Am I reading too much into this? Looong..

[Sabine]

I think I''m in the presense of a.......

MEAN GIRL.

Here''s the back story, it''s long, skip if you like: 2.5 years ago FI and I moved to a new area where he started medical school. There were tons of events to welcome the new med. students and even a night specifically for the significant others to meet and get to know one another. I went, and met this girl I will call Jane. Jane and I talked, hit it off, and made plans to do the ultimate girl bonding, shopping. For about a month, we talked on the phone, shopped, went out to eat, etc. She had FI and I over for dinner with her and her FI. The first problem was that her FI and mine did NOT exactly hit it off. They are just very different. The second problem was that I never felt completely comfortable with her. We were quick friends, but still, we hadn''t known each other for very long. We made plans for them to come have dinner at our house. They cancelled. We made plans to go out to eat. She cancelled. I called her a few more times. She never called back. At this point, I really began to feel like she was purposely not responding to me, like she didn''t want to be friends with me. However, at the same time, we both found jobs and started working, so I really don''t know, she could have just been busy.

I eventually stopped calling her and went a while without seeing/hearing from her. The next time I did was at another med. school function. I saw her across the room with her FI, and she didn''t come say hi, so I didn''t go say hi. Then I saw her at another med. school function. She was sitting 2 rows behind me at something, so she had to have seen me, right? She didni''t say hi, so I didn''t say hi. The whole time I felt incredibly awkward and childish, but I really didn''t want to force the issue if she just wasn''t interested in being my friends. I chalked the whole thing up to a friendship that didn''t work out, and figured that was the end of it.

Jump ahead a year later. My FI made a really good friend with a kid, B, another med. student. B had a fiance, R. R and I met and also became good friends. We all went out as couples multiple times. B and R introduced us to some of their friends who are NOT med students, and we hit it off with them. Now we have this nice little group of friends to go out with, and life is good. Jump ahead a few months. R mentions going to a dance class with a girl named Jane, I think nothing of it. A few weeks later, we got to a med. school function with B and R, and they run into Jane and her FI, who is apparently good friends with B. Jane and her FI ignore my FI and I, as if they don''t know us. It was totally awkward.

Jump ahead to present. R''s friend has become a Mary Kay consultant, and we have all been hosting parties to help get her business. At R''s party, Jane was there. We talked, caught up, actually admitted that we did know each other, but really kept it superficial. She was nice enough to me, but it was still a little awkward because R had no idea Jane and I had ever even met. At this party, another girl makes plans to host the next party, and Jane makes plans to host the one after that. We are all excited making plans.

Last night was the next party. I rode there with the Mary Kay host, and she happens to mention how excited she is for Jane''s party next week. I was like...wha??? I wasn''t invited. She was really surprised, she had even given Jane my address. At the party, Jane brings up her party in front of me. At this point I really had no idea what to do. I felt so awkward, and I just kinda stammered...oh, are you having that party? And she said, oh yeah, you better come!

Now, I have a feeling the Mary Kay rep. told Jane that she told me about the party, so Jane felt obligated to give me a pity invite. I really don''t want to go if this girl doesn''t want me there. However, she invited all the other girls that I am friends with. Jane said something about how she just hasn''t gotten around to sending out email invites yet, but all the other girls seemed to know about the party. This girl is really making me feel like I''m in high school again trying to be accepted by the popular group. I''m not saying this girl and I need to be best friends, but I really feel like if she was having a party that she began planning in front of me and she invited ALL of the other girls at the first party, she really should be nice enough to invite me. But who knows, maybe she did just not get around to sending out emails, and the other girls just heard about her plans because they work in teh same building as her. But my gut tells me that she purposely tried to leave me out because she doesn''t like me, and it makes me feel so awkward when I am around her.

So if any of you actually made it through this rambling mess...do you think this girl is trying to exclude me, or am I just being a baby? And either way, any ideas on how I should handle it? I mean, if she doesn''t want to be friends with me, fine, but we are obviously going to keep coming into contact wiht each other because we have the same friends, so how should I act towards her?

 

[justageek]

Hey Sabine,

That''s, IMHO, too much coincidental ignoring and avoiding to be an accident. Since you seem to have no idea why she''s acting this way, I suggest you drop her an email or have a nice conversation just asking her what''s up. You are a grown woman, you don''t need her approval, and you don''t need her as a friend if it''s not working out. Don''t lie to your current friends by not telling them about the situation. They''ll keep assuming you don''t know her, keep inviting both of you to the same functions, etc., which will get more and more awkward if you don''t talk to Jane ASAP to straighten this out.


---------------

 

[Maisie]

I would steer clear of her if it was me. Its obvious she doesn''t want to be friends with you. I don''t know why you feel the need to be included in her party. I know you are all a group, but if she makes you feel that uncomfortable, why would you want to be there?

You aren''t always going to get along with everyone. You and this girl spent a little time together and for whatever reason, she decided not to pursue the friendship. That doesn''t mean you can''t carry on with your new group of friends. They obviously accept you and like you just the way you are. Don''t waste your time wondering why this girl is behaving the way she is. Its her loss not yours. I wouldn''t want to be around someone who is so rude and inconsiderate towards me.

If your group mentions the party again just tell them the truth. Its best to be up front about knowing her.

Enjoy the friendships you have made, and don''t lose sleep over this other girl anymore.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I agree with Maisie and would just stay clear of her. There's no point in trying to figure out what happened between the two of you because her and you have had a chance to reconcile yet she's maintained her stand-offishness. It's really no big deal as you've made plenty of other great friends.

Some people just don't really click and most of us have either decided not to maintain friendships with certain individuals or vice versa. I'd just move on and NOT go to her party because it would be very awkward!

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 12/1/2007 2:30:31 PM
Author: MC
I agree with Maisie and would just stay clear of her. There''s no point in trying to figure out what happened between the two of you because her and you have had a chance to reconcile yet she''s maintained her stand-offishness. It''s really no big deal as you''ve made plenty of other great friends.

Some people just don''t really click and most of us have either decided not to maintain friendships with certain individuals or vice versa. I''d just move on and NOT go to her party because it would be very awkward!

Ditto!

 

[somethingshiny]

Simple. Don''t go, maintain politeness. You''ll run into this type of situations more and more. As hurtful as it is, it''s good that you can figure out how to handle it now.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 12/1/2007 4:25:24 PM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 12/1/2007 2:30:31 PM
Author: MC
I agree with Maisie and would just stay clear of her. There''s no point in trying to figure out what happened between the two of you because her and you have had a chance to reconcile yet she''s maintained her stand-offishness. It''s really no big deal as you''ve made plenty of other great friends.

Some people just don''t really click and most of us have either decided not to maintain friendships with certain individuals or vice versa. I''d just move on and NOT go to her party because it would be very awkward!

Ditto!

Thritto.

 

[Sabine]

I appreciate the advice justageek, maisie, mc, thing2, somethingshiny, and kaleigh. I agree that I shouldn''t really pursue a friendship with her if she has no interest in being friends with me, and I am fine with that. What I am worried about is that if I don''t go to this party, it will harm my friendships with the other girls in the group. These are all new friendships, we are all still getting to know one another. And honestly, I''ve had a difficult time meeting people my own age in the 3 years I''ve lived here. I do spend time with colleagues from school and church, but they are all my parents age. Nothing wrong with that, but they don''t often want to do the same types of things I do. Also, I have quite a few close friends from high school and college, but not a single one lives within a hundred miles, and honestly, it gets lonely not having girls around to hang out with. I do enjoy spending time by myself, and got a lot better at finding things I like to do, but I WANT to have girlfriends I can hang out with.

So if I don''t go to this party of Jane''s, I''m worried that the other girls will stop inviting me to things. They now know that we had met a few years ago, but didn''t really say anything about it. If they think that she and I don''t want to be around each other, will they feel they have to choose between me and her?

 

[somethingshiny]

Why don''t you send an email politely declining the invite? You could say, "I know you had a lot to do to get ready for the party, but i got the invitation after I had made plans elsewhere." (that way you''re not "blaming" her, and giving her the "lots to get ready" out) Then you can say that you appreciate the invitation, and ask when she''s closing the party because you would like to look at a book.

 

[basil]

I would ignore the fact that she may or may not be intentionally excluding you. I''d go to her party with the assumption that she did not intentionally not invite you. I guess if you were really curious you could ask another one of your friends if they received an email invite before you heard about the party from your other friend, but there''s absolutely nothing to be gained from confronting Jane.

I think you''re right that in this situation, trying to steer clear of Jane might be perceived that you really don''t get along or something. When, in fact, it''s just that you aren''t close friends. Just continue to be polite and superficial to her at the functions. If she really wants to be mean, then she will have to use more and more obvious slights, which will then become apparent to the rest of your friends.

 

[thekinglives]

Hi Sabine

I know I''m late to this thread, and agree with
everyone''s deductions. I also think there''s a good
chance that this woman is somehow threatened by
you, and that it probably was precipitated somewhere
in the middle of lighthearted disclosure you made
in friendship. Her wordless withdrawal and cold
reception of you makes me think she is made to feel
bad by you. 100% her problem, none of yours.

A little pity might be in order for her, if you
knew her better maybe.

0.02

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/1/2007 5:35:58 PM
Author: basil
I would ignore the fact that she may or may not be intentionally excluding you. I''d go to her party with the assumption that she did not intentionally not invite you. I guess if you were really curious you could ask another one of your friends if they received an email invite before you heard about the party from your other friend, but there''s absolutely nothing to be gained from confronting Jane.

I think you''re right that in this situation, trying to steer clear of Jane might be perceived that you really don''t get along or something. When, in fact, it''s just that you aren''t close friends. Just continue to be polite and superficial to her at the functions. If she really wants to be mean, then she will have to use more and more obvious slights, which will then become apparent to the rest of your friends.

I agree with Basil. You do not want to skip this party. You could be unintentionaly segregating yourself from the entire group. If you really like these girls, don''t give them any reason to think that you don''t want to be around. They may percieve it exactly that way, and they may not invite you to things, if they think you and Jane won''t get along. By not going to the party, you''re only going to wonder if she was talking about you... and if you go, you can make sure she doesn''t have a reason to.

I think a nice smile and a friendly hello should be fine. Just brush her off, and you can do this without having to revert back to her "high-school" ways. If she really is trying to cut you out, then she will have to try harder, and it will become obvious to your others friends.

 

[Pandora II]

Personally I would ask her what the problem is - it sounds very odd to me that she would suddenly become like that, possibly there is a misunderstanding somewhere, or she feels very threatened by you.

Apparently I intimidate a lot of people and make them feel threatened - which I find quite odd as I''m not particularly ambitious or competitive. They tend to see me as a threat to their game-plans or whatever, and I don''t get invited to things and am excluded from social events by them. In the past I used to creep away and feel miserable about it. Now I just confront them - I feel much happier afterwards, but they are often rather shocked that someone will call them out on things.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 12/1/2007 8:24:01 PM
Author: Pandora II
Personally I would ask her what the problem is - it sounds very odd to me that she would suddenly become like that, possibly there is a misunderstanding somewhere, or she feels very threatened by you.

Apparently I intimidate a lot of people and make them feel threatened - which I find quite odd as I'm not particularly ambitious or competitive. They tend to see me as a threat to their game-plans or whatever, and I don't get invited to things and am excluded from social events by them. In the past I used to creep away and feel miserable about it. Now I just confront them - I feel much happier afterwards, but they are often rather shocked that someone will call them out on things.

Pandora, I am glad you said this. I have done this and agree, they are shocked that you say that. I think it makes them realize you can't be pushed around, I would do it in private just you and she and very politely. Sabine, I bet she knows you are very sweet and thinks she can get away w/that behavior. Hope it all works out.

 

[Rhea]

Date: 12/1/2007 8:24:01 PM
Author: Pandora II
Personally I would ask her what the problem is - it sounds very odd to me that she would suddenly become like that, possibly there is a misunderstanding somewhere, or she feels very threatened by you.

I agree with this. Ya know, she may think that you''re avoiding her as well. You say that she hasn''t come and said hi to you despite the fact that you know that she''s seen you, but she could be typing almost the exact same thing on another message board about you. Since your friends are friends with her and your DHs are in the same program you''re likely to run into her several times over the next few years so I''d speak to her and as least make it known that according to you you''re still on polite terms.

 

[kellyfish]

Maintain civility and social politeness. Stay above whatever is going on and do not speak negatively of her with others in the circle (not saying that you have). Politely duck out of party she is hosting. Don't worry too much or take it too personally---some personalities simply do not mix (proabaly your mates'--not yours). It does not sound as if she is speaking negatively of you (you probably would have heard about it before now)---maybe her fi just does not like yours as you implied in your first post---she may be trying to avoid future conflict with her own fi for some reason as she may be afraid of "stirring the pot" with him.

 

[QOTDR]

I wouldn''t go to the party. Make some polite excuse. If by missing this one party you are ostracized from the group and not invited to anything anymore, then these people are not your friends. I don''t go to every gathering my friends have, that doesn''t mean they stop inviting me. Whatever the issue is, it is clearly her issue and not yours.

 

[lumpkin]

I agree with Basil, Pandora and Skippy. This is a pretty tight network and if you really want to stay involved with this group, ducking out is not the way to go. I''d call her and say, "You know, I''ve been feeling really awkward and I don''t know why. I feel that somehow I''ve offended you and I can''t think of anything I''ve done or said, but if there''s a misunderstanding I want to clear it up." If she acts like she has no idea what you are talking about, then you are dealing with a manipulator -- then I''d avoid direct contact with her but continue to be friendly-polite at get togethers. If anyone asks about it you can say you have no idea why, and you asked her and she wouldn''t give a straight answer, but she just doesn''t seem to want to be friends. If she''s an up front person, you''ll get to the root of it and socializing will be a lot less stressful. Chances are that as you all go on, smaller groups are going to form and you''ll find your niche.

 

[tberube]

Sabine - I'd just be curious as hell to find out why she was so chummy with you at first and then all of a sudden not? I would have called her on it, just because I'm always wondering if I've done something to upset someone, that I didn't realize. If there isn't a reason, then yeah, I'd probably think she was just a mean girl too. Or a fake girl, who was being nice to you, at first, because she didn't have any other options for friends in the beginning. But once meeting friends she liked better than you, she dumped you like a bag of dirty diapers. If so, she's a user.

I dunno - that's how I'd take it.

But I would let the other friends know what is going on - i.e. why you're not at her party, etc. That way you're not leaving everyone else in the dark and with the possibillity of taking your absence to certain events the wrong way.

Although Basil does have a good approach. I couldn't handle going to a party I wasn't expressly invited to because I'm very sensitive to those things - but if you can be bold and passive aggressive like Jane, then I suppose that could work too. There is more than one way to skin a cat, as they say!

 

[Sabine]

Thanks to all for your advice! So I just got the "official" email invitation, and none of the other girls had replied yet, (they are the kind that you can see who is coming and who isn''t), so this has me thinking that I really was reading too much into it. Maybe she WASN''T purposely not inviting me, she just hadn''t officially invited ANYONE yet? The girl who told me about the party is the Mary Kay rep., so it would make sense that Jane would contact her before anyone else. The other girl that knew about it works in the same building and often eats lunch with Jane, so maybe she just heard about it casually. I was SURE she would have invited everyone more than a week in advance, but I guess I could be wrong.

I think I''m going to go to the party and continue to be polite to her without pushing for a close friendship. If she does purposely exclude me from something or does anything else that indicates she has a problem with me, I will ask her about it, but I don''t want to make something out of nothing.

I honestly think she might just feel intimidated by me as Pandora suggested, although the only reason I can think why is that my FI got better grades than hers in their first year, and she seems like the type of girl to put her future husband''s career in front of her own. Or maybe it was as tberube suggested and I was just a filler friend at first until she found better friends, and she never expected to have contact with me down the road. Or maybe she thought I was avoiding her as Addy suggested. I really hope we can continue to just be civil to each other as I hate confrontation with people I don''t know well!

 

[snowflakeluvr]

hi sabine,
i read your thread curiously and wanted to encourage you to do what you want to do, what your personality is and what will ulitimately make you comfortable and happy.
i had a group of girlfriends(some of them were "besties" to each other, i was a bit on the fringe) but we did a ''mom''s night out'' where we''d all bring a beverage and snack to someone''s home, and just hang out, sans babies or hubbies. it went on for a couple of years. in the midst of them, my closest friend of that bunch, C, moved about 15 miles away, not far but to another town/school district. i became friends with a gal, D, her hubby, her kids, from school/church. our oldest were young children-we''d play cards, games, drink, visit every few weeks. i have always had a struggling marriage due to dh''s workaholism. this friend of mine was very supportive, downright b*tchy to her hubby behind and in front of him and she was always there to listen so we sort of had something in common.
well, when i went to the girl''s night out, she was suddenly there one night. i had NO idea she even knew any of these girls. the one who had invited her, L, had talked about my closest friend of the group, C, behind her back(more about her jerky hubby) but i was not so trusting of L. i learned that they had boated together, etc and obviously were pretty chummy. it was odd and made me very uncomfortable so much so that i walked away from this group of girls. in hindsight, i felt sad over losing my friendship with C, the one who moved to another town, with a jerky hubby, but i was sure L was stirring thepot and C was very fond of L, so...i decided i really didn''t want/ need the drama in my life, as a woman/mother in my 30''s. and later, i found out that D, the newly invited sneak , said many things about me behind my back. i know the answer already: big, fat jealousy. my husband is a very successful executive, her hubby was teaching and working on his graduate degree at the time. she was/is very materialistic. i had some things she didn''t. i never lorded my life over her, in fact we always had them to our home when we had our little party nights together. i always tried to be more than hospitable. but she was jealous.
if you are the kind of gal to confront the situation, like the others suggest, i say go for it. that is not my personality and i felt between a rock and hard place as i didn''t want to cause friendship issues for the other girls. i chose to walk. one thing i personally would NOT do is talk about her to the other girls, if any of them really like her, want to be closer to her, they may see YOU as a troublemaker.
funny, in my situation, D, the gal who was briefly involved in "my" group, did that for a short, short time. so she had a motive, i am sure. she is well known by other high school mothers as a real "b"and i rarely see her around town.
you are young and having friendship and support while your hubby works thru school is very important. i would feel guarded, but maybe in time you and this gal may become the best of friends? i bet she is/was intimidated or jealous of something about YOUR life and that is HER problem, not yours.
so funny that you mentioned the high school thing. when i went to my 20th reunion, my true desire was to see my two best friends from jr. high and high school,with whom i''d lost touch. after talking briefly at the reuinion and breaking the ice, i apologized to both of them for anything i''d said or done to hurt them during our friendship, i was so out there with it, they repeated the same and then we drank and had a great night together. i still email the one gal occasionally.
women are weird-men don''t care. isn''t it strange? you sound like a honey; don''t let this make you feel less than than.

 

[basil]

They should write a book called "She''s just not that into you"

What if she isn''t jealous, she isn''t out to be mean, she didn''t move on to someone "better". You admitted yourself "I never felt completely comfortable with her". Maybe you just aren''t meant to be friends. When you saw her later on at the med school function, she didn''t come say hi for the same reason you didn''t go say hi. Maybe you just don''t have much in common, but she felt awkward at the ending of the friendship - just like you did.

Friendships come and go. There''s no reason that this girl was obligated to stay friends with Sabine just because they hung out in the past.

There are people who I''ve hung out with, talked on the phone with, gone shopping with, before realizing that they would not be lifelong friends. Eventually our contact dropped off. I probably wouldn''t ignore them if I saw them, but I can see how it would happen if neither one wanted to be the one to break the ice. If that makes me a jealous b*tch, oh well.

 

[Sparkster]

You got along well together until your respective FIs met and they didn''t get along. It''s not something that would bother you but it sounds like something that would bother Jane.

There are some friends who I''m not close with and if they happen to invite a mutual friend to a function/party/get-together and not invite me then that''s got nothing to do with me. The can invite whoever they want to their own functions. Quite frankly, If they didn''t want me to be there, then I wouldn''t want to be there. As for the friends who go the functions that I''m not invited to? Great for them - I will catch up with them on another occassion.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 12/1/2007 12:30:49 PM
Author:Sabine
I think I''m in the presense of a.......

MEAN GIRL.

Here''s the back story, it''s long, skip if you like: 2.5 years ago FI and I moved to a new area where he started medical school. There were tons of events to welcome the new med. students and even a night specifically for the significant others to meet and get to know one another. I went, and met this girl I will call Jane. Jane and I talked, hit it off, and made plans to do the ultimate girl bonding, shopping. For about a month, we talked on the phone, shopped, went out to eat, etc. She had FI and I over for dinner with her and her FI. The first problem was that her FI and mine did NOT exactly hit it off. They are just very different. The second problem was that I never felt completely comfortable with her. We were quick friends, but still, we hadn''t known each other for very long. We made plans for them to come have dinner at our house. They cancelled. We made plans to go out to eat. She cancelled. I called her a few more times. She never called back. At this point, I really began to feel like she was purposely not responding to me, like she didn''t want to be friends with me. However, at the same time, we both found jobs and started working, so I really don''t know, she could have just been busy.

I eventually stopped calling her and went a while without seeing/hearing from her. The next time I did was at another med. school function. I saw her across the room with her FI, and she didn''t come say hi, so I didn''t go say hi. Then I saw her at another med. school function. She was sitting 2 rows behind me at something, so she had to have seen me, right? She didni''t say hi, so I didn''t say hi. The whole time I felt incredibly awkward and childish, but I really didn''t want to force the issue if she just wasn''t interested in being my friends. I chalked the whole thing up to a friendship that didn''t work out, and figured that was the end of it.

Jump ahead a year later. My FI made a really good friend with a kid, B, another med. student. B had a fiance, R. R and I met and also became good friends. We all went out as couples multiple times. B and R introduced us to some of their friends who are NOT med students, and we hit it off with them. Now we have this nice little group of friends to go out with, and life is good. Jump ahead a few months. R mentions going to a dance class with a girl named Jane, I think nothing of it. A few weeks later, we got to a med. school function with B and R, and they run into Jane and her FI, who is apparently good friends with B. Jane and her FI ignore my FI and I, as if they don''t know us. It was totally awkward.

Jump ahead to present. R''s friend has become a Mary Kay consultant, and we have all been hosting parties to help get her business. At R''s party, Jane was there. We talked, caught up, actually admitted that we did know each other, but really kept it superficial. She was nice enough to me, but it was still a little awkward because R had no idea Jane and I had ever even met. At this party, another girl makes plans to host the next party, and Jane makes plans to host the one after that. We are all excited making plans.

Last night was the next party. I rode there with the Mary Kay host, and she happens to mention how excited she is for Jane''s party next week. I was like...wha??? I wasn''t invited. She was really surprised, she had even given Jane my address. At the party, Jane brings up her party in front of me. At this point I really had no idea what to do. I felt so awkward, and I just kinda stammered...oh, are you having that party? And she said, oh yeah, you better come!

Now, I have a feeling the Mary Kay rep. told Jane that she told me about the party, so Jane felt obligated to give me a pity invite. I really don''t want to go if this girl doesn''t want me there. However, she invited all the other girls that I am friends with. Jane said something about how she just hasn''t gotten around to sending out email invites yet, but all the other girls seemed to know about the party. This girl is really making me feel like I''m in high school again trying to be accepted by the popular group. I''m not saying this girl and I need to be best friends, but I really feel like if she was having a party that she began planning in front of me and she invited ALL of the other girls at the first party, she really should be nice enough to invite me. But who knows, maybe she did just not get around to sending out emails, and the other girls just heard about her plans because they work in teh same building as her. But my gut tells me that she purposely tried to leave me out because she doesn''t like me, and it makes me feel so awkward when I am around her.

So if any of you actually made it through this rambling mess...do you think this girl is trying to exclude me, or am I just being a baby? And either way, any ideas on how I should handle it? I mean, if she doesn''t want to be friends with me, fine, but we are obviously going to keep coming into contact wiht each other because we have the same friends, so how should I act towards her?

Wow. I am never more painfully aware of my advanced years (late forties) than I am when somebody posts a *worry-thread* about being dissed by a used-to-be friend.

The mother instinct in me wants to ask "Why do you care?" Forge your own relationships with others in the group and ignore this twit. If they are juvenile enough to let her actions dictate their actions, and they exclude you or act strange . . . get some new friends. Life is too short kiddo. Don''t waste a moment of it playing games with ''little girls''.

Don''t worry about her motives, her actions, her drama. You, and only you, control your behavior and mindset about this young lady. If she is not important to you, and not having her friendship won''t tear your world apart, then move on emotionally and leave all of the negativity behind you.

How should you treat her? Courteously. Because the only way to deal with someone who wants to ruffle your feathers is to never give them what they want.

The above advice is not meant to be rude, sweetie. Just big-sisterish.