Disgruntled Guests....Vent

[labbielove]

I have had this issue once in a while, and now that the big day is getting closer (4months) it''s come up THREE times in the past few days. And I just have to learn to let it go......but it still hurts/bothers me. I will have to get over it.

The dreaded "Are we invited" question.

1) I was asked directly by a coworker, and I said diplomatically that FI and I had an agreement that no coworkers were being invited, we were having a small-ish wedding, I have a big family, etc.etc.etc.... They were fine with it, one guy seemed relieved actually,but I''m still appalled at the pointed question- I don''t discuss the wedding at work and have gone out of the way when asked about it that we''re keeping it small-ish, etc.

2) I was at lunch with some former coworkers (who I see once every several months) who said "Our save the dates must have gotten lost in the mail", and one to the other "did you receive yours?",,,,,,awkward silence. Again, I do not bring up the wedding to these people, and the one person from my former work place I''m inviting has been my friend for 12 years, before we even worked there.
they must have seen the save the date on her file cabinet or something. I sent it to her home address, not work.

3) Today was the best- one of my best friends who works with another acquaintance (we all used to work together) was asked by the acquaintance in an accusatory tone "so, who are M''s bridesmaids?" and when told they were my sisters asked "how many are there"..... and then stomped off, ticked. So now, people aren''t getting mad because they''re not invited, they are ticked because I''m not having them as bridesmaids?? When we speak MAYBE once every few months?? I guess I do take it personally because we really struggled to find a fair way to limit our guest list. We want an intimate meaningful affair, and I guess I''m shocked at people''s anger. I mean, what do I have to do- send out a card "sorry you''re not invited??" Holy cripes, as FI puts it "our wedding is not the Ark, and people not invited won''t be left behind to perish from the earth."

Sorry to vent and ramble, thanks for listening.

 

[neatfreak]

Ugh. I have learned that many people have no tact when it comes to this kind of thing, I''m so sorry you''re going through it.

What I have done to head off the people that have commented on it is just been direct and said "I''m really sorry, but our room only holds 42 people and since our families alone are almost that number, we just can''t invite everyone we''d like to have there. But we do plan on having a party in the next few months to celebrate here (we''re doing it elsewhere) and so we really hope you''ll join us for that. Hope you understand".

If they don''t understand, then screw them. You''ve done everything you could, and really if these people were important to you, they would be coming to the wedding, so don''t give them another thought if they are rude about it. It''s their issue!

 

[robbie3982]

Ugh! I hate this! So far I''ve had a coworker who I see maybe every few weeks tell me to invite her to my shower, (Hello, I''m not planning the shower and you''re not invited to the wedding!) and my ex boyfriends parents ask if they''ll be invited (uh...not so much).

I never know what to say to this stuff.

 

[labbielove]

thanks, that is the slightly hard part in that these folks are important to me, but reality is, not as important as the folks we''re actually inviting- sounds harsh but isn''t that what it always comes down to when you cut a potential guest list (maybe that''s why I''m struggling and just have to admit that fact) I''ve always been a people-pleaser and I hate conflict.

so , okay here I go - "My Name is Labbie, and FI and ARE excluding people from our wedding, and that is ok."

phewww.....now I feel better.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 5/22/2007 3:14:06 PM
Author: labbielove
thanks, that is the slightly hard part in that these folks are important to me, but reality is, not as important as the folks we''re actually inviting- sounds harsh but isn''t that what it always comes down to when you cut a potential guest list (maybe that''s why I''m struggling and just have to admit that fact) I''ve always been a people-pleaser and I hate conflict.


so , okay here I go - ''My Name is Labbie, and FI and ARE excluding people from our wedding, and that is ok.''


phewww.....now I feel better.

Lol!!! It''s COMPLETELY ok. And it''s also ok to tell a little white lie about not having enough room, etc. so that you can tell people directly they''re not invited!

 

[FireGoddess]

Wow, you know some fairly entitled people!!!

I''m always amazed that people just assume they''re invited to something to the point of directly confronting the bride! When I''m an acquaintance or coworker I never assume I''m invited - and if they''re a friend, it is already clear that I will be invited without my asking!

The person who was ticked they weren''t a BM...I mean, WOW!

 

[Gypsy]

Date: 5/22/2007 4:11:49 PM
Author: FireGoddess
Wow, you know some fairly entitled people!!!

I''m always amazed that people just assume they''re invited to something to the point of directly confronting the bride! When I''m an acquaintance or coworker I never assume I''m invited - and if they''re a friend, it is already clear that I will be invited without my asking!

The person who was ticked they weren''t a BM...I mean, WOW!

Ditto that!

What is wrong with people. I''ve had people ask us rude questions too. Actually at the WAKE of DF''s grandfather someone asked me, and NOT in a joking way, "Are you guys ever going to get married or have you decided to continue living in sin?"

 

[onedrop]

It really IS crazy what people do regarding weddings. I am amazed that an acquaintance was pissed about not being a BM! How bizarre is that???

 

[Kit]

Labbie, don''t over think it. You''re excluding annoying, obnoxious people. If you weren''t excluding them, I think we''d all be a little worried.

 

[surfgirl]

A lot of people simply have no manners, plain and simple. Nobody taught them that you just dont ask such a question.

 

[surfgirl]

A lot of people simply have no manners, plain and simple. Nobody taught them that you just dont ask such a question. I know it doesn''t make it easier when it happens to you but maybe, next time it happens (and you know it will!), think to yourself, after you tell them how you''re only having family, etc. "it''s not their fault they were raised in a barn..."

Maybe it''ll make you laugh to yourself...

 

[diamondfan]

I guess it boils down to people overblowing their importance in our lives at times like this. It is flattering on one hand, but yet, puts you in an uncomfortable spot, one you find yourself having to defend. I am sorry for that.

 

[fatafelice]

Date: 5/22/2007 3:02:03 PM
Author:labbielove
I mean, what do I have to do- send out a card ''sorry you''re not invited??'' Holy cripes, as FI puts it ''our wedding is not the Ark, and people not invited won''t be left behind to perish from the earth.''

ROTFLOL!!!

I love that! But I am so sorry that you have had to deal with so many rude people! I haven''t had anyone say anthing to me, but one co-worker who I did not plan to invite did give another co-worker the third degree the other day. She hadn''t been invited to my shower but she knew the other girl had...Had invites gone out yet?, etc. The thing is, I did decide to add her to the guest list a week or so ago, to avoid hurting her feelings, but it is silly to me that she is so upset about the possibility of not being invited. The other co-worker is a good friend (goes with me to all of my dress fittings, we hang out or talk on the phone all the time, etc.), while the upset one and I have only socialized outside of work once... last summer! And I am getting married 12 hours away! I appreciate that she wants to be included, but if the situation was reversed, I don''t think I would be upset at all about not being invited.

 

[Jas12]

I''ve had this issue as well. It is awk now that the invites have gone out and we''re 5 weeks away from the big day (eeks) seeing those people who you know ''thought'' would be invited (but were not) is uncomfortable b/c they made it that way. There are a few people who dropped hints like ''oh it will be so fun at your wedding next year'' with out my ever suggesting they were invited in the first place--now that they don''t have an invitation they feel stupid and I try not to talk about the wedding too much....so avoidable if people only just kept their mouths shut until an invite arrived!

 

[winternight]

Yikes. Well I try to think that maybe these people are just excited for you and want to be there to celebrate - I mean its flattering, right? It is though with people who view you on different terms then you see them.

 

[monarch64]

Labbie, you can''t please everyone. Now repeat that to yourself about 2,000 times. Ok, now know that you are a nice person, did not intend to hurt anyone''s feelings, and you will have a fabulous wedding no matter who''s being a hater.

Also, think about how much money you''re saving those poor souls who didn''t get invited to your wedding--now they don''t have to worry about what to wear or buying you and your FI a gift, hee hee.

 

[iheartscience]

Wow! Some people are so presumptuous! And that would be so awkward! But definitely don''t let them make you feel bad...you can''t invite everyone you''ve ever known! I really like the ark analogy, though-hilarious!

Yikes-I''m not looking forward to run ins like that when I actually set a date...

 

[Independent Gal]

How about this one? We''re not even engaged yet. A distant cousin of mine was passing through town so we had dinner. He asked about my guy and when I said we were gettin'' down to the serious part, he said ''I can''t wait, and I know x y and z [his 3 kids] are going to be THRILLED to go to your wedding.'' I said ''Well, we may end up doing something tiny, just immediate family and best friends.'' And he said ''No way! We''re coming and that''s that!''

Uh, OK. This guy is such a distant cousin that I''m not entirely clear how I''m related to him. OK, that''s not QUITE true. But almost. And not only did he invite himself, he invited his three young children.

OH boy!

 

[monarch64]

Date: 5/27/2007 9:07:54 PM
Author: Independent Gal
How about this one? We''re not even engaged yet. A distant cousin of mine was passing through town so we had dinner. He asked about my guy and when I said we were gettin'' down to the serious part, he said ''I can''t wait, and I know x y and z [his 3 kids] are going to be THRILLED to go to your wedding.'' I said ''Well, we may end up doing something tiny, just immediate family and best friends.'' And he said ''No way! We''re coming and that''s that!''

Uh, OK. This guy is such a distant cousin that I''m not entirely clear how I''m related to him. OK, that''s not QUITE true. But almost. And not only did he invite himself, he invited his three young children.

OH boy!

LOL, we had one guy who was a friend of a friend of DH''s pretty much beg to be invited, for what reasons we''re still unsure of...the convo went something like:
guy: so am I invited?
DH: I don''t think so, we have a pretty strict limit
guy: are you sure? I could just come to the reception.
DH: I don''t think so, sorry, it''s all family and friends.

It was really sad, and I actually witnessed that conversation. Lo and behold, the second that particular guy (who is a total tool in our humble opinion) got engaged ( to a really nice gal) we got invites out the wazoo to attend their showers and wedding, which we did, or if we had to decline, we sent a generous gift.

But still...it''s never right to ask someone if you''re invited to their wedding...I don''t care.

 

[Independent Gal]

Well, Monarch, in that case we have to give my cousin some serious credit! He knew he shouldn''t ask to be invited, so he just declared his intention to attend instead!

It is pretty weird how people get about stuff like this. It was a big issue when i was in grad school. A few people in our cohort and the one before and after got married and a few people just expected that we should ALL be invited and took offence. I asked them: ''Would you invite X to YOUR wedding? No? Then why are you so upset that you weren''t invited to X''s wedding?'' Weird!