A Thread for Those Caring for Aging Parents etc.

[VRBeauty]

Kelinas: I'm glad that you found such a good solution for you and your father! Good luck with your new business venture too.

And a big boo hiss to your brother. My youngest brother really stepped it up after our little chat - he increased his contribution by 100%! That's right, he's now visiting my father for two nights a month rather than just one, and leaving the rest to middle brother and I.

I've been on a physical and emotional roller coaster for the past few weeks, which resulted in my realizing that I just cannot continue to do this - spend at least half of my time with my father - for much longer. My brother agrees, so now the challenge is to figure out "what next." I think there are some options out there - I'll post about them soon.

 

[missy]

VRBeauty, I'm sorry you have so much you are still dealing with and I am glad you have some good options in mind and wishing you the best of luck with that. You deserve some rest and peace and I hope you get off the emotional and physical roller coaster soon!

Kelinas, woohoo! So glad you made that move and I agree with you in that I think it was a smart way to go. Yay for being able to spend time with your bf without worrying about your dad's safety and yay for your dad's medical tests being good.
Ha that over 55 community sounds pretty darned nice. Maybe Greg and I should join you...

And a big boo to your brother. Sorry he is begin such a disappointment and I can only imagine how your dad must feel about it too. And to be completely truthful I'm disappointed you won't be coming here for a visit now anytime soon. Boo to that as well.
But most importantly yay for finding a real life workable happy solution and yay on your new business venture!

 

[Jambalaya]

On the topic of work division among siblings for parent care: I've observed a lot of people in this situation, and it's very interesting. There is almost always a sibling who shoulders the burden and one who does hardly anything. If there are multiple siblings, like VR has, there can be a range, but where there's at least more than one sibling, the workload is rarely split evenly, in my experience.

I had a friend with one sibling. When the parents got old and sick, Friend did almost everything, while Sib was involved in her own life to almost total exclusion of her wider family. She had a number of kids, and the world revolved around them. Their extra-curricular stuff was way more important than making time to visit her sick parents. So grandparents and grandchildren were kept apart, while my friend turned down jobs, traveled back and forth, became depressed due to being around so much sickness, and was by far the most affected when they died because suddenly she was on her own, whereas Sib had maintained her own life beautifully!

And then, of course, the two siblings inherited 50% each. Sib got a nice payout for doing nothing.

Friend didn't mind; she said that she cared for them mostly bc she wanted to (although I know partly it was because there was no one else - Sib just refused to play.)

And it's true; we do care for others out of the goodness of our hearts, but sometimes I've watched a situation like Friend's and thought, Man, that really is unfair. (But whoever said life was fair, right?)

I've come to the conclusion that people who disappear when their parents need care, and leave it all to the others, are showing a lack of character. I find it very hard to respect those who don't do what they need to do when it comes to elderly parents. (I'm talking about good parents who were good to you, not problematic or abusive parents.) The truth is that some people get an excellent upbringing and receive wonderful care in their childhood and young adulthood, and then they gaily trip off and make their own lives and never look back, including when their parents get sick, and my theory is that they don't feel guilty, either. They are simply selfish, not very caring people, and unfortunately every family seems to have at least one of those. I can tell you now - you'll never change them.

Friend says that having modeled this behavior for her kids, she hopes Sib's kids treat her the same way one day.

 

[Kelinas]

Kelinas, woohoo! So glad you made that move and I agree with you in that I think it was a smart way to go. Yay for being able to spend time with your bf without worrying about your dad's safety and yay for your dad's medical tests being good.
Ha that over 55 community sounds pretty darned nice. Maybe Greg and I should join you...

And a big boo to your brother. Sorry he is begin such a disappointment and I can only imagine how your dad must feel about it too. And to be completely truthful I'm disappointed you won't be coming here for a visit now anytime soon. Boo to that as well.
But most importantly yay for finding a real life workable happy solution and yay on your new business venture!

I re-read my post and realized that it sounds like I already moved. I haven't, we are aiming for the first week of June! Both dad & I Are excited though.

As for my brother, it's not surprising. I'm more disappointed in myself for (once again) believing in his lies. I want my dad to go visit because both parties want it, not because my brother feels forced. I think that *that* is what's the most disappointing.

On the business front, thank you! I won't discuss it on PS because for some unknown reason, it seems to be a taboo topic of hatred, but it is a profitable business, and it it's growing monthly. Works out well since I'm the mean boss while my partner is the nice one. Balance

 

[Kelinas]

And then, of course, the two siblings inherited 50% each. Sib got a nice payout for doing nothing.

...

Friend says that having modeled this behavior for her kids, she hopes Sib's kids treat her the same way one day.

My brother seems to think this. My father's will changed when my mother passed away. I am still the executive of the will, but everything is coming to me.
I could honestly care less; I'd rather have more time with my dad than wait for him to leave me sh*% when he passed.

&& I'm a firm believer in Karma. What you do will come back to either bless you or curse you.

 

[random_thought]

Here's an update on my dad, this year has been so rough

My dad recently found out he had cancer in his tongue. He had surgery to remove the cancer and and the surgery went well, but they told him they wouldn’t release him because his enzymes were high and wanted to observe him some more. They tested his enzymes because he has a history of heart attacks and has had bypass surgery so they were concerned, he had been complaining of chest pain the day before. He appeared confused and really didn’t understand what was going on. Once the doctor and nurse left his room, he pulled out something from his surgery and his iv and left. He jumped in front of a stranger’s car and tried to make them take him away from the hospital. The security managed to restrain him and bring him back to the lobby where he assaulted a nurse. Now he is being held in soft restraints and they are trying to determine if a psych evaluation can be done based on his past history. My sister had been in the process of getting power of attorney but hasn’t signed any documents yet so we’re unsure if she has any pull. Now we’re just waiting to find out what is going on.

No 30 year old kid should have to deal with this

 

[VRBeauty]

Random Thought - I'm so sorry you're dealing with this - and I'm sorry for your father, what a terrible state of mind he must be in to take such drastic actions.

You're absolutely right that you and your sister should not have to be dealing with this at your ages... I hope this is a short term blip.

I hope you and your sister are able to get the POA stuff worked out. Your father's escapades won't make it easier to get POA, but might make it possible to go straight to conservatorship. (Spoken as one who knows almost nothing about such things.)

 

[VRBeauty]

Earlier this week I took my parents' trust documents to an estate planner for review, to make sure we have everything. I found out, much to my surprise, that their trust had been set up using a very complex form that's most often used for very large estates (my parents' is anything but large) or when there's a likelyhood that one of the parties might re-marry (also, not). Also the package does not contain HPPA authorizations that would allow my father's doctors etc. to let me know what's going on with him if he's not able to give verbal authorization. And that the trust, which was created over 10 years ago, and the quit claim deed, had never been filed. Nonetheless, my parent's holdings were split into two when my mother died, and half, including half of their house, was put into an irrevocable trust that apparently cannot be changed. Which means that we were supposed to inventory the estate after my mother's death for the purposes of determining what was in the "family trust" and what was in the trust that my father is allowed to use. And we were supposed to file a tax return for that half for 2014 and last year. I'm sure my parents had no idea this was what they were getting into, the company that drew up the trust papers for them just put some forms in front of them rather than actually talking to them about their needs.

On the better news side, we're still providing 24-7 care for my father because he's a) unsteady on his feet, and b) insists on living on a packaged food diet - think frozen TV dinners - when he's on his own. It took almost three months to get the authorizations and appointments, but he finally started out-patient physical therapy last week. Hopefully that will improve his strength and balance enough to address that part of the equation. He's also showing more willingness to work with us where his diet is concerned, and to take some responsibility for that. So... maybe there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[junebug17]

I'm so sorry RT, what an upsetting and disturbing thing to happen - and you're right, you're too young to have to deal with something like this. Did your father show any signs of confusion prior to his surgery? Seems unusual for your father to have a sudden behavior change like this, I wonder if it's something related to his physical condition. I hope his issue can be diagnosed quickly and he can return to a more calm and clear state. Just throwing this out there - sometimes a urinary tract infection can cause behavioral changes. Big hugs to you!

VRBeauty, so sorry to hear about the complicated state of affairs with regard to your parents' estate, sending good thoughts it's straightened out soon.

As to your father's diet, I wonder if he turns to tv dinners because of the convenience? Before my mother had her stroke she was making frozen dinners for herself because she just didn't want to go through the hassle of cooking. It's challenging to try to get older people to eat well. It's great that he's willing to work with you on eating healthier foods, in my mother's case we just had to give in on certain things, it was not just not worth fighting over. She's basically eating the same things every day, and they are not the healthiest choices, but at least she's eating. We've been told to focus more on calorie intake at this point. I'm glad to hear he's doing well and I hope he continues to improve even more.

 

[random_thought]

Thank you both for your responses. He's been like this off and on since my mom was in the hospital for her last stroke before she eventually passed away. I think it may have been going on longer than though. Family had been distancing themselves from him and my mom, some has recently unfriended him on Facebook and he has been spending a lot of time at the local bar. I guess it will be a matter of what the doctors say, I'm sure he is so confused and has always been adamant that he would rather be put out of his misery than to end up in a nursing home I'm not sure how this all will play out but regardless of how it does, I'm definitely not looking forward to it....

 

[VRBeauty]

As to your father's diet, I wonder if he turns to tv dinners because of the convenience? Before my mother had her stroke she was making frozen dinners for herself because she just didn't want to go through the hassle of cooking. It's challenging to try to get older people to eat well. It's great that he's willing to work with you on eating healthier foods, in my mother's case we just had to give in on certain things, it was not just not worth fighting over. She's basically eating the same things every day, and they are not the healthiest choices, but at least she's eating. We've been told to focus more on calorie intake at this point. I'm glad to hear he's doing well and I hope he continues to improve even more.

Thank you for sharing your insights junebug! It wasn't just a matter of convenience for my father - before his surgery, someone would visit for a few days every week or two, and part of the drill was that we would cook some meals plus leftovers, or bring something prepared in our homes, packaged in easy to use portions. But - the next time someone visited, we'd find the leftovers going to waste and my father eating cheap TV dinners and the like. When my mother was still alive they tried meals on wheels, but didn't care for the food. He has a free-standing freezer that's crammed full of what I consider junk food. I think it's the fact that those meals have lots of salt and fat and other stuff that's designed to basically be addictive, but I could be off the mark there. He's a very picky eater generally, and he likes his routines - he loves to be in a rut!

My father is 87 and weighs 95 pounds on a good day - maybe we should shift over to maintenance mode and start focusing on calories rather than the quality of his diet. The thing is that we went through colon cancer with my mother, and I wouldn't want my father to be subjected to anything like that.

 

[junebug17]

As to your father's diet, I wonder if he turns to tv dinners because of the convenience? Before my mother had her stroke she was making frozen dinners for herself because she just didn't want to go through the hassle of cooking. It's challenging to try to get older people to eat well. It's great that he's willing to work with you on eating healthier foods, in my mother's case we just had to give in on certain things, it was not just not worth fighting over. She's basically eating the same things every day, and they are not the healthiest choices, but at least she's eating. We've been told to focus more on calorie intake at this point. I'm glad to hear he's doing well and I hope he continues to improve even more.

Thank you for sharing your insights junebug! It wasn't just a matter of convenience for my father - before his surgery, someone would visit for a few days every week or two, and part of the drill was that we would cook some meals plus leftovers, or bring something prepared in our homes, packaged in easy to use portions. But - the next time someone visited, we'd find the leftovers going to waste and my father eating cheap TV dinners and the like. When my mother was still alive they tried meals on wheels, but didn't care for the food. He has a free-standing freezer that's crammed full of what I consider junk food. I think it's the fact that those meals have lots of salt and fat and other stuff that's designed to basically be addictive, but I could be off the mark there. He's a very picky eater generally, and he likes his routines - he loves to be in a rut!

My father is 87 and weighs 95 pounds on a good day - maybe we should shift over to maintenance mode and start focusing on calories rather than the quality of his diet. The thing is that we went through colon cancer with my mother, and I wouldn't want my father to be subjected to anything like that.

Ah ok VR, I see - he had healthy choices available but opted for the tv dinners - yes, it might be that he finds the junkier stuff more appetizing, I think that's the case with my mother. I've been told elderly people lose their sense of taste over time so they gravitate towards salty and sweet foods. My mother's a picky eater too, and will sometimes say she has no appetite. But she does seem to get hungry and will eat certain things. It can be very stressful sometimes, honestly. Hang in there, you're doing a great job in caring for your father and I'm hoping he'll turn a corner and realize it's in his best interest to eat as well as he can.

Lol, just saw your father loves to be in a rut - So does my mother! She is such a creature of habit, doesn't like any changes!

 

[random_thought]

My dad went into surgery to remove cancer from his tongue a few days ago. While the surgery went well, his heart went into heart failure. He currently is sedated and comfortable on a ventilator, but if the ventilator is removed, he will pass away. The DNR has been issued for him as well. We're leaving tonight on a 16 hour drive to see him.

 

[junebug17]

My dad went into surgery to remove cancer from his tongue a few days ago. While the surgery went well, his heart went into heart failure. He currently is sedated and comfortable on a ventilator, but if the ventilator is removed, he will pass away. The DNR has been issued for him as well. We're leaving tonight on a 16 hour drive to see him.

I'm really sorry RT, you have been through so much already with the loss of your mother and now this - my heart goes out to you and I will be keeping all of you in my thoughts. (((hugs)))

 

[random_thought]

On top of it we had to put up a gofundme to help pay for gas because we just blew all of our savings on infertility treatments which didn't work of course...

 

[junebug17]

On top of it we had to put up a gofundme to help pay for gas because we just blew all of our savings on infertility treatments which didn't work of course…

Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that RT, that is just awful - my heart goes out to you, truly sorry you're dealing with so much right now.

 

[random_thought]

Just thought I'd give an update. It turns out my dad went into septic shock after having surgery to remove cancer from his tongue. He also complained of chest pains so they ran some tests and found out that every artery to his heart except for one is beyond blocked. They are so blocked that they can't perform any type of surgery on him. We have him off of the ventilator right now and now we begin the process of weaning him off the medications. He is on the highest dose of every heart med there is. If he codes, we have a DNR for no shocks and no reintubation and no cpr. If they did it, it wouldn't make a difference because his heart is so bad. He's awake and talking to people and knows what is going on. Basically, now, we wait to see what happens...

 

[CJ2008]

My goodness, RT...

What a sad scary and stressful time for everyone...

 

[VRBeauty]

Hugs to you, RT. I'm glad you're not dealing with this all alone.

 

[tyty333]

Adding my hugs RT...this is such a difficult time. I am so glad you are able to see him right now though and vice/versa. I hope when
the time comes that he can go peacefully.

 

[junebug17]

Sending hugs and comforting thoughts RT, so sorry you're going through this.

 

[MarionC]

RT, I am thinking of you and sending love to your and your family.

 

[missy]

Random Thought, I am so sorry for what you, your dad and your family are going through. Sending you all good thoughts, healing vibes and lots of PS ***DUST***. And (((hugs))).

 

[random_thought]

Today dad is having alot of neck pain. The meds aren't working like he would like. Dad's dr is aware that a psych consult is wanted before discharge. They are doing an mri of the brain today. He's is being difficult today for the nursing staff. He's refusing to take meds because they taste bad and won't let anyone open the shades. Pretty much being a jerk again. Might be a long day.

 

[junebug17]

Oh no, sorry RT, I know how stressful it is to have an elderly parent in the hospital. The pain your father is in probably isn't helping his mood. Makes it tough on everyone, that's for sure. I'm hoping that he can be stabilized and made as comfortable as possible. Thinking of you and your family, (((hugs))))

 

[LLJsmom]

RT I am so very sorry you are going through so much. My thoughts are with you and your family. I am sending healing vibes to you and your DH. I can only imagine how difficult doing fertility treatments are and not having the outcome you want. (((hug)))

 

[KaeKae]

RT, I'm so sorry your dad isn't doing well. I'll be thinking about you both.

It isn't my parent, but my aunt who we are caring for. Our parents died young, so she and my uncle have been a second set of parental figures to us for many years. When I say caring, she's in a nursing home, near my brother. Now. Long story, but we were able to move her from NYC to NJ near him last fall. It's hard on me, being so far from them (I'm in CA) but harder on my brother, as 99% of the burden falls to him. She is doing well right now, but that can change quickly. Thankfully the new place is miles better than the first one. Not that they didn't care there, but the facility was a mess, it was too far from brother, and really, they were understaffed and cheaply run.

I'm looking forward to seeing her next month when I do my annual summer visit. Among other things, I want to get her registered to vote in NJ. She is very firm in voting AGAINST a certain individual. Actually she wants to vote again for Obama, and is disappointed that cannot happen. She makes me smile with her enthusiasm to exercise her right to vote. Even if it IS in NJ! (She lived in NYC her entire life, until last year, I think she has voted at the same place for the past 46 years.)

 

[junebug17]

KaeKae, so glad to hear your aunt is in a great facility, I'm sure it gives you and your brother peace of mind to know she is well cared for and doing well. Your aunt is lucky to have you both!

 

[KaeKae]

KaeKae, so glad to hear your aunt is in a great facility, I'm sure it gives you and your brother peace of mind to know she is well cared for and doing well. Your aunt is lucky to have you both!

Thank you Junebug. My family and I feel that we have been lucky to have had HER all these years.

 

[random_thought]

Things are finally starting to calm down over here. Dad is at home, we took him home yesterday and he has a bunch of different appointments to go to over the next week. I'll take him to the one today and then we are driving back to Colorado in the morning and extended family will help us to get him around from that point on.