Wedding called off...

[beadchick]

I have been dreading posting this, but thought I would do it before the wellwishes starting coming from you all. The wedding is off. FI''s parents arrived from India last week of April, during which time I was in Florida getting my dress fitted- and it looked AMAZING. They actually had to take it in a couple inches!

At any rate, when I got home, they picked me up and the mom and I were sitting in the back seat as she immediately launched into how my wedding was going to go and changes that she was going to make. FI had wanted an italian rehearsal dinner, which I''d gotten the menu straightened out and everything arranaged OVER 2 months ago! They decided it had to be Indian food and they decided that ALL of their family members would be invited to the rehearsal. They reluctantly agreed to have my out of town guests come. They decided FI couldn''t wear a black tux, b/c it wasn''t an auspicious color, and after they stuck him in a brown suit (he HATES brown suits), he ended up in a navy one, which worked out okay.

I had opted to leave my condo and have FI continue to stay there with them b/c it is a safe area, on the way home from work for me if they needed checking on, etc. I opted, instead, to sleep on airmattress at one of my best friend''s apartments b/c it seemed to work out better. AND, it saved US thousands on having to house them for three months. Things continued to progress, she (the mom) looked at my baby pictures and proclaimed "oh, so you''ve always been big." Not to be a brat, but I was a pretty cute baby, no comments on that though! My t-shirt was too low cut...nothing was right.

Tuesday of 2 weeks ago, I asked him about when we could go for the tasting; he''d been previously agreeable to it being just him and I for tasting, and we could bring back leftovers for the parents, who were not funding or anything else of the wedding- my mom shouldered that w/ idea that I was going to reimburse for wedding gifts. My mom wasn''t going to the tasting b/c she was in Florida and driving up, but they, and FI, were insistent on them going, stating that my not wanting them to be there (the tasting was to be at caterer''s house, and I didn''t WANT MIL there for obvious reasons) was a sign that I didn''t respect or love his family. Can I reiterate they were LIVING IN MY HOUSE!!!

On Thursday of 2 weeks ago, I was informed that FI was so upset about tasting that he hadn''t slept overnight. The dad was upset, brother in india was crying, they didn''t think I was like this and FI was disappointed in me. I missed work and was at my house w/ them all day, trying to straighten things out. The major mistake I feel I made was leveling w/ the parents about financial problems he had, as a way to get them to back the f--- off about spending more money. We have been working (okay, I''ve been pulling and dragging him reluctantly out of debt) over the past year. He was mad at me for doing this. My priest, however, agrees w/ me, that it isn''t right to be complicit in lies to his parents the way he is, and wants me to be. Oh, and while he''d previously agreed that I could have my kids baptised at a later time, and that we could get our marriage blessed in the catholic church later, he was now refusing b/c his family is fundamentalist christian and catholics are "mary worshipers" and I "knew" that if he married me or got our marriage blessed in the church, he would automatically be catholic. Riiiighhht...

At any rate, he packed up in 30 minutes what took 3 days so move in, and has now moved out of the state. His mother stood in the doorway at one point and said, "if you marry her, I will leave." He wouldn''t even admit that he didn''t want to marry me, he just said, "yes, I think that''s best." So, the wedding is off, he is gone, ppl are surprised that I''m not falling apart. Falling apart seems to be a luxury of those who don''t have to work, right? I cant believe this happened, after 1 and 1/2 years together, he can do this in one week!

So, that''s my story. I am apparently single again. And, yeah, so much more to say, but where to even start...

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

What a story! I''m glad you''re holding up well. It sounds to me like you''ve dodged a major bullet.

 

[monarch64]

I''m so sorry to hear this, beadchick. Lots of hugs. Glad you''re not falling apart but do try to take some time for yourself.

 

[mary poppins]

Wow, wow, wow. I''m so sorry you experienced such a terrible time leading up to the wedding that won''t be, but based on this post and some of your prior ones I remember, it seems like it is all for the best. If you had married this guy, you likely would have lead a life full of constant disapproval and interference from his family - not a good way to live at all. I agree with PP, you dodged a bullet. Stay strong, surround yourself with supportive people and take care of yourself.

 

[tyty333]

Lots of hugs beadchick...I''m so sorry. Sounds like he lets his parents/family still influence him a lot. Some people have a hard time
standing up to their parents. Its good that you are learning this now. Hang in there...

 

[lulu]

I think someday you will be glad this happened. His family sounds like a piece of work!

 

[pancake]

Beadchick, I am so sorry to hear that this happened! I know that the lead-up period and wedding planning has also been very difficult because of similar differences of opinion so I can only imagine how awful the whole shebang has been.

However, I agree with the others - the "test" was a long one and it sounds like his family were going to keep bulldozing until a) you submitted or b) he did. I'm very sorry to see the outcome here but perhaps it may one day be for the best.

You are clearly a spirited person who tried her best under impossible circumstances! I hope your friends and family are rallying and giving you lots of support and the opportunity to vent often.

 

[monkeyprincess]

Wow, I''m really sorry. It doesn''t sound like he is ready to be married yet if his parents still have that much influence over him.

 

[RaiKai]

Lots of hugs to you.

I remember you recently posted about something to do with his family or some communication issues around the wedding (I think it was an alcohol issue?), and while you really thought it might be all fine after the wedding, I remember I was a bit concerned that it might be a sign of things to come - particularly if you had children and the like. I am really sorry that it did turn out that way...but I do think you really dodged a major bullet with this one as I don't think it would have cleared up after the wedding by the sounds of it.

And seriously, your ex-fiance was clearly not ready to be married yet if he is still regresses to being an absolute child around his parents and he could not stand up for YOU as his intended-wife. I find it abysmal they have that much influence over him.

 

[sba771]

I am so sorry, but you sound like an amazingly strong wonderful woman and you are extremely brave and I wish you the best.

 

[decodelighted]

The man is a child. He''s only comfortable in the "child" role. While you were together -- you were the parent. Coaching about his finances ... coaxing him into doing things he didn''t want or didn''t know how to do himself. Then his parents arrive. They trump you. They''ve parented him for longer + all the cultural stuff attached to his view of his parents. You couldn''t REALLY REALLY "see" him until you saw him with his parents. That''s the truth of who he is. Would you have WANTED to marry that? That him? I''m guessing the answer is "no" - which is why you''re not falling apart, work or not.

Of course it hurts. Of course its a traumatic change and the dismantling of a lot of hopes and dreams for that particular relationship. The GOOD news is that you actually have a much better chance to live the life you WANT now that he''s out of the picture. He wasn''t the man you wished he was. He was still a child in a man''s body.

**hugs***

 

[megumic]

Ugh, so sorry to hear about this! I think finding a balance btw SO and family is one of the hardest steps to take if you''re close to your family and going against what your family believes and how they feel can truly cause major issues. It seems clear your ex-FI was unwilling to put you first and that is was marriage is truly all about. I agree, I think you''ve dodged a major bullet here and hope you''re able to move on with as little grief as possible.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 5/21/2010 10:35:26 AM
Author: decodelighted
The man is a child. He's only comfortable in the 'child' role. While you were together -- you were the parent. Coaching about his finances ... coaxing him into doing things he didn't want or didn't know how to do himself. Then his parents arrive. They trump you. They've parented him for longer + all the cultural stuff attached to his view of his parents. You couldn't REALLY REALLY 'see' him until you saw him with his parents. That's the truth of who he is. Would you have WANTED to marry that? That him? I'm guessing the answer is 'no' - which is why you're not falling apart, work or not.


Of course it hurts. Of course its a traumatic change and the dismantling of a lot of hopes and dreams for that particular relationship. The GOOD news is that you actually have a much better chance to live the life you WANT now that he's out of the picture. He wasn't the man you wished he was. He was still a child in a man's body.


**hugs***

Good point deco.

Yes, you definitely DO not want a relationship where you end up being "the parent" to him as "a child". It's draining...and not healthy. There is a big difference between taking care of one another....and being a caretaker. You do not want to end up as a caretaker.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Beadchick, I am so sorry. You are a strong brave woman and it sounds like in the end this will be for the best. He wasn''t ready to be the man you deserve! I am so sorry, and even though you need to work, be sure to take some time for yourself as I''m sure there will be a greiving process.

Big hugs!!!!!

 

[lulu66]

((((HUGS))))
oh my goodness--it sounds like you have just lived through a horrific experience. i''m so sorry that this has happened; even if in the long run it is for the best. as others have said, remember to take time for yourself. and mourning the loss of your relationship (and almost marriage) is normal & can be therapeutic. you don''t have to hold it all inside, people will understand. best of luck to you, beadchick!

 

[purselover]

Huge hugs!!! I''m so sorry your engagement had to end like this - but you sound so strong and spirited and you deserve an equal partner not somebody who wanted another mother instead of wife. I wish you the best of luck I know you''ll be just fine and you will soon find someone worthy of you that will defend you!

 

[beadchick]

OMG! I love you guys! I'll be reading this again and again over the next couple of days for support. I read to my mom what you all just wrote and she thinks you all are great!

I should say that I am off for the next 1.5 weeks...because I was going to get married and go on our honeymoon! Its just tough, I was supposed to have my mendi party today and I'd bought this amazing sari to wear tonight for our rehearsal dinner to surprise him. (When am I ever going to wear a sari?) My patients keep asking me if I'm married yet. I'm like, no, called off. What do you say? I go with, "no, called off, better now than 5 years from now, right?" They generally agree and then try to say something supportive and tell me he's a moron. These are PSYCH patients, I LOVE my patients! How sweet are they?

I keep trying to figure out what to do. I've got my e-ring, if he wants it back, I don't think I should have to return it. He broke a promise, he promised he was going to love and honor and cherish me. Its hard to even take it off still. I've switched it to the right hand...but I've got to go from I'm in love and marrying the love of my life to suddenly, I'm single, my wedding is off, learning to sleep alone, and no longer having him in my life. And you want to know the thing that most upset him? When I told him his parents weren't welcome in my home anymore! That's what pissed him off. Can you believe that? What about, I'm sorry I embarrassed you in front of everyone you know, I'm sorry I made you fall in love w/ me. I'm sorry I made promises I never intended to keep.

I get impulsive and feel the need to DO things. I need to switch my gold jewelry to white gold b/c HE wanted yellow gold. What do I do w/ my wedding ring? He has my mother's china and our family's baby pics in his home. Do I get a lawyer? Do we sue him for lost costs of the wedding? What do I do w/ my dress? Can I wear it for somebody else someday? Am I one of those creepy chicks who has a dress and no guy now? When will I feel motivated to get off the sofa? All these questions, no answers...do you all know anyone who's been through this? What do I DO now?

 

[sba771]

Well I don't know about a lot of that, but if you need suggestions on what to do with the dress:http://myexwifesweddingdress.com/

(I hope this just makes you smile and laugh and I hope it isn't in poor taste, that site cracked me up)

 

[monkeyprincess]

Beadchick, you understandably have a million questions running through your head. Can you delegate some of these decisions to a trusted friend or family member - calling vendors and contacting his family to have them return your china and pictures? Right now, you need to focus on taking care of yourself and worry about what to do with the dress and sari later. Maybe you'll be able to sell them at some point. As for the ring, I can tell you that it depends on your state. In many states, an engagement ring is a gift conditioned upon marriage, so if there is no marriage, the man is legally entitled to have the ring returned. Other states, treat it as a gift outright, and you would be able to keep the ring. Like I said, I don't think you should worry about these things right now. I'm so sorry, I can only imagine how you are feeling right now. Take care of yourself!

 

[daffodil123]

Date: 5/21/2010 11:20:53 AM
Author: beadchick
OMG! I love you guys! I''ll be reading this again and again over the next couple of days for support. I read to my mom what you all just wrote and she thinks you all are great!


I should say that I am off for the next 1.5 weeks...because I was going to get married and go on our honeymoon! Its just tough, I was supposed to have my mendi party today and I''d bought this amazing sari to wear tonight for our rehearsal dinner to surprise him. (When am I ever going to wear a sari?) My patients keep asking me if I''m married yet. I''m like, no, called off. What do you say? I go with, ''no, called off, better now than 5 years from now, right?'' They generally agree and then try to say something supportive and tell me he''s a moron. These are PSYCH patients, I LOVE my patients! How sweet are they?


I keep trying to figure out what to do. I''ve got my e-ring, if he wants it back, I don''t think I should have to return it. He broke a promise, he promised he was going to love and honor and cherish me. Its hard to even take it off still. I''ve switched it to the right hand...but I''ve got to go from I''m in love and marrying the love of my life to suddenly, I''m single, my wedding is off, learning to sleep alone, and no longer having him in my life. And you want to know the thing that most upset him? When I told him his parents weren''t welcome in my home anymore! That''s what pissed him off. Can you believe that? What about, I''m sorry I embarrassed you in front of everyone you know, I''m sorry I made you fall in love w/ me. I''m sorry I made promises I never intended to keep.


I get impulsive and feel the need to DO things. I need to switch my gold jewelry to white gold b/c HE wanted yellow gold. What do I do w/ my wedding ring? He has my mother''s china and our family''s baby pics in his home. Do I get a lawyer? Do we sue him for lost costs of the wedding? What do I do w/ my dress? Can I wear it for somebody else someday? Am I one of those creepy chicks who has a dress and no guy now? When will I feel motivated to get off the sofa? All these questions, no answers...do you all know anyone who''s been through this? What do I DO now?

Oh honey, I can''t imagine the pain you are going though. I agree w the other posters that I''m glad this happend now instead of 5 years from now. How horrible would that have been. I would have a witness and when you speak to him tell him you would like certain things back, etc. So that way if something happens to them, you have someone there to vouch for you. As far as the wedding costs goes...I''m not sure what to say about that. I would contact a lawyer because if you have been helping him and paying for everything, I''m sure there are laws to help protect you. I say if he doesn''t ask for the ring back, I''d set it into something white gold for yourself. A nice pendant perhaps? And you can sell your suri, and sell a lot of wedding things. You are very strong, but it''s okay to feel sad and the other feelings you are having. And the fact he got mad after HE STOPPED THE WEDDING and you wanted your house back...BROTHER. He can GET OVER IT. Tell him to pay for a hotel for them or something. Not your parents, not your problem.

*HUGS!*

 

[beadchick]

He left the state. He has a house in Georgia. He packed up everything and moved south, moving truck and all the next day. Guess his mom got what she wanted.

I have always been the type that when I break up, its over, I don''t wish bad things for you, but you don''t exist for me anymore. This is different. He says he is going to pay for things. He is going to pay me for his wedding ring b/c he wants to wear it. He will only ever wear the ring from me. THEN WHY THE F--- DID YOU LEAVE ME? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?!!!

I''m like in shock, I knew there were problems, but I guess I always figured, well, we are both strong willed, he is 33, i''m 32, we work it out. Now in hindsight...uggh.

And then, I miss him. I want to call him. I can''t figure out why he won''t call me. I can''t stand to look at my facebook page b/c I need to delete our pictures, but I can''t stand to look at them to delete them. I just wish I could get angry. I think that if I could get angry, that would help a lot. When does the angry happen? I did the drinking thing, done w/ that. Did the crying thing, done w/ that, well, for now anyway. Still waiting on the anger to show up...

 

[Amzizzle]

I''m so sorry to hear this BC,but on another not if he couldn''t stand the pressure of this,he probably wasn''t going to make it through the entire marriage.

You deserve better,and you will find it.*hugs*

 

[choro72]

Honestly, I''m so happy for you. Marriages involving these kind of family requires the child to stand up to his/her parents and say "back off, I''m marrying this person, and s/he is my first priority." It won''t work otherwise.
I hope you enjoy your time to yourself!

 

[pancake]

Oh, you poor thing... Deactivate your facebook page - it will take it offline for a while whilst you take a break to slowly sort through your feelings.

Try to stop yourself from second guessing HIS actions - or lack of them. His reasons, actions and thoughts are not your responsibility any more. Even if he does contact you or wants to know how you are - your lives are no longer shared and it is no longer his right to know what you do, think or feel.

Re your property, there are a few ways you can do it. Perhaps you could ask a cool-headed friend (and one who you trust not to let his/her emotions get in the way of what should be a fairly detached transaction) to ask him to return it? Or alternatively, you can wait until you feel ready to ask him yourself without expecting him to behave in any particular way.

You can''t switch your feelings off - it would be totally abnormal to immediately STOP feeling everything you have felt for the last few years. It''s a slow process of adaptating and healing (some of which will probably feel totally counterproductive and hopeless - that is normal too!). Spend time doing things that are are "your" things, rather than activities you used to share. See your friends, hang out with your family. Distract yourself as best you can.

Hugs and thoughts to you!

 

[princesss]

Holy moly, beadchick! How ridiculous.

I''m so sorry you had to go through that. At least once you heal from this, you''ll be able to marry somebody that will put YOU first and will stand up to people that insult you, and won''t let anybody treat you this way.

Un-freaking-believable.

*hugs*

 

[choro72]

((hugs)) we''re here for you beadchick, and so is your family.

 

[Haven]

Beadchick I am so sorry to hear all of this!

You sound so strong and that tells me that a part of you realizes that this is not as bad of a thing as it feels right now.

Once the shock wears off, you''re probably going to go through a period of a sort of mourning--you''ll mourn the loss of your relationship and the life that could have been. That is going to be tough, but it''s good to get those feelings out.

AND THEN . . .

You''re going to wake up one day and realize that you are feeling good. No--you''re feeling great. And life has so many possibilities for you and you can be with someone who is truly wonderful for you.

It will happen. I know it. I''ve been close to where you are. We were engaged, of very different cultures, together for four years (or was it five? I don''t even remember anymore because it doesn''t even matter) and we broke off the engagement and at first I was numb, and then sad, and then REALLY, TRULY HAPPY.

And now I''m married to a wonderful man and I shudder to think of what my life could have been had I not gotten out of that relationship.

Big hugs to you. All of those sticky issues will be dealt with--you''ll get your mother''s china and your photos back eventually, you will. And this will all just be something that you went through on your way to finding the love of your life.

Big hugs to you, dear.

 

[Steel]

Sorry Beadchick.

1. IMHO Do not return that ring unless you are Court ordered.

2. There are stages of grief, as you prob. know, you are more than likely still in denial. Don''t force your emotions; they will come. You are experiencing a death of a kind; the death of your relationship.

1. Denial – "I feel fine."; "This can''t be happening, not to me."
   Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind after death.
2. Anger – "Why me? It''s not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"
   Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.
3. Bargaining – "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I''ll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
   The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time..."
4. Depression – "I''m so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I''m going to die... What''s the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
   During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect oneself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
5. Acceptance – "It''s going to be okay."; "I can''t fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
   In this last stage, the individual begins to come to terms with their mortality or that of their loved one.

 

[sammie83]

Date: 5/21/2010 11:39:04 AM
Author: beadchick
He left the state. He has a house in Georgia. He packed up everything and moved south, moving truck and all the next day. Guess his mom got what she wanted.

I have always been the type that when I break up, its over, I don''t wish bad things for you, but you don''t exist for me anymore. This is different. He says he is going to pay for things. He is going to pay me for his wedding ring b/c he wants to wear it. He will only ever wear the ring from me. THEN WHY THE F--- DID YOU LEAVE ME? WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?!!!

I''m like in shock, I knew there were problems, but I guess I always figured, well, we are both strong willed, he is 33, i''m 32, we work it out. Now in hindsight...uggh.

And then, I miss him. I want to call him. I can''t figure out why he won''t call me. I can''t stand to look at my facebook page b/c I need to delete our pictures, but I can''t stand to look at them to delete them. I just wish I could get angry. I think that if I could get angry, that would help a lot. When does the angry happen? I did the drinking thing, done w/ that. Did the crying thing, done w/ that, well, for now anyway. Still waiting on the anger to show up...

First off, I''m so sorry this happened to you beadchick.. even when things like this are for the best (which it seems to be in your case) it is still extremely difficult to fathom that it happened... one day you''re getting married, and the next you''re completely single and the guy just ignores you?! i know how it feels, i wasn''t engaged to the guy, but we practically were (he was also indian, whatya know?) i really don''t want to generalize about any races or nationalities, but i know indian guys have some odd attachment to their families and will do anything to please them (mind you, not all of them of course).. my bf of 2yrs just started ignoring me one day and he thought that meant we had broken up even though he never even told me he wanted to break up! anyway, i was devastated, and tried to get him back, but then i realized i didn''t want him back and i was MUCH better off without him (that took about 4 months), and i''m sure you''ll feel the same way in time.

in terms of what specific emotions you feel....don''t worry if you don''t feel angry, you don''t have to..just let your feelings come naturally---you don''t have to wonder why you''re feeling one thing and not the other

bottom line is, he has proven his dedication to you (or lack thereof) and shown you who comes first in his life not you)... so now as extremely painful and difficult as it may be, you must try to see the positive in this... guys like that will never ever change, and you got out before it was too late! yay for you!

and don''t let him play mind games with you with the whole "i''ll only wear a ring from you"...that''s bull$h!t!!!! you get that ring back and you return it! don''t take the money from him for it...get the ring back... do you really want him to have and wear something you so lovingly chose for him, when all he did was break your heart?

as for the ring, and outfits and other wedding stuff, i would definitely sell them....why do you want a reminder of this guy??? i would never wear an ex-engagement ring even if it was turned into a necklace or something else, plus you don''t want to offend your future man of your dreams (who is out there, don''t worry!) take the ring with your appraisal to a jeweler that buys gold and diamonds, and sell the other stuff on ebay or something

and whatever you do, DO NOT call him, as much as you may want to... he''ll wonder why you''ve gotten over it so quickly and that will drive him CRAZY, trust me. if you need to contact him about getting money from wedding stuff or getting any of your things back, just email him (short and sweet), or if you must call then be extremely business-like and non-emotional

i know this isn''t easy, and you have to do what''s best for you regardless of the advice anyone gives you, but if any of this helps then you''ll be one up!

and don''t forget to smile sometimes, BC, it will get better soon

 

[princessplease]

BC, I am so sorry this happened to you on what was to be a joyous time in your life. Nothing any of us can say will make the pain more bearable, however, you will get through this and be a stronger woman afterwards. Take this time to greive, be mad, upset, angry, whatever you need to do for you.
But I do agree with everyone else in that thankfully, this happened now, and not 5 years from now, with children and shared assets.

::HUGE HUGS::