About the ex-boyfriends

[fisherofmengirly]

Do any of you keep in touch with your exes? How does that work out with your husband?

I ask because from time to time, I wonder how my ex (who I was also engaged to for an ever brief moment in time before I got my head straight. Seriously, less than 3 weeks) is doing, or I wonder about common friends we had that I no longer have any contact with. And he had a serious heart attack within several months of our break up, so I think a part of me thinks I should have been there, and if I had, maybe it wouldn''t have happened. Ridiculous, I know.

Anyway, by that time I had already met my fabulous Paul.

But I do still think about the ex, not in a longing way at all, but in a "I wonder what ever happened to..." kind of a way.

Last year, Paul also got to wondering about his ex (from many years prior to our meeting) and googled her online. He found out that she died only two days before we met in 2005. Isn''t that crazy odd? Anyway, it hit him in a really strong way, even after having no contact with her in years and years and years.

I think that mostly I wonder about the health of my ex, due to the serious health issues he had, and then added to that, the heart attack that he had after our break up. By the way, I only know about the heart attack because his mother (who hated me) called to tell me it had happened and to ask what I was planning to do about it. Yeah, didn''t make sense to me, either.

Anyway, I have no idea why it came to mind again tonight, other than maybe because I was just talking to a good friend of mine who came across an ex of hers in an entirely different state than where they lived while dating over the past weekend. Isn''t life funny that way?

She (my friend) was talking about how funny it is that life brings people in and out of our lives and that at the time, she was so sure that her ex was "the one," and at one time I had convinced myself that my ex was "the one," too, but wow, I never knew what I had in store before meeting Paul.

I guess it would be nice to know he''s not dead. But I won''t, haven''t, made any attempts to contact him since we broke up nearly 4 years ago. He was kind of stalkery on me there for a while and would call and drive by my house and things like that. Saw me with Paul one time and called and told me I was cheating on him, and didn''t I know that he was my husband (again, engaged for less than a month). It was crazy. I think he''s gotten past that phase and I''m happy about that.

Anyway, I just was wondering if any of you keep in contact with any of your exes, and how your spouses respond to that. And what about your husbands keeping in touch with exes? Inquiring minds want to know.

 

[MishB]

I haven''t really, but that is mostly because I now live in a different city, I don''t have any local exes, no excuse in the days of technology I know. I''ve only ever had one acrimonious break up, so I do often wonder how my exes are (fiance in my early 20''s and 2 live in relationships), but that''s about it, I wouldn''t particularly want any ongoing contact, but I still do wonder if they are ok and happy. I think that''s just natural if you did have a happy relationship with someone once. Not all relationships end badly, some just run their course, so a residual fondness for someone isn''t a sin, in my eyes. If I ever run into any mutal friends I always ask about them, are they married/kids/happy. I have just discovered facebook and I did search a couple of exes, but I know I would never had contacted them, I was just curious.

I don''t think my husband does either, I don''t even know the names of any of his exes.

 

[neatfreak]

My personal thought on this is that if you even have to **ask** if it''s ok, it probably isn''t. Because to me if you have to ask your motives aren''t completely altruistic.

That being said, I don''t keep in touch with my exes except one. And I wouldn''t have to question whether it''s ok with my DH because there''s nothing shady about the situation at all.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Gosh, I didn''t even think about the most positive break up I had. My first boyfriend and I broke up when I was 22, and he was such a blessing in my life. I still consider him a close friend and we check in on one another from time to time. It was hard to begin with, because he was my first love *but not my true love.* I would cry when he called and things like that, but that stopped over time. He''s a sweet guy and I still hope he''ll be led to the right woman for him. Our lives were just headed in different directions. I guess I think of him more as a friend than an ex, because he didn''t even come to mind in this topic.

He told me on his 25th bday he didn''t think he''d ever be getting married, and now he''s 31, and never been married, but I still think the right woman will come along for him. He''s kind of married to his job (firefighter), but I think he''ll find the woman who can help him balance between the two.

Hmm... Paul even talks to him. I guess that means he doesn''t have a problem with my talking to an old boyfriend, then.

 

[somethingshiny]

I agree with Neatfreak''s post.

I do not keep in touch with old boyfriends. One of my old boyfriends (who was DH''s friend first) still talks to DH occasionally. But we broke up for a reason, and that reason still holds true.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Date: 11/6/2008 7:31:42 PM
Author: neatfreak
My personal thought on this is that if you even have to **ask** if it''s ok, it probably isn''t. Because to me if you have to ask your motives aren''t completely altruistic.

That being said, I don''t keep in touch with my exes except one. And I wouldn''t have to question whether it''s ok with my DH because there''s nothing shady about the situation at all.

I agree with this, neatfreak. I don''t think anything shady at all, but just wondered how different people make these decisions. I think some spouses are more of a jealous nature than others, and that also plays into the scenario, I would assume. If Paul ever didn''t think I should have contact with an ex, I would talk to him about why, but would also respect his opinion.

I''ve not thought about my ex in ages, and for whatever reason, he came to mind today and since I''m sick and bored.

 

[mimzy]

i still keep in touch with my ex boyfriends on a pretty casual level (some more than others). i was friends with all of them for a long time before we started dating, and we still have whatever made us friends in the first place between us for the most part. it used to bother my FI a bit, but he''s gotten over it the longer we''ve been together, especially because he knows that the friendships are *that* important to me.

i do have one ex, who is my most ''serious'' i guess (dated 3 years) that i don''t talk to anymore, but it''s not really on purpose. but we have a sort of complicated history that involves a lot of him thinking that we were going to get back together (over several years after we broke up) and the last time i talked to him on the phone i told him i was engaged. he came over that night (which he hadn''t done in the 3 years that we''d been broken up for) and we had a talk. he tried to give me back some stuff, but i said i didn''t want it (mostly pictures and momentos, etc). he drove to new york that night (i think?) and i haven''t heard from him since (this was in december). his phone is always dead, his email shoots back an auto response, he closed his facebook page, and none of his friends know what''s happened to him

. i''m really really worried about him because he has a history of v. depressive behavior (i.e. failing 2 years (not consecutive) of school because he couldn''t get out of bed). it''s been really hard not knowing how he''s doing, but i know that if i go too far out of my way to contact him it might not be good. i have a lot of guilt (a LOT) about our breakup and his well being and i''m still trying to let it all go (i have a reoccurring dream where i see him and he is just so sad and it''s the same every time). he''s a great guy and i''d do almost anything to have him be happy, but i know it''s probably best that i just let it fade. sigh...

 

[Miranda]

I don''t ever talk to ex boyfriends. My mom gets her hair done at the same salon my ex boyfriend''s mom goes to so I hear about the ex BF from time to time. I do have a long time male friend I have lunch with occasionally and email from time to time. DH has never indicated that this is a problem.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Date: 11/6/2008 8:14:05 PM
Author: mimzy
i still keep in touch with my ex boyfriends on a pretty casual level (some more than others). i was friends with all of them for a long time before we started dating, and we still have whatever made us friends in the first place between us for the most part. it used to bother my FI a bit, but he''s gotten over it the longer we''ve been together, especially because he knows that the friendships are *that* important to me.

i do have one ex, who is my most ''serious'' i guess (dated 3 years) that i don''t talk to anymore, but it''s not really on purpose. but we have a sort of complicated history that involves a lot of him thinking that we were going to get back together (over several years after we broke up) and the last time i talked to him on the phone i told him i was engaged. he came over that night (which he hadn''t done in the 3 years that we''d been broken up for) and we had a talk. he tried to give me back some stuff, but i said i didn''t want it (mostly pictures and momentos, etc). he drove to new york that night (i think?) and i haven''t heard from him since (this was in december). his phone is always dead, his email shoots back an auto response, he closed his facebook page, and none of his friends know what''s happened to him

. i''m really really worried about him because he has a history of v. depressive behavior (i.e. failing 2 years (not consecutive) of school because he couldn''t get out of bed). it''s been really hard not knowing how he''s doing, but i know that if i go too far out of my way to contact him it might not be good. i have a lot of guilt (a LOT) about our breakup and his well being and i''m still trying to let it all go (i have a reoccurring dream where i see him and he is just so sad and it''s the same every time). he''s a great guy and i''d do almost anything to have him be happy, but i know it''s probably best that i just let it fade. sigh...

Mimzy,

I know what you''re feeling, at least to a degree. My ex went through some scary reactions when he found out I was engaged, too. It was really heartbreaking to hear his reactions and words and the things he said he was going to do. I had to make a clean break, and I did, but it doesn''t stop you from wondering if they''re okay. I used to get random emails from him, but I don''t anymore. I think that leads me to wonder if his heart is doing well or not. That and because there are family members who are experiencing health issues, it makes you think about other people in that situation, too.

Anyway, I hope your ex is doing okay, and you''re right, letting it fade is for the best. I''d hate to have the reactions start up again just on account of my wanting to be sure that someone is okay. It''s not worth the drama. And the heartache for the other person.

It''s sad to think it''s your fault, but I know that feeling well, too. Just know that life takes turns for a reason. You''re in a good spot now, and all you can do is hope that he will find a spot that suits him well, too. And soon!

 

[Hera]

I do keep in contact with my exboyfriend through e-mail. I think my husband was insecure about it a little at first but never says anything about it now. It''s a really non issue. I think I have explained to him many times how wrong my ex boyfriend was for me and I think he feels more secure in our relationship that he knows I''m not going anywhere.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 11/6/2008 8:32:02 PM
Author: fisherofmengirly

Date: 11/6/2008 8:14:05 PM
Mimzy,

I know what you''re feeling, at least to a degree. My ex went through some scary reactions when he found out I was engaged, too. It was really heartbreaking to hear his reactions and words and the things he said he was going to do. I had to make a clean break, and I did, but it doesn''t stop you from wondering if they''re okay. I used to get random emails from him, but I don''t anymore. I think that leads me to wonder if his heart is doing well or not. That and because there are family members who are experiencing health issues, it makes you think about other people in that situation, too.


Anyway, I hope your ex is doing okay, and you''re right, letting it fade is for the best. I''d hate to have the reactions start up again just on account of my wanting to be sure that someone is okay. It''s not worth the drama. And the heartache for the other person.


It''s sad to think it''s your fault, but I know that feeling well, too. Just know that life takes turns for a reason. You''re in a good spot now, and all you can do is hope that he will find a spot that suits him well, too. And soon!

thanks fisher, it''s nice to know that i''m in good company. and to the bolded part, absolutely....that''s pretty much what i''ve reduced it down to. i was very tempted to send him a letter with some pictures of his family that i had found and to sort of say goodbye, but after thinking it over i realized it would be very self-serving and wouldn''t likely do him any good, especially considering that he knows how i feel about him and that i wish him the best. i know that i would never refuse him contact, but it''s not my place to push it on him when it''s clear that''s not what he wants.

i hope that your sympathetic curiosity is somehow put to rest!

 

[steph72276]

Hmmm, I didn''t read the other responses, but just me personally, I think it is a slippery slope. You have to ask yourself how you would feel if your hubby was in contact with his exes. I don''t know...you might be totally fine with that. Me, nope wouldn''t feel too good about it, so I wouldn''t do that to him. That''s just how I always try to look at things in my marriage...if it would hurt my feelings if he did something, then I won''t do it to him.

 

[Sabine]

I have an ex that I''ve known since middle school that I still relatively keep in touch with. He is currently in Korea teaching English as a second language, so I do like to hear from him from time to time to know he''s okay. And since we grew up in the same area, if there are times that we both know we are in town, we might get together for a lunch. My dh isn''t his greatest fan (I think mostly because dh and I went to school together too, although we didn''t know each other, and my ex hung out in a group that my dh wasn''t a fan of), but he accepts that I still like to have occasional contact with him with no problems. But I make sure to be extra sensitive to anything that could make dh even more uncomfortable. It also is kinda interesting that my ex is friends with my dh''s brother, so we see him sometimes through that.

I think I''m lucky in that my dh hadn''t really dated anyone before me, because I am the more jealous of the two of us, so I don''t know how I would feel. In my head I know it''s okay to keep in contact (otherwise I totally wouldn''t), but it still might bother me.

 

[gailrmv]

I keep in touch with two exes once in a while just on email (maybe a couple times a year). Each lives several states away and I haven't seen either one in years. My DH doesn't mind at all. He's met both of them and got along with them. It's totally benign. It probably helps that both of my exess are happily married. I would not mind a bit if DH kept in touch with exes in the same way that I do. It is only if there was ANY flirting or that sort of thing that I would be uncomfortable, but neither of us has to worry.

Fisher, you mentioned wanting to know if your ex is still alive. If you really want to know, google the social security death index. You can search him by name (and if he has a common name, you can add his birthdate or year, or state of residence, to the search.) Totally anonymous and hopefully will give you some peace of mind.

 

[Courtneylub]

I kept in touch with exes during my first marriage and my husband at the time kept in touch with his exes. I would have to say that it isn''t a great idea...from personal experience. We were younger so that may have had a lot to do with it also.

In my current marriage, we don''t keep in touch with exes at all. It''s much better that way. No worries about anything at all. They''re your exes for a reason.

 

[Haven]

I''m torn on this question because I think the right answer really depends on your relationship with your ex.
If you or the ex EVER mentions wanting to be with you again, or wants to reminisce about the good old days when you were together, then I''d say it is not a good thing to keep in touch.

On the other hand, if you are keeping in touch with the ex and it is truly a friendship with no underlying hopes for a reunion on either side, then I think it''s fine.

The question is about figuring out which category under which you fall.

I only had one serious long-term relationship before I met my husband. My ex and I dated for over four years, and we were loosely engaged for the last two years of the relationship. We rarely spoke for several years after we broke up, but my ex would call me randomly and it was clear that he still wanted to be with me. I told him to never call me again until he was in a serious relationship. He listened. We speak from time to time on the phone, and I''ve never felt like it was wrong to be doing so. My husband knows about him and about our past, and he is completely fine with it.

In my case, at least, this ex of mine was a huge part of one period of my life--college. All of my college memories are tied up with him, as well as my college friends. And he was a great friend before we got together.

If I had to question it at all, though, as Neatfreak said, I wouldn''t talk to him.

 

[diamondfan]

I sometimes do wonder, in a sort of non wistful way. But somethings are best left unexplored, it is hard to say. How easy is it for someone to truly be friends with an ex while in a relationship? There are so many variables it really is hard to say for sure. Google now gives you a way to check in and see things sometimes, things that are informative without opening a door to trouble.

 

[gailrmv]

I think Haven summed up my opinion exactly. Well said!

To clarify, regarding my exes, both are from high school (I met DH when I was in college). Both relationships were important at the time, but neither was someone I envisioned my long term future with. Both were very close friends of mine and remained so after we broke up. We more or less exchange holiday cards and maybe birthday greetings in a quick, how's work how's your family kind of way. One ex sent me photos of his new baby the other day. I mean, if that's not benign I don't know what is. If there were any reminiscing, flirting or what-ifs, it would be inappropriate, but there is not. I would be 100% happy to show DH the emails but he trusts me and wouldn't ask. In a case like mine, I think it's perfectly fine and actually quite nice to retain a very casual friendship with someone who was a big part of my life over a decade ago.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I had two serious relationships before meeting DH... one with my highschool sweetheart that lasted from when I was 17-19, and then another that went from when I was 23-26 (I met DH soon after that relationship ended, 4 years ago this week!). I lived with this second boyfriend.

Anyhoo, the first split was friendly and we have kept tabs on each other over the years, but have lost touch more recently. I think of him often. He got married about 6 months before DH and I got married, which was interesting timing!

My second EX is another story since it was not a good breakup and it was not a good relationship. My DH absolutely hates this EX, because of how the EX treated me etc. I think it is also a sore spot for DH that the EX and I had only really stopped contact completely around the time that DH and I started dating, so for the first few months of our relationship DH had secret fears that the EX would show up and I would go off with him... he only told me about these fears much later, I never knew of them at the time. DH is generally a secure man and certainly trusts me, but he has such a strong hate-on for this EX that I try to avoid ever mentioning him or anything. It works out well since I have a bit of a hate-on for him too

I have no interest in talking to him or seeing him ever again in my life, but I know people who know him and so I have some idea of where he is and what he is doing. He contacted me a few years ago to try and maintain a friendship, but I blew him off. He obviously has no conception of how poorly he treated me or he wouldn't have had to guts to be all friendly like that.

On a related note, we have photo albums on a shelf in our living room. I like to create scrap books of my trips, and when I moved away from hom I created a photo album of fmily photos to take with me. So there are a couple family albums of mine, and a couple albums of trips I took solo (Europe etc), and an album from a trip DH and I took... and there is an album of a trip that the EX and I took to europe too. Last week, DH was looking through these albums on a lazy Sunday and for the first time he mentioned that he would like me to store the vacation album with the EX somwhere else. He didn't like it on display in the living room. I haven't moved it because I feel it is a part of my life and there are nice pictures in there other than the one's with the stinky EX, but I am thinking I might put it away since it bothers him... DH is generally not the jealous type, but he is wholly unreasonable when it comes to this EX!

 

[kama_s]

My very last ex (we had a pretty serious relationship then) is now married to a friend of mine....who I also happen to work with! He and I ended things on a really sour note (our familes got involved, it just was NOT pretty and I didnt want anything to do with that anymore). It does get a tad bit awkward, especially when she would say something about him and then say to me ''you know how he is'' or you know how his famiyl does/says this''. Plus. I''m sure details of my life get to the other side as well, which is certainly something I''m not comfortable with. Anyways, so my solution is to try and avoid telling her personal details, and I always refer to him as her ''hubby'' and not by his name! When we go out together, I only offer the basic niceties (hey, how are you? How is residency? and that''s IT).

But it''s only human to be curious about your exes. I have googled my exes from high school a bunch of times - I have no intention of contacting them. Most have contacted me at some point (via e-mail or phone), but I''ve never responded. I''m just not interested in keeping in contact, there''s a reason we''re not together!

 

[Mannequin]

Fishie, I understand the curiosity about what an ex is up to. It''s totally ok, but in your case I would not pursue it. Sounds like your ex might take the interaction poorly.

Since I dumped my ex-fiance, I have only contacted him to tell him to pick up his furniture and stuff, and to tell him about my mother''s successful cancer treatment, seeing as she was a part of his life during the 4.5 years we dated. Beyond that, no contact. He''s an ex for a reason. I regularly see and talk to his step-cousin, a dear friend of mine, and I still keep in touch with some of our mutual friends from that time in my life. One of my girlfriends saw him at a Spanish teachers'' conference a few weeks ago, so i know he''s moving along with life and he''s alive, but I really have no interest in talking to him. I just privately wish him well and hope that he finds his way.

 

[zoebartlett]

I actually ran into an exboyfriend of mine a few months ago. We broke up years and years ago but we tried to be friends for a while after taking some time apart. Well, the friendship thing didn''t work out and we lost touch 8 years ago. When my husband and I moved to our condo three years ago, I knew it was near where my exboyfriend lived (or had lived when I knew him). I saw him at the post office and we chatted for a bit. I told him that I was engaged and we talked about that and about how work was going for both of us. It felt weird to see him again. We haven''t seen each other since and although we exchanged e-mail addresses, I don''t think either one of us had any intention of keeping in touch.

 

[fisherofmengirly]

Date: 11/7/2008 6:51:52 PM
Author: equestrienne
Fishie, I understand the curiosity about what an ex is up to. It''s totally ok, but in your case I would not pursue it. Sounds like your ex might take the interaction poorly.

Since I dumped my ex-fiance, I have only contacted him to tell him to pick up his furniture and stuff, and to tell him about my mother''s successful cancer treatment, seeing as she was a part of his life during the 4.5 years we dated. Beyond that, no contact. He''s an ex for a reason. I regularly see and talk to his step-cousin, a dear friend of mine, and I still keep in touch with some of our mutual friends from that time in my life. One of my girlfriends saw him at a Spanish teachers'' conference a few weeks ago, so i know he''s moving along with life and he''s alive, but I really have no interest in talking to him. I just privately wish him well and hope that he finds his way.

Hey, Equestrienne!

It''s good to see you around!!

Yeah, I''m not contacting the ex. It took him over two years since breaking up to get him to leave me alone. Not doing that at all. I just had a wandering thought about him, you know, where he is now, how he is, the like... and thought I''d ask PS what contact they have with their exs.

One of his dear friends really became a friend of mine during that time in my life, too. We email occassionally. I just got an email from her recently (where Thomas is rarely mentioned). Her son is going to be 7. Gosh, time FLIES. He was two years old last time I saw him, well almost three years old.

How''s life been treating you, girly?