Future sister-in-law frustration

[Treasure43]

My FSIN lives about 2 hours away and she irriates the heck out of me. She''s completly different than his parents and my FF. She''s EXTREMELY materialistic,intense, dramatic, and high-maintance, all things that are HUGE pet peeves of mine. She throws fits when she doesn''t get her way (she''s 27) and just a few months ago both his parents had to drive down to calm her down because her husband "couldn''t handle her". She walks all over him and when the four of us are together he always ASSUMES that I''m exactly like her and will be just as demanding as she is. It irritates me. She does have a good heart but she''s completely concerned with material things and always has to get her way. It''s gotten to the point where everyone just gives her what she wants so she won''t throw a fit and ruin everyone''s good time.

She''s told FF that she wants to get to know me better and wants him and I to come spend a weekend with her and her husband. Her husband is extremely laid-back and down to earth and he''s not bad to be around but I feel stressed just being around her. She reminds me a bit of my controlling, dramatic, manipulative, intense mother and that may be where a lot of my irritation is. He knows that she and I are completely opposite and understands how I feel. However, I can''t help not wanting to be around her and have NO desire to go and spend a weekend at her place. Maybe if we met somewhere in the middle where I wasn''t having to spend a whole weekend with her. Part of my is dissapointed because I''m an only child and I always pictured that my future sister-in-law and I would get along well. Maybe I''m being to harsh. I don''t know. Any suggestions?

 

[sugarjo]

oh dear, that''s a toughie. i also have a difficult FSIL. However, my FI is a twin and it''s his twins wife that can, oh, irritate me.
my only advise is to just try and roll with it... yeah it sucks and you want to shake her and say "who the F$%&* do you think you''re kidding", but that won''t bode well with your FF. Sounds like the whole fam realizes how she can be and has given up hope for grown up behavior, but that doesn''t mean you can''t have a decent relationship with her..... from a distance. You might be surprised if you put in a little effort, not at her, but at your ability to be a patient and tolerate women.

 

[megumic]

Oh I know the feeling! My brother was in a relationship for 6 years and I thought she would be my FSIL, but he dumped her! It''s such a terrible, disappointing feeling knowing that you just can''t seem to get along or like the other person when you truly want to. I actually hated when the holidays came around because I''d have to see her and it put my brother in such a tough spot that our relationship began to suffer. I totally feel your pain...

The older I get, the more I feel certain that family is one of life''s biggest challenges. (At least for me!) The only advice I can offer, and have learned recently from a situation with my parents is: we just don''t get to choose who our family is (with the exception of our spouse.) This is part of life''s challenge - we can work hard and try because these people were brought into our support system, or we can choose to not have them as a major part of our life. Even with children - you get what you get.

Her behavior is childish and insecure. Don''t be afraid to let her know she stresses you out by acting the way she does. Take control of not letting her feel the way she makes you feel. Your idea of meeting somewhere for the weekend is a start - it''s neutral ground and allows equal parts control. Or let her come be your house guest - that is a true sign of who someone is IMHO.

Good luck...be hopeful that it will improve, and she might even surprise you one day!

 

[Haven]

It sounds like she''s making an effort to reach out to you, perhaps try to give her the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming that it''s going to be a horrible experience. People can surprise you, especially if you don''t know them very well.

 

[Dannielle]

Date: 4/16/2009 11:21:53 PM
Author: Haven
It sounds like she''s making an effort to reach out to you, perhaps try to give her the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming that it''s going to be a horrible experience. People can surprise you, especially if you don''t know them very well.

I''d have to agree.

I think you should go.. your SO would probably really appreciate it and atleast you have made the effort

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 4/17/2009 3:46:42 AM
Author: Dannielle

Date: 4/16/2009 11:21:53 PM

Author: Haven

It sounds like she''s making an effort to reach out to you, perhaps try to give her the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming that it''s going to be a horrible experience. People can surprise you, especially if you don''t know them very well.

I''d have to agree.


I think you should go.. your SO would probably really appreciate it and atleast you have made the effort

thirtto

. Plus, if you still wind up not liking her, you will know that you made the effort. and sometimes, thats just half the battle. Plus, she does live about 2 hours away.
as a side note, it sounds like maybe she is insecure about something, which makes her act out. Maybe you''ll find out (why), and it might shed a new light on her (i did with a friends Fi, and now she and i get along great! you just have to find the common ground).

 

[FroggyMont]

That does stink, but I do think that you have to go. It might be hard but in the long run, I am sure that your SO will appreciate you going and making the effort. Then just be glad that they live 2 hours away and you won''t have to go a lot

 

[makemepretty]

Holy crap, you just described my sister to a T, even her exact age! I had to check to make sure you weren''t my sister in law Ha ha. My SIL and I have discussed this many times. My sister too has a good heart but wants everything her way or you get an earful. We''ve finally learned to let her throw a fit and ignore it. Be the bigger person and not argue with her. If you know she''s being materialistic don''t make a big deal about her large purchases. Realize, she has no power over you if you don''t agree with her. She will continue to thrive in her drama filled world no matter what you do, so just act like yourself and try not to let her get under your skin.


It''s hard I know. The world does not revolve around her, eventually she''ll have to learn this. Her parents should NOT be driving to calm her down, she''s a grown up for petes sake! In fact, I just had this happen. My sister was having a big ol'' fit and my mom wanted me to drive over an hour 1/2 to her house to settle her. I refused to. My parents are divorced and my mom wanted me to ask my dad if he would go up to my sisters. I said NO, I would not call him and ask him to do that, my sister needs to learn to handle the drama she creates.

Months ago, my sister wanted me to watch her toddler who she has strict food rules for(not for allergies, just her choices). I said I would gladly watch him but he''d eat what we were having-spaghetti. He wasn''t allowed to eat a single thing in my home, she''d send all his food for him for the overnight visit. She called me all sorts of names and insulted me, my children and husband. I didn''t give in. She has since lifted most of her restrictions on his eating-his pediatrician said he was not gaining weight as he should and what the heck was she doing for such a dramatic change?

You can''t give in to her. Treat her how you''d treat any NORMAL person and refuse to deal with her drama. If you and your Fiance stick to that rule, maybe eventually other family members will follow and she''ll become a little better. Don''t expect miracles though

 

[purrfectpear]

I would suck it up and go.

I think you are projecting your issues with your mom onto your SIL.

Remember...

1. You aren''t married to her. How she treats her hubs isn''t your affair.

2. You aren''t her parent. How they react to her isn''t your affair.

3. Her values don''t affect your values, thus....you guessed it, not your affair.

 

[lliang_chi]

You''ll be going with your SO right? Just hang out with him and keep an open mind. Good luck

 

[ahappygirl]

I would go, be gracious and friendly, but not try to be her best friend (unlikely!!

). Just be your ADULT self and don''t let her suck you in to any of her antics. If she acts up I wouldn''t comment one way or the other, just don''t engage her / change the subject (there are limits here, though.) If this visit turns out to be her way of testing your limits, she will find out quickly you just won''t play.

Your FI will probably appreciate your effort. Yippee she doesn''t live closer.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 4/17/2009 8:47:24 AM
Author: makemepretty
Holy crap, you just described my sister to a T, even her exact age! I had to check to make sure you weren''t my sister in law Ha ha. My SIL and I have discussed this many times. My sister too has a good heart but wants everything her way or you get an earful. We''ve finally learned to let her throw a fit and ignore it. Be the bigger person and not argue with her. If you know she''s being materialistic don''t make a big deal about her large purchases. Realize, she has no power over you if you don''t agree with her. She will continue to thrive in her drama filled world no matter what you do, so just act like yourself and try not to let her get under your skin.


It''s hard I know. The world does not revolve around her, eventually she''ll have to learn this. Her parents should NOT be driving to calm her down, she''s a grown up for petes sake! In fact, I just had this happen. My sister was having a big ol'' fit and my mom wanted me to drive over an hour 1/2 to her house to settle her. I refused to. My parents are divorced and my mom wanted me to ask my dad if he would go up to my sisters. I said NO, I would not call him and ask him to do that, my sister needs to learn to handle the drama she creates.

Months ago, my sister wanted me to watch her toddler who she has strict food rules for(not for allergies, just her choices). I said I would gladly watch him but he''d eat what we were having-spaghetti. He wasn''t allowed to eat a single thing in my home, she''d send all his food for him for the overnight visit. She called me all sorts of names and insulted me, my children and husband. I didn''t give in. She has since lifted most of her restrictions on his eating-his pediatrician said he was not gaining weight as he should and what the heck was she doing for such a dramatic change?

You can''t give in to her. Treat her how you''d treat any NORMAL person and refuse to deal with her drama. If you and your Fiance stick to that rule, maybe eventually other family members will follow and she''ll become a little better. Don''t expect miracles though

I know that her actions have nothing to do directly with me however they DO impact me because I find myself irritable around her. I always feel like she''s assessing me, which is quite uncomfortable. I do ignore her drama but I can''t help but have it make me feel anxious. I do realize I''m giving her a lot of control over my feelings, but it''s very hard to seperate. I just ignore the materialism while thinking in my head "you MUST be kidding me". Perhaps one day she will learn that life does not alwyas go her way and I AM trying to give her a chance. As one of my friends who met her put it "she''s just unlikeable". However, I do need to go and spend some time with her and try to see past the things that irriate me.

 

[bee*]

Date: 4/16/2009 11:21:53 PM
Author: Haven
It sounds like she''s making an effort to reach out to you, perhaps try to give her the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming that it''s going to be a horrible experience. People can surprise you, especially if you don''t know them very well.

I agree. I think that it''s nice that she''s making the effort so I''d definitely go along. It''s only for a few days and you might get along with her better than you think.

 

[CurlySue]

I agree with many of the other posts and think you should go and do your best to be open to the situation. You will never be able to control how she acts, but you can always control how you react to her.

Just curious... does your FF know how you feel? And if he doesn''t, is there a way you can let him know that sometimes she pushes you a bit to the edge? I couldn''t quite tell if he knows your full perspective on this. I can understand if that is a tough thing to tell him, but maybe there is a way you can say it so he understands you might feel uncomfortable and won''t be surprised if you aren''t quite yourself throughout the visit.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I don''t have a great relationship with my SIL...but in the beginning (which sounds like where you are in your relationship) I always made an effort, constantly hopeful that my effort would win her over.

You don''t have to be her best friend, but if you love your boyfriend then part of that is making efforts with his family.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 4/17/2009 12:35:18 PM
Author: CurlySue
I agree with many of the other posts and think you should go and do your best to be open to the situation. You will never be able to control how she acts, but you can always control how you react to her.

Just curious... does your FF know how you feel? And if he doesn''t, is there a way you can let him know that sometimes she pushes you a bit to the edge? I couldn''t quite tell if he knows your full perspective on this. I can understand if that is a tough thing to tell him, but maybe there is a way you can say it so he understands you might feel uncomfortable and won''t be surprised if you aren''t quite yourself throughout the visit.

To answer your question, I''ve told him in nice terms how stressed she makes me and he understands when I''m not myself around her.

I''m not entirely sure where the idea of her wanting to get to know me better came from. He said something to me about how his sister told his mother she wanted to get to know me better, however she may have just meant she wanted us to come up and visit. I don''t eally know since it''s third hand info.

I truely do try to give her the benfit of thedoubt every time and try to find things we might have in common...it''s tough though. We have the same occupation and went to the same college but that''s the extent of it (minus both of us caring about him). However I know since I care about him that this is something that I need to do. It''s just tough I guess.

 

[LadyBlue]

What I will say is that she is your boyfriend''s sister, and in some way you should tried to spend time with them, you don''t have to be her best friend, but it''s good for you to have a cordial relatioship with his family. Remember she is his sister, and I''m sure that he does love her.

 

[White Orchid]

Date: 4/18/2009 9:37:59 AM
Author: gaby06
What I will say is that she is your boyfriend''s sister, and in some way you should tried to spend time with them, you don''t have to be her best friend, but it''s good for you to have a cordial relatioship with his family. Remember she is his sister, and I''m sure that he does love her.

Ditto.

The last thing you want to do is make your boyfriend choose between you and her. He may pick you, but in the end he''ll resent you for it. Ultimately family comes first for most people, and if you want to be a part of that it takes hard work and sacrifice.

Remember that venting with friends is a healthy and normal coping mechanism. We''re here to help!

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 4/18/2009 6:26:37 PM
Author: White Orchid

Date: 4/18/2009 9:37:59 AM
Author: gaby06
What I will say is that she is your boyfriend''s sister, and in some way you should tried to spend time with them, you don''t have to be her best friend, but it''s good for you to have a cordial relatioship with his family. Remember she is his sister, and I''m sure that he does love her.

Ditto.

The last thing you want to do is make your boyfriend choose between you and her. He may pick you, but in the end he''ll resent you for it. Ultimately family comes first for most people, and if you want to be a part of that it takes hard work and sacrifice.

Remember that venting with friends is a healthy and normal coping mechanism. We''re here to help!

Don''t worry, I have no intention to make him choose. I want to be a part of the family and get along with her. Sometimes it''s just difficult for me to enjoy being a part of it when she''s acting up.

 

[White Orchid]

I hear your frustration. Family can be so much work! *hugs to you*