Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice...

[RockyRacoon]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

I didn't think I would post here again about this, but I have read the posts and a lot of them are hurtful to me. I am a good guy and I feel like there is more to the story. Don't you ever just get that feeling about something? I have processed this more and I feel that she probably wasn't that innocent in all of this. I think that is what I initially felt, but it was hard for me to have those intense feelings and think logically at the time. She has asked to talk to me about it and offered to bring a friend that was there to also tell what happened. I told her the friend wasn't necessary. I am going to talk to her again and look into her eyes and see what my gut feeling is.

Good.

Ignore these judgmental people giving 'advice.'

I assure you that this forum usually doesn't usually stoop to giving unsolicited relationship advice.

 

[Niel]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

I didn't think I would post here again about this, but I have read the posts and a lot of them are hurtful to me. I am a good guy and I feel like there is more to the story. Don't you ever just get that feeling about something? I have processed this more and I feel that she probably wasn't that innocent in all of this. I think that is what I initially felt, but it was hard for me to have those intense feelings and think logically at the time. She has asked to talk to me about it and offered to bring a friend that was there to also tell what happened. I told her the friend wasn't necessary. I am going to talk to her again and look into her eyes and see what my gut feeling is.

good luck in whatever you decide!

 

[momma2boys]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

I rarely post on here anymore but I just really want to add something. I really doubt her flirting was "innocent". I have a feeling she was flirting at a level that was truly disrespectful to her relationship to have a man attempt to kiss her. I understand that drinking was involved and I'm sure she is extremely regretful now, I get it, mistakes happen. However, I don't think for one second that this kiss was all based on a complete misunderstanding/misunderstanding on his part. And she kind of alluded to that - that she let the kiss linger too long. Hmmm, I wonder why?

I don't have a comment on all that's transpired since....to me, only he knows their relationship, not us, and we know nothing of either one of them besides what's been stated in this thread.

 

[EvangelineG]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

I didn't think I would post here again about this, but I have read the posts and a lot of them are hurtful to me. I am a good guy and I feel like there is more to the story. Don't you ever just get that feeling about something? I have processed this more and I feel that she probably wasn't that innocent in all of this. I think that is what I initially felt, but it was hard for me to have those intense feelings and think logically at the time. She has asked to talk to me about it and offered to bring a friend that was there to also tell what happened. I told her the friend wasn't necessary. I am going to talk to her again and look into her eyes and see what my gut feeling is.

I am so sorry this happened to you. What a terrible outcome to your proposal. Please trust your gut and go slowly in making your choices. I wish you healing and clarity.

 

[kenny]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

I assure you that this forum usually doesn't usually stoop to giving unsolicited relationship advice.

I assume you're joking.
It happens all the time here.

 

[packrat]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

If she had to sit and ponder and mull it over and it wasn't until he proposed that she decided she was so overcome and crushed by this guilt...um..what if he'd not proposed? Would she be still be feeling guilty and not talking to her boyfriend about it? What if he hadn't proposed for 3 more months? Would she have not said anything? Maybe SHE also isn't ready. Nobody thought about that? If something else happens down the road, will she need some sort of prompt to get her to say something after she's given it a while of thought? If I found out my husband had been flirting w/women in the bar, I'd have his balls for supper-he wouldn't need to sit and ponder shit. And if his flirting caused one of those women to kiss him? Nope nope nope. That's not about being jealous and possessive, that's about having r-e-s-p-e-c-t find out what it means to me for your mate. It's one thing if you hehehehe giggle at something another person says it's another if you're throwing yourself at them enough that they seem to think they can take some liberties w/you. Why are we acting like OP is some kinda big jerk?

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

You obviously don't love her enough to marry her because of the horrible things you said to her, and she deserves someone who loves her a lot more.

I was kind of turned off by an earlier statement you made that you weren't sure it would work out if she was disappointed with the size of the diamond. What???!!! Well, I think you were too wrapped up in what YOU wanted to give her and didn't care too much about what SHE wanted. Bad sign for her end of the deal. Because you could have gone for a larger J SI1 stone if she wanted a larger stone and still have stayed in budget. What is wrong with that?! I really don't hear the kind of love coming from you that would make a successful marriage. It is about the willingness to please the one you love more than yourself, and it is about forgiving when the other is sorry for mistakes.

Anyway, I hope all concerned learn valuable lessons for the future.

(Packrat, I see a big difference in that happening once married versus when dating. Not that it is good, but if their love was strong enough, he would be able to forgive her because she was honest with him. It's not like she slept with the guy. They'd probably need to have an agreement not to go to bars solo in the future, or something.)

 

[kenny]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Why are we acting like OP is some kinda big jerk?

Misandry.

 

[dawnxcui]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Strike 1: you called your mother and balled your eyes out because some guy kissed your girl

Strike 2: your reaction after she confessed to you and said she's too ashamed to be wearing the ring because she doesn't think she deserves it (she did not deserve that ring, she deserves something and someone better)

Strike 3: and this is something nobody picked up on. This is what your said in your first post before you doing out of this whole kissing ordeal.

You said:
<quote>It is still in the return period, but I think it is a great ring and if she just wants me to spend more money on a bigger rock, maybe this isn't going to work out</wrote>

So ,if she, for some reason didn't like the style of this oh-so-perfect ring that you picked out for her, or if she said "honey can we make it an even 1 carat?" you were gonna call it quits?

If I were the girl I would run the other way as fast as I can!

From the sounds of it, I'm not sure if your ready for marriage.

 

[Oecut253]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

By putting his posts on this forum, the OP opened himself up for advice. So I don't believe it's unsolicited advice. You just may not have liked what the majority of the advice was Rocky Raccoon.

 

[packrat]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

I get what you mean, DS, but I feel like things you do when you're dating, find their way into the marriage. If it's no big deal to flirt that strongly when you're *thisclose* to being engaged, you know? It's not like they've only been dating for a few weeks, they're far enough into their relationship that marriage has come up.

and yeah, if your girl is more interested in getting a bigger diamond, there might be something more to look into, if she isn't looking at what her guy can realistically afford and such, so yeah, I again gotta say maybe some of the onus is on her too??? maaaybe just a smidgeon? If he's thinking she might be concerned about the size of the diamond, might something have been said that we're unaware of, by her to him, about what her expectations are and maybe he is unable to provide her what she is expecting and is concerned what her reaction to that will be? Cuz we've alllllll seen on here the girls who have THIS WILL BE WHAT I GET REGARDLESS ideas in their heads.

 

[marymm]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

I didn't think I would post here again about this, but I have read the posts and a lot of them are hurtful to me. I am a good guy and I feel like there is more to the story. Don't you ever just get that feeling about something? I have processed this more and I feel that she probably wasn't that innocent in all of this. I think that is what I initially felt, but it was hard for me to have those intense feelings and think logically at the time. She has asked to talk to me about it and offered to bring a friend that was there to also tell what happened. I told her the friend wasn't necessary. I am going to talk to her again and look into her eyes and see what my gut feeling is.

OP - I am glad that you are taking the time to talk with her again - I know you were hurt by her reaction to your proposal, and I know you were really hurt by what she told you happened last Friday. To me, trust is paramount in a relationship. I do think she has broken that trust - and I do believe she realizes that and was trying internally to process what had happened - however, it is unclear if she would have brought it up had you not proposed. Depending on your particular relationship and your shared vision of a lifetime partnership, this may be something the two of you can get through and grow through... it really depends on the course of your next talk and how the two of you feel about each other. I hope the two of you can talk and listen with open minds and loving hearts - you have my very best wishes.

 

[AprilBaby]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Let's be fair; supposed the tables were turned? If he was at a bar and kissed a girl, then proposed but told her about it and she was complaining, we would all tell her to run.

 

[kenny]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Let's be fair; supposed the tables were turned? If he was at a bar and kissed a girl, then proposed but told her about it and she was complaining, we would all tell her to run.

How I feel is not altered by the genders of the two but I suspect that's because I have no dog in the age-old fracas between the genders.
I'm a man, but not a participant in the dance.

 

[Niel]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

I get what you mean, DS, but I feel like things you do when you're dating, find their way into the marriage. If it's no big deal to flirt that strongly when you're *thisclose* to being engaged, you know? It's not like they've only been dating for a few weeks, they're far enough into their relationship that marriage has come up.

and yeah, if your girl is more interested in getting a bigger diamond, there might be something more to look into, if she isn't looking at what her guy can realistically afford and such, so yeah, I again gotta say maybe some of the onus is on her too??? maaaybe just a smidgeon? If he's thinking she might be concerned about the size of the diamond, might something have been said that we're unaware of, by her to him, about what her expectations are and maybe he is unable to provide her what she is expecting and is concerned what her reaction to that will be? Cuz we've alllllll seen on here the girls who have THIS WILL BE WHAT I GET REGARDLESS ideas in their heads.

But was she aware she was "this close"? How surprising was it?
I get the OP's point in saying he feels like thers more to the story, but I totally get where she might think they are in a relationship, going along, something happens and she tries to put it out of her head then BOOM all of a sudden theres this huge commitment that she takes seriously, and doesn't want any secrecy.... you know. I mean, I can see it both ways.

and to your point about the ring, a 1ct plus a halo probably ran around 6-8k?

I mean, an this isn't directed toward the OP, but, if she was unhappy, after a discussion, the ring could have been returned for an old cut solitaire at a L-N ratio....and that would have been big. So I think that HAD it been about size, or that the ring wasn't here style, things could have been done...

 

[Niel]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Let's be fair; supposed the tables were turned? If he was at a bar and kissed a girl, then proposed but told her about it and she was complaining, we would all tell her to run.

To be fair you reversed a lot of the scenario. If the only thing that was reversed was that someone kissed him and then SHE proposed, I would feel exactly the same way.

But if HE kissed a girl, then HE proposed, THEN told her- that's totally different. He was the one that decided to kiss a girl in that scenario, and hes the one that proposed before confessing. She didn't kiss someone- she got kissed. That's different. Then she didn't choose to propose, she was surprised and proposed to.

 

[distracts]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

I get what you mean, DS, but I feel like things you do when you're dating, find their way into the marriage. If it's no big deal to flirt that strongly when you're *thisclose* to being engaged, you know? It's not like they've only been dating for a few weeks, they're far enough into their relationship that marriage has come up.

I agree with you here in that I don't think there are different standards of conduct for dating vs marriage. I think if you're seriously dating and considering a life commitment, you're probably treating that person as you would your life partner already.

 

[packrat]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

She might not have been aware, that's true. But still, I can't see how she would be blissfully unaware of his thoughts/feelings/intentions, or that she thought they were just friends or not committed and it would be ok to flirt so strongly w/other men. I can see it both ways too, I agree..and then there's that little voice that tells me, if you're not comfortable enough w/your boyfriend (girlfriend whatever the case may be) to talk to them, tell them things that happen, maybe you should rethink how serious the relationship really is or should be. Was she hedging talking to him b/c she was having doubts? Who knows, you know?

And yeah, there's things that could be done if she didn't like the halo or wanted a bigger stone, I totally agree...just I think guys aren't always..well, sorry guys, but you're guys. You are by default not privy to how we girls can maneuver things (not people, I'm not talking manipulating people, I'm talking manipulating *things*) to get the diamond/ring we want. Except Kenny and DF, they know. *most* guys would just be like-she wants a halo, it *has* to be a halo, rather than "she wants a halo and X diamond size. I can't do both, so maybe if I went w/a simple four prong solitaire in 14k *now* I could get her the X size she wants, and we could upgrade the setting to the platinum halo she wants at our whatever year anniversary"

 

[kenny]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Packrat, I'm as much of a butthead as the average guy.

I picked out all 3 of the diamonds I gave my SO.
He had zero say.
The first diamond ring and both upgrades were all complete surprises he didn't see coming.

... and like the OP, I also think I have good taste ... but things may have gone differently if my SO wanted something totally different.
I suspect he's in the camp of, "Whatever he picked out for me I love."

I'll never know if that is true or if he would have picked the same.

 

[TC1987]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

I didn't think I would post here again about this, but I have read the posts and a lot of them are hurtful to me. I am a good guy and I feel like there is more to the story. Don't you ever just get that feeling about something? I have processed this more and I feel that she probably wasn't that innocent in all of this. I think that is what I initially felt, but it was hard for me to have those intense feelings and think logically at the time. She has asked to talk to me about it and offered to bring a friend that was there to also tell what happened. I told her the friend wasn't necessary. I am going to talk to her again and look into her eyes and see what my gut feeling is.

Here is my take on this: There may be more to the story. In your first post you said she'd been "pushing" you to propose. If you've been dating a long while, or if she is in a hurry to get married, maybe she just felt that the relationship didn't appear to have a future and she had been seriously contemplating moving on with someone new. That would explain the flirting with the other guy. And her lack of reaction to the proposal. Maybe your relationship was close to over or turning into "just friends" and then you suddenly proposed and she had mixed emotions about it. When dealing with people who are dating in order to find a marriage partner, relationships either end in marriage, or they end, most of the time. Many, perhaps most, people who are contemplating leaving a relationship will not do it unless they have another one lined up. She has the right to move on if the relationship isn't working for her same as you would if it's not working for you. What you need to discuss is whether or not you both think you have a future with each other. And I would not rush into engagement if either of you feels something's gone "stale." If it's over, it's over. Be cordial and just move on.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

[quote="packrat|

And yeah, there's things that could be done if she didn't like the halo or wanted a bigger stone, I totally agree...just I think guys aren't always..well, sorry guys, but you're guys. You are by default not privy to how we girls can maneuver things (not people, I'm not talking manipulating people, I'm talking manipulating *things*) to get the diamond/ring we want. Except Kenny and DF, they know. *most* guys would just be like-she wants a halo, it *has* to be a halo, rather than "she wants a halo and X diamond size. I can't do both, so maybe if I went w/a simple four prong solitaire in 14k *now* I could get her the X size she wants, and we could upgrade the setting to the platinum halo she wants at our whatever year anniversary"[/quote]



Yup, I would never take a chance on an expensive custom setting hoping that she will fall in love with the ring.

 

[Niel]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

She might not have been aware, that's true. But still, I can't see how she would be blissfully unaware of his thoughts/feelings/intentions, or that she thought they were just friends or not committed and it would be ok to flirt so strongly w/other men. I can see it both ways too, I agree..and then there's that little voice that tells me, if you're not comfortable enough w/your boyfriend (girlfriend whatever the case may be) to talk to them, tell them things that happen, maybe you should rethink how serious the relationship really is or should be. Was she hedging talking to him b/c she was having doubts? Who knows, you know?

And yeah, there's things that could be done if she didn't like the halo or wanted a bigger stone, I totally agree...just I think guys aren't always..well, sorry guys, but you're guys. You are by default not privy to how we girls can maneuver things (not people, I'm not talking manipulating people, I'm talking manipulating *things*) to get the diamond/ring we want. Except Kenny and DF, they know. *most* guys would just be like-she wants a halo, it *has* to be a halo, rather than "she wants a halo and X diamond size. I can't do both, so maybe if I went w/a simple four prong solitaire in 14k *now* I could get her the X size she wants, and we could upgrade the setting to the platinum halo she wants at our whatever year anniversary"

I would have expected that if this truly wasn't her fault, that she would have told him as soon as she got hone from the bar that night.
But then really how much was she flirting. Depending on how much alcohol the guy had, it might not have been much.

I can remember an example in my life - I was interested in a guy, and his best friend was interested in me. We were at a party. The guy was drunk. He took me to a private area, confessed his feelings in a fumbly way and then leaned in and planted one on me. No initiation.

Also as for fun flirting. I get it. I'm not a lush or a huge flirt, but there's a kind of freedom you have with an individual of the other sex when, in your mind, that it has no chance in going anywhere and there is no pressure. For example, when single, I would never make a joke that could possibly be construed as flirting to a guy because I was too shy, but now maybe I'll jokingly wink at a friend, or say something stupid about a guy thinking I'm "sexxaaa".
And its not like I keep it from my husband, I'll do it in front of him because he and I both know its a joke and I don't mean it. So, in theory, she could have been harmlesssly having fun because in her mind she knew it wasn't going anywhere, and the guy misunderstood.

Or she could have been flirting for realsies because she liked the attention. I don't know.

 

[packrat]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Yeah, it's hard to say this or that about the flirting b/c we don't know to what extent. I "flirt" w/our guy friends when we're together. I've known them 20+ years, I'm comfortable w/them. JD is also friends w/them, and has known them almost as long as I have, except one, who was actually his friend first. I'd not act that way around a guy or group of guys I don't know, and certainly not in a bar and after having drinks. That's just me tho, what the heck do I know? 40 years old, 2 kids and married 13 years...I think I'm past the giggling flirting stage. I'm in the crap I'm tired and ohh we got a new Modern Family woo hoo stage.

Nah, Kenny, I think as a guy on a diamond forum who has stuck around this long to talk about pretties and other stuffs, you're less buttheadish than the average bear.

 

[Niel]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

Yeah, it's hard to say this or that about the flirting b/c we don't know to what extent. I "flirt" w/our guy friends when we're together. I've known them 20+ years, I'm comfortable w/them. JD is also friends w/them, and has known them almost as long as I have, except one, who was actually his friend first. I'd not act that way around a guy or group of guys I don't know, and certainly not in a bar and after having drinks. That's just me tho, what the heck do I know? 40 years old, 2 kids and married 13 years...I think I'm past the giggling flirting stage. I'm in the crap I'm tired and ohh we got a new Modern Family woo hoo stage.

Nah, Kenny, I think as a guy on a diamond forum who has stuck around this long to talk about pretties and other stuffs, you're less buttheadish than the average bear.

Hahaha. I'm 25 and I'm already in the "we could go out but, I mean, we have that new SVU DVD from Netflix" stage.

And yeah my "flirting" is harmless and everybody knows it, I guess the danger is when one party doesn't know it.

So I don't know. She could be in the wrong, he could be, everyone could be. I don't know. Lol.

 

[pyramid]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

I believe cheating means end of relationship. I do not think that is what is happening, 1. She wouldn't have pushed him away and
2. She wouldn't have felt bad about it or guilty. My marriage ended due to cheating, he still does not admit he cheated and it was going on for years with this one and two other women in the few months before I found out. He still said he didn't cheat, despite a neighbour telling me he had a woman in the house all week on a week I had been away visiting. Cheats do not own up to it or especially take the blame. SHE DID NOT CHEAT and deserves a chance. I am the last person who would write this to you if I had a little feeling she was not being honest. I think you have a good one there and she does deserve your love.

I know you must be hurting and your reaction is shock, not that you are not willing to love her, the larger diamond thing is just a saying I have seen other men writing that if she wasn't happy with what I pick and want bigger, there is more wrong in the relationship. Infact I have seen women here advising this very thing to people. You may just be repeating what others say.

Take a day or two then make it up with her. I think anyway.

 

[Cluless]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

OP I'm truly sorry this happened to you and your feelings were hurt, I know you feel people are judging you too harshly and don't know you. Please don't take this the wrong way I wasn't going to post anything but I think maybe it's important to show you what an outsider sees. Only you know your relationship and why you reacted the way you did but I'm sorry this is not to hurt you but to make you take notice maybe there were other unresolved problems resentments in this relationship for your reaction.

When I read this:

"I just really think she is disappointed with the ring.

I don't really get it. It's a nice tasteful ring. The only thing I can think of is that maybe she doesn't think I spent enough on her because the cost the ring is a fair amount lower than 2 month salary for me?

I think that is crazy and sort of pisses me off, because I think I got a nice ring and really didn't want to go overboard with the bling."

I'm sorry I just had to cringe here when I read this because you jumped to your own conclusion of why she reacted the way she did and it pissed you off. Really? You're pissed off? (Do you feel she is ungrateful, doesn't appreciate you, what is going on here ? There is more to your story and you know it) The question is why this reaction from you? And you were ready to throw away the relationship like an old used tissue based on a conclusion you came to. My question is why did you even bother proposing in the first place, sorry this should be what you should ask yourself before even considering going on with this relationship. Good luck to you. Again this wasn't meant to attack or judge you but maybe more of an eye opener for you.

 

[momma2boys]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

I don't think we should delve into things too deeply. We know so little of the true story. What we know is that this poor guy proposed to his girlfriend, the proposal did not go as planned....at all, he then finds out that a guy kissed her...I can see how this situation could spiral out of control fast. This was supposed to be a time of pure joy and happiness for BOTH of them. He is reaching out and exposing the awfulness of his situation to us.....that must be an incredibly difficult thing to do. And the judgement is extremely strong here.

I think it's obvious that he considers what his gf did to be a form of cheating...it doesn't matter if we agree or not.

OP - I hope you let us know how things go when you do talk to her.

 

[pyramid]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

I agree with momma2boys, he is in shock just now, remember he didn't know why she didn't like the ring then found out this. Her actions though speak for the better in my opinion.

 

[Lookinagain]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

I think you should reverse the situation. A girl, possibly drunk, kisses you. You push her away and leave. Then you tell your gf, soon to be fiance. She breaks up with you because of it. To me, it is an over reaction. To you, it might not be. Some people would not even think it was a big deal and wouldn't tell you because they really didn't do anything. They were not the agressor. But only you know what you can live with and what your standards are. And it sounds like you actually had someone with similar standards, or else she wouldn't have thought to mention it at all. Maybe neither of you are ready for marriage and this might have been something that in the end, will have turned out to be a good thing. Time will tell so take the time to figure it out.

 

[Lula]

Re: Just proposed. I think I screwed up with my ring choice

You obviously don't love her enough to marry her because of the horrible things you said to her, and she deserves someone who loves her a lot more.

I was kind of turned off by an earlier statement you made that you weren't sure it would work out if she was disappointed with the size of the diamond. What???!!! Well, I think you were too wrapped up in what YOU wanted to give her and didn't care too much about what SHE wanted. Bad sign for her end of the deal. Because you could have gone for a larger J SI1 stone if she wanted a larger stone and still have stayed in budget. What is wrong with that?! I really don't hear the kind of love coming from you that would make a successful marriage. It is about the willingness to please the one you love more than yourself, and it is about forgiving when the other is sorry for mistakes.

Anyway, I hope all concerned learn valuable lessons for the future.

(Packrat, I see a big difference in that happening once married versus when dating. Not that it is good, but if their love was strong enough, he would be able to forgive her because she was honest with him. It's not like she slept with the guy. They'd probably need to have an agreement not to go to bars solo in the future, or something.)

So true, DS. So true.