What if *she''s* not soon?

[fire&ice]

You all have got me thinking. Except I''ve got a twist. I''m very close to my neice. Since her freshman year in college, she has dated the same boy/man off and on. I''ve been around her & other boys she has dated - not even remotely close to the relationship she shares with this one boy. When they are together, time doesn''t pass. They just pick up where they left off & the spark continues. They have a GREAT relationship - from my old broad experience - they REALLY like each other on that deep love level. He treats her like she is cherished. She just graduated from college this May. He graduated three years ago & has been in the business world since. He has a good career. While she was still in school, they kept in touch & hung out. Even with the completely different life style (college kid going to clubs willy nilly - him NOT because of that pesky job/bill paying thing

), they still enjoyed each others company.

In other words, he''s a real "catch". She recognizes this and it scare the sh*t out of her. I think he is open to finding "the one". I''m a firm believer that timing is everything. I think if she closes the door to marriage, he may respect her wishes. She doesn''t want him to "get away" (I read she truly loves him); but, she says she wants to sow her oats. I asked her "What oats haven''t you sowed?" She always dated even though he was in her heart. She''s the type to juggle three men at a time. He always knew she dated other people.

I can understand her needing to spread her wings, be on her own for while & get the hang of what life really is about (yes, a rude awakening for a Graduate). She started a decent job & wants to focus on that for a while. Cicumstances, conversations, etc. makes me think that "boyfriend" may be having a talk with her.

She always asks my advice. My gut is telling me that she doesn''t want him to get away. At the same time, she thinks she has something to prove - being single, playing the field & building a career. In my heart of hearts knowing this girl for 22 years, I think he IS the ONE.

What''s an Aunt to do?

 

[ammayernyc]

Speaking from experience of someone who has a very intrusive Aunt -- give her your opinion. But only ONCE. More than that, it''s annoying and will do her no good.
It''s her life and she needs to decide how to live it, whether you agree with her decisions or not.
I''m extremely grateful to my Aunt for all the advice and love that she''s given me, but sometimes I interpret her love as being meddling...

 

[jenwill]

I think the best thing is to be there for a sounding board. I know that if i had met ''the one'' that early in my life, I would have been torn between not wanting to lose him, and also wanting to find out who I was as a total and separate entity from my parents/boyfriends.

It is a difficult choice, but hopefully he will be OK with waiting awhile while she explores being an adult being. He sounds like he is ready to move to the next level, because he has had time to be his adult self- now she needs that space too. if she asks you for your opnion, I woudl probably suggest that they need to seriosuly talk about what they each envision as timelines for themselves, adn to see if those timelines have any possibility of co-exisiting.

He might be ok waiting for awhile longer, as long as he knows that it is far healthier to have this time now, than to miss this time and to feel bitter later that she missed out on sowing her wild oats. BTW, I always meant experienceing my life when I said that- not being wild a crazy, but just being me with no one else guiding me...


And you sound like a super Aunt!

 

[IrishEyes]

I would tell her how you really feel, but ultimately, it is her decision. If she''s truly not ready to settle down with this guy, then she''s not ready. 22 is very young, and she needs time to figure out who she is. The best way to do that, IMO, is by yourself, not with a guy. I''m only 25 and I only recently really figured out who I am. I got married young, at 23, and while I don''t regret it, I still feel that I was too young to get married ( I had always "planned" on getting married at 25 or 26). If she just started a new career I think she needs to concentrate on that for now, maybe date around a little more, etc. One day, if this guy truly is the ONE for her, she will realize it and go from there. It sounds like he''s pretty patient and wants to be with her. Most guys I know aren''t DYING to get married as quick as possible, so I''m sure that in a year or two when she comes around, he''ll still be available for her (that is, if he still feels the same about her). But I would still let her know how you feel and your insights!

 

[allycat0303]

Fire&Ice

Wow that is a tough call. I think that 22 is young (I''m 25 and I''m nervous about engagement. I plan on a very long 4 year engagement to make sure that I''m making the right decision) so I can see why she would be scared. I really believe that in relationships timing is everything, if they were meant together, the timing will eventually be right them. I would point out that he is a great catch (all his great qualities), and ask her about nerves/fears, but remind her that I would love anyone that she would love. Maybe she needs to feel that she has accomplished all of her career goals before she can settle down (with no regrets).

 

[fire&ice]

Honestly, I never meddle. It''s an odd relationship as her mother (who has been on a great life track the last 7 years or so) hasn''t really been a role model. She''s always come to me for advice. I tell her what I think. Most of the time she just is working things through when we talk. She already knows the answer. Usually, my response is my tag line "And, your point would be?"

I had lunch with her on Sat. I sensed she is very conflicted.

I have no doubt that "boyfriend" would encourage her to spread her wings. He''s like that.

My upsetment is she can be very arbitrary. I know she is going to ask me if she should close that door. I wonder if that door is open would she not consider herself her *own*.
Yes, 22 is very young. I''m not expecting any proposal any time soon. When we were all together at graduation, the conversation turned strange. She wanted to share a special bottle of wine that she brought back from France. She made a comment that she was going to wait until her wedding to share it. We all took a double take. It was an uncomfortable moment. I finally joked "Is there something we should know about?" Their reply was no - but just something else was going on. Finally, he said "Well, I couldn''t afford the 3 carat ring you want?" So, we joked and redirected the conversation to how high maintence she is - in a joking manner. But, later on, I mentioned the whole convo to hubby - and he (a guy) just jumped right in with - " Yeha, Wow! What was that about?" You know men - they are usually totally oblivious about these kinds of things.

And, I remember feeling very conflicted at that age as well. As an aside, in many ways she is very mature. She had to grow up long before she should have.

I think, and rightfully so, she is feeling "what if" - IN BOTH DIRECTIONS.

Way back in the dark ages, it was not usually for girls to get engaged their senior year and marry right after graduation. Many of my friends did that - most are still married. Most pursued careers, putting of child rearing until their 30''s. Is this not a course these days?

Oh, and please know that I AM NOT ENCOURAGING HER TO GET MARRIED.

. While I think she has sown plenty of wild oats, I don''t think she''s gotten into that "comfortable in my own skin" (as many have stated). I just want to to be ultimately happy. And, would be sad if she closed that door though. In other words, see the natural progression of the relationship.

 

[perry]

I am anything but the normal guy; however....

It is always difficult to decide what to say in situations like this. However, the one thing that I seemed to pick up was that your niece was seeing only two possibilites. "Closing the door" or "engagement."

Could you not point out that there is the third option of "I''m not ready yet to make the decission either way, but that you are on my list as someone that I could be interesgted in."

Perry

 

[Kaleigh]

If he truly loves her he will wait for her. He is way ahead of the game than she is and she needs time to catch up. He''s been independent and ready to move ahead, but she needs time to be on her own. 22 is very young. I was 24 when I got married and looking back I think I was mature for my age, but still think it''s young. I think he sounds like a fine young man and hope this works out for them, but I''d give her some time to grow.

And this comes from an old broad who''s been married for 19 years.

 

[Mara]

coming from someone who has a 22 year old sister and whose mother feels she knows best on ALL matters and knows best what a 22 year old should be doing/dating/ etc....i will say the same thing i tell my mom when she freaks out on who my sister is dating or not dating or what she is doing with her life or not doing...

she's 22 and she has to find her own way. make her own decisions. make her own mistakes. pick herself up after a fall. i remember being 22. people have to live their own lives. give her your opinion once or twice and make it clear that's all you are saying. in the end you may feel this guy is for her but 22 is SOOO young...i never would have made it if i got married at 22. even to some perfect guy. timing is everything in someone's life and everyone has their own timetable.

the person i am today is scads different than 22. i am finally solidifying my personality as i enter my 30s but in the early 20's i was like clay. at 25 i had been with a guy for 3 years and felt trapped and suffocated, like i didn't experience enough of LIFE. got out of that relationship, experienced LIFE for all of 9 months before meeting now-hubby, who was the right guy, and at the right time...turns out LIFE was more fun with someone i actually wanted to hang out with.

if it is meant to be it will be...even through ups and downs. i firmly believe that. timing is everything...so stand aside and let her make her own decisions, mistakes, and joys...and in the end hopefully she ends up happy.

my two cents!

 

[Jennifer5973]

I agree with the notion of sharing your opinion once with her--maybe having a nice relaxing lunch with her and letting your feelings/opinions be known. But after that, you may have to step aside and just be there to deal with her choices and support her as she finds her own way.

I have seen this with my brother. I have tried to advise him on various things as he''[s grown up (he is 26) based on mistakes I have made so he won''t do the same but in the end, they must find their own way.

 

[fire&ice]

Well, I finally said - dating him isn''t marrying him. So what if he *may* want more. Just be fair. He''s a smart man. You'' all will figure it out.

Her fear is if she starts dating him she won''t focus on her career - which involves a move if she wants to pursue it. I said - we make decisions in our life in the moment. What if, What if, What if? And, to quote John Lennon - "Life happens when you are busy making other plans."

Ultimately, I have to stop - what if, what if? My fear is he will ask me to help him find a diamond. I guess I''ll live that reality in it''s time.

Mara, we have had the convo before about timing is everything. Thing is I can see her married young. She''s pretty grounded & centered. But, she''s got to figure things out for herself. But, even though she plays the field, she keeps coming back to him. They are good friends. Maybe that''s all they will be.

Yes, they are in two completely different planes right now. I explained that to her. But, the two aren''t mutally exclusive. I think dealing with that is part of life. The older I get the more open rounded by "friends" become. I have friends significantly older & significantly younger.

Understand, I want the best for her. It''s hard because this man would make a fine husband.

But, I''m not in the match making business.

 

[MissAva]

Okay for 22 is the right age to make a permant commitment my parents were 20, but both were out of school and had been seeing each other exculsivley since they 15. I am 22 and I am about to graduate from college and I have been dating my SO since I was 17 and he is THE ONE for me. At first this bothered me becuase I dont want to be a carbon copy of them, dating my HS sweetheart during college long distance relationship married right after....but for me it is the right thing. When I look at him, I see the answers in his eyes and I am content knowing that we will always be there for each other. I just know. It does nto however sounds like she knows, or if she does wants to admit it to herself just yet. However I dont see why her getting married would keep her from having a fullfilling career. I plan on getting married as soon as I finish school that doesnt mean I am going to let my education go to waste and she wouldnt have to either. As for Perrys third option if someone said that to me I would interpret it as a polite kiss off. Thats just me. There is an issue of "playing to long at the fair" and if this guy wants to be married soon he will be even if it is not to her. That would be hard for her, and sometimes that urge to get married is one that is hard to ignore, sometimes peopele are just ready to be settled and start a family. I would say put it out of your mind as much as you can until one or both of them ask for your thoughts, then be honest. If he asks you to help him look for a ring I think a heads up in her direction would be fair. I know we all grow at our own rates, none of us here knows your neices and so we dont know what she has been through or delt with to make her ready for own life. However coming from a family where no one gets married after 23 (except in a single widower situation) on either side and having had no divorces I dont tend to consider age as too much of a factor, I think life experinces are a better gauge and I am not up on hers. If I were here I would want an accoasional hug and a sounding board. I hope everything works out for her.

 

[appletini]

I'm only 25, but I have experienced so much personal growth since in the last three years. She definitely shouldn't pressured into taking their relationship to the next level, b/c at some point she might regret not doing more things independently when she had the chance, this isn't to say that they shouldn't be together at all. But he is still fairly young too, I'm guessing ~25, and well girls mature faster than boys, so really they are on the same level, and probably both aren't ready. I think that if she is feeling conflicted, she should enjoy the time now, to focus on herself and be selfish and have fun for a little while. Once the marriage and the kids come there will always be someone else to worry about. Its okay to not grow up too fast.