a horribly tactless person in general (and you''d already know this), or she is unhappy about something in her own life and the ring brought it out.

I know that I personally had a hard time with friends getting engaged when I was newly single and looking for a job. I''d see these pretty rings and automatically think nasty things about them. It was my way of dealing with how upset I was with my situation at the time. I had been dating somebody for years and had all of these plans for my own ring etc. Then I was layed off and had to find a new job. To me, those rings represented everything I wanted and didn''t have (a happy relationship, financial stability). I wasn''t exactly "jealous" but I did feel pretty badly about myself when I saw them.

So I''d think "hey, that ring is so small" or "oh look at that halo, poor craftsmanship" or "wow, that diamond''s so big it looks fake." I never actually said any of it, just thought it. I always acted excited whenever someone showed me their ring.

So I''m saying that although your friend''s comments were extremely rude and she should have known better, I can understand why she may have said them.

I also think that you shouldn''t let it affect your ring choice! No matter what you do, people are going to comment. The only way to minimize these comments is to stay within the confines of what people consider "normal." This really carries over to all parts of life. The problem is that being normal is boring. So get outside of the cookie cutter that is "normal" and get the ring you want!

 

[Callisto]

I agree with everything being said here. Get what is right for you. And your friend needs to learn to bite her tongue. You''re way nicer than me... I would have given her a mouthful if she said that to a friend of mine.

This may sound silly but if you''re really worried about being asked inappropriate questions like how much it cost, formulate a response to that question and actually practice saying it. Have SO ask you and give him your scripted answer until you feel comfortable saying it. You''ll feel much more awkward in the situation if you''re bumbling over a response cause you''re nervous. Plus I think if people see you''re confident about keeping that a private matter they''ll be less likely to push it.

 

[PumpkinPie]

Date: 4/11/2010 12:24:54 PM
Author: KatM
i think i would simply say, ''then it''s a good thing you don''t have to wear it!'' with a smile.

agreed - she is simply jealous.

 

[SAPHIRINA]

I agree with everything that has been said so far. I think your friend was rude and tactless, though her motivation is unclear, as I don''t think it''s fair to assume that she''s jealous because she''s single.

You should get an engagement ring that you absolutely love AND that you''d be comfortable wearing on a regular basis. FI gave me a ring budget to work with after he proposed. It was a range between the minimum he would want to spend and the maximum he felt we shouldn''t go over (this upper limit would mean a diamond in 2ct range). After thinking about it, I designed a ring that would fit into the budget minimum (ended up with 1.7ct center stone). While I think a bigger diamond would be extremely beautiful and I would definitely love it, it would not be practical for me to wear every day.

Having said that, if you feel that you''d be comfortable wearing your dream ring despite comments from others, go for it! After all, the most important thing is that the ring you get is perfect for you.

 

[Cinna]

Date: 4/11/2010 3:32:08 PM
Author: luckynumber

i don''t ever want a diamond, because they''re all blood diamonds


anything over a carat looks so gaudy and fake


diamonds are so bourgeoisie


diamonds are such a theft risk and impractical for work


i''ve got better things to spend my money on

I was reading up on that the other day and remembered an article that was talking about how Leonardo Dicaprio starred in the movie Blood Diamonds and would not allow his dates to wear diamonds, as well as publicly announced his hatred of diamonds and those who support purchasing them after knowing where they come from. He was chastised about his statements due to the fact that he was punishing those who rely on the income of the diamonds in those areas, and that not all diamonds are blood diamonds, etc.. and he had to retract his statements because he was seen as ignorant.

So whoever states something like that, you should correct them and make them eat their words for being so gungho about a "political issue" without knowing much into it.

As for the other statements, that might be their statements but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And there are many more eyes that are attracted to the bling/beauty than not. As long as you wear it proudly, they can come up with all the reasons they want for themselves to not be wearing a diamond of your size.

If you can rock it, flaunt it!

 

[Kaleigh]

That green eyed monster shows up a lot. They were jealous plain and simple. Don''t let that deter you from what is right for you and your FI.

Like serioulsy?? Do what is right for you.....

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 4/11/2010 12:34:06 PM
Author: KittyGolightly
If I were you, I''d just look forward to being the trashiest of all your friends.

Friend 1 sounds like a pill.

yeah, i wouldn''t give a S**T what they think.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 4/11/2010 1:43:05 PM
Author: luckynumber

my diamond will be bigger than anyone''s i know, so i''m really still worried about it, even though the money is already saved for it (we wont be taking out a cent in loans)

i don''t want to have to lie and say it''s an heirloom esp since they''ll probably find out it''s not soon enough.

i''m also sure to be asked how much it cost (SO and i are both vowing to secrecy on this) and i''ll feel awkward again.

waaah!

don''t say that,cuz then they''ll say (behind your back)...i knew her bf couldn''t afford that ring.

 

[LadyJane83]

I struggled a lot personally with the "blood diamond" and "I have better things to spend my money on." Ended up getting a diamond anyway in a size and price range that I was comfortable with.

When I thought I wasn''t going to buy a diamond, I never criticized anyone else''s choice. Even when directly questioned about "why" I didn''t want a diamond I would just say "I don''t really wear much jewelry" or "I like other stones better."

What Friend 1 said was obviously intended to make Friend 2 feel bad. Whatever the reason behind it, it was just plain rude and mean. I would have called Friend 1 out on it.

You should get whatever YOU want. But, if you think other people''s responses will bother you and therefore prevent you from enjoying your ring, you should consider that too.

 

[legallyspoiled]

I don''t think that you should ever feel embarrassed about the size of your ring. Nor should you ever have to defend it or apologize for it. As long as YOU love it. Who cares what others think?

If I had been there, I would have chimed in on Friend #2''s behalf and said, "I disagree. I think it is classic, stunning, and is well proportioned to your finger. Your fiance did a great job. He must really love you!"

 

[monarch64]

Date: 4/12/2010 10:33:57 AM
Author: legallyspoiled
I don''t think that you should ever feel embarrassed about the size of your ring. Nor should you ever have to defend it or apologize for it. As long as YOU love it. Who cares what others think?

If I had been there, I would have chimed in on Friend #2''s behalf and said, ''I disagree. I think it is classic, stunning, and is well proportioned to your finger. Your fiance did a great job. He must really love you!''

I agree with everything else you said, LS, but I really have an issue with the highlighted phrase when people use it to express how wonderful they think an engagement ring is. I mean, what would you say to someone with a .50carat center stone? He must be pretty into you? Maybe someday he''ll REALLY love you? It just seems like implying that stone size is directly related to the amount of love your significant other feels for you. I know it is used innocently but when you think about it, it''s kind of a crappy thing to say to someone!