Not everyone wants kids

[Dancing Fire]

67% of PSers have kids.

 

[nala]

The whole idea of pregnancy still terrifies me. I'm grateful I survived my only one and took measures not to do it again. Don't get me wrong, I looooove my daughter and don't regret it for one minute, but I stopped at one for many reasons. What I don't understand is WHY people love to ask this question. I don't get it. Many who do ask are lousy parents. Many have troubled kids. But still, they insist on encouraging others to procreate. I've also known women who brag about their fertility! So if anyone out there has any theories as to why WOMEN would do this to each other, please share.

 

[D_]

I agree with a caveat.

If someone doesn't want kids, period, then I can respect that.
If someone says she doesn't want kids because they are too busy with life, career etc. and was just saying that to convince herself anddd the effect wears off just when she can no longer have one, well... she had her chance.

 

[Dancing Fire]

I agree with a caveat.

If someone doesn't want kids, period, then I can respect that.
If someone says she doesn't want kids because they are too busy with life, career etc. and was just saying that to convince herself anddd the effect wears off just when she can no longer have one, well... she had her chance.

Yup, can't turn back the clock. I'm sure that there are many women in this group.

 

[AGBF]

I agree with a caveat.

If someone doesn't want kids, period, then I can respect that.
If someone says she doesn't want kids because they are too busy with life, career etc. and was just saying that to convince herself anddd the effect wears off just when she can no longer have one, well... she had her chance.

...and a man's chance never passes. Why does that sound as if the you think the "busy" woman should be "punished" if she makes choices she later regrets? Don't we all make some choices we later regret?

AGBF

 

[House Cat]

I think it is SO important to be true to yourself when it comes to having kids. There is nothing more depressing than an unwanted child.

I have a friend who has always lived up to the expectations of others. She always said she wanted kids, but after the birth of her first child, it was apparent that she felt robbed and totally inconvenienced by her child. She became enraged by the task of motherhood and she has been raging ever since. It is painful to watch. What is even more painful is the fact that she had another child and says that she loves babies. She doesn't.


Me... I love MY kids. I love my best friends' kids. I don't love every kid, so I can definitely see not having strong maternal feelings. I would be tempted to keep my life to myself. I have childless friends who have big houses, take incredible trips, and the CLOTHES!!! OMG!!! THE CLOTHES!!! Kids are expensive. I just spent all of my upgrade money and my husband spent all of his RV money on a house so that my son can go to a better high school and have a better future. Honestly, it seems like every time we save up a big chunk of money, we find a reason to spend it on the kids.

I never consider my childfree counterparts as lacking. They seem to be enjoying themselves just fine.

 

[Calliecake]

I had always wanted to have children and knew this from a young age. My husband had always felt if it happened wonderful, but was fine if we didn't. When we moved to our first home everyone was moving into the new subdivion at the same time and we were all very close in age. There were get togethers every weekend and we all had so much fun together and got along great. Then everyone started having children. I could not believe some of the hurtful comments I heard and how much some of the woman changed. One woman told me that once you have a child your whole life changes and you become sort of a club with other mothers. It was pretty obvious she was also telling me that I no longer fit in because I didn't have children. I also heard a few comments about you are so much more of a woman when you give birth. At the time these were comments were so hurtful. I was thirty five and just been told I needed a hysterectomy. I had run into one of the woman I was friendly with a few years after we had moved. She started talking about one of the woman who had made comments. She went on to say that this woman and a few others had been very jealous of my life because my house was completely furnished, I had lots of nice clothes, money to go out to dinner and I loved my job. It never would have occured to me that anyone would have been jealous. The grass often seems greener on the other side no mater which side of the fence your sitting on. I also remember thinking how would these woman have treated someone that didn't want to have children and was happy with her career? This all happened 20 years ago. I would have hoped that things would be very different today. You really have to decide what you want in life and just be happy. Life is way too short not to be or to let someone's rude comments bother you. I wish I would have known this when I was 34. It would have made a few years so much easier. Everything in life is a trade off and you most certainly can have a wonderful life without having children the same way you can have a wonderful life having them.

 

[arkieb1]

I don't think it should be an issue, if people don't want kids thats O.K if they want a lot of them that is O.K too provided they give them the love and care they deserve. I was a school teacher a number of years ago - I make the observation that there are lots of really terrible people out there that should never be parents.

 

[momhappy]

I agree with a caveat.

If someone doesn't want kids, period, then I can respect that.
If someone says she doesn't want kids because they are too busy with life, career etc. and was just saying that to convince herself anddd the effect wears off just when she can no longer have one, well... she had her chance.

...and a man's chance never passes. Why does that sound as if the you think the "busy" woman should be "punished" if she makes choices she later regrets? Don't we all make some choices we later regret?

AGBF

I agree with AGBF because that post didn't sit right with me either. It's as though it minimized the issue with a sort of too-bad-so-sad attitude when this topic deserves so much more than that. The decision to have children is HUGE and I can sympathize with someone who struggles with it. I wouldn't say that someone is not deserving of sympathy simply because they had their "chance" to have children, but waited too long for whatever reason. AGBF is right - we all make choices and sometimes those choices work out and sometimes they don't. Women are bombarded with such conflicting messages these days. On the one hand, we are told to be independent, strong, successful, etc., but on the other hand, we are told that our clocks are ticking, so don't delay marriage, family, kids. It's not fair and I sympathize with those who feel conflicted about the path they want to choose.

 

[SylviaF]

Chemgirl,

I apologize if anything I wrote in my post was offensive to you. It was not intended in that way.

I have two good friends who are childless, happy, fulfilled, and just great, positive individuals that I'm fortunate to have in my life. In the case of my sister, she says she wants them one week and she doesn't the next, and this is just a small piece of this global change in her life that's made her darker, almost cynical. So naturally I worry about her.

You know what's funny? I've come across other moms who don't understand how I can say with conviction that two kids is enough for me and I don't want any more. I adore my kids, and I'm a better person because of becoming a mom, my kids are angels, but I know two is my top limit. I've had moms of four and six not understand that choice.

 

[Tekate]

That's it. Not everyone wants kids.

Not every childless woman is looking at your family with envy.

Needed to say this and didn't want to threadjack. I could get into how thankful I am that I don't have kids and how many of my friends feel the same way, but yeah, I'll keep it short and sweet. Not everyone wants kids.

One should never, ever have a child if they don't want one, but feeling thankful reads to me like there is something wrong with someone who does, I am thankful I had my kids and I am thankful you had the choice to be thankful for not..

I would never want to change my life, I love my kids more than A N Y T H I N G in this universe.. but that is my cup o'tea. I would have hoped after womens liberation in the 70s that we as women would not deride another's choice.

 

[D_]

I agree with a caveat.

If someone doesn't want kids, period, then I can respect that.
If someone says she doesn't want kids because they are too busy with life, career etc. and was just saying that to convince herself anddd the effect wears off just when she can no longer have one, well... she had her chance.

...and a man's chance never passes. Why does that sound as if the you think the "busy" woman should be "punished" if she makes choices she later regrets? Don't we all make some choices we later regret?

AGBF

I agree with AGBF because that post didn't sit right with me either. It's as though it minimized the issue with a sort of too-bad-so-sad attitude when this topic deserves so much more than that. The decision to have children is HUGE and I can sympathize with someone who struggles with it. I wouldn't say that someone is not deserving of sympathy simply because they had their "chance" to have children, but waited too long for whatever reason. AGBF is right - we all make choices and sometimes those choices work out and sometimes they don't. Women are bombarded with such conflicting messages these days. On the one hand, we are told to be independent, strong, successful, etc., but on the other hand, we are told that our clocks are ticking, so don't delay marriage, family, kids. It's not fair and I sympathize with those who feel conflicted about the path they want to choose.

It's not punishment.
It's called consequences - it comes bundled when one makes a decision/choice.
Trying to decouple that is like trying to create a magnet that only has a single pole (or having a credit card which doesn't require you to pay once the statement arrives).

Yes, we all make some choices we later regret.
And no, people can't always just change their mind whenever it's convenient for them.
We don't live in a vacuum. Whatever we do may affect other people.
It's just in this particular example, women hold the power to choose because only women can give birth.
If men can give birth, the same applies to them.

Imagine if someone says she don't want kids.
Her partner doesn't want kids either.
Great. They agree on this and get married.
Suddenly she says she wants to have kids.
If the partner has a change of heart too, that's great.
If not, she is putting the partner in a difficult position.
The partner still doesn't want to have kids but wants her to be happy.

I'm not trying to minimize the issue.
Quite the contrary.
I think the decision to have children is HUGE.
Hence all the more reason to give it some serious thought.
My comment was not directed to those who waited too long (though may still apply to them - hey, people make choices and have different priorities, right? At our own volition too, despite possible pressures from different people. We're all adults here).
I mainly have problems with people who only want something just when/because they cannot have it (that house/diamond/car is sold? But I want THAT. He has a girlfriend/is married now? I think I like him now, for some reason he just seems much more attractive now).

Try putting yourself at the position of the friend who she confides in.
Just an example (may be a bad one but hope you get the gist).
You remind your good friend (husband/kids, you name it) a couple of times to renew their passport because for some reason you think (maybe from past conversation, maybe just a hunch, maybe you are a super organized person who have a knack in seeing how things play out) it's highly likely that she is going to go overseas within the next six months.
She says something like "it's fine. I don't plan on renewing my passport. I don't think I'm going to be travelling anytime soon anyway, I have this and that and this and that. Why are you so naggy? It's my life, my decision, I know what I'm doing, you're being rude etc."
Then her passport expires, she was told to go on a training overseas (or attend close friend's/relative's destination wedding etc.) and can't go because she won't be able to get her passport renewed in time for the trip.
Then she calls you, crying etc2.
How would you feel?
Had I not told her so (or know other people have told her so) and she had brushed us off, I'd be able to sympathize more.

I agree with the conflicting messages, really unfortunate.
I think it's important for women to understand that while it may be possible to have it all, it's OK not to have it all, hence the need to prioritize.
(Yes one can be a Super Mom and be the head of Yahoo, are those two things "ALL"? We don't know how her other aspects of life are like. Even if there are a handful of women who SEEM to be able to have it all, is it reasonable to expect that from ourselves even if the same state of being does not really work for us?)
It's not easy, not even fair some would say.
But if someone wants to be truly empowered and have other people respect his/her decision, first he/she needs to own up to it.

 

[momhappy]

^I understand what you're saying, but at the same time, I would never give someone "the hand" (figuratively) and think to myself "you had your chance" because I just don't feel that way. I'm not criticizing your posts, I just don't agree with that part of what you said

 

[AGBF]

^I understand what you're saying, but at the same time, I would never give someone "the hand" (figuratively) and think to myself "you had your chance" because I just don't feel that way. I'm not criticizing your posts, I just don't agree with that part of what you said

momhappy-

You and I are truly on the same page here. I began to reply to D_, then felt I was being petty and decided not to post. You did a much better job with what you wrote than I would have with what I was attempting to write. You kept it simple and personal.

Thank you for posting.

AGBF

 

[chemgirl]

That's it. Not everyone wants kids.

Not every childless woman is looking at your family with envy.

Needed to say this and didn't want to threadjack. I could get into how thankful I am that I don't have kids and how many of my friends feel the same way, but yeah, I'll keep it short and sweet. Not everyone wants kids.

One should never, ever have a child if they don't want one, but feeling thankful reads to me like there is something wrong with someone who does, I am thankful I had my kids and I am thankful you had the choice to be thankful for not..

I would never want to change my life, I love my kids more than A N Y T H I N G in this universe.. but that is my cup o'tea. I would have hoped after womens liberation in the 70s that we as women would not deride another's choice.

I'm honestly curious about this and I don't mean it to you d snarky. Why is it OK for you to be thankful for your kids, but I can't be thankful that I don't have kids?

Birth control can fail, I have an underlying medical condition that makes oral birth control less effective than it should be. This could have resulted in children. I'm glad it didn't.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being a parent, wanting kids, living how you want. That's not what I'm trying to say at all. I think people can be childless, fulfilled and HAPPY to be childless without there being any underlying issues.

 

[chemgirl]

Chemgirl,

I apologize if anything I wrote in my post was offensive to you. It was not intended in that way.

I have two good friends who are childless, happy, fulfilled, and just great, positive individuals that I'm fortunate to have in my life. In the case of my sister, she says she wants them one week and she doesn't the next, and this is just a small piece of this global change in her life that's made her darker, almost cynical. So naturally I worry about her.

You know what's funny? I've come across other moms who don't understand how I can say with conviction that two kids is enough for me and I don't want any more. I adore my kids, and I'm a better person because of becoming a mom, my kids are angels, but I know two is my top limit. I've had moms of four and six not understand that choice.

No worries. I think I was in a bit of a bad mood and read some of the comments in a negative light. I'm sure your interaction with your sister is very complex I took offense to the posts that jumped to jealousy as a reason for her behavior. I mean it could be, but it could be a number of things.

I apologize for calling out your thread.

 

[Tekate]

There is childless and chldfree to my mind.. there could be (and I knew one woman) who was childless and did look with great envy and my friends that are childfree, to be honest, never ever looked, they had careers (military, medicine) although 90% of my friends did have kids. I have never looked at a childfree family with envy.

I guess I can misinterpret what one means by thankful.. I am thankful for my kids because I was in a horrible marriage to a selfish guy who wanted kids at 19 and then said no at 27.. I stayed because I loved the jerk and loved my nieces and nephews..then he cheated, we divorced (yay) and I met a great guy had my first kid at 35 and second at 39 so when I said I was thankful I really meant I was thankful that my first husband cheated, I really feel lucky to have had my kids, not thankful.. so sorry about that.

I think no one should have to have a child unless wanted, I think the childfree life is a choice.. I think it's wonderful that women have choices on whether to have children, neither life is better than the other, it's an individual road what one wants as a life and family.

That's it. Not everyone wants kids.

Not every childless woman is looking at your family with envy.

Needed to say this and didn't want to threadjack. I could get into how thankful I am that I don't have kids and how many of my friends feel the same way, but yeah, I'll keep it short and sweet. Not everyone wants kids.

One should never, ever have a child if they don't want one, but feeling thankful reads to me like there is something wrong with someone who does, I am thankful I had my kids and I am thankful you had the choice to be thankful for not..

I would never want to change my life, I love my kids more than A N Y T H I N G in this universe.. but that is my cup o'tea. I would have hoped after womens liberation in the 70s that we as women would not deride another's choice.

I'm honestly curious about this and I don't mean it to you d snarky. Why is it OK for you to be thankful for your kids, but I can't be thankful that I don't have kids?

Birth control can fail, I have an underlying medical condition that makes oral birth control less effective than it should be. This could have resulted in children. I'm glad it didn't.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being a parent, wanting kids, living how you want. That's not what I'm trying to say at all. I think people can be childless, fulfilled and HAPPY to be childless without there being any underlying issues.

 

[asscherisme]

That's it. Not everyone wants kids.

Not every childless woman is looking at your family with envy.

Needed to say this and didn't want to threadjack. I could get into how thankful I am that I don't have kids and how many of my friends feel the same way, but yeah, I'll keep it short and sweet. Not everyone wants kids.

I totally agree with this. I have kids and totally respect that this decision is not for everyone.

 

[chemgirl]

There is childless and chldfree to my mind.. there could be (and I knew one woman) who was childless and did look with great envy and my friends that are childfree, to be honest, never ever looked, they had careers (military, medicine) although 90% of my friends did have kids. I have never looked at a childfree family with envy.

I guess I can misinterpret what one means by thankful.. I am thankful for my kids because I was in a horrible marriage to a selfish guy who wanted kids at 19 and then said no at 27.. I stayed because I loved the jerk and loved my nieces and nephews..then he cheated, we divorced (yay) and I met a great guy had my first kid at 35 and second at 39 so when I said I was thankful I really meant I was thankful that my first husband cheated, I really feel lucky to have had my kids, not thankful.. so sorry about that.

I think no one should have to have a child unless wanted, I think the childfree life is a choice.. I think it's wonderful that women have choices on whether to have children, neither life is better than the other, it's an individual road what one wants as a life and family.

That's it. Not everyone wants kids.

Not every childless woman is looking at your family with envy.

Needed to say this and didn't want to threadjack. I could get into how thankful I am that I don't have kids and how many of my friends feel the same way, but yeah, I'll keep it short and sweet. Not everyone wants kids.

One should never, ever have a child if they don't want one, but feeling thankful reads to me like there is something wrong with someone who does, I am thankful I had my kids and I am thankful you had the choice to be thankful for not..

I would never want to change my life, I love my kids more than A N Y T H I N G in this universe.. but that is my cup o'tea. I would have hoped after womens liberation in the 70s that we as women would not deride another's choice.

I'm honestly curious about this and I don't mean it to you d snarky. Why is it OK for you to be thankful for your kids, but I can't be thankful that I don't have kids?

Birth control can fail, I have an underlying medical condition that makes oral birth control less effective than it should be. This could have resulted in children. I'm glad it didn't.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being a parent, wanting kids, living how you want. That's not what I'm trying to say at all. I think people can be childless, fulfilled and HAPPY to be childless without there being any underlying issues.

I think we agree on the basics. Life is a bit of a winding path. I sincerely hope that everyone can find what makes them happy. If that's kids, then wonderful, if it's not, still wonderful.

In my previous relationship I always felt that I had to have kids, no option. Everything I did for myself was a "hobby". I'm a chemical engineer, I'm an artist, I try to stay fit, but none of that mattered because some day I would stop it all and have kids. I agreed with that and thought it was what l wanted. Then that relationship fell apart and I met DH, the freelance programmer with multiple passports who works all over the world. Turn out I love travel. I love my art. I love my career. I love my nieces, but I don't feel I'm cut out to be a mom. I just don't want to do it.

I hate it when people are made to feel like they need to conform to some standard. As long as they don't hurt anyone, then go for it.

 

[Polished]

I think people can just be weird over the issue of children full stop. I remember our local newsreader ( who's also a journalist and something of an identity in our community) wrote an article about how she hadn't wanted children when she was younger or had allowed time to get away from her and by the time she had wanted children it had been too late. She'd included in the article things like how she'd already traveled extensively and that going out for lattes and brunches at cafes had lost some of its appeal. She was taken aback (as was I) by the vitriol that occurred in response to her exploration of the topic of, wanting a child but having that choice taken away through no longer being biologically able to. The backlash accused her of all kinds of selfishness even though she had made it clear in the article that she did enjoy the life she had chosen and appreciated all the good things it had allowed her to have.

It would be nice to see a bit more of a supportive attitude brought to the issue - whether people want kids or want them and can't have them, don't want them, how many they want.

 

[16ocean]

But I get constantly harangued by my dad's wife about how one is not a woman unless she has kids. I thought that was one of the most insulting thing I have ever heard.

Wow, that IS one of the most insulting things! WTF

yup!

 

[zoebartlett]

I used to get asked about when we were having kids, but it's stopped pretty much now. I think people know by now that it's not going to happen. I love kids, I work with them all day long, I love my friends' and family's kids, but I don't have the burning desire to have one of my own.

I will say though that I wasn't really prepared for what that meant in terms of maintaining my friendships. That's been really hard to adjust to. I'd love to make new friends but it's hard to do. I don't know if it's because people feel settled in their lives and don't feel the need to add to their list of friends or if it's something else.

 

[missy]

I used to get asked about when we were having kids, but it's stopped pretty much now. I think people know by now that it's not going to happen. I love kids, I work with them all day long, I love my friends' and family's kids, but I don't have the burning desire to have one of my own.

I will say though that I wasn't really prepared for what that meant in terms of maintaining my friendships. That's been really hard to adjust to. I'd love to make new friends but it's hard to do. I don't know if it's because people feel settled in their lives and don't feel the need to add to their list of friends or if it's something else.

Yes this is so true. I had a few very close friends who once they had kids despite my efforts and theirs we just grew apart. It is hard when you are at a different stage of life than others to maintain those relationships. They are busy with children and a new way of life and well life just becomes hectic, busy, stressful and full of other things that take (rightly so) center stage. Just the way it is. Sad but a fact.

I had always wanted to have children and knew this from a young age. My husband had always felt if it happened wonderful, but was fine if we didn't. When we moved to our first home everyone was moving into the new subdivion at the same time and we were all very close in age. There were get togethers every weekend and we all had so much fun together and got along great. Then everyone started having children. I could not believe some of the hurtful comments I heard and how much some of the woman changed. One woman told me that once you have a child your whole life changes and you become sort of a club with other mothers. It was pretty obvious she was also telling me that I no longer fit in because I didn't have children. I also heard a few comments about you are so much more of a woman when you give birth. At the time these were comments were so hurtful. I was thirty five and just been told I needed a hysterectomy. I had run into one of the woman I was friendly with a few years after we had moved. She started talking about one of the woman who had made comments. She went on to say that this woman and a few others had been very jealous of my life because my house was completely furnished, I had lots of nice clothes, money to go out to dinner and I loved my job. It never would have occured to me that anyone would have been jealous. The grass often seems greener on the other side no mater which side of the fence your sitting on. I also remember thinking how would these woman have treated someone that didn't want to have children and was happy with her career? This all happened 20 years ago. I would have hoped that things would be very different today. You really have to decide what you want in life and just be happy. Life is way too short not to be or to let someone's rude comments bother you. I wish I would have known this when I was 34. It would have made a few years so much easier. Everything in life is a trade off and you most certainly can have a wonderful life without having children the same way you can have a wonderful life having them.

Callie, of course I already know this story but I just wanted to say again how sorry I am you went through this. People can be unthinking (at best) at times and some can be so mean and of course time adds perspective and wisdom about these things. I know it still hurts when you think about it though and sending you huge (((hugs))) and love your way sweetie.


I also want to add that even though men can have children later in life for the most part than women their genetic material is also older and the risk for potential birth defects increases the older they are when they father children. So it is not a totally free advantage men have over women. The older they are the more of a risk of a problem. No doubt about it. So a man's chances do pass. Maybe not in the same way a woman's chances do but still they do.

I know there was a similar thread about this topic a while ago but I cannot figure out this darn search function and was unable to find it. I think the problem most of us have with this issue is not those who agree that it is a personal choice with no universal right or wrong but rather with those who think *their* choice is best for everyone or even most.

Child free, child full or child less (it is just semantics child free vs child less) doesn't matter what term you use OK. The point is there is no one right for everyone just as there is no one wrong for everyone. Live and let live love and let love. It's all part of the bigger picture of just letting people live the life they think is best for them without preaching/judging/frowning upon their personal choices that don't affect you in any way.

It's those judgy people who disapprove and think you are wasting your life your potential by not having kids and vice versa though I have to say not having kids seems more OK to discriminate against for some reason. I mean sure if you have lots of kids you cannot care for be prepared to be judged about that too but that is a different topic for sure. Have as many kids as you want but please be able to care and love all of them OK? As others have said there is nothing sadder than a person/couple who have kids that just don't seem able to love, care and raise those children. That is the real tragedy.

It would be nice to see a bit more of a supportive attitude brought to the issue - whether people want kids or want them and can't have them, don't want them, how many they want.

I agree completely.
(As long as they can care for all their children that is) .

 

[Lady_Disdain]

All too often, people feel (because I doubt it is a conscious thought) that there is only one right answer to life, just like in school exams. If someone has children and is happy as a stay at home mother, it implies that that is the right choice and being a career woman is somehow wrong. Or choose to travel while young is "right" and saving to buy a house is "wrong". Of course, others are seeing a happy career woman as implying that their choice was the wrong one.

Obviously, the truth is that there is no right or wrong choice and almost everyone would agree if asked that outright. However, their feelings of there being a right and a wrong makes them feel judged and lacking.

 

[partgypsy]

I never presume that every man or woman, wants to have a child or kids, and if they don't they feel deprived. I guess I come from that understanding for most of my life not being a real kid/baby crazy person, and and also knowing friends and classmates who knew they didn't want kids early on and went on to have interesting fulfilling lives, maybe not in spite of not having kids maybe in part because knowing themselves and living a life true to themselves. And there are times that I do envy colleagues who do not have kids or have only 1 child, their lives are more flexible time and money-wise.

It's one of those things, either if you do it or don't do it. And once you made your decision, you can't undo it. Once you've had a child or kids, not like you can change your mind and go back to your previously child free life. And especially if you are a women, a certain amount of time passes, and that window closes. Just like with anything, if you do it, feel should just commit to life you do have and make the best of it. Because there is a lot of life that is not under one's control anyways.

I hope everyone is doing well!

 

[jaysonsmom]

Kids are overrated......

I think they're the best thing ever!

But if other people don't want them, great. Their choice!

I agree, but to each their own!

 

[canuk-gal]

That's it. Not everyone wants kids.

Not every childless woman is looking at your family with envy.


I am in total agreement.


In my previous relationship I always felt that I had to have kids, no option. Everything I did for myself was a "hobby". I'm a chemical engineer, I'm an artist, I try to stay fit, but none of that mattered because some day I would stop it all and have kids. I agreed with that and thought it was what l wanted. I hate it when people are made to feel like they need to conform to some standard. As long as they don't hurt anyone, then go for it.

But this is where we divert paths. Stop working, staying fit, having a creative outlet because you are a mother? I simply do not understand this statement. Like most Mothers, I am a working professional. My colleagues and friends are Professors, Doctors, Lawyers, Educators, Engineers, Nurses, Small Business owners, and Scientists. Many work full time. Many also volunteer, are artists, marathon runners, avid hikers, are accomplished skiiers, etc, etc, etc.

FWIW, I returned to grad school when my son was 3. I completed my program, did my thesis research, and graduated in the top of my class with scholarships. I also worked part time. Was my workload increased--for sure. But none of my activates were curtailed because of children (OK maybe sleeping in)--in fact we travelled when my son was an infant and continue to do so wiiht him in tow, 22 years later.

No question having a family increases one's workload and garners time and unending commitment, but children in and of themselves, do not "prevent" you from having a life outside of motherhood. That is a personal choice.

cheers--Sharon

 

[chemgirl]

That's it. Not everyone wants kids.

Not every childless woman is looking at your family with envy.


I am in total agreement.


In my previous relationship I always felt that I had to have kids, no option. Everything I did for myself was a "hobby". I'm a chemical engineer, I'm an artist, I try to stay fit, but none of that mattered because some day I would stop it all and have kids. I agreed with that and thought it was what l wanted. I hate it when people are made to feel like they need to conform to some standard. As long as they don't hurt anyone, then go for it.

But this is where we divert paths. Stop working, staying fit, having a creative outlet because you are a mother? I simply do not understand this statement. Like most Mothers, I am a working professional. My colleagues and friends are Professors, Doctors, Lawyers, Educators, Engineers, Nurses, Small Business owners, and Scientists. Many work full time. Many also volunteer, are artists, marathon runners, avid hikers, are accomplished skiiers, etc, etc, etc.

FWIW, I returned to grad school when my son was 3. I completed my program, did my thesis research, and graduated in the top of my class with scholarships. I also worked part time. Was my workload increased--for sure. But none of my activates were curtailed because of children (OK maybe sleeping in)--in fact we travelled when my son was an infant and continue to do so wiiht him in tow, 22 years later.

No question having a family increases one's workload and garners time and unending commitment, but children in and of themselves, do not "prevent" you from having a life outside of motherhood. That is a personal choice.

cheers--Sharon

Very true, my mom worked full-time and it wasn't an issue as far as her career. She was home most evenings though, and that's where I would run into problems.

I find I have no time right now without kids. I work during the week, go to the gym after work, go to events/dinner/art group 4 out of 5 weekday nights, weekends are usually a long bike ride and concerts, dinners with friends.

I can't bring a kid to a lot of this. I wouldn't be home to help with homework, put them to bed, get them ready in the morning. DH is available less than I am. It just doesn't fit into our lifestyle and I'm OK with that.

I shouldn't have made it sound like I would have to give up everything to be a mom because I know that's not the case. I do think I would have to scale back quite a bit and I wouldn't want to do that.

 

[chemgirl]

I hate how it feels like there's a need to justify ourselves either way.

 

[ericad]

At the end of the day I think people in general can just be rude and inappropriate, no matter your choices. My child-free friends get crap from people, I get crap from people for only having 1 ("oh isn't she lonely?" Um no. "how will she ever learn to share?" Um just fine, thanks. "don't you worry that you'll regret not having more?" Um no) and my friends who have 3 or more kids get crap for that as well!

Women simply cannot win. And the worst part is that the crap is mostly flying from other women. LAME.