How do you teach about cut without offending diamond owners?

[kenny]

Date: 12/28/2009 11:16:21 AM
Author: lyra
How did they see the Octavia? I thought it wasn't set yet. Did I miss something?

So she yelled at her husband, got a replacement diamond, and guess what? They no longer talk to *me* because of it.

That's rather childish of them but I'm sorry they no longer talk to you.

You know this is a real interesting subject to me.
At the heart of it, this is all about you doing your job and others doing their job.
If I do your work for you, isn't that co-dependence? - or taking care of others in ways in which they should be taking care of themselves.
I read that book, "Co-dependent No More", and I think this scenario would be a good example of what that book is about.

I'm sure there are men and women who, after buying the normal poorly-cut diamond, see a great one, ask, get educated, learn they made the very common but unfortunate choice and just move forward without it being a big negative thing.

You might say that I did protect their feelings by mentioning that almost ALL diamonds are cut for weight, not light performance.
The problem is not them; it is the entire industry, and the problem will be solved when customers demand good cut.
I think by saying, "Oh, I just cleaned it.", I would be perpetuating the problem.
Plus, that is not giving an honest answer (when they asked) when you know better.

You are right the Octavia is not set yet.
It is just in one of those clip-ring holder thingies.
It was a Christmas gift and this came up on Christmas day.

 

[kenny]

Let me add . . .

Thanks for all the input.
It looks like it''s just about unanimous that I committed a faux paus, even though they asked and I was honest.
I''ll keep this in mind if this comes up in the future.

I''m a person who is not allowed to marry because of my orientation.
This may have resulted in me not "getting" the potential hurt here.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

I think I see this differently, because I wouldn''t presume to ''teach'' anyone about anything unless they were very specific about asking me to. Saying I just cleaned it isn''t going to perpetuate any problem, because there isn''t a problem to perpetuate. You''re talking about stones that people already own. If they want to buy another, then maybe at that point you could offer to teach them about cut (I personally wouldn''t, because since I learned much of what I know about diamonds on the internet, I''m assuming that anyone else could do the same if it was important to them).

Also, I think the ''it''s just been cleaned'' line is actually quite helpful, because even if the cut isn''t what you personally would like, I''m willing to bet it will look at least a little better after a good clean, making the most of it.

Bottom line for me is that I would never want to say anything that would have the potential to make someone no longer feel good about their diamond. At all.

 

[kenny]

Good point.
Thanks.

I'm learning.

Edit: I think it is the diamond-as-a-symbol-of-marriage part that I may understand on an intellectual level but not on a personal and emotional level since I've lived over half a century with marriage not being a possibility for me.
Does that make sense?

 

[Karl_K]

my rule is:
If they already own it find something nice to say because even the worst chunk of frozen spit is special to someone.

If someone is shopping I help them go the right direction for them.

Where it gets hard is when it is just general conversation and then I just keep it simple but factual.

In this case I would have said: different diamonds react to different lighting in different ways.
Totally true, easy to understand, have to look real hard to be insulted.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 12/28/2009 2:07:55 AM
Author: kenny
So even if they ask, and you know the answer is cut, you don''t tell them the truth?


I am totally 100% with you guys if the person did not initiate the conversation and ask.
I''d never bring anything up that would make someone feel bad about their diamond.

I think it is okay, even an honor, to be an ambassador for cut when asked.
How else do we drag the world out of the diamond dark ages? (pun intended)

Here on PS, IMO, it''s okay to flat out tell a person who is logged on and interacting asking about diamonds that cut is king, but in real life, one must tone things down. I was talking to a friend about cut and you know what? She didn''t have a clue as to what I was saying even though she had worked in a jewelery dept. before. Why make her feel bad? I just let them be and changed the subject VERY QUICKLY. It''s not our job to bring things out of the "diamond dark ages," if it means hurting a friend''s feelings and you cannot predict when that will happen, so it''s better to not say anything.

 

[Liane]

Date: 12/28/2009 12:11:42 PM
Author: kenny
Let me add . . .

Thanks for all the input.
It looks like it''s just about unanimous that I committed a faux paus, even though they asked and I was honest.
I''ll keep this in mind if this comes up in the future.

I''m a person who is not allowed to marry because of my orientation.
This may have resulted in me not ''getting'' the potential hurt here.

First, I wouldn''t worry too much about it being a faux pas. Under the circumstances, where the difference in diamond quality is obvious and other people ask of their own volition and your intent is clearly to educate rather than brag, I doubt anyone would get their feelings seriously bruised -- particularly if they''re looking to upgrade in the future and it wasn''t a scenario where a newly engaged girl was getting bad news interrupting her first glow of happiness. So, all in all, not a big deal.

Second, I suspect that orientation or legal ability to marry makes less of a difference than your emotional makeup (or mine, for that matter, since I tend to share your outlook on this one). I have made very similar mistakes in the past just because it honestly did not occur to me that anyone would be so sensitive when I was trying to help. Well, I sure learned better in a hurry!

Most women own one diamond: their engagement ring. In most cases, that was a financially and emotionally significant gift given to commemorate a major milestone in their relationship. In many cases, that diamond will never be changed or upgraded, and is viewed as symbolic of the relationship itself (hence all those common and well-meaning but misguided comments re: "he must love you a lot!" if the diamond is big, or the premium placed on a "pure" and "flawless" diamond by some cultures). Anything that could be construed as disparaging the diamond may therefore be interpreted as judging the relationship, or the parties'' financial position/priorities, or echoing other comments a hostile frenemy or in-law may have said in the past that you''ve got no clue about.

There''s such a thorny thicket of emotions around the engagement ring diamond that people are capable of deriving happiness from it years or decades later -- and, sometimes, taking offense to perceived slights about it just as long after. Most women, I think, don''t go to such extremes... but a not-insignificant percentage do. So, out of excessive caution and politeness, it''s prudent to assume that there might be someone like that in any group of people you address, and measure comments accordingly. If you know FOR SURE that none of your listeners are like this, then that concern can go out the window and you can educate away. Otherwise, better to assume somebody in the group has eggshell feelings and tread carefully. It might not be a big deal (and in your situation, again, I doubt it was), but always better to be careful.

(and yssie -- omg! I''d rather leave my diamond at home than gum it up with hand lotion! That there is going the extra mile for friendship.

)

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 12/28/2009 12:11:42 PM
Author: kenny
Let me add . . .

Thanks for all the input.
It looks like it''s just about unanimous that I committed a faux paus, even though they asked and I was honest.
I''ll keep this in mind if this comes up in the future.

Kenny - I just want to add to this (I kind of repeated myself in both posts) but you talk of "faux paus." One of the reasons I do not say anything anymore is because I swear, nearly HALF the time I make a comment on a friend''s piece of jewelery, I''ve ended up feeling as if I should have stuck my foot in my mouth instead!!!

Once I noticed a friend had a new band. I complimented her and she responded that she had to wear it b/c she lost her eng ring and couldn''t replace it. ooops! Another time, I complimented a friend on her wedding set and she responded that it was an uncomfortable topic because it was inherited vs. picked out. ooops again! Another time, a friend had on gorgeous diamond stud earrings and I asked her about them and she took one of the earrings right out of her ear so I could see it and then and told the story of how she ended up with such beautiful earrings. Ah! One good ending.

 

[kenny]

Hi, my name is Kenny.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 12/28/2009 1:12:44 PM
Author: kenny
Kenny.

lol!!!

 

[Regular Guy]

Kenny,

3 points:

Date: 12/28/2009 12:11:42 PM
Author: kenny

Thanks for all the input.
It looks like it's just about unanimous that I committed a faux paus, even though they asked and I was honest.
I'll keep this in mind if this comes up in the future.

1) Without having double checked...that's not my read. I think many agreed with your comments.

I'm a person who is not allowed to marry because of my orientation.
This may have resulted in me not 'getting' the potential hurt here.

2) Based on a casual read of the newspaper, this is getting to be increasingly untrue...not as in..partially pregnant...but that...many people of the same sex are married lawfully in this country...in so far perhaps selected states...but fully lawfully nonetheless.

3) All of the above can be allowed if they provided you cause for your last picture with your foot in your mouth. Pretty funny!

 

[kenny]

Yes, marriage equality is slowly catching on, though not without a huge fight.

That's great for today's kids.
They are growing up in a more equal world, but after 50 years you're kind of already wired.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Kenny, if that''s the worst faux pas you ever manage, you''re a better person than I''ll ever be, my friend! Sorry if my post sounded harsh, it wasn''t meant to.

I am sorry that you''ve experienced the cruelty of discrimination in your personal life. Come to Scotland. You can get married here and we''ll throw you one heck of a party! Even if you are an old bloke (kidding!).

Jen

 

[kenny]

Thanks MM.
Frankly, nothing sounds harsh to me.

Actually, I really like it when people let loose and really speak their minds.

I'm not of the opinion that the goal of conversation should be arriving at agreement.
Everyone's perspective just coexists. (This attitude bothers some people.)

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Cool!

I love a good wedding, though. When can we expect you?

 

[kenny]

Oye, I don't like weddings or funerals, mine or anyone's.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Spoilsport! I wanna see your diamonds.