Older men? Anyone dating/married to someone 10+ years older?

[Cravin My Emerald cut]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 3 years now. We''ve discussed our futures....where to live, children, etc. I feel there''s still a little more to discuss, but considering we don''t plan on getting married until 2010, I try to have "one discussion at a time" so to speak.

I think what causes most of my anxiety is our age difference. I''m 23 and he''s 41. I''ve always gotten along better with people older than me (most people are surprised that I''m this young). We have tons in common and he''s truly my best friend, but occasionally I get those comments from others about the age difference. It doesn''t bother me so much right now, but will it be different when I''m 40 and he''s 58? or 50 and 68?

Generally, I go with the mantra of "as long as you''re happy, just go with it, because you never know when your life will end".....not to be morbid.

Anyway, my hope is that someone on this list is either in a relationship with someone much older or younger than them or perhaps have close friends in a similar relationship. Comments? Thoughts?

 

[Independent Gal]

I've had relationships with men substantially older than me (like, 15 years). And so I've thought through some of the things you're thinking about. One of my closest friends is with a man who is nearly 60, while she is 32. They have just had a baby. This baby will likely not have a dad at his wedding. Her partner doesn't really fit in with her friends, because he is very childish. He is as mature as she was when she was 20 and they started dating. She grew up. He didn't. But she still loves him.

Here is what you have to think through:

1) No offence, but if you were 20 and he was almost 40 when you two started dating, is he a grown up? Some 20 year olds are very mature for their age, but not 40-years-old mature. At least, I hope not. That would be sad. Which suggests that if you have that much in common at that age, does that mean he's mentally or emotionally 20? If so, he ain't growin' up anymore, whereas you probably will. I know that might sound harsh, but think about it. Are you going to outstrip him in 5 years?

2) Is he daddying you? Are you being daddied? That might be OK, as long as you see it.

3) If he is neither immature, nor daddying you, does he get something else from being with a woman half his age, which he's going to go looking for again when you are 35. Think CAREFULLY about that one.

4) Do you love him so much that when you are in your early 40's, you will be OK with slowing right down, because he won't have the energy you do, and then will you be OK with being 50 and married to a man who possibly is beginning to need nursing? You'll spend the last active decades of your life nursing an old man, who (hate to say it but) likely can't have sex with you anymore or won't want sex as much. Embarassingly, this was something my dad pointed out to me. Men slow right down at middle age. Are you going to be willing and able to deal with that when you're in your prime? It's no joke. Are you prepared to make that sacrifice? Do you love him that much? If so, that's fine, but don't close your eyes to the reality of it.

5) Are you prepared to be a widow for a goodly chunk of your life, and for your children (if you have some) to finish growing up without a daddy?

You need to take a SERIOUS look at yourself, at him, and at your relationship, and you need to know what you're getting yourself into.

If you feel like you can handle it, and you're confident that you love each other for the right reasons, and that you're not going to grow up while he stays mentally 25 indefinitely, then go for it. There are plenty of happy relationships between people wtih big age differences. And there are advantages too. He's probably more secure financially, which means stability (and a bigger diamond!) for you, e.g..

I hope this doesn't come across TOO much as 'tough love'. It's just that I've been there, and was VERY glad that I thought all this stuff through. Because it turned out that, for me, it wasn't worth it. Don't go in blinkered is all.

ETA: and yes, of course, you could end up dying first (heaven forbid). But the PROBABILITY is that you'll spend your last 20 years growing old alone.

 

[FrekeChild]

I think that IndyGal has made some very very good points. This merits a lot of thought on your part.

My mom''s best friend is divorced and has had a VERY hard time finding another mate at the age of 54, even though she looks like she''s in her 40s, is a fantastic cook, very independent and is financially set for life. If something happens to him when he''s 70, that leaves you at 52ish-with probably another 30 years to go. Alone.

Also, what do your parents think about your situation? I wonder if they are in favor of you marrying this fellow? Or is there disapproval? I would imagine that it would be very difficult for your father to deal with.

Another thing, do you spend time with him and your friends? Do you live together? What do your friends think of your relationship and the fact that you''re dating a middle aged man?

Are you financially independent?

I suggest rereading IndyGal''s post. She''s been there, done it, and I think she has a lot to offer in this arena, just as in so many others.

 

[EricaR]

There is a 13 year age difference between my parents. When they got married my mom was 21 and my dad was 34.

It was OK at first, but right off the bat the age difference caused some issues that couples around the same age wouldn't have run into. My mom said that she felt rushed into having kids because of my dad's age, so I was born just 18 months after they got married which is way before she was probably ready. She also says that she felt like she had to compromise on way of life much more than she wanted because he was so set in his ways.

Now, after 29 years the age difference is really starting to catch up. At 63 my dad is starting to look forward to retirement. He would much rather relax on the weekends - play golf, watch football, etc. On the other hand, my mom is 50 and still wants to be up and running everywhere. The more my dad slows down the more my mom gets frustrated and I can't see things getting any easier.

My mom will say that even though she loves my dad and she has been extrememly happy with their life together, if she could do it all again she would think twice before making the decision to marry him. I think she missed out on quite a bit, especially at the beginning of their marrage.

I'm not trying to say that what you are doing is a bad idea at all, just think about and discuss every aspect of it before you make up your mind.

 

[redfaerythinker]

I can''t say a whole lot from the dating perspective, but I can offer you this thought. My dad was 38 when I was born, and he died about six months ago. I guess I just wanted to ask you to think hard about the effects that this age difference would have on any possible children you may have. Now not everyone dies at 59 but I''m not sure it''s worth the risk. I know i''m 20 years old and technically an "adult" but to me, that still doesn''t change the fact that I''m lost without my daddy. Sorry if this sounds really negative, i''m just one isolated case, just wanted to throw it out there.

 

[DiamanteBlu]

The ladies have made some excellent points.

When you are younger a difference in age does not seem to be a big deal. In fact, when I was younger I had relationships with a few men 14 years older than me [dunno - seemed to be a sweet spot! LOL!]. It did not seem like a big deal then [I guess I was kinda the "trophy" girl] but now I often think about it and am sooooo glad that I never "commited". I am now 54 [and married to another 54 year old] and the old friends that are left [one, sadly, has died] are now 68. GASP! That is a HUGE difference. I still see them occasionally since we are still friends but they are old men - closer to my parents' age than mine!

All I can say is: Consider your options very carefully.

 

[Haven]

My FI and I are 10 1/2 years apart, I'm 27 and he's 37, he'll be 38 when we marry in July.

I think everyone has brought up good points as far as things that you should think about. Indy's are especially poignant, and I thank everyone else for sharing their experiences, especially you redfaery, I'm sorry to hear about your loss.

I think that the biggest red flag I see for you two is that you asked the question in the first place--since falling in love with my FI I've never even thought of the age difference as a potential "deal breaker" because I love him so damn much that I want to be with him, even if he is an old guy.

Now, I know that 18 years is different than 10, but my question for you is: do you have specific concerns that inspired this question in the first place? If so, then I think you should focus on answering those questions and determining whether he is the right man for you.

As for age differences in general, I think it ultimately depends on the two people in the relationship. FI and I have never had any age-related issues, and the only time that I do think to myself "by jove, I'm marrying an old guy!" is when we socialize with his friends who have multiple children, because none of my friends are in that position.

Can it work out wonderfully? Yes. Are there special concerns you may have? Of course. You have to figure out for yourself whether the "risks" of coupling with an older man are worth it. There's not a doubt in my mind that my FI is the man I want to spend my life with, and that's all I need to know.

I should say that since we've been planning this wedding we have discussed our age a bit more. FI once said something about how he has to take extremely good care of himself so he's around for a long, long time, and we talked about how his age is weighing on his mind a bit, especially about being there for our future children. At this point, we love each other, we are committed to each other, and we're planning on taking advantage of whatever time we have to live our life together, and may it be long, happy, and healthy!

ETA: My grandparents were 7 years apart, and my grandfather died at age 62 in 1977, his children were 20- and 13-years-old. My grandmother is now 85, she still lives on her own, and has been a widow for 30 years. Is this horribly sad? Yes. Does my grandmother regret marrying an older man? I highly doubt it, but I'll ask her next time I speak with her. Funny anecdote--about a year after my grandfather died, my mother once asked my grandmother if she would ever consider remarrying, and my grandmother responded gruffly in her heavy German accent "Oh no. Once was enough!"

 

[Cravin My Emerald cut]

Thanks everyone for your input. To answer a few of the questions posted by all....

How do your parents feel about this?
My mom says as long as I''m happy. My dad hasn''t said much to me directly, but my mom says he''s fine with it since my bf is financially secure.

Children?
We''re undecided on children, but both have definitely considered all the issues brought up.

He he immature? will I outstrip him when he''s in retirement mode?
He''s not immature....just doesn''t have all the "baggage" most men his age do. He''s actually been married once before....for about 3 years, no children. We have discussed the whole "you retire while I''m in my prime" thing and that''s the one of main concerns to me.....that and sex

Kind of like you Haven in that the only time it occurs to me is when one of my friends mentions it. My more established friends have seen us together more and are fine with it, but some of my newer friends (as I recently moved for a new job) bring it up occasionally. On the few occasions I''ve had this conversation with mom, she''s said (about the early retirement) "well Heather that doesn''t sound so bad to me"...lol.

I don''t have any reason to believe he''s only dating me for my age....I don''t think either of us thought about that beforehand....it just kind of happened.

Am I financially independent?
Yes, I have a M.S. in food science and started my first real job 6 months ago....I''m not making quite as much as I''d like to, but it''s sufficient to maintain my lifestyle without the use of credit cards....I try to keep reminding myself that we never make "enough."

I definitely will ponder over all of these things over the next several months (and probably years). As my mom says I''m a chronic worrier and over-analyzer. I can truly see myself being happy for a long time with my bf for many years to come.....as I''ve mentioned he''s my best friend. I was doing a lot of thinking last night and figured this forum would be a good way to get my thoughts out and get some more thoughts to consider.....and it definitely is.

Thanks again to all that have helped me think through this....I''m sure I will continue to overthink this, because that''s what I do, but I figure I can''t overthink my future. (eventhough sometimes people get annoyed at me when I don''t let things go....but hey oh well)

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Well, I'm 25 years younger than my husband, so I probably qualify lol!

Everyone has brought up good valid points that are important to consider, to be sure that you can live with and cope with . Everyone is different. I don't think of myself as being in a marriage with an age gap or whatever, it just isn't in my mind day to day. Does it worry you a lot, or are you just working through it to see if you can live with it?

I've been with my husband for ten years, married for five. We're happy, we have a charmed life together. Somedays I wake up and can't quite believe my luck.

Whatever happens in our futures and whatever we have to deal with, I never saw not being with him as an option. I might have to face up to a lot of years without him, but then again, you just don't know. My best friend lost her husband when they were both 36. You don't get any guarantees.

If you love him, you love him and I wish you every happiness together. Good luck!

Jen

PS I craved an emerald cut too lol!

 

[~*Alexis*~]

OK my turn!!

I am almost 23 and my BF is 34 almost 35. He is divorced, has 2 kids.

Do I regret getting involved with someone who is older than I am? NO!
I found who I want and thats enough to make me happy. Are there challenges?? Absolutely. There will be challenges in every relationship. There are just some things you can live without and if you decide that one person is the one you can live without and he happens to be older than you, so be it. You are in charge of your own destiny and your own life. Only you can decide what makes you truly happy.

When it comes to the age thing, when I think about it, (I do think about all the above mentioned items too) I think about how we will probably never make it to our 50th wedding anniversary. That makes me the saddest the most. Not about being able to go out and do things that he may be to tired to do, (usually thats me) its just knowing that I will be a widow someday. He knows he has to take care of himself more than usual (he has family history of heart attacks).

I guess the only thing you can do is sit down with him and plan it all out. One thing I would suggest that no one has not yet, is to make sure he has all of his ducks in a row. His estate planning and living wills and whatnot. That may not be what you want to hear either, but it is better to be prepared than nothing at all.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Alexis, that''s a really good point about estate planning etc. Not great to think about, but you don''t want to be left with a mess in the future (and I hope long, long term future!). In the same vein, we have arrangements lodged with our solicitor that if either of us ever loses capacity (through illness, injury, infirmity whatever) then the other takes power of attorney. In spite of the age difference, DH actually wanted to do that after I had a bad accident a few years ago. He seems to think I''m more of a risk than he is lol!

As for middle aged men slowing down, btw, I guess they don''t all do that. As I type this, my husband is knocking down a wall in my house, with the intention of remodelling the room ever so slightly.

He knows what he''s doing, I suppose, but I would be really happy if he could just chill out and watch a movie!

I''m reasonably active, but he makes me look like a couch potato.

 

[KimberlyH]

My husband is just about 9 years older than me. We met when I was 26 and he was 35, were married at 29/38. As an adult I dated men who were anywhere from 5-15 years older than me, with one exception. The age difference has never been a concern for me with my husband. We did discuss it and its potential impact on our relationship (retirement, death, etc.) but it has no effect on our day-to-day lives and never has. It was a concern when dating a man who was 14 years older than me, in large part because he was divorced and had a daughter (which is a whole ''nother can of worms, or two).

I have an aunt who married a man 20 years her senior. They were a perfect match and happy until the day he died. He was in his early 60s. It was very difficult for her to become a widow in her 40s but if I asked her today, 11 years after his death, she would say she''d do it all over again because they time they spent together was so amazing. Then again, he was a phenomenal man; when he found out he was sick he made a list of things to do before dying, number one was "Find T a husband" because he didn''t want to leave her alone.

There are exceptions to every rule, and while normally relationships with such huge age gaps aren''t an odds-on favorite to succeed I think it can work if the two people involved are mature, self-aware, and great communicators.

IG has made some great points that you should ponder seriously. If our age difference had an impact on our daily lives (ability to socialize, different wants/needs/desires from a relationship, etc.) I would have been much less likely to have married my husband.

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 1/6/2008 11:18:54 PM
Author: redfaerythinker
I can''t say a whole lot from the dating perspective, but I can offer you this thought. My dad was 38 when I was born, and he died about six months ago.

I''m sorry to hear about your loss. My mom was 16 years younger than my dad and he passed away when I was a kid. He was in his late 40s but had heart problems, so I sympathize.

I''m pretty open-minded when it comes to age differences and other differences. I have friends who are in interracial marriages, gay and lesbian friends who are partnered, a friend who works while her husband stays home with the kids and friends who date or are married to people much older or younger than themselves. A lot of times, the dynamics in people''s relationships make no sense to those looking at them, but if they work, they work. I don''t think about it too much.

My current boyfriend is 6 years older than I am, and that''s not a problem, as we''re technically the same generation and are well-matched in maturity, desires, etc. However, my ex-husband is 12 years older than I am, and there was a definate difference in outlook and a lot of what was posted about above. My ex will be over 60 when our son gets out of high school - he turns 52 next week, and is starting to show a lot of "old man" traits. I have also dated much older men when I was in my 20s and am thankful that I didn''t commit to them - since I would, as someone else pointed out, be in my prime when they were old men.

Here is a flipside to the equation: How about the "Cougars" out there? You''re seeing a lot nowadays about older women going after much-younger men....and I''ve had that in my family for years now. One of my brothers is not quite two years younger than I am, and he''s been married for the last 12 years (dated for about 5) to a woman who is - get this - 22 years OLDER than he is. For those who have read my post on the "engaged without a ring" thread, my brother''s wife is the one who lost her ring cleaning chicken.

They started dating when he was 19, and back then, the age difference was not so obvious. She looked older but not that much so. Now it is. She is almost 60, while he is in his mid-30s. In spite of the age difference, they seem well-matched once you get beyond the visual shock. My mother passed away two years before they got married, and while she was initially angry with the age difference, she accepted it after a while (and especially after my brother told her that he was over 18 and this woman was his choice, like it or not). My brother is quiet and an intellectual - he doesn''t have anything in common with women his own age. And his wife is sedate and the stay-at-home type. She needs someone to take care of her and watch over her, and my brother has an almost "Knight Complex." He never wanted kids (her kids are grown and his age, if you can imagine that!), so the fact that she is done isn''t an issue. From what I understand, his wife was married to an abusive man who beat her and their children, was constantly out of work and always drunk, so she is grateful for someone who is quiet and watches out for her and doesn''t give her any problems. But I have to admit, as content as they seem together, it''s strange talking to my brother and having him tell me about his wife''s menopausal issues and some of her health problems, and I have to stop and remember that this is not a 30-something woman we''re talking about.

The thing that worries me is that my brother will eventually be a widower. He has almost no experience in the dating scene and is probably going to be single again in his late 40s. I worry about him in that regard.

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[Cravin My Emerald cut]

Date: 1/7/2008 8:05:51 AM
Author: Mrs Mitchell
Well, I''m 25 years younger than my husband, so I probably qualify lol!

Everyone has brought up good valid points that are important to consider, to be sure that you can live with and cope with . Everyone is different. I don''t think of myself as being in a marriage with an age gap or whatever, it just isn''t in my mind day to day. Does it worry you a lot, or are you just working through it to see if you can live with it?

I''ve been with my husband for ten years, married for five. We''re happy, we have a charmed life together. Somedays I wake up and can''t quite believe my luck.

Whatever happens in our futures and whatever we have to deal with, I never saw not being with him as an option. I might have to face up to a lot of years without him, but then again, you just don''t know. My best friend lost her husband when they were both 36. You don''t get any guarantees.

If you love him, you love him and I wish you every happiness together. Good luck!

Jen

PS I craved an emerald cut too lol!

They''re beautiful! Is yours posted somewhere on here?

I thought I wanted an asscher, but it seems really hard to find a good one and we dont'' want to go the internet route (not for an e-ring, but perhaps for later gifts . I pondered cushions. But once I saw emeralds in person they were my hands down fav....I like them best in simple settings as either solitaires or 3 stones.

 

[Cravin My Emerald cut]

Date: 1/7/2008 8:29:28 AM
Author: ~*Alexis*~
OK my turn!!

I am almost 23 and my BF is 34 almost 35. He is divorced, has 2 kids.

Do I regret getting involved with someone who is older than I am? NO!
I found who I want and thats enough to make me happy. Are there challenges?? Absolutely. There will be challenges in every relationship. There are just some things you can live without and if you decide that one person is the one you can live without and he happens to be older than you, so be it. You are in charge of your own destiny and your own life. Only you can decide what makes you truly happy.

When it comes to the age thing, when I think about it, (I do think about all the above mentioned items too) I think about how we will probably never make it to our 50th wedding anniversary. That makes me the saddest the most. Not about being able to go out and do things that he may be to tired to do, (usually thats me) its just knowing that I will be a widow someday. He knows he has to take care of himself more than usual (he has family history of heart attacks).

I guess the only thing you can do is sit down with him and plan it all out. One thing I would suggest that no one has not yet, is to make sure he has all of his ducks in a row. His estate planning and living wills and whatnot. That may not be what you want to hear either, but it is better to be prepared than nothing at all.

It''s great to hear from some others who are in similar relationships. I definitely agree with you Alexis.....all relationships have their own challenges. I''d much rather "compromise" on age than on other factors such as common interests, goals, etc.

 

[Independent Gal]

Honey, you're 23! I don't think it's time to 'compromise' on any of those things quite yet!

If you can't live without this man then all the sacrifices and the decades of future loneliness are worth it. If you love him fine, get along with him fine, and want that big EC, then I'd think twice.

I think what I would do would be to seek out women on the other end of a marriage with an 18 year or more gap. There's also quite a difference between a 9 years gap, like Kim and Haven, and 18 + years gap - which is a generation of difference. Talk to women like that and ask them if it was worth it. Probably, some will say yes and some will say no. But the things they bring up will help you consider carefully. Another thing about being 23 is that it's hard to imagine being 53, right?

 

[TravelingGal]

IG, I''m 35, and while it''s easier than it was at 23, it''s still hard to imagine me at 53 (only because I''ll have a legal adult child by then!)

 

[Cravin My Emerald cut]

Date: 1/7/2008 5:55:27 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Honey, you''re 23! I don''t think it''s time to ''compromise'' on any of those things quite yet!

If you can''t live without this man then all the sacrifices and the decades of future loneliness are worth it. If you love him fine, get along with him fine, and want that big EC, then I''d think twice.

I think what I would do would be to seek out women on the other end of a marriage with an 18 year or more gap. There''s also quite a difference between a 9 years gap, like Kim and Haven, and 18 + years gap - which is a generation of difference. Talk to women like that and ask them if it was worth it. Probably, some will say yes and some will say no. But the things they bring up will help you consider carefully. Another thing about being 23 is that it''s hard to imagine being 53, right?

I''m sure many of you will disagree with what I''m about to say, but....everyone compromises something in their relationship. I don''t know anyone that wouldn''t like to change at least one thing (no matter how small) about their partner. This is not me saying I''d like to change his age....I wouldn''t.

My original post wasn''t sparked by my own concerns, so much as a co-worker mentioning "have you thought about having kids with him, because that would be weird....he''d be like 65 when they graduated high school" which then made me go "hmmm....i have thought about having kids with him, and that thought occured to me; however, it didn''t bother me" It did however make me momentarily self-concious of what others thought and made we wonder if I was being "blinded by love so to speak." I know I need to become comfortable with people not understanding the age difference as it will continue to occur.

Your comments are appreciated though. You actually remind me of an older friend of mine who at first hated the idea of our relationship as she was once in a similar one.....once she met him and learned that he wasn''t an immature loser....and that we''re happy...she changed her tune.

I''m not sure what you mean by "imaging being 53"......it''s not something I frequently ponder, but I do think about what I''d like to do and where I''d like to live at different stages of my life. I can just as easily imagine being 53 as I can imagine being 28.

Thanks to all for your posts....you''ve given me good things to ponder, but mostly have made me realize my silliness for letting some dumb girl make me question my relationship, when she doesn''t even know me.

Heather

PS. I don''t want an emerald that large

 

[Independent Gal]

Being a widow for half your adult life is not a 'small' thing to compromise on.

But if you've thought all these things through, and you feel confident that it's worth it, then don't let ANYONE question you. My friend I referred to above, the 32 year old with the 60 year old partner and the baby, loves him so much, and has loved him steadily for 13 years, that she doesn't really care that she'll lose him in 10 or 15 years, or that we all think he's mentally in his early 20's or that her mother was heartbroken at her choice. She can't live without him, so she lives with him while she still can.

If you've found THAT kind of love, the kind that's worth compromising on big things, then you are a lucky, lucky woman and you should hold on to the very special thing that you've got. My SIL gave up on having children, because she would rather give that up than give my brother up. That's how much she loves him. So, lucky her! And lucky you if that's what you've got. All I've been saying is be aware that 18 years is not a small compromise.

ETA: I have no interest in judging your relationship at all. You asked for experiences and advice, I gave you some things to think about. That's all. The only two people who really know what's what inside a relationship is those two people.

 

[FrekeChild]

I really think that if you''re planning on having children with this man that you need to consider your future children''s stake in all of this. I am almost two generations younger than my father, he''ll be 71 this year and I''ll be 26. I have brothers who are 46 and 44. All of my cousins are in their forties-fifties, their children are 15 to unborn. I''ve always been alone in my family. And it sucks. I''ve had to face the reality that my father will die of old age before any of my peer''s parents even have to think about it. I can''t tell you how many times I''ve been asked if my father was my grandfather. And that hurts.

So please think about their lives. Everything else that everyone else has mentioned is also something you should consider for your future children.

And I hate to say this because I don''t think it''s the case in your situation, but there are people who will look at you together and think that you''re a golddigger (even if he''s not well off) and less so, but still a possibility that he''s a cradle robber. That really really sucks for you guys, because you''re probably going to have to deal with it for the rest of your lives.

I wish you the best of luck in your future.

 

[glitterbug]

I hate to be so vague, but it really just depends. A lot of valid points have been made, and while I agree with some (DEFINITELY not all), I have to say that every relationship has its own quirks and issues, and age may or may not be a factor. You *have* to look at the relationship as a whole!

My boyfriend and I have also been together for 3 years, I am 28 and he is 40. We have the most amazing relationship and I wouldn''t trade our connection for anything. Do I worry about him being in his early 40s when we have kids? No, not really... plenty of people have their first children at that age (plenty of women, too!), and my parents are 11 years apart as well. My dad was in his 40s when I was born. It has never been an issue with my parents, and I know it won''t be an issue with us. Yes, ultimately his age will be a factor in the timing of us having kids, but that doesn''t bother me at all.

My close friend''s fiance is 9 years older than she is. Another friend is married to a guy a decade her senior. Would you ever know it if you looked at any of them, or at me and my man? Nope. Everyone is truly happy, and that''s what matters. A 10 year age gap is really not as much of a taboo as some might think.

Btw, there are absolutely no guarantees in life... many people have been commenting about the possibility of becoming an early widower but let me tell you something, life throws plenty of curve balls, and that kind of thinking is incredibly naive! My best friend''s parents had 17 years between them, and her MOM was the older one... and guess what, her dad passed away years ago. My uncle was a widow in his mid 40s. You just don''t know what will happen. You only get one chance at life, and my heartfelt opinion is that if you find that perfect person for YOU, the one who''s your best friend, who makes your heart sing, and who GETS you, don''t let it go! Not to be cliche, but love like that is not exactly easy to find. I don''t know enough about your relationship to comment more, and I don''t know what an 18 year age gap feels like, but honestly, if it doesn''t bother you, and you''re in a loving, happy relationship, who is anyone to judge?

 

[glitterbug]

P.S. You really do seem more mature than most 23 year olds I know!

 

[Haven]

glitterbug--I agree with your post. All of the warnings of being an early widow, while logical in one sense, definitely seem a bit naive. My father''s best friend, who was like a second father to me died in June at age 54. He was diagnosed with cancer three years earlier at age 51, so now my "second mom" is a widow at just 52. My uncle died at age 42 of a brain tumor--he married a woman eight years his senior just four years before he died, and then SHE became the widow at age 50. (He was diagonsed two years after they were married and she stayed with him throughout the entire illness.) These are horrible situations, and thank goodness these things don''t happen to everyone, but they do happen. Marrying a man your age is no guarantee that you will both leave this world at the same time.

(And just a strange sidenote--glitterbug, when I read that you''re 28 and your FI is 40 I thought "wow, now that''s quite an age difference." Then I realized that I''ll be 29 when my FI turns 40. It''s really interesting how numbers make that difference seem much larger than it truly seems in real life. It was just an odd experience that made me laugh.)

 

[rubybeth]

I think as long as you''ve really thought it out and are okay with it, you''ll be happy with your decision to marry him. However, if there''s even one little niggling worry that it''s not the right thing, step back. I''m actually afraid of my BF dying, because his family has some bad medical history, and he''s a year younger than I am. I think, subconsciously, I have always seen slightly younger men as more attractive, because they would (theoretically) be around longer. Lots of widows in church pews on Sundays, far fewer widowers.

 

[Delster]

There is a twelve year age gap between my parents, and my Dad was 39 when I was born, he''s almost 68 now. I worry A LOT about losing him, especially as he had cancer last year. That said, I honestly never considered his age until last year when he was ill. He''s strong as an ox! In reality it''s probably my Mum, who''s frail and has never had good health, and has a family history of heart trouble, that I should worry more about. Dad will, I''m sure, end up like his own father, who died in his 80s still with a full head of hair!

You know life is not predictable and there are no guarantees. You can''t say for certain you will be widowed young, but then neither can any young parent can be 100% sure they will see their children graduate. You sound like a thoughtful and sensible person. I would weigh up all the scenarios (I think Indy''s questions are excellent) and then make the best decision for YOU based on what you can cope with and what will make you happy.

 

[phoenixgirl]

I have a friend in her early 60''s, widowed 10 years ago. I''m not sure the exact age difference between her and husband, but I think it was about 20 years. She didn''t work during her marriage and lived in swanky places, including the nicest neighborhood in town. I''m not sure what happened with their finances, but after he died she had to move to a small condo and work full time to support herself. One night at a party she wore her engagement ring (WOW!), and being a diamond lover I noticed it and complimented it. She said sort of wistfully that she doesn''t usually wear it because it''s from another life.

She has a quasi boyfriend from out of town who has asked her to marry him, but her 30+ children who don''t even live nearby didn''t like him or maybe just the idea of their mother remarrying, so she said no. She seems to have problems with substance abuse, I think mainly because she is stressed out by working full time and not having close connections any more. I try to imagine what she must have been like when her husband was alive, and it just seems like night and day from her life now. Not that we can predict what will happen, but as somebody else pointed out, it can be tough as an older divorced or widowed woman to find a man who isn''t dead, infirm, or looking for someone 18 years younger than he is (so you''re 60 but all the eligible guys want 40 year olds).

I have another friend who divorced his wife 20 years ago around age 40 to be with his girlfriend. He girlfriend is 18 years his senior and was also married, in her case to an older man who was suffering from complete dementia. Her husband died and she moved in with my friend. Her children cut off contact with her over it. Then she got dementia. My friend just retired and moved with her to a retirement community (what they always dreamed), only to find her mind was completely gone. To make it even worse, she had a stroke, is now confined to a wheelchair, and can''t bathe herself, use the bathroom, etc. Even when she was able, people constantly mistook her for his mother. "Oh yeah, I know that guy, the one who would always bring his mother in here." So now he''s taking care of someone who is mentally absent and physically incapable, and he''s not even married to her.

Any young healthy person can be in an accident or get a disease, but I guess you are entering a life not of "might happens" but "likely will happens." If you marry your boyfriend, then likely he will precede you in death. Likely you will still be active. Likely he will not be on the same page as you sexually at the end of your time together. Possibly he will require nursing, again when you are still active.

So just be smart. You are 23, but you are making a decision that will affect you when you are 33, 43, 53, 63, etc. You can marry a guy your age only to have him die or to get divorced, so being alone later in life might happen anyway. And from what I''ve sadly seen, being on poor terms with your children/parents seems to happen a lot more than it should. But it seems to be a pretty common story that your children will just want you to be like Queen Victoria and sit around in mourning after their dad is gone. Are you going to fight that battle?

OK, all that aside . . .

I too am a highly analytical person, but in my personal experience, overanalyzing things and making lists of pros and cons just gets in the way of your instinct. I am extremely risk averse and always try to anticipate all possible outcomes, but that shouldn''t mean you turn your life into a scientific proof. When I was taking my first job, I did everything right . . . made a list of pros and cons, sought the advice of experts in the field and my parents and friends, etc. I convinced myself to take a job even though it wasn''t right for me because it made sense on paper. Well, I was miserable and then I had to expend a whole lot of time and energy getting a technically not allowed transfer. Same thing with choosing my first apartment -- I made charts of location and amenities and square footage, and my sister-in-law told me to just go visit a few, and I would definitely know which one was the right one. And she was right . . . it wasn''t something I couldn''t work out on paper.

The same thing with getting married. I had no qualms or fears. I really don''t think I questioned getting married once. I was just ready to do it. And the same thing with buying a house. One day I woke up and just knew we had to buy a house . . . no planning, no lists, nothing. And then three days later we saw the perfect house. My dad made me make a list of pros and cons and asked me devil''s advocate type questions, but the truth was that I was panicked at the thought that the house would be snatched up before I could get it. No list could tell me that.

So trust yourself . . . no, you may not celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary (and if you do, your husband will be very lucky to have full control of both his mind and body at that point) . . . but life isn''t a list of pros and cons. If you can imagine breaking up with your boyfriend and living without him, then maybe you aren''t ready for marriage or maybe he isn''t right for you. But if the thought is incomprehensible--if your gut says you must spend your life with him--then best wishes!

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Sorry, I missed your question - here''s a pic of my ring with my new studs! I do love an emerald cut!

Oh, and meant to say that there''s 21 years between my parents (my father is older) but I can''t say I really noticed when I was growing up. Of course, it helps that he comes from generations of people who live into their 90s and stay healthy! He''s still around, and I know that makes me very lucky, when some people are talking about losing husbands / fathers at much earlier ages. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck! Hope you''ll be happy.

Jen

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 1/9/2008 4:20:21 PM
Author: SanDiegoLady
You are nearly my daughter's age (she'll be 23 in a few months).. and.. your boyfriend is my age.. while I don't know either of you, yes, I have a problem with it. I lived through the 'age issue' and its not always easy. My ex husband is 13 years older than I am. While there are MANY marriages that do in fact succeed regardless of the age, I found there were problems on lots of levels. Control being the first.

I was lucky enough to have found my now husband who is the same age as I.. I think that the reality is that I was supposed to be with my 'now' husband all along with as often and as closely as our paths crossed over the years, its just weird.

This is similar to my past and present situations. My ex is 10+ years older than I am and he attempted to control me constantly (with help from his equally controlling family - my marriage was HELL). Fortunately, I had an education and a good job prior to meeting him and got out of that marriage after 4 years, so once I was divorced, I got back on my feet fairly easily. And like you, I don't have total regret...I did get an amazing son out of that relationship.

And, the same situation with my present boyfriend of 2 years. We know many of the same people and our paths crossed constantly without our ever meeting prior. He was married for almost 20 years (he married very young). He is only 6 years older than I am, which, when you are 39 and 45, is inconsequential. It's not weird at all.....I think the Universe waits until you are ready for something before it hands it to you, and sometimes, you have to work for that prize.

Here is a funny twist to this thread: What do you do when your boyfriend/husband LOOKS much older than you do? As you can see in the pic below, my boyfriend has salt and pepper hair. He went prematurely gray and has been like this as far as back into his 20s. I think it looks sexy as hell on him, so it's never bothered me (and -- that picture was taken between sets at one of his band's shows...it looks doubly hot when it's freshly washed and curly!). If you look at his face as opposed to just noting his hair color, you can tell that he's not "an old dude." But lots of people don't look closely. And I'm 39 and look much younger. I still get carded constantly. And to top it off, his 12 yo daughter physically resembles me (which, I have no clue how that happened - he had dark hair as a younger guy and his ex-wife is a Nordic-looking pale blond). So he gets asked all the time when we are out, "Oh, are these your daughters?" It doesn't bother me but it ticks him off! Anyone else in that boat?

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[nebe]

My beau and I are 9.5 years apart. It''s never really been a major issue, people can rarely even tell the age gap because he looks so young anyway!

 

[Haven]

I was going to say that my FI looks about the same age as me, too, even though we''re over ten years apart. (Doesn''t say much for me, does it?) I don''t have any pictures of the two of us on this computer, and I can''t figure out how to repost the picture of us from my engagement thread. But I do have one of my FI and my little sister''s BF.

I always say it''s a good thing I''m so much younger than him, as I''m guessing I''m going to look much older at 37 than he does!


My FI is the one on the left, he''s 37.