Are you someone's "the one that got away"?

[partgypsy]

Maybe (my college sweetheart). Nothing against him; he was only the 3rd guy I dated, my parents were going through a divorce, I was definitely not in the mindset to settle down. But it made me feel bad when he went through a long time (years) without dating anyone after me. But - he is now happily married with kids. I am honestly happy for him, for one having kids is an awesome experience.

When I was young I used to believe in true love, where only a few people in the world may be "the one." But from my experiences, alot of it just has to do with meeting a compatible person at the right time, right place, and both being in a similar frame of mind. Certainly rare, but not the same concept as "the one". Maybe it's less romantic, but it's more optimistic!

 

[aviastar]

Ok, this thread is eerily relevant to me right now! I need some PS advice!

What is the kindest way to respond to contact from an ex who has baldly stated you are the one that got away? I have told him I don't feel that way, and I have ignored since then. I have never outright asked him to stop contact, because I don't know if I owe him some kind of explanation to go along with that request; i.e. however you may have romantacized me in your head, we aren't friends and never really were since you treated me like crap and now I think it's creepy that you won't stop contacting me!

He's not a bad guy, just one with some emotional immaturity issues, so I don't want to be cruel, but I do want him to stop contacting me.

Keep ingnoring or contact and state no more contact?

 

[kenny]

Ok, this thread is eerily relevant to me right now! I need some PS advice!

What is the kindest way to respond to contact from an ex who has baldly stated you are the one that got away? I have told him I don't feel that way, and I have ignored since then. I have never outright asked him to stop contact, because I don't know if I owe him some kind of explanation to go along with that request; i.e. however you may have romantacized me in your head, we aren't friends and never really were since you treated me like crap and now I think it's creepy that you won't stop contacting me!

He's not a bad guy, just one with some emotional immaturity issues, so I don't want to be cruel, but I do want him to stop contacting me.

Keep ingnoring or contact and state no more contact?

Since he can't take a hint, tell him, "No more contact!"
You do not owe him any explanation.
He'd just argue it away since he sounds like he doesn't respect boundaries and you have yet to learn how to establish and communicate them.

Nobody, even blood family members, have any rights over you.

You are the boss of your life.

 

[aviastar]

Ok, this thread is eerily relevant to me right now! I need some PS advice!

What is the kindest way to respond to contact from an ex who has baldly stated you are the one that got away? I have told him I don't feel that way, and I have ignored since then. I have never outright asked him to stop contact, because I don't know if I owe him some kind of explanation to go along with that request; i.e. however you may have romantacized me in your head, we aren't friends and never really were since you treated me like crap and now I think it's creepy that you won't stop contacting me!

He's not a bad guy, just one with some emotional immaturity issues, so I don't want to be cruel, but I do want him to stop contacting me.

Keep ingnoring or contact and state no more contact?

Tell him, no more contact!

Thanks, kenny! This is my gut reaction, as well; I just don't want to be mean about it, which is going to mean curbing my natural tendancy to be rather, um, harsh

 

[kenny]

Ok, this thread is eerily relevant to me right now! I need some PS advice!

What is the kindest way to respond to contact from an ex who has baldly stated you are the one that got away? I have told him I don't feel that way, and I have ignored since then. I have never outright asked him to stop contact, because I don't know if I owe him some kind of explanation to go along with that request; i.e. however you may have romantacized me in your head, we aren't friends and never really were since you treated me like crap and now I think it's creepy that you won't stop contacting me!

He's not a bad guy, just one with some emotional immaturity issues, so I don't want to be cruel, but I do want him to stop contacting me.

Keep ingnoring or contact and state no more contact?

Tell him, no more contact!

Thanks, kenny! This is my gut reaction, as well; I just don't want to be mean about it, which is going to mean curbing my natural tendancy to be rather, um, harsh

Sorry but I added to my post above.

Mean?
He's the one being "mean".

Clarity about niceness and meanness vs. self respect are often not taught.
We have to grow up and find out what mommy and daddy taught us does not work if you don't want to live as a doormat to messed up people.

 

[princesss]

Yeah, I definitely think I am for a friend of mine. If not the one that got away, the one he romanticizes into being the one for him. It makes me sad, but I think once he meets the right woman it'll pass.

 

[aviastar]

Ok, this thread is eerily relevant to me right now! I need some PS advice!

What is the kindest way to respond to contact from an ex who has baldly stated you are the one that got away? I have told him I don't feel that way, and I have ignored since then. I have never outright asked him to stop contact, because I don't know if I owe him some kind of explanation to go along with that request; i.e. however you may have romantacized me in your head, we aren't friends and never really were since you treated me like crap and now I think it's creepy that you won't stop contacting me!

He's not a bad guy, just one with some emotional immaturity issues, so I don't want to be cruel, but I do want him to stop contacting me.

Keep ingnoring or contact and state no more contact?

Tell him, no more contact!

Thanks, kenny! This is my gut reaction, as well; I just don't want to be mean about it, which is going to mean curbing my natural tendancy to be rather, um, harsh

Sorry but I added to my post above.

Mean?
He's the one being "mean".

Clarity about niceness and meanness vs. self respect are often not taught.
We have to grow up and find out what mommy and daddy taught us does not work if you don't want to live as a doormat to messed up people.

I agree with you, but I also don't think it's necessary to tear people down to preserve your own self respect. That's what I am trying to avoid. I could say some very, very harsh things to this boy- he was NOT a good parter, a good friend to me, but I learned a lot about myself, what I wanted, and what I needed; I survived, grew up, made better choices. Alls well that ends well on my side of things; happily married now to the love of my life. But it makes me very sad that he has developed this idea of me that probably never exsisted (Haven you are so, so right about this!) and he can't move on from it and be happy. We would never have made each other happy in real life, but I did care for him and he is not a terrible person.

So, not so much about my own self-respect (which is very much intact), but about making a compassionate decision to not hurt someone if it's not necessary. If hurting his feelings becomes a byproduct of a necessary conversation, so be it, but I tried to ignore first because it felt kinder. But I do think you are right, after a year of ignoring the hint has not been taken and it is time to speak up.

 

[StacylikesSparkles]

Ok, this thread is eerily relevant to me right now! I need some PS advice!

What is the kindest way to respond to contact from an ex who has baldly stated you are the one that got away? I have told him I don't feel that way, and I have ignored since then. I have never outright asked him to stop contact, because I don't know if I owe him some kind of explanation to go along with that request; i.e. however you may have romantacized me in your head, we aren't friends and never really were since you treated me like crap and now I think it's creepy that you won't stop contacting me!

He's not a bad guy, just one with some emotional immaturity issues, so I don't want to be cruel, but I do want him to stop contacting me.

Keep ingnoring or contact and state no more contact?

Tell him, no more contact!

Thanks, kenny! This is my gut reaction, as well; I just don't want to be mean about it, which is going to mean curbing my natural tendancy to be rather, um, harsh

Sorry but I added to my post above.

Mean?
He's the one being "mean".

Clarity about niceness and meanness vs. self respect are often not taught.
We have to grow up and find out what mommy and daddy taught us does not work if you don't want to live as a doormat to messed up people.

I agree with you, but I also don't think it's necessary to tear people down to preserve your own self respect. That's what I am trying to avoid. I could say some very, very harsh things to this boy- he was NOT a good parter, a good friend to me, but I learned a lot about myself, what I wanted, and what I needed; I survived, grew up, made better choices. Alls well that ends well on my side of things; happily married now to the love of my life. But it makes me very sad that he has developed this idea of me that probably never exsisted (Haven you are so, so right about this!) and he can't move on from it and be happy. We would never have made each other happy in real life, but I did care for him and he is not a terrible person.

So, not so much about my own self-respect (which is very much intact), but about making a compassionate decision to not hurt someone if it's not necessary. If hurting his feelings becomes a byproduct of a necessary conversation, so be it, but I tried to ignore first because it felt kinder. But I do think you are right, after a year of ignoring the hint has not been taken and it is time to speak up.

I think what Kenny said (correct me if I'm wrong) was that you don't need to say anything to him at all, just to stop contacting you. No need to tear any one down or any of that, but a simple 'don't contact me, we're done' and then it's over. I think Kenny is totally right about him probably trying to argue it away anyway. Be firm, not mean and not only will you get the point across, but you won't have to feel badly about yourself.

 

[Haven]

Aviastar--I just went the route of prolonged and persistent ignoring. It depends on how you think this guy would react to you telling him you'd like to end contact, but way way way back when I told my ex that I wanted no more contact and he tried to argue with me about it. Hence, the consistent ignoring. Telling him I don't want any more contact won't be effective, so I've just cut him out of my life and when he does try to reach me I delete the voicemails or emails immediately.

If you want to say something, you can be nice about telling him you're not comfortable with having contact with him. I don't think you owe him an explanation, and if he asks for one, that's when I'd stop responding altogether.

Good luck!

 

[Rhea]

No, I don't. I do occasionally think about old boyfriends and think that certain parts of my life may be easier with them for whatever reason. I'm sure the same could be said about me. But that not being someone's the one that got away. I'm glad all they got away, or that I sent them away, and I'm sure all would say the same of me.

 

[iLander]

Isn't most everyone?

Every relationship ends with someone missing someone else. It's the nature of break-ups.

But, I guess I was once. A guy I went out with called me a few months after I got married. He said he had seen the engagement notice in the paper, but not the wedding announcement. I said I was happily married and hung up. End of story.

That was in the old days, before you could check someone's Facebook status.

I think all this Facebook and stuff just breeds stalking and clinging. You can do what my DD calls "creeping on" an ex's page and find out what they're up to.

It's not healthy.

 

[LJL]

Yes, I think so. One guy in particular who I broke up with 4-5yrs ago. He still texts my family, writes on their FB walls, etc - which they do not like and ignore for the most part. He does this for birthdays, holidays, out of the blue. Also, one of my best friends got married earlier this year - I was a bridesmaid. He found out via facebook about a month before her wedding date and began texting/messaging her about why he wasnt invited (newsflash, bc u havent spoken/seen each other in 3-4 years?) and if I had been the one to say he couldnt come. When she said she thought it would be weird, he then offered to have his new girlfriend come and DO HER MAKEUP FOR THE WEDDING. Like, he wanted to be integrally involved. For reference, he lives probably 600-800 miles away from where this wedding is happening, no one knows his new gf - shes much younger than him and hes living with her in another state... It was just the weirdest thing and he kept pushing the issue. Of course she told me when we saw each other again and had a good laugh

Its honestly quite confusing. I dont think that its necessarily something RIGHT with us, just something WRONG with them. He was just always so easily influenced by me - and at 17, that was cool. As I got older... not so much. I think he is still looking to find someone who can help him get his life together like I did, to tell him what to do so he doesn't make mistakes. Oops - Im gone!

 

[radiantquest]

I think it has to do with closure for normal people.

I used to dream about an ex all the time even though he never came into my thoughts in waking hours. 75% of my relationships ended because life changed things, not because either one of us no longer wanted to be together. I think that when the closure isn't there sometimes the heart or brain or whatnot is remembering the person with "rose colored glasses".

I used to believe I had a one that got away. Not any more. He is an a$$

 

[pandabee]

Of course, I harbored fantasies during a couple of breakups that my exes were losers and I was way too good for them and they'd come back later saying that now they realized how bad they treated me and they hadn't realized how good they had it. But of course, those conversations never happened and by the time I was on my own and in another relationship, I didn't want to have that conversation. I had moved on.

This exactly!! I'd say this was my biggest coping mechanism, so to speak. I always thought that one day I would confront one guy in particular...we never officially dated, but things ended on a pretty bad note and for some reason or another I was really stuck on him for a long time even though he didn't treat me well. Now that I've happily been with DBF for 2 years, I no longer have any shred of anger towards him as the past is past and I have no reason to look back and wonder "what if?" I've talked to him quite a bit over the past month as we've been working together and while we both agree there is nothing there between us, part of me wishes a little bit that he thinks of me as "the one that got away" and won't admit it although I think that is thinking rather highly of myself

 

[tammy77]

Yes, my ex husband. At this point I think it's better but for the first year + after our divorce it was very clear that he regretted how big of an ass he was and he knew he'd screwed up his life. He's been with his gf for almost 2.5 yrs and still hasn't introduced her to his parents, so I have my doubts about his commitment to the relationship with her. That said, he knows that we'll never ever EVER get back together. I'm happily remarried and he's still the same guy I divorced for many good reasons.

 

[CaprineSun]

Yep!! Sure am! BIG TIME. I good was waaaay too good for him. He messed up a good thing since he could have kept me while I was in my fog of delusion, naivete, and insanity.

Good for me he didn't! Once he showed his true colors, I woke up, gained clarity, found my real true love and never looked back!

 

[ponder]

Definitely. At one point, the random dropping by to say hi became so bad that DH started answering the door in his underwear.

 

[tammy77]

Definitely. At one point, the random dropping by to say hi became so bad that DH started answering the door in his underwear.

LOL!!! That's fantastic! Bwhahaha