blacksand
Brilliant_Rock
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2010
- Messages
- 889
Let me start out by saying this is NOT a FSIL rant. My FSIL is a very nice woman whom I like very much. I just feel like there's this awkwardness there that I want to try to address.
Before I met FI's family, he warned me. His sister, though younger than he, is very protective of him. He was married before. Apparently his sister never told him what she thought of his ex until after they divorced. He then made her promise that if she ever had any doubts about anyone he dated, she would tell him upfront. So she began openly scruntinizing all his girlfriends from then on. Super. So I was terrified to meet her. Horrified. But she was very nice, and has been very nice since then. She greets me with a hug, asks me relevant questions about my work, gives presents and cards on special occasions, etc. She's perfectly nice, and I can't complain. But it all feels very...formal.
I have never had an opportunity to spend time with her away from the guys (FI and her husband). I've tried to come up with some way for us to spend time together, but she really isn't very social. She doesn't enjoy going out. She doesn't really have girlfriends. She doesn't drink. She doesn't enjoy girly things like spa days or manicures. She lives an hour and some change away, so it's too far to just "drop by." If we do go anywhere, she usually doesn't stay more than an hour or two before she leaves to "take care of her pets," and she is now pregnant, so she is often tired (understandably!), and doesn't get out of the house much. I tried so hard to organize a party for her 30th birthday. But she wouldn't have it. She said all she wanted to do was fold laundry and/or visit the Holocaust museum (yeah, I don't know, either. It's a lovely museum. But not exactly a fun way to spend your 30th birthday). So FI and I offered to pet sit while she and her husband went to the museum, or wherever else they wanted. We were turned down. We offered to help them move when they bought their house. Nope. We offered to help paint the nursery when she found out she was having a boy. She said yes. Then she had her husband paint last weekend. So I guess we're not helping with that. I was looking forward to a little girl bonding time when she had her baby shower next month. But it was just announced that they're doing a co-ed shower. So it will be like always. I'll be seated with FI. I'll give her a hug, exchange some pleasantries and give her our present. And then we'll go our separate ways.
So I get it. She's not a very social person. She doesn't like accepting help from anyone. I get that I can't make her like me or mold her into the kind of sister-in-law I want. I like her for who she is. But I really want to have a good relationship with her. I want to have a good relationship with my future nephew!
When FI and I got engaged, he called her with the news. I didn't speak to her, but I could hear her say, multiple times, that she was "surprised." It shouldn't have been surprising. FI had spoken to his whole family about his intention to propose to me. But that's all she said. So I spent about a week thinking "OMG she hates me." But then we got a lovely card from her in the mail congratulating us and saying how happy she is for us. So...okay. I sent her an email to thank her for the lovely card and told her how excited I am not only to marry her wonderful brother, but also to have such a wonderful sister-in-law and to become part of her wonderful family. No reply. I later posted something on facebook about wedding planning, and she commented almost immediately saying "don't you have a year and a half to plan? Anyway, remember, it's not about planning a wedding, it's about being ready for a marriage." I was seriously hurt by this, because I found it condescending, especially given that I had just e-mailed her about family and love and all that and got no acknowledgement. It's not like I've even talked to her about wedding planning. But I talked to FI, and he saw no harm in what she wrote at all and thought she meant something more like "don't worry, you have the rest of your lives together." I know I am somewhat oversensitive in all of this, so I choose to trust his judgment there and am letting go of any negative feelings.
I guess I am spoiled, because I am used to my own family. They are warm, welcoming, and very demonstrative. I also come from a large family. We're used to welcoming new in-laws into the fold. We're pros at it by now! But FI's family is very small. I only get one shot at having a good relationship with my FSIL. And she is a very nice person, but hardly warm, welcoming, or demonstrative. So I am trying to relate to her on her own terms. Any advice? Should I just give it up and accept that we'll never be friends?
I'm sorry I wrote a novel. I just feel like I need to talk to someone about this, but I don't want to put FI in the middle of anything. So I've been holding it in for a long time now.
Before I met FI's family, he warned me. His sister, though younger than he, is very protective of him. He was married before. Apparently his sister never told him what she thought of his ex until after they divorced. He then made her promise that if she ever had any doubts about anyone he dated, she would tell him upfront. So she began openly scruntinizing all his girlfriends from then on. Super. So I was terrified to meet her. Horrified. But she was very nice, and has been very nice since then. She greets me with a hug, asks me relevant questions about my work, gives presents and cards on special occasions, etc. She's perfectly nice, and I can't complain. But it all feels very...formal.
I have never had an opportunity to spend time with her away from the guys (FI and her husband). I've tried to come up with some way for us to spend time together, but she really isn't very social. She doesn't enjoy going out. She doesn't really have girlfriends. She doesn't drink. She doesn't enjoy girly things like spa days or manicures. She lives an hour and some change away, so it's too far to just "drop by." If we do go anywhere, she usually doesn't stay more than an hour or two before she leaves to "take care of her pets," and she is now pregnant, so she is often tired (understandably!), and doesn't get out of the house much. I tried so hard to organize a party for her 30th birthday. But she wouldn't have it. She said all she wanted to do was fold laundry and/or visit the Holocaust museum (yeah, I don't know, either. It's a lovely museum. But not exactly a fun way to spend your 30th birthday). So FI and I offered to pet sit while she and her husband went to the museum, or wherever else they wanted. We were turned down. We offered to help them move when they bought their house. Nope. We offered to help paint the nursery when she found out she was having a boy. She said yes. Then she had her husband paint last weekend. So I guess we're not helping with that. I was looking forward to a little girl bonding time when she had her baby shower next month. But it was just announced that they're doing a co-ed shower. So it will be like always. I'll be seated with FI. I'll give her a hug, exchange some pleasantries and give her our present. And then we'll go our separate ways.
So I get it. She's not a very social person. She doesn't like accepting help from anyone. I get that I can't make her like me or mold her into the kind of sister-in-law I want. I like her for who she is. But I really want to have a good relationship with her. I want to have a good relationship with my future nephew!
When FI and I got engaged, he called her with the news. I didn't speak to her, but I could hear her say, multiple times, that she was "surprised." It shouldn't have been surprising. FI had spoken to his whole family about his intention to propose to me. But that's all she said. So I spent about a week thinking "OMG she hates me." But then we got a lovely card from her in the mail congratulating us and saying how happy she is for us. So...okay. I sent her an email to thank her for the lovely card and told her how excited I am not only to marry her wonderful brother, but also to have such a wonderful sister-in-law and to become part of her wonderful family. No reply. I later posted something on facebook about wedding planning, and she commented almost immediately saying "don't you have a year and a half to plan? Anyway, remember, it's not about planning a wedding, it's about being ready for a marriage." I was seriously hurt by this, because I found it condescending, especially given that I had just e-mailed her about family and love and all that and got no acknowledgement. It's not like I've even talked to her about wedding planning. But I talked to FI, and he saw no harm in what she wrote at all and thought she meant something more like "don't worry, you have the rest of your lives together." I know I am somewhat oversensitive in all of this, so I choose to trust his judgment there and am letting go of any negative feelings.
I guess I am spoiled, because I am used to my own family. They are warm, welcoming, and very demonstrative. I also come from a large family. We're used to welcoming new in-laws into the fold. We're pros at it by now! But FI's family is very small. I only get one shot at having a good relationship with my FSIL. And she is a very nice person, but hardly warm, welcoming, or demonstrative. So I am trying to relate to her on her own terms. Any advice? Should I just give it up and accept that we'll never be friends?
I'm sorry I wrote a novel. I just feel like I need to talk to someone about this, but I don't want to put FI in the middle of anything. So I've been holding it in for a long time now.