losing it
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by madelise » April 22nd, 2012, 2:23 pm
Breathe.
You're having a tough time. You're not alone. A lot of grads aren't finding jobs. It's a bad market. Uncertainty sucks. I'm a planner, and I hate uncertainty. So I can only imagine what you're going through. I'm glad you understand that what you're feeling towards your SO is just some sort of irrational, tough time- dealing mechanism, and not reality. Kudos to that-- you're a lot stronger than most. But communicate with him. If you need him to be extra sensitive to you, you need to communicate it. Also, therapy has helped me sort through my own brain in a more effective manner. If therapy is an option for you, I suggest it. Under stress, your mind can become your own worst enemy. If you can only read yourself more effectively, you can be in control. Talk to him. Talk to someone. And most importantly, breathe. Have you tried yoga? Or even do some breathing exercises. Clear your mind for a bit. Stop thinking. Just be. |
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"today is worth two tomorrows" - Benjamin Franklin
As hard as it seems, try not to get so worried about the future that you can't relax and enjoy today. Try to find one small little thing each day that makes you appreciate the day and yourself. It sounds corny, but you have to be your own best friend to some extent. By that, I mean, you don't want to be alone, you are not alone but you are ok, just YOU. Find ways to revel in just being you. If you like reading, treat yourself to a book. Or a pedicure or massage. Sleep in 30 extra minutes or don't answer the phone if you don't want to. Have a great dessert or go for a run. Just find little bits of life JUST FOR YOU! Open communication with your SO is great. But try to let him enjoy the anticipation of asking. It could be he is working on something that is going to require a little more time, money, details to put together. If you rush him, he might not get to do this amazing proposal! Channel the negative energy and make a list of other things you want to accomplish BEFORE he asks. Now see how many you can do before he does. And let us know what is on the list...we'll keep you accountable!  
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Aww, sweetie, I'm sorry. I don't really know what to say. I am also a planner and hate uncertainty. I've been stressing about it a lot myself lately. I even had my first bought of really LIWitis feelings when a girl several years younger than me got engaged this week to someone she's been dating even less than Andrew and I. I'm so happy for them to have found each other, but the waiting is definitely tougher than it seems.
I agree with madelise, you have to breathe first and foremost. And then talk to someone. If you don't think that is your SO, a sister or a friend? Or us if that's what you need? Don't keep it all inside, it won't feel any better. |
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Thank you so much for your kind responses - it really helped to get it all down on "paper" here. Reading back, a lot of that rant could've been posted on JobSeekers-in-Waiting, or Apartment Hunters Anon
 I think I'm just feeling perfect storm of life changes.And what's wonderful is that getting a FI, a job, and a new place to live are generally awesome things. I know I have to be patient, but that's never been a virtue of mine  I know I have to have faith in him, myself, & the economy.Phdecorate - you know, I really should focus on what I need to get done - because there is quite a lot! I think I will work on a list and get back to you ladies on that. What are you all doing to keep the crazies away? SS |
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Just wanted to post and offer some support....
I think by virtue of being on PS as LIWs we are "planners" which really makes it hard when things are out of our control.... I had a mini-breakdown a couple weeks ago for the same reasons - I am moving to a new city (just for the summer for now but basically putting all my eggs in that basket) without a ring and with a so-so summer job that wont amount to much in the long run. The issue for us in discussing this issue is: how do you convey your feelings without making him feel like you dont think the relationship is weak - meaning, it will seem like you think that a ring is all that would keep you together and that you dont think the relationship is strong enough for you to feel confident in it without a ring (which at this stage, time and maybe money are all thats in the way of that in his mind, not love or commitment). I would say to take some of the other ladies' recommendations - try yoga (or spin class which gets my mind off of it and gives me something to work toward), talk to a friend if you can, or just come on here and vent! Its super hard to have this irrational womanly convo with your SO because they dont get these frantic moments of insane emotions.... I hope that it gets better- and I bet it will. When you get engaged, you will have a big thing on "lockdown" so to speak and the rest will get better over time. |
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Yes! The appalling thing is that we really have a fantastically strong relationship. And I don't really think getting engaged will change that much about us - I want terribly to be married to him simply because I've never loved anyone so much in my life. And he feels the same. I don't even think he's waiting, so to speak - I actually think he's in the process of buying the ring. That said, how could I ever try to explain that (past baggage) + (life uncertainty) = current insecurity. It is irrational.  SS |
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Something I've noticed again and again on these boards is that it's very common for many women to want to lock down/step up their relationship when they're in times of flux or uncertainty about school or work, and men seem to want to do that when everything feels super settled (so pretty much exactly the opposite). I totally understand both positions, but it inevitably leads to conflict for some couples during times of big changes (and graduation seems like one of the prime suspects). So I guess the point is... we're all here for you, and lots of us have been through exactly what you're going through.
And of course, don't get discouraged about the job hunt! It may take longer than it would have in a better economy, but you'll find something
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Don't try to explain it to him. Miss Stepcut is right, men are different. When I get worked up over something, or go crazy researching,my SO retreats in the opposite direction. I KNOW he will do this, yet I keep trying to get him more involved and share my excitement and or my worries/concerns/options every step of the way. The thing is, that does not work! I know it, I try to avoid it, but sometimes I can't help myself. We bought a large house, started over with all new furniture together. Well, I love decorating. He doesn't. I could analyze fabric until you were blue in the face. I just love it. That whole process helped me learn with SO....do my Internet research, debating over minute details, etc before I discuss it with him. Then have short, to the point discussion with minimal flowery details. How does that translate for your situation? It is great to be able to share with him. But keep working on other outlets or others (even us) to bounce your worries off of. And realize you are normal!! Oh and you asked earlier,what are others doing to change focus? Well, I WANT to get engaged and get married, and I know it is probably all going to happen before Christmas. I am settled in my job and my house, so I don't have as much uncertainty. But a few years back I did...divorce, dividing stuff, moving (SO and I moved 6 times in 2 years!!! We kept flipping beach rentals!), etc. Well, my current goals are to lose about 8 lbs., save xxxx amount of $$ and get home from work earlier every day since the summer is coming. Just break down a few small things and you will have something to focus on that is positive. It could be to do some volunteering in your field, you might get some extra contacts for a job prospect....exercise.....be more organized? I have no idea what you need to get done But you do!
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Aww, as others have said, you're definitely NOT alone in this, but I am sorry that you're having such a tough time! It's completely normal to feel insecure, and to transfer our past experiences onto our current situation. But I think you need to look at what you have with your current SO. He's loving, supportive, and you both have a timeline for when to move your relationship forward into marriage-land.
It's NOT irrational that past baggage + life uncertainty = current uncertainty. Communication, as everyone has said, is KEY in a relationship, and if your SO loves you, he will listen with an open heart, and will not lose sight of the fact that you've had a rocky past, and you're learning to cope with it. I personally think that if your current situation is having an emotional toll on you that is affecting your relationship, then it might be worth talking to your SO about. It doesn't have to be super emotional, but just letting your SO know what's been on your mind, what's been stressing you out, and what your uncertainties are might help him understand where you're coming from. I don't think it'll change his mind about marrying you, or how he feels about you, especially if he can already sense it. What you're feeling is again in no way irrational, but part of you has to learn to trust your SO. Getting engaged and married is a wonderful life experience, but it can only be that if you can trust in the person you are marrying and trust yourself to love and be loved. In the early stages of my relationship with my current bf, my ex-fiance was still recovering from our split. We were still talking, and he was giving me an extremely hard time about being in a new relationship. It was taking a huge toll on me emotionally and physically as well. I was deathly afraid of talking about it to my bf because we were still just getting to know each other, having a good time with each other, in the "honeymoon" phase. The last thing i wanted to do was ruin something that was going in all the right directions and scare him off with my baggage. But my bf could sense it, and he wanted me to talk about it because it was obviously on my mind and having a negative affect on me. So I did, and it was the best thing that happened for us. He was really supportive and gave me the time and space I needed. You are going through a very tough time, but you will get through it! You have a lot of support here. |
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MSC made some good points. Try and feel settled even if you're not. Get into a groove and try not to feel too anxious. Guys do tend to be polar opposites on this front and if you're feeling unstable, you're probably showing that emotion which could have him pushing off the one thing that will make you feel better!
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I agree with the above. I went through something very similar when I was about to graduate. I wanted to move out but couldn't afford it, had a hard time finding as job as I graduated a year after the GFC hit. With so much uncertainty all I wanted was to have something certain/ secure in my life which lead to me putting unnecessary pressure on my relationship. It took me some time to realise the real reason for the pressure I was putting on my BF to move forward in our relationship and to see that we were in no way ready to make some of those big steps at the time. Communication is key- BF and I had many intense conversations during that period and whilst it hurt at the time, I am very grateful that he held his ground and we waited until we were both really ready to move forward. Marriage/ a Relationship is a partnership you need to be able to communicate and lean on each other through the bad/stressful times as well as enjoy the good times. Good luck with the job hunt. |
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Thanks, ladies, for all the wonderful support - and thanks for checking back in, audball.
Well, good news/bad news Good news - I've been distracted, that's for sure. Bad news - I've been distracted by the fact that I'm fairly sure I pure BOMBED one of my finals. If I failed then I don't graduate. The thing with law school, is that absolutely everything is graded on a curve - so really, my grade depends on how good/bad everyone else did. In other words, I know I did TERRIBLY, but whether or not I failed depends on how everyone else did. Honestly, I've been racked with anxiety about the whole thing. I mean, I have people coming from out of state to see me graduate on the 11th - and it could be as late as the 8th that I find out...ugh, I don't even want to think about it! If anyone has any *grade dust* out there, I sure could use it! SS |
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omg...I know how you feel. grades on a curve are so stressful. I'm confident you did well, even if you were so distracted. LOTS of ***dust*** to you that you will graduate!!!!! hang in there, and think positive thoughts!!
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oh no - DUST!!!!
A lot of us are law school peeps- I am, I know MSC is and I think a couple others so we understand that damn curve. What I hate the most is when you think you did AWESOME but so did everyone else... Good luck to you!! |
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Ugh - yes, ya'll understand.
I'm DYING. I don't even care if I do well. I just need to pass. NEEEEEED to pass. Thank you for your dust/thoughts/prayers/positive thinking/law of attracting me a passing score! |
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Sending you straight A's, wrapped in dust!!! Best of luck somedaysunday! I hope you get the great marks you deserve and your family will be proud as anything, watching you graduate!!!
dust...hugs....dust... hugs... 
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No news today, girls.
May your lovely dust fall upon the cold, hardened heart of my Art. 9 professor.......
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 Well, lets hope it falls all around him - in his eyes, on his hands, on his clothes... and mainly in his marking book! |
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I'm taking Sec Trannies on Friday I hope we both do better than expected.
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Me too, girl, me too. Good luck to you - here's hoping your prof is less of a monster than mine. EDIT: took out a comment to a ch 9 section that i wish i'd remembered. (sorry) In case you go to my school. And in case Honor Court/State Bar/God is watching
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Haha SS...someone must have been reading above the law today... |
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I didn't until now! Yiiiiikes. We have a don't talk about your exams after you take them rule. I'm going to go ahead and assume that means to anyone, anywhere, for all of time, even in general terms, even if no one knows where you go, etc. |
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Aww, good luck to ALL of you taking exams
I hope it goes more smoothly than you think!
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UPDATE:
I PASSED Secured Transactions!! Graduation, here I come!!! brb, running around my apartment in circles. |
