Discipline Question

[MonkeyPie]

I believe that it is not about the immediate consequence in these situation, but the entire system in which the child lives. If you are a wishy washy parent and then try to "discipline" when big things happen, of course it won't go over well. That is because your child needs to learn self-regulation, the most important skill they will ever learn in their life (i.e. impulse control), and that learning does NOT happen in time out. It happens day in and day out when we guide their behaviour and pay attention to what they are doing and be consistent in our rules.

I love this thread. I totally agree with you, Dreamer.

I'm always worried that when Micah gets older I won't teach him properly and he will be a little heathen. But my methods (at least so far, and what I plan to do in the future) are exactly what you guys are talking about. It's good to know I'm not going about it all wrong

FWIW, I think it's good to start early and some kids DO understand. I have already taught Micah (at almost 8 months) that if I say, "Nice!" he will pat my dad's cat gently. He used to attack her with excitement and pull ears, tail and fur. Thank goodness she's very mellow and just purrs the whole time. But I took his hand and showed him how to pat and pet, and I would say, "Niiiice," as we did it. Now if I say nice at all, he will pat whatever he is touching gently. He has also learned that if he is being cranky and throws himself backward in the arms of whoever is holding him, that it means he gets put down, which he hates if he's cranky. Little ones can be taught, it just takes a lot more repetition.

 

[TravelingGal]

Kim, it seems like there is a lot about the way this woman parents that bothers you. I think you need to make a decision to get past it or to no longer socialize with her.

That's really it. My friend with the son I've mentioned a few times and I seem to be at a place where we don't hang out THAT much with our kids anymore (she also had an infant daughter now). Her son can grate on my nerves (and her style of parenting). And I'm sure I do the same to her because I don't like kids going crazy, jumping all over furniture and throwing stuff. To her, it's just boys being boys. So when she comes over to my house, it's stressful for her because he son does all those things and she's trying to practically hold him down from doing it. Doesn't make either of us right...just different in the way we think so we just hang as adults now and it's fine.

Kind of interesting though what happens when parents DO have to deal with another kid who isn't well disciplined. The kid above does hit, take toys and can be rambunctious. There are several older boys (1-3 years older) in our group who deal with him. They ask their mom why hitter hits or why he gets to grab toys out of someone's hands. The mom, left with not much to say since the boy isn't disciplined that much (she makes an effort to say something, but he doesn't listen), says something like "He's a baby, he doesn't know any better. But we don't hit, OK?" So these boys are starting to RESENT this kid for getting away with this stuff! At the thanksgiving party I mentioned, the herd of boys were running around and the hitter was in the group. Then I heard what was being said - the boys were saying "Let's get away from him. c'mon!" and running away and laughing. He's over 3 and doesn't speak well, so I'm not sure he knew what was going on, but I felt bad for him and bad for the mother who heard it...but then the parents had been coming to that conclusion for awhile about hanging out with the child. The kids were just following suit.

 

[KimberlyH]

NB, you are correct, I need to get over it or decide not to be friendly with them. Just to clarify I didn't react at all, except to say it was okay, that J was fine. As I said I'm a behavior consultant, it's my job to formulate plans for caregivers/parents to handle behavioral issues with their children, I've been bit, hit, pinched, groped, yelled at and a myriad of other things. I am all too familiar with how normal it is, and that it should be expected. And I have no issue with different parenting styles unless and until it involves me and my kiddo (my sister and I couldn't be further apart but I feel no need to interfere unless my nephew is doing something with or to J). It's awkward new territory I'm learning to navigate.

 

[TravelingGal]

NB, you are correct, I need to get over it or decide not to be friendly with them. Just to clarify I didn't react at all, except to say it was okay, that J was fine. As I said I'm a behavior consultant, it's my job to formulate plans for caregivers/parents to handle behavioral issues with their children, I've been bit, hit, pinched, groped, yelled at and a myriad of other things. I am all too familiar with how normal it is, and that it should be expected. And I have no issue with different parenting styles unless and until it involves me and my kiddo (my sister and I couldn't be further apart but I feel no need to interfere unless my nephew is doing something with or to J). It's awkward new territory I'm learning to navigate.

Isn't it FUN Kimberly?

 

[NovemberBride]

Kim,

I didn't mean at all to say that this was an easy thing to deal with, my DD is just a little older than yours and I am working through the same situations. I've found that I am generally much happier if when faced with something that bugs me I either make a conscious decision to get over it or remove the something from my life, rather than continuing to let it eat away at me.

I can imagine that in your profession it must be hard not to say something, but I really think it would be the wrong move in this situation unless the mother has asked for your input. I do think you have to do what you feel is best for J. For me, if it was a one time thing I would brush it off and chalk it up to kids being kids. On the other hand, if this child is hitting, being rough with or otherwise making you uncomfortable repeatedly, that's when I would probably choose to spend less time socializing with the family.

In the end, I feel bad for the kid, because as T-Gal said, once the kids get older, no one is going to want to play with the badly behaved child and they won't know why, because they don't even know what they are doing is wrong because no one has taught them.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

You can't change the way your friend parents so you need to decide how important her relationship is to you or only see her without the kids around.

 

[KimberlyH]

TG, parenting her is, but the outside factors, such as this, are difficult. That we're neighbors does not help.

NB, I understood your intent. And I would never say a word, like I said, I don't even share my thoughts with my sister who refuses to tell her son "no." In general the girl is wild, but sweet. Very curious. She has a habit of grabbing things from J and taking things that aren't hers (sippy cups, etc.). I think I am deciding not to decide for now and we'll see how things go.

 

[Dreamer_D]

It is hard to be friends with someone and spend time when their parenting, and their interactions with their kids, get on your last nerve Funny how adding kids to the mix opens up a whole can of worms. There are probably lots of ways that we are incompatible with our friends, but because we do not face such situations in our relationships it does not matter. For example, I have different eating habits than one of my friends, but it does not matter because we do not really share meals. And different bedtime routines etc. Only if suddenly you HAVE to face those incompatibilities does it cause problems, as when suddenly parenting is at the fore.

Makes me even more amazed I found a husband I can stand. There are an aweful lot of opportunities there for differences in habits/opinions to bite you in the butt.

 

[Dreamer_D]

You can't change the way your friend parents so you need to decide how important her relationship is to you or only see her without the kids around.

And even beyond that, we cannot control every aspect of our kids environments either, and I sort of think part of our role is to let our kids realize sometimes they have to put up with annoying stuff, and sometimes they have to stand up for themselves. Sometimes they will be faced with loud, ill behaved kids (obviously not applicable when they are very young).

I am trying to roll with it as long as Hunter is not getting hurt. We were at a public play area on a ferry boat, and there are lots of kids there, many of whom are not properly monitored in my opinion. There was another little boy who was playing with H and was having fun with him -- they were chasing each other -- and the little boy got a little carried away. He was sort of running into Hunter and falling on top of him and then sort of laying there. Hunter was a little confused, but then got up and kept going and hew as not hurt. I debated intervening, but opted instead to watch and make sure the other boy was not too rough. It was hard not to jump in, but I do think at that age they need a little room to sort it out. I did at one point go over to the other boy and tell him to be more gentle, and he seemed to respond. But on the whole it was probably a good experience for Hunter to learn to play with another child who had a different style of play. Or maybe all he learned was the fine art of jumping on top of other people His dad taught him that when they wrestle so it is a lost cause anyways.

But I still thought the other boy's parents were bad parents for not monitoring their son more At one point, another father got a little stern with a child that was not his because the boy was being too rough. The rough boy's father came in *after* the intervention by the stranger dad and said to the rough boy "When another parent has to speak to you, it is not a good thing for you son." And I thought to myself, No, it is not a good thing for YOU father! If another parent has to parent your child, you are doing something wrong.

 

[decodelighted]

Not a parent ... but I had an (awkward) idea for it if happens again. YOU DO have some control at your home. Just escort both of them to the door. "I don't allow hitting in this house. Visit's over. Goodbye." Maybe the MOM needs a bit of "discipline" ... which might motivate her to reassess her ineffective discipline of her tot.

 

[KimberlyH]

We aren't really friends, they started coming over because the girl loves babies. We're friendly now, as a result, but don't interact without kids, they drop by once a week or so.

Tacori, I hear you, and I know but I don't wish to change her, I was curious as to how other parents would respond because I wanted to figure out if my expectations were out of line and it's meandered into a interesting discussion. I have no problems with live and let live.

DD, natural consequences can be both good and bad.

 

[KimberlyH]

Deco, I wish I had the balls. And I'm a firm believer that giving birth does not make one more capable of having an opinion on child rearing, hell I know I've lost brain power since giving birth Your thoughts are always welcome with me.

 

[Pandora II]

Kimberly, I don't know if you've seen any of my posts in the toddler thread recently about the issues I have been having with Daisy and the struggle I have with dealing with a very strong-willed and determined kid.

We're currently seeing a child psychotherapist, which seems very extreme but I got the referral as I go to a play-group for mothers with serious mental health issues - I have bipolar disorder - and they had noticed that I was starting to struggle and wanted to fix the problem while it was still in the inital phases.

As well as seeing the therapist I also discovered a book 'Parenting Your Strong-Willed Child' which sets you exercises each week as part of a 5 week 'course'. The exercises for the first week is exactly the same as the exercises I was set by the therapist, and I have already seen a big change in Daisy's behaviour based on my different way of interacting and disciplining her.

I think if she raises the issues that she has with her daughter it might be worth mentioning that you know someone with similar issues who found this book very helpful.

Obviously that is if you don't have a problem with what the book teaches!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I don't think you are out of line and obviously most of us would discipline our child differently than your neighbor. Can you *really* life and let live though? Have you thought about how you are going to approach things the next time this happens?

 

[KimberlyH]

Pan, I admire your frankness, if that's a word. I may need that book myself, Jane's always stealing her buddy's paci, she doesn't use one, just wants his, and all his other toys. I saw it on their bookshelf.

Tacori, I can until it involves my kid and/or my stuff, then it becomes my problem. If it happens again I'll likely say something, I do when she grabs things from J or misuses items at my house. I'm totally mellow about it, but remind her that used tissues go in the trash, not on my floor, or that J isn't allowed to grab from her she shouldn't grab from J, etc. I wouldn't ever put her in time out or anything, I'm more likely to say it's naptime to end a visit that isn't pleasant. I hate confrontation. I suggested the park when they asked to get together again as they were leaving, it's not difficult to manage when we're not in my home.

 

[Tuckins1]

Tuckins, most 3 year olds get: if we don't play nice we don't play, which is why I would leave if I were the parent. Time outs mean nothing to this kid, perhaps more than 2 minutes in another room with no interaction would.

TG: At least she didn't put my head in time out.

I guess it depends on the kid... My little cousin gets SO distraught if she's put in time out, she will apologize to you for a year after the offense!

 

[fieryred33143]

I have been reading this thread but not contributing because I have NO idea what a 3 year old is capable of understanding. The 18-36 month range is completely uknown territory and I'm a little afraid of what it's going to be like. I heard a 2 year old saying full sentences the other day and was shocked. I didn't know 2 year olds could speak that well.

Anyway, it has been a really good read for me because I learned a lot! Disciplining is going to be complicated!!

 

[KimberlyH]

Tuckins, most 3 year olds get: if we don't play nice we don't play, which is why I would leave if I were the parent. Time outs mean nothing to this kid, perhaps more than 2 minutes in another room with no interaction would.

TG: At least she didn't put my head in time out.

I guess it depends on the kid... My little cousin gets SO distraught if she's put in time out, she will apologize to you for a year after the offense!

This is why discipline can be so complicated, like fiery said, what works for one kiddo won't always work for another. Time out is a party for this kiddo, not exactly reflective. Leaving would have been as she really wants to be at my house, so not getting to be would make an impact.

Fiery, I have no doubt you'll continue to be an amazing mom!

 

[Tuckins1]

Tuckins, most 3 year olds get: if we don't play nice we don't play, which is why I would leave if I were the parent. Time outs mean nothing to this kid, perhaps more than 2 minutes in another room with no interaction would.

TG: At least she didn't put my head in time out.

I guess it depends on the kid... My little cousin gets SO distraught if she's put in time out, she will apologize to you for a year after the offense!

This is why discipline can be so complicated, like fiery said, what works for one kiddo won't always work for another. Time out is a party for this kiddo, not exactly reflective. Leaving would have been as she really wants to be at my house, so not getting to be would make an impact.

Fiery, I have no doubt you'll continue to be an amazing mom!

I have an idea of the kind of mom you're talking about- I know some people like this. I have no problem telling their kids that their bad behavior will not be tolerated or disciplining them when they are bad- even right in front of the parents. It drives me nuts when their kids are bouncing off the walls in public, people are staring, and they do NOTHING!! It's embarrassing. I hope i'm not like that when my little popple comes out!

 

[NovemberBride]

Tuckins, most 3 year olds get: if we don't play nice we don't play, which is why I would leave if I were the parent. Time outs mean nothing to this kid, perhaps more than 2 minutes in another room with no interaction would.

TG: At least she didn't put my head in time out.

I guess it depends on the kid... My little cousin gets SO distraught if she's put in time out, she will apologize to you for a year after the offense!

This is why discipline can be so complicated, like fiery said, what works for one kiddo won't always work for another. Time out is a party for this kiddo, not exactly reflective. Leaving would have been as she really wants to be at my house, so not getting to be would make an impact.

Fiery, I have no doubt you'll continue to be an amazing mom!

I have an idea of the kind of mom you're talking about- I know some people like this. I have no problem telling their kids that their bad behavior will not be tolerated or disciplining them when they are bad- even right in front of the parents. It drives me nuts when their kids are bouncing off the walls in public, people are staring, and they do NOTHING!! It's embarrassing. I hope i'm not like that when my little popple comes out!

Tuckins - It will be interesting to see how you feel about this when your LO is born if someone tries to discipline your child. Momma bear instincts tend to kick in pretty hard against anyone who messes with your child. If anyone other than DH or one DD's grandparents tried to discipline my child in front of me I would be extremely angry and would certainly give that person a piece of my mind. It is my right to choose how to discipline my child as I see fit, how dare someone else have the audacity to believe that it is their place to discipline my child? I dislike misbehaving children as much as anyone else, and I do remove my daughter from a public place if she is causing a scene, but if for some reason I didn't that is my choice as her parent.

 

[Tuckins1]

Tuckins, most 3 year olds get: if we don't play nice we don't play, which is why I would leave if I were the parent. Time outs mean nothing to this kid, perhaps more than 2 minutes in another room with no interaction would.

TG: At least she didn't put my head in time out.

I guess it depends on the kid... My little cousin gets SO distraught if she's put in time out, she will apologize to you for a year after the offense!

This is why discipline can be so complicated, like fiery said, what works for one kiddo won't always work for another. Time out is a party for this kiddo, not exactly reflective. Leaving would have been as she really wants to be at my house, so not getting to be would make an impact.

Fiery, I have no doubt you'll continue to be an amazing mom!

I have an idea of the kind of mom you're talking about- I know some people like this. I have no problem telling their kids that their bad behavior will not be tolerated or disciplining them when they are bad- even right in front of the parents. It drives me nuts when their kids are bouncing off the walls in public, people are staring, and they do NOTHING!! It's embarrassing. I hope i'm not like that when my little popple comes out!

Tuckins - It will be interesting to see how you feel about this when your LO is born if someone tries to discipline your child. Momma bear instincts tend to kick in pretty hard against anyone who messes with your child. If anyone other than DH or one DD's grandparents tried to discipline my child in front of me I would be extremely angry and would certainly give that person a piece of my mind. It is my right to choose how to discipline my child as I see fit, how dare someone else have the audacity to believe that it is their place to discipline my child? I dislike misbehaving children as much as anyone else, and I do remove my daughter from a public place if she is causing a scene, but if for some reason I didn't that is my choice as her parent.

I absolutely agree with you, however when we're at Target and the son is running through aisles weaving the cart with the 1 year old in it back and forth and almost running over people.... I said something to him. When he threw a harry conniption fit at my house because he couldn't play the DS (we offered him the gamecube and the ps2), I said something. Mom has actually gotten a lot better about keeping her kids in check b/c she is married to my good friend and he doesn't tolerate that kind of crap either.

 

[KimberlyH]

Tuckins, mom tries, she's just the exact opposite of her kids, extremely quiet and demure. Kiddos are bulls in a china shop. So energetic and curious, which is great, but traits that need managed. It would be challenging.

As for correcting, I only do so in my house or when it involves J, unless mom steps in. I'm not going to pick up the cup she throws in my plants, allow her to grab things from J or let her wander my house freely, but if she's too hyper that's her mom's gig. This is where the hard to navigate stuff comes in.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

I think it's funny that this mother actually gave the same consequences that most recommended on this thread, yet she is under the microscope for her poor parenting. I take a few things from this thread:

1. Discipline is about finding an entire system that works for parent and child, not individual tricks for controlling single behaviors. This woman is doing the timeout, but it is ineffective for her child.

2. I believe a big portion of a child's behavior is due to their parents' training him or her (for lack of a better word), but there is a component that is 100% up to the personality of the child, and I wish parents wouldn't be so quick to judge other parents just because they can't understand why someone else's little devil wasn't born with the sweet disposition of their little angel.


For this individual situation, the following would apply - my house, my rules. I wouldn't have a problem correcting a child in my own home, and if the parent didn't like it then they would probably quit coming around. darn.

 

[KimberlyH]

GP, I know your response was very general, but since I started the thread I'll just reply that I am well aware that my little monkey will one day be the child that others are looking at because she is out of control. And I'll do my best and I may fail to mitigate some situations because parenting isn't a science.

As an outsider who is trained in behavior modification I can tell you this, the time out given was not executed in the way time outs are typically. The child talked and kicked her mom throughout the time out and as she was placed in the center of the room where the activity was taking place so it was not the break and reflective time time outs are intended to be.

As for judging, we all do it, it's how we choose friends, spouses, etc. It doesn't mean I think the mom is a bad person, it just means we may not be compatible as friends because I'm not sure I want this child to be an example to my daughter. In return, I know this woman thinks I'm nuts because I won't sleep train my daughter (let her "cry it out"), so much so that she brought me two books on the subject. It doesn't offend me in the slightest that she feels this way, because I'm confident that I'm doing the right thing for my family; I hope she feels the same about her parenting choices. If I was saying she was a horrible mother that would be a different story. What I am saying is she and I have different parenting styles and they might make it difficult for us to be friends and I'm feeling uncomfortable because this is new territory for me.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Kimberly, just to clarify any misunderstanding, I didn't make my comments about little devils and angels in response to anyone on this thread being judgey, but more as a response to a poster's comments about her daughter Daisy (I can't remember which poster without going back). She strikes me as a very well informed mother who implements a system with her daughter but possibly has a more challenging situation than others.

I think you did the right thing in your situation and you are doing the best you can to navigate a new territory. I would be super stressed if a child hit my new baby, and in no way do I think you are out of line by expecting this woman to control her child in YOUR home and around YOUR baby by whatever means necessary! I find it odd that she just pops by your house (if I understand that correctly). My comment about her doing the timeout but being ineffective was supporting my general summary of discipline being a whole system approach rather than isolated if/then events and feeling sorry for parents who are trying but are just missing the point. hope that clears up my opinion.

 

[NovemberBride]

GP, I know your response was very general, but since I started the thread I'll just reply that I am well aware that my little monkey will one day be the child that others are looking at because she is out of control. And I'll do my best and I may fail to mitigate some situations because parenting isn't a science.

As an outsider who is trained in behavior modification I can tell you this, the time out given was not executed in the way time outs are typically. The child talked and kicked her mom throughout the time out and as she was placed in the center of the room where the activity was taking place so it was not the break and reflective time time outs are intended to be.

As for judging, we all do it, it's how we choose friends, spouses, etc. It doesn't mean I think the mom is a bad person, it just means we may not be compatible as friends because I'm not sure I want this child to be an example to my daughter. In return, I know this woman thinks I'm nuts because I won't sleep train my daughter (let her "cry it out"), so much so that she brought me two books on the subject. It doesn't offend me in the slightest that she feels this way, because I'm confident that I'm doing the right thing for my family; I hope she feels the same about her parenting choices. If I was saying she was a horrible mother that would be a different story. What I am saying is she and I have different parenting styles and they might make it difficult for us to be friends and I'm feeling uncomfortable because this is new territory for me.

Slight threadjack - I remember that you were one of the few other moms on the newborn thread that didn't choose to use cry it out and I wondered if the others ever switched to CIO. I never did either and about a month ago (11.5 months old) Olivia started falling asleep on her own in her crib and sleeping 12 hours straight every night. Although we definitely had a rough go for a while and I sometimes doubted my choice (and my friends and family thought I was nuts), I know I did what was right for my family and it turns out that they really all do learn to sleep through the night eventually. I'm not sure how J is sleeping, but I wanted to offer a light at the end of the tunnel for another non-CIO mom.

 

[Pandora II]

Tuckins, most 3 year olds get: if we don't play nice we don't play, which is why I would leave if I were the parent. Time outs mean nothing to this kid, perhaps more than 2 minutes in another room with no interaction would.

TG: At least she didn't put my head in time out.

I guess it depends on the kid... My little cousin gets SO distraught if she's put in time out, she will apologize to you for a year after the offense!

This is why discipline can be so complicated, like fiery said, what works for one kiddo won't always work for another. Time out is a party for this kiddo, not exactly reflective. Leaving would have been as she really wants to be at my house, so not getting to be would make an impact.

Fiery, I have no doubt you'll continue to be an amazing mom!

I have an idea of the kind of mom you're talking about- I know some people like this. I have no problem telling their kids that their bad behavior will not be tolerated or disciplining them when they are bad- even right in front of the parents. It drives me nuts when their kids are bouncing off the walls in public, people are staring, and they do NOTHING!! It's embarrassing. I hope i'm not like that when my little popple comes out!

LOL, I could have written that sentence 19 months ago - I am now THAT parent!

If your child is throwing a tantrum when you are out, the best possible thing to do is to totally ignore it - don't look, don't say anything, don't react. Withdrawing attention is the best way to stop a child continuing this kind of behaviour.

If the child is being destructive or dangerous or being disruptive to other people then the parent should obviously step in immediately. If Daisy threw a tantrum in a restaurant, museum, small shop etc I would immediately take her out as other people have a right to peace & quiet. However the shopping mall, park, sidewalk or supermarket are places that I don't feel I need to remove my child merely because she is screaming and flailing around on the ground. People will look at you - I don't feel embarrassed at all, I am also endlessly amazed by how many people stop and either kneel down and talk to Daisy (which generally stops her in her tracks) or come and sympathise with me. The people who give me dirty looks are the 20-somethings who don't have any kids... yet...

GP - I do agree with you and one of the things I am learning/being taught is that temperament is a big part of parenting. Children are not all the same and the way that they are parented is not the only factor. For this reason you have to take into account the amount of extra effort and time required to effectively parent a challenging child versus an easier child and you may never see the level of compliance that you would ideally like to obtain. You also have to remind yourself that being determined, strong-willed and persistent can be very positive attributes and you are seeking to bring up a responsible, happy, sensitive and empathic member of society not bludgeon the spirit out of your kid!

November - I'm another No-CIO mother and I have never yet let Daisy cry for more than a minute or two on her own. Crying in my arms or while I am sitting with her is fine in my book and I do admit that it took nearly 2.5 hours to get her to fall asleep in her own bed the first night (and then she was up again an hour later). She still doesn't sleep a whole night in her own bed yet but she does sleep a good 9 hours plus in ours - I'm still feeding at night but she doesn't wake at all to feed, just rolls over. I'm very happy with the choices we have made over no-cio, co-sleeping, baby-wearing and extended bfing. Eventually she will move into her own bed and stop nursing, and then I will miss my little cuddly hot-water-bottle! Many people think/thought I was crazy, but I could not do it - if my child is crying it is because she has a need, be it hunger, too cold/hot, illness or just plain feeling lonely and my role in these early years is to meet her needs the best I can. I've been told that I am letting her manipulate me and that if I allow her to sleep in our bed then she will think all she has to do is cry and she'll get to sleep there - I've tried and tried to explain that she doesn't cry to sleep in our bed, she has always slept there and so she has no concept of trying to manipulate for that end.

I totally understand that it doesn't work for everyone - again a lot depends on your child's temperament. I felt pretty bad that having done the whole Dr Sear's Attachment Parenting that I still had a child with major separation anxiety (although also extremely sociable and confident) until I started reading his book on strong-willed children where he says that they are likely to have this despite the AP. Now that she is past the SA, she is incredibly secure and independent so it has been worth the exhaustion of dealing with it (and the babysitters who refused to return!).

ETA: I'm always intrigued that so many people I know IRL are more than happy to attack and criticise my AP parenting choices and get quite heated about it. I have wondered if it can make them feel attacked in some way - like I am accusing them of not caring about their child through my own choices, as I have never criticised any of them even when I don't approve of some of the things they have done (letting a 6 week old CIO for over an hour...).

 

[KimberlyH]

NB, thanks for sharing. I still don't regret the decision.

Pan, good for you for being so confident. When I first starting working with kids in public I felt I should explain their behavior, now I know better. I tell parents a simple "It's hard being [insert childs' age]" is sufficient if they feel they must say anything at all. As for judging, it definitely goes both ways.

GP, I misunderstood, thanks for clarifying.

DD, it's amazing any of us have friends at all.

 

[D&T]

My child gets time out immediately regardless of where we are at. We were at Disneyland this past weekend, and my 2 year old threw a fit at dinner. I took her from the restaurant, outside, and we sat for 2 minutes (we started doing timeouts both DDs at 18 months). She cried, but our time out is also a time to reflect even though she is only 2, she somewhat gets it. Our time out time also consist of No "severe crying" or whiny or even talking. It starts all over if I hear a peep. Its a "zip it" and sit quietly. Its effective for both my DDs. My SIL on the other hand, does time out ineffectively, letting her DD have whatever with her in Time out and she throws a tantrum, but SIL still talks to her DD while in time out- so it doesn't work for her like it does for us. Its hard to watch, as my DD starts to learn that its ok to whine and throw a tantrum during timeout. I do say it outloud so my SIL somewhat hears me in the background to my DDs that how we do our time out is just the same regardless of where we are at which means, "Zip it" "Quiet" "no temper trantrum" or time out starts all over again, and it does (we went once for 12 minutes ) afterwards, we talk about why they were in time out and not to do it again, kiss and hug. My 5 yr old pushed my 2 yr old while we grocery shop once, and she got a time out as well right there and then. I used to get embarrassed, but not anymore, because I would rather my child act appropriately in public. Its hard to say things to parents when you hardly know them, but if I see it, happening and the parents don't see or intervene, I have in the past, let a child know not to hit, as its not very nice, and you could hurt someone and I do say it in a gentle way, so the parents, if they do see me saying it to their children apologize.