How important is it to live near family?

[basil]

My husband and I are trying to decide where we want to settle. Currently I live about 10 hours away from my parents and extended family, and I''d like to be closer, especially as we consider starting a family at some point.

The top two contenders are:

New Bedford, MA - about 30 min away from my parents. Somewhat high crime and poverty rate, but the suburbs are quite nice. Good schools (in the suburbs). Close to family beach cottage.

Portland, ME - about 3 hours away from my parents. Lower crime rate, lower cost of living, close to family ski condo. Probably can get a higher salary here. The city I''ve wanted to live in since I was little. We could actually live in the city, rather than the suburbs.

If I were choosing for just me and my husband, I''d definitely pick Portland, but thinking about having a baby at some point, I''d really want my parents to be around. I think it would alleviate some working mom guilt if my mom could watch the potential baby a few days a week (she''s already offered) and it would make having a "date night" with my husband a lot easier.

Has anyone else made a similar choice? How important is it to be close to extended family? Anyone have any thoughts or feelings about New Bedford area or Portland?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I would move to Portland. Sounds like your quality of life will be better. DH''s family is 8 hours away. My parents are a 2 hour flight (15-16 hour drive) so a 3 hour drive seems NOTHING to me. It is hard not having family here with a baby but doable for sure! I would fulfill your dream.

 

[divergrrl]

Basil! Hi! I love your ring btw....such a gorgeous setting & stone!

Ok...well, after having PukeFest2008 go on here for 2 days straight with 2 small children & myself (read my post in ps mommies thread) can I just say having family RIGHT HERE is the BEST. THING. EVER.

Driving 3 hours to get to the g''parents is a royal PITA when you have small kids. OMG....and babysitters? Its hard to find good ones. Grandparents are gold.

So if you have great parents with whom you have good relationships with, by all means, GET CLOSE AS YOU CAN. Logistically its the smartest choice for the whole family. And when you have kids, the suburbs aren''t so bad (I''m a total city kid..grew up in the city, lived downtown my whole adult life, abhored the burbs and now I''m a burb mom, LOVE IT!) and you can always move to the city later on. But oooh baby....small children are tough...having familial support is PRICELESS!


Now....if you have crazy parents who make you insane....3 hours is not far enough. LOL!

 

[divergrrl]

Date: 11/18/2008 7:35:21 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
I would move to Portland. Sounds like your quality of life will be better. DH''s family is 8 hours away. My parents are a 2 hour flight (15-16 hour drive) so a 3 hour drive seems NOTHING to me. It is hard not having family here with a baby but doable for sure! I would fulfill your dream.

HAHAHA...you just have one kid...wait till you have 2. Ugh..its a whole new ball game. I was Bree from Desperate Housewives when it was just Jake. Now I''m like short haired un-glammed Gaby...and tired all the time. Its sad!

I live 20 minutes from my dad & stepmom. They are here at the drop of a hat. Its really a lifesaver. I cannot tell you how wonderful it is.

 

[Sabine]

DH and I would desperately love to move back to our hometown. We even applied to defer his Navy time so that would would have a chance of moving there for a few years. If it was me, I would want to be close.

However, I would also consider whether you want this move to be permanent. If so, then I might choose Portland. If you are good with this move being somewhat temporary, I would move to New Bedford for a few years, and then maybe relocate.

 

[zoebartlett]

Of the two you''ve narrowed it down to, I''d go with Portland, just because I like the town better. It''s more quaint, whereas New Bedford is much bigger and it seems more urban.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Diver, oh I think it is tough but if it was my dream to live in a certain city and it would mean more money and a better quality of life, I wouldn''t let my kids stop me. It is totally doable. We have made that 8 hour drive at least 4 times so far and the 2 hour flight twice. It is tough but not impossible. We baby swap with our friends and the grandparents visit often. It''s funny, my mom on her last trip said she WISHED she lived 3 hours away.

 

[basil]

Tacori - thanks! It''s definitely good to know that it''s possible without extended family.

Diver - I''m so lucky to have really great parents...and I know that I am much closer to my grandmother that lived close by than the one in FL, so I don''t want my kid to miss out on the opportunity.

Sabine - your husband is a med student, right? My husband and I are both physicians, so when we finally get a "real job" and join a practice, we want it to be pretty permanent. It''s kind of blowing my mind to have to consider what type of patients we''re likely to see and treat in either city in addition to where we''d like to live.

Zoe - Portland is an awesome city and I love it a lot there...New Bedford not so much. But we''d be living in the suburbs - Fairhaven/Westport/Mattapoisett/Freetown so those are definitely not urban. Providence and Newport aren''t so far away either, I guess.

 

[Haven]

I''d consider all of the most important elements that will most affect your quality of life in both cities. I''m sure it''s different for everyone, but for me I would consider:

- Proximity to loved ones (family & friends)
- Community (you''ve always wanted to live in the city--how important is this? Is New Bedford a suburb that offers enough culture/diversity/interest/whateveritisyouwantfromthecity, or will you affect your happiness? Are the people in either place nicer or more "you" than the other?)
- Education (If you''re going with a public education, how do they compare in both places?)
- Affordability (Will you have to give certain things up to live in either place? Will you have to be house-poor to live in a home you''d love in one place?)
- Quality of work (What sort of work will you do in each place? Will one be more fulfilling than the other?)

For us, living near family was a big deal. But so were all of the other things on this list. We gave up having a huge home to live in a more affluent neighborhood with better schools, but we found a smaller home that had character, which was more important to me than a big house that looked like every other home in the subdivision. It was all about a balancing act between all of the things most important to us so we could create the best quality of life for ourselves.

What an exciting time for you! I can''t wait to see what you choose to do.

 

[neatfreak]

Knowing both areas I just don''t think I would want to live in New Bedford even if it meant my family was closer. 3 hours is plenty close (and I LOVE my family) if the trade off is New Bedford.

 

[luvmyhalo]

About 2 years ago, we moved clear across the country from family. The in-laws are a 3 hr flight away and my Mom is an 8 hr flight away! We have a 22 month old daughter, and although it would be easier to have grandparents nearby to babysit, I wouldn''t change it for anything. I actually like it this way. However, I''m not that close to my Mom and seeing the in-laws 3 times a year is just about all I can handle

I say, go where you''d really like to live. A 3 hour drive is really not that bad. Your parents can drive over on the weekends to help out and allow you and DH to have date night.

 

[zoebartlett]

Oh okay...got it. Yeah, I think I was trying to be polite, but now that I know you don''t like New Bedford either and would live in a suburb, I can see where the choice would be more difficult. At first I thought, "hands down, Portland!!!" NB just isn''t the nicest place. I don''t know the suburban areas you mentioned too well, although I''ve heard of them. I actually have family in New Bedford, and I wouldn''t choose to live there.

 

[decodelighted]

I''ve been hearing great things about Providence ... is that an option? Two friends moved there in the last couple years -- they love it! They both grew up outside of Boston, MA, but have lived in Chicago & NYC

Otherwise I''d pick Portland ... I''ve always wanted to live in Maine too -- but now that I''m sick of upstate NY temps -- brrrrrrrrr -- maybe not!

 

[somethingshiny]

I have cousins that live about three hours away from the family. And while it seems like a doable trip, once they had kids, those trips are few and far between.

I live about twenty minutes from my parents and just a block from my in-laws. (we were 45/30 minutes away until we recently moved) We see them at least once if not twice a week.

I grew up without grandparents near and at the time it seemed perfectly fine. But, once I moved back near to them, it''s like I had to start a whole new relationship. I don''t have many of those grandma/grandpa memories. So, my thought is, the closer the better, but no more than a half a day''s drive so you can make it to all the big functions and a few fun weekends.

 

[basil]

Haven - those are really good questions! A few of them we have to look into further...I don''t know a lot about the different school systems. And it''s hard to tell about job satisfaction until we start researching the actual jobs.

luvmyhalo - that''s awesome that you were able to move like that!

Deco - I wish Providence were an option! I lived there for 9 years and my husband lived there for 3 years and we both loved it. Unfortunately, it''s a really saturated market in our professions with a history of very low reimbursements, so my husband doesn''t want to move back there.

Zoe - don''t hold back, no need to be polite!


I feel like I''m arguing in favor of New Bedford more than I''m arguing in favor of Maine. Maybe it''s one of those times when you flip a coin and when you realize that you want to flip it again to get a different answer, you have your answer! I guess I''ve been thinking tonight about the weeknight beer and wing nights we''ve been missing with my cousin and her husband, and the potluck Sunday dinners with my aunt and uncle. And with my cousin starting a family soon too...that''s even more opportunity for my kid to have family around. I don''t know how much surroundings matter to your happiness after a while you get used to things.

 

[Haven]

Basil, it sounds like you are starting to see which you prefer. I''m not familiar with either location you''re considering, but I can tell you that if my family is there, then it''s home to me.

But that''s just me, and that''s just my family.

I didn''t realize that you two will be starting your careers as physicians wherever you go until I read your post later on in the thread. First, congratulations! That''s very exciting. Good luck on the impending job search!

Sometimes you have to let a question roll around on your tongue for a while before you find the words to make up the answer. I bet if you sit on this for a bit longer, and gauge your reaction to everyone''s responses to your original question, you''ll end up with a pretty clear picture of where you want to live.

My DH and I spent months and months looking at many different types of homes in many different communities. They were all within 20 miles of each other, but it was still a broad range. When we realized that we were finding things wrong with all of the homes in all of the locations except for just one town, we knew we had our answer.

Good luck!

 

[Elmorton]

I''m an only child, and DH and I have about a 3 hour drive from my parents. When I went to college, I was 45 minutes from them. This is the farthest I''ve ever been from them, and part of me likes it - we have to plan visits in advance and we''re not too far away if there was some sort of emergency. I don''t see them as often as I used to, which has also made our relationship stronger/easier.

But I will say this - my mom''s driving is starting to be really questionable on long trips, and I hate knowing they''re on the road when they come to visit. It''s even worse in winter because that 3 hours can be absolutely terrible if there is snow. Considering both locations are out east, I think the 3 hours could seem very close in some situations and very very far away in others.

 

[luckystar112]

I would give anything to live in Portland.

Sigh.

But at this point I''d take New Bedford as well. lol

3 hours IS plenty. Especially since you live 10 hours away now, 3 hours will seem like nothing. I think it''s the perfect distance because it''s close enough for a day trip but far away enough that your parents aren''t knocking on your door unannounced.
DH and I are planning on move back to New England in a year or two, and we are looking to be about 3 hours away as well.

 

[mrssalvo]

having now 3 kids I would give anything to be able to move back to where my family is. we just moved 7 hours away about 3 months ago. I got very spoiled having my mom, sister and a brother and his wife all local. I never needed to pay a baby sitter...ever. Plus, we hung out all summer with my mom at her pool. She''d keep one or two of my kids so I could run even small errands. We had a family dinner once a month for all of us to get together. I miss them and my support group so much. My in-laws live a little over an hour away. it''s nice and we do see them, but still to far to help for short periods of time, like when I need to take one kid to the doctor. But, I am very close to my family, talk to my mom several times a day etc. so having them very close is important to me.

 

[Rhea]

Living 30 minutes away sounds nice, but if the move is for good then I think you''ve got to consider your day-to-day life.

I live in England and my parents in the US. I''d be nice to be closer, but I didn''t grow up close to extended family so it''s something I''ve choosen to live with. I''d pick quality of life on a day in, day out basis over living close to my parents or family.

 

[gwendolyn]

basil, it''s a difficult decision for sure. I doubt I can be of any help, really, as I''m trying to make a similar choice myself. Like Addy, I''m currently living in England but my family and most of my friends are back in the US. I''ve been here for just over a year (14 months) and there are some days when I feel like I would be able to happily live the rest of my life here and other days I just want to go home and be near (or relatively near--my parents will be about a 5-hour drive away from where we''d live if we moved to the US) my loved ones at home. Even my boyfriend''s family is a 4-hour journey from where we live, so we don''t really have any nearby family support like you are going for. Some days I wish we were close enough to pop over for dinner, and other days I''m glad we''re more independent and removed from the day-to-day family stuff J''s family has (his sisters both live 5 minutes from his parents so they see each other all the time).

So, yeah. Not helpful at all, I''m afraid. And I don''t know how to make the decision either.

 

[basil]

Hey Gwendolyn...your situation sounds a lot like my brother''s. His fiancee is Belgian and they are contemplating grad programs in England, so they''d be far away from both families.

I''m glad that I''ve had the experience living away from family...because I think it makes me feel confident that I can live on my own and be happy and get my car repaired and my house taken care of without family support. And I think it makes me appreciate being around family a lot more. I guess now I feel like I have nothing to prove and nothing really to gain (except maybe more money) by living far away. Maybe I''m just a homebody though.

I can''t wait to move back to New England though...I went to the grocery store today and they had kale on sale but there''s nowhere in the midwest that you can buy linguica or chourico to make a proper Portuguese soup! Grrrr....

 

[pennquaker09]

I don''t know anything about New Bedford, so I cannot help there, but I have to say I would give anything to live closer to my parents.

We live in New Jersey, right outside of NYC and it''s about a 3 hour flight to visit Nate''s parents in Atlanta. From there we have a (depending on the driver) another 2.5 hour drive to Birmingham to see my family. My parents don''t have the flexibility to fly up here without some serious planning. My dad is a anesthesiologist and my mom works as an attorney (corporate). Since the birth of the twins in May, my dad and stepmom have visited once and my mom has also flown up once. Recently, my stepmom gave birth and I also have two little brothers in elementary school.

I understand what you''re dealing with because my partner is also a physician and jobs in his specialty are limited. He''s not only practicing, but he is in academic medicine and not all hospitals/med schools have pediatric cardiology programs.

I think our next move is going to be down South or back to Philadelphia.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 11/22/2008 5:15:30 PM
Author: basil
Hey Gwendolyn...your situation sounds a lot like my brother''s. His fiancee is Belgian and they are contemplating grad programs in England, so they''d be far away from both families.


I''m glad that I''ve had the experience living away from family...because I think it makes me feel confident that I can live on my own and be happy and get my car repaired and my house taken care of without family support. And I think it makes me appreciate being around family a lot more. I guess now I feel like I have nothing to prove and nothing really to gain (except maybe more money) by living far away. Maybe I''m just a homebody though.


I can''t wait to move back to New England though...I went to the grocery store today and they had kale on sale but there''s nowhere in the midwest that you can buy linguica or chourico to make a proper Portuguese soup! Grrrr....

How soon are you going to start a family? Is it an option to move to Portland for a while, and then close to your family once your kids are born and small?

But really, if you don''t feel like urge to live farther away and WANT to be closer (it sounds like the money issue isn''t that big a concern), then live close to your parents now! There''s nothing wrong with wanting to be close to family!