who paid for your upgrade?

[Katba1ou]

Thankyou everyone your replies have been very helpful. While we have been married for 2 and a half years and together for 7 and a half years our money has always been quite separate. My husband earns more than double what i do and is incredibly good with Money and savings. The money he has saved solely from what he has earned i don't feel i should have any say over and he feels that money should be there as a backup in case we need it and he is right to want to have that financial security. I think I'm going to have to accept that he will never understand my love for jewellery and diamonds and will have to partly fund the upgrade myself.

 

[RandG]

My husband paid for my e-ring stone upgrade out of an unexpected windfall he made on a stock he'd held for many years. It was very generous of him.

I wanted a custom hand-forged setting for the new stone, so I paid for that myself.

All my other jewelry (and I've amassed a little collection by now), I've paid for myself.

I earn more and our finances have always been separate. Works for us!

Good luck working out your upgrade with your partner. I say there is nothing wrong in contributing to your upgrade if you want to / can afford to, whatever works!

Anne

First, Anne H-- I love your ring. It's spectacular. I'm currently having an exact copy made. If it comes out as spectacular as your ring, I'll post it, with full credit to your ring as inspiration!

In terms of the topic, with one or two exceptions, I buy all my own jewelry, including the ring I now wear as my wedding/e-ring. I prefer it that way too.

I think couples who can find financial harmony and equality are evolved in a way I envy, but have never realized in my own life.

Best of luck to you. Can't wait to see what you ultimately do

 

[missy]

Yes, if your dh won't help with your upgrade as a gift (anniversary, birthday etc) then just buy it for yourself. Since you guys keep separate accounts I think that is the way to go.

I am sorry that he doesn't understand that this is important enough for you that it doesn't matter if he "gets" your love of jewelry. What he should understand is that this is something you love and want despite him not loving it too and for that reason alone it is enough of a reason for you to get the piece you love if you guys can afford it.

Thankyou everyone your replies have been very helpful. While we have been married for 2 and a half years and together for 7 and a half years our money has always been quite separate. My husband earns more than double what i do and is incredibly good with Money and savings. The money he has saved solely from what he has earned i don't feel i should have any say over and he feels that money should be there as a backup in case we need it and he is right to want to have that financial security. I think I'm going to have to accept that he will never understand my love for jewellery and diamonds and will have to partly fund the upgrade myself.

 

[Bonfire]

Yes, if your dh won't help with your upgrade as a gift (anniversary, birthday etc) then just buy it for yourself. Since you guys keep separate accounts I think that is the way to go.

I am sorry that he doesn't understand that this is important enough for you that it doesn't matter if he "gets" your love of jewelry. What he should understand is that this is something you love and want despite him not loving it too and for that reason alone it is enough of a reason for you to get the piece you love if you guys can afford it.

Thankyou everyone your replies have been very helpful. While we have been married for 2 and a half years and together for 7 and a half years our money has always been quite separate. My husband earns more than double what i do and is incredibly good with Money and savings. The money he has saved solely from what he has earned i don't feel i should have any say over and he feels that money should be there as a backup in case we need it and he is right to want to have that financial security. I think I'm going to have to accept that he will never understand my love for jewellery and diamonds and will have to partly fund the upgrade myself.

Good advice missy. Katba1ou your husband is a wise man. I can never "fault" a man who is careful about saving money. Too many folks don't have a safety net. I think there should be joint money ( majority) and separate money. Nothing wrong with saving and using your own. That being said, he can surely contribute as "credits" for Anniversaries, birthdays etc. no one should control it all IMO. Good luck!

 

[CRYSTAL24K]

My DH and I share the (his) money. I am a SAHM. The best decision that he ever made was making me CFO of our household. As CFO, I know exactly what we can and cannot afford. If he had not made me CFO, I would have asked and asked for a gazillion things until he caved and he can't say no to me He is pretty hands off with our finances. He literally has no idea what we pay for anything and I often laugh (internally- of course) when he suggests what we should do with accounts that I have earmarked for certain future financial expenses.

We are in the process of upgrading my wedding set and I wanted the whole shebang this year. I told him the $ amount needed and he was not comfortable with us spending that much at one time so we decided to split up the amount into 2 years. Even though we can afford it now, I will get the setting this year and a diamond band next year. With a large purchase and a purchase that is a visible symbol representing the fact that we are married, I need for him to be on the same page as me.

When I was working, I did not make large jewelry purchases so I did not feel the need to mention anything to him. I also made much more than he did for most of our relationship.

This is an interesting thread. Couples have so many different ways of handling this topic.

 

[CRYSTAL24K]

I also agree with Missy and Bonfire. Even if he "doesn't get" the jewelry thing, he can surely help you acquire the things you desire by contributing to your cause without jeopardizing your financial goals.

My DH spends money on Fantasy Football and (IMO) ridiculous work out gear/vitamins/programs and I never say anything because the Fantasy Football is something he does to bond with his brother and work associates and I know that he loves all of the work out stuff. He knows that I love jewelry and makes every effort to help me realize my jewelry goals.

Maybe have him look at your upgrade as a goal for a future anniversary

 

[missy]

Totally agree with Crystal and Bonfire. Yay for understanding spouses who are supportive and want their partners to be happy.

I hate to quote this oft used phrase but will expand upon it too so perhaps it will make more sense to both partners.

Happy wife happy life really does matter and let's expand it to include
happy spouse happy house. I mean, if both partners are happy it's a win win (as long as you can afford whatever material goods you are spending money on of course.

So let's recap. If something is important to you and makes you happy and you can afford to buy it who is losing here? Nobody. But if one partner denies you the right to purchase something that means a lot to you just because it doesn't mean anything to him and is not important from his POV I can see resentments building up and eating away at the relationship. And I am not just talking about bling. I find that when a partner puts the happiness of his spouse high on the list it goes a long way towards a healthy and happy relationship for both partners. IMO.

 

[Coralfish]

Thankyou everyone your replies have been very helpful. While we have been married for 2 and a half years and together for 7 and a half years our money has always been quite separate. My husband earns more than double what i do and is incredibly good with Money and savings. The money he has saved solely from what he has earned i don't feel i should have any say over and he feels that money should be there as a backup in case we need it and he is right to want to have that financial security. I think I'm going to have to accept that he will never understand my love for jewellery and diamonds and will have to partly fund the upgrade myself.

Hi Katba1ou

I hope I am not overstepping the line but what you said about you both contributing to the bills but he earning more than double what you earn. I am not sure whether your contributions are in proportion to your income or 50/50. And the way it is delineated into 'his' money and 'your' money and you were having to negotiate for an extra £500 over 2 1/2 years for your upgrade fund. Set off a tiny alarm bell in my head. It is probably way off, way way off, but look up 'financial abuse' with regards to relationships. There are extremes of this, but also much milder versions; as many of the ladies above have commented, funds are more often thought of as 'ours' post-marriage. Even if it is in that sphere, it may well be something you can easily both work through. And does not necessarily happen because one party sets out to intentionally be controlling, but can sort of end up that way over time.

If I am way off please completely ignore! I had to post though on the tiny tiny chance it may be of some use. The ladies above have been much more eloquent than me on this whole topic.

Warm wishes to you.

 

[Lookinagain]

what I want costs more (bigger diamond)) and it is more than my husband is willing to pay as as he puts it he has already paid out. I'm tempted to add to it myself but I don't have the kind of money it would require whereas my husband does.

Do you mean that you have a joint bank account but don't work outside the home? Or that you earn much less than your husband? If your hubby doesn't want to spend anymore on jewelry, I'd try to find a way to earn some extra money and tell him that it's for your bling fund.

We don't have joint bank accounts but we share the household bills however he earns considerably more than I do. I just suggested waiting until our 5th wedding anniversary which would also be 10 years together and he offered to up the budget by £500. The whole point in my suggestion to wait over 2 and a years is so he could save or add to his suggested amount (£2500) so that he would be able to spend without feeling like it's being blown on such a large purchase. Ive tried to explain that what i would like would be more expensive but it would be forever after this one. I've even said id be more than happy to buy preowned to reduce the cost but it falls on deaf ears as he has no interest in jewellery or diamonds at all.

When you say that you share the household bills, do you mean proportionately to each of your incomes so that you each have the same proportion of disposable income left over after the bills. Or do you split them, even though he makes substantially more than you do? If it's proportionate to your earnings, I'd say that you should save up some of your disposable income and when you have enough, added to what he''s willing to contribute, then you buy. If it's not proportionate, well, then.....

 

[swingirl]

I don't understand seperate money. everything we buy we buy with our money no matter who earned it. On the subject of upgrades, my husband got a bonus at work. He bought a motorcycle. I bought a new diamond ring. My original 20 year old 0.5ct ering was bent and unwearable.

Maybe it's the idea of an upgrade after only 2 years that is your husband's sore spot more that who pays for it.

 

[snfsdca]

On the plus side, if you pay for it yourself, you get exactly what you want without feeling the need to concede to an opinion of someone financially "invested". Nothing wrong with a gal buying her own jewelry

 

[LLJsmom]

I don't understand seperate money. everything we buy we buy with our money no matter who earned it. On the subject of upgrades, my husband got a bonus at work. He bought a motorcycle. I bought a new diamond ring. My original 20 year old 0.5ct ering was bent and unwearable.

Maybe it's the idea of an upgrade after only 2 years that is your husband's sore spot more that who pays for it.

Many people come to marriage with differing histories. Maybe second or third marriages, where they have learned that separate finances is what works best in their experience. Or people just have different philosophies because they were raised differently. It happens and can work well, depending on the couple. People vary...

 

[missymoo]

I'm sorry to pry....but you don't contribute 50/50 to the household when your incomes are 2 to 1? If so, how about renegotiating the settlement of household funds with the help of a financial consultant and start a savings account for yourself.... designated for fun splurges??

 

[claireos]

We both paid for it (all our money is combined). But DH agreed to purchasing another piece when I said I would trade my next birthday and Christmas for it. That way, we were already spending a good chunk of what we already would have been spending, only in advance, and it wouldn't be such a dent in the finances. Totally worth it.

 

[retrogamer]

Totally agree with Crystal and Bonfire. Yay for understanding spouses who are supportive and want their partners to be happy.

I hate to quote this oft used phrase but will expand upon it too so perhaps it will make more sense to both partners.

Happy wife happy life really does matter and let's expand it to include
happy spouse happy house. I mean, if both partners are happy it's a win win (as long as you can afford whatever material goods you are spending money on of course.

So let's recap. If something is important to you and makes you happy and you can afford to buy it who is losing here? Nobody. But if one partner denies you the right to purchase something that means a lot to you just because it doesn't mean anything to him and is not important from his POV I can see resentments building up and eating away at the relationship. And I am not just talking about bling. I find that when a partner puts the happiness of his spouse high on the list it goes a long way towards a healthy and happy relationship for both partners. IMO.

This is the philosophy we have in our household and it works for us.