Resigning from my job...

[NY Princess]

I’m resigning from my job and I feel so sad. A couple of years ago, I quit my job to become a SAHM after the birth of my 1st child. After a year, I found a PT job that I LOVE! Now three years later, my husband has decided that he wants to go back to school and insists that I quit my job to watch our two children. Placing them in daycare is not an option for our family. That being said, I know that resigning is the right thing to do for my family and to support my husband as he furthers his education but the truth is I FEEL SO SAD about leaving my job because I truly love it, I enjoy my co-workers, and the fact that it is somewhat of an escape from household responsibilities.

I feel guilty about enjoying my time away but when I’m home, I feel like I’m “on duty” from the moment the kids wake up until they fall asleep. It’s exhausting!

Can anyone relate?

 

[havernell]

I can''t really relate, as I don''t have children. However, is there a way that your husband''s school schedule would be flexible so that he could watch your children when you are at your part-time job? Generally people in school are not in classes from 9-5, but only a few hours per day. Could you two share childcare duty? Maybe it means scaling back your hours or working at different times than usual, but if you really love your job, perhaps there''s a way to make it work? I don''t see why your husband gets to just "insist" you quit your job while you get no say in the matter. Perhaps the two of you could work together on a compromise. Best of luck!

 

[jewelz617]

Best to compromise right now and save yourself the future resentment. If I''m just being honest.

 

[swingirl]

You mean neither of you will be employed now that your husband has decided he wants to go back to school? or will he be working full-time and in school? If that''s the case it seems unfair to the kids to not have either their mother or father spend much time with them. Keep your skills sharp and plan on going back to work once your kids are in school. But while your husband is gone all day and evening you need to be there for your kids.

Personally I can''t relate because my husband and I made those sorts of decisions together so neither of us felt slighted with the family plan.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

No, I can't relate either. At all. NY, I don't think your husband has the right to insist you do anything. How could you be equal and happy in a relationship with a man who is insisting you do something that makes you so sad? Since you're putting it here, I'm going to put in my 2 cents worth - reach a compromise. Unless there is a lot more to it that you've posted, it doesn't sound good to me. Neither partner has the last word in a relationship, whether you have children or not.

I hope you find a way through this that doesn't leave you feeling sad and still lets your husband fulfill his own ambitions, just not at your expense.
Jen

 

[Sabine]

Date: 4/10/2010 4:41:41 AM
Author: Mrs Mitchell
No, I can''t relate either. At all. NY, I don''t think your husband has the right to insist you do anything. How could you be equal and happy in a relationship with a man who is insisting you do something that makes you so sad? Since you''re putting it here, I''m going to put in my 2 cents worth - reach a compromise. Unless there is a lot more to it that you''ve posted, it doesn''t sound good to me. Neither partner has the last word in a relationship, whether you have children or not.

This! I can understand wanting to support your dh, but not at the expense of your happiness! If you can''t find a way to make it work so that you can keep your job, could your dh wait to go back to school until your kids are in school?

 

[missy]

Date: 4/10/2010 4:41:41 AM
Author: Mrs Mitchell
No, I can't relate either. At all. NY, I don't think your husband has the right to insist you do anything. How could you be equal and happy in a relationship with a man who is insisting you do something that makes you so sad? Since you're putting it here, I'm going to put in my 2 cents worth - reach a compromise. Unless there is a lot more to it that you've posted, it doesn't sound good to me. Neither partner has the last word in a relationship, whether you have children or not.


I hope you find a way through this that doesn't leave you feeling sad and still lets your husband fulfill his own ambitions, just not at your expense.

Jen

I totally agree with Jen. It is so hard to find a job you are crazy about let alone in this job market and who knows if you will ever be this fortunate again? It is unfair for your dh to expect/insist you quit your job. Having children is (should be) a team effort shared by both parents. There are ways to go back to school part time/evenings/weekends to fit it into your busy schedules. With some effort I am sure you guys can reach a more agreeable decision.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 4/10/2010 7:07:57 AM
Author: Sabine

Date: 4/10/2010 4:41:41 AM

Author: Mrs Mitchell

No, I can''t relate either. At all. NY, I don''t think your husband has the right to insist you do anything. How could you be equal and happy in a relationship with a man who is insisting you do something that makes you so sad? Since you''re putting it here, I''m going to put in my 2 cents worth - reach a compromise. Unless there is a lot more to it that you''ve posted, it doesn''t sound good to me. Neither partner has the last word in a relationship, whether you have children or not.

This! I can understand wanting to support your dh, but not at the expense of your happiness! If you can''t find a way to make it work so that you can keep your job, could your dh wait to go back to school until your kids are in school?

I agree with Mrs M and Sabine (and the others). It doesn''t seem fair for you to give up something that you love so much and that fulfills you in another way aside from being with your children. You said daycare wasn''t an option, but have you looked into all other possibilities? I''d do that before quitting your job.

I also wondered if this means that neither you nor your husband would be working or if he''ll continue to work while going to school.

 

[Steel]

Awh, you sound sad to leave your job.

What are your options to ''keep your foot in the door'' so to speak; so that you can go back if you want to, once your babies are older? Can you work from home at all?

Your DH did not come across very well in your post, but it is very common that putting a second (+) child into daycare is the push to require one parent to stay at home.

 

[NY Princess]

My husband works FT and has always done so. He has watched the kids on his days off for the past three years but now he wants to go back to school to get his MBA and wants to do so on his days off.

I was working PT but my salary wasn''t used for household expenses. It was for extra fun stuff for us. My husband really wants to further his education and we both agree that the children should be cared for at home if financially feasible.

I do feel sad because I really like my job but understand that this is something that he really needs to do for himself. I don''t feel comfortable asking him to put off his schooling until the kids are older because he has been supportive of me in pursuing this PT job.

This post is more about feeling sad about leaving the workforce especially when you enjoy your work. I didn''t mean to make my hubby sound like an ogre...he''s very kind and supportive!

 

[junebug17]

It''s a little hard for me to relate, because I loved being a SAHM and preferred staying home with my kids to working. But that''s me, a homebody and not really a big career person. I totally understand you enjoyed working and will miss it. Look at it this way, you are doing the right thing for your kids, and for your family''s future. Your husband will increase his earning potential with his degree, and I know it''s weird to think about it now because your kids are young, but this will help down the road when you face big expenses such as college. I guess it sounds hokey, but I''ve always viewed marriage as being part of a team, and sometimes you have to take one for the team. As swingirl said, keep your skills sharp, you can return to the work force when your kids are in school.

I really admire you for making a sacrifice for your family! Have fun with your kids, they really do grow so fast!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 4/10/2010 12:13:06 AM
Author:NY Princess
I’m resigning from my job and I feel so sad. A couple of years ago, I quit my job to become a SAHM after the birth of my 1st child. After a year, I found a PT job that I LOVE! Now three years later, my husband has decided that he wants to go back to school and insists that I quit my job to watch our two children. Placing them in daycare is not an option for our family. That being said, I know that resigning is the right thing to do for my family and to support my husband as he furthers his education but the truth is I FEEL SO SAD about leaving my job because I truly love it, I enjoy my co-workers, and the fact that it is somewhat of an escape from household responsibilities.

I feel guilty about enjoying my time away but when I’m home, I feel like I’m “on duty” from the moment the kids wake up until they fall asleep. It’s exhausting!

Can anyone relate?

Hi,
I''ve been a SAHM since my first was born. Can you put your older one in PT preschool? Most of my friends put their toddlers in preschool that''s about 4 hours a week. Not long, but long enough to get "mommy time." There are places that are REALLY cheap and the kids have fun. It''s not comparable to daycare or true preschool.

 

[janinegirly]

I would suggest considering your happiness if you leave a job you love to be home full time. I understand the priority is your children and you would like someone home with them full time, but it is feasible to have them in daycare p/t and be perfectly fine. You say you work p/t, right? Because if you quit a job you happen to love (which is sooo hard to find), you may eventually become resentful and also stifled. That will not be good for your kids/family either.

Just something to consider....you clearly seem sad about your decision, it comes through loud and clear in your post!

 

[cara]

Part time child-care with someone else watching them is not an option? Just part-time, as it sounds like your job is only on your husband''s days off? They will go to school at some point.

I guess it sounds to me like you are treating your PT job as a ''leisure activity'' that is optional to your family. Yes leisure activities sometimes might have to be sacrificed in the scheme of things, and your husband going back to school might be one of them. Sad but you will have to embrace it if that is the case.

But I wonder if your are selling yourself and your job short. Yes it is very important to raise your children - but it is also important (especially for SAHPs) to stay connected to things outside the home and have a sense of self. It might not seem like an important contribution now if your children are young and needy, but it will be more and more important as they age that you have something outside the home that you do and something that is not just family-focused. It is a valuable contribution.

Plus it is always easier to rejoin the workforce if you have kept a toe in it. You might not be able to find such an rewarding position if you later decide you want to work again. Just rethink thinks and make *sure* this is the right decision for your family. Then you may still feel sad that you have to give up your job but will be more confident it is the right call.

 

[vespergirl]

Can you get a part-time nanny share for the hours that you are working? I am a SAHM, but I plan on going back for my Master''s in a couple of years. That goal is very important to me, and I will have a part-time nanny for the hours that I am attending classes. I would be very resentful of anyone who told me that my goals/happiness were not important enough - you should keep working that part-time job if you enjoy it.

My mother was a SAHM who was not happy to be at home. She resented my father & us for "keeping her there" and took it out on us by being abusive. I am not saying that is your personality/family situation at all, but I have witnessed firsthand how much kids and family can suffer if the mom isn''t happy & feels forced to be at home all the time.

 

[Steel]

I understand.
And of course your DH is not an ogre! But it is not nice to hear that another PS''er is being ''forced'' into anything. Life is about give and take and your DH wants/needs you to give - I get that.

How long will your DH be in further education? It can''t be more than a couple of years can it? And the positive will of course be, that you get to spend extra time with the kids while they are extra little. Then perhaps you will get another PT job. This full time SAHM business might not be forever; unless you want it.

Look into local groups and get togethers so that although you don''t have the structure of your job, you still can have structure. Playgroup on Monday, Library on Tuesday, swimming on Friday etc. You can still have an outside life, you just have to bring the little ''uns!

It won''t be forever; he will get his qualification and you will get more options.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

I'm doing my MBA part-time while I work full time. We don't have kids yet but are TTC and will hopefully have a child in the next year. We will need to use daycare, but there is an excellent one right across the street from my office so I am more comfortable with that.

I would keep your job and arrange for part-time childcare, or having your husband go to class on the weekends.

1. In your post you already sound like this wasn't a joint decision and that you already feel resentful
2. Most working and SAH moms I know wish they could find a pt time job they love that allows them balance in your life.
3. I think even if you only make enough $ to cover pt time daycare while you are working it's worth it to keep your job
4. If your husband goes on weekends it shouldn't conflict with your job right--I'm a little unclear about your work schedules...

The MBA job market isn't super strong right now, so there are no guarantees that the degree will lead to advancement so be prepared for this...

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 4/10/2010 1:03:25 PM
Author: janinegirly
I would suggest considering your happiness if you leave a job you love to be home full time. I understand the priority is your children and you would like someone home with them full time, but it is feasible to have them in daycare p/t and be perfectly fine. You say you work p/t, right? Because if you quit a job you happen to love (which is sooo hard to find), you may eventually become resentful and also stifled. That will not be good for your kids/family either.


Just something to consider....you clearly seem sad about your decision, it comes through loud and clear in your post!

I keep thinking about your post, NYP, and I agree with Janine that maybe, over time, you may feel some resentment about leaving your job. It might not be directed at your husband but at the situation.

It sounds like you''re not really looking for suggestions but you''re venting about how you feel. If I may though...

I have a suggestion that I want to throw out there, but it comes with a disclaimer. I don''t have kids and I don''t really know how it works, but have you heard about or considered some type of child watch job sharing situation with another parent in your area? I''ve heard about this, and my understanding is that you could watch a neighbor''s child on certain days of the week (or whatever you work out) while he/she has time to do other things, and then you''d do the same on other days. Yes, it would mean watching more than just your child/children throughout the week, but this way, you could potentially keep your part-time job when it''s your day "off" from being on child duty. Again, I''m not sure if this is something you''d be willing to consider, but maybe it could work.

 

[PumpkinPie]

ditto to the idea of part-time daycare or nannysharing -I would also be a bit concerned about eventual resentment building up - you sound so sad about leaving your job and balance in one''s life (particularly a SAHM) is super important

 

[sparklyheart]

Just to clarify.. Are you quitting your job to be a SAHM? What if you kept your job but used the money from it to pay for PT child care? That way you could keep the job and not feel like you are always "on duty."

ETA: I'm exhausted and not reading..just saw your thing about daycare not being an option..