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Is a surprise proposal insincere?

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I''ve been reading a few posts on PS about involving the gal in purchase of the e-ring, which of course means she will (at least) expect a proposal in the future. This means she has time to contemplate her future with this man and give a non-rushed response when the question is popped.

Do you think it is a bit insincere and/or selfish for a guy to pop the question without you even suspecting it and expect an immediate answer. It''s usually at a time when you''re high because of the restaurant setting, the holiday location or whatever and an impulsive answer could be excused. Or does the romance overrule? Or do you gals reach a point in a relationship when you''re expecting a proposal sometime in the near future without tip or slip, and are ready for it?
 

JulieN

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even if she isn''t suspecting it, trust me, she''s thought about it.

Dad says, don''t ask if you don''t know the answer.
 

KristyDarling

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Not "selfish" per se....just not a sensible idea for most people.

IMO, it's a must-do and also utterly romantic to have serious talks about a possible future together BEFORE engagement....the heavy stuff like your positions on kids, religion, finances, how you would deal with each other's families, etc. Once you've had those talks and feel that you're on the same page, then the woman will probably be expecting a proposal at some point. Even if she is expecting one, you can still surprise the heck outta her with a thoughtful, sweet proposal at an unexpected time/place.

However, if you haven't yet had the serious compatibility talks, then a spur-of-the-moment proposal might catch her off guard and - while it would be VERY romantic - could lead to a spur-of-the-moment acceptance. Which could lead to a Britney Spears/Jason Alexander-type annulment fiasco later on. Of course, that's the absolute worst-case scenario, but I'm a firm believer in lining your ducks in a row before popping such a life-changing question.
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galeteia

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Ditto on the ''don''t propose unless you already know the answer is yes'' viewpoint. My FF told me about a friend of his who sprung it on his girlfriend, and guess what? She said no. He could have saved himself some heartache and the cost of the ring if he''d tested the waters first.
 

bee*

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I agree with everyone-just test the waters first and have some chats about your future just to make sure you''re on the same page
 

stebbo

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So you''d agree that a proposal that isn''t completely out of the blue doesn''t lose anything romantically? Like, have any of you girls wished that he''d surprised you rather than discussing his intentions?
 

decodelighted

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Date: 7/26/2006 10:56:10 PM
Author: stebbo
Have any of you girls wished that he''d surprised you rather than discussing his intentions?
NO NO NO NO a million times NO! I am not an impulsive person and I don''t even want to THINK about what would have happened if my fiance had proposed at a time when I wasn''t "as prepared" as he was.

If you know your gal well enough to propose ... you probably know where she''d come down on the issue. Some ladies are pure, born romantics ... some are more obsessive control freaks
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. Is yours somewhere in the middle maybe?
 

stebbo

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If you know your gal well enough to propose ... you probably know where she'd come down on the issue. Some ladies are pure, born romantics ... some are more obsessive control freaks
35.gif
. Is yours somewhere in the middle maybe?

No, not in the middle, I have a pure, born romantic, obsessive control freak! She ties me up to the bed posts and forces me to recite poetry to her.
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Seriously thought, I'm already married, after already taken the chance of a surprise engagement - it went great, but I wouldn't do it again. Too much room for misjudgement in her decision, the ring choice, undue pressure for her to answer etc. for very little added benefit (if any benefit at all). Hopefully some guys reading threads like this reconsider if they were planning on a complete surprise proposal.
 

galeteia

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Considering that my FF started joking about getting married two hours into our first real conversation, he'd have a difficult time trying to 'surprise' me.

I definitely wouldn't want a request for marriage sprung on me out of the blue. Even if I was into the idea, I'd be a little offended that he didn't 'discuss' it with me, including all the bases that need to be covered pre-marriage.
 

ephemery1

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Date: 7/27/2006 12:47:18 AM
Author: Galateia

I definitely wouldn''t want a request for marriage sprung on me out of the blue. Even if I was into the idea, I''d be a little offended that he didn''t ''discuss'' it with me, including all the bases that need to be covered pre-marriage.
I agree with Gala on this. I like to think of our marriage as an equal partnership, not something that he decides and I agree to. It would be very offensive to me if he just assumed he could make that decision FOR me, without discussing issues like kids, finances, home, etc. together first.

I know of at least 10-12 couples who''ve gotten engaged in the past few years, and all of them had pretty extensive discussions about marriage beforehand (all are in their mid-late 20s and had at least a year-long relationship prior, if that makes a difference)... but I don''t think I know of anyone who had a totally "surprise" proposal. I think in today''s world, it would be somewhat naive of a guy to expect he could pop the question totally out of the blue, and have all those important conversations AFTER instead of ahead of time.
 

firebirdgold

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I''ve said it before, and I''ll say it again. Unless the guy sends the woman a memo with the date, time, place, exact speech, and pictures of the ring, the ring box, and his clothing... it''s gonna be a surprise. And I now have empirical evidence to back this up!
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My fi and I had been talking seriously about getting married for well over a year. I knew he''d been saving money for months. I''d sent him a list of approved ring choices which really only boiled down to about 4 possible rings. I also knew he had bought the ring since he''d mentioned that some large and unusual internet purchase had caused a fraud alert on his cc and it had been shut off. There was even a part of me that suspected that he''d give me the ring for my birthday.
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Yet when he told me to close my eyes, went and rustled around in his bag like he was getting something big out (sneak, it was already in his pocket), sat back down, placed the open ring box on his plate and told me to open my eyes... I was still surprised! I thought it was incredibly romantic.
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Just my .02 on the ring thing... In the end, I really liked the fact that I didn''t know exactly which ring he was going to pick. It''s extra special to me since it reflects his tastes as well as mine. And even better, he''s super proud of the ring and of himself!
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Besides, being in a sweat of anticipation makes it all the sweeter I think. Do you guys remember how you felt right before christmas as the presents piled up under the tree? (er. for those who celebrated it, that is.) You''d given Santa a list, you could see the wrapped presents, you''d even shaken them to try and guess what each was, and you knew the exact time you''d be opening the present. And it made finally getting to open them on christmas morning all the more exciting!
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Fancy605

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I agree with what a lot of people have said. It seems these days that a lot of couples discuss the idea of marriage before a proposal takes palce. And I think it is a very good idea for couples to discuss such things--especially with the rate of failed marriages being what it is, you want to make sure you''ve had plenty of time to really THINK about what marriage means and whether it can work with your intended mate.

I have said it before, I do not like being put on the spot for an answer, and I think this would especially hold true in marriage because--really that is possibly the most important decision of your life if you think about it. My guy and I have discussed the idea, and we both agree that it''s what we want, BUT I agree with Sumbride--I still think it will be a surprise when he does propose, even if we both already know what my answer will be.

Second, I know several guys who have gotten really dissapointed (and who have been out a good bit of money) because they blindsided their g/fs with proposals and got an answer that went something like, "No" It def. never hurts to be sure she''ll say yes before you go into it.
 

VRBeauty

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And if you know the answer, for goodness sake don''t wait forever to ask the question! Some of you gentlemen are absolutely torturing your future brides by waiting for the perfect "setting," or for all of your life circumstances to be perfect before asking:

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/i-feel-a-breakdown-coming-on.48706/

She''s in love with you. The process/propopsal and all the rest are secondary.

Ask her, already!
 

IrishAngel7982

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Date: 7/30/2006 6:10:20 PM
Author: MINIMS
And if you know the answer, for goodness sake don''t wait forever to ask the question! Some of you gentlemen are absolutely torturing your future brides by waiting for the perfect ''setting,'' or for all of your life circumstances to be perfect before asking:

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/i-feel-a-breakdown-coming-on.48706/

She''s in love with you. The process/propopsal and all the rest are secondary.

Ask her, already!
Amen to that!!!
 

Julian

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I agree with Indie -- even though we''d been talking about marriage, went ring shopping and he even asked for my parents'' blessing... it was still a shock when he proposed because I had no idea when or how. Plus, there are lots of other little moments of surprise that were involved.

Most men know the answer before they propose, right? If the woman doesn''t say YES YES YES, then they haven''t been communicating or she''s not ready. If he knows that and proposes anyway, to force the issue.. that would be a red flag.
 

fisherofmengirly

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Date: 7/28/2006 11:42:52 AM
Author: IndieJones
I''ve said it before, and I''ll say it again. Unless the guy sends the woman a memo with the date, time, place, exact speech, and pictures of the ring, the ring box, and his clothing... it''s gonna be a surprise. And I now have empirical evidence to back this up!
9.gif


My fi and I had been talking seriously about getting married for well over a year. I knew he''d been saving money for months. I''d sent him a list of approved ring choices which really only boiled down to about 4 possible rings. I also knew he had bought the ring since he''d mentioned that some large and unusual internet purchase had caused a fraud alert on his cc and it had been shut off. There was even a part of me that suspected that he''d give me the ring for my birthday.
31.gif


Yet when he told me to close my eyes, went and rustled around in his bag like he was getting something big out (sneak, it was already in his pocket), sat back down, placed the open ring box on his plate and told me to open my eyes... I was still surprised! I thought it was incredibly romantic.
9.gif


Just my .02 on the ring thing... In the end, I really liked the fact that I didn''t know exactly which ring he was going to pick. It''s extra special to me since it reflects his tastes as well as mine. And even better, he''s super proud of the ring and of himself!
5.gif


Besides, being in a sweat of anticipation makes it all the sweeter I think. Do you guys remember how you felt right before christmas as the presents piled up under the tree? (er. for those who celebrated it, that is.) You''d given Santa a list, you could see the wrapped presents, you''d even shaken them to try and guess what each was, and you knew the exact time you''d be opening the present. And it made finally getting to open them on christmas morning all the more exciting!
36.gif
I *totally* agree with the Christmas analogy here. I *love* a surprise, but the ANTICIPATION of it is what makes it so much fun. If I had access to the ring beforehand, I would have done EVERYTHING but open it and look at it. That is such a fun stage, and I loved thinking about it, wondering, guessing when, where, etc. It drove me a little crazy, but in the fun way. It was a surprise, but not to the degree he''d initially hoped for. Somehow, boys get the idea *media, maybe* that this is supposed to be this huge ordeal, and really, no matter HOW it is done, it''s a surprise when the MOMENT finally comes.

So, it''s a surprise even when the girl has input in the ring, in the idea of marrying, etc. It''s a great surprise when the man you love and can''t wait to love for life asks to be your husband. It''s a great, expected, but not perceived as to when, surprise!!
 

jasper

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Stebbo,

A "surprise" proposal can be very romantic... especially if she has some idea that you might be "the one", and that you think she might be "the one", and that you are the sort of guy who sees marriage in your future.

But even if all that is true, and you are pretty sure she''ll say "Yes", are you ready for her to say "It''s too soon!"? Because if it really is a surprise, she might need more time to decide. How would you react?

-- Jasper
 

aljdewey

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Date: 8/9/2006 7:27:20 PM
Author: fisherofmengirly

I *love* a surprise, but the ANTICIPATION of it is what makes it so much fun.
I dunno about that. I pop into the LIW thread from time to time, and many of them report being frustrated, depressed, crying, fighting with BFs due to extreme duress, etc.

They don't seem to consider it "fun".
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ammayernyc

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I was completely surprised and I loved it!

We''d been together for a long time but didn''t discuss specifics about our future...

I thought the proposal was wonderful and romantic (although the worrying about whether it would ever happen was not fun).
 

doppelganger

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mine was a surprise. she didn''t expect it at all. but i had also asked her a long while back (more than a year or two ago) if she preferred surprise or knowing- nonchalantly, of course, and while we were on the topic of another''s engagement to begin with. i asked her while we were discussing a friend''s plan on discussing that stuff with his now fiance. she said surprise would be better, so i remembered and went with that.

she would always bug me about when we would get married though, so i would say the pressure wasn''t on her to say yes so much as on me to ask... but since i would deflect those questions like the guy i am, she was surprised when the day came.

The ring choice is tricky though, but hopefully you know your girl well enough to pick out something she would love.,..
 

nejarb

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i''m not commenting about the aspect of suprise, but i have an idea for the ring if you do decide to suprise her. go to claire''s (it sells costume jewelry for young girls) and get her a ring there. just for the proposal. then she can help you with the real ring after she says yes, and wear the play ring if she wants to just for fun.
 

chesna

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Whatever happened to suprises, marriage is something that should be a suprise. I hate the fact nowadays that everything is planned out. That she gets to pick her engagment ring. What happened to the sincerity of it being a suprise. that''s one of the greatest suprises next to finding out your pregnant. I think making is a suprise is so romantic. Definetly test the waters a little in a sneaky way. And be sure of what your doing but yes a surpise is denfinetly the way to go. And damnit people quit planning everything before hand it takes the fun out of life.

Chesna
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CrownJewel

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I think we''ll find many women who want to be involved in the design of their e-ring, and many who don''t want to be involved. Whether or not it is planned does not subtract from the sincerity of the proposal. I believe the "sincerity" of the proposal lies within the words, not the ring, not the time and not the location of the proposal. If he or she is truly sincere in asking "will you spend the rest of your life with me?" then that means he/she knows the other person well enough to desire a future together. Even if she doesn''t like the ring, the sincerity of the relationship makes it hard to refuse the proposal.

A surprise proposal is great. It''s romantic and I agree that it''s very easy to surprise the other person with a ring, even if she knows exactly what the ring looks like. I also agree that it''s important to have an idea that the answer will be yes, because that shows that you are both on the same page regarding your relationship. The mutual understanding of each other makes the substance of the proposal (those words!!) that much more sincere.
 

CrownJewel

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And damnit people quit planning everything before hand it takes the fun out of life.
Chesna, while I admire people who are totally spontaneous, I have to say that we had A LOT of fun choosing our ring together. I am a designer by nature, and my almost-fiance is an extremely logical person by nature. I thought it was very romantic that he wanted me to be happy with the ring he bought for me. Even if he surprised me with a ring that I didn''t pick out, I would still say yes and I wouldn''t change the ring. However, I think I''ll have even more fun wearing a ring that I helped to pick out.

We''ve planned lots of things together, and we''ve also had many spontaneous moments (spur-of-the moment vacations, etc) and both are equally fun.
 

diamondhunter10

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Great question,
I think that Julie said it best that if she has conveyed that to you directly you should be in tune on her feelings and potential reaction?

"Dad says, don''t ask if you don''t know the answer." Julie N
 

anacgarcia

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I don''t think I''d be offended if I were asked out of nothing.. but it certainly helps to talk about it before, abouth the wedding you both want, about kids, place to live, ring you expect...

I think it''s great to know you''re both in tune...
 

superlizzy

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I would say a complete surprise is the way to go!!! It is classical and it is romantic. It is not insincere nor disrespectful.

I''ve read so many of the posts above and it seems to me that alot of people are in-secure about their choices and decisions and perhaps feel overpowered by their significant other.
An engagement ring is a GIFT from a man to a woman, that she accepts when she says YES. A man BUYS it for a woman whom he beleives he knows and understands well enough to spend the rest of his life with.

Why in the world does she need to choose her own ring? If you know her well enough you should already know her taste, know what type of jewellery she owns, what she likes to wear, etc. etc. Do you always ask your girlfriend/fiancee/wife what she wants for her birthday? for christmas? or do you feel that the element of surprise makes for a large part of the gift? You use your best judgement.

I am sorry I disagree with the majority here and go against the grain, but I say GO FOR IT
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As for everyone that says you need to have your ducks lined up, life planned, everything settled... I would argue that so many women want a man that is "exciting", "spontaneous", and "romantic". If she is a control freak, wants to control every aspect of the relationship, including the ring you buy her, the amount of money she wants you to spend on it, where you will spend your money, they I think you have alot more to worry about than a ring or a proposal. You should know your girlfriends position on politics, life, weddings, and kids from being with her and talking with her over the time you have been together. No need for a formal future planning session.

Good Luck,
 

codex57

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Date: 7/25/2006 12:42:08 AM
Author: JulieN
even if she isn''t suspecting it, trust me, she''s thought about it.


Dad says, don''t ask if you don''t know the answer.

hahaha, that pretty much sums it up right there. Unless you''re crazy enough to do it like a month into the relationship, she''s thought about it. May not be expecting it, but she''s thought about it. As such, most guys prefer to completely surprise the girl (much easier said than done).

But of course, most guys are afraid of rejection. Especially when it comes to proposing with a ring you shelled out a ton of money for. So, most guys won''t ask unless they''re very sure of the answer (and that''s usually how the girl is tipped off cuz guys tend to be less skillful at reading signs than girls are).
 

diamondhunter10

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this is a great question, my girlfriends and I were talking about this a few months back. When we discussed our different proposals there was one common theme. That was that we talked about our different values, views as it relates to life, kids, family, etc.
I think that it is something that you have to bring up so that you can confirm that you are on the same page. My thought would be to have a discussion and then surprise her when and how you want.
Let us know how it goes?
any thoughts on where you would get your E-ring?
 

the other Jake

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Date: 12/16/2006 5:58:16 PM
Author: diamondhunter10
this is a great question, my girlfriends and I were talking about this a few months back. When we discussed our different proposals there was one common theme. That was that we talked about our different values, views as it relates to life, kids, family, etc.
I think that it is something that you have to bring up so that you can confirm that you are on the same page. My thought would be to have a discussion and then surprise her when and how you want.
Let us know how it goes?
any thoughts on where you would get your E-ring?
You realize you are responding to a July post right? lol
 
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