a sad vent

[cbs102]

Date: 8/14/2008 8:57:53 AM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 8/13/2008 4:03:12 PM
Author: cbs102

Date: 8/13/2008 3:51:53 PM
Author: purrfectpear
You''re right. You are being a wee bit selfish. Sorry, but the daughter comes first. Now everyone can debate till the cows come home whether that is fair, correct, right, or whatever. None of that debate will change the fact that the kid was there before the girlfriend, and the majority of single parents will always put their children first.

In fact I remember posting exactly this to someone in the last couple of months who was debating a relationship with a guy who had kids.

Been there, done that. Those kiddie weekends are typically graven in stone. Get used to it, or get used to being unhappy and having disagreements.

honestly pear.. if you have not been in this situation, than you simply do not know.... i may come across as ''selfish'' but i am not. i have given up my entire life for this man .. and this man''s child. Yes, the child comes first. my relationship however will not suffer. my parents got babysitters.. why can''t we? just because he was married before and has a child does not mean that he and i will be put on the back burner.. i was really asking whether i am entiteled to these feelings and from what i have read thus far..i am.

we are also not unhappy. we are over the moon happy and this is an issue that needs to be worked on. it will not be the be all end all

I haven''t read through all of the other posts but this one in particular really concerns me.

You say you gave up your entire life for this man and this man''s child.

That''s no way to speak of your soon to be husband. You should never give up your entire life for anyone. Your partner is supposed to enrich your life, not take away. I understand that when you do something for someone, you would ''expect'' the same in return but that''s not always the case. Just because you changed your life to be with him, that doesn''t mean he''s going to change his. And assuming he''s a jerk or whatever as others have said is unfair to him because he was honest with you from the beginning. He told you he was a dad and this was his schedule.

I can see how scheduling time with dad would bother you but it really shouldn''t. The same way you feel entitled to spend alone time with your FI is the same way he is entitled to spend time doing his own thing.

As I said in my previous post, I think the whole situation is worse for you because you are in a new city and still getting familiar with everything and perhaps don''t have the type of support you would usually get when you were in your own hometown. And honestly, you are not in high school anymore where the only time you got to enjoy yourself was on the weekend. There''s still plenty of stuff you can do with your FI throughout the week.

red-
thank you.. but as you have mentioned, you have not read through all the posts. i have addressed all of this. It was my sacrifice to leave the place and people that i loved to be with this man because i love him and that was the only way. This man is my fiance. this man is my future husband. he has a name and i use it often... but not on here. i also do not think that he is a jerk. i find him to be full of love and grace. he is neither selfish or rude. he and i love each other. that was not what the post was about.

i also mentioned in another post that you failed to read, that we both work very long hours. i have an hour long commute both ways so by the time we eat dinner it is bed time. and we both agree. that is what you don''t understand. he is in full agreement with me. and all it really took was a little talk between the two of us.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/13/2008 7:33:44 PM
Author: Cleo
I just wanted to send you *hugs* and support & give you my take on it FWIW.

Whilst you knew the situation, ie. that you would have to move state, and that being with your FI would also mean spending time with his daughter (and sharing him with her) ... you couldn''t possibly know exactly what this would *feel* like, or how it would affect you until you were there living it.

(If it makes you feel any better, my best friend in England is the world''s most natural mother (although she doesn''t have children yet). Even she has struggled with sharing her future-FI with his daughter.. as much as she loves children. It''s a very hard thing to deal with).

I digress... what struck me as I read your post was that you sound a bit like I did & felt when I got post-natal depression when my son was 8 months old. I loved my baby, but I just wanted time alone with his daddy!

It kind of seems a bit like you got a version of post-natal depression. You''ve had to come to terms with (what''s effectively) motherhood... but with a child that isn''t yours, and without all the hormonal benefits & bonding you get from being the anticipation, pregnant, breastfeeding etc... all of which help to prepare you for that momentous event of sharing your life with a child - and all the demands which they bring.

I''m sure it''s a lot more complicated than that, but I figured it sort of makes sense & might help you to not be so hard on yourself over this. I would try & get some help if you can, and definitely talk to your FI about things.

Let him know you love his daughter & spending time with her, but that you do find it hard to share him, and that you cherish your time alone together at weekends - particularly since you left your friends/family behind. Let him know you feel hurt & upset that he''s planned other activities during ''your'' tme together, without talking with you first, and which don''t include you.

A lot of guys seriously just don''t even *think* about stuff like that - so he might be really shocked to know how upset you are. It doesn''t make him a bad person, just male.

x x x

PS. As a total aside, it''s great that you think he''s a wonderful father. It was my FI''s ability to be amazing with children & animals that I found really attractive too (that and him being really good looking & muscly! LOL!). I have a lot of friends who have children with men who are *useless* at being fathers... and their lives are tough. It''s like having two kids then, instead of one... as they''re having to look after both when their hubbies don''t lift a finger.

CLEO-
you have somehow summed up how i feel and explained why without even knowing. thank you for coming to my defense!!

 

[vespergirl]

Well I don''t blame you for feeling that way, but you have to understand that his daughter will, and should, always come before you. If you can''t accept that then maybe you should rethink whether this is the right relationship for you. I know that when I was single, I did some online dating, but I was never interested in dating someone who already had kids, because I knew that I did not want to deal with the whole issue of stepchildren, and sharing the person I was dating with his previous family. I don''t mean to sound harsh because I agree with you, it''s a very difficult situation, but when you becaome a parent (or step-parent) you have to realize that the children''s needs ALWAYS come first, over that of the marriage. If he took your side over his daughter''s, I think it wouldn''t make him as good of a father.

I think that if you decide to stay in this relationship, you just need to accept that you are not going to come first in his life, at least until she is 18 or 21 or grown. It would be the same if you had your own children - you would put their needs before your own until they were out on their own.

I don''t think that you''re a bad person, but I do think that you''re being selfish - I don''t think that''s a bad thing, because I was also a selfish person when I was dating, but I knew that about myself enough to not get involved in a situation that I wouldn''t like. You are in this situation now, though, so I think that your choices are either to learn to deal with your jealousy with more maturity, or to leave the relationship if you think you''re going to end up resenting the little girl or your fiance. Once again, I''m really sorry if it''s coming out harsh, I don''t mean it that way because I think what you''re feeling is natural, but only you know whether you''re going to be able to handle the situation with maturity in the long term or not.

Good luck to you - I hope that everything works out.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/14/2008 11:20:09 AM
Author: vespergirl
Well I don't blame you for feeling that way, but you have to understand that his daughter will, and should, always come before you. If you can't accept that then maybe you should rethink whether this is the right relationship for you. I know that when I was single, I did some online dating, but I was never interested in dating someone who already had kids, because I knew that I did not want to deal with the whole issue of stepchildren, and sharing the person I was dating with his previous family. I don't mean to sound harsh because I agree with you, it's a very difficult situation, but when you becaome a parent (or step-parent) you have to realize that the children's needs ALWAYS come first, over that of the marriage. If he took your side over his daughter's, I think it wouldn't make him as good of a father.

I think that if you decide to stay in this relationship, you just need to accept that you are not going to come first in his life, at least until she is 18 or 21 or grown. It would be the same if you had your own children - you would put their needs before your own until they were out on their own.

I don't think that you're a bad person, but I do think that you're being selfish - I don't think that's a bad thing, because I was also a selfish person when I was dating, but I knew that about myself enough to not get involved in a situation that I wouldn't like. You are in this situation now, though, so I think that your choices are either to learn to deal with your jealousy with more maturity, or to leave the relationship if you think you're going to end up resenting the little girl or your fiance. Once again, I'm really sorry if it's coming out harsh, I don't mean it that way because I think what you're feeling is natural, but only you know whether you're going to be able to handle the situation with maturity in the long term or not.

Good luck to you - I hope that everything works out.

well as i have previously stated.. it is fully understood that the child comes first. not only in regards to him-- but me as well... i love her. the original post was not me feeling upset about the child taking my time away from her dad. we have her every other weekend and as i have previously stated..I AM FINE WITH IT. it was him taking our free weekends to spend with his father even though we will not have another free weekend for almost 2 months. my frustration has nothing to do with the child.. it had to do with my wonderful fiancee being a little inconsiderate and not talking about it with me first.

in regards to how i handle the child.. people that know us constantly compliment all of us at how well we have blended... that i jumped right in and took this wonderful kid with open arms. she loves me.. i know this because she tells me every night when i talk to her on the phone... and i love her back. please stop insisting that i am not allowing her needs to come before mine.. i have never once stated that.

 

[blondie23]

I guess what I am having a hard time understanding is that he only sees his daughter 4-6 days a month (6 days assuming he gets his daughter on Friday evenings). That leaves you both with 26 days to be together. Now, he is using an additional 4 days during the month to go on a trip with his father…leaving you anywhere from 20-22 days. You say that you both work extremely long hours so by the time you get home from work you’re both exhausted. I think the flaw in your argument is in that last statement. I’m not disagreeing that you’re exhausted when you get home from work, but you can also use the time you do have more effectively. Stay up an hour longer and do something together, go to a movie, go on a walk, etc.

You CAN have “date” night anytime. Just because he is using your 2 “free” weekends to spend with his father (and I do agree he should have discussed this with you first before making those plans) doesn’t mean it has to affect your relationship. You can make this situation work to your benefit. Instead of coming home from work, eating dinner, and going to bed, what if you cam home from work, went out to eat, and then a movie?? Since he’s not going to be there for your “free” weekends, you really need to use the time you DO have and make it count.

Do you have the right to feel this way? Yes! But, I also think you need to take some responsibility. You have weeknights to do something, anything, with your FI and you should really take advantage of those evenings. You and your FI should try and come up with a plan like, every Tuesday we will go to dinner and have date night, etc no matter how exhausted we are.

I really do feel for you and understand why you are sad, but instead of looking at the negatives of the situation (i.e. losing your free weekends), look at the positives. You have 5 nights a week together. Your situation could be worse. He could split the time with his ex 50/50 so his daughter was at your house 15 days a month.

Hugs to you! I’m not trying to be harsh, I just want you to see that in the world of divorced parents/step-children, you really have the best situation possible.

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 8/14/2008 11:31:38 AM
Author: cbs102

Date: 8/14/2008 11:20:09 AM
Author: vespergirl
Well I don''t blame you for feeling that way, but you have to understand that his daughter will, and should, always come before you. If you can''t accept that then maybe you should rethink whether this is the right relationship for you. I know that when I was single, I did some online dating, but I was never interested in dating someone who already had kids, because I knew that I did not want to deal with the whole issue of stepchildren, and sharing the person I was dating with his previous family. I don''t mean to sound harsh because I agree with you, it''s a very difficult situation, but when you becaome a parent (or step-parent) you have to realize that the children''s needs ALWAYS come first, over that of the marriage. If he took your side over his daughter''s, I think it wouldn''t make him as good of a father.

I think that if you decide to stay in this relationship, you just need to accept that you are not going to come first in his life, at least until she is 18 or 21 or grown. It would be the same if you had your own children - you would put their needs before your own until they were out on their own.

I don''t think that you''re a bad person, but I do think that you''re being selfish - I don''t think that''s a bad thing, because I was also a selfish person when I was dating, but I knew that about myself enough to not get involved in a situation that I wouldn''t like. You are in this situation now, though, so I think that your choices are either to learn to deal with your jealousy with more maturity, or to leave the relationship if you think you''re going to end up resenting the little girl or your fiance. Once again, I''m really sorry if it''s coming out harsh, I don''t mean it that way because I think what you''re feeling is natural, but only you know whether you''re going to be able to handle the situation with maturity in the long term or not.

Good luck to you - I hope that everything works out.

well as i have previously stated.. it is fully understood that the child comes first. not only in regards to him-- but me as well... i love her. the original post was not me feeling upset about the child taking my time away from her dad. we have her every other weekend and as i have previously stated..I AM FINE WITH IT. it was him taking our free weekends to spend with his father even though we will not have another free weekend for almost 2 months. my frustration has nothing to do with the child.. it had to do with my wonderful fiancee being a little inconsiderate and not talking about it with me first.

in regards to how i handle the child.. people that know us constantly compliment all of us at how well we have blended... that i jumped right in and took this wonderful kid with open arms. she loves me.. i know this because she tells me every night when i talk to her on the phone... and i love her back. please stop insisting that i am not allowing her needs to come before mine.. i have never once stated that.

Wow, what a snippy response. I was trying to be supportive, and present some chioces from the information you provided. I never once "insisted that you are not allowing her needs to come before yours" - there was never anything like that in my response. If you didn''t want us to share our advice, then you shouldn''t have posted.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/14/2008 11:35:05 AM
Author: blondie23

I guess what I am having a hard time understanding is that he only sees his daughter 4-6 days a month (6 days assuming he gets his daughter on Friday evenings). That leaves you both with 26 days to be together. Now, he is using an additional 4 days during the month to go on a trip with his father…leaving you anywhere from 20-22 days. You say that you both work extremely long hours so by the time you get home from work you’re both exhausted. I think the flaw in your argument is in that last statement. I’m not disagreeing that you’re exhausted when you get home from work, but you can also use the time you do have more effectively. Stay up and hour longer and do something together, go to a movie, go on a walk, etc.

You CAN have “date” night anytime. Just because he is using your 2 “free” weekends to spend with his father (and I do agree he should have discussed this with you first before making those plans) doesn’t mean it has to affect your relationship. You can make this situation work to your benefit. Instead of coming home from work, eating dinner, and going to bed, what if you cam home from work, went out to eat, and then a movie?? Since he’s not going to be there for your “free” weekends, you really need to use the time you DO have and make it count.

Do you have the right to feel this way? Yes! But, I also think you need to take some responsibility. You have weeknights to do something, anything, with your FI and you should really take advantage of those evenings. You and your FI should try and come up with a plan like, every Tuesday we will go to dinner and have date night, etc no matter how exhausted we are.

I really do feel for you and understand why you are sad, but instead of looking at the negatives of the situation (i.e. losing your free weekends), look at the positives. You have 5 nights a week together. Your situation could be worse. He could split the time with his ex 50/50 so his daughter was at your house 15 days a month.

Hugs to you! I’m not trying to be harsh, I just want you to see that in the world of divorced parents/step-children, you really have the best situation possible.

blondie-
first, this situation has not effected our relationship- at all. and i thank you for the advice but we have tried all that.. bottom line- we are tired and all we want is sleep. you mentioned "my last argument".. why is this turning into one.i do not want my relationsip to be analyzed and my post picked apart. this has nothing to do with his daughter... i just cannot understand why people keep insisting that i cannot deal with the child and the visits.. i can deal.. and i deal well. we do have a good set up and i am lucky that we get "free weekends"... my relationship is in wonderful shape. we have much much love between the two of us and his daughter. what we don't have is a lot of time to really spend quality time together. we make the best of the time that we have though.

my fiancee and i have worked this out. we are making the best of the situation. it is what it is and i am fine with it. the sadness and anxiety and everything else have passed. i wish people would move on too.

 

[blondie23]

Date: 8/14/2008 11:42:44 AM
Author: cbs102

Date: 8/14/2008 11:35:05 AM
Author: blondie23

I guess what I am having a hard time understanding is that he only sees his daughter 4-6 days a month (6 days assuming he gets his daughter on Friday evenings). That leaves you both with 26 days to be together. Now, he is using an additional 4 days during the month to go on a trip with his father…leaving you anywhere from 20-22 days. You say that you both work extremely long hours so by the time you get home from work you’re both exhausted. I think the flaw in your argument is in that last statement. I’m not disagreeing that you’re exhausted when you get home from work, but you can also use the time you do have more effectively. Stay up and hour longer and do something together, go to a movie, go on a walk, etc.

You CAN have “date” night anytime. Just because he is using your 2 “free” weekends to spend with his father (and I do agree he should have discussed this with you first before making those plans) doesn’t mean it has to affect your relationship. You can make this situation work to your benefit. Instead of coming home from work, eating dinner, and going to bed, what if you cam home from work, went out to eat, and then a movie?? Since he’s not going to be there for your “free” weekends, you really need to use the time you DO have and make it count.

Do you have the right to feel this way? Yes! But, I also think you need to take some responsibility. You have weeknights to do something, anything, with your FI and you should really take advantage of those evenings. You and your FI should try and come up with a plan like, every Tuesday we will go to dinner and have date night, etc no matter how exhausted we are.

I really do feel for you and understand why you are sad, but instead of looking at the negatives of the situation (i.e. losing your free weekends), look at the positives. You have 5 nights a week together. Your situation could be worse. He could split the time with his ex 50/50 so his daughter was at your house 15 days a month.

Hugs to you! I’m not trying to be harsh, I just want you to see that in the world of divorced parents/step-children, you really have the best situation possible.

blondie-
first, this situation has not effected our relationship- at all. and i thank you for the advice but we have tried all that.. bottom line- we are tired and all we want is sleep. you mentioned ''my last argument''.. why is this turning into one.i do not want my relationsip to be analyzed and my post picked apart. this has nothing to do with his daughter... i just cannot understand why people keeo insisting that i cannot deal with the child and the visits.. i don''t. we do have a good set up and i am lucky that we get ''free weekends''... my relationship is in wonderful shape. we have much much between the two of us and his daughter. what we don''t have is a lot of time to really spend quality time together. we make the best of the time that we have though.

my fiancee and i have worked this out. we are making the best of the situation. it is what it is and i am fine with it. the sadness and anxiety and everything else have passed. i wish people would move on too.

Oh sorry. I didn''t realize you had already resolved the situation.About the "last argument", I wasn''t trying to turn it into an argument, I was simply saying that I know you are exhausted after work, but if that is the only time you can have "us" time, then use it effectively. Also, I wasn''t saying that you had a problem with his daughter''s visits. I was just trying to give you some alternatives to better use your time effectively when the daughter is not around, even if it meant during the week. Would you get more quality time on the weekends? Probably. Is that the situation you''re currently in? Not exactly since you just lost your 2 free weekends. I was just trying to show you that there are other solutions out there.

I''m glad that you and your FI have come up with a solution that works for you both.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/14/2008 11:38:20 AM
Author: vespergirl

Date: 8/14/2008 11:31:38 AM
Author: cbs102

Date: 8/14/2008 11:20:09 AM
Author: vespergirl
Well I don''t blame you for feeling that way, but you have to understand that his daughter will, and should, always come before you. If you can''t accept that then maybe you should rethink whether this is the right relationship for you. I know that when I was single, I did some online dating, but I was never interested in dating someone who already had kids, because I knew that I did not want to deal with the whole issue of stepchildren, and sharing the person I was dating with his previous family. I don''t mean to sound harsh because I agree with you, it''s a very difficult situation, but when you becaome a parent (or step-parent) you have to realize that the children''s needs ALWAYS come first, over that of the marriage. If he took your side over his daughter''s, I think it wouldn''t make him as good of a father.

I think that if you decide to stay in this relationship, you just need to accept that you are not going to come first in his life, at least until she is 18 or 21 or grown. It would be the same if you had your own children - you would put their needs before your own until they were out on their own.

I don''t think that you''re a bad person, but I do think that you''re being selfish - I don''t think that''s a bad thing, because I was also a selfish person when I was dating, but I knew that about myself enough to not get involved in a situation that I wouldn''t like. You are in this situation now, though, so I think that your choices are either to learn to deal with your jealousy with more maturity, or to leave the relationship if you think you''re going to end up resenting the little girl or your fiance. Once again, I''m really sorry if it''s coming out harsh, I don''t mean it that way because I think what you''re feeling is natural, but only you know whether you''re going to be able to handle the situation with maturity in the long term or not.

Good luck to you - I hope that everything works out.

well as i have previously stated.. it is fully understood that the child comes first. not only in regards to him-- but me as well... i love her. the original post was not me feeling upset about the child taking my time away from her dad. we have her every other weekend and as i have previously stated..I AM FINE WITH IT. it was him taking our free weekends to spend with his father even though we will not have another free weekend for almost 2 months. my frustration has nothing to do with the child.. it had to do with my wonderful fiancee being a little inconsiderate and not talking about it with me first.

in regards to how i handle the child.. people that know us constantly compliment all of us at how well we have blended... that i jumped right in and took this wonderful kid with open arms. she loves me.. i know this because she tells me every night when i talk to her on the phone... and i love her back. please stop insisting that i am not allowing her needs to come before mine.. i have never once stated that.

Wow, what a snippy response. I was trying to be supportive, and present some chioces from the information you provided. I never once ''insisted that you are not allowing her needs to come before yours'' - there was never anything like that in my response. If you didn''t want us to share our advice, then you shouldn''t have posted.

Vesper-
I am sorry that you feel my response was snippy.. it was not intended to be. First thing is that i have addressed alll the issues in other posts. people seem to think that i cannot handle not being his first priority.. i can and do deal with that. it was difficult for me at first to come to terms with that.. but i really do understand that this child was dealt a sh*ty hand and she needs her daddy and she should be put first, rightfully so. however, i do know that i am an adult figure in her life and i am her step-mother and i don''t think that she should think that he needs will always trump mine. we are really working hard at trying to find a happy medium. My best friend is a family therapist and we have met with her along with the daughter to see how she was adjusting. she is doing well.. her feelings of jealousy are validated and my feelings of adjusting are also validated.

I posted this yesterday and did not ask for advice. thank you for offering some anyway. I read your post as basically i cannot hack this relationship and i felt defensive. so i apologize for making you feel that i bet your head off... the origianl post had nothing to do with my relationship with her, his relationship with her, or me putting my needs before hers. it was simply a frustrated rant about how i felt neglected by my FI on an off weekend.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/14/2008 11:50:23 AM
Author: blondie23

Date: 8/14/2008 11:42:44 AM
Author: cbs102

Date: 8/14/2008 11:35:05 AM
Author: blondie23

I guess what I am having a hard time understanding is that he only sees his daughter 4-6 days a month (6 days assuming he gets his daughter on Friday evenings). That leaves you both with 26 days to be together. Now, he is using an additional 4 days during the month to go on a trip with his father…leaving you anywhere from 20-22 days. You say that you both work extremely long hours so by the time you get home from work you’re both exhausted. I think the flaw in your argument is in that last statement. I’m not disagreeing that you’re exhausted when you get home from work, but you can also use the time you do have more effectively. Stay up and hour longer and do something together, go to a movie, go on a walk, etc.

You CAN have “date” night anytime. Just because he is using your 2 “free” weekends to spend with his father (and I do agree he should have discussed this with you first before making those plans) doesn’t mean it has to affect your relationship. You can make this situation work to your benefit. Instead of coming home from work, eating dinner, and going to bed, what if you cam home from work, went out to eat, and then a movie?? Since he’s not going to be there for your “free” weekends, you really need to use the time you DO have and make it count.

Do you have the right to feel this way? Yes! But, I also think you need to take some responsibility. You have weeknights to do something, anything, with your FI and you should really take advantage of those evenings. You and your FI should try and come up with a plan like, every Tuesday we will go to dinner and have date night, etc no matter how exhausted we are.

I really do feel for you and understand why you are sad, but instead of looking at the negatives of the situation (i.e. losing your free weekends), look at the positives. You have 5 nights a week together. Your situation could be worse. He could split the time with his ex 50/50 so his daughter was at your house 15 days a month.

Hugs to you! I’m not trying to be harsh, I just want you to see that in the world of divorced parents/step-children, you really have the best situation possible.

blondie-
first, this situation has not effected our relationship- at all. and i thank you for the advice but we have tried all that.. bottom line- we are tired and all we want is sleep. you mentioned ''my last argument''.. why is this turning into one.i do not want my relationsip to be analyzed and my post picked apart. this has nothing to do with his daughter... i just cannot understand why people keeo insisting that i cannot deal with the child and the visits.. i don''t. we do have a good set up and i am lucky that we get ''free weekends''... my relationship is in wonderful shape. we have much much between the two of us and his daughter. what we don''t have is a lot of time to really spend quality time together. we make the best of the time that we have though.

my fiancee and i have worked this out. we are making the best of the situation. it is what it is and i am fine with it. the sadness and anxiety and everything else have passed. i wish people would move on too.

Oh sorry. I didn''t realize you had already resolved the situation.About the ''last argument'', I wasn''t trying to turn it into an argument, I was simply saying that I know you are exhausted after work, but if that is the only time you can have ''us'' time, then use it effectively. Also, I wasn''t saying that you had a problem with his daughter''s visits. I was just trying to give you some alternatives to better use your time effectively when the daughter is not around, even if it meant during the week. Would you get more quality time on the weekends? Probably. Is that the situation you''re currently in? Not exactly since you just lost your 2 free weekends. I was just trying to show you that there are other solutions out there.

I''m glad that you and your FI have come up with a solution that works for you both.

blondie-
thank you- really.. this is not how i wanted this post thing to all pan out!! i truely just wanted to rant before i went home and passed my frustration off on someone that does not deserve it. its tough trying to explain a situation to people that don''t know us.. and also over the internet when things sort of get lost in translation so to speak...

we had a long talk last night and he does realize how i feel and we are totally committed to making this work because we really do love one another... thanks again.. and please don''t take offense to my previous posts!

 

[Pandora II]

Oh gosh, I so understand where you are coming from.

I dated a man with a 5 year-old daughter and found it incredibly hard.

Eventually I did leave because I knew that I would never be truly happy. I was living abroad and would be tied to that place forever (I am someone who has spent all their life moving around and find it hard to stay in one place for a long, long time). I resented that our plans for weekends, vacations and holidays were all programmed around his daughter.

In the end I resented her, felt bad for doing so, felt that even if we had children of our own we would never truly be our own family with the freedom to make choices based only on us, resented that I was putting my career on the backburner to stay in that place, resented it when he wanted to spend time with the boys on 'our' weekends (Saturday one weekend, Sunday the next where he would go cycling all day) and resented his ex-wife always being in the background and forever wanting more $$$.

I know people who can do it and I admire them. I couldn't, and I made the choice to walk away. I also made a decision to NEVER date another man with children unless he was a widower.

I wish you lots of luck, and don't be too hard on yourself, it's a very tricky situation to be in.


Weekends are very important and precious - especially if you both work long hours, so I totally see the OP's point of view. The other 26 days are not 'quality' time if you are eating dinner and then going to bed.

 

[beebrisk]

Date: 8/14/2008 11:38:20 AM
Author: vespergirl

Date: 8/14/2008 11:31:38 AM

Author: cbs102

Date: 8/14/2008 11:20:09 AM

Author: vespergirl

Well I don''t blame you for feeling that way, but you have to understand that his daughter will, and should, always come before you. If you can''t accept that then maybe you should rethink whether this is the right relationship for you. I know that when I was single, I did some online dating, but I was never interested in dating someone who already had kids, because I knew that I did not want to deal with the whole issue of stepchildren, and sharing the person I was dating with his previous family. I don''t mean to sound harsh because I agree with you, it''s a very difficult situation, but when you becaome a parent (or step-parent) you have to realize that the children''s needs ALWAYS come first, over that of the marriage. If he took your side over his daughter''s, I think it wouldn''t make him as good of a father.


I think that if you decide to stay in this relationship, you just need to accept that you are not going to come first in his life, at least until she is 18 or 21 or grown. It would be the same if you had your own children - you would put their needs before your own until they were out on their own.


I don''t think that you''re a bad person, but I do think that you''re being selfish - I don''t think that''s a bad thing, because I was also a selfish person when I was dating, but I knew that about myself enough to not get involved in a situation that I wouldn''t like. You are in this situation now, though, so I think that your choices are either to learn to deal with your jealousy with more maturity, or to leave the relationship if you think you''re going to end up resenting the little girl or your fiance. Once again, I''m really sorry if it''s coming out harsh, I don''t mean it that way because I think what you''re feeling is natural, but only you know whether you''re going to be able to handle the situation with maturity in the long term or not.


Good luck to you - I hope that everything works out.

well as i have previously stated.. it is fully understood that the child comes first. not only in regards to him-- but me as well... i love her. the original post was not me feeling upset about the child taking my time away from her dad. we have her every other weekend and as i have previously stated..I AM FINE WITH IT. it was him taking our free weekends to spend with his father even though we will not have another free weekend for almost 2 months. my frustration has nothing to do with the child.. it had to do with my wonderful fiancee being a little inconsiderate and not talking about it with me first.


in regards to how i handle the child.. people that know us constantly compliment all of us at how well we have blended... that i jumped right in and took this wonderful kid with open arms. she loves me.. i know this because she tells me every night when i talk to her on the phone... and i love her back. please stop insisting that i am not allowing her needs to come before mine.. i have never once stated that.

Wow, what a snippy response. I was trying to be supportive, and present some chioces from the information you provided. I never once ''insisted that you are not allowing her needs to come before yours'' - there was never anything like that in my response. If you didn''t want us to share our advice, then you shouldn''t have posted.

I find it interesting how you''ve called the responses that were not sympathetic to your situation "snippy" and "judgmental".

This is a "forum", a place for *all* ideas to be heard. Each of us assessed and analyzed what you had to say and responded honestly.

Some responses you didn''t like or agree with...okay, fine. But as I said before, if you put it out there you should expect a myriad of views.

My assumption is that when someone posts honestly, they are looking for honest responses. Perhaps in this case my assumption was incorrect.

Good luck to you, your FI and most especially his daughter.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/14/2008 12:29:23 PM
Author: beebrisk

Date: 8/14/2008 11:38:20 AM
Author: vespergirl

Date: 8/14/2008 11:31:38 AM

Author: cbs102

Date: 8/14/2008 11:20:09 AM

Author: vespergirl

Well I don''t blame you for feeling that way, but you have to understand that his daughter will, and should, always come before you. If you can''t accept that then maybe you should rethink whether this is the right relationship for you. I know that when I was single, I did some online dating, but I was never interested in dating someone who already had kids, because I knew that I did not want to deal with the whole issue of stepchildren, and sharing the person I was dating with his previous family. I don''t mean to sound harsh because I agree with you, it''s a very difficult situation, but when you becaome a parent (or step-parent) you have to realize that the children''s needs ALWAYS come first, over that of the marriage. If he took your side over his daughter''s, I think it wouldn''t make him as good of a father.


I think that if you decide to stay in this relationship, you just need to accept that you are not going to come first in his life, at least until she is 18 or 21 or grown. It would be the same if you had your own children - you would put their needs before your own until they were out on their own.


I don''t think that you''re a bad person, but I do think that you''re being selfish - I don''t think that''s a bad thing, because I was also a selfish person when I was dating, but I knew that about myself enough to not get involved in a situation that I wouldn''t like. You are in this situation now, though, so I think that your choices are either to learn to deal with your jealousy with more maturity, or to leave the relationship if you think you''re going to end up resenting the little girl or your fiance. Once again, I''m really sorry if it''s coming out harsh, I don''t mean it that way because I think what you''re feeling is natural, but only you know whether you''re going to be able to handle the situation with maturity in the long term or not.


Good luck to you - I hope that everything works out.

well as i have previously stated.. it is fully understood that the child comes first. not only in regards to him-- but me as well... i love her. the original post was not me feeling upset about the child taking my time away from her dad. we have her every other weekend and as i have previously stated..I AM FINE WITH IT. it was him taking our free weekends to spend with his father even though we will not have another free weekend for almost 2 months. my frustration has nothing to do with the child.. it had to do with my wonderful fiancee being a little inconsiderate and not talking about it with me first.


in regards to how i handle the child.. people that know us constantly compliment all of us at how well we have blended... that i jumped right in and took this wonderful kid with open arms. she loves me.. i know this because she tells me every night when i talk to her on the phone... and i love her back. please stop insisting that i am not allowing her needs to come before mine.. i have never once stated that.

Wow, what a snippy response. I was trying to be supportive, and present some chioces from the information you provided. I never once ''insisted that you are not allowing her needs to come before yours'' - there was never anything like that in my response. If you didn''t want us to share our advice, then you shouldn''t have posted.

I find it interesting how you''ve called the responses that were not sympathetic to your situation ''snippy'' and ''judgmental''.

This is a ''forum'', a place for *all* ideas to be heard. Each of us assessed and analyzed what you had to say and responded honestly.

Some responses you didn''t like or agree with...okay, fine. But as I said before, if you put it out there you should expect a myriad of views.

My assumption is that when someone posts honestly, they are looking for honest responses. Perhaps in this case my assumption was incorrect.

Good luck to you, your FI and most especially his daughter.

actually, i only called you judgemental.i also called you rude.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 8/14/2008 9:10:37 AM
Author: cbs102
red-
thank you.. but as you have mentioned, you have not read through all the posts. i have addressed all of this. It was my sacrifice to leave the place and people that i loved to be with this man because i love him and that was the only way. This man is my fiance. this man is my future husband. he has a name and i use it often... but not on here. i also do not think that he is a jerk. i find him to be full of love and grace. he is neither selfish or rude. he and i love each other. that was not what the post was about.

i also mentioned in another post that you failed to read, that we both work very long hours. i have an hour long commute both ways so by the time we eat dinner it is bed time. and we both agree. that is what you don''t understand. he is in full agreement with me. and all it really took was a little talk between the two of us.

I feel you on the not having time thing. We both work 45 to 60 hours a week and for the past few months he''s been preparing for his producer contest so he spends a lot of time in the studio on the weekend. I can''t imagine throwing a child in the mix. I can tell you that for us, we do little things to spend time together. We like to go to the movies or to the mall on Wednesdays to hang out. Sometimes something as simple as ordering in and shutting off the TV helps. We''ll even watch a movie in the bedroom even if we can''t finish it all in one night. He wanted to watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy so every night we''d watch a scene or two before going to bed. It was nice, even if only for an hour, to sit in silence and watch a movie together. I agree with blondie that if you want to make time together, you can find it.

 

[cbs102]

Date: 8/14/2008 12:37:03 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 8/14/2008 9:10:37 AM
Author: cbs102
red-
thank you.. but as you have mentioned, you have not read through all the posts. i have addressed all of this. It was my sacrifice to leave the place and people that i loved to be with this man because i love him and that was the only way. This man is my fiance. this man is my future husband. he has a name and i use it often... but not on here. i also do not think that he is a jerk. i find him to be full of love and grace. he is neither selfish or rude. he and i love each other. that was not what the post was about.

i also mentioned in another post that you failed to read, that we both work very long hours. i have an hour long commute both ways so by the time we eat dinner it is bed time. and we both agree. that is what you don''t understand. he is in full agreement with me. and all it really took was a little talk between the two of us.

I feel you on the not having time thing. We both work 45 to 60 hours a week and for the past few months he''s been preparing for his producer contest so he spends a lot of time in the studio on the weekend. I can''t imagine throwing a child in the mix. I can tell you that for us, we do little things to spend time together. We like to go to the movies or to the mall on Wednesdays to hang out. Sometimes something as simple as ordering in and shutting off the TV helps. We''ll even watch a movie in the bedroom even if we can''t finish it all in one night. He wanted to watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy so every night we''d watch a scene or two before going to bed. It was nice, even if only for an hour, to sit in silence and watch a movie together. I agree with blondie that if you want to make time together, you can find it.

yes we do all that... we do.. even though he turns on the tv and i am snoring away about 10 minutes later! last night we went for a nice walk to talk things out and it was wonderful. i was just feeling a little neglected yesterday... i do really value the little time together.
thank you for understanding!

 

[beebrisk]

Date: 8/14/2008 12:34:59 PM
Author: cbs102

Date: 8/14/2008 12:29:23 PM

Author: beebrisk

Date: 8/14/2008 11:38:20 AM

Author: vespergirl

Date: 8/14/2008 11:31:38 AM


Author: cbs102

Date: 8/14/2008 11:20:09 AM


Author: vespergirl


Well I don''t blame you for feeling that way, but you have to understand that his daughter will, and should, always come before you. If you can''t accept that then maybe you should rethink whether this is the right relationship for you. I know that when I was single, I did some online dating, but I was never interested in dating someone who already had kids, because I knew that I did not want to deal with the whole issue of stepchildren, and sharing the person I was dating with his previous family. I don''t mean to sound harsh because I agree with you, it''s a very difficult situation, but when you becaome a parent (or step-parent) you have to realize that the children''s needs ALWAYS come first, over that of the marriage. If he took your side over his daughter''s, I think it wouldn''t make him as good of a father.



I think that if you decide to stay in this relationship, you just need to accept that you are not going to come first in his life, at least until she is 18 or 21 or grown. It would be the same if you had your own children - you would put their needs before your own until they were out on their own.



I don''t think that you''re a bad person, but I do think that you''re being selfish - I don''t think that''s a bad thing, because I was also a selfish person when I was dating, but I knew that about myself enough to not get involved in a situation that I wouldn''t like. You are in this situation now, though, so I think that your choices are either to learn to deal with your jealousy with more maturity, or to leave the relationship if you think you''re going to end up resenting the little girl or your fiance. Once again, I''m really sorry if it''s coming out harsh, I don''t mean it that way because I think what you''re feeling is natural, but only you know whether you''re going to be able to handle the situation with maturity in the long term or not.



Good luck to you - I hope that everything works out.

well as i have previously stated.. it is fully understood that the child comes first. not only in regards to him-- but me as well... i love her. the original post was not me feeling upset about the child taking my time away from her dad. we have her every other weekend and as i have previously stated..I AM FINE WITH IT. it was him taking our free weekends to spend with his father even though we will not have another free weekend for almost 2 months. my frustration has nothing to do with the child.. it had to do with my wonderful fiancee being a little inconsiderate and not talking about it with me first.



in regards to how i handle the child.. people that know us constantly compliment all of us at how well we have blended... that i jumped right in and took this wonderful kid with open arms. she loves me.. i know this because she tells me every night when i talk to her on the phone... and i love her back. please stop insisting that i am not allowing her needs to come before mine.. i have never once stated that.

Wow, what a snippy response. I was trying to be supportive, and present some chioces from the information you provided. I never once ''insisted that you are not allowing her needs to come before yours'' - there was never anything like that in my response. If you didn''t want us to share our advice, then you shouldn''t have posted.

I find it interesting how you''ve called the responses that were not sympathetic to your situation ''snippy'' and ''judgmental''.


This is a ''forum'', a place for *all* ideas to be heard. Each of us assessed and analyzed what you had to say and responded honestly.


Some responses you didn''t like or agree with...okay, fine. But as I said before, if you put it out there you should expect a myriad of views.


My assumption is that when someone posts honestly, they are looking for honest responses. Perhaps in this case my assumption was incorrect.


Good luck to you, your FI and most especially his daughter.

actually, i only called you judgemental.i also called you rude.

...And you are certainly entitled to your opinion as well!

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 8/14/2008 11:54:48 AM
Author: cbs102

Date: 8/14/2008 11:38:20 AM
Author: vespergirl

Date: 8/14/2008 11:31:38 AM
Author: cbs102

Date: 8/14/2008 11:20:09 AM
Author: vespergirl
Well I don''t blame you for feeling that way, but you have to understand that his daughter will, and should, always come before you. If you can''t accept that then maybe you should rethink whether this is the right relationship for you. I know that when I was single, I did some online dating, but I was never interested in dating someone who already had kids, because I knew that I did not want to deal with the whole issue of stepchildren, and sharing the person I was dating with his previous family. I don''t mean to sound harsh because I agree with you, it''s a very difficult situation, but when you becaome a parent (or step-parent) you have to realize that the children''s needs ALWAYS come first, over that of the marriage. If he took your side over his daughter''s, I think it wouldn''t make him as good of a father.

I think that if you decide to stay in this relationship, you just need to accept that you are not going to come first in his life, at least until she is 18 or 21 or grown. It would be the same if you had your own children - you would put their needs before your own until they were out on their own.

I don''t think that you''re a bad person, but I do think that you''re being selfish - I don''t think that''s a bad thing, because I was also a selfish person when I was dating, but I knew that about myself enough to not get involved in a situation that I wouldn''t like. You are in this situation now, though, so I think that your choices are either to learn to deal with your jealousy with more maturity, or to leave the relationship if you think you''re going to end up resenting the little girl or your fiance. Once again, I''m really sorry if it''s coming out harsh, I don''t mean it that way because I think what you''re feeling is natural, but only you know whether you''re going to be able to handle the situation with maturity in the long term or not.

Good luck to you - I hope that everything works out.

well as i have previously stated.. it is fully understood that the child comes first. not only in regards to him-- but me as well... i love her. the original post was not me feeling upset about the child taking my time away from her dad. we have her every other weekend and as i have previously stated..I AM FINE WITH IT. it was him taking our free weekends to spend with his father even though we will not have another free weekend for almost 2 months. my frustration has nothing to do with the child.. it had to do with my wonderful fiancee being a little inconsiderate and not talking about it with me first.

in regards to how i handle the child.. people that know us constantly compliment all of us at how well we have blended... that i jumped right in and took this wonderful kid with open arms. she loves me.. i know this because she tells me every night when i talk to her on the phone... and i love her back. please stop insisting that i am not allowing her needs to come before mine.. i have never once stated that.

Wow, what a snippy response. I was trying to be supportive, and present some chioces from the information you provided. I never once ''insisted that you are not allowing her needs to come before yours'' - there was never anything like that in my response. If you didn''t want us to share our advice, then you shouldn''t have posted.

Vesper-
I am sorry that you feel my response was snippy.. it was not intended to be. First thing is that i have addressed alll the issues in other posts. people seem to think that i cannot handle not being his first priority.. i can and do deal with that. it was difficult for me at first to come to terms with that.. but i really do understand that this child was dealt a sh*ty hand and she needs her daddy and she should be put first, rightfully so. however, i do know that i am an adult figure in her life and i am her step-mother and i don''t think that she should think that he needs will always trump mine. we are really working hard at trying to find a happy medium. My best friend is a family therapist and we have met with her along with the daughter to see how she was adjusting. she is doing well.. her feelings of jealousy are validated and my feelings of adjusting are also validated.

I posted this yesterday and did not ask for advice. thank you for offering some anyway. I read your post as basically i cannot hack this relationship and i felt defensive. so i apologize for making you feel that i bet your head off... the origianl post had nothing to do with my relationship with her, his relationship with her, or me putting my needs before hers. it was simply a frustrated rant about how i felt neglected by my FI on an off weekend.

Hey there, I''m glad that everything is working out okay. It sounds like you guys had a stressful situation, but you''re working it out. I think that anyone with a family can sympathize - we all go through days like that, but since you guys are committed to making it work, I''m sure that everything will be fine.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 8/14/2008 11:20:09 AM
Author: vespergirl
Well I don''t blame you for feeling that way, but you have to understand that his daughter will, and should, always come before you. If you can''t accept that then maybe you should rethink whether this is the right relationship for you. I know that when I was single, I did some online dating, but I was never interested in dating someone who already had kids, because I knew that I did not want to deal with the whole issue of stepchildren, and sharing the person I was dating with his previous family. I don''t mean to sound harsh because I agree with you, it''s a very difficult situation, but when you becaome a parent (or step-parent) you have to realize that the children''s needs ALWAYS come first, over that of the marriage. If he took your side over his daughter''s, I think it wouldn''t make him as good of a father.

I think that if you decide to stay in this relationship, you just need to accept that you are not going to come first in his life, at least until she is 18 or 21 or grown. It would be the same if you had your own children - you would put their needs before your own until they were out on their own.

I don''t think that you''re a bad person, but I do think that you''re being selfish - I don''t think that''s a bad thing, because I was also a selfish person when I was dating, but I knew that about myself enough to not get involved in a situation that I wouldn''t like. You are in this situation now, though, so I think that your choices are either to learn to deal with your jealousy with more maturity, or to leave the relationship if you think you''re going to end up resenting the little girl or your fiance. Once again, I''m really sorry if it''s coming out harsh, I don''t mean it that way because I think what you''re feeling is natural, but only you know whether you''re going to be able to handle the situation with maturity in the long term or not.

Good luck to you - I hope that everything works out.

No. Sorry. Children do not ''come before'' a marriage. Not even if you had the child first. The marriage bond is supposed to take precedence over other relationships; even children. Obviously, no one would deny a child''s right to the love and security of knowing they are wanted. Their basic needs, both physical and emotional, and what is deemed ''best for them'' come first because they are children; but you do not ''rank'' them above your marriage. To do so, lets the child know that they are, in fact, in charge of the family dynamics.

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 8/14/2008 1:29:38 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 8/14/2008 11:20:09 AM
Author: vespergirl
Well I don''t blame you for feeling that way, but you have to understand that his daughter will, and should, always come before you. If you can''t accept that then maybe you should rethink whether this is the right relationship for you. I know that when I was single, I did some online dating, but I was never interested in dating someone who already had kids, because I knew that I did not want to deal with the whole issue of stepchildren, and sharing the person I was dating with his previous family. I don''t mean to sound harsh because I agree with you, it''s a very difficult situation, but when you becaome a parent (or step-parent) you have to realize that the children''s needs ALWAYS come first, over that of the marriage. If he took your side over his daughter''s, I think it wouldn''t make him as good of a father.

I think that if you decide to stay in this relationship, you just need to accept that you are not going to come first in his life, at least until she is 18 or 21 or grown. It would be the same if you had your own children - you would put their needs before your own until they were out on their own.

I don''t think that you''re a bad person, but I do think that you''re being selfish - I don''t think that''s a bad thing, because I was also a selfish person when I was dating, but I knew that about myself enough to not get involved in a situation that I wouldn''t like. You are in this situation now, though, so I think that your choices are either to learn to deal with your jealousy with more maturity, or to leave the relationship if you think you''re going to end up resenting the little girl or your fiance. Once again, I''m really sorry if it''s coming out harsh, I don''t mean it that way because I think what you''re feeling is natural, but only you know whether you''re going to be able to handle the situation with maturity in the long term or not.

Good luck to you - I hope that everything works out.

No. Sorry. Children do not ''come before'' a marriage. Not even if you had the child first. The marriage bond is supposed to take precedence over other relationships; even children. Obviously, no one would deny a child''s right to the love and security of knowing they are wanted. Their basic needs, both physical and emotional, and what is deemed ''best for them'' come first because they are children; but you do not ''rank'' them above your marriage. To do so, lets the child know that they are, in fact, in charge of the family dynamics.

Well, I guess we''re going to have to "agree to disagree" on this one. People get divorced all the time, but only really bad parents abandon their children. There is a maternal (or paternal) bond between parent and child that surpasses any other type of love that there is. I do agree with the fact that parents in a couple need to love, respect, and be devoted and supportive of each other - I also agree that parents should call the shots in the family dynamic - in my family, we are the adults, we make the rules and choices, our son is expected to follow them (he''s only two, so we still have to cut him a little slack

). I definitely do not rank my child above either my husband or I in the family pecking order, but I tell you what, both of us would take a bullet for that kid, or starve ourselves to feed him, or easily sacrifice our lives to save his. We have made financial sacrifices so that I can stay home to raise him, for example, but he doesn''t tell us when his bedtime is, or what he''s eating for dinner, that sort of thing. That''s just what it means to be a parent, and to love a child. Adults can do things to each other that will end a relationship, and often do - but no matter what happens you will always love your child.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 8/14/2008 1:41:42 PM
Author: vespergirl

Date: 8/14/2008 1:29:38 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 8/14/2008 11:20:09 AM
Author: vespergirl
Well I don''t blame you for feeling that way, but you have to understand that his daughter will, and should, always come before you. If you can''t accept that then maybe you should rethink whether this is the right relationship for you. I know that when I was single, I did some online dating, but I was never interested in dating someone who already had kids, because I knew that I did not want to deal with the whole issue of stepchildren, and sharing the person I was dating with his previous family. I don''t mean to sound harsh because I agree with you, it''s a very difficult situation, but when you becaome a parent (or step-parent) you have to realize that the children''s needs ALWAYS come first, over that of the marriage. If he took your side over his daughter''s, I think it wouldn''t make him as good of a father.

I think that if you decide to stay in this relationship, you just need to accept that you are not going to come first in his life, at least until she is 18 or 21 or grown. It would be the same if you had your own children - you would put their needs before your own until they were out on their own.

I don''t think that you''re a bad person, but I do think that you''re being selfish - I don''t think that''s a bad thing, because I was also a selfish person when I was dating, but I knew that about myself enough to not get involved in a situation that I wouldn''t like. You are in this situation now, though, so I think that your choices are either to learn to deal with your jealousy with more maturity, or to leave the relationship if you think you''re going to end up resenting the little girl or your fiance. Once again, I''m really sorry if it''s coming out harsh, I don''t mean it that way because I think what you''re feeling is natural, but only you know whether you''re going to be able to handle the situation with maturity in the long term or not.

Good luck to you - I hope that everything works out.

No. Sorry. Children do not ''come before'' a marriage. Not even if you had the child first. The marriage bond is supposed to take precedence over other relationships; even children. Obviously, no one would deny a child''s right to the love and security of knowing they are wanted. Their basic needs, both physical and emotional, and what is deemed ''best for them'' come first because they are children; but you do not ''rank'' them above your marriage. To do so, lets the child know that they are, in fact, in charge of the family dynamics.

Well, I guess we''re going to have to ''agree to disagree'' on this one. People get divorced all the time, but only really bad parents abandon their children. There is a maternal (or paternal) bond between parent and child that surpasses any other type of love that there is. I do agree with the fact that parents in a couple need to love, respect, and be devoted and supportive of each other - I also agree that parents should call the shots in the family dynamic - in my family, we are the adults, we make the rules and choices, our son is expected to follow them (he''s only two, so we still have to cut him a little slack

). I definitely do not rank my child above either my husband or I in the family pecking order, but I tell you what, both of us would take a bullet for that kid, or starve ourselves to feed him, or easily sacrifice our lives to save his. We have made financial sacrifices so that I can stay home to raise him, for example, but he doesn''t tell us when his bedtime is, or what he''s eating for dinner, that sort of thing. That''s just what it means to be a parent, and to love a child. Adults can do things to each other that will end a relationship, and often do - but no matter what happens you will always love your child.

All valid points. But that sacrificial love is not reserved for your children alone; your spouse deserves the same. Maybe more marriages would last 50+ years if we all remembered that.

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 8/14/2008 1:47:37 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 8/14/2008 1:41:42 PM
Author: vespergirl

Date: 8/14/2008 1:29:38 PM
Author: HollyS

Date: 8/14/2008 11:20:09 AM
Author: vespergirl
Well I don''t blame you for feeling that way, but you have to understand that his daughter will, and should, always come before you. If you can''t accept that then maybe you should rethink whether this is the right relationship for you. I know that when I was single, I did some online dating, but I was never interested in dating someone who already had kids, because I knew that I did not want to deal with the whole issue of stepchildren, and sharing the person I was dating with his previous family. I don''t mean to sound harsh because I agree with you, it''s a very difficult situation, but when you becaome a parent (or step-parent) you have to realize that the children''s needs ALWAYS come first, over that of the marriage. If he took your side over his daughter''s, I think it wouldn''t make him as good of a father.

I think that if you decide to stay in this relationship, you just need to accept that you are not going to come first in his life, at least until she is 18 or 21 or grown. It would be the same if you had your own children - you would put their needs before your own until they were out on their own.

I don''t think that you''re a bad person, but I do think that you''re being selfish - I don''t think that''s a bad thing, because I was also a selfish person when I was dating, but I knew that about myself enough to not get involved in a situation that I wouldn''t like. You are in this situation now, though, so I think that your choices are either to learn to deal with your jealousy with more maturity, or to leave the relationship if you think you''re going to end up resenting the little girl or your fiance. Once again, I''m really sorry if it''s coming out harsh, I don''t mean it that way because I think what you''re feeling is natural, but only you know whether you''re going to be able to handle the situation with maturity in the long term or not.

Good luck to you - I hope that everything works out.

No. Sorry. Children do not ''come before'' a marriage. Not even if you had the child first. The marriage bond is supposed to take precedence over other relationships; even children. Obviously, no one would deny a child''s right to the love and security of knowing they are wanted. Their basic needs, both physical and emotional, and what is deemed ''best for them'' come first because they are children; but you do not ''rank'' them above your marriage. To do so, lets the child know that they are, in fact, in charge of the family dynamics.

Well, I guess we''re going to have to ''agree to disagree'' on this one. People get divorced all the time, but only really bad parents abandon their children. There is a maternal (or paternal) bond between parent and child that surpasses any other type of love that there is. I do agree with the fact that parents in a couple need to love, respect, and be devoted and supportive of each other - I also agree that parents should call the shots in the family dynamic - in my family, we are the adults, we make the rules and choices, our son is expected to follow them (he''s only two, so we still have to cut him a little slack

). I definitely do not rank my child above either my husband or I in the family pecking order, but I tell you what, both of us would take a bullet for that kid, or starve ourselves to feed him, or easily sacrifice our lives to save his. We have made financial sacrifices so that I can stay home to raise him, for example, but he doesn''t tell us when his bedtime is, or what he''s eating for dinner, that sort of thing. That''s just what it means to be a parent, and to love a child. Adults can do things to each other that will end a relationship, and often do - but no matter what happens you will always love your child.

All valid points. But that sacrificial love is not reserved for your children alone; your spouse deserves the same. Maybe more marriages would last 50+ years if we all remembered that.

I totally agree with that!

 

[Brown.Eyed.Girl]

Being single and childless, I'm in no position to offer advice, words of wisdom, or anything, so all I can say is,

CBS, ::HUGS::