shape
carat
color
clarity

Odd engagement question...

Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
Say you know a couple. They have been together for a long time (3 years). Suddenly one day, out of nowhere the guy breaks up with the girl and says he wants to see other people.

Girl is devastated for 2 years, moves out of the country and goes into a deep depression. Guy tells mutual friends that he just wasn''t attracted to her anymore and makes fun of her at get-togethers.

1 year later, guy realizes that it''s hard out there in the dating world and wants the girl back. Girl is so happy he''s back. Guy proposes. Girl is flashing her ring and giddy about getting married now.

I''ve been observing this all unfold since they were dating and it''s not sitting right with me. Girl is a close friend, which makes it worse. I''m happy for her, but hope she proceeds with caution.

Could you accept a proposal from a man who basically dumped you to sleep with other people?
 

lilyfoot

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 19, 2009
Messages
1,955
Date: 3/29/2010 9:24:15 AM
Author:PinkAsscher678
Say you know a couple. They have been together for a long time (3 years). Suddenly one day, out of nowhere the guy breaks up with the girl and says he wants to see other people.

Girl is devastated for 2 years, moves out of the country and goes into a deep depression. Guy tells mutual friends that he just wasn''t attracted to her anymore and makes fun of her at get-togethers.

1 year later, guy realizes that it''s hard out there in the dating world and wants the girl back. Girl is so happy he''s back. Guy proposes. Girl is flashing her ring and giddy about getting married now.

I''ve been observing this all unfold since they were dating and it''s not sitting right with me. Girl is a close friend, which makes it worse. I''m happy for her, but hope she proceeds with caution.

Could you accept a proposal from a man who basically dumped you to sleep with other people?
No.

"It''s hard to get out there in the dating world" is not a good enough reason for me to take somebody back. Especially to make said person my husband.

As much as I love my FI, and he is the only man I want to be with for the rest of my life, if he did that to me, there''s no way I''d take him back.
 

kama_s

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 12, 2008
Messages
3,617
This girl needs to grow a backbone. I wouldn''t be surprised if he leaves her for a hotter, younger girl later down the road. Seen it happen plenty of times. The signs are there, loud and clear - she just needs to see them.
 

missy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jun 8, 2008
Messages
53,899
Absolutely NOT.
If she does she''s a fool and she is destined for heartbreak IMO.
 

Hudson_Hawk

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 2, 2006
Messages
10,541
Eff no! Especially not if he was trash talking me after we broke up!

What a crappy situation, I don't envy you PA.

ETA: I do know a couple who was married, broke up/divorced, realized how much the dating world sucked, got back together and now are happily remarried to each other with a beautiful daughter.
 

jewelz617

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 6, 2009
Messages
1,547
I just think the way he went about breaking up with her in the first place was unnecessarily cruel. I understand people breaking up and reuniting, but to be so heartless about it makes me wonder. Will he dump her for gaining weight when she gets pregnant? When she gets older, will he be chasing 19 year olds??? This doesn''t scream "life partner" to me.
 

NewEnglandLady

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 27, 2007
Messages
6,299
I know several married couples (including my in-laws and my cousin) who dated for a long while, broke up because they were unsure about the relationship/didn''t necessarily feel that marriage was the best "next step", but then reunited and married. While breaking up is hurtful and would need to be addressed before getting married, I wouldn''t consider it a dealbreaker. If, however, the person bad-mouthed me, made fun of me, etc., I wouldn''t have enough respect for him to love him, so in this case, it would be a dealbreaker. Sorry you''re in this situation!
 

purselover

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 20, 2008
Messages
2,066
Date: 3/29/2010 9:50:53 AM
Author: PinkAsscher678
I just think the way he went about breaking up with her in the first place was unnecessarily cruel. I understand people breaking up and reuniting, but to be so heartless about it makes me wonder. Will he dump her for gaining weight when she gets pregnant? When she gets older, will he be chasing 19 year olds??? This doesn''t scream ''life partner'' to me.
agreed, it sounds like there wasn''t a great reason for their break up/reunion. I would never get back involved let alone marry someone just because dating''s hard. Does she realize how he talked about her behind her back? That''s an awful way to treat someone, and then to suddenly propose? Sounds like a recipe for potential disaster.
 

LadyJane83

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Mar 17, 2010
Messages
142
This sounds just awful. I don''t envy your situation... you can''t really bad-mouth the future husband for fear of alienating your friend. I like to "never say never" but I really don''t think I could forgive this. Like the other posters, I would worry that he would be unfaithful, or leave me for the first attractive woman to pay him attention.

But... trying to be positive here.... maybe there are things you don''t know about their relationship? And maybe, because of these things, it is not as bad as it appears. Doubtful... but you never know...
 

fieryred33143

Ideal_Rock
Joined
May 18, 2008
Messages
6,689
Nope.

And what would make me feel even worse is that he was telling everyone he wasn''t attracted to me and making fun of me. The dating other people thing I may be able to get over depending on the age of the couple and whether or not this was the first relationship for both. Again, only maybe. But for him to make fun of me, so not cool.

Remind her of this quote: Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
 

lilyfoot

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 19, 2009
Messages
1,955
Date: 3/29/2010 9:50:53 AM
Author: PinkAsscher678
I just think the way he went about breaking up with her in the first place was unnecessarily cruel. I understand people breaking up and reuniting, but to be so heartless about it makes me wonder. Will he dump her for gaining weight when she gets pregnant? When she gets older, will he be chasing 19 year olds??? This doesn''t scream ''life partner'' to me.
These were my thoughts also
14.gif


Sure, everything might seem peachy-keen right now, but marriage is (supposed to be) a lifetime commitment.
 

Lady_Disdain

Ideal_Rock
Trade
Joined
Jul 25, 2008
Messages
3,988
I can see the breakup as being a reaction to this is going too fast/I am too young/this realtionship is too serious. That is forgivable, although he might not have done it in the best way.

But making fun of a person, saying the person is not good enough and then going back just because he can''t find a "better" girlfriend - those are pretty unforgivable.
 

MissMina

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Aug 17, 2009
Messages
734
What does your friend say?
Does she think he has changed, matured, is ready for marriage?
 

sunnyd

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 5, 2007
Messages
7,353
Not exactly the same, but my ex BF dated a girl in high school, broke up (because she''s crazy!), we dated, broke up, now they''re back together. He talked trash about her back then and still does. They''re getting married in a few months.
20.gif
 

LaurenThePartier

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 2, 2004
Messages
10,100
Date: 3/29/2010 10:42:53 AM
Author: Lady_Disdain
I can see the breakup as being a reaction to this is going too fast/I am too young/this realtionship is too serious. That is forgivable, although he might not have done it in the best way.

But making fun of a person, saying the person is not good enough and then going back just because he can''t find a ''better'' girlfriend - those are pretty unforgivable.
Ditto.

My husband and I broke up early on because it was going to fast/he was too young/the relationship became too serious. It was only for a few months, and neither of us dated/slept with anyone else during that time.

But, if I had heard that he was badmouthing me behind my back, we never would have gotten back together. You could never be confident in the strength of your relationship again.
 

LilyKat

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jun 8, 2009
Messages
835
No. Obviously not. And neither could anyone with an ounce of self-esteem.

Unfortunately, there are plenty of girls without the latter.

Hard as it is, it's your friend's decision to make. She's an adult. She knows how he dumped her and why. If he is still badmouthing her now, I would tell her. If not - I'd just be there for her if and when things unravel.
 

Sizzle

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jul 4, 2007
Messages
1,304
Date: 3/29/2010 9:57:00 AM
Author: NewEnglandLady
I know several married couples (including my in-laws and my cousin) who dated for a long while, broke up because they were unsure about the relationship/didn''t necessarily feel that marriage was the best ''next step'', but then reunited and married. While breaking up is hurtful and would need to be addressed before getting married, I wouldn''t consider it a dealbreaker. If, however, the person bad-mouthed me, made fun of me, etc., I wouldn''t have enough respect for him to love him, so in this case, it would be a dealbreaker. Sorry you''re in this situation!

I can easily see how this could happen. Especially because the girl didn''t see all the bad stuff. She was probably never told how he made fun of her. She was probably never told if he whored around. All she knows is that she loves this man and in her mind he finally "saw the light"... and who knows, maybe he did and is just embarassed to admit it. I think age plays a big factor in all of this as well. How old were they when they got together. Did he date alot before meeting her? I can only hope, for your friends sake, that''s he''s grown and had some type of epiphany.. The chances are VERY slim, but it could happen.
 

jewelerman

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Sep 30, 2007
Messages
3,107
actually been in this situation...but im the one who got dumped and she came back after 6 months.I took her back(more then once) and then she dumped me on my birthday(that did it finally)!Your friend will be sorry she took the loser back...he will eventually leave her again!She needs to respect herself and find someone who will love her as she is and not disrespect her.
 

IloveAsschers13

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Apr 27, 2008
Messages
896
Date: 3/29/2010 9:57:00 AM
Author: NewEnglandLady
I know several married couples (including my in-laws and my cousin) who dated for a long while, broke up because they were unsure about the relationship/didn''t necessarily feel that marriage was the best ''next step'', but then reunited and married. While breaking up is hurtful and would need to be addressed before getting married, I wouldn''t consider it a dealbreaker. If, however, the person bad-mouthed me, made fun of me, etc., I wouldn''t have enough respect for him to love him, so in this case, it would be a dealbreaker. Sorry you''re in this situation!

ITA. In the case you are bringing up, the feeling is mutual. In PA''s friends case, the feeling was not mutual to break up. If the other person in the relationship wanted to break up and hurt my feelings that bad and then expect to get back together, NO WAY JOSE. But if it was mutual, I would.
 

Porridge

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Oct 27, 2008
Messages
3,267
Ugh. Breaking up is one thing, that happens many young couples. But badmouthingher to friends?? Definitely a dealbreaker in my book. It sounds like neither of them have much self esteem. Does she know how he behaved while they were broken up?

It''s a toughie. I can''t see it lasting but you never know what''s going on with a couple.
 

Lula

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Apr 5, 2009
Messages
4,624
Date: 3/29/2010 9:43:29 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
Eff no! Especially not if he was trash talking me after we broke up!

Ditto. That part of the story was a real red flag for me -- sounds like he doesn''t really respect her.

I guess there''s a chance that he grew up (a lot) in the one year, and realized that he was wrong to break up with her, and his time away from her made him realize how great he had it with her, but...
 

jewelz617

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 6, 2009
Messages
1,547
Basically she just loves him and can''t see past that. She can''t see the red flags everyone else can. I honestly think she knows a lot more than she lets on but is willing to forgive him, either because she doesn''t think she will find anyone better or because she is scared to leave him and possibly be alone.

Did you ever have a friend who had a toxic boyfriend but was always talking about how great he is, as if to convince others? That''s her. I don''t see her ever dumping him.
38.gif
 

Hudson_Hawk

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 2, 2006
Messages
10,541
Date: 3/29/2010 3:15:44 PM
Author: PinkAsscher678
Basically she just loves him and can''t see past that. She can''t see the red flags everyone else can. I honestly think she knows a lot more than she lets on but is willing to forgive him, either because she doesn''t think she will find anyone better or because she is scared to leave him and possibly be alone.


Did you ever have a friend who had a toxic boyfriend but was always talking about how great he is, as if to convince others? That''s her. I don''t see her ever dumping him.
38.gif

If this is the case then you might not be able to do anything at all. If she''s that deep in denial then your interceding might just push her away. I''m not saying that was your intent, just putting it out there if you were thinking about it.

Some people just like to live their lives in misery not realizing that there''s something better for them out there. But if ignorance is bliss and she''s in denial, can you really say she''s unhappy?
 

kama_s

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jul 12, 2008
Messages
3,617
Date: 3/29/2010 4:27:28 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 3/29/2010 3:15:44 PM
Author: PinkAsscher678
Basically she just loves him and can''t see past that. She can''t see the red flags everyone else can. I honestly think she knows a lot more than she lets on but is willing to forgive him, either because she doesn''t think she will find anyone better or because she is scared to leave him and possibly be alone.


Did you ever have a friend who had a toxic boyfriend but was always talking about how great he is, as if to convince others? That''s her. I don''t see her ever dumping him.
38.gif

If this is the case then you might not be able to do anything at all. If she''s that deep in denial then your interceding might just push her away. I''m not saying that was your intent, just putting it out there if you were thinking about it.

Some people just like to live their lives in misery not realizing that there''s something better for them out there. But if ignorance is bliss and she''s in denial, can you really say she''s unhappy?
I agree. My parents were close family friends with this couple. The husband was a cheating SOB. He literally didn''t come home at night for weeks at a time. His wife stayed with him (is still with him, they now have a grandkid) and he hasn''t changed in his ways at all. She would brag about her husband, how he bought her expensive things and what not all the time. She was well aware of all his nightly activities, but chose to ignore.

I have a feeling if you do talk to your friend, she''ll just push you away. What a sucky situation to be in.
 

zoebartlett

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 29, 2006
Messages
12,461
No, I wouldn''t accept a proposal after all that happened. It''s one thing for a couple to part ways (mutually), take some time apart, and get back together again -- I know a couple who did that, but it''s a WHOLE other thing for the guy to talk trash about the girl and then want to get back together. Then propose?! No way.
 

RaiKai

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 8, 2010
Messages
1,255
No, that would certainly not work for me.

It is, as others have said, one thing if they decided to try again after some time apart, but another for him to have been trash talking her during their time apart! I have known couples who separated and got back together, but they respected one another during the time apart.

It definitely sounds like she is in some self-inflicted denial of the situation due to her own insecurities or who knows what....a therapist would be more beneficial to her than this relationship. It is sad to see, and unfortunately, I agree with others that you might just push her away. That does not mean you can''t still intercede, just decide whether that risk is worth it - in some instances it may be, in others it may not be.

I will say this...she probably does know deep down she is unhappy, and he is not that great, but needs the validation that he is great (hence talking about it....to not only convince OTHERS but more so HERSELF). She probably knows something is amiss, and is aware of the "red flags" but is too fearful to be on her own or whatever else...and so finds justification for her decision to say. One day perhaps she will realize that it is far more painful to be lonely in a relationship, than alone without a relationship (and at the end of the day...we are all "alone" in a sense anyway....the key is to finding someone you can be "alone" with together in a healthy way and not making choices based on a fear of being alone).
 

swimmer

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Nov 9, 2007
Messages
2,516
Date: 3/29/2010 10:23:47 AM
Author: fiery
Nope.


Remind her of this quote: Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.


Fiery nails it again. I''ve thought this exact same thing when occasionally perusing LIW...
 

Amethyste

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 7, 2003
Messages
2,201
It happened to me before...

I said NO!

No way - if you thought I wasn''t "it" before, what would make me think I will not be "it" in the future.

Go play in traffic! ( it''s a french exression meaning "Go play on the freeway". )
 

jewelz617

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 6, 2009
Messages
1,547
Thanks for the opinions, everyone. I''m definitely on the same page. Some of my friends think this situation is "cute" and "romantic." I''m thinking poetry and slow dancing is romantic, not mind games and jabs at someone''s expense.

But, that said, I''m not planning to say anything. I will attend the wedding, I will smile and gush over the ring. And perhaps put a bet on when the divorce is happening...
27.gif
 

upgrade

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 13, 2008
Messages
552
Would I take him back? Never. But I have self esteem and know I deserve better than that.

You''re doing the right thing in not saying anything to her. If she''s chosen to take him back, I''m sorry for her because it will likely end in heartbreak, but it''s her choice to make. If she asks for your opinion, I''d give it honestly. If she doesn''t ask then I feel that it''s not your place to say anything. She''s a grown up. She''ll make her choice and she''ll live with the consequences of that choice, good or bad.
 
Status
Not open for further replies. Please create a new topic or request for this thread to be opened.
Be a part of the community Get 3 HCA Results
Top