A total surprise?!

[VikingP77]

So me and my steady had a bit of an argument today about marriage talk. Mainly I want to talk about it a bit and he has not brought it up. He has made comments about wanting to get married and such but nothing too specific. He blurted out that it should be a total surprise when he proposes to me and he doesn''t want to talk it to death. I agreed with that but told him that I think we should at least be on the same page. I''m also a bit upset because I would like to help select the ring. I''m not going to bring it up again but I''m shocked because I think we should talk about some more life goals before he just surprises me. Maybe I''m being nit-picky? Help me out boys and gals.

 

[KittyGolightly]

You''re not being nit-picky. Marriage is a big decision, and you should have an opportunity to discuss and consider it.

My opinion may be colored a bit by my age. I''m 33, and probably a bit older than your typical LIW. At my age, I wouldn''t want to spend too much time in a relationship before getting a good idea of what my boyfriend wanted out of life. I think if I were 10 years younger, a complete surprise proposal would seem much more romantic. In fact, I probably would have been thrilled. At this stage in my life though, it would feel a little rash and inappropriate.

In your boyfriend''s defense, I understand his desire to sweep you off your feet with a grand gesture. I''m sure he loves you very much, and has been imagining his proposal to you. He was probably thrown to find out that his plan didn''t meet your approval.

This is a tough situation to be in. I hope you''re able to talk with him about it again.

 

[VikingP77]

I''m 32 and he is 37. I agree about the age thing, would have been different if I was younger.

 

[4ever]

Who would want to be TOTALLY surprised by an engagment? There are alot of things a couple should talk about and agree on before deciding to get married. Perhaps he does want to make it a grand guesture. Our ideas of proposals, weddings and marrige are so shaped by what we see in movies and on TV that maybe he thinks this is what women want and how it SHOULD be. How frequently do TV and film characters have an indepth talk about their expectations for marrige such as children, money and home before an intimate at home proposal with a ring picked out by the two of them followed by a small town hall wedding?

 

[Nomsdeplume]

Of course you want to have some input when it comes to the ring! That''s not unreasonable! YOU have to wear it every day.
I would just sit him down and say you want to discuss EVERYTHING, from expectations to ring styles etc etc etc, and then once you feel that you have had a serious discussion about it, you will leave him to get on with the surprise proposal without further input from you.

 

[SAPHIRINA]

I had a similar situation with my now FI, except I was the one who didn''t want to "talk it to death". He is the planner, and while I am as well, I do believe that some things should be more spontaneous in order to preserve a certain element of surprise and anticipation in the relationship.

Having said that, we did talk about our timeline many times throughout our relationship, and we never wavered from it. We knew that we wanted to get married a couple of months after he finishes grad school, so a proposal would have to be made at least six months before then, in order to plan the wedding. We also talked about rings, and decided that we''d have my engagement ring designed and made by a jeweler, who is a friend of my family. In my mind, there was really nothing left to discuss about the engagement without actually pre-planning it and setting a date for proposal in advance, and I certainly did not want to do that. I explained to G. that I feel that it should happen when he feels ready, and that it can be as elaborate or as simple as he wants it to be. After listening to my reasoning and feelings on the subject, he agreed that it would be silly to continue talking about it and planning it any further than we already discussed.

Given how much we both wanted to have a family together, we were technically "engaged" months before he proposed, so when he did ask me, his intentions were not a surprise, but the day and the setting during which it happened, was, which is exactly what I wanted.

Did you and your BF talk about a general timeline for the future? If you did, and you are both happy with it, then maybe he just wants to plan the proposal on his own? If you didn''t, then it''s definitely something you should talk about to make sure you are both on the same page.

 

[RaiKai]

I do not think *marriage* - and both of your expectations, values, goals and thoughts on all the things that come along with a life together - should be a *surprise*.

Wanting to keep an element of surprise to a proposal and a ring is one thing...to not want to even talk about marriage to keep it a surprise is a whole other can of worms.Marriage is not about the romance and surprise of the proposal.

For the record I am 30 and married. I would not have got engaged if we had never even talked about it or marriage. The proposal was still a surprise - but wanting to be married, our views, expectations and so on about marriage were not.

I might say this romantic view is more common in very young couples I have seen in my life, but these are the same couples I saw also play guessing games about one anothers feelings, have a romantic role-based view of marriage and so on. And of all of them I saw, most are now divorced or never made it to the wedding.

To me getting engaged is about being ready individually and as a couple to be married. How do you know that if you have not talked about it? When the element of surprise is more important than that...I would have concerns.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 4/15/2010 7:59:47 AM
Author: RaiKai
I do not think *marriage* - and both of your expectations, values, goals and thoughts on all the things that come along with a life together - should be a *surprise*.

Wanting to keep an element of surprise to a proposal and a ring is one thing...to not want to even talk about marriage to keep it a surprise is a whole other can of worms.Marriage is not about the romance and surprise of the proposal.

For the record I am 30 and married. I would not have got engaged if we had never even talked about it or marriage. The proposal was still a surprise - but wanting to be married, our views, expectations and so on about marriage were not.

I might say this romantic view is more common in very young couples I have seen in my life, but these are the same couples I saw also play guessing games about one anothers feelings, have a romantic role-based view of marriage and so on. And of all of them I saw, most are now divorced or never made it to the wedding.

To me getting engaged is about being ready individually and as a couple to be married. How do you know that if you have not talked about it? When the element of surprise is more important than that...I would have concerns.

Huge ditto! (Except I'm 21 and engaged, not married yet!)

I could not have gotten engaged to my FI without knowing what he expects of me as his wife, mother of his children, life partner, joint bank account holder, roomate, etc., and vice versa. I wanted to make sure he knew what I would expect of him in all those roles as well.

Marriage is forever. You would not enter into any other contract (especially a life-long one) without knowing all the terms, and reading all the fine print, would you?

 

[blacksand]

My boyfriend is terrible with surprises, and that makes me very happy. I do believe he would like the proposal to be a surprise, but if it is, I''ll eat my hat. Ha! I''m sure I''ll know exactly what''s up. He''s the kind of guy who says "I have a surprise for you tomorrow! Do you want to know what it is? Let me give you a hint. Or I can just give it to you now. Do you want it now? No? Okay, well let me give you a hint...Ok, maybe that was too big a hint. Are you sure you don''t just want it now?" So yeah, I''ll probably know exactly when he orders the ring and when and how he''s going to give it to me. He can''t contain his excitement. That said, I definitely have input as to when we will get engaged, what kind of ring I would like, and absolutely, without compromise, what our marriage will look like. As others have said, talking about marriage is a necessity. Talking about the proposal, not so much, but if it''s important to you to have input, then you should tell your SO that it''s important to you to have input.

 

[LadyJane83]

I''m recently engaged and people always ask me if it was a surprise. I really don''t know how to answer that. We''d been together for 4 years or so and talked seriously about marriage, I selected the ring, and knew it was coming soon.

But the exact day and hour was a surprise. This was important to my SO, and maybe this is the way your SO is thinking. I think that is fine.

BUT you need to make sure that before the proposal, the two of you have gone beyond the general idea of getting married and discussed the specifics of marriage and your expectations.

As far as the ring goes, just be direct. Tell him he needs to know what you like before he buys anything and that you either have to go ring shopping together to give him ideas, or you can print some online pics.

Also, you say that you are shocked and upset, but aren''t going to bring it up again. Why? You should try to communicate how you feel to your partner.

 

[elrohwen]

I wouldn't marry someone who proposed as a total surprise (or at least I wouldn't accept the proposal at that moment). I think that marriage is potentially the biggest life decision you will ever make, bigger than kids, because you'll love your kids no matter what happens - you won't necessarily still love your spouse in 5 or 10 years. I think marriage should be discussed responsibly and rationally by both parties and agreed on. The actual proposal can be a surprise, but I would want to know that it was coming at the very least.

 

[merbear1215]

I am the planner in my relationship, therefore I do want to talk it to death.

A few years ago, my boyfriend mentioned that when he proposed he would want me to be totally surprised. Therefore, he said that he would give me a "fake" ring to propose, then we would go choose the real ring together. I put the kabosh on that pretty quickly. I told him I didn''t feel like it needed to be a total surprise but that I hoped I would somewhat know it was coming as it should be a decision we make together.

In an effort to compromise so that we both are happy, he knows the particular style I would want and also the budget I think he should have. In addition to being a planner, I am also frugal (or at least always wanting the best deal) and worried that he would go in thinking he needed to spend a fortune.

I really think it should not be a conversation you are not allowed to have and rather a decision you both make together. However, I concur with the folks recommending you give him SOME direction, then let it be.

Good Luck

 

[UnluckyTwin]

Basically, I hugely ditto everyone else. There is a big difference between a proposal and a marriage. One should not be a surprise.

Perhaps you can talk with your SO and leave out terms like "propsal," "engagement," "ring," and "marriage." "Honey, I''d like to talk a bit about our future. What do you see for us? Do you want children? How do you feel about ever opening a joint bank account for household expenses (which can be opened by nonmarried couples), or do you prefer separate bank accounts?" (I also suggest talking about the division of household labor.) Maybe if you talk with language like this-- instead of about rings and dates-- he won''t feel that his surprise proposal is in danger of being revealed and he''ll be more open to discussion. Maybe?

Unlike previous advice-givers above, I am not even engaged yet. I don''t know when SO will start thinking about ceremony-planning or rings (though when he gets a full-time job I bet my feelers will go up). It is my understanding that, not only does he not know either, but when he does, he will want it to be mostly a surprise too. BUT, we very much know that we are in it for the long run, and given that we already live together and we will not legally get married, there is not a whole lot riding on his decision except that we will then get to start planning a big party to officially join our lives and families together. So perhaps I am a little less anxious. Still, I do know that there are ways to talk about lifetime expectations as a couple WITHOUT talking about engagements and rings and stuff.

Hope this helps. Good luck.

 

[PumpkinPie]

Date: 4/15/2010 3:33:39 AM
Author: Saphirina

Given how much we both wanted to have a family together, we were technically ''engaged'' months before he proposed, so when he did ask me, his intentions were not a surprise, but the day and the setting during which it happened, was, which is exactly what I wanted.

This sounds like a good compromise bewteen a romantic ''surprise'' proposal and a grown-up discussion of the future of your lives together - the perfect way to go about it in my opinion