Adoption information?

[Italiahaircolor]

I don''t really know how to gracefully start this post...so I''m going to just jump right in...

My DH and I are having an awful time trying to have a baby. After two failed pregnancies, my period has all but stopped (if thats TMI, I''m sorry). My doctors have suggest IVF, and other methods...but I''m scared. The chance of me successfully conceiving and carrying full term naturally is low, and if it should happen would probably be pretty amazing.

Although I''ve had a lot of luck in my career and have an amazing marriage, I feel like this huge part of what life should/could be is still missing...and I''m sad all the time over it. That''s not to say I''m not enjoying my life without a child...but when you want a Mom, and you''re not, it''s hard and even though there are moments of happiness where you totally enjoy your life "as is", there are moments of saddness too.

My DH is all for trying and trying and trying...but there is a small part of me that wonders if this isn''t a sign, that maybe my calling of motherhood isn''t in a "traditional" sense, but maybe adoption....I''ve just began researching this subject, and haven''t even approached the topic with DH...but, I want to go to him with all the facts (good and bad)...

So, I''m wondering if any women on this site have been adoptive parents...if so, what was your experience like--were you jerked around, was it heartbreaking, or did you have real luck immediately? Whose idea was it to pursue adoption? Did you go thru an agency, or a private adoption lawyer? Did you take out adoption insurance? Did you go thru a birth mother who had an unplanned pregnancy, is so, did you cover her expenses like maternity clothes, health care, rent, utilities, ect....? I''m sorry if these are really personal questions, and I understand if no one answers, but I don''t anyone who adopted in real life...and if this is the route for me, then I want to know everything soup to nuts about it...

TIA.

 

[sba771]

Hi,

I don''t have much advice to offer since I don''t really know about the process, but I do want to say I think adoption is wonderful and think it is really great that you are considering it. A friend of ours recently did an international adoption and actually just picked up their little girl 2 weeks ago. She has kept a blog on the entire process and I thought you might find it interesting to read if you go back to her earlier posts about the decision and how they got into it. Hope this helps a little : )

http://barbits.blogspot.com/

 

[vintagelover229]

Date: 11/17/2008 10:32:27 AM
Author:Italiahaircolor
I don''t really know how to gracefully start this post...so I''m going to just jump right in...

My DH and I are having an awful time trying to have a baby. After two failed pregnancies, my period has all but stopped (if thats TMI, I''m sorry). My doctors have suggest IVF, and other methods...but I''m scared. The chance of me successfully conceiving and carrying full term naturally is low, and if it should happen would probably be pretty amazing.

Although I''ve had a lot of luck in my career and have an amazing marriage, I feel like this huge part of what life should/could be is still missing...and I''m sad all the time over it. That''s not to say I''m not enjoying my life without a child...but when you want a Mom, and you''re not, it''s hard and even though there are moments of happiness where you totally enjoy your life ''as is'', there are moments of saddness too.

My DH is all for trying and trying and trying...but there is a small part of me that wonders if this isn''t a sign, that maybe my calling of motherhood isn''t in a ''traditional'' sense, but maybe adoption....I''ve just began researching this subject, and haven''t even approached the topic with DH...but, I want to go to him with all the facts (good and bad)...

So, I''m wondering if any women on this site have been adoptive parents...if so, what was your experience like--were you jerked around, was it heartbreaking, or did you have real luck immediately? Whose idea was it to pursue adoption? Did you go thru an agency, or a private adoption lawyer? Did you take out adoption insurance? Did you go thru a birth mother who had an unplanned pregnancy, is so, did you cover her expenses like maternity clothes, health care, rent, utilities, ect....? I''m sorry if these are really personal questions, and I understand if no one answers, but I don''t anyone who adopted in real life...and if this is the route for me, then I want to know everything soup to nuts about it...

TIA.

I personally am not a mom yet, but the idea for adoption has already come up, when we haven''t tired to have our own!
I was adopted when I was 12, yup, you heard right. 12! My parents weren''t "fit" to say the least, and my 2 younger sisters and I were adopted. Worked out great for my 2 younger sisters...for me...a little rough, but I made it though!

Adoption is a wonderful thing. It gives babies who wouldn''t have a home, a loving home, and parents a child they couldn''t give themselves. It is a LONG process, tons and tons of paperwork, but well worth it in the end. There are many adoption forums that are out there and they can walk you though it every step of the way.

The first thing you need to do is decide if adoption is right for you and your husband. If you decide that, then you have to decide...inside the US (very long waiting list for babies in the US btw) or outside the US? (Or wherever you live, England, etc)

Many many of my adopted families relatives adopted. I have at least 6 korean/ outside of US adopted cousins on MY DADS SIDE ALONE! 6! And they fit in GREAT! One of the twins just got engaged! The life that her parents have given her are amazing!

It isn''t an easy road though. From the process of getting your baby, to the age where they wonder why the "real" mommy couldn''t keep them, etc.

Another option is a surrogate mother. I don''t know how all your stuff is working, but if they can do that, then, sadly you won''t get ot carry the baby, but it would be "yours genetically" if that''s important to you.

Good luck hun! I wish you nothing but the best!

 

[neatfreak]

Adoption can be a wonderful option Italia! I would suggest looking around a bit online, there are TONS of forums about every type of adoption imaginable and I would think you'd be able to get all the information you need and MORE there. Best of luck to you guys!

ETA: Parents magazine just did a feature profiling families who adopted and the different ways to adopt a few months ago...I can't remember what issue but I am sure you could find it at the library.

 

[Gailey]

Italia

Lots of hugs sweetie!!

I know your thread is enquiring about adoptive experiences but I wanted to tell you about a friend of mine and her experience. It may not be right for the two of you, but at least with as much information as you can muster you can make informed choices.

I have known Nicky for nearly 20 years, she is now 46. For as long as I have known her she has always wanted a baby. Her first marriage didn''t work out but she and her 2nd husband tried and tried for a baby. She needed fertility treatment because she wasn''t producing eggs. She did get pregnant 3 times but each time tragically lost the baby.

They also looked into regular IVF and after more tests it was determined that her problem lay with the quality of the eggs that she was producing - she was 40 by this time. Another friend of hers who lived in Boston in the US suggested Donor IVF. By now the concensus of opinion amongst Nicky''s doctors was that the reason she failed to carry her own babies was because the quality of her eggs was not good and her body was rejecting them.

So with much trepidation they set off to Boston from UK for Donor IVF. It worked 1st time and they now have a beautiful daughter, Jessica, who will be three years old on Christmas Eve.

Whatever route you decide to go, I wish you and your husband all the luck and success in the world.

Never let go of your dream.

Gailey

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Sba711, Redrose, Neatfreak and Gailey...

Thank you so much for your kindness, advice, stories and suggestions.

I actually stayed home from work today to research, and I''ve read a lot of interesting facts and stories on different forums, and sites.

If we decided to pursue this more, I would be totally willing to go out of the US to adopt, but wouldn''t be comfortable with a surrogate from the information I read---like in some instances having them live in your house...

I think I''ll contact an adoption councelor and bring DH along...

Thank you ladies for everything, again!

 

[oobiecoo]

I''m sorry to hear about your troubles, Italia. I hope you find your adoption research to be encouraging.

 

[Kaleigh]

Italia,
I wish you well in your adoption research. My SIL very much like you had troubles with multiple miscarriages, she tried IBF a couple times. She adopted my nephew as a new born, it was an open adoption. My nephew is now 4, and the love of their lives and our''s as well. Best of luck to you and your DH.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Thank you oobie, and Kayleigh...I appreciate your kind words and advice....

 

[mia1181]

Italia- I have no personal experiences with adoption, but I wanted to say that I hope you find your path to motherhood whichever way you might go.

I am not yet TTC but DH and I would really love to adopt. I know that I want to be a mother but I am not really concerned with exactly how it happens. There are plenty of children out there that need a home and it is so sweet that you considering adoption. Somehow I have become addicted to reading about Ethiopia adoption on blogs like this one bottomlysandethiopia.blogspot.com (my fav). The are plenty of adoption blogs out there and I think they are fun to read and very informational. I think they give a good picture of the ups and downs of adoption.

 

[iheartscience]

I am certainly no expert on adoption but I wanted to say that I think it''s a great choice! I''m sorry you''re having trouble conceiving, but I think it''s great that you are open to adoption. My fiance''s dad and his dad''s brother were adopted, and so is a good friend of mine from college, and I''ve always been pretty interested in adoption in general. I wish you the best of luck no matter what happens!

 

[neatfreak]

Italia: That article on adoption in Parent''s magazine was from the August issue. I have it, I wish there was a way to get it to you.

 

[*Danielle*]

I do have some experience with adoption. My BF was adopted at birth, as was his brother. There parents were overjoyed at the opportunity and BF and his brother had the best lives they could.
.
Both adoptions were closed as well and neither of them have ever searched out their birth parents. BF has stated that he doesn''t want to, although he could be living miles away. (weird story, at least to me)

I truly hope you find a way to make yourself happy!

 

[Pandora II]

Although I think adoption is a wonderful thing, it is worth taking the time to look at some of the problems that can occur.

Friends of my parents had 3 sons of their own and then adopted 3 children - two girls and a boy. The girls were adopted at the ages of 3 and 6 months (I was good friends growing up with the elder girl) and the boy as a 6 week old baby.

The eldest girl's natural mother was 16 and felt unable to care for the child so put her up for adoption.
The second girl's natural mother was a heroin addict and the child was taken away.
The boy was taken into care at 4 weeks old having been so badly beaten by his father that he was paralysed down one side for over a year.

The adoptive parents were very wealthy and the children all went to top schools, had everything they could ever need - ponies, cars, holidays etc etc They were all hugely loved and cared for.

Their own 3 sons are now all married with kids, the eldest girl has a sucessful career and is married, the second girl is a heroin addict and has two children by different fathers and is in and out of rehab/prison etc. The boy is currently in jail despite his parents huge actions to keep him out over many years. When he was 19, he attacked his adoptive mother and tried to rape her. He was the most angelic looking small child, but there was always something not quite right - eg. when he was 5 he smashed every window in the house with a hammer.

Whilst the vast majority of adoptions are successful, there are times when things go very wrong and through no fault of the adopting parents

DH was keen for us to consider adoption at one point, but I would not be able to as I am bipolar.

 

[MMMD]

I haven''t adopted a child myself but my husband is adopted as well as my brother. And my best friend just adopted from abroad.

If you are thinking this might be an avenue you would like to pursue I would meet with an adoption agency asap as it take 18 months to get your home study approved so you can proceed.

Adoption is wonderful. My best friend told me that while all the paperwork was tedious and there were a couple of babies she had to pass on (medical reports suggested baby was not healthy) it was much easier to deal with than the negative test results of IVF. She knew adoption was a sure thing.

Good luck with your journey. I wish you all the best with starting your family. You deserve it.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Hi Italia!

I''m in the unique position of being both an adoptee AND a future adoptive parent. My twin sister and I were adopted from Korea when we were 5 months old. I''ve never felt drawn to having biological kids and always knew that someday, I would also adopt. My husband knew this from the start and was open to adoption (or else I wouldn''t have married him). We did try to have a biological child first, but we both have fertility issues. We tried IUI 4 times, despite our RE saying that IVF would be our best chance. After the 4th time, we felt like we were wasting our money and time trying to get pregnant, and we were ready to move on to adoption.

To be quite honest, I was relieved when the option of having bio children was taken out of our hands, so to speak. I didn''t want to be pregnant, and am quite happy that I''ll never have to be! I felt that our infertility was telling us that we were not meant to have biological children, and maybe that this was the world''s way of dealing with overpopulation. Our fertility clinic had a program where you could pay $20k for 5 cycles of IVF, and after that, you would get your money back. Seeing as how the RE said we had about a 25% chance of getting pregnant, there was absolutely NO way I was going to put my body through 5 tries. I also have some moral objections to IVF, so it made moving on to adoption a no-brainer for us.

Anyway, for a variety of reasons, we chose Korea to adopt from. I''m not that familiar with domestic adoptions, but from what I understand, the process that matches you with a child is pretty different than that of international adoptions. We started our initial application back in February, and in Sept, were officially placed on the waiting list for a referral. We estimate it could be up to another year before we actually have the baby in hand, but it''ll give us time to save up and wrap our heads around being parents.

If you do adopt, people will question why you adopted domestically, or why you adopted internationally. They will quite rudely ask you if you can''t have kids. They may be so bold as to tell you they could never love a child who wasn''t "theirs." When people say this to me, I always tell them that they presumably love their spouse, who isn''t related to them, so surely they can envision a love for someone unrelated. If your kids are of a different race than you, people will comment. If you''re not sure interracial adoption is for you, ask yourself honestly if you could marry someone of another race. A lot of times, people feel they can ask you all sorts of nosy questions that they would never dream of asking a pregnant woman. It''s going to be interesting for me to deal with that as a parent, having already dealt with it as an adoptee.

Honestly, while some of the process has been annoying (filling out a lot of paperwork, waiting times, etc), I think it''s been pretty easy overall. If you have any more questions, please let me know and I''d be happy to answer. Good luck with your decisions and I definitely think attending an introductory adoption seminar is worth the time.

 

[musey]

Okay, I''m not an adoptive parent, so I don''t know how useful this information will be. And it''s a story that started over 50 years ago, so is somewhat outdated. But I figure if I''ve got any info I should share!

My father-in-law was adopted in the early 1950''s. His mother had had one miscarriage and decided "No more!" Then they went directly to adoption. They found FIL, and I believe it was a closed adoption.

Here the story branches into three... My father-in-law, his mother, and his birth mother.

My father-in-law was told in his early teens that he was adopted. He had a genetic pre-disposition for depression (though he didn''t know it at the time), and that kicked it off. He shook it quite quickly, though. He did feel confused and cut off from his family for many years, and very much wanted his own biological children. When he entered his 40s, he wanted to find his biological family for 2 reasons: one, he just wanted to know them... or at least know about them. Two, he wanted to know his family''s medical history as he was entering middle age and felt it important to know what he was at risk for.

His mother was horrified and hurt, and made no secret of it. She is a very insecure person, and took it quite personally that he wanted to contact his birth parents. She thought it was a reflection on her.

He was allowed to submit letters to the adoption agency, which they forwarded to each of his birth parents. He heard nothing for quite some time, and then was contacted by his biological half-sister on his birth mom''s side. She wanted to meet, but his mother didn''t.

So, he met up with his half-sister during a business trip to their home state. She explained to him why his birth mother couldn''t meet with him: her husband wouldn''t allow it. He threatened to kick her out of their house and serve her with divorce papers if she ever met with him. So, they devised a plan to sneak her out to meet him under the guise of a shopping trip with her daughter. They met and discovered a lot of similarities, and developed a great friendship. She remains in contact with him, and also sends my husband and I cards for birthdays/holidays/etc., but still cannot tell her husband. That''s frustrating for FIL as he''d like to have an open relationship (though not encroach on their family space). But at this point, he''ll take what he can get.

FIL has met 4 half-siblings on that side, and it''s been a lot of fun for him to develop relationships with them. He''s also met his birth father, though that''s sort of a non-story as he is a very strangely un-social man and could care less either way about anyone. Long story, but of no consequence.

As for FIL''s mother... she''s all but cut herself out of his life. She is VERY embittered by the whole situation, and we didn''t realize how bad it was until she refused to attend our wedding last month over it.

It''s ridiculous. We''re all very upset with her, which is a major shame since she is almost certainly nearing the end of her life.


Anyway, I don''t know if any of that is useful to you, but there it is!

 

[musey]

As a side note, the whole experience has quite turned my husband off to adoption (unfortunately

because I would really love to). He would do it if we had fertility issues, and be happy about it, but he would much prefer to have biological children.

It''s a shame, really, because I know that (especially nowadays) things don''t have to get so complicated, or feelings so hurt.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Date: 11/18/2008 9:43:07 PM
Author: musey
As a side note, the whole experience has quite turned my husband off to adoption (unfortunately

because I would really love to). He would do it if we had fertility issues, and be happy about it, but he would much prefer to have biological children.


It''s a shame, really, because I know that (especially nowadays) things don''t have to get so complicated, or feelings so hurt.

Hi Musey-

I''m sorry to hear about your FIL''s experiences. I have a question that maybe you can help me with (and I''m not trying to pick on you or your husband at all!)- I never quite understood when people would relay bad adoption experiences and then generalize that to all adoptions. Do you know what makes your husband think that he wouldn''t have issues with biological children? Granted, I only knew a limited amount of adoptees, but none of them have any issues with their families or with themselves. I know way more biological children who have been in trouble with the law, or estranged from their families, or have major issues. I guess I just see it from the perspective that you''re not guaranteed perfect children if you have biological ones.

Again, please don''t think I''m picking on your husband. I''m just trying to understand the sort of anti-adoption perspective, which is clearly difficult for me to get, since I had a happy childhood, a happy life now, and parents who are very supportive of me doing a birth family search. The only analogy I can kinda wrap my head around is people whose parents have had nasty divorces and then don''t want to get married themselves.

Thanks!

 

[musey]

Date: 11/19/2008 5:45:10 AM
Author: Logan Sapphire
Hi Musey-

I'm sorry to hear about your FIL's experiences. I have a question that maybe you can help me with (and I'm not trying to pick on you or your husband at all!)- I never quite understood when people would relay bad adoption experiences and then generalize that to all adoptions. Do you know what makes your husband think that he wouldn't have issues with biological children? Granted, I only knew a limited amount of adoptees, but none of them have any issues with their families or with themselves. I know way more biological children who have been in trouble with the law, or estranged from their families, or have major issues. I guess I just see it from the perspective that you're not guaranteed perfect children if you have biological ones.

I always hesitate to speak for my husband on issues like this, because sometimes I really don't know if what he's thinking and what he outwardly communicates that he's thinking are the same thing.

From what I can understand, he is not 'generalizing' his (his father's) experience to all adoptions, as he thinks it's a wonderful thing in general--just not for him. He also doesn't assume that he 'wouldn't have issues with biological children.' That would be silly, I don't know why anyone would think that!

In my FIL's case, he was not the one that had the problem. He was a model child, never got into any trouble, was very smart and did well in school, ended up getting his PhD at the age of 25, and has had a fantastically successful career and marriage. His mother, however, struggled with the fact that he was not 'hers' her entire life, it seems. She was constantly paranoid that his birth mother would come out of the woodwork to reclaim him (ridiculous, I know). Part of this stems from her PTSD (she is a German WWII bride) and her inherent neediness. All that is to say that the issues were not with the child, they were with the parent. It was never an issue of "what have we gotten ourselves into with this child?" Just a complication of relationships on top of what was already bound to be a strained parent-child relationship due to the type of person FIL's mother is.

So I suppose your question shouldn't be why my husband thinks he's got a better guarantee of quality kids (ha) if they're biological, because he doesn't. Maybe "why does my husband have a fear of additional psychological/emotional turmoil surrounding the parent-child relationship?" That's all he knows. I know it's unfortunate, and something he should (and will, he's only 24 for pete's sake) work out as he gets older and understands parenting and family more deeply, but it is what it is. I just thought it would be good to share any story. I dunno, it's not a shiny-happy-adoption-story so maybe I shouldn't have put it out there.

Many people feel nervous about adoption in general, because it means a lot of unknowns (especially if you don't have any personal or family experience with it). Having a somewhat natural nervousness compounded with a poor personal experience makes it a lot more difficult.

Again, please don't think I'm picking on your husband. I'm just trying to understand the sort of anti-adoption perspective, which is clearly difficult for me to get, since I had a happy childhood, a happy life now, and parents who are very supportive of me doing a birth family search. The only analogy I can kinda wrap my head around is people whose parents have had nasty divorces and then don't want to get married themselves.

He is in no way anti-adoption. Their whole family thinks it's a wonderful thing! (Well, minus FIL's mother, of course--ironic, since it was her idea in the first place.) And of course they do, because my FIL would have grown up in an orphanage had he not been adopted into a, for the most part, supportive and loving family.


For the record, I have two sets of aunts & uncles that adopted special needs babies. I think it's great. One of them couldn't handle it as he became a teen, and he ended up living in a group home (I was very sad/disappointed at this, but who am I to judge when I don't know what was going on). The other is 21 and lives at home with her parents, and is still trying to complete high school. She wouldn't have made it to middle school, or even lived past 8, if she hadn't been adopted into such a caring home as a baby.

I think adoption is an absolutely wonderful thing. If my husband did not have a negative family experience with it, I'm sure that it's something we'd be seriously considering for our future. Since it's been tough for him and his whole family, I let it slide, until he can work out those issues on his own, since I am not one to push in matters of emotional damage.


***I should point out that all this turmoil is very fresh. FIL sought out his birth parents, which is what pissed off his mother, only 7 or so years ago. It's only been in the past 2 years that it's gone severely downhill with his mother (her constantly slipping in "well, I'm not family, so..." or "maybe Musey'sHubby should go visit his REAL grandma for Christmas," UGH), and only three months ago that she announced her refusal to attend our wedding over it all. So it's not like the dust has settled on this. Time heals all wounds, but there's been NO time for him to heal. I honestly can hardly blame him for being less than jazzed about the idea right now!!

I hope that explains things. I hope I didn't sound too defensive--but these are really fresh wounds... not just for him, but for me, too.

 

[mia1181]

Musey sorry to hear about your FIL. The good news is that nowadays children are told that they are adopted right from the beginning. There is a lot less turmoil surrounding a child who finds out in their teens "surprise you were adopted!" Typically parents looking to adopt today are required to take classes that explain that this isn''t a situation where you can pretend that the child is biologically yours. Also they learn that they need to be sensitive to the fact that the children are going to want to know about their birth parents. That is why open adoptions are so popular now. I personally wouldn''t be comfortable with a completely open adoption, but if I ever adopted I would want my child to have as much information possible about his birth parents. Many adoption agencies try to weed out adoptive parents who will be like your FIL''s mom.

 

[Logan Sapphire]

Thanks for responding Musey. I certainly didn''t mean to put you on the defensive, so if I did, I''m really sorry. I probably came off as rude or defensive myself, which I suppose, I am, a little bit! I definitely don''t think adoption should be presented as a panacea with no downsides, so I think it''s really helpful to hear about your FIL (though obviously sad). I''m off to the gym now but do want to respond to your post later.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I''m sorry I am late to this thread, but I am a huge adoption proponent and wanted to encourage you! We have two children by birth and the third was adopted from China at 6 months old. To make this brief, I can assure you that she is loved every bit as much as the other two!

What I will say is to be smart about adoption. There are high risk adoption situations and many of us are not cut out for those. As described in an earlier post, you do have to be concerned about babies born to drug addicts or the mentally ill or babies who have spent time with abusive parents. They may bear scars that love cannot undo. This is something to especially be aware of with domestic adoption. For that reason, I encourage international adoption, but even then, you still have to be careful. Some countries have high alcoholism rates (Russia) and therefore more fetal alcohol syndrome. Some in the past had dismal orphanage conditions and the babies did not get enough attention. There are healthy babies in all countries, but you just need to be educated about it. We found China to have fewer problems than most countries, but now the wait is very long to adopt from there.

That last paragraph doesn''t sound very encouraging, but when you do the research, you can have an excellent experience. We know many children adopted from China and Korea, and all the children are doing wonderfully. I would encourage you to adopt an infant as young as possible, too.

When we went to China to get our daughter, we went with 11 other families. There were childless couples with us who had been through years of fertility treatment and failed domestic adoptions. I think without exception, they would all tell you that they wish they had adopted sooner. One actually returned home with a baby from China, gave birth to a baby a year or two later, and then went back to China to adopt their third child! Then there were other families, like us, who already had children and adore all our children equally. Adoption is not a consolation prize, it is a sincere privilege and blessing. Our third child is as much "ours" as the other two are. And I''ll just add, I AM her real mom...the lady that gave birth to her is her birthmother.

Our adoption agency:

http://www.cwa.org/

Let me know if you have other questions.