to reset or not to reset?

[midnightshakesthememory]

Hello everyone. I have been a long time lurker, but this is my first post. My problem is this: I love love love that my now-husband really wanted to pick out my engagement ring on his own. He actually did a fantastic job with the stone and the setting is very...unique. Initially I thought it would grow on me, but now I find myself obsessing about getting it reset. I know even the mention of this would totally break his heart since he insisted on "doing this the old-fashioned way" and not letting me be involved in any step of the process. I think he already knows that I''m not head-over-heels about the setting because I did express some of my frustration in not being able to get the wedding band I always wanted. I only found one band that would actually sit up against the engagement ring, and even at that I had to have some of the platinum filed down on the engagment ring to even have a close to flush fit (which I prefer). The wedding band I ended up with will go nicely with pretty much any engagement setting, so that would not be a problem if I did go with a reset. So....to all you upgraders and reseters out there, how did you bring up this subject without totally breaking your beloved''s heart? We''ve been married for 9 months, so asking for a 5 year anniversary reset isn''t really going to work for me. Like I said, I''m obsessing about all the other setting I would prefer. The other wrinkle in this matter is that my mother-in-law (who loves me to death) helped my husband pick out the stone and setting. She works at a jewelry store and is very VERY against upgrading in general. She even mentioned to me that she hopes I am happy with this ring for the rest of my life. I understand that my husband and his mother both are sentimental romantics, which I think is great....but it is my finger! Help, please! Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated!

 

[Dee*Jay]

Is there any chance you could keep this ring and get a whole different ring? Then you could wear one on your right hand and one on your left. Or, is there any way that the ring could be modified to be more to your liking but not so much that it would be a whole different ring to you husband and MIL?

I also don't get the impression that you want a bigger/different diamond, just a different setting. Is that correct?

(P.S. - Doncha love it when the mother-in-law is involved?!

 

[~*Alexis*~]

Could you post a pic of your ring? Post a pic of the setting you would like instead? We could get a better idea that way.

 

[headlight]

Well, you are probably not going to like what I have to say, but here goes...
Keep in mind that I''m talking from 17 years of marriage/18 years of knowing my husband --
While I love the idea of a gent really getting into the selection of his lady''s ring and being "old fashioned" and sentimental, etc., who is wearing the ring here? I''m sorry, but I am just not of the school of thought that just because one''s guy picked something out, we should automatically love it -- and love it forever at that! My taste clearly differs from that of my husband and honestly I don''t think he has very good taste when it comes to buying things for me (although he has certainly improved quite a bit after all these years). This doesn''t mean that I don''t love my DH nor think he is a wonderful mate and person, etc., etc.
Second, and probably most important here, is that your MIL should have NOTHING to do with this, PERIOD. Fine, she worked in a jewelery store so it would be the natural occurence that your DH would employ her help in selecting your ring. But, again I ask, who is wearing this?
ALSO (this one really got to me!), who the hell is SHE to pass judgement or permission as far as any upgrade is concerned for YOU??? It is really NONE of her business. Additionally, it is of no business of hers whether you like your ring forever or what. And, I find that a humorous statement -- I mean, how can you like a ring forever that you didn''t even like from the start???
I know you are asking for ring advice, but let me give you some MARRIAGE advice which is really a lot more valuable:
1. You need to be able to speak up to your DH, even if you think it might upset him;
2. You need to get this marriage back to that between a husband and wife... not a husband, wife and his mother!
If you husband loves you as I''m sure he does, speaking to him candidly but caringly should get the message across with him not being upset. Remember, you are not the bad guy here! If anyone should be pissed off or upset, it should be YOU!
Also, you need to be FIRM with your MIL. Nip that intrusion in the bud right now or your life is going to be a living hell, especially when the grandchildren arrive. Whether or not you wear that ring or a different one for the rest of your life, or you upgrade it every three years should have no bearing on your MIL and is none of her business; she needs to finally cut that umbilical cord.

 

[Carey]

Married 29 years, and I heartily ''second'' every word headlight has to say!!! If your MIL gets upset over YOUR decision to get a setting that suits you, that is HER problem, and she will get over it. She will.

 

[midnightshakesthememory]

DeeJay--Thanks for the idea. It is a wonderful suggestion, but I am in love with my actual stone and want to keep it as my engagement ring stone. I''m just trying to pull a switcheroo on the setting!

Headlight--You are wrong. I absolutely loved what you had to say! You and Carey are right--I should not even let my MIL''s opinion affect my decision at all. I just know how STRONGLY she feels about this. She told me all about how all the other women at her store upgraded their rings, but how she would NEVER EVER do such a thing. She still loves the 0.20 carat ring her husband gave her because it means so much blah blah blah. I heard her telling someone this years before my DH and I were even thinking about engagement. But, I have noticed that she never wears rings at all anymore. HMMMMMM.

I am usually quite outspoken with my DH, but I am just so worried that this will crush him. I am just not sure how to bring it up in a way that won''t tarnish the memory of our engagement for him. The truth is that I don''t HATE my current ring. There are many times that I look at it and think how sleek and bold it looks, but I think that may just be that I really like the stone (which I plan to keep!) Also I am a little worried that I may have a little of that "the grass is always greener" syndrome. I am worried that if I go through the trouble (and heartbreak on his part) to reset it that I may end up finding a new setting that I just have to have. But one thing that I do know for sure is that I didn''t fall out of love with this setting. I was never in love with it to begin with. I remember seeing it for the first time and thinking "oh no" even though at the same time I was blown away by the size and sparkle of the stone.

Okay enough rambling from me. I will attempt to post some pictures of what I have and the other settings I would consider. Let me know what you think!

 

[midnightshakesthememory]

here''s a picture of the setting i currently have. note the way the bezels stick out. weird! i hate the profile, because they stick out so much. it''s funny--my husband said that the profile is what made him choose this setting--he likes the way you can see the whole side of the stone. it looks almost like a tension set from the side...except for those stupid bezels!

 

[midnightshakesthememory]

here are some settings that i like. i will probably have to post them each in their own post because i am kind of new to this attaching pictures stuff.

 

[midnightshakesthememory]

choice #2

 

[midnightshakesthememory]

choice #3

 

[midnightshakesthememory]

choice #4

 

[midnightshakesthememory]

choice #5

 

[midnightshakesthememory]

choice #6. last one!

 

[headlight]

I am so happy I didn''t offend you because that is the last thing I''d want to do!

While your ring is very pretty, I can see why you don''t like it. Clearly I can appreciate its contemporary appeal and design elements, yet it is definitely nothing I would select, either. Also, with that said, I think it is absolutely a style of ring that someone either loves or doesn''t and isn''t a type of style a guy should surprise his lady with unless he specifically knows this is up her ally in terms of taste (either through photo "hints" she''s left him, ring styles they''ve looked at together at jewelery stores, or help from her best friend or sister who truly knows what she likes and doesn''t like).
I think that your MIL really secretly desires a diamond larger than her 20 pointer, why else wouldn''t she be wearing it? I think she tells everyone she loves it so much to save face. Mind you, nothing wrong with a twenty pointer, but it doesn''t mean that the wearer of that ring should dictate to everyone else what they should be wearing! I think she loathes her friends upgrading because she hasn''t been able/allowed to! Also, if she is so proud of her ring and so attached, why isn''t she wearing it??? I have a friend who is extremely wealthy -- money is no object, exotic cars, custom homes, etc., etc. But she still wears her tiny e-ring. Clearly this woman could upgrade all she wants but chooses not to. But I think there is a hidden agenda there somewhere with your MIL.
The bottom line is this: You don''t like the ring, and it is your ring! The ring you are "supposed" to wear forever. Well, there is no way I would wear a ring I didn''t like, let alone forever! Just tell him. There is no way around it. It won''t ruin the "engagement". Trust the women on here who have been married for awhile -- there are SO many other events in the course of a marriage that weigh SO much more heavily in terms of meaning and sentiment and bond and committment and love than the engagement does.

 

[tulip928]

Go for it! You should be able to enjoy your ring. I changed my setting and I'm happy I did. I love all the rings you posted

- they're much more feminine than your current setting.

 

[gailrmv]

I really like what you currently have! It would look great with a bezel set eternity band!

 

[midnightshakesthememory]

i think my MIL is masquerading as gailrmv!

 

[Dee*Jay]

Midnight - I don't *hate* your current setting, but I don't love it either. Especially not those goofy doorknoby things. The styles that you posted are much more simple and classic. You have a one year anniversary coming up, right? Tell him you want a new setting! Since your MIL used to work in a jewelry store maybe she knows someone who can get you a discount.

 

[midnightshakesthememory]

headlight--your posts have been so comforting to me. it is so nice to feel like someone understands. you are totally right--my setting is one of those that you either love or hate, and no man has any business buying it for someone without even showing her a picture! i am getting fired up. DH doesn''t know what he is in for when he gets home tonight!

 

[Dee*Jay]

Date: 9/13/2006 8:07:38 PM
Author: midnightshakesthememory
DH doesn''t know what he is in for when he gets home tonight!

Oh Midnight -- let me offer you some advice! We have lots of threads were women want to change out their stones or settings and their husbands are resistant to the idea for some reason. Maybe a more *subtle* approach might get you to the same place but with less trauma. (I just have this vision of you DH coming in the front door and getting "confronted" LOL!) But of course YOU know him best. Just thought I''d throw in my 2 cents...

 

[midnightshakesthememory]

DeeJay, you are right about those doorknobs LOL!!!!!!!!!! Goofy is definitely the right word. The 1 year anniversary reset is a great idea! I am a little worried about what people would think though. I know I shouldn''t care about that, but I don''t know anyone who has ever upgraded around here, and I have the biggest rock of any of our friends...I think resetting it would kind of make me look like a brat.

So anyway, for those of you who have upgraded or reset somewhere along the way, what did you do with your old setting? As you can see from the photo, mine is pretty heavy. I''m sure buying this much platinum wasn''t cheap. I know some of you have mentioned trading in your old diamonds if you can when you upgrade, but can you get any sort of trade in value on a big hunk of platinum?

Another question: my wedding band is plain 2mm plat. Which of the rings that I am thinking about do you guys think would go best with that? I am thinking that the lockes and the ritani halo have the best chance of sitting flush, but I do love those tacoris....drool....

 

[swingirl]

I also have to agree. Your finger is with you every moment of everyday. If a ring is uncomfortable for ANY reason you shouldn''t have to keep it because someone ELSE loves it. As someone who sells rings and works in jewelry store your ML must realize that she sells a big variety of rings -- which means people have preferences, different shaped fingers, lifestyles, and perceptions of beauty.

With all the settings out there in jewelry stores, how could your husband and ML just happened to pick the exact one you''ve been dreaming about unless you were consulted and got to try it on for comfort (work on the comfort aspect). And would your husband let you pick out a motorcycle? Pair of skis? Business suit? or whatever and expect your choice to be the exact one he''d want to wear until the day he dies??? Of course not.

I''m sure you''ll find someway to break it to your husband that the idea of him shopping for your ring and keeping it a surprise is totally romantic, appreciated and unforgettable. But the setting just isn''t right and you want to look at your ring finger and be 100% happy. You do like the stone, right? I think the stone is more sentimental than the setting. I have upgraded my stone and setting and put my original stone in a pendant.

You might as well get good at communicating with your husband now because throughout your married life there will the tons of things you disagree on that will need to be discussed. And I wouldn''t even mention you MIL unless he does. THEN address that separately!

Good luck!

 

[headlight]

Yikes - you are starting to get me worried!!!
I would just start out by saying, "Can I talk to you about something?" Then sit down, no TV, etc., and say "There is something I need to get off my chest; it is something that has been upsetting me inside for a long time and I feel that if I don''t put it out there I will build up resentment toward you and it will affect our relationship -- and it isn''t fair for me to build up resentment toward you without you even getting a chance to know what is bottled up in me.
Then proceed by saying "It is about my engagement ring. I know you put in a lot of time and effort and thought and care and love to surprise me and be old-fashioned about it and surprise me and do the right thing... and you have to know that I love you for it! But, you also have to know that like every other little girl, I''ve dreamed of the day I would be proposed to and the ring I''d have, and this just isn''t it. I love the diamond itself, so please know that -- and that is the most important and costly part of it! But as far as the setting goes, I just don''t like it at all. When you first presented it to me, I thought "oh no". I know that sounds bad, but that was my honest first reaction. I tried to overlook it, because I was thrilled that you asked me to spend the rest of my life with you. Also, I could see how proud you were of the ring and I didn''t want to hurt you, so I thought I would get used to it and come to love it. But I have to be honest -- it just isn''t happening for me. I know you wanted to pick it out, but *I* am the one wearing it -- the one who gazes at it a million times a day. And thus tt should be a ring that *I* love, too! While I can appreciate its bold, contemporary styling, it just isn''t my taste and nothing I would ever pick out for myself. When I look down at my engagement ring, I should be filled with positive emotions of how much I love you and how beautiful a ring you gave me -- but when I look at it, I am sad because I love you so much but and don''t want to hurt you but that I absolutely hate this ring! I''m so sorry I don''t love it like you do. I wish I could feel differently about it, and I''ve tried. But I have to be honest with you, and if we can''t be honest with each other, we have nothing. I''m not asking you to change the diamond (not now at least -- ha, ha) but just the setting. Something a bit more classic, dainty, feminine, and timeless. I''m just not a "contemporary" ring style kind of gal! And I know "Mom" helped you with the selection and I love her for it. It is obvious she wanted you to get me something really nice and that speaks volumes about the kind of person she is and what an amazing MIL I got! But at the end of the day, *I''m* the one wearing it -- not you... not "Mom". We all have differing tastes, and that makes life interesting. So while I appreciate yours and your mother''s time with this selection, it just isn''t me. If this was something like a pendant, then I could see enjoying something that is different than I might normally buy for myself. But items like that aren''t things that are worn all the time and certainly don''t carry the "weight" nor the importance nor the significance of the engagement ring. Honey, I really need to change the setting and get something I feel comfortable with that doesn''t fill me with conflict everytime I look down at my hand. Please don''t be hard on yourself about this -- most guys who do the surprise just get a plain, traditional solitaire since it is the most "neutral" of styles so that their girl will either be fine with it or so they don''t spend a lot on the mounting so the girl and guy and pick something else out after the surprise proposal -- but you went above and beyond that and didn''t take the "easy" way out -- and that is what I love about you.

You can adapt this to your way of speaking and his personality, etc., but I''m just trying to give you some pointers on how to just jump to the point and get it out there. Good luck!!!

 

[Dee*Jay]

Headlight -- next time I have something difficult to say I''m consulting you first for pointers!

 

[headlight]

Sorry for all the typos -- I was so worried you were going to bite his head off the minute he came through the door that I was typing really fast and didn''t edit afterwards!
But, I was reading the other posts that came through while I was typing and everyone is giving you great advice. I like the part about your MIL working in a jewelry store, so she should''ve known that the style he picked was way too "stylized" and contemporary and basically "risky" as a surprise ring without knowing you had your eye on it secretly! Also, the jeweler -- especially since your MIL works there and brought the business in from your DH for the stone and the setting to begin with -- might take it back. They can polish it up like new and put it back in the case. This happens all the time. However, if they are going to be jerks about it, then you can try to sell it or perhaps put in a sapphire or pearl to wear on your other hand as a "fashion" ring. I think it makes a great RHR when you want to accent your trendy outfit with a really cool contemporary piece of jewelry -- just not the ring you want all the time for your e-ring. And, to those PSers out there who have e-rings like that who love them -- I have no issue with that style -- it is a very beautiful ring -- but for a "traditional" girlie girl, it is a bit bold. Just differing tastes, not saying one is better than the other.
But if the jeweler will not take it back, the fact that your DH (and you) will have to incur the costs of a new setting is NOT YOUR PROBLEM! You didn''t pick out the ring you don''t like -- he did! He took a risk and lost, bottom line. It was a crap shoot and 50/50 chance you''d like it. Well, this gamble didn''t pay off. So, you lay out a couple grand for a new mounting. While this may seem like a HUGE thing right now in your young married life, it is so minor I cannot even begin to tell you! Trust me and your fellow PSers who have been married for a long time. Believe me, when you have the ring you love on your finger, he''ll know the difference in how you act about it!
Don''t feel guilty about him having to spend more money for a new mounting -- it was his misstep. You are still entitled to and waiting for the ring of your dreams!

 

[headlight]

Date: 9/13/2006 8:38:01 PM
Author: Dee*Jay
Headlight -- next time I have something difficult to say I''m consulting you first for pointers!

Thanks! You are so cute.
I charge by the hour -- just kidding!!!
It should be obvious to everyone here by now reading this thread that I''ve been down this road or two (in terms of other sticky "have to figure a way to tell the hubby") situations over the past 18 years. So, I''m getting skilled at it, I guess!!!

 

[WTNLVR]

You won''t get much for the setting. What about setting a sapphire or other colored stone in it and make it into a right hand ring? It looks like a very high setting and uncomfortable to wear for an every day ring. Hope you can get it sorted out.

 

[midnightshakesthememory]

*WOW* headlight! That is such AMAZING advice. Do you do this for a living or something? If not, you should seriously look into it! You brilliantly articulated exactly what I have been thinking since the night we got engaged, except I have really been beating myself up about it. Thinking what a selfish little brat I must be to even think such a thing when the man I love with all my heart just spent his life''s savings (literally) on one piece of jewelry just for me.

Also, for the record I would like to state that I desperately tried to be involved in the engagement ring process, especially since I know that I am picky when it comes to these things (not to mention that I love shopping for diamonds). He really wanted to surprise me. I showed him pictures, but he wanted to choose something I had never seen before. (Can you say stubborn?) I did drag him to a couple of jewelry stores to try on rings so he could get an idea of what I liked, but he insisted that he did not want me to pick out the setting. He spent a serious amount of time and energy checking out every setting in the world before choosing this one (which was like nothing I had ever seen before, and certainly not a direction that I sent him in by any means). At one point I just gave up and thought if this is the way he really wants to do it I should just let him. Afterall, I had no idea what he would pick, it could have been perfect. When he chose this setting, I''m not sure if he really thought I would love it or if he just really loved it...but at least he did get from our trying-on trips that I wanted a RB. This could have gone a lot worse!

 

[decodelighted]

Good advice all around. Yes, I would fess up to the fact that the setting has not "grown on you" as you''d very much HOPED it would. That you prefer a more delicate, feminine setting for your e-ring that would *cough* BETTER FLATTER THAT GOREGOUS ROCK he got you! ... see, little honey to help the meds go down.

Another idea: KEEP that hunk of platinum setting, even though you don''t love it. Set an inexpensive gemstone in it and wear it from time to time. SEEEEEEEE ... you''ll always "cherish" that ring as your MIL hoped!

But you''ll ALSO, EVERDAY get to enjoy your Sparkly in a setting YOU admire.

ps -- what is it with men? why do they always pick out modern, masculine-ish things -OR- stock solitaires. Okay, not ALL of them .. but geez .. a lot!!!

 

[headlight]

Thanks for the kudos on my communication skills. Believe me, it has taken many years for me to grow out of my meek shell and have the confidence to face adversity head on!
I''m glad you mentioned that you did take him to jewelry stores and tried on rings and also showed him photos. This gives you more "ammunition" in stating your "case". I''d just flat out say that you tried to show him what you wanted, and when he didn''t want you to get involved, you felt that you had at least steered him in the right direction and gave him ideas to work with but that the exact ring itself would just have to be a surprise. And then when you received the ring, you just thought to yourself, "Where in the world did he ever get the idea I''d like that????" Just say that you NEVER showed him rings like that. And that meant that you DON''T LIKE rings of that genre. The rings YOU like are the rings YOU showed him!!! There was no trickery in all of this!!! And if he says "But I liked this ring" you have to flat out say "That''s great, but it''s my ring that I wear, period."
Also, note how I delicately suggested how you can bring his mom into this -- I complemented her all the way around and expressed my appreciation of her in my little dialogue. This is really key.
Also, you have to set your marriage on equal footing from the get-go, as in from this point forward. So, please note that you are not ASKING him if you can change your ring -- you are TELLING him this is what you are going to do. Let me ask you a question: Do you work? If so, that helps in the financial aspect of the new mounting purchase, as in, you work and contribute toward this household, and you can do what you like w/ your money. Even if you are not working right now, I can help you with that one so let me know!!!
The point is that you are being open and honest with him which is the basis of a good marriage, and you want the two of you to walk forth together in this process from this point on. This doesn''t mean he has to give his opinion on what you should get, as you are going to pick out what YOU want this time, but you can let him think he is taking part! He needs to give you his "blessing" to go forth and do this. And he needs to tell his mother that it just wasn''t your "dream" but you didn''t want to hurt his feelings and you ESPECIALLY didn''t want to hurt her feelings because you see other people you know who don''t have very nice or supportive MILs and you KNOW how blessed and lucky you are to have HER as yours and you would never want to jeopardize that in any way because she is so SPECIAL. AND, the most important part is the diamond and you are in LOVE with it and are SO grateful your MIL stepped in and assisted your DH in selecting such a gorgeous stone -- blah, blah, blah -- you get the point! You should make notes on a piece of paper so you don''t forget all these points. Also, when he sees how much time you''ve put in this conversation, he''ll see how important this is and how much thought you''ve given to it and that you''ve chosen your words and thoughts carefully. I''m going to dinner -- can''t wait to hear how it goes.