My New DIL Thinks I'm a MONSTER

[iLander]

I have no words of wisdom But I'll take you as my MIL!

AWWWW, thanks Sparky!

I was SO looking forward to a DIL! I will take you, if this one doesn't work out!

We will go to Sephora together, go try on shoes, bake stuff for the holidays, you can borrow my clothes, I will buy you Fiestaware in the color of your choice, if I see something I think you might like I will buy it for you (keeping the receipt and totally okay with returns), I will send you silly postcards, give you lots of hugs and smooches, listen to YOUR music, lend you my books, make you various pieces of jewelry under your direction, we will shop til we drop, watch old movies together, make popcorn on the stove, make fun of creepy people at the mall . . . well, basically all the stuff I do with my DD.

We will have such a BLAST!!

 

[Matata]

[/quote]I think I will ask my son what EXACTLY did I do?[/quote]

Ohhhh, I think is a bad idea. Puts him in the middle of you and his wife which is a lose-lose situation. Lots of folks have been speculating about the motives of their behavior. The only way to find out is to sit down with both of them together and ask. Points to consider for the conversation:

*I get the feeling I've done more to upset you than getting ill at the reception.
*You have the perception that I faked the illness. Please let's discuss why you feel that way.
*Now is the time for an honest, respectful discussion so we can move forward and celebrate the merging of our families.

 

[chemgirl]

I think I will ask my son what EXACTLY did I do?[/quote]

Ohhhh, I think is a bad idea. Puts him in the middle of you and his wife which is a lose-lose situation. Lots of folks have been speculating about the motives of their behavior. The only way to find out is to sit down with both of them together and ask. Points to consider for the conversation:

*I get the feeling I've done more to upset you than getting ill at the reception.
*You have the perception that I faked the illness. Please let's discuss why you feel that way.
*Now is the time for an honest, respectful discussion so we can move forward and celebrate the merging of our families.[/quote]

Exactly! If you're totally respectfull, calm, and open about everything she pretty much has to discuss if in the same way. If she doesn't, than she looks coo coo.

 

[that_someone_special]

I think I will ask my son what EXACTLY did I do?

Ohhhh, I think is a bad idea. Puts him in the middle of you and his wife which is a lose-lose situation. Lots of folks have been speculating about the motives of their behavior. The only way to find out is to sit down with both of them together and ask. Points to consider for the conversation:

*I get the feeling I've done more to upset you than getting ill at the reception.
*You have the perception that I faked the illness. Please let's discuss why you feel that way.
*Now is the time for an honest, respectful discussion so we can move forward and celebrate the merging of our families.[/quote]

Exactly! If you're totally respectfull, calm, and open about everything she pretty much has to discuss if in the same way. If she doesn't, than she looks coo coo.[/quote]

great post.... well said.. and i agree 100%

 

[rosetta]

Hey no fair!

I want a shot at being your DIL

 

[iLander]

I think I will ask my son what EXACTLY did I do?[/quote]

Ohhhh, I think is a bad idea. Puts him in the middle of you and his wife which is a lose-lose situation. Lots of folks have been speculating about the motives of their behavior. The only way to find out is to sit down with both of them together and ask. Points to consider for the conversation:

*I get the feeling I've done more to upset you than getting ill at the reception.
*You have the perception that I faked the illness. Please let's discuss why you feel that way.
*Now is the time for an honest, respectful discussion so we can move forward and celebrate the merging of our families.[/quote]

Well, I think that sounds pretty good, I will give that a try, I guess . . . but part of me is kinda mad because all I did was get sick and apologize profusely (repeatedly) for doing so. They never even asked how I was . . .

We noticed on their facebook pages that our side of the family is no where in the wedding pictures . . .

 

[iLander]

Hey no fair!

I want a shot at being your DIL

Thank you, rosetta!

 

[asscherisme]

I have no words of wisdom But I'll take you as my MIL!

AWWWW, thanks Sparky!

I was SO looking forward to a DIL! I will take you, if this one doesn't work out!

We will go to Sephora together, go try on shoes, bake stuff for the holidays, you can borrow my clothes, I will buy you Fiestaware in the color of your choice, if I see something I think you might like I will buy it for you (keeping the receipt and totally okay with returns), I will send you silly postcards, give you lots of hugs and smooches, listen to YOUR music, lend you my books, make you various pieces of jewelry under your direction, we will shop til we drop, watch old movies together, make popcorn on the stove, make fun of creepy people at the mall . . . well, basically all the stuff I do with my DD.

We will have such a BLAST!!

Ohh, can I sign up too? I have kids, 2 are still very young so you would get instand grandma status!

Seriously, you sound like an awesome MIL.

But to the topic, she sounds like a controling bitch who is manipulating your son. How long did they know each other before they married?

If it makes you feel better about how you did he right thing, my grandmother felt sick at my brothers wedding years ago and she did not leave and she vomited all over the table at the reception! Talk about being the center of attention!! So she ended up leaving anyway and being majorly humiliated in a way that we will never forget. Poor grandma!

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I have always thought that one day I would like to be a cool MIL since when I was married, I never had a MIL (my ex husbands mother died years before I met him). I do think unfortunatel you need to tread very carefully because she sounds like she has the potential to convince your son to shut you out totally.

How old is she?

 

[asscherisme]

I think I will ask my son what EXACTLY did I do?

Ohhhh, I think is a bad idea. Puts him in the middle of you and his wife which is a lose-lose situation. Lots of folks have been speculating about the motives of their behavior. The only way to find out is to sit down with both of them together and ask. Points to consider for the conversation:

*I get the feeling I've done more to upset you than getting ill at the reception.
*You have the perception that I faked the illness. Please let's discuss why you feel that way.
*Now is the time for an honest, respectful discussion so we can move forward and celebrate the merging of our families.[/quote]

Well, I think that sounds pretty good, I will give that a try, I guess . . . but part of me is kinda mad because all I did was get sick and apologize profusely (repeatedly) for doing so. They never even asked how I was . . .

We noticed on their facebook pages that our side of the family is no where in the wedding pictures . . . [/quote]

Wow, she sounds really petty and immature to exclude your side of the family from posted photos? Just wow.

 

[iLander]

I have no words of wisdom But I'll take you as my MIL!

AWWWW, thanks Sparky!

I was SO looking forward to a DIL! I will take you, if this one doesn't work out!

We will go to Sephora together, go try on shoes, bake stuff for the holidays, you can borrow my clothes, I will buy you Fiestaware in the color of your choice, if I see something I think you might like I will buy it for you (keeping the receipt and totally okay with returns), I will send you silly postcards, give you lots of hugs and smooches, listen to YOUR music, lend you my books, make you various pieces of jewelry under your direction, we will shop til we drop, watch old movies together, make popcorn on the stove, make fun of creepy people at the mall . . . well, basically all the stuff I do with my DD.

We will have such a BLAST!!

Ohh, can I sign up too? I have kids, 2 are still very young so you would get instand grandma status!

Seriously, you sound like an awesome MIL.

But to the topic, she sounds like a controling bitch who is manipulating your son. How long did they know each other before they married?

If it makes you feel better about how you did he right thing, my grandmother felt sick at my brothers wedding years ago and she did not leave and she vomited all over the table at the reception! Talk about being the center of attention!! So she ended up leaving anyway and being majorly humiliated in a way that we will never forget. Poor grandma!

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I have always thought that one day I would like to be a cool MIL since when I was married, I never had a MIL (my ex husbands mother died years before I met him). I do think unfortunatel you need to tread very carefully because she sounds like she has the potential to convince your son to shut you out totally.

How old is she?

BABIES ?!! I LOVE BABIES!! My DD can drive a car and she's still my baby.

Your poor Grandma! I feel bad for her. . . did anyone think she was faking?

Well, they met in June of -09 and got married this September. They've been living together since March. She insisted my son move into her place even though it's an hour and a half from his work (10 minutes from her work). I worry about him driving like that every day.

She's 24. When she first met my son, she told him she had a BA and a master's in psychology. Turns out she only has a BA in social work.

She seems to play a little fast and loose with the truth; one weekend they couldn't see us because they had 2 weddings to go to. The next weekend, it was another wedding. That didn't sound likely to me, how many October weddings are there? There were so many weird excuses, and stories, I don't know what to think.

My son is not very experienced with women, he was kind of a geek in school. . .

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I didn't read the replies so sorry if I repeat anyone...

First off I am so sorry! What a horrible experience. I hope you are feeling better now. When your DIL and son come over I would just be apologetic. Tell them how disappointed you were, how sick you were, how beautiful everything was, and leave it at that. I *personally* would not bring up what your son told you. I am shocked he would ever tell you that even if it was true! Try to be the bigger person because like it or not this woman is in your life for probably a very long time. Ask yourself if you would rather be right or happy?

 

[Aoife]

First of all, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds like you would be a totally awesome MIL, and it is sad beyond words that your son's marriage is causing him to move away from his birth family, instead of you gaining another daughter to love.

That said, I have to vehemently disagree that there is anything in what you have written that indicates that your new DIL is a)reasonable, b)misunderstood, or c) just needs to have a heart-to-heart, honest talk with you to get everything all fixed up. She sounds like one of those DIL's who sees her new husband's mother as a rival for his attention and affection, and sees it as her job to drive a wedge between her husband and his family. The clues that this is what is going on are throughout your posts, iLander.

It is probably a good idea to try to clear the air, as others have suggested, but I would keep my expectations low. To me it sounds as though you getting sick at the wedding just gave her an excuse to do something she would have done anyway (drive a wedge). She needed a grievance, and you accidentally gave her one. I agree with Cehrabehra, you will need to be very, very careful in how you handle your interactions with your new DIL. From what you've said here, I don't think she sounds immature, I think she sounds nuts. Unfortunately, a type I'm familiar with.

 

[anitabee]

here's the weird thing...

if she's "just not that into you" wouldn't you think she wouldn't have cared at all if you left the wedding early? if i didn't like my mil much, i'd be more than happy to see her leave early! if you were an "attention ho" wouldn't you have simply stayed (as you mentioned) in your wheelchair drawing all attention to yourself?!

it sounds like she's trying really hard to give you a hard time just for the sake of it! what an awful-sounding girl esp considering all the times you've tried to get to know her/spend time with her.

maybe you just need to let her think what she wants because it sounds like she'll continue to be cold-blooded toward you no matter what. some people are simply cruel and mean and controlling. it sounds like a control thing with her. i'm sorry to hear about this esp due to the fact your son is being influenced. i can't imagine what you're going through.

just ignore her. it sounds like you've done enough to try to embrace her. she sounds like an unhappy individual.

 

[asscherisme]

I have no words of wisdom But I'll take you as my MIL!

AWWWW, thanks Sparky!

I was SO looking forward to a DIL! I will take you, if this one doesn't work out!

We will go to Sephora together, go try on shoes, bake stuff for the holidays, you can borrow my clothes, I will buy you Fiestaware in the color of your choice, if I see something I think you might like I will buy it for you (keeping the receipt and totally okay with returns), I will send you silly postcards, give you lots of hugs and smooches, listen to YOUR music, lend you my books, make you various pieces of jewelry under your direction, we will shop til we drop, watch old movies together, make popcorn on the stove, make fun of creepy people at the mall . . . well, basically all the stuff I do with my DD.

We will have such a BLAST!!

Ohh, can I sign up too? I have kids, 2 are still very young so you would get instand grandma status!

Seriously, you sound like an awesome MIL.

But to the topic, she sounds like a controling bitch who is manipulating your son. How long did they know each other before they married?

If it makes you feel better about how you did he right thing, my grandmother felt sick at my brothers wedding years ago and she did not leave and she vomited all over the table at the reception! Talk about being the center of attention!! So she ended up leaving anyway and being majorly humiliated in a way that we will never forget. Poor grandma!

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I have always thought that one day I would like to be a cool MIL since when I was married, I never had a MIL (my ex husbands mother died years before I met him). I do think unfortunatel you need to tread very carefully because she sounds like she has the potential to convince your son to shut you out totally.

How old is she?

BABIES ?!! I LOVE BABIES!! My DD can drive a car and she's still my baby.

Your poor Grandma! I feel bad for her. . . did anyone think she was faking?

Well, they met in June of -09 and got married this September. They've been living together since March. She insisted my son move into her place even though it's an hour and a half from his work (10 minutes from her work). I worry about him driving like that every day.

She's 24. When she first met my son, she told him she had a BA and a master's in psychology. Turns out she only has a BA in social work.

She seems to play a little fast and loose with the truth; one weekend they couldn't see us because they had 2 weddings to go to. The next weekend, it was another wedding. That didn't sound likely to me, how many October weddings are there? There were so many weird excuses, and stories, I don't know what to think.

My son is not very experienced with women, he was kind of a geek in school. . .

Sorry, no babies, young elementary school. But hey come along with a teenager and a preteen!

Wow, they moved super fast. And the details about her pressuring him to move so far from work and so fast are not good at all. When I moved in with my ex husband, I was close to work but it was really far from him so I let that place go and we found someplace where we would have a simliar commute.

I read the other posts after you replied to me and it just gets worse. You know, in some cases, where the inlaw is difficult, its best to just be cordial but not bother to try and know the people becaue that leads to hurt feelings. She has made it clear where she stands but you need to be cordial to see your son. If you even show the slightest bit of anything she does not like, she will covince him to cut you off.

I know you said your son is seeing you less. But has the way he acts towards you chaned. Have you seen him change?

My dad who was only married to my mom for 7 years and divorced by 29 was a huge geek in highschool and college and use to say his mistake in marriage was that he married the first pretty girl who paid attention to him. So I get what you are saying by not having a lot of experience. IT makes it easier for your son to be manipulated. I worry about that too with my sons. They are the smart geeky boys and my teenager is super naive.

And nobody thought grandma was faking it, it was super evident she was sick! Poor grandma. She was mortified!

 

[asscherisme]

here's the weird thing...

if she's "just not that into you" wouldn't you think she wouldn't have cared at all if you left the wedding early? if i didn't like my mil much, i'd be more than happy to see her leave early! if you were an "attention ho" wouldn't you have simply stayed (as you mentioned) in your wheelchair drawing all attention to yourself?!

it sounds like she's trying really hard to give you a hard time just for the sake of it! what an awful-sounding girl esp considering all the times you've tried to get to know her/spend time with her.

maybe you just need to let her think what she wants because it sounds like she'll continue to be cold-blooded toward you no matter what. some people are simply cruel and mean and controlling. it sounds like a control thing with her. i'm sorry to hear about this esp due to the fact your son is being influenced. i can't imagine what you're going through.

just ignore her. it sounds like you've done enough to try to embrace her. she sounds like an unhappy individual.

I TOTALLY agree. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I can only imagine how painful it must be.

I remember a few years ago when then president George Bush threw up ON a foreign dignitary ( I can't remember who he threw up on) but I remember seeing the video on the news)

Point is everyone gets sick and not always at good times. You are not going to change her, but I think that you need to lower your expectations unfortunately.

 

[Haven]

ILander, I'm so sorry this is going on, it must feel horrible.

I really hope you can work something out so you can be more involved in your son's life again. From reading your posts, these are what I see as the possible reasons that you're in this situation:

a) Your new DIL has an unfounded and unreasonable negative opinion of you and she is trying to drive a wedge between you and your son.
Possible reasons:
i. Your son has been telling her negative things about your family
ii. She has issues with her own mom or some other parent figure that are clouding her image of you
iii. She's just plain crazy and plans to take your son down with her.

b) Your new DIL has a negative opinion of you based on previous experiences with you.
Possible reasons
i. She has misinterpreted some of your past behavior that was completely innocent
ii. You have behaved in ways that are out of bounds with her but you don't realize it

I'm not trying to be mean by giving you these possible reasons, I think it's important to consider all of the possible explanations for her behavior IF your purpose is truly to have your son in your life again.

Sometimes, parents don't realize when they are being overbearing, or that they're having a really difficult time letting go of a child. That's not to say that you have purposely done anything negative or mean-spirited or attention ho-ey (those were your DIL's words, not mine), but I think it's important for you to entertain the possibility that some of your behavior may have come across in a way that you neither intended nor realized.

Also, while there is ALWAYS the possibility that your words or behavior will be misinterpreted by others, I think the probability of this happening goes up EXPONENTIALLY when you are dealing with "outsiders" who are becoming "insiders" in your family. Each family has such distinct social mores that it is almost impossible to clearly communicate with an outsider who is entering your family. And DILs/MILs seem to be one of the stickiest relationships in the beginning as well. (I can't speak from experience, as I never had the opportunity to meet my MIL, much to my despair. I'd happily adopt YOU as my MIL, ILander!)

I know that my husband and I faced many serious snafus of this sort in the first several years of our relationship. Our families are so different, and each has its own unique set of expectations and beliefs about how we should do things, that it took a lot of discussions about how to interpret everyone's behavior before either one of us was able to adequately maneuver through the danger zone of a family party or gathering without stepping on an enormous land mine. His father did things that I thought were unforgivable at the time, and now after knowing him for years I understand (and accept) that they are just negative yet real aspects of his personality and I just have to deal with them. The same can be said for both of my parents. And all of them are well-meaning people. Well, mostly.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is this: You just don't speak each other's language quite yet, so the opportunities for losing things in translation, or misunderstanding an otherwise benign action, are enormous.

If I were you, I'd try to figure out what caused this misunderstanding, and then I'd approach my son and his new wife in a very open, and warm manner, and I'd tell them upfront that I just want to be in their lives, and to love them.

Good luck, ILander. I really hope you can get some resolution to this soon.

 

[iLander]

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!

I have so much to think about, and no time to do it! I will reply when I have some time, you guys are so great. . .

They will be here soon, and I have to tidy up.

I'm going to try to be myself, polite and nice, a brief apology (again) and see where it goes. I really don't want to lose my son, but I suspect that she may not be open to me being nice.

Maybe if I break open some wine (and I rarely drink!) for liquid courage.

If she is crazy (this also is my DD's theory) and divisive (TOTALLY my DH's contention), what can I possibly do?

I think my son married a nut bag . . .

I will let you all know how it goes, wish me luck!

 

[Haven]

GOOD LUCK ILander!!!!

 

[blueiris]

Just checking back in and read the updates from you. Wow, they married quickly! And she's pretty young, too (how old is your son?) And she doesn't tell the truth about her degree??? She's obviously young and insecure about herself, so she embellishes to make herself look better.

I am really disturbed by the fact that neither of them posted wedding photos of your side of the family on facebook. They had to have known you would see the facebook page, so in my mind that is a deliberate attempt to hurt you and your husband and daughter.

I hope things are going/went well with them. Based on all you've said, I'm not too optimistic that she wants you and your family in her life. I know that has to hurt a lot.

I want to throw my name into the running for you as my MIL! Though I suspect you're too young. But you're just the type of MIL I wish I could have had all these years!

 

[galeteia]

ILander, I'm so sorry this is going on, it must feel horrible.

I really hope you can work something out so you can be more involved in your son's life again. From reading your posts, these are what I see as the possible reasons that you're in this situation:

a) Your new DIL has an unfounded and unreasonable negative opinion of you and she is trying to drive a wedge between you and your son.
Possible reasons:
i. Your son has been telling her negative things about your family
ii. She has issues with her own mom or some other parent figure that are clouding her image of you
iii. She's just plain crazy and plans to take your son down with her.

b) Your new DIL has a negative opinion of you based on previous experiences with you.
Possible reasons
i. She has misinterpreted some of your past behavior that was completely innocent
ii. You have behaved in ways that are out of bounds with her but you don't realize it

I'm not trying to be mean by giving you these possible reasons, I think it's important to consider all of the possible explanations for her behavior IF your purpose is truly to have your son in your life again.

Sometimes, parents don't realize when they are being overbearing, or that they're having a really difficult time letting go of a child. That's not to say that you have purposely done anything negative or mean-spirited or attention ho-ey (those were your DIL's words, not mine), but I think it's important for you to entertain the possibility that some of your behavior may have come across in a way that you neither intended nor realized.

Also, while there is ALWAYS the possibility that your words or behavior will be misinterpreted by others, I think the probability of this happening goes up EXPONENTIALLY when you are dealing with "outsiders" who are becoming "insiders" in your family. Each family has such distinct social mores that it is almost impossible to clearly communicate with an outsider who is entering your family. And DILs/MILs seem to be one of the stickiest relationships in the beginning as well. (I can't speak from experience, as I never had the opportunity to meet my MIL, much to my despair. I'd happily adopt YOU as my MIL, ILander!)

I know that my husband and I faced many serious snafus of this sort in the first several years of our relationship. Our families are so different, and each has its own unique set of expectations and beliefs about how we should do things, that it took a lot of discussions about how to interpret everyone's behavior before either one of us was able to adequately maneuver through the danger zone of a family party or gathering without stepping on an enormous land mine. His father did things that I thought were unforgivable at the time, and now after knowing him for years I understand (and accept) that they are just negative yet real aspects of his personality and I just have to deal with them. The same can be said for both of my parents. And all of them are well-meaning people. Well, mostly.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is this: You just don't speak each other's language quite yet, so the opportunities for losing things in translation, or misunderstanding an otherwise benign action, are enormous.

If I were you, I'd try to figure out what caused this misunderstanding, and then I'd approach my son and his new wife in a very open, and warm manner, and I'd tell them upfront that I just want to be in their lives, and to love them.

Good luck, ILander. I really hope you can get some resolution to this soon.

Excellent and insightful post, Haven!

My relationship with my MIL has been a bit bumpy, because bless her warm and generous heart, she and I are from completely different cultures and family backgrounds and we have constantly offended/hurt one another in total ignorance. I care for her deeply, but it is stressful to be together because we're constantly dancing around trying not to step in it.

It's a good thing that we have similar personalities and are both as quick to forgive as we are to get hurt. We both have to go outside our comfort zones to meet in the middle, and I am sure there have been as many times that I have inadvertently hurt or offended her as she has me. Things are much easier now, because we have developed enough of a relationship to recognize where the other person is coming from and let the bumps slide by.

It is very possible that something similar has happened between you and your DIL, but she is not so quick to forgive and instead is nursing resentment toward you for things that happened in the past, and the wedding was the 'final straw'.

I agree that it looks like she may have led your oblivious and inexperienced son down the garden path, but for the sake of your relationship with him, her, and any future children, it would be best to try to figure out where her negative opinion of you is coming from.

 

[Tuckins1]

Oh my, what a bitch. Sorry.

 

[lizzyann]

I just read this whole thread Ilander. This is a tough situation. I am so sorry. I wish you luck tonight when you meet with them. I hope she realizes that you were really sick and chose to bow out gracefully so that you didn't take away from her big day! I think that was very thoughtful of you. I am crossing my fingers for a good outcome so you all can move on from this!

 

[Cehrabehra]

I have no words of wisdom But I'll take you as my MIL!

AWWWW, thanks Sparky!

I was SO looking forward to a DIL! I will take you, if this one doesn't work out!

We will go to Sephora together, go try on shoes, bake stuff for the holidays, you can borrow my clothes, I will buy you Fiestaware in the color of your choice, if I see something I think you might like I will buy it for you (keeping the receipt and totally okay with returns), I will send you silly postcards, give you lots of hugs and smooches, listen to YOUR music, lend you my books, make you various pieces of jewelry under your direction, we will shop til we drop, watch old movies together, make popcorn on the stove, make fun of creepy people at the mall . . . well, basically all the stuff I do with my DD.

We will have such a BLAST!!

maybe you should write her a letter and include stuff like the above in a heartfelt plea to let her know exactly what you hope for... and DON'T mention your son anywhere... let her know this is only about the relationship you hope you can create with her. Then if she still snubs you at least you have written proof

 

[luckygirl333]

My thoughts are with you.

Your DIL sounds quite a bit like my husband's ex-wife . I hope for the sake of you and your family that she isn't, but if she is there really may be very little you can do.

You sound like a good person, and if I didn't already have a great MIL I would add my name to the waiting list you have growing!

Good luck.

Oh, and might (indirectly) encourage the new couple to WAIT a while to have kids (travel, freedom, money, fun...) just in case she isn't around for the long haul...

 

[iLander]

It didn't go well at all.

First she refused to look me in the eye, even when I was apologizing. She just nodded. I figured she was uncomfortable, so I let it go. They handed me the wedding album and i looked through the pictures, happy to see that there were three pictures of our side (out of 40+ pix, her brother-in-law took the pix). I was very complimentary saying that her mom seemed like a very nice person, her sister seemed nice, etc. She just kept looking away, kind of a pissed-off face.

I was in the kitchen and DH said we should clear the air, so we would all feel more comfortable. He said that I wasn't faking it, and what made her think I was? She says that she deals with a lot of lying cheating people at work (she deals with drug addicts) and she can tell when people are lying. What? DH and DD just about had a fit, and explained, in great detail that how sick I really was. They were starting to get pretty mad.

I broke in and asked her what kind of monster does she think I am? I sat down and explained to her that I didn't want to have the same kind of relationship that I had with my MIL. That I didn't want to spend the next 25 years with a pall hanging over every holiday, every birthday, every gathering. That I wanted to take her shopping, try on shoes together, do fun things and have a great relationship. DD was chiming in about how she wanted to get to know her and welcome to the family, and we all want to have fun together. I was basically pleading at this point, telling her a bunch of the awful things my MiL had said to me over the years and saying that I didn't want us to be like that. Want to know what she said?

"I'm not at real open place in my life right now. I've really been busy at work.'

Then DH said that her statement was divisive and she said "This is getting attacky, I have to go". My son said we have to work this out, and asked her to stay.

I said "I just opened up to you . . . " and blinked at her, kind of stunned.

She says, "I'm just so wrung out from work, maybe eventually,"

I swallowed that and said, "Do you think we can work this out?" and she said, pointing at my DH "I'm still smarting from him calling me divisive".

So that's pretty much how it went. We were very vulnerable and open, and she was closed and aloof. She kept trying to leave and kept saying we were attacking her. i think even my son could see her reaction, showing no emotion for anyone else, was a bit strange.

I finally snapped, because DD was crying and told my DIL "You are being incredibly self-centered! Don't you see how you're hurting people?"

and then they left.

My son has really F#@%ed up big time, marrying this bitch.

We all did the best we could, gave it our best shot.

I hope he at least sends us a card when the grandkids are born. I give up.

 

[blueiris]

I am so sorry. She sounds completely screwed up. I feel sorry for you, your husband, and your daughter - and for your son.

I went through a very hard time six months ago with someone so completely self-centered and cruel that it's still hard for me to believe he could be that way. It was during the most vulnerable and sad time of my life, which compounded things even more. We made a very tough decision, one that will impact us greatly and hurt us deeply for the rest of our lives, not to try any more with this person. What he did and said to us was unforgivable, especially given the circumstances, and we just couldn't continue to put ourselves through dealing with him (this was not one of my children, in case you're wondering). So in a way, I know how you feel and how you can want to give up on someone.

I just don't know what else to say, except how sorry I am. I am glad you have your husband and daughter to support you.

 

[Aoife]

I've been waiting for your report and

Wow.

I'm so, so sorry, iLander. It sounds just awful for all of you (your son, you, your DH and DD), and I can't even imagine where this leaves you. A lot might depend on how your son handles this with your DIL. Do you have any idea what the dynamic is between them? If he tells her, for example, that he's disappointed with the way she behaved, would she back down so she doesn't lose face with him, or would she escalate and accuse him of attacking her?

Sending good thoughts your way.

 

[fieryred33143]

I'm in the minority here and that's fine with me. This girl walked into a home with 3 people firing at her. If you wanted to talk things through, it needed to be alone.

I had a great relationship with my mil before I had a child. Now she treats me like crap (she treats my daughter wondefully which is why I put up with her bs). Had she done to me what you just did to her, I would have been mortified and hurt. This was not how to handle it. And putting your won in the middle? Wrong, just wrong.

You deal with these situations with your son first and in person. Then you chat with her in private, one on one. I'm mortified for your DIL and sad for your son. You aren't queen bee anymore to him so you need to pick your battles better. Honestly, you do sound like a drama queen of a MIL and I take it that you don't mean to be so time to rethink your approach.

ETA: I'm sure this is all part of learnings but I hope your son learns to never, ever repeat what his wife says to him in private unless she says it's ok (vice versa). He should have never repeated the words "attention ho" to you.

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

Oh iLander I'm so sorry that it didn't go so well **hugs**

I don't really have any advice for you but if it's any consolation I really feel like it doesn't matter what any of you said or did because she was never going to come to the party and she was always going to find some way to react the way she did.

It's not you or your family, it is her and she obviously has a lot of insecurities. I hope your son can see from this last episode that her behavior is not normal.

 

[TravelingGal]

It didn't go well at all.

First she refused to look me in the eye, even when I was apologizing. She just nodded. I figured she was uncomfortable, so I let it go. They handed me the wedding album and i looked through the pictures, happy to see that there were three pictures of our side (out of 40+ pix, her brother-in-law took the pix). I was very complimentary saying that her mom seemed like a very nice person, her sister seemed nice, etc. She just kept looking away, kind of a pissed-off face.

I was in the kitchen and DH said we should clear the air, so we would all feel more comfortable. He said that I wasn't faking it, and what made her think I was? She says that she deals with a lot of lying cheating people at work (she deals with drug addicts) and she can tell when people are lying. What? DH and DD just about had a fit, and explained, in great detail that how sick I really was. They were starting to get pretty mad.

I broke in and asked her what kind of monster does she think I am? I sat down and explained to her that I didn't want to have the same kind of relationship that I had with my MIL. That I didn't want to spend the next 25 years with a pall hanging over every holiday, every birthday, every gathering. That I wanted to take her shopping, try on shoes together, do fun things and have a great relationship. DD was chiming in about how she wanted to get to know her and welcome to the family, and we all want to have fun together. I was basically pleading at this point, telling her a bunch of the awful things my MiL had said to me over the years and saying that I didn't want us to be like that. Want to know what she said?

"I'm not at real open place in my life right now. I've really been busy at work.'

Then DH said that her statement was divisive and she said "This is getting attacky, I have to go". My son said we have to work this out, and asked her to stay.

I said "I just opened up to you . . . " and blinked at her, kind of stunned.

She says, "I'm just so wrung out from work, maybe eventually,"

I swallowed that and said, "Do you think we can work this out?" and she said, pointing at my DH "I'm still smarting from him calling me divisive".

So that's pretty much how it went. We were very vulnerable and open, and she was closed and aloof. She kept trying to leave and kept saying we were attacking her. i think even my son could see her reaction, showing no emotion for anyone else, was a bit strange.

I finally snapped, because DD was crying and told my DIL "You are being incredibly self-centered! Don't you see how you're hurting people?"and then they left.

My son has really F#@%ed up big time, marrying this bitch.
We all did the best we could, gave it our best shot.

I hope he at least sends us a card when the grandkids are born. I give up.

ilander...either your DIL is a psycho, or there are just things you are not telling us or perceiving about yourself. My guess is that the truth lies somewhere in the middle.

You can't FORCE people to have a relationship with you, no matter how badly you want it or have dreamed of it. Somehow, somewhere along the way, your DIL decided she didn't like you. Most rational people have a REASON for their dislike. And yes, there are irrational people too, but those are few and far between.

If you really wanted a relationship, you should have just made your feelings known and respected hers. Why push her? You put her on the defensive by asking her what kind of monster she thinks you are...that's a really awkward question. Why snap at her and say she's hurting people, basically insinuating that everything is her fault, she's terrible and if she doesn't play by yours rules, she's self centered? She said maybe eventually it could happen, but it seems you want it on your timeline.

Reading between the lines here, I'd say you're not really that into her and haven't been...saying your son f'd up marrying this "bitch"...it's probably something that you've thought along the way and she felt that vibe coming from you?

If there were three people in a room on my case, I'd be aloof too. Because the alternative would be to say something I regret. This conversation should have been done ONE ON ONE.