Moral Dilemma - Advice Needed

[Graff_Pink]

Hi all,

I know I haven't posted much since signing-up, but I am an avid visitor and reader on PriceScope and love all the advice, feedback, help, assistance and personal stories shared by one and all. It's really a wonderful space to learn, to share and to make connections with smart people!

I have a personal dilemma and thought this was a perfect site to seek advice... your honest opinions and comments would be GREATLY appreciated as I'm in a tough spot!

I work for a small business and over the years have become very close to the owner's family. In fact, it's a situation where we have all become a family - his and mine - and I am especially close to his wife who I consider (and vice versa) one of my best friends. I love her very much - she's a wonderful person, our children our close, we are a constant in one another's lives even outside of the office setting (where she also works, although part-time).

I have recently confirmed that the owner/husband is having an affair and is cheating on her. I know because I have seen the business credit card statements with hotel purchases, flowers, gifts etc, have seen the emails exchanged between him and this other woman, have the phone call logs where he speaks to her (early in the morning or very, very late at night) and even overheard a conversation with her setting up a date (where he lied to his wife and said he was going on business, but I knew for a fact he did not meet the person he said he was [even confirmed with that person]).

So now here I am smack in the middle of something I don't want to be. While the owner is making efforts to keep it from his wife, he's done a lousy job keeping it from me since I have access to all of the above (and need to because I am manage his business - books, HR, etc etc) - and while no, I have not seen him with this other woman I KNOW 100% that something is going on that shouldn't be. I am not only heartbroken and horrified, but am very uncomfortable having this information and not sharing it with my friend. I think he thinks he is THAT sneaky and good at this but the fact is he's TERRIBLE at it. Terrible. He has no computer savvy and doesn't realize what a trail he leaves in his wake. The only thing is - his wife isn't looking. She seems to really trust in him and everything he says. Which is a testament to true love and marriage, I suppose... but how can she be so blind? And how can he be so deceitful?

I find this a particularly touchy situation because this isn't only a matter of my friendship, but my livlihood. I do not want to work here anymore to begin with, but I feel like if I let the cat out of the bag that I will lose my job anyway. More than that, I am scared to tell my friend because she seems absolutely oblivious to what is going on and I... well, I don't want to be the person to tell her and shatter her life but I also don't want to be the person who has this information and doesn't tell her. I am torn for so many reasons.

-I love her and I don't want to lose her friendship, which I know is a HUGE possibility
-I love her and I don't want to be the bearer of hurtful and life-changing news - who am I to change her reality? Is ignorance bliss?
-I don't know how I can continue to work here either way, but I feel like such a fraud looking for a new job and planning my exit while not letting her know
-There is a possiblity she already knows and might not appreciate me bringing it up because she will be embarrassed (although my heart-of-hearts tells me she really is in the dark)
-I cannot afford to lose my job at this time (not that there's ever a good time to be out of work)
-I know that HE is doing this, not me, but at the end of the day I will be the one sharing this news... I know she very well may stay with him and work things out (which is fine), but how would our friendship not be effected forever?

I don't know what to do! I have been struggling with this for months now and I just don't know what to do, but it's making me sick and is so terribly upsetting. I thought in the beginning that he would call it off or change his mind but now the extramarital thing seems to be going stronger and with no end in sight. I have been cheated on before and I know I would want someone to tell me, but she's also been married 20+ years with two children (older, but one is still at home) and it just seems more complicated to me. I once posed her the question "would she want to know" and she said yes... but then I think... does she really know what that means?

At one time in my life I thought this was so black and white but I realize that it isn't in this situation. How can it be? Relationships are all different, people are all different. Marriages work and don't work for a variety of reasons - some people have understandings... I don't know. Maybe I'm just trying to justify not saying anything because frankly, I'm afraid. I don't want to see her hurt for ANY reason.

Maybe I'm not giving her enough credit for being strong? Brave?

Advice? Feedback? Comments? Suggestions? What do I do??

Please help!

 

[monarch64]

It's not your business. Take yourself out of the equation. I'm sorry this happened to you and that this man put you in such a horrible position, but I think for your own well-being you need to find another place of employment/move on. What a shame people have to be such idiots. Good luck.

ETA: also, this is NOT about you. Regardless of how accepting they've been and how much of a "family" member you have become, it isn't your marriage and you will likely lose their trust and your job no matter what if you choose to say anything to her. Seriously, start looking for a new job.

 

[Lottie]

I feel for you, this is a tough situation to be in. If she wanted to, would the wife be able to access all of the information that you have seen fairly easily? If the answer is yes then either she doesn't want to know, or she most likely will find out on her own sooner or later. You say she works there too - why are you seeing all this and she is not?

Personally, for now I would say nothing and do my best to avoid noticing this evidence that you are seeing on a daily basis. Removing your friendship from the equation, if you tell the boss's wife that the boss is having an affair you are pretty unlikely to keep your job. Also what if she takes him back? Or what if she was waiting for it to blow over - crazy but some women do do this.

If it comes out and she asks if you knew you can say you had suspicions but were not sure and then be the best friend you can to her by supporting her. If you feel uncomfortable not saying anything then just bring up a couple of the bills to your boss and ask a couple of really innocent questions about them - it might make him think about how close he could be to wrecking everything.

I have never been in this situation, I suspect you will get much better advice from others on PS but I wish you and your friend the best.

 

[allycat0303]

Well, for me it comes down to two things. How close are you to this woman? Are you willing to lose your job for this?

If it was my sister or my best friend, I would tell her. I think it's my duty as a best friend and sister to do so. However, it depends on how close you are to this woman. Has she confided in you that the marriage was in trouble? Do you have a close enough relationship that you tell each other things? If the answer to these questions is no, then I don't think it's your place to enlighten her. You may not be close enough to her, that you could deliver this message in a loving, comforting way.

On the flip side, there's also the possibility that you lose your job and/or it becomes a hostile environment. Can you find another job? Are you dependent on this salary? Can you even afford to do what you perceive to be the *moral* thing to do? At the end of the day, it is not strictly your place to tell her. I think you would be equally moral (and practical) not telling her.

It's a bad situation, but remember you haven't done anything wrong!

 

[Enerchi]

That's a rough situation to be in... but HE put the marriage in that position, not you. Stay out of it. If he's tripped up enough clues that you've found it, it won't take long for his wife/your friend to learn of it as well. Then you can be there to support her, but do NOT be the one to open that up. Its just a matter of time and she will know soon enough.

I admit this may not be the right answer but this is dealing with someone's marriage/family/livelihood/friendship. Sometimes not saying anything can be the right thing at this moment in time. When this goes south - and it will! - you want to support your friend, not have her thinking you betrayed her by telling her of his infidelity. He will be doing the "duck under water thing" by back peddling as fast as his lying mouth can speak, and she will want to believe him... at first... so if you tell her... you will be taking the brunt of the anger.

If you can find another job, do it. You've already identified that this is not comfortable for you and you are having trouble coping with your moral and emotional response to this. Get yourself out of this situation as soon as you can find another job.

Good luck Graff Pink - I hope the next little while goes smoothly for you. Its an ugly situation to be caught in the middle of. Hugs to you and to your friend as well....

 

[Amber St. Clare]

This is SO not about you and your feelings.

There is a chance the wife knows EXACTLLY what is going on and, for whatever reason, chooses to look the other way. If she does and you tell her, you have put her in a position she may feel she has to do something to save face.

Find another job. You can still be her friend, and be there for her if she finds out, but is shouldn't be from you.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Your job is handling their books, not their marriage so if their personal issues are interfering w/your job, time to find a new one and QUICKLY, too...you want to be sure to find one while still on good terms or you may not only lose your job, but a good job reference, as well!

 

[amc80]

This is SO not about you and your feelings.

There is a chance the wife knows EXACTLLY what is going on and, for whatever reason, chooses to look the other way. If she does and you tell her, you have put her in a position she may feel she has to do something to save face.

Find another job. You can still be her friend, and be there for her if she finds out, but is shouldn't be from you.

This, exactly. As close as you are to them, you have no idea what's going on in their marriage behind closed doors.

 

[Graff_Pink]

I would consider her a very close friend - very very - and yes, we share personal things about our lives, our marriages, etc. But other than the typical husband annoyance complaints that most wives have (nothing dramatic or concerning), she has never expressed suspicions about affairs or otherwise. She knows he is a flirt and it annoys her, but I think - at least it's my belief - that in her mind that's where it ends. I don't think she even fathoms the idea of him cheating, in fact. But even in the closest of friendships I realize that there is a line - and what goes on between a husband and wife and the dark secrets that can exist - often remain that way, between the couple. So maybe it would be me who would be surprised how much she really knows but chooses to ignore. I really don't know.

As for her access to the information, no she doesn't have it. I mean, she could ask for it and then all those records are easily accessible to her, but unless she was looking there would be no reason for her to be checking his accounts and such. She simply doesn't seem to be looking. She accepts what he tells her - as far as "business trips" and such and that's that. I go between wondering if she is THAT naive (and she tends to see the world thru rose-colored glasses, so maybe) or if they have THAT kind of marriage.

I think you are all right, I will lose my job if I come out with it, and I also agree that the environment will become hostile either because of her or because of him - or maybe both! I feel like I have very little to win, but SO much to lose. Except the thing that bothers me the most is losing my sense of integrity and being the friend to her that I would want her to be to me. But I realize I can't impose who I am and my reality on someone else; what I might want doesn't mean it's the same for her.

At this point I am aggressively seeking different employment and am hopeful I can find something. My husband said that if I wanted to quit that he would support that, but I am not comfortable leaving a job without having one, only because the job climate is so crazy out there and it's much easier to find a job while you already have one than not. I don't want to be reckless - although all I really want to do is run from the place screaming!

In the end, if I leave without telling her I will feel just as guilty, it's just one of those things. My husband and I have pulled back from socializing with them and always make excuses when they invite us out/over/etc. It's a terrible feeling - it's like I'm punishing her for something her (insert mean words!) of a husband is doing.

It is a situation that has kept me up many, many nights and I have shed many tears over. One day I'll be determined to tell her and throw caution to the wind, but then I'll see one of her kids and think to myself "how can I ruin this family?"

Thank you so much for your words... you've given me alot to think about - and also the permission to not feel responsible for what is going on...

 

[vintagelover229]

Ugh-I'm so sorry to hear your in this position. I would look for a new job for sure-since you don't want to be in the middle of this at all. At the point when you have a new job and are putting in your notice and he asks you why-I would be honest with him. Tell him that you love him, the company and his wife like family but your not stupid. Tell him that you have no plans on telling his wife but HE should tell her himself and get into therapy ASAP and figure out if he wants to stay in the marriage or if he wants to be with his new girl since it's not fair to her AT ALL. No ones mentioned this but who knows if this is the first or not? Is he protecting himself while sleeping with her (and is SHE (not the wife-the other woman) being faithful to him-he could bring his wife something HOME from his little "trips" and then her health has been put in danger for his selfishness.

HUGS to you. I hope you can figure out the best way to handle it.

I suppose you could do another hypothetical situation with your friend (after you find another job of course) if you didn't want to go the confronting route of your boss. You could be hanging out and say-I have this friend who knows her best friends husband is cheating on her-although she hasn't seen him in person. They have a family and have been married for quite a few years but she's worried about ruining the friendship by telling her and also she might not believe her. What advice do you think I should give her since I'm at a loss of what to do? And see how she handles it and proceed from there.

 

[decodelighted]

I agree w/everyone else (seemingly!) that you should:

a) look for a new job & get out of there as soon as possible
b) turn a blind eye to any "evidence"
c) keep guilt at bay: she might know & knowing YOU know might be embarrassing. You can't know what's going on so don't feel guilt for secrets you THINK you're keeping.

The only possible exception I can imagine to the above is if the wife was a pre-existing friend of yours and/or GOT you the job originally. Then I might feel like your loyalty *could* be to your friend over yourself. STILL PROBABLY NOT, right? You should always look out after yourself first in these type of situations ... but I can see how that would be more fraught.

If, after you're safely in a new job, you're still wanting to tell her -- maybe the old "anon note" method?

 

[Amys Bling]

I'd stay out. You met her because you work for her husband an thus an employee first. I'm not saying support it- but truly his personal stuff is off limits...

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I agree w/everyone else (seemingly!) that you should:

a) look for a new job & get out of there as soon as possible
b) turn a blind eye to any "evidence"
c) keep guilt at bay: she might know & knowing YOU know might be embarrassing. You can't know what's going on so don't feel guilt for secrets you THINK you're keeping.

The only possible exception I can imagine to the above is if the wife was a pre-existing friend of yours and/or GOT you the job originally. Then I might feel like your loyalty *could* be to your friend over yourself. STILL PROBABLY NOT, right? You should always look out after yourself first in these type of situations ... but I can see how that would be more fraught.

If, after you're safely in a new job, you're still wanting to tell her -- maybe the old "anon note" method?

Yep, avoid seeing "evidence." He shouldn't be using business credit cards for personal pleasure. More than the wife may find that unexceptable!

 

[anne_h]

I agree with the others who encourage you not to take this upon yourself. Just because you know about it doesn't mean you are required to do something about it. I also agree that in some cases, the spouse may already know, or not *want* to know. Knowing sometimes means a family will have to break up. You may be sparing her by not saying anything.

I also agree it makes good sense to find another job. For your own sanity and comfort if nothing else.

Personally, I probably wouldn't tell someone unless they were my sister or my mother, and only then because I am so close to them to know how they feel about it. But a friend - probably not. Also, if my husband was having an affair, I'd probably rather *not* know. lol

Again, don't take this upon yourself. Although it's sweet that you care so much.

Anne

 

[ame]

If he's using company funds for personal things, that opens you AND him up to serious issues with taxes, audits, etc. I would simply tell him "I don't know what's going on, but there have been a lot of purchases not related to the business that I think you need to be aware of and reimburse so you don't get audited."

One of my former partners was using our company to finance his wife's lavish shopping and buy stuff for his girlfriendS plural, and he got NAILED in the audit. One by one you could hear the auditor yell out "Tiffany and Company, is NOT A BUSINESS EXPENSE. Plastic Surgeon NOT A BUSINESS EXPENSE" and so on for like an hour. He had to pay it all back to the company, we had to pay for his indiscretions, and the IRS froze all of his personal assets to make sure there was no more fraudulent spending using company funds for personal use. All of our credit was frozen, and we had to pay a fortune to those companies that decide how good your business credit is. Our AMEX's all got frozen and we couldn't pay our vendors til it was settled. Our accountant was aware of all of it, and ended up being audited herself, AFTER he fired her for not "concealing it" more. It was not worth it.

 

[distracts]

You should look for another job. After you've quit and started a new job, you should let the dude know that the number one reason you quit was because of his affair, and how it put you in this awkward situation with his wife, who is your good friend, and that it is not only incredibly disrespectful to his wife, but also incredibly unprofessional to put you, his employee, in this situation. As well, if he's carrying on an affair on the company dime, doesn't that open him up to potential lawsuits? If so, that is even more reason to leave. I have seen small companies ruined over that sort of thing before. Let him know THAT, as well - he is not only risking his wife and family, but his LIVELIHOOD. It probably won't wake him up, as the types of guys who cheat seem to be the types who think nothing could EVER possibly go wrong, but I think once you tell him those things, your moral duty has been carried out.

If you decide you absolutely must let the wife know something is up, I would handle it by playing kind of dumb - once you've quit and found a new job, telling her you found irregular expenses/calls and weren't able to get a good explanation from her husband and wondered what was up with them. Maybe heavily imply you think there's a sick family member somewhere and want to be supportive but think those shouldn't be business expenses, or something (I mean, weirdly timed phone calls and flowers... that could be someone with cancer, right?). That would be as close as I would get to telling her... but I'm kind of a wimp about those things. Then if she wants to pursue it further, she could, but if she would rather remain blissfully ignorant, she could do that, and probably wouldn't feel like she had to confront her husband to save face because you knew about the affair.

 

[OCgirl]

I think the most important thing is find a new job! If it kills you to work for this man, then you really need to leave. Life is short and it's just not worth it to put yourself through this kind of stress and inner conflict.

I know this is a sneaky suggestion but I would try to see if I can lead the wife to find out about the affair herself. It's only fair that she gets to know the truth and decides for herself whether to stay or leave this guy. But as a friend, in my opinion, I would want to *tell her* the truth. Telling her upfront is not the best option but there's GOTTA be a way start her suspicion and if he's so bad at covering up, it's just a matter of time till she figures it out herself. Maybe she just needs a little... secret help?

 

[amc80]

I know this is a sneaky suggestion but I would try to see if I can lead the wife to find out about the affair herself. It's only fair that she gets to know the truth and decides for herself whether to stay or leave this guy. But as a friend, in my opinion, I would want to *tell her* the truth. Telling her upfront is not the best option but there's GOTTA be a way start her suspicion and if he's so bad at covering up, it's just a matter of time till she figures it out herself. Maybe she just needs a little... secret help?

Like change the address for flower delivery for the mistress to the wife's address? Hahaha.....

 

[Echidna]

If he's using company funds for personal things, that opens you AND him up to serious issues with taxes, audits, etc. I would simply tell him "I don't know what's going on, but there have been a lot of purchases not related to the business that I think you need to be aware of and reimburse so you don't get audited."

One of my former partners was using our company to finance his wife's lavish shopping and buy stuff for his girlfriendS plural, and he got NAILED in the audit. One by one you could hear the auditor yell out "Tiffany and Company, is NOT A BUSINESS EXPENSE. Plastic Surgeon NOT A BUSINESS EXPENSE" and so on for like an hour. He had to pay it all back to the company, we had to pay for his indiscretions, and the IRS froze all of his personal assets to make sure there was no more fraudulent spending using company funds for personal use. All of our credit was frozen, and we had to pay a fortune to those companies that decide how good your business credit is. Our AMEX's all got frozen and we couldn't pay our vendors til it was settled. Our accountant was aware of all of it, and ended up being audited herself, AFTER he fired her for not "concealing it" more. It was not worth it.

I must admit that this was my first thought- you should make it clear to the HUSBAND that you know and it's not going to look good to the tax office. I would not want to expose myself to that kind of risk (and I speak from indirect experience, as I'm sure this is how my father funded his affair as well, which would have been visible to his secretary).

My second thought was that you owe this business owner confidentiality (even if it rankles and hurts you and your best friend). You mentioned previously your ethical standards, which I completely understand, but I think this also applies to the fact that you're seeing evidence of an affair based on your employment. If you see him in the street kissing someone, by all means tell away. I'm just not sure if you're allowed to divulge based on information you are privy to due to employment. If the wife is also an owner of the business, perhaps you could mention that you're dealing with some anomalies in accounting and leave it at that? She might be suspicious and look (and infer on her own), or she may be happy to let it slide (which gives you your answer). When you leave, you could always tell your BF that you were uncomfortable with accounting anomalies too...

 

[Echidna]

You should look for another job. After you've quit and started a new job, you should let the dude know that the number one reason you quit was because of his affair, and how it put you in this awkward situation with his wife, who is your good friend, and that it is not only incredibly disrespectful to his wife, but also incredibly unprofessional to put you, his employee, in this situation. As well, if he's carrying on an affair on the company dime, doesn't that open him up to potential lawsuits? If so, that is even more reason to leave. I have seen small companies ruined over that sort of thing before. Let him know THAT, as well - he is not only risking his wife and family, but his LIVELIHOOD. It probably won't wake him up, as the types of guys who cheat seem to be the types who think nothing could EVER possibly go wrong, but I think once you tell him those things, your moral duty has been carried out.

If you decide you absolutely must let the wife know something is up, I would handle it by playing kind of dumb - once you've quit and found a new job, telling her you found irregular expenses/calls and weren't able to get a good explanation from her husband and wondered what was up with them. Maybe heavily imply you think there's a sick family member somewhere and want to be supportive but think those shouldn't be business expenses, or something (I mean, weirdly timed phone calls and flowers... that could be someone with cancer, right?). That would be as close as I would get to telling her... but I'm kind of a wimp about those things. Then if she wants to pursue it further, she could, but if she would rather remain blissfully ignorant, she could do that, and probably wouldn't feel like she had to confront her husband to save face because you knew about the affair.

Ditto to every word! Nicely put, Distracts. Love the sick relative suggestion...

 

[OCgirl]

I know this is a sneaky suggestion but I would try to see if I can lead the wife to find out about the affair herself. It's only fair that she gets to know the truth and decides for herself whether to stay or leave this guy. But as a friend, in my opinion, I would want to *tell her* the truth. Telling her upfront is not the best option but there's GOTTA be a way start her suspicion and if he's so bad at covering up, it's just a matter of time till she figures it out herself. Maybe she just needs a little... secret help?

Like change the address for flower delivery for the mistress to the wife's address? Hahaha.....

GOOD ONE!!!!!!!!!

 

[Amys Bling]

You should look for another job. After you've quit and started a new job, you should let the dude know that the number one reason you quit was because of his affair, and how it put you in this awkward situation with his wife, who is your good friend, and that it is not only incredibly disrespectful to his wife, but also incredibly unprofessional to put you, his employee, in this situation. As well, if he's carrying on an affair on the company dime, doesn't that open him up to potential lawsuits? If so, that is even more reason to leave. I have seen small companies ruined over that sort of thing before. Let him know THAT, as well - he is not only risking his wife and family, but his LIVELIHOOD. It probably won't wake him up, as the types of guys who cheat seem to be the types who think nothing could EVER possibly go wrong, but I think once you tell him those things, your moral duty has been carried out.

If you decide you absolutely must let the wife know something is up, I would handle it by playing kind of dumb - once you've quit and found a new job, telling her you found irregular expenses/calls and weren't able to get a good explanation from her husband and wondered what was up with them. Maybe heavily imply you think there's a sick family member somewhere and want to be supportive but think those shouldn't be business expenses, or something (I mean, weirdly timed phone calls and flowers... that could be someone with cancer, right?). That would be as close as I would get to telling her... but I'm kind of a wimp about those things. Then if she wants to pursue it further, she could, but if she would rather remain blissfully ignorant, she could do that, and probably wouldn't feel like she had to confront her husband to save face because you knew about the affair.

Totally agree

 

[Autumnovember]

Have you also thought about possibly losing your friendship with her if you DON'T tell her and she finds out that you knew all along?

I'm sorry but I have to disagree with the other who said not to say anything.

I know that I have told several friends of mine about cheating SO's and I was told "not to say anything" but in the end, I was really glad I did. At first I lost friendships with some but those friendships are back to where they should be as of now, after they saw that I told them in their favor. I look out for my friends and especially my best friends even if that means being the bearer of bad news. The longr her husband cheats on her, the harder the news will be to swallow when she does find out. If you don't say anything, she'll probably eventually find out one way or another.

You absolutely need to find a new job regardless if you decide to tell her or not.

I also wonder if there is any possible way you can "lead" her to the evidence without explicitly saying that he has been cheating.

 

[swingirl]

An awful lot of women tolerate their husbands "flirting" and affairs. If she is annoyed by the flirting but puts up with it she is already accepting inappropriate behavior that he has no reason to change. This probably isn't his first affair considering how sloppy he is, which means either he wants to get caught or already has been.

In my opinion it's not your place to embarrass both of them. You learned this information while doing your job. That information should be confidential. If you are really bothered by your boss' behavior you should find another position—and tell him why you are leaving...his unethical behavior (making you lie to his wife and the IRS).

I would hate it if I heard from my husband's co-worker that he was having an affair.

 

[Graff_Pink]

Thank you all so much - again! You've really given me so much to consider.

Amc80 - your suggestion cracked me up! Could you imagine?

I have thought about "leading" her to the clues and info. Or playing dumb and asking about the phone calls he makes at 2am to that particular number. The sick relative idea is a good one!

Autumnnovember - I am sorry I didn't say it before, but yes, I have absolutely considered her finding out and knowing that I knew. I worry about alot of things related to that - him leaving her and blindsiding her, him getting this other woman pregnant (if that's possible, I don't know her age), him getting an STD etc etc etc. - and then bearing the guilt of any of the above happening and not having said anything to my dear friend. Yes, I imagine she would feel betrayed and that would break my heart as well. If this was any other situation, I would feel more inclined to tell her - but having to work with her and her husband and it relating to my job makes it much more complicated. In a different situation if I told her and she decided to be angry with me or draw-back from me, that would be fine - but in this situation it means either losing my job (which would likely happen, as we all agree) OR having to face her every single day (not to mention him).

It feels like there really is no "right" answer. No solution is easy or simple or comes without a heavy cost. If only he could be struck down by lightening! Preferably while he's with the other woman! HA

Right now my absolute focus is finding a new place of employment like you all said. Bottom line: I need to get out of there. I am very unhappy.

Thanks again, ladies - means so much!

 

[iugurl]

It makes me sad that so many women wouldn't tell one of their best friends the truth. There are few things that are so devastating as a cheating spouse. I would not only be heartbroken that my spouse could betray me, but also hurt that my best friend KNEW and wouldn't tell me! He is putting your friend in a lot of potential danger. What if he contracts herpes or worse, HIV? And then gives it to his wife? At least if you tell her, she has a CHOICE to put herself in risk or not. The WORST thing that can happen is that she will be embarrassed and maybe "defriend" you. However, you are already avoiding her anyway because you feel so guilty. So... not that much different. At least you will have done the right thing (well, at least IMO the right thing).

However, it is complicated by the fact that he is your boss. I would try *really* hard to find a job ASAP, get hired, get a reference. Then I would tell her. However, if it takes you a long time to find a job, I might try to anonymously tell her, or just tell her and deal with the consequences.

 

[Amys Bling]

I would tell my best friend. A best friend I made because I'm emotes by her husband- id find a new job first dnd then tell her, or find a way for her to "find it out@.

 

[Hera]

It makes me sad that so many women wouldn't tell one of their best friends the truth. There are few things that are so devastating as a cheating spouse. I would not only be heartbroken that my spouse could betray me, but also hurt that my best friend KNEW and wouldn't tell me! He is putting your friend in a lot of potential danger. What if he contracts herpes or worse, HIV? And then gives it to his wife? At least if you tell her, she has a CHOICE to put herself in risk or not. The WORST thing that can happen is that she will be embarrassed and maybe "defriend" you. However, you are already avoiding her anyway because you feel so guilty. So... not that much different. At least you will have done the right thing (well, at least IMO the right thing).

However, it is complicated by the fact that he is your boss. I would try *really* hard to find a job ASAP, get hired, get a reference. Then I would tell her. However, if it takes you a long time to find a job, I might try to anonymously tell her, or just tell her and deal with the consequences.

I agree, so I would tell her. For me, my relationships and the people I care about are more important than a job, especially if it is a job I don't LOVE. I would perhaps find a way to feel her out and see if she's the type of person who would want to know if her husband was cheating. If she did, then I would tell her. Definitely, take care of yourself by finding another job first, though.

 

[soocool]

I have a friend (sorry to call her that, but we like her husband) who has been cheating on her husband for years. He is much older than her and very wealthy. He does not care that she is cheating as long as she stays with him. I know it is crazy, but their relationship works. No secrets, but again she doesn't flaunt it either. She is discreet. I don't understand it, but marriages are not always for love from I have learned in my old age. People marry and stay married for a number of reasons.

Oh, and from what I have learned from my divorced friends is that "they know" and they do not want anyone to bring it to their attention because now they know other people know and it makes them not want to be friends anymore. So I keep my mouth zipped and am there for them when they need a shoulder to cry on and someone to confide in.

 

[Amys Bling]

I have a friend (sorry to call her that, but we like her husband) who has been cheating on her husband for years. He is much older than her and very wealthy. He does not care that she is cheating as long as she stays with him. I know it is crazy, but their relationship works. No secrets, but again she doesn't flaunt it either. She is discreet. I don't understand it, but marriages are not always for love from I have learned in my old age. People marry and stay married for a number of reasons.

Oh, and from what I have learned from my divorced friends is that "they know" and they do not want anyone to bring it to their attention because now they know other people know and it makes them not want to be friends anymore. So I keep my mouth zipped and am there for them when they need a shoulder to cry on and someone to confide in.

well said-any people have arrangements I don't understand...