Is it all about timing?

[JenStone]

I once read in an article that the majority of men do not believe in true love aka THE love of their lives. Thus, for them, it is not a matter of finding THE ONE and then proposing. It''s a matter of being with someone when they''re ready to commit and propose. To put it bluntly, the article basically said that when it comes to meeting your potential husband, it''s all about timing.

For example, a couple may start dating in college. They love each other and they enjoy each others'' company. They see each other as potential life partners. They have been dating for years but the guy has not proposed yet because they''re too young.

Take another couple who meet each other in their late thirties. They too, love each other and they enjoy each others'' company. Neither of them have been married before. The guy proposes after just 6 months because both of them are ready to settle down.

Shortly after reading this, I brought up the topic to my boyfriend. He admitted that if we were both just a few years older (I''m 26, he''s 2, he would definitely have proposed by now.

A friend of mine has recently proposed to his girlfriend but they will not be getting married for another 3 years. When I asked him, "Why such the long engagement?" he replied,

"I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I know we''re both not ready to get married now, but I hope that we will be in 3 years time. I just wanted to make certain that she and the rest of the world knew that I want to marry her. And I couldn''t wait to call her my fiance! Now I can, and now I can''t wait to call her my wife!"

Being a romantic at heart, I always believed that when you meet THE ONE, you would want to spend the rest of your life with him/her. You would want to shout it from rooftops. And this is what my friend had done.

So what do you think? Is it all about timing?

 

[valeria101]

Date: 3/16/2006 12:55:22 PM
Author:JenStone


So what do you think? Is it all about timing?

Yes... for me at least.

 

[caligal]

Jenstone-

Your article/thoughts reminded me of a Sex and the City episode (did you watch S&TC?) when Miranda remarked it was all about timing and referenced it to men driving cabs and when they were ready they put their light on... next girl to get in was the one. I think it is a bit of both... timing is really essential- but it is obviously about the person you meet! I think for men it is more about personal timing for them with a number of factors: age, have they finished all their schooling, are they in a job that is stable or are they still trying to climb the ladder, are they making enough money... all things men feel they need to establish before engagement. At least, this is what mine is going through! And we''ve had 3 friends all get engaged who are younger than us, BUT all three guys are finished with their Masters and making more money. Hey- on another note- did you look at the different rings on PS for ideas yet?

 

[Evie75]

Dont forget that men too have to get all the "playing and partying" out of their systems first before they settle down...hence the timing(im sure women do to) so i guess they figure by 25 and + they should be done, I think men need that a lot more than woman do.

 

[allycat0303]

I`ve met both types of men. I don`t think that there`s anything wrong with either view. I`ve also met both type of girls. I think that there are several people on this earth that can make me very happy, and I don`t believe in a soulmate. I just think it`s a matter of being in the right place at the right time to meet the person, and of course being in the right time frame to appreciate the relationship. I think I have a more pragmatic view of marriage. My boyfriend has a more romantic view, and he believes very much on "the one" of course, part of me being "the one" factored into his growing up and being more mature...because I don`t think he thought I was "the one" for the first 4 years of our relationship. Of course we met when we started dating when I was 15, and him 17, so I think it`s hard to know much at that age.

`So I would say it can also be a combination of both timing and "the one"

 

[sumbride]

It''s definitely a combination of factors. My BF turned 30 last fall and I think that was a major step in him being "closer to ready". He told me a couple of years ago that he wanted to own a house first. Well, he bought that. And then we had to live together a year. It''s been 7 months. I''m getting anxious! His friends, however, married about 2 years out of college... to the women they dated in college. He says that he must have been waiting for me... nobody else has ever clicked for him like I did. I love hearing that, of course, but timing was a factor for me too... I had to grow up myself. Plus when I met him it was just about 2 months after he''d moved into his own place. For me, a guy having his own place was CRUCIAL. That may be shallow, but my previous boyfriend had lived at home and THAT was awful... so I skipped right past "roommates ok" and went for "needs own place" in my mental list. Lucky me that I met him when I did and not 6 months earlier!

As for timing on this whole engagement process... I think he had to get to the right place in his life, and I had to meet the right person. That''s not to say I''m not the right person for him, but maybe if he''d been with someone else, he wouldn''t have been able to accomplish his list as fast as he did. All the way thru the house buying process he said he wouldn''t have been able to do it without me! (and not because of my rent!)

 

[JenStone]

caligal - I''ve been looking through the Eye Candy thread and there are just so many! It''s so hard to narrow it down to just one...

Reading all your opinions on my question, another question popped into my head: would you rather get engaged now and have a long engagement, or would you wait until later to get engaged and get married sooner?

 

[Mara]

I actually agree hugely that it''s mostly about timing for most men. I remember that episode about men putting their ready light on...I think that there are guys I have dated where they could have been the one for me if it was a different time in my life...you end up at various points in your life with various people and then sometimes it just clicks and it seems right for both of you at the right time.

I know that alot of people believe in that soulmate or THE ONE (thre was a discussion about this on here recently) but I do think that alot of it has to do with timing and not to sound like I feel like I know it all or anything but now that I am in my 30s I look back and realize I had different views of relationships and the future when I was younger...at some point I maybe thought there was a ''one'' out there for me but as I got older I realized that people keep changing and part of it is like ships passing in the night, meeting each other at various points in their lives and connecting or not.

I also tend to think that many times it''s those who got together in college or HS and do make it work believe more in the soulmate or the ''one'' than those who have been out dating for 10 or 15 years and met so many various people that they realize that one person isn''t necessarily the absolute one. If that makes any rambling sense!!

 

[nytemist]

It''s definately about timing. Men have all these internal goals they NEED to reach before settling down. We reach for our respective goals at the same time. I think it''s mostly due to fact that they don''t multitask well or process many emotions at the same time (this is my old psych class talking). Think about it: a woman can be fighting with her best friend (mad) enjoying a new promotion (thrilled) worried about her pet and still can show love for the man in her life, sometimes all in the same day! I''m not saying that 100% of men and 100% of women are all like this, but more often than not it''s the case.

Even though I wasn''t into Sex and the City, I agree with the taxi reference. It''s like something I read in an advice column when I was considering taking a break from my relationship. The quote was something like a man being a jar with the lid screwed on really tight. Every woman in his life loosens the lid little by little and the woman who gets the lid off is the one that gets into his heart.

 

[E B]

Not to look like a crazy Sex and the City fanatic (even though I am

), but have you seen the episode where the girls are comparing men to cabs? I believe it was Miranda who was saying that men will settle down and get married when their "light goes on"....whichever girl they're with when something clicks (when the light goes on), *boom*, engaged. Married.

I thought it was interesting. I also think many men look at their parents as an example. My fiance's parents were married right out of college and still are. I think my fiance (he's 23, I'm 22) was ready much earlier than many men for that very reason.

ETA: LOL Caligirl! I didn't see your post before I posted. Too many SATC fans here at Pricescope....

 

[Lorelei]

I think timing can be a factor and regarding soul mates, that there are many people in the world that might be a good fit for a life partner. Saying this though, as soon as I first laid eyes on my Hubby, on some level I "recognized " him as the man I would marry and he felt the same way. So I suppose it can be different for everyone, also maybe thinking the person isn''t marriage material initially, then realizing that they are the right person for you, love is a funny old thing!

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 3/16/2006 2:39:14 PM
Author: Mara

I also tend to think that many times it''s those who got together in college or HS and do make it work believe more in the soulmate or the ''one'' than those who have been out dating for 10 or 15 years and met so many various people that they realize that one person isn''t necessarily the absolute one. If that makes any rambling sense!!

Ab-so-f''in-lutely! Well said.

 

[anchor31]

My dear boyfriend says I''m his soulmate, and I tend to believe that no one but the man of my life could have gone through with me what we''ve gone through together in the 3+ years we''ve known each other. He''s helped me and supported me through very important decisions in my life regarding my future and made sure I did what was right for me, not for him. I''ve encouraged him to go back to school so he could get a job he would love when everyone else was saying that he did good money so he didn''t need to go back to school. We''re having a very successful long-distance relationship when everyone around us say those never work. It''s not easy, but we have faith in our relationship. We met in January 2003; I was 17 and he had just turned 21, so we''re now 20 (21 in May) and 24. We will have a long engagement because of my school situation, but I''m hoping not more than three years. Both our parents married in their early 20s, so I guess that influences our way to look at the issue too.

When my boyfriend gets asked why he want to propose 2+ years before we can get married, he answers that he believes it''s important that he commits to me and shows me how much I mean to him at this point in our relationship. He feels that it''s time he proposed. Simple as that. He also privately told me that he''s seen a friend''s sister plan her wedding in 9 months and that they were always running, and he''s a very laid back, "take your time" kind of guy, so there''s no way he wants to rush through the planning. I also plan on being a DIY bride as I love crafts and want to make my veil, flowers, invitations, centerpieces and favours (more if I can!), so I want to be able to take the time to do it all. I''m guessing we''ll set a date about 18 months in advance and start planning then.

So, to answer your question, I suppose with my guy it''s a little of both...

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Yes, it is for me too..

 

[aphisiglovessae]

Date: 3/16/2006 2:45:35 PM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 3/16/2006 2:39:14 PM

Author: Mara



I also tend to think that many times it''s those who got together in college or HS and do make it work believe more in the soulmate or the ''one'' than those who have been out dating for 10 or 15 years and met so many various people that they realize that one person isn''t necessarily the absolute one. If that makes any rambling sense!!

Ab-so-f''in-lutely! Well said.

I''ve been there, and I agree 100%!!

 

[lilmaria]

I think it is a combination of things...time and experience. Some people need to date the wrong one before they find the right one. For instance, a girl (or a guy) can give his/her partner everything they want, but they make it too easy. Therefore the person on the other end isn''t into him/her that much. Then they look for and find the opposite, stronger personality and find that he/she is perfect for them and get engaged right away. At least that''s what I''ve observed from most of the realtionships around me. I wouldn''t appreciate my boyfriend half as much as I do without having experienced my ex. And I know the same is true for him. He had horrible relationships with his ex-wife and ex girlfriends, therefore I was a breath of fresh air and make him happy in a way he''s never been before.

I also think age is a factor, as most have said b/c you gain experience w/age (usually) and you learn who you are and what you want or don''t want. I doubt we''ll ever be able to target one area specifically but I think it works out best when theres little pressure involved in the decision making.

 

[Patchee]

My guy is 36, has everything in the financial end of it all. Timing? I don''t even know what that means now considering his age and the spot we are at and nothing seems to be moving forward but...

I met him years ago, dated briefly then we moved on (careers, being young etc) then some 6 years later we met up on the street and 2+ years later, he we are .. to me that was fate, that was timing.. this time it was right.. back then we were finind our selves.

 

[Caribou]

I think for some it is about timing but not all.

My FI is 26 now but when I started dating him, he was 24...I was 32. At that time I had been through a couple bad relationships with guys that were older than me, one by 4 years, neither of whom were the commit type, at least not with me. So I was concerned that with him being 24, he would not want the same things in life (i.e, marriage and children) as I did. And I being 32 did not have time to play around. He had been in a relationship with a girl his age, he dated her for 6 years and thought he never wanted kids, but he said he realized it was that he didn't want kids with her. I quickly learned that he is very mature for his age (actually at times more than me

....at times what am I talking about,

he's more mature than I am). He grew up in the country and actually told me that if I was from where he was, at my age, (33 going on 34) I would have little hope of marrying because most people he went to school with are already married.

He is more finanically responsible than any of the guys I've dated and some of my older friends. I also learned that he really was ready for the things I wanted.

We started offically dating Jan '05, got engaged Dec '05 (started seriously discussing married about 5 months into the relationship) and are getting married September '06. I still have twinges of worry that he, being 26, might come to me and say something like 'I'm not ready'...but then he usually smashes those concerns when he tells me how he can't wait for us to get married.

So I think for some it's matter of timing and a matter of enviroment and a simple matter of being with the right person.