Advice about post miscarriage and wanting a baby

[paris29]

I have always wanted to be a mom since I can remember. About a year ago I had a miscarriage, it took me a long time to deal emotionally with what happened. However, ever since then I really realized exactly how much I want to be a mom. It kind of had the opposite effect for FF, we were both 20 at the time. And coming to terms with the fact that he was going to be a dad at such a young age freaked him out. He now wants to have kids about 27-30. On the other hand I would like to start having kids 24-25. We are financially stable so that is not an issue. We are getting engaged in about a month and married in a 1-2 years. I guess I''m asking for advice on how to deal with wanting to be a mom sooner rather than later. One of my good friends had a few miscarriages but she was able to start trying again soon after and now her and her husband have a cute little 2 yr old girl. I wish my FF and I could start trying again, but we can''t and its so frustrating. I don''t know what to do. Can someone please help.

 

[noelwr]

I have had a m/c, but not in a similar situation as you. we tried again asap and here I am pregnant. most women who experience a m/c go on to have a successful pregnancy.

I can understand that you''re itching to try again because you''re worried about having recurring m/c and want to know sooner than later that you can have a successful pregnancy. or, probably more so, you just have momma fever and are ready to have a little one. however, it takes two to make this decision, and if your husband isn''t ready, then he just not ready and being very honest with you. at least you know he does see them as part of your future because he said he wants them between 27-30 years of age. that is a great, healthy age to have kids! I don''t exactly know what you''re feeling, but maybe you can think of it in context that you want to have kids who are wanted by their father and when he is committed to them. so perhaps think about it from your future baby''s point of view?

 

[Circe]

Hi, Paris. First off, I''m so very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you guys are agreed that you don''t want to have kids immediately: it''s just that you only want to wait for 3 years or so, and he''s thinking 5, yes? My advice would be to sublimate the emotions if you can, and see what happens over the course of those next three years ... if there''s one thing I''ve come to realize it''s that "planning" a family is more a loose guideline than anything else. Over the course of the next three years, lots of things can happen: you might come to adore your career and want to delay even more, he might fall madly in love with the kid of a friend, family member, or neighbor and want to start trying sooner ... you never know.

One thing I *would* recommend, really strongly: I had a miscarriage last year, too, about halfway through the pregnancy, and it just shattered me. For the first few months I kept insisting I was dealing with it, when I somewhat obviously wasn''t. My husband pushed me really strongly to see a therapist, and I genuinely believe it helped to be able to talk through it with a third party who wasn''t affected by the loss. No matter how supportive my husband, friends (heck, PS''rs!) were, I always worried that I was somehow "imposing," or that I needed to hold back. It was good to be able to "confess" all my fears and worries.

 

[Lilac]

Date: 6/18/2010 7:10:00 AM
Author: Circe
Hi, Paris. First off, I''m so very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you guys are agreed that you don''t want to have kids immediately: it''s just that you only want to wait for 3 years or so, and he''s thinking 5, yes? My advice would be to sublimate the emotions if you can, and see what happens over the course of those next three years ... if there''s one thing I''ve come to realize it''s that ''planning'' a family is more a loose guideline than anything else. Over the course of the next three years, lots of things can happen: you might come to adore your career and want to delay even more, he might fall madly in love with the kid of a friend, family member, or neighbor and want to start trying sooner ... you never know.

One thing I *would* recommend, really strongly: I had a miscarriage last year, too, about halfway through the pregnancy, and it just shattered me. For the first few months I kept insisting I was dealing with it, when I somewhat obviously wasn''t. My husband pushed me really strongly to see a therapist, and I genuinely believe it helped to be able to talk through it with a third party who wasn''t affected by the loss. No matter how supportive my husband, friends (heck, PS''rs!) were, I always worried that I was somehow ''imposing,'' or that I needed to hold back. It was good to be able to ''confess'' all my fears and worries.

I agree with Circe about the part bolded above. I''m almost 22 now, and I used to think I didn''t want to even start trying to have a baby until I was at least 25 and DH was around 26 and I had finished grad school. I felt this way for several years - the entire time we were dating (4 and a half years) and almost the whole first year of our marriage. DH and I were in complete agreement that this was our timeline and we were very adamant that we wouldn''t want kids any sooner.

Then suddenly I realized a couple months ago that I had changed my mind - I really *really* don''t want to wait that long anymore. It makes me sad to think that we might not have a baby for another 4 years - I don''t necessarily want to start trying right now, but I would want to in about a year or so. I shared my feelings with my husband, and he was open to what I was saying but he said he still was scared at the idea of having a baby so "soon" (relative to our original plan). I figured it''s not worth really even discussing at length right now because either way it wouldn''t be an option for us for at least another year and so much can happen in a year to change plans. Meanwhile, a couple weeks ago a few of DH''s friends started having babies and now he says *he* is starting to feel like he might be changing his mind too and might want a baby sooner than we thought.

So much can change in a matter of years or even months. My suggestion is not to pressure him into anything and see if he comes around on his own. Sometimes friends have cute babies and they do all the work changing peoples'' minds.

 

[Puppmom]

Paris, I''m so sorry for your loss. I agree with the others. If you and your future husband have agreed that you will have kids and, right now, just have a gap of a couple of years in your timeline, I wouldn''t sweat it now. I know it''s hard because you probably want him to commit to a timeline but enjoy the next few years of your life then make a decision. Who knows what will happen. Have you considered just talking to him about revisiting the subject after you''re married? I can''t imagine he wouldn''t be open to that.

 

[movie zombie]

many years ago i too had a miscarriage after being married some years. it was definitely hard to deal with and i found that the hormones in my body didn''t help the situation. the urge to become pregnant again, right away, i think is universal. the best advice i can give you is to feel your emotions but don''t be held hostage by them. be honest with your partner but respect his wishes. if you can, look at those few years that were originally agreed upon as your gift to him and thus to yourself and your eventual marriage. your hormones will eventually even out which will be helpful. however, i cannot say that you will stop morning this loss any time soon.

so sorry you''re going through this.

mz

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am sorry for your m/c.

Personally I find a few things troubling. First, and most important, is your FF is NOT ready to have a child. You need to respect that b/c having a child is a full time, demanding, endless, selfless job. I firmly believe both partners should be on the same page regarding any major life decisions.

Secondly, you need to to remember how young you are. I never really understood the whole "hurry up" notion in regards to life. I am not saying a 20 year old is not capable of being a great mother but do you fully understand the impact having a child will have? Everything is more complicated, school, vacations, work, life. Don''t get me wrong I adore being a mom but I just think people tend to rush into things.

I think counseling could help you mourn your loss and accept the need to wait to have a child.

 

[lizzyann]

Hi Paris29, I am sorry for your loss and what you are going thru.

i married my husband when I was 24. We waited 5 years before we started trying to get pregnant. We wanted to travel and be together as just husband and wife for awhile. We didn''t have a timeline of when we wanted to have kids when we got married. All we knew is that we both wanted children at some point. When we knew, we knew...and we started trying. I had two miscarriages. The first one I didn''t even know I was pregnant because I m/c''d so early. The second one, I got the positive home test, confirmed with the Dr., and planned a special mothers day dinner to tell both of our families. Mothers Day morning I miscarried. It was terrible to say the least. We had to wait a month before trying again but the first month we tried again, we got pregnant with my son and everything went smoothly after that. I had a month to mourn, but I can honestly say that for me, being pregnant again was the best medicine. So I can understand your NEED to get pregnant again. However, I agree with Tacori, to take some time and reevaluate if you are truly ready to try again or if this feeling of yours is just to take the sting away from the loss you have experienced. Don''t rush things. You want your soon to be husband to be committed to the decision 100%. There is nothing like seeing your husband turn into a daddy. It is so sweet.

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 6/18/2010 3:54:12 PM
Author: lizzyann01
Hi Paris29, I am sorry for your loss and what you are going thru.

i married my husband when I was 24. We waited 5 years before we started trying to get pregnant. We wanted to travel and be together as just husband and wife for awhile. We didn''t have a timeline of when we wanted to have kids when we got married. All we knew is that we both wanted children at some point. When we knew, we knew...and we started trying. I had two miscarriages. The first one I didn''t even know I was pregnant because I m/c''d so early. The second one, I got the positive home test, confirmed with the Dr., and planned a special mothers day dinner to tell both of our families. Mothers Day morning I miscarried. It was terrible to say the least. We had to wait a month before trying again but the first month we tried again, we got pregnant with my son and everything went smoothly after that. I had a month to mourn, but I can honestly say that for me, being pregnant again was the best medicine. So I can understand your NEED to get pregnant again. However, I agree with Tacori, to take some time and reevaluate if you are truly ready to try again or if this feeling of yours is just to take the sting away from the loss you have experienced. Don''t rush things. You want your soon to be husband to be committed to the decision 100%. There is nothing like seeing your husband turn into a daddy. It is so sweet.

and please consult your partner to make sure he''s on the same page with you. if he freaked the first time, he may do more than freak the 2nd time. this is not just your decision.

mz

 

[paris29]

Thanks ladies for all the advice and support, it has really helped. I just wanted to clear a few things up. I''m not trying to force FF to have kids right now nor am I trying to rush through life.While I would like to try again soon, I plan on waiting till I am done/near done with school in another 5 years. And definitely 100% waiting until FF is comfortable to have kids. I would never want to force him to have children when he was not ready or comfortable with idea. I know now is not the right time. I''m starting grad school in two months and I know it would be extremely hard to be a full-time grad student and mother (though I know it is possible). I know that our time lines are only a few years apart for when we want to have kids, and that to me is better than him not wanting kids at all. The fact that he even wants to have kids is what is most important. Plans do change so who know maybe we will have kids sooner rather than later of vice versa. I do have some worries about ttc later because of the miscarriage and family history and I feel having kids younger 24-26 might cut down on some risk. It just hard knowing it''ll probably be another 4+ years. Talking to someone like a therapist is a great idea and I thought about it a few times. I might try it out. Thanks again

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I would discuss the risk of decreased fertility with your doctor. Every one I know was convinced they would have trouble conceiving. Most did not, even those that had previous m/c. A m/c is natures abortion. The baby was not healthy, but your body proved you can get pregnant.

As a mother who is in grad school full time I feel it is *nearly* impossible. Going full times means giving up on a lot...The good news is as a student you get free counseling! I would try your university''s counseling center. You seem to be grieving and I think a therapist could really help you through mourning the loss of your baby and maybe your ideal vision of when you should start a family.

 

[paris29]

Tacori-It always good hearing that women who had past miscarriages were able to have healthy pregnancy.

I''m a Psych major and for my grad program it is mandatory to go to a therapist (of your choice) for a certain amount of hours during your first two years. So I''m kinda glad I have the opportunity do it and it''ll make me actually go. I keep trying to convince myself I am ok, but I still do think I am grieving a bit.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

M/cs are actually really common. I can''t remember the statistic but it is very high. Many times the woman doesn''t even know she was pregnant. My mom''s first pregnancy ended with a m/c and she ended up have 3, healthy kids. The best advice would be not to worry. After all, worrying will not change the end result

Feel what you need to feel (in all aspects of the situation) so you can let go. I am getting my master''s in a very similar field and it is (or at least at my school) a very demanding program. School would be easier w/o a toddler and I do sometimes envy the younger students who don''t have many responsibilities. Then again some of my classmates have several children so it could always be trickier! One has a 3 month old and she is burnt out. I feel really horrible for her b/c she is a typical new mom that just wants to be with her baby. Toddlers are easier to drop off at daycare

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Paris, I''m not sure I have advice, but I wanted to say, "I get it."

Then-FI and I got pregnant when I was 22 and in the throes of law school. We were due in Nov and our wedding was December. We decided to terminate. I was okay with it for a while, but have had serious difficulties with it since. Our rationale was, "We''re not in a house yet, we aren''t married yet, and we have LOTS we want to do together!" Well... now we''re married, we own our home, and there''s still lots we want to do together... but I also have an incredible urge to have a family with DH. What''s holding me back is that I have 10 more months of school and then want to work for a few years. At the same time, DH''s salary could comfortably support a family of three. It''s rough stuff.

I try to remind myself of the ways my little family has & will benefit from not having a baby from that first pregnancy. My marriage will be less strained, we have more in savings, and our lives will be less hectic. There are still difficult times, though. We found out shortly after our termination that my SIL was expecting her first- how wonderful it would have been to have two little ones grow up together! But it wasn''t in the cards. Part of my desire to start TTC now is because I feel sad about preg #1, BUT I know deep down that DH & I are much, much, much better off waiting.

Keep the lines of communication open with your DH, and if you still feel remorseful and experience grief, talk to a 3rd party. Being a "young mom" is less and less common and often looked down upon- but I think that some people are really called to parenthood & are able to handle extreme sacrifice and selflessness and lack of freedom at a younger age. If you still feel the desire after a few years pass, discuss it again with your DH.

And in the meantime, an effective way to halt baby-fever (at least for me!) is to spend the day with a moody toddler!

 

[waxing lyrical]

(((hugs)))

In your situation I think it's best to consult your FF to make sure he is truly ready. I had a near term loss and was ready right away. I was thinking about TTC when I was being induced. As soon as I received my postpartum menses we started trying. We conceived our fourth baby, second son, on my third cycle of charting--5 months postpartum.

 

[Cehrabehra]

How you feel is totally natural... wanting to complete the pregnancy cycle is more than just an emotional desire, it''s hormonal. Absolutely normal.

I think that between 20 and 25 or 30 a LOT of growing takes place both individually as well as in your relationship. I would take one thing at a time and not worry about the rest. Enjoy your engagement, enjoy your marriage for a couple years... then consider discussing it. You have no idea where you will be at that point so it''s not helpful to stress out about it now. He will be a different man at 25 than he is now and his answers will be different. He cannot project into the future how he will feel. Nor can you. But you do now how you feel right now and right now you want to fulfill what was started. Totally understandable. If you cannot get past the yearning to relax for a few years and come to a mutual decision with your SO, then I think maybe counseling would be helpful. Good luck!

 

[paris29]

Tacori-I’m making an appointment soon to go talk to a doctor about fertility issues. All the women on my mom’s side have had complications caused by fibroids so I want to make sure that’s not an issue. It’s nice to hear from a mom who is in grad school and has young child.
PilsnPinkysMom- I know that must have been a very hard decision for you and your DH. It is not an easy choice. I think communication is really key to a healthy relationship.
Waxing Lyrical- Thank you for hug, much needed. You give me hope for ttc in the future. FF is not ready now, but I do feel he is changing his mind slowly. He sees kids and realizes he may want to have his own sooner than he thought.
Cehrabehra- Thank you for the advice. I’m sure grad school will take my mind of it for a little bit until FF and I decide it is time.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Paris, I have chronic ovarian cysts and was convinced with would take the standard 6-12 months for me to get pregnant. I got pregnant the first month we tried. So you really never know

Glad you are consulting with a doctor who can either reassure you or validate your concerns.

Grad school + kids is doable but much, much more difficult. I feel guilty I can''t give her all the attention/time we wants. Not sure how long your program is but I would try to get the bulk of it done before TTC. Mine is a 60 hour program so I''ve got a looooong way to go.

 

[paris29]

^ Wow in the first month. I really hope all will go well when ttc and that doctors find nothing seriously wrong. My program is 5 years last year is internship.

FF and I talked about it today and he said when he finishes with school in 2-2.5 years he will be happy and ready to start ttc. I''m really excited, I''m glad we talked about it. Thanks ladies for the help and advice.