The inlaws are coming....

[anchor31]

my DH didn''t like it and said to me "don''t make me choose between you or my parents, because I know who I will pick". My SIL was appalled, and commented on this again today. I told her that this is typical - I have heard this for years.

You know what I would have said? "FINE." Part of being married means that YOU should come BEFORE anyone else. Anyone. I know I''ve said it before, but I''m going to say it again... this is unacceptable. I''m sorry to say this, but to me, this is a form of infidelity. You deserve better than this. It''s not just your in-laws you need to stand up to, but your husband. He''s either married to you, or he''s not. If he wants to be, he''ll have to grow up and put you and his son OVER his parents. If he can''t do that, then he doesn''t deserve you or any woman.

I''m sorry.

 

[Madam Bijoux]

The minute they pull something, sit them down and tell them "Behave or be gone". My mother went through years of insults from a SIL. One day, one insult became one too many and she told the SIL to get out and never come back. She told my father that if he wanted to see his sister, he would have to go to her house. Sometimes that''s the only thing that works.

 

[LitigatorChick]

Good morning everyone. I took no offense to anyone''s comments - you have all been so kind and wonderful in expressing your views and advise. I appreciate every one of you.

Learned more last night. SIL called to let me in on a little secret. BIL had a prior common law wife, let''s call her Z. They had 2 kids together. When I first was dating my DH, Z and BIL were together. However, I have never ever met Z. She always vanished and took her kids whenever FIL and MIL arrived. FIL and MIL have constantly insulted her and described her as a certifiable nut-bar. I knew nothing of the situation, so dismissed it at that. Well, since Z and BIL split, Z has gotten the kids and they say (who knows) that Z refuses to let them see BIL. BIL is very hurt. Well what do FIL and MIL do? They go behind BIL''s back (their son) and arrange with Z (who they have called basically the devil) to have secret visits with the kids. BIL recently learned and was devastated. SIL lost it on them.

These people are crazy. I am not worried for my safety, but they are seriously dysfunctional people. My counsellor agrees, especially about FIL. He is a disturbed man. As I have stated before, he has a serious issue with women, and strong women like SIL, Z and I obviously make him insane.

I''m working on a script of what to say to these people. Once I have something prepared, I''ll post.

I can''t stress enough how great everyone is. This is the most serious issue in my marriage and family life by far. It is taking every bit of my power to keep myself together and keep my anxiety under control. You guys are just great.

 

[neatfreak]

LC, I totally agree that these people are certifiably nuts. Don't negotiate with terrorists, ok?

But on another note, I have to say that I am really really worried about your relationship with your husband...it just is NOT healthy for him to say that this mommy and daddy are more important than you and Miller. Full stop. End of story. YOU AND MILLER need to be his priority, and if you are not, THAT is the bigger problem here. Not your inlaws. Your DH needs to stand up for you.

I think HE needs a talking to before the inlaws do truthfully! You are a wonderful person and don't deserve this from someone who is supposed to be your partner.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 7/10/2008 9:29:17 AM
Author: neatfreak
LC, I totally agree that these people are certifiably nuts. Don't negotiate with terrorists, ok?

But on another note, I have to say that I am really really worried about your relationship with your husband...it just is NOT healthy for him to say that this mommy and daddy are more important than you and Miller. Full stop. End of story. YOU AND MILLER need to be his priority, and if you are not, THAT is the bigger problem here. Not your inlaws. Your DH needs to stand up for you.

I think HE needs a talking to before the inlaws do truthfully! You are a wonderful person and don't deserve this from someone who is supposed to be your partner.

Big ditto. Your DH has to get his priorities straight!!! YOU and YOUR SON are what should be important to him, NOT his parents!! I wish there was more we could do to help, but I am concerned about your situation, and I agree with Neat and everyone else that your Husband needs a good talking to first!!

If you do nothing, this is the way your life is going to be, not what you want and you need to take a firm stand for your son's sake.

 

[princesss]

Date: 7/10/2008 9:29:17 AM
Author: neatfreak
LC, I totally agree that these people are certifiably nuts. Don''t negotiate with terrorists, ok?

But on another note, I have to say that I am really really worried about your relationship with your husband...it just is NOT healthy for him to say that this mommy and daddy are more important than you and Miller. Full stop. End of story. YOU AND MILLER need to be his priority, and if you are not, THAT is the bigger problem here. Not your inlaws. Your DH needs to stand up for you.

I think HE needs a talking to before the inlaws do truthfully! You are a wonderful person and don''t deserve this from someone who is supposed to be your partner.

DITTO. He''s putting people who have abused him over his wife and child. I have no words to describe how much this hurts just to read. *hug* Honey, you seem to realize the problem is with your husband, and as a strong woman, I hope that you keep your eyes open to the situation. It does not bode well for the future, so please, if it gets worse (he''s already belittling you by not acknowledging your emotions as valid) make sure you have a way to protect Miller, okay? I''m worried that he''ll slowly begin to mimic his father, and I don''t want Miller to suffer.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Honey, I have no advice for you other than wat all the others have said, their advice has been wonderful. All I can say is that if MY inlaws treated my that way I would never stand for it and they would be gone. And hubby would just need to play by my rules wrt their visits! If he were the type to disrespect me so much that he would say I was "too sensitive," disregard my feelings and desires, or that he would choose his parents over me, well I''m sorry, but he would be gone too. I was raised by a single mother, so I have no fear of being a single mother if it comes to that. Although I will work with my husband and on my marriage until the ends of the earth, I will absolutely not tolerate disrespect. That just isn''t a part of a marriage or a friendship in my books!

I don''t know everything about your marriage, but I do want to make an observation that you can dismiss if it doesn''t apply. You charaterized this issue with his parents as the biggest issue in your marriage. It may be, but I also wonder if it is the only issue where you have strongly and continually disagreed with something he also feels strongly about? In relationships, some situations are what are called "diagnostic situations." Typically, it is a situation where you require your partner to give up or compromise their wishes/needs/desires for you. If such a situation never arises, usually because one partner always gives in to the other, or because one never asks too much of the other, then the relationship can be great. But when a situation like you are in arises when you feel strongly enough about something that you will not avoid or back down, then the true colors of one''s relationship can come out. In a good relationship, when a diagnostic situation arises, both partners listen to one another and a compromise is reached, and each partner takes turns compromising. But that isn''t what is happening for you. This may be a diagnostic situation for your marriage, and one that you should not over look. His refusal to listen to you compassionately and to work with you on this is a big issue that has implication not just for this specific situation, but for any future time that you need him to compromise his desires for you, and also for his views of the power dynamics in the relationship. Threatening to leave you if you don''t toe the line wrt his parents is a bully tactic, pure and simple. It speaks volumes. Please listen to it.

 

[Babyblue033]

How will your DH react if you stood up for yourself and confronted your ILs? I just want to make sure that he won''t react badly and turn on you for doing that, given his past reactions about his parents

That would be totally wrong but I didn''t want you to be blindsided...

I think it''s terrible that your DH won''t stand up for you, when this obviously is a huge issue for you. I have a difficult future SIL who''s a bully and I have no mechanism for dealing with bullies and crumbles like dries leaves at the first sign of confrontation

My FI understands this, and regardless of how unreasonable my fears are sometimes he ALWAYS stands up for me against his family. Otherwise I couldn''t even consider marrying him knowing I''ll have to deal with his family.

 

[~*Snow*~]

Date: 7/10/2008 10:03:08 AM
Author: princesss

Date: 7/10/2008 9:29:17 AM
Author: neatfreak
LC, I totally agree that these people are certifiably nuts. Don''t negotiate with terrorists, ok?

But on another note, I have to say that I am really really worried about your relationship with your husband...it just is NOT healthy for him to say that this mommy and daddy are more important than you and Miller. Full stop. End of story. YOU AND MILLER need to be his priority, and if you are not, THAT is the bigger problem here. Not your inlaws. Your DH needs to stand up for you.

I think HE needs a talking to before the inlaws do truthfully! You are a wonderful person and don''t deserve this from someone who is supposed to be your partner.

DITTO. He''s putting people who have abused him over his wife and child. I have no words to describe how much this hurts just to read. *hug* Honey, you seem to realize the problem is with your husband, and as a strong woman, I hope that you keep your eyes open to the situation. It does not bode well for the future, so please, if it gets worse (he''s already belittling you by not acknowledging your emotions as valid) make sure you have a way to protect Miller, okay? I''m worried that he''ll slowly begin to mimic his father, and I don''t want Miller to suffer.

Ditto, Ditto, Ditto.

It becomes a whole new playing field when you have children. If you didn''t have Miller, i would be the first one to say "Screw everyone else you love your DH stick it out if you want" BUT when you have small children, the become your first priority. Would you want your future Daughter in law treated the same way you are being treated by your husband?! I sure hope not! And don''t think that Miller won''t pick up on the way your DH acts, Actions speak louder then words...
Hope that''s not to harsh... If it weren''t for your child, I wouldn''t have said anything...

 

[diamondfan]

I am not going to say your hubby should not love his parents. YOU do not have to. And honestly, he took vows which would indicate that you and now your son are his priorities. It is not about him loving them. He needs to have a spine. You are his partner, his parents are not more important than you and your child. So this is about respect, boundaries, priorities. Your husband is not a child any longer. He needs to stand up to them, with no malice, but he must not allow the lines to continue to be crossed. For your sake and your sons, this needs to be addressed now. It is more about him and his relationship with them and how he handles it and how it affects you and your son.

 

[katebar]

I had a similar problem albeit for a short time after we moved states. They seemed to ''blame'' me for taking their son away even though he was the one that got the new job interstate.
I now realise that MIL was sad and angry to ''lose'' us. She adored my daughter and it literally broke her heart when we left but her way of dealing with her loss was to take it out on me.
Everytime they came to visit all she did was attack me as I went out of my way to be loving and kind. Waited on them hand and foot and she just sunk the boot in when ever she could. My husband would laugh when they left and say "Yes she''s a cow" but he never EVER backed me up and quite frankly it nearly destroyed our marriage.
I used to cry and plead with him to say something but he never would (his brother did when she tried the treatment on my SIL but that''s another story).
Finally one night I cracked and told her I was no longer going to tolerate her vicious attacks. DH sat there looking distressed but said nothing. More fuming so I decided right there and then not to see them anymore and he could make up any old excuse he wanted.
Then she rang me a month later on my birthday to wish me ''happy'' birthday and she ATTACKED. Said some terrible things to me and I told her that was her opinion and if she couldn''t be civil to me then we had nothing fruther to say.
I decided then to cease all contact with her. No phone call no grand kid updates no photos no presents NOTHING.
I knew my lame husband who was a poor communicator at the best of times would not step up to the plate so for a year they got nothing. The kids and he went to visit them but i never did. He sent them gift vouchers and cards for birthdays an Xmas but they got nothing from me.
Then i started to send them photos but no written or verbal contact.
She then started to ring me and play nice.
That was 10 years ago and I have an awesome relationship with them. I know they adore me and they tell often how much I mean to them.
Now when they visit I still am my nice self waiting on them etc but now they gush and never ever say anything bad about me!
I am really happy that MIL lost her bitterness and was prepared to change but I know i had to be the one to make a tough stance.
Is my husband weak? Well he hates confrontation but seriously I had to choose whether I would allow his silence and lack of support to eat away at me and our relationship. In the 99% of our llife he is wonderful so I chose to put this one down to his issues and not anything about me.
Take care and good luck.

 

[LitigatorChick]

I want to respond to a lot of the comments above, but first, here is my draft "script":

"Our relationship has never been easy over the past 12 years. It has particularly deteriorated since Miller was born. All of us have playing a role in getting the situation to where it is today.

That said, I take responsibility for my negative contribution to the relationship and further, I forgive others for the same. I intend to move forward and I would like to have a positive relationship with you. This will include the enforcement of appropriate boundaries concerning me and Miller. Are you also willing to move forward in this way?"

Thoughts?

 

[LitigatorChick]

I have spent much of the past 12 years with my DH wishing that he would address the situation with his parents. I believe that this hope has got me into the situation I am in. I suffer the inlaws'' abuse, hoping DH will deal with it, and he won''t. In fact, he makes me feel worse.

I can''t even come close to understanding why DH acts this way. He actually moved out of his parent''s home when he was 16 because of the emotional and physical abuse of his father, and worked to finish high school. He then worked after high school and eventually put himself through university. From the time he was 16 until he was about 20, he had no contact with his parents. Gradually, he had more contact, and now he treats them as completely perfect.

One thing I am working on is dealing with situations head on. My past pattern has been to ignore, ignore, ignore, until finally it gets to be too much, and I have a breakdown. I hate confrontation on a personal level and avoid it all costs.

That is why I want to have a script ready to start the visit and comments I can anticipate for their inappropriateness. If I have a script, I can just spew that out, as my heart raises and I feel like crawling in a hole.

Thank you thank you thank you. Really, you are all the best. Katebar, I almost cried as I read your post, as it sounds like so much of my past with the inlaws. DiamondFan, you can''t even know how much I value your insight. Dreamer, you are such a great woman, and your comments are so helpful.

 

[LitigatorChick]

Just continuing from above. Technical difficulties.

Neatfreak, Lorelei, Princess, Snow, Madam Bijoux, Penn, your comments are so appreciated. Really.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 7/11/2008 8:43:19 AM
Author: LitigatorChick
I want to respond to a lot of the comments above, but first, here is my draft ''script'':

''Our relationship has never been easy over the past 12 years. It has particularly deteriorated since Miller was born. All of us have playing a role in getting the situation to where it is today.

That said, I take responsibility for my negative contribution to the relationship and further, I forgive others for the same. I intend to move forward and I would like to have a positive relationship with you. This will include the enforcement of appropriate boundaries concerning me and Miller. Are you also willing to move forward in this way?''

Thoughts?

My worry is that by commenting on the realtionship you are "inviting" them to talk about how they feel about the relationship with you, and you don''t want that. Also, they may get defensive if you openly say, "Our relationship isn''t good" because, if they have this type of relationship with everyone, maybe they don''t see it as "not good"? I think the script you have written may be a great thing to say to your DH if you need to prepare him for how you plan to handle the inlaws, since you don''t want him getting pissy when you put your foot down. But in dealing with the inlaws I''d simply stick to the planned statements if/when they do wrong things. Script those all out and have them ready. They do not need nor deserve your emotional energy, and I really worry that if you prepare them for a fight with the conversation you are proposing you will end up in a bigger fight.

Take it on a blow by blow basis, and try to let the smaller stuff roll off your back. Maybe make a list of all the bad stuff they have done/could do. THen order those behaviors from least offensive to most offensive. Then, figure out what is the point where you want to react. For the least offensive stuff, I think ignoring it is the best. For the minor to moderate you may use a humorous comeback. Then for the major you may say, "Do not talk to me (my son) that way, it is disrespectful and I will not tolerate it" and leave the room or house immediately. Then for the more severe stuff, you can kick them out, though they may not do things that warrant this level of reaction. I suspect that with a slideing scale of reactions they will not go past level 3, but who knows?

 

[littlelysser]

I only have about two seconds here...gotta run, but wanted to say that I think it sounds good.

Not placing all the blame on them (even if they DO deserve most of it) is a good idea.

I hope you have a good weekend!!!!

 

[Ellen]

LC, you''ve gotten some great advice, I have nothing new to offer. I just wanted to say how sorry I am you even have to deal with this, and I really hope your weekend goes swiftly.

 

[neatfreak]

LC, I worry with that script you are opening the floodgates instead of closing them. It also seems like you are apologizing for setting boundaries, which you don''t have to do! How about something like this (said as soon as they make a crass comment):

MIL and FIL, we are happy to have you come and visit but there are a few things we need to discuss..." then lay down the law. The first phrase might butter them up a bit, but the second lets them know who exactly is the boss. Which is what you need to do. You don''t need to rehash the entire relationship, just let them know that from now on you won''t be taking any sh*t and if they want to come to your house they need to play by your rules.

And by all means, if they continue their behavior, DO NOT take it! Take Miller and get out of there for the remainder of the visit. Your DH needs to stand up for you, and their behavior is unacceptable.

 

[Fancy605]

Oh LC, I don''t know how I could have missed this thread. I am late chiming in, but I hope everything goes well. It is bad enough for them to be rude to you, but for them to be rude to your kid? That is ESPECIALLY infuriating. I can''t give much advice on the situation because I have never experienced anything like it first hand, but hang in there. I think Dreamer gave pretty sound advice. If it gets bad, the lines that you posted that you would like to say to them sound very appropriate. At least you''re very prepared if it comes to it. I think that this:
"I would like to have a positive relationship with you." is what you should be sure to emphasize.

And if stuff gets rough, you can always vent about it on PS!

 

[LitigatorChick]

Okay, now I really don''t know what to do. I feel like I have to say something to them when they arrive, since I haven''t spoken to them for a year (our last conversation had to do with them calling Miller by their last name, lead to be big argument, and then FIL hung up on me). We have not spoke since - I have avoided them and refused to have anything at all to do with them. I feel like something has to be said - but WHAT????

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 7/11/2008 11:06:09 AM
Author: LitigatorChick
Okay, now I really don't know what to do. I feel like I have to say something to them when they arrive, since I haven't spoken to them for a year (our last conversation had to do with them calling Miller by their last name, lead to be big argument, and then FIL hung up on me). We have not spoke since - I have avoided them and refused to have anything at all to do with them. I feel like something has to be said - but WHAT????

I would do what Neat suggested, lay the law down to begin with, then they can either like it or leave it as the case may be. Then that way they know that they need to behave themselves - or else. If they have any decency at all, they will mind their manners and if not, then you know what to do. Honestly the only way this is going to stop is if you refuse to let them treat you and your son this way, otherwise they will continue to treat you both in this shameful manner.

 

[LitigatorChick]

The problem with that is DH. I can''t come off harsh, or he will be very very upset. I think I need to some off soft and open, but firm on my limits.

 

[KimberlyH]

"Considering our last conversation was quite unpleasant for all involved I think I need to be clear with you about a few things at the outset of this visit. We're happy to have you here, and while you are here there are some things I expect from you..."

But frankly, if I were in your shoes and my husband took the stance yours is, I'd book a hotel and take Miller away for the weekend, not caring in the slightest if DH were going to "explode." Or I'd leave Miller (I don't think their comments about him are kind, but I don't think they are abusive either, and my guess is they wouldn't make those comments if you weren't around because it seems that their goal isn't to hurt their grandson, their intent is to upset you, and they succeed) and take off for a weekend of R&R all by myself.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 7/11/2008 11:13:46 AM
Author: LitigatorChick
The problem with that is DH. I can''t come off harsh, or he will be very very upset. I think I need to some off soft and open, but firm on my limits.

Really LC, I am going to be harsh here. Who the heck CARES what DH thinks about it???? It''s HIS FAULT you are even having to do this, because he won''t address it himself like a big boy. YOU need to do what is best for you and Miller at this point, even if it makes your DH mad at you.

You have a ton going for you, a wonderful job, you''re smart, you love Miller to pieces, you don''t need your DH''s approval to stand up for yourself girl! Pretend you''re in a courtroom.

You can be firm and not mean without being apologetic and soft ya know? You don''t need to apologize for past things, just say "I''d love for you to continue to come and visit us, but I feel like there are some things we need to discuss". That''s soft and open, no accusing, but still sends the message that you mean business.

 

[Dreamer_D]

I''m trying to imagine exactly what I would do in your positon... haven''t talked in a year etc etc. I really think that I would just pretend the blow-up hadn''t happened and be all nicey nice, and then using the list of escalating responses to bad behavior, respond on a behavior by behavior basis. Opening with any type of statements sets an adversarial tone, and really, these people will not change based on a conversation! They obviously can''t control their behavior or recognize bad behavior when it happens, so even if they agree that they will be nice I wouldn''t buy for a second they are capable of it. I still worry that such a conversation will just set them off and spark a fued when I''m not sure it is required. If you don''t want to put down your foot with DH, then I think your only recourse is an episode by episode response.

If you feel that an introductory conversation is required, then I think NF''s suggestion is a good one.

As an aside, I think there are some things they do that you just need to learn to laugh at. Who cares if they call Miller by the wrong last name? THey just do it to bug you and they probably get a lot of satisfaction out of your reaction. I had a great grandmother like that, she would always make racist remarks and the most filthy comments about family members behind their backs!

We just took the stance that she was crazy... and she was having demetia... and it really helped us to not get worked up about some of the smaller stuff. Save your energy for the bigger stuff, IMO, and remember that they are crazy and eventually they will die and you will be free!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 7/11/2008 11:21:01 AM
Author: KimberlyH
''Considering our last conversation was quite unpleasant for all involved I think I need to be clear with you about a few things at the outset of this visit. We''re happy to have you here, and while you are here there are some things I expect from you...''

But frankly, if I were in your shoes and my husband took the stance yours is, I''d book a hotel and take Miller away for the weekend, not caring in the slightest if DH were going to ''explode.'' Or I''d leave Miller (I don''t think their comments about him are kind, but I don''t think they are abusive either, and my guess is they wouldn''t make those comments if you weren''t around because it seems that their goal isn''t to hurt their grandson, their intent is to upset you, and they succeed) and take off for a weekend of R&R all by myself.

I like this solution a lot, LC. Unless you believe he is in danger, then it will not hurt him to spend some time with his gross, crass grandparents.

 

[Kismet]

Date: 7/11/2008 12:19:07 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

Date: 7/11/2008 11:21:01 AM

Author: KimberlyH

''Considering our last conversation was quite unpleasant for all involved I think I need to be clear with you about a few things at the outset of this visit. We''re happy to have you here, and while you are here there are some things I expect from you...''


But frankly, if I were in your shoes and my husband took the stance yours is, I''d book a hotel and take Miller away for the weekend, not caring in the slightest if DH were going to ''explode.'' Or I''d leave Miller (I don''t think their comments about him are kind, but I don''t think they are abusive either, and my guess is they wouldn''t make those comments if you weren''t around because it seems that their goal isn''t to hurt their grandson, their intent is to upset you, and they succeed) and take off for a weekend of R&R all by myself.

I like this solution a lot, LC. Unless you believe he is in danger, then it will not hurt him to spend some time with his gross, crass grandparents.

I don''t know if I''d do that. Wouldn''t that be giving them exactly what they''ve been angling for with their behavior ... time alone with son and grandson? Plus they chased their wretched DIL out of her own home. Bonus!

 

[cara]

Hmm, couple of thoughts:

Your husband is an abuse victim, so to him his parent''s behavior is normal. It represents the kind of love he had growing up, and that is why it is critically important for you to establish new rules for your house and for how you are to be treated - to break the cycle of abuse.

Your script is a great way to work on mending fences with a reasonable, old friend with whom you have had a falling out. It is not a good way to begin with unreasonable, abusive people who will take advantage of any weakness or fault you admit to. And whom fundamentally think they are in the right - they are not going to hear anything in your script telling them to change their behavior.

Think about what behaviors of theirs you want to restrict. When they arrive, since you last had a falling out, say you want to be clear this time so things will go smoothly. Calmly tell them that these are the ground rules: in my home, you call my son by this name. I will not tolerate any insults to me or my marriage or to X. etc.

While your husband may be upset if you are direct, you are doing this for his benefit and your son''s benefit and your own mental health. Please take confidence in that.

Then think about what your response will be when they cross the line - because they will test you. Will you calmly leave? Calmly pick up son and leave? Show them the door?

Really, I feel for you. It is very difficult not to have your husband''s support and setting boundaries is never easy. Everything just gets worse if you don''t set them, however, so please don''t be tempted to just ignore more insults.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 7/11/2008 12:29:56 PM
Author: Kismet

Date: 7/11/2008 12:19:07 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

Date: 7/11/2008 11:21:01 AM

Author: KimberlyH

''Considering our last conversation was quite unpleasant for all involved I think I need to be clear with you about a few things at the outset of this visit. We''re happy to have you here, and while you are here there are some things I expect from you...''


But frankly, if I were in your shoes and my husband took the stance yours is, I''d book a hotel and take Miller away for the weekend, not caring in the slightest if DH were going to ''explode.'' Or I''d leave Miller (I don''t think their comments about him are kind, but I don''t think they are abusive either, and my guess is they wouldn''t make those comments if you weren''t around because it seems that their goal isn''t to hurt their grandson, their intent is to upset you, and they succeed) and take off for a weekend of R&R all by myself.

I like this solution a lot, LC. Unless you believe he is in danger, then it will not hurt him to spend some time with his gross, crass grandparents.

I don''t know if I''d do that. Wouldn''t that be giving them exactly what they''ve been angling for with their behavior ... time alone with son and grandson? Plus they chased their wretched DIL out of her own home. Bonus!

You may be right. I guess there is a decision to be made about how seriously she wants to confront the issue. I don''t see leaving the house as letting them "win" but rather as a compromise that actually gives everyone what they want: she doesn''t haev to see them or deal with them, he hubby gets to see his parents, and they get to see the grandchild. But maybe this issue does indeed need to be tackled head on. I am just not sure how she can do that without the support of her hubby without putting her marriage in the middle of it all, and although many of us have said, "Well you marriage should be in the middle!" she may not wish do do that.

 

[diamondfan]

LC, I am not advocating a totally screw you approach to your hubby. You have to live with him so it pays to be somewhat diplomatic even if you are right and even if he is unable to see your view.

However, this must be dealt with BEFORE they arrive. Simple as that. It will not be good to have them arrive on your doorstep thinking anything goes. That is why I think you should sit down with your husband and approach this from a collaborative, not combative, aspect. Tell him you know how tough it must be for him to be in the middle, and that you are not asking him to choose, but feel you should not have to beg for his support on behalf of you and Miller. That he can have a relationship separate from you, but that your are particularly fragile at the moment and based on past negative experiences this is something that cannot be ignored. LC, if these people raised him in that type of environment, he is an abuse victim plain and simple. He is not able to see outside of a certain realm because it is his only reality and touchstone. Abused kids often start to identify and even protect their abusers because it is all they know and the unknown is even scarier to them. Better to hold on to the abuser, at least they are there, than to risk the unknown. Not sure if that makes sense, there are many deep and complex emotional and psychological processes that go with this, and it happens over time, very gradually. Often the victim does not even see it, but the hold the abuser has on them is strong. So please know that going in, that your hubby really may be unable to see clearly, be objective, or be able to remove certain emotions from the context of his parents. I do not like his yelling at you or making you feel less important, you and Miller, but I would tend to think his coping strategies are not so great in terms of his parents, no shock there.

You just need him to know you do not WANT this to be bad, but it is not all upon you to ensure that it is not. It takes more than player to shift the paradigm. Get him on board, make him think you are really invested in making it better, that you are not his enemy, that you are on the same team. It should be your team, the three of you, and his parent can be visiting players if they play by the rules. Everyone has to follow certain rules. That is a governing factor in life. And so must his parents. Honestly, it is as simple as that. If not, they may not enter your home. It is terribly unfair to you and to your son. And that is the honest truth of the matter.