"Are you pregnant?"

[yennyfire]

Re: Re:

Nope. I don't ask.
The only time I'd talk about a pregnancy with an acquaintance is if they mention it.

This. I've been the unfortunate lass in an empire style dress who was asked that question and it sent me to a very dark place that took a while to dig myself out of. I NEVER bring it up first. Once someone makes a comment about their due date, morning sickness, etc. I congratulate them...otherwise, I keep my mouth shut tight!

 

[pregcurious]

Re:

When you're asking someone if you're really pregnant, you are really asking this:

Are you pregnant? Or does your lower gut stick out in a manner that you just *look* pregnant?

If you don't want to ask the 2nd question, don't ask the 1st

Pregcurious

 

[arkieb1]

Re:

Yes I agree, if you have to ask the question and you don't know the person well enough to already know the answer then you should NOT be asking the question.

 

[Niel]

Re:

Its not even if you don't know the person well enough.

Example.


One time I was very early in my pregnancy. Like, just took a test hadn't confirmed it with the doctors yet early.
I went to a lunch at my parents with them and my sister. When I got there someone offered me a beer. I politely declined. My mother and sister saw that. Then right after my dad came out from another room and asked if I wanted one. I politely declined. Now my mother, the nosey little woman she is, went to the kitchen, poored me a glass of wine, shoved it in my face and goes "here it's new! Just try a little!" Now this was all within a span of about 3 minutes. And she had seen me decline it every time it was offered. She was clearly doing it to see if I'd decline even a sip, as like I say she's nosey, and no doubt trying to see if I'm pregnant as she knows we were trying.
I snapped at her because I was both hormonal and that was super obnoxious. My sister saw the whole thing. So my sister pulled me aside later and said "are you pregnant?!"

Oh I was so mad! How dare they I thought. It was my secret and something I wanted to share on my own time. I'm a very private person. And if something were to happen its not a conversation I wanted to have to have with anyone other than my DH.
I just felt violated in a way.

 

[arkieb1]

Re:

This is true when it's ill timed or really insensitive then that is a bad idea as well!!!

I had to tell my mother several times over that I was pregnant because she didn't believe me, she was saying are you sure? Did you actually go to a doctor? And things like that..... My husbands mother didn't hear him/take in what he was saying and kept on talking over the top of my husband when he told her. It took over 8 years to finally get pregnant, they were shocked because everyone thought it would never happen for us (we are older parents).

 

[Rhea]

Re:

I've asked a couple times. Last time was DH's friend's wife who, because of the lifestyle they chose we rarely see. K wasn't drinking at our yearly Thanksgiving so was asked if she was trying or pregnant. She said that she was pregnant and was about 3 months along. They tend to be a couple who don't announce anything so I think they'll continue to get questions unless they indicate an annoyance with questions.

For example, this couple had us around for dinner one evening ages ago and had tons of champagne sitting on a shelf. We asked them why and were told hadn't gotten around to drinking it all. So I asked if it was left over from NYE, for upcoming birthday, or if they had gotten engaged. They said they had gotten engaged several weeks before and were given it by family. We were the first of their friends to know and they didn't actually ever make an announcement. Since becoming a couple they have really gone into themselves. This used to be a very tight group of 5 friends and even though they meet up less as they've grown up they are still there for major events, except this couple who needs to be asked direct questions to get any answers. I'm sure they like it this way, but I must be honest, I'm pleased that someone directly asked if K was pregnant as I directly asked if they were engaged. I doubt we'd know anything otherwise.

Other than this situation mentioned above I wouldn't ask other than my sister, who I'm very close to. If it's a female I don't know I just make the assumption that she isn't. It does mean that I never offer my seat up on the tube because I don't want someone to think I'm calling them fat. I sometimes read about pregnant women not being offered seats sometimes, but it honestly can't go both ways - I'm not to ever ask a woman if she's pregnant but also offer her a seat on public transport.

 

[Laila619]

Re:

I don't think it's okay if they just look slightly chubby, but when a woman is obviously very, very pregnant, (I'm talking huge beach ball tummy, 30+ weeks along) I would think she'd be offended if you didn't comment or say congrats or acknowledge it. When strangers ask when I'm due or say congrats, I always think it's sweet.

I generally have a big tummy even when I'm not pregnant, but fortunately I've never had anyone say anything.

 

[TooPatient]

Re: Re:

I don't think it's okay if they just look slightly chubby, but when a woman is obviously very, very pregnant, (I'm talking huge beach ball tummy, 30+ weeks along) I would think she'd be offended if you didn't comment or say congrats or acknowledge it. When strangers ask when I'm due or say congrats, I always think it's sweet.

I generally have a big tummy even when I'm not pregnant, but fortunately I've never had anyone say anything.

That is where it gets tricky. I'd LOVE to congratulate a woman who is pregnant but I've known women who have the "huge beach ball tummy, 30+ weeks along" and aren't pregnant. There is one in particular who has always looked that way and I thought maybe I was just remembering wrong in my mind but she definitely looks 30+ weeks pregnant when I saw her again just last year.

Maybe if she's shopping for infant clothing with the big 30+ weeks stomach?

 

[Niel]

Re: Re:

I don't think it's okay if they just look slightly chubby, but when a woman is obviously very, very pregnant, (I'm talking huge beach ball tummy, 30+ weeks along) I would think she'd be offended if you didn't comment or say congrats or acknowledge it. When strangers ask when I'm due or say congrats, I always think it's sweet.

I generally have a big tummy even when I'm not pregnant, but fortunately I've never had anyone say anything.

That is where it gets tricky. I'd LOVE to congratulate a woman who is pregnant but I've known women who have the "huge beach ball tummy, 30+ weeks along" and aren't pregnant. There is one in particular who has always looked that way and I thought maybe I was just remembering wrong in my mind but she definitely looks 30+ weeks pregnant when I saw her again just last year.

Maybe if she's shopping for infant clothing with the big 30+ weeks stomach?

There's a woman at my work who is this! She just got hired so it's not like I've gotten spxsee of she has "grown" recently or thisnia her normal body. She wore a belt up over her belly, around her ribs, with a t shirt and jeans the other day. That's totally a pregnancy thing! I honestly have no idea. Bit I won't ask!

I like to see what they wear. You can notice belly bands, elastic band pants, and those shirts with the munching electic on the sides.

 

[jazzoboe]

Still be careful. I was picking up a newborn outfit today for my best friend who is expecting and I was serious worrying someone would try to congratulate me before I could get to the gift wrap section. Luckily no one did.

I did get asked if I was pregnant at least 4 times within a couple of months 2 years ago while I was teaching summer reading classes. One was a 7 year old student, but the rest were parents. I. Was. Livid. But I couldn't say anything rude back or I could have lost my job. I was also already seriously dieting at the time. Sadly I am back up to my highest weight now but I have to admit I sometimes drink when I'm around friends and family even if I don't feel like it just so they won't think I'm pregnant.

Ugh, I hate thyroid disease. Seriously, anyone who has issues with their weight and can't lose with diet and exercise, get your thyroid levels checked, do some research and do not settle for a doctor who says your levels are normal just because they are "in range." Too many doctors just don't have a clue how to deal with thyroid issues, and too many people don't get proper treatment.

Rant/PSA over. To answer the question, I'm in the "don't ask even if the baby is crowning" camp. Just don't.

 

[movie zombie]

Re:

well, one could get snarky and respond with, "why, are you afraid your husband is cheating?".........no more rude than the question.

or "why on earth would you ask such a rude question?!" and then remove yourself from the vicinity of that person.

kids are one thing, adults another......we tolerate too much rude behavior in this society in the misconception that it is impolite to call people on their rudeness.

 

[jaysonsmom]

Re:

If it makes anyone feel better, you don't need to be overweight or have a protruding belly to get asked the "are you pregnant?" question. I wore the outfit below on a casual work day and one stupid coworker asked me if it were a maternity outfit, and if that was my way of announcing my pregnancy! I was mortified, and took a pic just see if I really looked pregnant! Note to self......never wearing stuff like that again!

 

[AGBF]

Re: Re:

If it makes anyone feel better, you don't need to be overweight or have a protruding belly to get asked the "are you pregnant?" question. I wore the outfit below on a casual work day and one stupid coworker asked me if it were a maternity outfit, and if that was my way of announcing my pregnancy! I was mortified, and took a pic just see if I really looked pregnant! Note to self......never wearing stuff like that again!

When I was in my 30's in the late 1980's and early 1990's billowing cotton Laura Ashley dresses were in fashion. I wore those to work with stockings and black patent leather high heels and for about ten years everyone thought I was pregnant although I was not overweight. I used to say it was the longest running pregnancy in history. The irony was that for many of those years I was actually trying to get pregnant. I have wondered if, subconsciously, I didn't enjoy the feeling that others sometimes thought I was. Then I adopted my daughter and had to decide whether I wanted to continue to work or to be a stay-at-home mom...and since I then 41 I decided to give mothering all I had and quit work! So no more Laura Ashley dresses and no more "pregnancy". But I had a baby girl.

Deb/AGBF

 

[nkarma]

Re: Re:

I find no point of asking. Here's why:

If I'm close enough to ask a person this question, without being nosy or intrusive, I will already know the answer.

If I'm not close enough to already know, it's none of my business.

In general, I find this a good rule of thumb for just about any question, except for superficial questions (about the weather, etc).

This EXACTLY.

To me personally, the question isn't about whether I look pregnant. It's about if we knew each other, you would know if I was pregnant when I wanted to tell you. Why would you ask such a personal question? It's like the question do you love me. No need to ask, you should know the answer.

 

[nkarma]

Re: Re:

If it makes anyone feel better, you don't need to be overweight or have a protruding belly to get asked the "are you pregnant?" question. I wore the outfit below on a casual work day and one stupid coworker asked me if it were a maternity outfit, and if that was my way of announcing my pregnancy! I was mortified, and took a pic just see if I really looked pregnant! Note to self......never wearing stuff like that again!

Please don't let one rude personal with bad fashion sense dictate your clothing choice. I love that dress, very stylish and beautiful. Looks lovely on you which I think most people would agree.

 

[AGBF]

Re: Re:

If it makes anyone feel better, you don't need to be overweight or have a protruding belly to get asked the "are you pregnant?" question. I wore the outfit below on a casual work day and one stupid coworker asked me if it were a maternity outfit, and if that was my way of announcing my pregnancy! I was mortified, and took a pic just see if I really looked pregnant! Note to self......never wearing stuff like that again!

Please don't let one rude personal with bad fashion sense dictate your clothing choice. I love that dress, very stylish and beautiful. Looks lovely on you which I think most people would agree.

Well, I certainly do. But then, when I was thin I didn't care how many people thought I looked pregnant. When I was fat, I cared a great deal!!! And when my skinny daughter once put on weight due to psychiatric medication (and put it all on right in her waistline) she was absolutely traumatized at being thought to be pregnant! I really do think it is being overweight-or feeling overweight-that makes women hear, "you are fat" when asked if they are pregnant. If the women feel thin, being thought to be pregnant is not so traumatic. Which does not mean that anyone should ever ask a woman if she is pregnant!!!!!!!!


AGBF

 

[justginger]

Re:

Yet another reason to not ask is the fact no one knows if a woman has struggled with infertility, miscarriages, and IS pregnant. She may not want it to be public information, especially if she lost a baby she had announced in the past. One of my registrars was built very delicately, probably 5'2" and 100-110 lbs, and was seriously about 35 weeks before she would confirm her pregnancy. She was 2/3rds baby by then, perfectly round and completely off-balance. Prior to that, people had asked - she first straight denied, and then later on said she didn't know what they were talking about. She and her husband had a very, very difficult time conceiving and she simply didn't want it to be a public matter until she was very sure all was well.

 

[ForteKitty]

Re: Re:

Yet another reason to not ask is the fact no one knows if a woman has struggled with infertility, miscarriages, and IS pregnant. She may not want it to be public information, especially if she lost a baby she had announced in the past.

This. I had a miscarriage back in Feb. Yesterday, someone at work asked if i was pregnant because she "sees a belly". I said, "Actually, I had a miscarriage a few months ago. You probably shouldn't be asking people that because you might remind them of their dead fetus. Unless you're purposely trying to be a prick?" Shut her right up. She stammered some apology and I told her "we're done with this conversation" and walked away.

 

[Niel]

Re: Re:

Yet another reason to not ask is the fact no one knows if a woman has struggled with infertility, miscarriages, and IS pregnant. She may not want it to be public information, especially if she lost a baby she had announced in the past.

This. I had a miscarriage back in Feb. Yesterday, someone at work asked if i was pregnant because she "sees a belly". I said, "Actually, I had a miscarriage a few months ago. You probably shouldn't be asking people that because you might remind them of their dead fetus. Unless you're purposely trying to be a prick?" Shut her right up. She stammered some apology and I told her "we're done with this conversation" and walked away.

Imso sorry to hear that but good for you! How dare someone ask in such a rude way!!

 

[ForteKitty]

Re:

I am pregnant again but only 7.5 weeks, so it's super early, and my belly IS sticking out because I'm very bloated... my fat is being pushed out. But I didn't like to have that pointed out! :p

 

[Niel]

Re: Re:

I am pregnant again but only 7.5 weeks, so it's super early, and my belly IS sticking out because I'm very bloated... my fat is being pushed out. But I didn't like to have that pointed out! :p

I'm 6 weeks actually. Though I'm not really telling people yet. (Hense my story above) I've got worse morning sickness then last time. But I still manage to look like a fatty to me. No one of course has noticed though.

Congrats!

 

[SMC]

Re: Re:

I am pregnant again but only 7.5 weeks, so it's super early, and my belly IS sticking out because I'm very bloated... my fat is being pushed out. But I didn't like to have that pointed out! :p

I'm 6 weeks actually. Though I'm not really telling people yet. (Hense my story above) I've got worse morning sickness then last time. But I still manage to look like a fatty to me. No one of course has noticed though.

Congrats!

Congrats to both of you too! I'm 5 weeks. Have told only one person, though my best friend asked me last weekend because she knew I was trying (I denied it).

I don't ask mostly because I'm not prepared to get into a talk about pregnancy or kids (especially true before I got pregnant). I don't have any symptoms and haven't put on any weight yet. I work with all guys too, and I doubt they'd ask or notice for a long time.

 

[Niel]

Re: Re:

I am pregnant again but only 7.5 weeks, so it's super early, and my belly IS sticking out because I'm very bloated... my fat is being pushed out. But I didn't like to have that pointed out! :p

I'm 6 weeks actually. Though I'm not really telling people yet. (Hense my story above) I've got worse morning sickness then last time. But I still manage to look like a fatty to me. No one of course has noticed though.

Congrats!

Congrats to both of you too! I'm 5 weeks. Have told only one person, though my best friend asked me last weekend because she knew I was trying (I denied it).

I don't ask mostly because I'm not prepared to get into a talk about pregnancy or kids (especially true before I got pregnant). I don't have any symptoms and haven't put on any weight yet. I work with all guys too, and I doubt they'd ask or notice for a long time.

That's great! And good you have no symptoms. My morning sickness kicked in last week and I feel like I'm dying haha. I keep telling my hubby its worse than before so it must be twins. He doesn't love that joke haha

I've gained a bitty but only because really spicy salty foods is the only thing I can manage to keep down. So my diet of tacos and gold fish isn't doing me any favors. Haha

 

[ForteKitty]

Re:

I haven't gained any weight. My belly is just sticking out like it gets when I'm very gassy and unable to fart. My morning sickness comes and goes, and spicy stuff is pretty much the only thing I want to eat. Chicken and bland food makes me gag. Most of my close friends knew about my miscarriage and they know about this current pregnancy. I never hid it from them, and I felt it helped me heal very quickly from my miscarriage because I was able to talk openly about it.

 

[SMC]

Re: Re:

I haven't gained any weight. My belly is just sticking out like it gets when I'm very gassy and unable to fart. My morning sickness comes and goes, and spicy stuff is pretty much the only thing I want to eat. Chicken and bland food makes me gag. Most of my close friends knew about my miscarriage and they know about this current pregnancy. I never hid it from them, and I felt it helped me heal very quickly from my miscarriage because I was able to talk openly about it.

I'm probably going to tell friends after my first u/s.

I've already started browsing maternity clothes online, though I'm not buying anything until I know how my body's going to change. It's my first and I have pretty much no idea wtf is going on.

 

[Niel]

Re: Re:

I haven't gained any weight. My belly is just sticking out like it gets when I'm very gassy and unable to fart. My morning sickness comes and goes, and spicy stuff is pretty much the only thing I want to eat. Chicken and bland food makes me gag. Most of my close friends knew about my miscarriage and they know about this current pregnancy. I never hid it from them, and I felt it helped me heal very quickly from my miscarriage because I was able to talk openly about it.

I'm probably going to tell friends after my first u/s.

I've already started browsing maternity clothes online, though I'm not buying anything until I know how my body's going to change. It's my first and I have pretty much no idea wtf is going on.

Ha! I remember the feeling. Especially because the first was a happy surprise.

I plan on waiting as long as I cam . probably 11-14 weeks.

 

[junebug17]

Re: Re:

Yet another reason to not ask is the fact no one knows if a woman has struggled with infertility, miscarriages, and IS pregnant. She may not want it to be public information, especially if she lost a baby she had announced in the past.

This. I had a miscarriage back in Feb. Yesterday, someone at work asked if i was pregnant because she "sees a belly". I said, "Actually, I had a miscarriage a few months ago. You probably shouldn't be asking people that because you might remind them of their dead fetus. Unless you're purposely trying to be a prick?" Shut her right up. She stammered some apology and I told her "we're done with this conversation" and walked away.

Good for you ForteKitty - if more of us were as outspoken as you, there would be a lot less people going around saying rude, stupid things to others. You can bet that woman will never ask the question again.

I haven't read every response, but no, I would never, ever ask someone if she was pregnant. It is totally none of my business.

And…congrats to all who are expecting! So exciting!

 

[AGBF]

Re:

Good luck, ForteKitty, Niel, and SMC. I pray that you will all have healthy pregnancies and deliver safely!

Big hugs,
Deb

 

[Laila619]

Re:

Congrats ForteKitty, Niel, and SMC!

ForteKitty, I'm sorry about your m/c.

I am 18 weeks with twins, and have a massive torpedo belly dressed in obvious maternity clothes, and still no one asks me if I'm pregnant. People around here must be very polite, or they just don't notice anything, lol.

 

[Niel]

Re: Re:

Congrats ForteKitty, Niel, and SMC!

ForteKitty, I'm sorry about your m/c.

I am 18 weeks with twins, and have a massive torpedo belly dressed in obvious maternity clothes, and still no one asks me if I'm pregnant. People around here must be very polite, or they just don't notice anything, lol.

How exciting!! Twins?! Was it with help of drugs or do they run in your family ?

A friend of mine is 37 weeks pregnant with twins and I think if someone asked of she was pregnant she might smack them. Haha.