my introduction

[zarla]

Hi everyone!!

This is my first post as a LIW. I am very into colored stones and antique jewelry and used to have another user name, but I forgot the password and whatever probably old email was associated with it. Oh well! I'd rather be somewhat more private about identifying details as an LIW... And OH MAN do I need to have some support in my my current LIW status. I feel like I can't really talk to my friends about it, and i def have some LIW itches to scratch.

Anyway, here's my deal: I'm in my late 20s, been living with my BF for about three years. I could gush on and on and on about how wonderful my BF is and how happy we are. He is SUCH a dreamboat We have talked abstractly about getting married, having kids and a life together, but I really feel like I'm ready to get this show on the road.

Without going into too many details, we both work in the same field. Over the next year or two, we will both be VERY VERY busy in our work. However, after those 1-2 years, we'll have the opportunity to move up to the next level professionally, but that would probably mean moving to a new city. If we are married at that time, it would make it a lot easier for us to move together. So it's kind of a catch 22 (not 100% sure if I'm using this correct but whatever!): we have to work really hard to move up, perhaps precluding planning a wedding, but we likely have to be married to move together. I know that he wants to feel like he can afford to pay for a wedding, which will be easier in a couple of years, but we sort of have to be married before then. He is a very responsible person, and I know he will be more enthused about getting married when he is more professionally set up, but I'm not sure how that will work with the timeline and us being able to live in the same city.

Sorry if that was confusing, but I hope it gives some background! In short: I feel like his #1 priorities are work-related. Only then will he feel "ready" to focus on his personal life. But I think we both want to be together as our professional lives unfold, and in order for that to happen, it would help to be married. At the same time, I don't want getting married to compete with his professional goals and wind up being associated with stress.

I feel self-conscious bringing up getting married with my boyfriend in part because I feel like I've been the driver of a lot of big moves in our relationship. I was the one who took the initiative to suggest that we become exclusive. I was also the one who took the initiative to suggest that we move in together. Sometimes this bothers me and makes me feel insecure. I want getting married to be *his* idea, his plan. I really believe in honesty and equality in relationships, but I really need him to be the captain of this ship at this stage. I find myself biting my tongue all the time. Any advice??

Another-- more fun!-- piece of the puzzle is that is know SO much more about gems and jewelry than he does. I have helped so many other people find awesome deals on gorgeous e-rings and I am very ready for it to be my turn! I like colored gems, yellow or rose gold, and antique styles. My dream dream would be a rich, pure red ruby in an ornate yellow gold die-cut Van Craeynest settings with diamond accents. But that's definitely out of our budget, and fortunately I like less saturated stones in less complicated settings. Not exactly sure how we'll figure out how to help him "steer the ship" while taking advantage of my knowledge of vendors, but we'll deal with that as we go along I guess...

For a wedding, I definitely want something low budget and low stress. Right now, I'm picturing a white sundress and BBQ OR a white lace 1960s mini dress and cocktail party with heavy hors d'oeuvres.

So, yeah, that's me! Put me on the list!

 

[nowicanseethemoon]

Welcome!

Have you ever thought of just talking about timing and how he sees things unfolding (in a non-demanding sort of way)? How does he see your professional lives going and how will it work for you both to move if you aren't married? Ask him the questions you're stressing about. You might be surprised that he hasn't actually thought about the logistics of it. And if you can talk about it, maybe he'll see your logic and move up his time table.

 

[cygnet]

Hiya! Welcome!

I agree that a frank discussion would probably help you guys sort things out. This situation is actually fairly common (I used to work with grad students who had to fight to stay together due to job availability in different locations, etc... they often get married first and then plan on having a big party with a vow renewal in a few years).

Anyway, post more! We can get to know each other. It's been kind of quiet around here lately.... hmmm.

 

[madelise]

Hello! Welcome!!!

Do you guys work for the same company or something? How will your marital status determine chances of employment advances? Or work relocation? Is this military? Lol sorry Im so confused!

Don't walk on eggshells cus you're afraid of adding stress or whatever. Honesty is the best policy-- you shouldn't have to hold things in bottled up just bc you want him to stay stress free. AND, the convo doesn't have to be stressful in the least!! Have a relaxed, chill afternoon talk with him, zero pressure, and find out what he thinks about all this

 

[zarla]

Thanks for the welcomes! I am also looking forward to getting to you know you guys more. As cygnet pointed out, it has seemed quiet around here lately (like I said, I am a long time lurker, though usually on colored stones, antiques, jewelry pieces, SMTB, etc.) and I wonder why? Anyway, it's nice to have an intimate community!

Madelise, sorry to be confusing about the job thing. It's more like, professional advances together, in the same city, are more likely if we are married. It's a lot (but not exactly) like the grad student situation cygnet describes.

I honestly think the reason why I'm being such an opaque weirdo is because I secretly hope he will start browsing PS soon (he knows it is the place for e-ring help and info) and don't want him to stumble across my posts and notice identifying information! I guess I am paranoid!

Which, yes, you are all right. I probably should just talk to him. In a low pressure way. I think nowIcanseethemoon's point about *asking* how he sees it unfolding might be a good one. I think I am just a naturally proactive person, I feel like I have to scale it all the way back and possibly overcompensate. I just don't want to feel like I "got" him to marry me. I don't know why I'm so concerned about that.

To some extent, it has to do with our relationship-- wanting to feel like it's something BF REALLY wants-- but it also has to do with cultural and family expectations. I have always been somewhat of a liberal feminist and my dad is from a country where the marriage rates are actually dropping and women are supposed to be very independent and almost tomboy-like by American standards, so while I was comfortable being more assertive at various phases of our relationship, I'm a little embarrassed to admit how badly I want to get married, like it makes me seem needy or brainwashed by wedding-industrial complex. These are not things I often judge other people for, just myself. Does anyone else feel this way?

 

[gem_anemone]

I just don't want to feel like I "got" him to marry me. I don't know why I'm so concerned about that.

To some extent, it has to do with our relationship-- wanting to feel like it's something BF REALLY wants-- but it also has to do with cultural and family expectations. I have always been somewhat of a liberal feminist and my dad is from a country where the marriage rates are actually dropping and women are supposed to be very independent and almost tomboy-like by American standards, so while I was comfortable being more assertive at various phases of our relationship, I'm a little embarrassed to admit how badly I want to get married, like it makes me seem needy or brainwashed by wedding-industrial complex. These are not things I often judge other people for, just myself. Does anyone else feel this way?

Hey zarla!

I am not a LIW, but I can tell you that I completely felt the same way you decribed in your post. I wanted to be married to my BF, but luckily I didn't want to be married so badly that it was causing problems in our relationship. I didn't resent him and I knew he knew how I felt about wanting to get married soon, but we were busy putting things into place and I knew we would get there eventually. However it sure felt like I waited longer than I would have liked if I were the one who had been "in charge" of the ring and proposal. Being the one who has to let things go is not easy for me as I am the planner, but I sucked it up. I didn't browse rings, I didn't ask him about rings, and I didn't suggest shopping for them. I wanted him to bring it up. We did discuss getting married, we already owned a house together and he kind of knew that I would be expecting a ring and proposal, but that was all he had to go on.

I felt that I didn't want to "trick", "convince", or "force" my BF into marrying me. I see this happening all the time that I didn't for a second want to be judged or seen as someone who would do that to my man. I didn't want to buy him the ring, hand it to him, and have him propose with it. I didn't want to step on his toes and ruin any surprise that he wanted to do. I wanted him to step it up and get it done without poking and prodding or nagging from me. It was probably 9 months after I thought he should seriously start thinking about proposing when he finally said "hey do you want to look at rings?" That was such a relief. But then of course after we shopped and bought the ring he sat on it for a couple months...at one point I did get a little crazy and bothered him for the proposal and he proposed later that day. Oh well I guess no one is perfect! Needless to say it was quite a surprise that he did it that day that I whined. I think most guys would not have done that.

The wedding on the other hand, was not really something I was super excited about. I have never been the one to daydream about my wedding day, so I had to start from scratch and figure it out as I went along. It ended up being great and we are happy we did it. I tried really hard not to get sucked up into the wedding complex mindset...of course no one is perfect and I went over budget on some stuff, but oh well we had a great day. Good luck on your eventual proposal! I hope you can get an idea soon of what your man is thinking.

 

[Jumpin_Jacks]

Welcome Zarla!!

Interesting to read some of the responses on the timing thing. I too was ready awhile ago, but there's just something about guys getting their $h*t together. It feels like with guys it's a timing thing like stable job/career, house.....to be able to provide and be stable. Where like me and some women I feel like, we just only wait out for the one, then we're supposed to figure that all out together, right?

So as long as you have an honest open conversation, that's he's not sure about the strength of your relationship, but it's truly timing for him, maybe that'll help. Helped myself be more patient, but believe me, I've been asking the last few years. You first start talking, then you maybe talk rings. When it goes from oh, later to ok let's go shopping, you're making progress. Sounds like your guy is like some who feels like they want to be "ready" so you may have to still initiate, but just keep lines of communication open. Lots of dust to you!

 

[zarla]

Thanks gem_anenome. That is how I feel. I mean, I don't judge other particular people, it's more like there's this abstract concept of a needy bridezilla (or LIWzilla) that I can't get out of my head, even though I've never encountered someone who really fits the bill.

I keep trying to psych myself to say something to him, but then I just think: Oh, just wait another day. Who knows! You might be pre-empting him bringing it up!

Ironically, trying to act all independent puts me in a more dependent role. Blah.

Jumping Jacks - Yeah, I think he definitely has the more stereotypical male take on it. I also think that, for whatever reason, it's not something he has burning desire for the way I do. He's not against it at all, it's just not fun or exciting for him. Like, if tomorrow we got a message saying that if we could get some benefit if we got married asap, he'd be totally down for a city hall wedding, and would be happy about it. But, the idea of taking a bunch of time to research and procure a ring (and being just the beginning of the process)... well, my guess is that that is something that keeps getting bumped down to the bottom of his to do list.

 

[pandabee]

Welcome zarla! I'm glad you decided to come out of lurking and be our fresh meat It's nice to have new faces!

I agree that just opening a conversation to test the waters and see what page he is on will help clear up the most. I do understand completely what you mean as far as not wanting to push too far, but there's nothing wrong with talking about it just to make sure you are at a mutual understanding. On another note, everyone is different and while I personally did in fact buy, hand him the ring, and am waiting for him to propose, I don't feel like I pushed him to change whatever beat of the drum he is going by at all (just took out the search which he was admittedly very grateful for because the one time I took him into a jewelry store he was extremely uncomfortable).

That being said, do you think he would be willing to let you help do some of the research? Especially if you are like many of us here and are gemstone/diamond-obsessed and will read up all about it and have pretty specific wants?