Help please I have jealous friends has anyone been thur this ?

[sunsetstar]

Hi everyone !

I''m really upset! I got engaged the 30th of july, and it was the happiest day of my life. I love my husband to be more than I''ve ever loved any man in my life. He is my life ,but Ive noticed that my friends have been acting differently with me. It kills me ,because I can feel the jealous and its ruining everything. They make wise cracks, and hurt my feelings. My family and fiance say this is your time, and dont let them ruin it, but they really are, and for the first time in my life im questioning their true friendship after so many years. I am the youngest out of all of them. They all live with there boyfriends, and even have children from either them or a previous relationship. I guess they dont see engagement in site. I on the other hand am 24 no children, dont live with my fiance, and dont know how to cook. But I guess we found eachother and I found an amazing man.

In the end I just wish they were genuinely happy for me. But I feel that they are not. I feel a distance coming between us, and it hurt because I never thought my happiness would truly bother them. I''m in a situation where they have to step to the plate, and show me if they are going to be here for all the madness thats ahead, and it kills me to have to wonder. I''m going thur this alone, because my parents moved from brooklyn to arizona. I really wish they were here. I guess friends are not forever, but husbands are. I never felt so close to a man like I do with alex. He is a blessing, and is trying his best to help me thur this. But im so hurt and angry.

Is there anything I can do ? to feel better ? will this pass? is this normal ? has this happened to anyone and have gotten passed it ?

 

[diamondfan]

I think you are seeing the side of people that makes us scratch our head in surprise. Sadly, not everyone is happy for us when good things happen...sort of a misery loves company attitude. You are younger, and have your act together...no offense, living with a guy and having kids without being married, while it can work, is not the ideal for most people. I am not judging, just stating something that seems a bit obvious. It is the trend in Hollywood, and again, can be fine for some people, but it would just seem to me that being married is just a bit more secure and I would never have wanted it any other way. That said, you might just be seeing how they act when they are feeling jealous. You can take the high road for now and let it settle in, but if this continues, you might need to reevalute the relationships. Even though friends support one another through tough times, overall, you should not feel bad feelings or a change in attitude when something good happens to you. I hope they come around with time! Congratulations on finding a great guy to share your life with!

 

[sunsetstar]

thanks you made me feel alittle better ~

 

[phoenixgirl]

Sunsetstar, congratulations on your engagement!

There may be a reason why none of the friends in this circle are married -- maybe they have stuck together with friends who also aren''t married because it makes them feel better.

It''s one thing if they''re just a little jealous or uncomfortable. I would say not to give up on them just yet, but to see if they''ll come around. If they don''t, better to learn their true colors now rather than later.

One time I worked at this nightmare school where everyone wanted to leave. It was no secret that I was trying to get transferred despite not having enough time with the county, and people (some of whom I didn''t even know) would stop me and act really encouraging and interested in my progress. Well, then I got the transfer, and many of the people who had acted like my biggest cheerleaders were like, "Oh, that''s nice" and changed the subject. I guess they were just sorry they hadn''t tried to get one themselves. I am sure they would have been there for me if it had fallen through, which would have confirmed to them that it wasn''t worth applying for the transfer and going on interviews to get out of there. But when I did get one without even having tenure, I can understand why they would resent me (still doesn''t make me like them any more though!)

But the few people who were able to congratulate me genuinely were super-stars in my eyes. It''s not easy to see somebody else get what you want and not have a twinge of jealousy, so as long as it''s just a passing twinge, don''t give up on your friends yet.

 

[asscherisme]

First congrats on your engagment! I agree with your parents and your fiancee, don''t let them bring you down.

I have found in my life that when major life changes happen, engagement, birth of a child, death of a parent, a move, etc.... thats when you find out who your TRUE friends are.

When I was about 25 or 26, (I got engaged at 25 by the way so I was about your age, I''m 37 now) that I was finally figuring out WHO I was and it was around that time I was outgrowing some of my friends. It was painful. A long term friendship growing apart can feel like breaking up or drifting apart. Some of my friends remain from that time but honestly many I grew apart from. I rememeber one person who I thought I was good friends with MOCKING my diamond ring and MOCKING the fact that I was commtting myself to marriage. Needless to say she is one I grew apart from.

Your real friends will be happy for you. Those that are giving you a hard time have their own issues. Looking back now, it was hard to realize some friendships had run their course but I don''t regret any that I let go. And those that I held onto I treasure to this day.

 

[Odilia]

I did have some trouble with that too. We were in our 30''s (one friend pushing 40) and no one with anyone in sight, and I too was surprised at the jealousy. They were happy for me, I''m sure, but they were definitely jealous that it wasn''t happening to them, and how exceptionally good my man is etc., and it did sort of put a little cloud over what should have been my happiest time ever. They are still good friends - one got married 1.5 years later - and she also kept sort of doing this competitive thing even while she was dating and engaged; it was very weird and uncomfortable. But now that she''s married it''s much better. The one who''s still single is a close friend, although I know she wishes she could find someone. It was a bummer for me, but I had to put myself in their shoes (although I can''t help but think that if the shoes were on the other foot, I would have done my utmost to not show any jealousy etc.), and just be grateful for my blessings etc.. So, hopefully, your friends will come to grips with it eventually and the jealousy thing will wear off. If not, maybe they aren''t such good friends. Anyway, try your best to enjoy and appreciate this time!

 

[ljmorgan]

You are witnessing one of the ugliest and most hurtful things...

I went through the same deal when I first became engaged. One of my very close friends turned into a total jerk and her jealousy was evident. At the time I felt terrible even thinking she was jealous, it felt so wrong, but looking back it was definitely true. Our friendship ended shortly after (while we lived together still, ouch) and looking back I can see that it was coming anyway. What people have said above is true, major changes show you who your true friends are. Some even close friendships tend to be merely circumstancial, and will not stand the true test of time. While I did have that bad experience, so many of my friends were thrilled for me, and being able to share such a special time with my friends really meant a lot to me.

 

[sunsetstar]

wow i guess im really not the only one. Thank you so much on your stories and advice. I''ve decide to keep my distance for a while. Till things cool off. I''m going to start bonding more with my hunny,

 

[divergrrl]

Congratulations on your engagement & enjoy your Fiance!

As for this phenomenom (sp?), take it with a grain of salt (preferably on the rim of a margarita~) and weather this transition with grace & charm. Try to let their negative vibe roll off your back & do not fuel their fire by commenting on their behavior, or aggravating either.

What do I mean? While its perfectly acceptable to be OVER THE MOON about your engagement, it''s probably best not to gush on endlessly about your undying devotion with these folks. Yes, it is your time, but you aren''t the only person with a life. (Does that make sense? It''s not supposed to be mean...just a reality check)

Yes, you are fine discussing your engagement, wedding plans, et.al with your friends as you normally would, but just don''t hog all the conversations. (most new brides to be get very self-absorbed...it''s hard not to! I did it too!) Sometimes people who are not getting married don''t want to hear all about it, all the time.
But....

If they are truly jealous, no amount of watering down your enthusiasm will help, and you are stuck in that fun phase of weeding out your true friends.

I did notice that when I got married, a few of my single friends began distancing themselves. After DH and I remodeled our house & added onto it, we then became "that" couple in our crew with the biggest/nicer home. A few others began to distance. Then we had our baby & a girlfriend who has severe financial difficulties & fertility problems (including a horrible ectopic pregnancy that went undiagnosed, leading to a rupture that almost took her life, thank God it did not, but left her unable to ever conceive -- they took her ovaries out--and they have no money to do in-vitro or adoption) decided it was too hard to come see our baby -- since we were pregnant at the same time. I haven''t seen her since Jake was born, and that was almost two years ago. But that was her decision & I respect it. Its just weird that she decided to bail after 10 years.

Another friend who is a single mom (got pregnant by a neighbor she used to *bonk* for fun) decided when I had my baby to drop our friendship too. One of my friends for 15 years, & a bridesmaid in my wedding. But we''d been parting ways for awhile. We used to party hearty when we were 20, but at 35 I think I''m a bit of a bore to her (LOL) since I''ve ditched the bar scene in favor of the HGTV scene.

But it''s ok. You''re 24. I still have my very best girlfriends from highschool & college-we''ve all stuck together through thick & thin. You''ll find out who your true friends are & you''ll also find that different seasons in your life often mean stronger relationships with certain people. Taking stock is important, as is realizing that friendships are not one sided. If there is a problem, both sides usually have some work to do.

Good Luck & Best wishes for a long, happy marriage!

 

[Kaylyn]

Um...when I first got engaged, I had someone react badly to me, too. Actually, several people.

There''s a woman in her early 30''s at work who immediately grabbed a fake ring and put it on her ring finger and waved it around...and then proceeded to say (in a VERY mocking tone) "Looooook....I''m Kaylyn....I''m engaaaaaaaged"

A girl that I knew from school told me she was sorry when I told her I was getting married. Then she told me I still had time to run.

My FI''s uncle asked when we were getting married. When my FI replied, "A year from now", his uncle said "Good, I have 365 days to talk you out of it, then".

Maybe these comments would have been humorous (maybe) if they had been said with a smile. But they were all fairly serious.

 

[phoenixgirl]

Kaylyn, you reminded of some of the work reactions I got to being engaged too. Just beforehand I mentioned going to France with my then boyfriend, and somebody asked me if I thought we''d get engaged. This woman said, "Phoenixgirl? No way! She''s, like, 12!" Then she got engaged this past year, and was eclipsed by three younger teachers who got engaged with bigger rings, which I heard her complaining about to her friends.

She got married this summer, and I ran into her in the office at work this week. I asked to see her rings to admire them (that''s what we''d all want someone to do, right?

), and all she did was go on and on about this age spot on her hand. It just looked like a freckle to me. So she''s just obviously insecure.

Speaking of obnoxious things to say, when I did get engaged, another teacher asked, "How much weight are you going to lose for the wedding?" (I''m 5''5" and weigh somewhere in the low 130''s). I said I wasn''t planning to lose any, and later she came and apologized, but only because someone else had told her she had been rude. Her apology was even worse than the original comment because she gestured dismissively to my body and said, "I mean, you don''t have to lose any weight. You''re, like, . . . fine." Wow, thanks for the compliment!

 

[divergrrl]

Phoenix girl...OMG...I''m 5''5" and weigh in my 130s too. (ok, when I''m not working off baby weight...but I''ve got 6lbs to go--almost there!!!) and I normally wear a size 6 and feel pretty fit at that weight.

That teacher sounds like a biz-natch. I hope she gets eaten by her age spot.

LOL!

Jeannine

 

[Kaylyn]

My grandma told me I should join TOPS with her so I could look good in my "beautiful wedding gown".

Thanks for that vote of confidence, grandma. I know I''m overweight, but I thought I could still look good.

 

[sunsetstar]

Oh man I''m still so pissed. Yesterday my (BESTFRIEND) and I '' (starting to feel like she''s not a true friend'') had a drink. I wanted to start talking to her about the annoucement Ideas I had come up with. By the way she hasnt even tried give me any ideas. And she thinks she is going to be my maid of honor and by the look of it if her jealous doesnt go away soon. She is so not being it. Plus ill get rid of her completely because she is getting on my nerves. Plus everytime I try to bring up anything about my engagement she changes the subject. why ?