to reset or not to reset?

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Author: decodelighted

Another idea: KEEP that hunk of platinum setting, even though you don't love it. Set an inexpensive gemstone in it and wear it from time to time. SEEEEEEEE ... you'll always 'cherish' that ring as your MIL hoped!

Great idea, Deco....

-- what is it with men? why do they always pick out modern, masculine-ish things -OR- stock solitaires. Okay, not ALL of them .. but geez .. a lot!!!

We've seen a couple of threads with stories like midnight's. What are men thinking? It seems obvious to me that when a guy wants to "do it himself' the safest thing to do is stick to simple classics. His mother worked in a jewelry store???? She should have known better!

ETA: I just remounted a stone, and the old plat mounting was really heavy. I got a little credit for it's scrap value...but not much.

I actually kinda like that mounting...for a RHR...put a colored stone in it!

 

[Kaleigh]

You have gotten very good advice. I say you are the one wearing it, and it''s not like you are tossing the stone aside, you just don''t LOVE the setting. It''s a ring you are going to be wearing for the long haul, and you should be able to have some in put at this point, that the current setting is NOT of your liking. I just celebrated 20 years of marriage today!!! My husband now knows and respects my wishes to be involved with any jewelry purchases. I actually save him money now, and it''s a win win situation for us. Your MIL needs to stay out of this.

 

[LuvThatBling]

These stories where the MIL gets involved always tick me off royally, probably because my own MIL is such a piece of work. Even if your MIL took a total leave of her mind on the setting (and to be honest, that is not a setting you should pick for someone unless you know they love that style), her comment about hoping you won''t upgrade totally blows my mind. Talk about ''none of her business''. I don''t think you should feel ungrateful or spoiled for wanting to enjoy your engagement ring. It''s perfectly natural to want a setting more in line with your tastes since *you* will be wearing it.

So my advice backs up what the others have said. Find a kind, tactful way to let your DH know that you want to change the setting (headlight had some great suggestions). If MIL has a hissy fit, kindly tell her to mind her own business. As someone else said, you have to nip that sort of behavior in the bud, or she''ll be offering unsolicited opinions to the end of your days. I think widget has an excellent idea about putting an inexpensive gemstone in your old setting. You will get next to nothing for the setting and you''ll be able to wear it on occasion which should make your DH happy and hopefully curtail MIL''s pique. Let us know how it goes!

 

[kcoursolle]

You''ve gotten some awesome advice about how to broach the topic to your hubby. I just wanted to say good luck and tell you not to feel guilty for wanting a new setting. If you didn''t get any input in the first place, you shouldn''t feel bad for it not being exactly what you wanted. As far as your MIL...it''s really none of her business if you upgrade. Her practices are her thing, your ring and your marriage is up to you and your husband. She may say something once, but she''ll get over it.

 

[Diamond*Dana]

I agree, you have gotten some very good advice here. You had asked what us that have upgraded have done with our original e-ring...I had my original e-ring stone reset in a three stone setting and I wear it on my right hand. My wedding set that I have now was purchased from a trade in of another anniversary band and another semi mount. I adore both my rings, and you should too!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Your current e-ring is very modern and by your choices you obviously like antique styles. I agree with everyone on here and would make your current a RHR.

 

[gailrmv]

Date: 9/13/2006 8:04:03 PM
Author: midnightshakesthememory
i think my MIL is masquerading as gailrmv!

You are funny! I can assure you, I am not.
I looked again and honestly, it is the side view I love - I like the surprise diamonds! The top view I am not loving so much. Anyways, good luck! I reset mine too - hubby was OK with it luckily - it was more what he intended on in the first place (long story - bought from family jeweler!)

 

[diamondfan]

I htink it will work out if you come from the right place. Does not sound like you are spoiled, you are not loving it, gave it a shot, it is not a comfy ring, etc. He is a grown man, hopefully the mere mention of this, when it matters so much to you, will not upset him for long...bigger things to be upset about in life. I think you want to establish NOW when he gives you gifts of jewelry, surprise or not, he should MAKE SURE IT IS YOUR TASTE. And maybe not buy where you mil works, so that her nose is not always in your business that way. My hubby got my first ring from a family friend and we got some nice and pricey things from her in our first years of marriage and she would tell the mother in law, her friend. I think she was just happy for us, but my mil is a pill so it would come back to us in a nasty way...Oh, you''re spending A LOT of money on a frivolous gift for Caroline, aren''t you?" I would just fume. NONE OF HER BUSINESS. PERIOD. Now, even though we live in different cities, if she notices something or comments on my stuff, I just say thank you. DONE. No more comments come from me. I have gotten a couple of nice little things from my dh in the last couple of months...both times, I flat out told him I wanted them. He would look at the item and tell me, glad you told me, I would never have thought this would be your taste. Just goes to show you...it is always nice to let someone know what you like...especially when it comes to expensive items that you want to get enjoyment out of for a long time! Good luck...

 

[headlight]

Just returned from dinner and loved all the posts that came in! Everyone''s comments are right on the money. I have had the same experience as Diamondfan in that I directly guide my DH toward jewelry purchases. This way I get what I want and it was money spent wisely. Clearly jewelry is a luxury and not a necesity, so with that said if you are going to drop some cash on something you certainly don''t need to survive (although I''m sure many of us here on this forum might take issue -- ha, ha!!!), you certainly should spend it on something someone is going to love. And like Diamondfan, my DH has said things like, "Gosh, I never would have guessed you''d like that!" (which of course always shocks me because there are photos all over the house, etc. of the same exact stuff, etc!!!
But as I was at dinner I was thinking about how I know this seems like a huge ordeal right now, but in the scheme of life it is so very minor. We were just catching up with friends and asking about this couple and that couple, etc. and finding out how someone is doing with their battle with cancer, etc. -- these are the things that are big deals in life... not a guy messing up on the e-ring setting. And the setting isn''t really the big thing here, but rather the hurdle on navigating the communication w/ the hubby, as well as setting the boundaries w/ the MIL.

 

[diamondfan]

Date: 9/14/2006 12:31:36 AM
Author: headlight
Just returned from dinner and loved all the posts that came in! Everyone''s comments are right on the money. I have had the same experience as Diamondfan in that I directly guide my DH toward jewelry purchases. This way I get what I want and it was money spent wisely. Clearly jewelry is a luxury and not a necesity, so with that said if you are going to drop some cash on something you certainly don''t need to survive (although I''m sure many of us here on this forum might take issue -- ha, ha!!!), you certainly should spend it on something someone is going to love. And like Diamondfan, my DH has said things like, ''Gosh, I never would have guessed you''d like that!'' (which of course always shocks me because there are photos all over the house, etc. of the same exact stuff, etc!!!

But as I was at dinner I was thinking about how I know this seems like a huge ordeal right now, but in the scheme of life it is so very minor. We were just catching up with friends and asking about this couple and that couple, etc. and finding out how someone is doing with their battle with cancer, etc. -- these are the things that are big deals in life... not a guy messing up on the e-ring setting. And the setting isn''t really the big thing here, but rather the hurdle on navigating the communication w/ the hubby, as well as setting the boundaries w/ the MIL.

H, that is how I feel too. I think her hubby should be able to deal with the news that she is not thrilled with the setting, as long as she does it with kindness, which I am sure she will. I think at core here is communication AND setting boundaries in the relationship where the MIL is concerned. Nothing wrong with stating what you like. My dh appreciates it, I get something I want, he has made me happy and not had to stress out about it, so it is a great outcome. As for boundaries, it is SOOOO important to get that dealt with now. A mother in law who feels she can insert herself in your marriage, or undermines things with remarks intended to cause issues, needs to be kinfly but firmly put in her place. It does NOT get better as time passes...speaking from experience here!!!!

 

[hannah]

I also hope to have my setting changed. It''s a long story, not worth telling.

I''ve spoken to my DH about it several times. This is not a priority, but I will one day get a new wedding set. I''ve already decided that the diamond from the original ring will be mounted into a pendant, or I will keep the ring and give it to my daughter one day. MY DH has expressed that he''s hurt that I do not like my ering. But he understands that this is a ring I wear everyday, so I should get something that I enjoy.

 

[diamondfan]

Date: 9/14/2006 12:47:42 AM
Author: hannah
I also hope to have my setting changed. It''s a long story, not worth telling.


I''ve spoken to my DH about it several times. This is not a priority, but I will one day get a new wedding set. I''ve already decided that the diamond from the original ring will be mounted into a pendant, or I will keep the ring and give it to my daughter one day. MY DH has expressed that he''s hurt that I do not like my ering. But he understands that this is a ring I wear everyday, so I should get something that I enjoy.

I can understand hurt, but just in the scheme of things think it can be processed and dealt with. It is your finger and you should be happy if you can. I took my first stone and made a pendant. so it is still around and being enjoyed. that is what matters. When the time is right, do it and be happy!

 

[reader]

The setting actually concerns me. The exposed sides could possibly lead to some chipping as the years pass and you get into the heavy duty of motherhood.

 

[Giada]

I've found in my dealings with the opposite gender, a logical and simple approach works best....

Ask your husband if it would bother him to wear the same pair of shoes every day for the rest of his life which someone else picked out for him. The shoes are neither his style, nor is he comfortable in them. Maybe this way you could illustrate that it is not a personal attack on him. You just want to love something that is such a permanent fixture on a highly visible part of your body!

I think the re-setting possibilities you've posted are gorgeous, and they are a COMPLETELY different style then what you currently have. That speaks volumes as to why you are not happy with your setting.

I'm also with the others that are of the opinion the 'ole MIL should have no say-so in what is on YOUR finger.

 

[midnightshakesthememory]

Thanks everyone for the WONDERFUL advice. Did I come to the right place or what? All of your comments have made me feel so much less guilty about not liking it. Maybe it doesn''t have to be this huge, horrible ordeal afterall. It''s like the shoes--if he didn''t like a pair I bought for him I would understand why he would want to wear another pair. The RHR suggestion of setting an inexpensive gemstone is good, but I was thinking maybe instead I could set a CZ in my current setting and wear it as my engagement ring whenever the MIL is around! I''m totally kidding--you guys are so right about getting the boundries straight now. I was going to talk to DH last night when we were taking a bubble bath (figured it might be a nice setting to break the news as gently as possible), but right as I was finally getting up the nerve, he said "I''m getting all pruny." and got out of the tub!
I will do it sometime tonight or tomorrow for sure. Wish me luck!

 

[AdaBeta27]

Take all of that good advice aboout nipping the mother/son-wife-manipulation-team in the butt. Set ground rules early and don't let husband emotionally manipulate you, and DO NOT be hesitant to take a bite out of MIL whenever she oversteps her bounds.

Since the boy and his mum took the old-fashioned high road and mandated your engagement ring, why don't you take the old-fashioned moral high ground regarding gifts? A gift, once given, is the property of the reciever to do with as he or she pleases. An engagement ring is a conditional gift given on presumption that a marriage will occur. Marriage has indeed occurred, the ring is now YOURS, not his and his mummy's, so do with it what you darn please. Find the setting of your dreams and wear the wedding ring set you'll be happy with.

Have a gemstone or a big moissanite >;-D set in that contemporary ring and GIVE IT TO MIL. Smile sweetly and demurely all the while, tell them both that you know how much she admires that contemporary platinum setting and you thought she should have it. And never explain or apoligize, nor discuss your rings choice ever again.

P.S: Did you marry my ex???? Kidding! But that MIL situation does sound very familiar...

 

[diamondfan]

I learned the HARD way not to rationalize, justify, explain or look for approval from my MIL. Here it is, this is what WE want, and if you have feelings to the contrary, sorry. I always tell my dh that while I am not the thought police (she can THINK what she wants) I do expect courtesy and respect. Translated...I do not want to hear EVERY thought that occurs to you especially if it involves judging our life and our choices. She is jealous, her hubby never gave extravagant things to her, and she begrudges me all things, provided by HER son to me, since it means less for her. (I know this to be basically true based on comments by people who know her).

You just need your dh to know it is NOT the end of the world that you would like to reset it, and that it should really not be something that gets a lot of air time from his mother...it is what it is, move on to other things!!!

GOOD LUCK and show us your new setting

 

[reader]

Ada, That is just brilliant! Perhaps a lovely colored sapphire or garnet or a nicely cut color of quartz!

 

[midnightshakesthememory]

Well, I did it. I talked to him about it Sunday night, and I don''t think it went very well. He was pretty upset. I tried to have him see it from my perspective with the "shoes" and "motorcycle" ideas above, but he just said "This isn''t shoes or a motorcycle--it''s our engagement." And I said (gently) "Yes, it is OUR engagement, but I am the one who wears the ring." Then he said that he had the right to choose the setting because it was a gift from him to me, and that I should love it because it is from him. AHHHHHHH! Then he said that it ruins his memories of that time in his life--the time when he was shopping for the diamond and the setting and preparing to propose. I reminded him how much I wanted to be involved in that process, but he just said that whole "gift from him to me" thing. So that was Sunday night and he hasn''t brought it up since. I thought it would be best to give him some time to let the shock wear off and for him to attempt to see this from my point of view. I really thought that he would have approached me by now and said something really sweet about how he has thought about it and can understand my feelings on the matter...but now I am beginning to wonder if he is just planning not to bring it up again and hope it goes away. Help!

 

[headlight]

I am so sorry to hear it didn''t go well. I am really surprised by his response and comments.
I am going to bite my tongue on this so as to avoid saying something I shouldn''t.
I know how I would handle it from this point, but since I don''t know you nor he, I don''t want to influence you.

 

[midnightshakesthememory]

Thanks, headlight
I would like to say that I, too, am surprised by his reaction, but sadly I am not. We haven''t been married for a year yet, but I can already predict when he will choose to react childishly. Lucky for him, it doesn''t happen that often, but he can definitely be a big baby when he wants to. I guess I have to remember his ideas about engagement didn''t start when he met me. I''m sure his mother''s ideas found a way to trickle down over the 18 years he lived with his parents!

 

[dtnyc]

Midnight- I have been lurking and following this thread.
I feel your pain. My husband had my e-ring made using a family stone & went to the OLD family jeweler, as in a sweet old man who made jewelry for hubby''s long-gone grandfather. This guy shut down his shop and converted his home''s garage into his shop. My ring was made in a garage- classy! I think this guys''s eyesight is going- the center stone was set "off-square" (I think was what my appraiser called it.) Meaning that the corners of the table don''t line up w/ the prongs. My appraiser said that sometimes people did this to hide inclusions, chips etc- but this couldn''t be the case as he said he hadn''t done that and he left a natural on the girdle and a chip just below the girdle visible! I actually asked the guy who made it "is there anything like a chip or inclusion hiding under the stone? and he said no.
His craftmanship is obviously lacking- there are 3 side-stones on either side of the center stone and the prongs and spacing aren''t 100% even- some prongs seem bent more than others. Some of the side stones even seem tilted at different angles and there is discoloration in the shank of the ring and where the basket setting joins the shank of the ring.
Less than a year after getting the ring and having it sized the seam where he welded the shank back after sizing it down a tad split and I had it laser-welded here in NYC. I know it seems anal, but it''s

Basically I love the design of my ring, I just want to have the center stone re-set to hide the chip if possible and see if I can have the side stone setting "straightened" out. When I mentioned this to him he got REALLY upset. I asked him- didn''t you notice that it seemed a little crooked? and he got really upset- and he tried to make it seem like he had spent all of this time on the ring- when quite honestly I know he didn''t. I don''t think he ever even look at the stone under magnification, which really kind of bugs me because he knows I am into jewelry.

Now I am kind of screwed, as I have offended him and I have verbalized that I am not 100% happy with my ring. I think I might go about having it fixed (if possible) myself and figure he will never notice since he didn''t notice that the ring was pretty much a hot mess when he gave it to me. I know that if I was to alter the ring in any noticeable way he and his mom too would flip out.

It does seem like your husband did do research on the stone and the setting and thought he was being "unique." Mine got a free stone and then had it set in what I now know is a poorly made ring.

 

[darling]

Oh boy, I feel for you midnight and dtnyc.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Sorry to hear about such a tough situation. I would let it rest for awhile, if I were you. Just to let you know there''s hope- my husband said absolutely no upgrades or changes EVER to my e-ring. In time I changed the head of my ring. Eventually he agreed to an upgrade on the condition I keep my old stone as a ring. What ended up happening was me getting a new three-stone setting and putting an Interlap in my old solitaire setting that I wear from time to time. So there is hope that he will change his mind. I think my husband came to realize that we have bigger battles to fight than over a engagement ring. Good luck!

 

[headlight]

It sickens me to read all of these stories! I feel so badly for you guys!
If it were me, I would go and get whatever needed to be changed -- be it repair or re-setting. Clearly, if it is just the repair, it should not even be an issue, DTNYC, because you are not changing the stone nor the setting -- just getting it "straightened" out and polished up, etc., etc. As you said, DTNYC, he probably wouldn''t even notice the difference. And if he did, you can express your overwhelming joy with how much you love the ring which should put that conflict to bed. As for changing the setting, MIDNIGHT, I know it is a bold move, but that is what I would do. If I am old enough to get married, then I am old enough not to have to ask permission to do something! As far as I see it, he already said he is soured on the proposal, ring, and everything related to it. So, with that said, SOMEONE in the marriage should be happy with the ring -- a ring -- any ring! To keep costs down, I''d go get one of the solitaire settings you liked (as opposed to some elaborate mounting with side stones) that you can wear with the band you have that you love and call it a day. I think that something like a blue sapphire would look stunning in your current setting and wear as a RHR. I don''t want to get into the whole realm of "marriage land" and relationships and communication, etc., but you need to take a stand here -- to him and his mother. Trust me that you need to do this early on in your marriage or you will be kicking yourself for years to come. And yes, will this potentially cause strife in the short term -- absolutely. But in the long term it will only enhance and strengthen your marital happiness. This whole thing isn''t about a ring... Do you want to be controlled for the rest of your life, and told what you can and cannot do, have, even like??? For that I could''ve stayed living with my parents for the rest of my life!!!

 

[Olive Oil]

I agree with Logan Sapphire, I would wait a while (longer than you think you should) and see what comes of it. He's probably very hurt, and maybe not so much mad at you, but kicking himself for not doing better. I'm the type to beat myself up about things, and if he's anything like me. he's replaying the times picking it out, getting excited about giving it to you, looking for your reaction during the proposal, and just feeling sick about how wrong he was. In time, he'll probably start to feel less hurt, and that may be a better time to discuss it. If you push too soon, while he's upset, it may do more damage than it's worth. That said, I don't know either of you, so I could be way off base. Good luck!

ETA: Also, if it was so important for him to pick it out the first time, once he comes around it may do something to ease his mind if he gets to be the one to fix it.

 

[WTNLVR]

I''m sorry to hear this. You should definately wait awhile. A ring is not worth causing havok in your relationship. Maybe for an anniversary down the road you could bring it up again. It sounds like he is proud of himself and the ring and you destroyed his sense of pride. Men

 

[midnightshakesthememory]

dtnyc--I feel your pain! Is that a photo of your ring in your avatar? How beautiful! I agree that if the craftmanship isn''t up to par, you should definitely get it "cleaned up" and I seriously doubt DH will be the wiser. If he didn''t notice those details when he was getting the ring ready for you--then he just isn''t that into jewelry. Probably the same way that I couldn''t tell you the difference between all the big screen tv''s my husband likes. It''s not that I don''t care about him, I just am not that into electronics. He could switch out the entire entertainment system and I wouldn''t notice!

I think I will end up doing the reset even if I have to do it on my own. You ladies are so right that at least one of us should love the ring (I LOVED that point!) and I kind of have my heart set on it now. I have been feeling a lot happier since I decided to talk to DH about it because now it is really a reality in my mind that I will end up getting something I love. I think I will wait a little longer to see if he comes around on his own first, because I really would love it if we could do this together. But if he doesn''t come around, then I totally agree with you headlight. I am not going to sit back and let him manipulate the situation because his feelings are a little hurt. He is just going to have to get over it!

 

[Beacon]

This is so interesting. My husband is so different from this. He wouldn''t care if I reset my ring into a necklace. It just doesn''t occupy his brainspace that much. But your husband has an unusual attachment to your ring and now you need to work around it.

I always think of the engagement ring as the *diamond*. Meaning, the diamond is the main thing, the most important thing. From what you wrote, you like the diamond and have no problem with it. Ok, that diamond is the biggest and most symbolic part of his "gift to you". So emphasize the postive. Tell him you really love the diamond but you want that gem to occupy a somewhat different setting. The setting is just a detail. Settings are like fashions, they change, come and go, wear out, become dated, whatever. It is normal to change your setting. But you love your diamond and want to show it off in a different way.

Yes, I would wait some time before mentioning it all again. The paranoid part of me wonders why your MIL wants you to keep this setting the rest of your life. If she worked in jewelry, she knows this is not that typical. I wonder what her role in the whole thing is, or exactly how she came to this setting. But that is another matter all together.

Your other option is just to save the money and buy yourself the most outlandish right hand ring of your dreams, that may happen to look much like an engagement ring

.

 

[gailrmv]

Reminder... I am NOT your MIL (stilll)... but that is a good point he makes about the gift from him to you. Now, I still agree with you 100% that you should love the ring, but I just had not thought about it from that perspective as much. I hope he comes around on his own. if not I like the idea of getting a solitaire that is not too expensive, to keep the spirit of the ring but change the actual ring.

For my husband, any jewelry purchase debates are a matter of money. He does not really understand why we should spend on jewelry for me (a luxury item) when we could be saving it for retirement or using it on something we will both enjoy such as vacation, furniture, etc. However, I''ve managed to convince him that we should each have our luxuries from time to time! (and I have changed my setting twice now - orig had bad workmanship, then had a temp setting which I actually loved, and now have my permanent plat solitaire setting - I promised him no more changes!)