Have you experienced sexual harassment at work? How did you handle it?

[YadaYadaYada]

I'm dealing with a situation and I'm not sure how to handle it. Looking for advice but please be kind because this is a tough position to be in.

I've been working part-time at this company for almost two years (I left for four weeks and went back). My schedule is mostly nights, so I only see my managers on the weekends when I work during the day. There are two managers in my department and the female manager quit this week. The male manager started putting his arm around my waist soon after I started and I told the female manager about it and it stopped. Now she is gone and the first day I worked with the other manager (yesterday) he put his arm around my waist, I didn't say anything to him, I think I was in disbelief it was happening again.

This male manager has done the same thing to other female employees and forced one of them to hug him. Nobody has filed a formal complaint to my knowledge. The general attitude in the department is “well that’s just him and he doesn’t mean anything by it.” I have never said anything to this manager even though this touching makes me extremely uncomfortable, I can't explain why but maybe I just didn’t want to make waves being new. It’s obvious though that now the other manager is gone, this is going to start up again and I can't let this continue.

Quitting at this point is not an option, it’s not about money, I just don't want to leave, I've made friends there, enjoy my job and (apart from this touching) it’s good for my mental health. I am part of a union and there would be video evidence of this latest incident, I have considered getting the union involved but I’m wondering if just telling him to stop will be enough. I don’t really want to report him to HR because I think they may try to get rid of the problem (me) since they are now down a manager and I’m easily replaceable. I could change my weekend hours to work at night and completely avoid him but as itnia I only see my family for dinner once a week.

Just looking for any advice from people who have gone through this and successfully gotten it to stop.

 

[nala]

Tell your union rep. Asap.

 

[Lookinagain]

Maybe the first thing would be to say to him "This doesn't make me comfortable". If he acts like you're being silly, or persists, then you need to report him to either your union rep or HR. If your state or your company has an "anti-retaliatory" regulation or policy, then you really shouldn't be the one that is let go for reporting this. You shouldn't have to change your schedule. He needs to change his behavior or corporate needs to deal with him.

 

[Matata]

I am part of a union and there would be video evidence of this latest incident, I have considered getting the union involved but I’m wondering if just telling him to stop will be enough. I don’t really want to report him to HR because I think they may try to get rid of the problem (me) since they are now down a manager and I’m easily replaceable. I could change my weekend hours to work at night and completely avoid him but as itnia I only see my family for dinner once a week.

First you have to tell him to stop. It's important that he can't say he thought you liked it because you never said anything to him about it. Be clear and forceful when you say it. Tell him touching you makes you uncomfortable and it is inappropriate, then go to your union rep who should escalate the situation to HR and work on a solution.

FYI, if you file an official complaint with HR and you are fired, you'd have grounds to sue. All the cards are in your favor because he is abusing his power by sexually harassing a subordinate.

 

[glitterata]

Document everything. Take contemporaneous dated notes of every incident. Tell friends/family members who can back you up. Tell your union rep. Talk to a lawyer. Do that before you go to HR (which you will also probably have to do), because HR is on the side of the employer, not you.

This is NOT OK. And it's illegal. You have the right not to be sexually harassed at work. So do all your coworkers who he's harassing too.

 

[glitterata]

First you have to tell him to stop. It's important that he can't say he thought you liked it because you never said anything to him about it. Be clear and forceful when you say it. Tell him touching you makes you uncomfortable and it is inappropriate, then go to your union rep who should escalate the situation to HR and work on a solution.

In my state, telling the person to stop is not a requirement (though it could be a good idea). It's on him to NOT harass you, whether or not you tell him it makes you uncomfortable. It's on the company to provide a workplace safe from harassment. If he harasses you, the company is vulnerable to a lawsuit, whether or not you told him to stop. I don't know whether the laws about this are different in different states.

 

[Begonia]

Tell your union rep. Asap.

And document meticulously, along with telling union rep (in writing) what is going on.

Where I live, the first requirement is to say I'm uncomfortable and want this to stop. Then proceed from there.

 

[Matata]

In my state, telling the person to stop is not a requirement (though it could be a good idea). It's on him to NOT harass you, whether or not you tell him it makes you uncomfortable. It's on the company to provide a workplace safe from harassment. If he harasses you, the company is vulnerable to a lawsuit, whether or not you told him to stop. I don't know whether the laws about this are different in different states.

I hope it's not a requirement anywhere. I think it's a good idea to eliminate lame excuses right off the bat particularly if a company is neglectful of its duties. I'm willing to bet a chocolate torte that the manager's behavior isn't a secret. This part of Yada's post is concerning:

The general attitude in the department is “well that’s just him and he doesn’t mean anything by it.

^Utter BS. Makes my blood boil.

 

[seaurchin]

If I understood your post correctly, this is the same manager who’s already been told to keep his hands off you before?

If so, and he’s started up again now that the female manager who told him to knock it off is gone, then he’s already had his chance, on the off-chance he’s just socially clueless or whatever. Then it sounds to me like it’s definitely sexual aggression. I’ve heard that r-ists often try this kind of trial balloon into your boundaries to see if you’re a good candidate to attack.

So, if I understood right, I would not go back there until you’ve made an official report and he’s handled. After that, maybe other female employees would want to report him too. I think he should be fired. Good luck with it.

 

[nala]

If I understood your post correctly, this is the same manager who’s already been told to keep his hands off you before?

If so, and he’s started up again now that the female manager who told him to knock it off is gone, then he’s already had his chance, on the off-chance he’s just socially clueless or whatever. Then it sounds to me like it’s definitely sexual aggression. I’ve heard that r-ists often try this kind of trial balloon into your boundaries to see if you’re a good candidate to attack.

Again, if I understood right, I would not go back there until you’ve made an official report and he’s handled. After that, maybe other female employees would want to report him too. I think he should be fired. Good luck with it.

This. This is why I said to tell your union rep asap

 

[newtojewels]

You've had such good advice. I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you're going through this.

 

[dk168]

It has never happened to me, thank goodness!

If I were made to feel uncomfortable in anyway, the first thing I would do is to inform the other person about how I feel, and request for whatever he/she is doing to make me feel that way to stop.

If that does not stop it, then I shall give that person one more chance to stop, on the understanding that if it does not, then I shall escalate and inform his/her superior or go to Human Resources and report it as a grievance.

In the meantime, I would avoid being alone with this person if at all possible.

Good luck and I hope you get this resolved soon!

DK

 

[Karl_K]

Yes, more than once.
Document everything, talk to union rep asap as advised above.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I have been sexually harassed at work and I have supported others who have been harassed. You are not alone, you are not over reacting, you have every right to be safe and comfortable at work. You are not the problem, he is.

Ditto everything everyone else said. But since you already reported it once I'd escalate now. It is obviously making you feel unsafe at work and you shouldn't have to deal with this for one second longer than you already have.

 

[natasha-cupcake]

Oh boy, this is an easy one! Go straight to HR and HOPE they fire you. It is totally illegal for the company to retaliate against you for a sexual harassment claim you make. That would be an open and shut, big dollar lawsuit that any CT employment lawyer would take in a heartbeat. Tell your union rep for emotional support, if nothing else, but don't hesitate to put in a complaint with HR. Also, if that "well, that's just him" comment came from your manager, that was a big no-no. As soon as your manager became aware, it was her duty to inform HR. I know several excellent lawyers who specialize in employment law, should you get to the point where you need that level of assistance. I've got your back, bling buddy!

 

[stracci2000]

I'm just seeing this now. It sucks Yada! This has happened to me in the past, too.

Yes, like others have said, keep notes on when and where this has happened in the past.

Tell the guy to please stop putting his arm around you, or you will discuss it with the store director.

Be specific. If you say "stop touching me", he will play dumb and say he never did that.
If he does it again, Then absolutely tell the store director, and give them this information.

The store director has the responsibility to resolve these types of issues. In the grocery stores I deal with, the store directors are trained on dealing with this in the workplace.

I know you don't want to rock the boat at work, and he is your manager. But it is not the 1980s anymore, and sexual harassment is not tolerated in any corporate workplace.

 

[glitterata]

In addition, even if this manager never touched YOU, his touching other women at work is creating a hostile workplace. You, or anyone else there, would have the right to complain about that and have him stop.

You have the right to work in an environment free from sexual harassment.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Sorry I have not responded to everyone yet, we’ve been at a frisbee tournament all day.

I did just want to clarify that although I did tell my female manager about it, I don't think she ever told H.R. So there is no record of me previously reporting that he was touching me.

Saturday we will be working together again and I planned on going in first thing and confronting him. Since I can't react in the moment, I have to do it before he has a chance to touch me. By confront I mean specifically telling him not to put his arm around me or touch me in any way again.

Then if it does happen again I have a date and time of the first incident (yesterday) and a date and time I talked to him (Saturday) and I can bring all that to the union rep.

 

[glitterata]

Sorry I have not responded to everyone yet, we’ve been at a frisbee tournament all day.

I did just want to clarify that although I did tell my female manager about it, I don't think she ever told H.R. So there is no record of me previously reporting that he was touching me.

Saturday we will be working together again and I planned on going in first thing and confronting him. Since I can't react in the moment, I have to do it before he has a chance to touch me. By confront I mean specifically telling him not to put his arm around me or touch me in any way again.

Then if it does happen again I have a date and time of the first incident (yesterday) and a date and time I talked to him (Saturday) and I can bring all that to the union rep.

I understand that you have to work with him and have your own comfort level, and you have to decide what's right for you. But I would strongly urge you to bring this up with your union rep and management so there will be a record of his behavior, even if he stops. He's doing this to many other women, and if nothing is done about it, he'll go on doing it to other women. You don't know how far he takes it with others, or how far he'll take it with future employees. They may not have the courage to stop him. He might stop harassing you, but keep harassing others, or worse. If report this illegal and harassing behavior now, you'll help everyone by making your workplace safer for current and future workers.

 

[stracci2000]

You can approach him in a "matter of fact" way.
You don't have to be mean or loud. Just firm.
Maybe the guy is a complete dolt and needs to finally be told that he is out of line touching women at work.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

It's predatory and harassing behavior. Entering a colleagues personal space within arms length/in a workplace--is unwanted and unwelcomed. Call it out (assert yourself) and report (protect yourself) it. And yes, unfortunately, I've experienced this.

Take care--Sharon

 

[Bron357]

Yes.
Use your words, simple and unambiguous.
To his face directly.
“Do not touch me, do not put your arms around me. It is inappropriate behaviour and I don’t like or appreciate it. If it continues, I will report you for sexual harassment”.
I was young and unfortunately the behaviour continued, it only ceased when I had an absolute meltdown. He snuck up on me while I was at the photocopier, grabbed me from behind while pressing and rubbing himself against me. I became hysterical and started screaming, literally, that he was a sexual pervert and was assaulting me.
He had the absolute gall to say I was over reacting, that he was only “fooling around” as a joke and I needed to stop being so ridiculous because he was only being friendly. Our male manager was inclined to believe him and was keen that I didn’t “make a fuss over a simple joke go wrong”.
I phoned my father, he told me to go to HR and advise them of all the incidents and my managers response and tell them after reporting it to them I was leaving to go to the Police station to report a sexual assault and going on stress leave until the matter was resolved.
Well, the look on their faces. Needless to say they couldn’t act fast enough. In the end though I didn’t report it to the police. Sadly though, even though the guy was sacked, my manager reprimanded and sent for appropriate training and I was moved to another department I ended up resigning a few months later because it was all too much for me.
So that’s the unfairness. I did nothing wrong at all and still suffered.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to contribute to this thread, I really appreciate it.

@Karl_K @Dreamer_D @Bron357 @canuk-gal I’m so sorry you have experienced this.

I've read every single response and am considering all of them, no matter what I'm not going to let this continue, he is just doing it because he can get away with it. Those days are over.

 

[Daisys and Diamonds]

I just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to contribute to this thread, I really appreciate it.

@Karl_K @Dreamer_D @Bron357 @canuk-gal I’m so sorry you have experienced this.

I've read every single response and am considering all of them, no matter what I'm not going to let this continue, he is just doing it because he can get away with it. Those days are over.

oh @YadaYadaYada this is horrible
i did have some when i was very young -first real full time job and i handled it badly
definatly tell him to stop and have a chat with the union and has been helpfully already said document everything

i am apalled in this day and age that your company has not done company wide training on this and what is and what is not acceptable

good luck

 

[YadaYadaYada]

@Daisys and Diamonds, so sorry you have been through it too. We do have an extensive training program that includes sexual harassment. There is no way he doesn't know what he’s doing is wrong IMO.

 

[kenny]

No, but I know it's still very real, widespread, and wrong.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

Yes, from when I was 11 and had my first job. Not touching but COMMENTS. At 11! "Oh those are child bearing hips", from a man 50 years older and my boss. Gross. Then as I was older and working professionally I was penalized for not "going along" with the gross comments and jokes. Since then NYC has yearly sexual harassment training that while joked about, has curtailed a LOT of behavior that was previously seen as "no big deal". Not everywhere of course but at least in my experience, it's been better. My husband's female manager (long ago) was actually fired for sexual harassment. All verbal and highly inappropriate. I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. I give a firm "hand up" and "please don't touch me" to anyone who makes me uncomfortable. Put them on notice.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

That is horrific @Asscherhalo_lover, what is wrong with people?! So sorry you had to deal with that.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I did just want to clarify that although I did tell my female manager about it, I don't think she ever told H.R. So there is no record of me previously reporting that he was touching me.

If you do contact the union and HR to report this, remember that it is not your problem that the previous manager didn't report to HR. You can tell them you reported it to her. It is their problem/liability if their managers do not follow the company harassment policy, not yours -- I know this from experience! Which incidentally, you may want to find and read your companies harassment policy! Your HR or union rep can likely send you a copy.

Then if it does happen again I have a date and time of the first incident (yesterday) and a date and time I talked to him (Saturday) and I can bring all that to the union rep.

Your word that this has been going on a while is enough for a report. You don't need to pretend those events prior to yesterday didn't occur because you didn't think to record them at the time. Absent those kinds of proof, your report likely won't result in him being fired or anything serious like that. But your report counts in the eyes of HR if they try to establish a patten in the future! This is the big lesson I have learned. Report report report. Always. Even if your report doesn't change anything immediately. HR needs those reports to take action in the future. So your report might not be the one that causes true change to happen. But the existence of your report might be the reason that report X from person Y in a year or two DOES result in action being taken.

One of my favourite philosophers (Ahmed) argues that complaint is a form of feminist praxis and I have taken that to heart.

Of course, do what feels right for you. Always. You have no responsibility to anyone but yourself in this situation. And you don't have to explain anything to me or anyone else if you choose a different path. Victims of abuse never need to explain themselves IMO. I just wanted to add this perspective in case it resonates at all.

 

[Austina]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this @YadaYadaYada The others have given you excellent advice and I hope you managed to tell this creep to keep his hands off, or else.

Unfortunately, there probably aren’t many of us who haven’t experienced in one situation or another.