Taking a step back in your career before having kids...

[NewEnglandLady]

Hi, all. I need some of that irreplaceable PS insight.

For the record, I feel like most people tend to think of a woman as being either career-driven or family-driven. Not wanting to give up her career to have a family or really excited to be a SAHM. I don't fall into either category. I don't live for my career, nor do I feel like my crowning achievement in life is to have kids. For this reason, I feel very torn. I genuinely like working, but I'm also very open to being a SAHM and have been thinking about finding a job that would make it easy for me to have more balance in my life post-kids.

I have worked very hard to get where I am. In my early twenties I would have considered myself very career driven. I'm 29 now and while I do love to learn and be challenged, I don't love coming home from work so mentally exhausted that it takes all the energy I have to make dinner. I currently work for an advertising agency, which notoriously demands a lot of hard work and long hours. The culture here is to work hard, play hard. We have a beer tap on site. We have ping pong tournaments. We all wear flip flops and tank tops to work every day. But most people work 70+ hour weeks. And 90% of my colleagues are single and live in the city and live to work.

Basically, it's the kind of environment that would make it very hard for me to balance being a mom and working.

I interviewed for a position this morning that was very different. Small, local company. I'd still be a marketing analyst, but I'd be on the client side in a very traditional, conservative industry. It's slow-moving. The company is a decade behind the times. It's very, very different from the culture here. I worry about being bored, but I also think that working part-time at this company after having kids would be a real possibility. The full-time salary would be very similar to what I currently make--they would have to stretch the budget to meet my minimum, so I know there wouldn't be much of an increase at all.

This is where I'm stuck. I don't know what to do. D and I want to start TTC in 6 months to a year, so if I'm going to make a move I would like to do it soon. But taking a step back in my career goes against the grain for me (even as a non career-focused woman). Also, I'm trying to think about all of my possibilities. I may want to be a SAHM for a couple of years and if that's the case, I'd prefer to have my current company on my resume as my last employer since it's well-respected in the area. I'm also on the verge of a promotion here, which would be good for my resume.

So I'm stuck. Do I take a step back, risk being bored in the short-term in order to achieve long-term balance in my life after having kids (if I decide to continue working?) or do I stay in my current, challenging position and either keep looking for a better fit (something in between being bored and being exhausted) or stay indefinitely. I know that nobody can really tell me what is best, but I'd love to hear from other women who decided to take a step back and regretted it/liked it after kids or stayed in a demanding career and regretted it/liked it after kids?

Sorry for the novel!

 

[decodelighted]

Interesting. I don't have any experience w/this but my first instinct is: decide about *this* job. Wouldn't talk yourself into a job you don't really want for some future *possible* xyz. You can't predict what's going to happen in a vacuum. The economy could get better or worse. You could conceive quickly or not at all. You could adore being a stay at home mom, or yearn for the old fast-paced office times.

It would be nice if life let us plan every little move ahead of time in a safe, secure, fully controlled manner. But it doesn't really, right? Too many unknowns. Doesn't seem like you want that new gig. My .02.


ETA: There is another option in the long-run. Being a freelance consultant of some sort. Where you control your hours & have more flexibility. (And a fair bit of stress/hustle etc). A close relative became a law partner after 2 kids ... & then left to form her own firm. Another is trying to go back to work part-time (for financial & emotional reasons) & is finding it difficult to get part-time gigs in her field. She may go back full-time & is having mixed feelings about it. You just never know what's gonna happen & how you're going to feel & what opportunities will exist. Good luck deciding!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Deco, all very valid points. I've been accused of being an over-planner . My husband said something along the same lines--that I should focus on finding a job that is a good fit for me and let everything fall into place from there. There are a lot of unknowns right now--most you pointed out (see, you have to love that PS insight!). I don't want to put the cart before the horse.

Also, you make a great point about freelance work. One of my previous co-workers does this and loves it. It's a possibility, but I would have to work on building my own brand, so to speak. In some ways it's similar to owning your own business because I would need to build a client base.

You're also right about my instinct. On paper the job seemed like a good option: I could move to the client side and work for small, local company and use my experience to bring the company into this decade. But I left feeling like I would just be bored and pushing against executives who prefer a more traditional way of doing things...not exactly a company that embraces technology. I guess I can't have my cake and eat it, too.

 

[fieryred33143]

Would your husband carry the health insurance for the family?

Also, do you know for sure that working part-time is something that is not allowed with your company?

It's hard to really know what your preferences will be until the baby arrives. I've always been career-driven and an over-achiever at work. I once got into a debate with one of my former roommates because at the time we were both pre-law and she made a comment that as soon as she started a family, she would quit and stay home. I couldn't believe that someone would actually choose to do that. What else is there to life other than working, making good money, and having a sense of self? And my attitude about it was that if I had to give up my career and stay home, then I rather not have children and instead just enjoy my life as it was.

Then I had Sophia and I would give anything to stay home. I have zero motivation to be at work. I don't want a promotion if that means that I have to work more hours or travel more. I would gladly take a cut in pay if I knew she would still have great health insurance (which she needs for her condition) and we would be able to afford all of the bills. And I know I would be a lot happier as a SAHM but it's just not in the cards for me right now.

Anyway, all that to say that if I were in your position I would continue with my current job and talk to them about the possibility of going part-time as a "just in case I want to" conversation. Then when you start TTC, you can decide where to go from there.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Fiery, my husband would be able to me and future kids to his insurance plan. I've reviewed his benefits and while they are not spectacular, I still think they are good. My employer's insurance options are superior (covers things like infertility treatment, etc.), but his plan would be perfectly fine.

Working part-time may be logistically possible here, but the culture is very demanding and I think that would be difficult to manage. Still, it's not out of the question. And working from home is a consideration as well. So working from home part-time might be a possibility, but I think it would be hard to swing. If I did stay here, I think the more reasonable long-term solution would be for me to work here until I had the baby, then be a SAHM for 1 - 2 years, then either come back here or find another job at that point.

And you're right--I may really want to be a SAHM after having a baby or I may really miss my career. Financially we have planned for me to be a SAHM, but I also know that we could achieve some financial goals faster if I continue to work. And I'm not sure what is best for the family in that regard--navigating through that can be challenging, too, haha.

 

[Upgradable]

post2169137.html#p2169137

This thread is from about a year ago, but there were a lot of really good comments. I found myself in a very similar mindset when I was just about the same age you are now. I know I made the right choice for myself and my family. Good luck!

 

[princesss]

Deco took the words right out of my mouth.

What it boils down to for me is this: If you like what you're doing now, keep doing it until you don't like it/want something else more. It could take YEARS to actually have kids, and being bored in a job you don't love that you took because you planned something that then fell through would be miserable. Enjoy it now and re-evaluate your options later.

 

[KimberlyH]

I earned my MEd a few years ago and had my foot in the door in one of the top three districts in my state. I didn't love the district, but there were certain schools I would have been thrilled to work at permanently. Now that I have my daughter going back simply doesn't feel like an option. I do p/t consulting work in a field that is loosely related to education and the job could turn into something lucrative in the future but it's enough for me right now to maintain one or two clients and get to be home. I have no clue what the damage might be to my career with my former distruct, but frankly I don't care as there are lots of districts in my area and when the time comes I'm sure something will work out.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Thanks, ladies! I do think I'll take a step back at some point, just not sure when the best time to do it might be. I don't want to be TTCing and looking for a new job at the same time, so I'll continue to apply to positions that seem like a good fit, but if I don't have it all worked out for several more months, that's okay, too.

Uppy, thanks for the thread! I actually replied to that thread stating that I was planning to open my own doggy daycare business even though it meant taking a pay cut. DH and I have talked about it more and decided that me working part-time would be better than working full-time and opening a new business, so I'm obviously still figuring it out. It's nice to read everybody's replies, though, because everybody finds a solution that works for them and their family. It's a good reminder that no matter what, I'll be fine. Despite over-planning, even

 

[Upgradable]

When I found out I was pregnant with my first I was lab supervisor at a 65 doctor clinic. I supervised all staff and coordinated all day to day testing. I knew that I didn't want to be working with all of that stress and having a young child. So, I approached the local community college and signed on to teach their medical laboratory classes. I taught 2 and 1/2 days a week (6 hrs was a "day"). It was a way to expand my resume while reducing my time away from home. I still was able to control my own work environment too, one of my big concerns going down to part-time. I ended up teaching for fifteen years! Be open to options.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I love my job and was told it is incompatible with having kids before age 35 (tenure track professor) and have a kid so I know it all and you should listen to me!

I am firmly firmly of the mind that you should NOT make any decisions until you have all the information. And a big part of that information is having a kid and adjusting to motherhood. You may think now you want to be a SAHM, and then you may not want to be. You may think now you want to maintain a career and work part time, and you may not want to do that either. You may think that having kids is not compatible with your current job, and you may be (and probably are) dead wrong about that. The fact is you do not know. And a year is a long way off. I do NOT think you should make changes to your career path this far in advance of having kids. If you want to take this other job because you think it is a good opportunity, then do that, but otherwise I say wait and see what the future holds.

I do think that you can have the job you want and the kids you want as long as you adjust your expectations for yourself in both career and family domains. Balance is key in life, and so often I think imbalance occurrs when women try to live up to some implicit standard in their work and their family instead of figuring out what works *for them*. If you keep an open mind, you can make anything work out. You just shouldn't panic too soon

 

[Anastasia]

NEL,

My advice to you , from someone who has been there, done that, would be to live for today. If you still enjoy your current position, in spite of the stress, stay with it for the time being. If you are ready to move on, move on.

You sound exactly like me at your age. I got married at 29, and we started trying to get pregnant right away. I also enjoyed my career, but I never ruled out the possibility of being a stay at home mom. I am the world's greatest overanalyzer. It ended up taking me over a year to get pregnant the first time, and I had my first child at 31. I am glad that I didn't make career choices at 29, based on something that didn't happen for two more years.

I did change positions when my oldest was a year and a half. I had concerns about taking this position, (which was a huge promotion), considering that I wasn't sure how much longer I would be working. We wanted to have more children, and we were moving so that my commute was pretty long. My husband pointed out to me that even if I didn't keep the position for a long time, that the promotion would help me to continue moving up in my career, and if I took a break, at least when I opted to go back, I had a better resume.

I ended up staying in that position for three years, until I had my third child. At that point I became a SAHM. I was very glad to get off of the treadmill at that point. I have been home for 11 years, and interestingly, started my own business 5 years ago, in an entirely different field.

The moral of the (long!) story is, it is impossible to predict the future. I would encourage you to do what is best for you today. It sounds to me, even if part time was an option at your current position, it wouldn't be ideal.

Good luck with your decision. I can completely relate to your thought process!

(P.S. - I see you have gotten similar advice - I started this earlier and came back to it.)

 

[Mara]

I don't know that I'd take a step back or change anything before even TTC. It could take a month or it could take a year. It's hard to know what the future will bring.

I'd assess your current job when you are pregnant and try to think objectively about what it might be later.

Before I left my job for mat leave, I didn't really know what I'd come back to (or even if I'd come back). When I was away we had a huge reorg. It was still going on when I returned and my job had not changed, BUT I'd lost 1.5 of my headcount and had a new Director above me, AND a new VP above him. Now I've been back for almost 2mo and the stress is ridiculous. I can't maintain the same level of 'caring' as before, when I might have thrived on the challenges I'm presented with. Now I really just want to do my job and go home and be with my baby, but instead I'm being tasked to do more, more, more.

I want to ask to go PT but I know if it even got approved, I'd have to take a step back, can't manage a team while you are PT here...much less be responsible for driving lots of revenue. I'd prob have to take a piece of my job from before. That's even if it's approved.

From a career perspective and a ME perspective, that is REALLY hard mentally. I have worked so hard to get where I am now...it's in me to keep wanting to move fwd, not back.

But as a Mom...my baby will only be this age once. I am missing out on a lot of things if I let that mental drive in me take over. And as my husband says, my career will be there in a year or two if I decide to pick up where I left off.

My ituation is almost impossible at this point to continue the way I am. And I refuse to be a half ass Mom and a half ass employee at the same time. I would rather 'fail' at one and succeed at the other--and obviously I want to succeed at being the best Mom possible, and back-burner the job/career climbing for now.

Anyway long tale but the bottom line is...before I got preggo I could never have foreseen this situation 1.5 years down the road. When I was preggo, I couldn't have foreseen this. When I was out on mat leave...I might have had an inkling... but it was just that, an inkling. It's only because I am here right now living it that I am seeing it, and having to figure out how to deal with it.

So take your life one step at a time because there's no way to know what 1-2-3 years down the road is going to be like for you, your family, your career, your life.

ETA like Anastasia...I have been working on this post forever HAHA. You have already had similar advice.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Thank you all so much, this is very helpful advice. Logically, I agree that I'll never know how I'm going to feel about working/not working until I have a child or am at least pregnant. I do still want to look for long-term opportunities that would reduce my stress level and offer more work/life balance, with a child or without. Again, all of this real-life perspective is very valuable to me.

Mara, your position sounds very similar to how mine would likely be post-promotion. I'm wondering what you're leaning towards doing? It seems like the situation is going to be coming to a head very soon for you.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Thank you all so much, this is very helpful advice. Logically, I agree that I'll never know how I'm going to feel about working/not working until I have a child or am at least pregnant. I do still want to look for long-term opportunities that would reduce my stress level and offer more work/life balance, with a child or without. Again, all of this real-life perspective is very valuable to me.

Well then there is an important answer for you and your dilemma. No matter what you want to rethink your priorities, so assess them and rethink them based on what you know *now* and then see how it pans out as the years go by.

 

[janinegirly]

My advice (and I haven't read any of the other responses so apologies if it's repetitive) is to not change any of your career path or basic life path based on future TTC plans. This is just my opinion--I think you should go about as normal and if you get pregnant, have a child,etc., great, then you can adjust! Now of course this is within reason...I of course would not recommend changing careers and switching to something that would make life extremely difficult as a mother. Still I personally wouldn't go into a field/company that is a step down and might make you unhappy, solely because you're trying to find balance before you've yet experienced what kind of balance you will actually want once a mother (things could change).

It is best to stay where you are,..plus you are happy,...and it actually is a big benefit to be with an employer who you have history with and will be more open and flexible with your requests for balance once the time comes,etc. Good luck though--either way it's exciting!

 

[vespergirl]

It sounds like your current company is quite progressive, so maybe they would be open to part-time, work at home, or even job sharing. I would explore that option and give it a try. After all, if you don't like it once you're doing it, you can always quit. It doesn''t sound like you would be happy if you moved to the other company.

I wish that I could have worked part time, but my company would only let me leave at noon on Fridays, and I didn't want to work mroe than 25 hours per week. So, I became a SAHM, as opposed to staying on full-time, because DH is away 14 hours every day Mon - Fri, so I do all the childcare during the week on my own as it is - I didn't want to have to work in an office AND still have all the childcare. DH makes almost 4 times what I used to make, and cutting back hours isn't an option for him, so I had to become a SAHM if I didn't want to go crazy with working full-time & doing almost all of the childcare.

 

[Clairitek]

I'm not quite in your position, as I am just starting out my career at the age of 28, but I can relate to your dilemma. I've been in school for 10 years to get to where I am now. I have a position that I think I will love in a great company to start in October. I know I won't want to wait more than a few more years to start having kids so I'm trying to determine now what sort of path I think I'll want to take. Part of me thinks that I would be disappointing myself or others if I go to school all this time to become a SAHM in just a handful of years and the other part of me thinks that I would LOVE to be a SAHM. I am going to just sit back for now and make choices as they come along based on my/our priorities are for the near future and then make changes as needed when its time for kids.

If I were in your shoes, I would sit tight now and then when you find our you're pregnant, reevaluate how you feel and start looking for something new if you think its necessary. It doesn't seem like the current climate at your job will change between now and then, but your feelings on taking a step back in your career might.

Good luck and enjoy your GORGEOUS new house! I can't wait to see what you do with it. I swear, I daydream about that place! (probably helps that I'm a displaced New Englander, desperately missing NE architecture)

 

[gailrmv]

In my last career move before TTC, I took a job that in title and salary was a promotion, but in work duties was a step down. I knew this going in and I took it anyway because I had gotten burned out and was excited to have better work/life balance. After a few months I regretted the decision. I was bored out of my mind! On the other hand, it was great to have work/life balance, but I don't think I would make that decision again if I had it to do over. The company you interviewed with sounds like it might be a similar situation for you. If you were already pregnant, it would be a totally different situation, because then your concerns about being a working mom would have an actual timeline attached.

Also, to Dreamer's point that you can excel at your career and at parenthood as long as you have reasonable expectations of both. I would agree but I would put in some caveats. I think you need support, both in the workplace and at home, to be successful. I think I would have had that at work but honestly, not at home. I have no family that lives nearby to help with childcare, either on a regular basis or in a pinch. My DH has the best of intentions but has an extremely demanding, completely inflexible job. I would have been more or less on my own juggling my roles. I don't know if I would have been successful. I think Mara's situation is a lot more typical honestly - where you are feeling the pinch at work and at home both. I remember saying many times that I didn't think I could give my best to work and be the kind of mom I wanted to be at the same time. I also think that to excel at both, you have to be good at compartmentalizing and being truly in the moment - in other words, focusing on work when you are there and home when you are there, and not letting worries about either carry over. I am notoriously bad at this.

I will also say that it hasn't even been a year that I've been a SAHM (I went back for a while - DS is 16 months) and already I feel rusty in every respect. I am not sure how easy it is to get back in the workforce even after a small absence.

My point is that being a career woman and mom of a small child is a delicate balancing act, any way you slice it.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Again, thank you all! I thought about it all day yesterday and spoke with D about it last night. He told me he worried about me being bored at work because I'd put all of my energy into the house and create an even longer Honey Do list, haha. Kidding, he's really supportive of anything I want to do. Then again, I come up with hairbrained ideas all the time so I think he's used to just saying "Sure, hon, go for it".

I recently rotated onto a new account at work so I'm going to use this as an opportunity to start scaling back my stress/hours. The account I'm on now seems like it may be a bit less hectic than my previous accounts, so I'm going start working from home maybe once a week, try not to worry about my billable hours so much, etc. If a great opportunity arises elsewhere then I'll pursue it, but for now I'm content where I am.

If I get an offer from the other company I've decided I'm going to turn it down. You ladies are exactly right--I would be changing my life for the unforseen. Who knows how long it could take us to conceive. And who knows what I'm going to want to do (work or stay home) when the time comes to make that decision. Thanks again, ladies!

 

[Mara]

NEL, I actually started WFH on Fridays after I returned to work post baby. I just told my new Director this is what I did and he'd have to let me know if there was an issue. It helps so far because I have the full extra day with J and Fridays are VERY slow at work so I can work here and there and then also catch up on the wkd or at night after J goes to bed. The WFH day is making the FT thing bearable for now.

I did talk to my Director today and of course he was concerned as it is just me right now on the program but we are fighting for more headcount, and obviously that won't work if I want to be PT. So I don't know how it will pan out... but I am glad and feel better for putting it out there at least. He still wants me FT but at least he knows what I am thinking AND I am hoping it will at the very least get me help. Basically I said I am too stressed out, not having enough time with my baby who is only this age once, and it needs to change or I will need to change my focus, go PT, and not be responsible for such a large channel anymore. We'll see what happens I guess.

 

[curlygirl]

I love my job and was told it is incompatible with having kids before age 35 (tenure track professor) and have a kid so I know it all and you should listen to me!

I am firmly firmly of the mind that you should NOT make any decisions until you have all the information. And a big part of that information is having a kid and adjusting to motherhood. You may think now you want to be a SAHM, and then you may not want to be. You may think now you want to maintain a career and work part time, and you may not want to do that either. You may think that having kids is not compatible with your current job, and you may be (and probably are) dead wrong about that. The fact is you do not know. And a year is a long way off. I do NOT think you should make changes to your career path this far in advance of having kids. If you want to take this other job because you think it is a good opportunity, then do that, but otherwise I say wait and see what the future holds.

I do think that you can have the job you want and the kids you want as long as you adjust your expectations for yourself in both career and family domains. Balance is key in life, and so often I think imbalance occurrs when women try to live up to some implicit standard in their work and their family instead of figuring out what works *for them*. If you keep an open mind, you can make anything work out. You just shouldn't panic too soon

Dreamer's post pretty much says everything that I wanted to say but she said it so much better than I would have!

I work full time and have 2 small children. I've consistently worked in the same industry since I graduated college 18 years ago so one could say that I've built a pretty good career for myself and I take it very seriously. When I was pregnant with my first, I went into full panic mode when my 12 week maternity leave was coming to an end. I had all the horrible thoughts about leaving my child at daycare for other people to raise, being a horrible mother, focusing too much on work, etc. But I quickly came to realize that I actually enjoyed being back at work and carried zero guilt about it. When I had my 2nd one a mere 17 months after the first, it was a no brainer that I would definitely be going back to work and I was totally ok with it. And shortly after returning to work, I was promoted to Senior Vice President. Do I work hard? Hell yes. Do I raise my children? Absolutely. While the work/life balance can shift from time to time, I have to say that for the most part I am doing ok with juggling everything.

So just like most people have mentioned, I think the best thing for you to do right now is stay put and don't make any drastic changes. You honestly don't know what will happen. And in support of you and your career, I'm here to testify that you can do it all and do it well if you really want to!