How Do You Manage Indecision?

[Huldak]

So if you've been over in RT, you might have noticed I'm ... undecided.

This is a pretty typical pattern for me. I make a decision, maybe quickly, maybe not, and then I question it. And if it's a decision that can't be undone, sometimes I panic about it, even if it's not that I made the wrong decision. Maybe I just didn't make the best one. Or maybe I don't know. How can one?

I've seen a lot of indecision in the form of buying and selling, setting and resetting on this board, but it pertains to all areas of life really. The decision as to what diamond to buy is a pretty unimportant one in the grand scheme of things really, I know.

How do you do it? What do you do when you've made a choice in life, big or small, and you're not sure it's the "right" one?

 

[kenny]

I have a huge problem with indecision.
It's not solution, but I delay decisions by procrastinating forever.

I'm no help.

 

[Huldak]

lol YES YES you've helped! Now I know I'm not alone.

 

[yssie]

I have a huge problem with indecision.
It's not solution, but I delay decisions by procrastinating forever.

I'm no help.

I do too Kenny. I've absolutely mastered sticking my head in the sand... drives my poor DH nuts, and it's almost landed me in real (y'know, the irreversible/irreparable sort of) trouble a couple of times. And yet... the habit persists!

 

[missy]

I make lots of lists in my head detailing the pros and cons of each decision and sometimes talk it out with my dh/trusted friends to clarify it in my mind. Usually just focusing on the good and the bad I can solidify the decision I am grappling with at the time. Good luck Huldak!

ETA: regarding matters of the heart I go with what the heart wants if the pocketbook is willing and able.

 

[Indylady]

I am rarely indecisive. I trust myself and whatever analysis I did to make the decision. I think indecision is too much of a cost for me--I don't have the time to worry twice about the same issues and I hate tying up others with indecision as well. I also do my thinking before I act, so that I don't have to back track on a transaction or job that I've already embarked upon. I'm also good at being "happy" and "satisfied."

How do you deal with it? Realize that most decisions won't make or break your happiness. Reallocate your energy and resources according to how important an issue is; if you're still indecisive once that's done, I'd give myself a time window to think about the issue, and go with whatever solution I have-- if I can't figure it out, then its probably not "time" and I'd just move on and put that project aside till later.

 

[Dee*Jay]

I'm generally very decisive and quick about it too. Funny though, more so with the BIG things (should I buy this property, should I move to Kansas City) than with the little things (should I get my step mother the Rowenta iron or the Black and Decker iron for Christmas). I do admit I often make a fast BIG decision but continue to talk about it. Mostly, I think, to (a) get validation I am not out of my mind (which, frankly, sometimes I am... ) or (b) to allow for one last "out" if a valid point does come up that I hadn't thought of and I can still bolt.

To paraphrase Colin Powell, "More battles have been lost based on INdecision than a BAD decision."

 

[sonnyjane]

Hahah! Funny you ask. If I have something narrowed down to two options (for example... Yes or No, Chinese food or pizza, etc.), I'll find my husband and ask him a series of questions to get to the answer. I do the best of three.

I change the criteria every time so that he can never guess what I'm going to base my decision on. It looks like this:

Question 1, I'll ask him for a number, say 1 to 10. Then I'll pick a criteria in my head "okay, if he picks 1-5, Chinese food, if he picks 6-10, pizza). He'll pick 3. One point for Chinese.

Question 2, I'll ask him for a number between 1 and 100. For this one, I'll pick a criteria like "Alright, if the number he picks is odd, then pizza, if even, Chinese". If he picks 20, then that's another point for Chinese and that's my decision lol. If not, then I'll ask him one more random question to decide.

That works well for things that I really honestly don't care what the outcome is. Now sometimes, I think I don't care what the outcome is, but if his answers determine that I order Chinese but I feel really disappointed, then I'll know that I really wanted pizza after all and order pizza hah!

I do this at least once a week with him.

 

[iLander]

I'm like DeeJay, the big decisions are easy; I visited a new town on Saturday, by Sunday afternoon I had purchased a house. I've done this twice now. Another example; met DH in Feb, married him in Dec. Married 30 years now.

But things I can't visualize . . . it's awful. Jewelry is the worst, because I'll have a stone, but I can't visualize a setting that it works with. It takes me forever to decide.

Someone needs to make some serious ring designer software, or something . . . something I can put a picture of my finger and my stone into. It's the scale that throws me off, it's so hard to judge scale from pictures.

But I have had luck with this trick: flip a coin. But commit to doing whatever the coin says, no wiggling. Then, while it's in the air, your head and heart will wish for a certain outcome. That's the one I choose, regardless of how the coin lands.

And another reality my hubby swears by; if you can't decide, you probably don't REALLY like any of it.

 

[Smith1942]

I find it the most difficult to make a decision when I'm tired. Even being a little short on sleep can do that to me. After a good night's sleep, I often find that I can think about it more clearly.

 

[Huldak]

These are all wonderful comments! I tried the coin idea, but I was too focused on catching the coin to be thinking about what I wanted it to say.

I think the walk away from it awhile idea has merit (I hope that's not the same as procrastinating ...). A friend suggested that to me last night as well. With regard to jewelry, the good thing about that plan is it prolongs the shopping! Which, I guess isn't really walking away. Okay, that's not going to work.

A pro and con list may be the solution.

I also need to figure out how not just to make a decision, but to be at peace and not second guess it once made.

 

[Dee*Jay]

These are all wonderful comments! I tried the coin idea, but I was too focused on catching the coin to be thinking about what I wanted it to say.

I think the walk away from it awhile idea has merit (I hope that's not the same as procrastinating ...). A friend suggested that to me last night as well. With regard to jewelry, the good thing about that plan is it prolongs the shopping! Which, I guess isn't really walking away. Okay, that's not going to work.

A pro and con list may be the solution.

I also need to figure out how not just to make a decision, but to be at peace and not second guess it once made.

OK, now THAT is a whole different conversation!!!

 

[movie zombie]

indecision.....sigh.
commitment issue?
took me forever to decide how to get my spess set.
other things? it is not as bad.
however, I've learned that 9 times out of 10 my first reaction is the correct one.
that if i'm undecided it is because something is not right and I need to research further and/or explore within myself why i'm undecided.

 

[blackprophet]

I make lots of lists in my head detailing the pros and cons of each decision and sometimes talk it out with my dh/trusted friends to clarify it in my mind. Usually just focusing on the good and the bad I can solidify the decision I am grappling with at the time. Good luck Huldak!

ETA: regarding matters of the heart I go with what the heart wants if the pocketbook is willing and able.

Hahah! Funny you ask. If I have something narrowed down to two options (for example... Yes or No, Chinese food or pizza, etc.), I'll find my husband and ask him a series of questions to get to the answer. I do the best of three.

I change the criteria every time so that he can never guess what I'm going to base my decision on. It looks like this:

Question 1, I'll ask him for a number, say 1 to 10. Then I'll pick a criteria in my head "okay, if he picks 1-5, Chinese food, if he picks 6-10, pizza). He'll pick 3. One point for Chinese.

Question 2, I'll ask him for a number between 1 and 100. For this one, I'll pick a criteria like "Alright, if the number he picks is odd, then pizza, if even, Chinese". If he picks 20, then that's another point for Chinese and that's my decision lol. If not, then I'll ask him one more random question to decide.

That works well for things that I really honestly don't care what the outcome is. Now sometimes, I think I don't care what the outcome is, but if his answers determine that I order Chinese but I feel really disappointed, then I'll know that I really wanted pizza after all and order pizza hah!

I do this at least once a week with him.

I do both of these! I'm glad I'm not the only one.

But in the first case, write down the lists. So when that indecision starts creeping in (and it inevitably does) you can revisit it and reassure yourself.

 

[House Cat]

I don't manage indecision. I obsess for years and then I usually make a very impulsive decision.


Then I tell myself some zen statement such as "there are no accidents" and try to move on with my life.



This process really does nothing for my anxiety.

 

[Huldak]

I make lots of lists in my head detailing the pros and cons of each decision and sometimes talk it out with my dh/trusted friends to clarify it in my mind. Usually just focusing on the good and the bad I can solidify the decision I am grappling with at the time. Good luck Huldak!

ETA: regarding matters of the heart I go with what the heart wants if the pocketbook is willing and able.

Hahah! Funny you ask. If I have something narrowed down to two options (for example... Yes or No, Chinese food or pizza, etc.), I'll find my husband and ask him a series of questions to get to the answer. I do the best of three.

I change the criteria every time so that he can never guess what I'm going to base my decision on. It looks like this:

Question 1, I'll ask him for a number, say 1 to 10. Then I'll pick a criteria in my head "okay, if he picks 1-5, Chinese food, if he picks 6-10, pizza). He'll pick 3. One point for Chinese.

Question 2, I'll ask him for a number between 1 and 100. For this one, I'll pick a criteria like "Alright, if the number he picks is odd, then pizza, if even, Chinese". If he picks 20, then that's another point for Chinese and that's my decision lol. If not, then I'll ask him one more random question to decide.

That works well for things that I really honestly don't care what the outcome is. Now sometimes, I think I don't care what the outcome is, but if his answers determine that I order Chinese but I feel really disappointed, then I'll know that I really wanted pizza after all and order pizza hah!

I do this at least once a week with him.

I do both of these! I'm glad I'm not the only one.

But in the first case, write down the lists. So when that indecision starts creeping in (and it inevitably does) you can revisit it and reassure yourself.

I made a decision!!!!!
First I made that list. Thanks blackprophet and Missy.

 

[momhappy]

Research, research, and more research.... That's how I make decisions. I research things to death. I also make lists in my head of the advantages and disadvantages of each choice. I go with my gut a lot - often times, a particular choice will just feel right in some weird way(s).

 

[dk168]

Most of the time, I make decisions based on gut-feel and instinct, and then look for evidence/information to support my decisions.

This means I usually make decisions quicker than those who prefer to gather and analysis data first before making decisions.

The only time I went against my instinct turned out to be a disaster!

Don't really know how I grew up to be able to make decisions quickly based on instincts and gut-feel, however, I remember some of my relatives commenting about me being snappy when I was quite young.

DK

 

[Indylady]

I don't manage indecision. I obsess for years and then I usually make a very impulsive decision.


Then I tell myself some zen statement such as "there are no accidents" and try to move on with my life.



This process really does nothing for my anxiety.

Hahahaha! Love it.

 

[packrat]

I don't manage it. I fret and fume and chew the sides of my fingers until my cuticles bleed, chew the insides of my cheeks, pull at my hair, cry, email and post about it 4gajillion times until people wish I'd just go away and get myself all worked up about it.

 

[Huldak]

I'm sorry packrat. That sounds awful.

 

[missy]

Glad you decided Huldak!

It's funny though. I was thinking about this and what others wrote and I realized while I am usually a very decisive person there are definitely a few things I have not been decisive about at all the major decision being if I should marry my dh.

Usually I have no problem with major decisions-I knew I wanted to buy my first home almost immediately after seeing it though I had just started looking. Same with our second home-in fact we had only seen one other before I saw our NY home and knew it was the one. Before I called my dh about it saying I had found our dream home. And same goes with our beach house. We both knew it was the one. But, when my dh proposed that was the most indecisive I had ever ever been in my life. I think that was mainly because I had *thought* without question that I never wanted to get married. So it took changing my whole "marriage is not for me" mindset and that wasn't easy. In the end I received wise advice from my dad when I shared my uncertainty about getting married. He said that life is not worth living without some risk. He was right. Best decision I ever made and I never once regretted it.

Sometimes you need to throw the lists out the window and truly just listen to your heart.

Packrat, I find working out really helps with any anxiety I might be dealing with at the time. Especially with some good music blasting away. Anxiety sucks but working it out literally can help. (((Hugs))) for whatever you are dealing with at the moment.

 

[packrat]

haha thanks guys. my current mind numbing issue is a ring I had made that is going to end up taking me forever to pay off that I didn't realize would take that long when I gave the go ahead.

And big issues like...when we redo the kitchen, should the cabinets be red and the walls cream? Or the cabinets be cream and the walls red? I will google and pin and houzz and hgtv and swim thru paint chips until I'm blue in the face.

Most of it is I'm not sure of my taste. If any of you followed my avc drama on my way to getting my three stone holy moly that's pretty par for the course.

Missy, I do need to get back into working out, that will help! And yoga..I have been sick for about 6 weeks now so have not been practicing.

 

[distracts]

Different people just have different decision-making patterns.

I take a LONG time to make a decision if left to my own devices, agonize for ages about it, talk to everyone I know about every facet of the decision, but once I make the decision I stick with it. If forced to make a decision fast... I stick with it. Once it's made, I usually don't spend much time worrying or questioning.

My husband will make a decision without appearing to think about it and then agonize for weeks afterwards! I don't get it - it's already been made, the time for worrying was before, when you could still have decided something else!

Right now I personally am in "agonize, panic, and become crippled with anxiety" because I am having to decide which job to pursue or accept and I need to make a decision soon. And I'm so crippled by anxiety that I am all confused and think I'd rather just be unemployed, which is obviously silly. I know which one I'm going to go for, too, which makes the whole thing extra silly. I just become filled with lots of fear about what if I make the wrong decision. But once I make the decision and start, I'll be fine! And I know all this but will likely sleep barely a wink tonight while I worry.

And big issues like...when we redo the kitchen, should the cabinets be red and the walls cream? Or the cabinets be cream and the walls red? I will google and pin and houzz and hgtv and swim thru paint chips until I'm blue in the face.

In case this is a real question, OBVIOUSLY the cabinets should be cream and the walls red. If you ever decide you don't want your kitchen to be red, or want to sell, that'll be much easier to fix than repainting the cabinetry.

 

[packrat]

And big issues like...when we redo the kitchen, should the cabinets be red and the walls cream? Or the cabinets be cream and the walls red? I will google and pin and houzz and hgtv and swim thru paint chips until I'm blue in the face.

In case this is a real question, OBVIOUSLY the cabinets should be cream and the walls red. If you ever decide you don't want your kitchen to be red, or want to sell, that'll be much easier to fix than repainting the cabinetry.

Yeah, it is actually my latest quandary. I'd planned on cream cabs/red walls until I saw a picture on pinterest of the opposite an it was so neat. Hopefully it will get done this winter so there probably will end up being a thread about it!

 

[yssie]

Good luck distracts, congratulations on your decision!! I hope your choice works out well

 

[distracts]

Good luck distracts, congratulations on your decision!! I hope your choice works out well

Thanks. The both nice and not so nice thing is that since it's a campaign, my choice is highly temporary and, AT MOST I will be working this one until March. More likely, I will be working this one for the next month only. SIGH. But I started this evening!

I am also thinking hard about applying to noncampaign jobs. It would be weird, but I'm kind of getting tired of this eternal job hunt thing. I have not yet been lucky enough to fall in with someone who keeps winning and wants me to work on staff once they've won. My husband thinks I should just push through since my employment/unemployment doesn't affect our finances and my fellow campaign staffers who started around the same time are all fleeing to the private sector at a rapid clip, so there's a strong "last man standing" element at play. But idk!

 

[Dreamer_D]

I tend to be pretty good about such things in my real life.... except when it comes to personal luxury purchases! It took me YEARS to find a watch I wanted to buy. An amount of time utterly out of sync with the amount of money I spent on the watch ($100 on sale baby! lol). When wedding dress shopping (yes I consider that luxury) I tried on literally hundreds of dresses.

And anyone around PS for more than a year likely knows a little bit about how I am indecisive about diamonds

But, I have solved this issue in the jewelery front in a couple ways. First, I released myself from the expectations that I SHOULD have one piece of jewelery forever. That expectation was paralyzing. KNowing I can, and will, change in the future makes me feel less anxious about it. Second, I buy things on the secondary market so I can recoup most of my investment should I make a change. Finally, I realized I enjoy the research and hunting and trying to decide. So I let myself enjoy it rather than fretting about it.

I still ponder a long time before I "make a move". I usually let things percolate for months. And I just chalk it up to a fun hobby.